After another turbulent off-season, the Melbourne Football Club returns in The Season That Could Go Anywhere. Like any good show you don't get the ending in scene one, so viewers remain in the dark about which direction we're headed in. Despite the farcical 2023 Semi Final With Water nature of defeat here, I think we'll be ok. Not clearing my calendar for September yet, but until the inevitable injury plague strikes there was a lot to like here.
Despite suspensions, mysterious late injury withdrawals, and the sort of wild selection gamble usually done by teams in crash rebuild build, we held our own against a top premiership contender and kicked a better score in the wet than most weeks in perfect conditions. Yes, it ended in our shot at a sealer being returned down the other end at warp speed for a backup ruckman who was once banned for smashing non-WADA compliant gear to kick the winning goal, but most of the lead-in was a step up from the dross seen at the end of last year.
The worst thing about this result is that you can't properly judge it until you see what happens next. If our performance against a good team in the rain translates to a not-as-good team under a roof next week then you'll take it as a learning experience and consider the season started at 1-1. If not many will switch the time-honoured coping strategy of trying to sack somebody.
I've had a few pointless emotional reactions to selection over the years, but have never been more confused about how to feel when it was revealed that we'd be playing five first gamers. I wasn't for or against the idea, but my rapidly crumbling brain was unable to compute this unusual scenario. It didn't feel like the thing a team would do if they were still clinging to contention and trying to convince various star players not to leg it at the end of the year, but when you really think about it how many of the unselected were you really fanging to see playing? May as well test our depth right at the start and hope for the best.
Obviously the first thing I did was scramble for the record books to work out if this had ever happened in my supporting lifetime. We've had more first game for the club players in recent times, but those numbers were boosted by bulk imports from other clubs. This time it was lightly played ex-Brisbane/Duran Duran man Harry Sharp + five players with zero combined AFL games. Turns out the last time we did something this drastic was Round 1, 1966, when seven newbies ventured to Moorabbin, and simultaneously helped kick off their premiership season and our 20+ year rebuild with a 76 point loss.
This worked a lot better, and 5/23 players is a much less drastic ratio than 7/19, but I went in poised with topical varieties of the Peep Show "Four naan Jeremy, that's insane" to cover it either being a smashing success or an all-time memorable disaster. It didn't qualify for either, but worked well enough in difficult circumstances. Who knows where they'll all be by the end of the year, it's impossible to judge them as a group when you've got two high draft picks who'll get every opportunity, two mature-age recruits who'll probably be the first dropped if things turn sour, and a third year key forward who probably won't learn much more by playing Reserves. Various comments on the (relatively) fantastic five to follow.
Just when you thought it was safe to concentrate on the 2025 home and away season, there was one final boot to the unmentionables from an off-season with more stitch-ups than the Pfaff factory. Out went Steven May an hour before the game with a fractured larynx apparently suffered at the last training session before the real stuff began. Surely no team has ever had two players with this rare and very specific injury in the same summer. I'm all for the nostalgia of bringing back Nathan Jones and Mark Jamar but did we employ Gareth John (yes, him again) as a consultant? It's reportedly not as bad as Gawn's was, and he seemed to have well and truly gotten over it by now so fingers crossed there's no long-term effect. It will be impressive if he's pictured necking beers while out injured this time.
Speaking of dated classics, what was with the putrid modern song they played before players ran through the banner? I was willing to go with Enter Sandman and Hells Bells because they set an appropriately ominous tone, this was footy's worst musical moment since Collingwood tried to jump on the Port Adelaide community singing bandwagon. Any chance of just playing the Grand Old kenting Flag when players enter the arena and run through the banner?
The good news for the club is that barely anybody heard it echoing around a stadium at least 75% empty (and I'm not convinced the official crowd figure was entirely rort-free), as any combination you like of the weather, the Grand Prix, and lack opposition supporters, contributed to just 23,000 turning up. Not ideal, but in the end who gives a rats? Various neutrals had fake emotional breakdowns over the vision of empty stands, pretending that it was an affront to the dignity of the game when they were really just using it as a cheap excuse to pot opposition fans. Would another 10,000 people be the difference between us finishing the season and folding? We're playing in a competition with billions of dollars of non-gate money revenue, not putting on a Broadway show.
Obviously, a lot of people on the ground floor were undercover due to the likelihood of being battered with rain, but the MCG did their bit to publicly throw us under the bus again by closing level four of both the Ponsford and Southern stands. I'll reluctantly accept that one of them wasn't necessary, but having people dotted around either would have made the crowd seem a bit less shit. It's their ground so they can do whatever they want, but Brad Green should have been on the phone to the MCC boss at quarter time saying "thanks for nothing numnuts". I'd feel better if they explained that the club somehow saves money from this arrangement, but until then reserve the right to feel upset on behalf of other people who don't like being around people.
Maybe the ex-People's Ground could drop some money into their timing system, which fritzed out in the first quarter and left one clock showing 87:33 and the other 00:00. This is the third game in a row where something weird has happened to the scoreboards either at the ground or on TV, and we haven't even got to play in a game with those bullshit new Fox Sports graphics.
I went into this game with absolutely no expectation, but was willing to entertain the prospect of an uplifting victory. That didn't quite happen, but there was still a lot to like. For example, the starting centre bounce reunion of Gawn, Oliver, Petracca and Viney. I was just happy that they still exist as a group, but Petracca pelting straight out of the middle Perth '21 style was fantastic. Maybe he was channelling anger that no bastard was there when he could be playing in [insert marquee fixture] and could easily be found trying to escape at the end of the year, but it is offically confirmed now that there are no remaining physical effects from last year's injury disaster. The Freo practice match was one thing, but the big test was returning to the scene of the incident in a fully-fledged game, and he came through with flying colours. I'll wait 50% of the season before worrying what's going to happen at the end of it but reserve the right to jump at shadows based on unsourced media reports about his future.
The express exit from the centre that left GWS midfielders spinning around on the spot like Wile E. Coyote led to a situation unprecedented in modern times, when Matthew Jefferson crumbed a contest and goalled with his first kick after just 16 seconds. Goal time records only go back to 2001, so it's a stretch to claim it was the fastest debut goal of 'ever' but it sure demolished the known competition.
Players kicking a goal in the opening minute of their debut @AFL game (where records known)
— Swamp (@sirswampthing) March 16, 2025
16 secs - MATTHEW JEFFERSON
36 secs - Mitch Brown
46 secs - Stephen Hill
51 secs - Scott Lycett
52 secs - Matthew Pavlich
59 secs - Chris Dawes
@melbournefc #AFLDeesGiants
We went on to recruit two of the players on this list, and (according to him anyway) nearly signed Scott Lycett. Pavlich would have come in handy.
Hopefully for Jefferson's sake, kicking a lightning quick goal on debut won't be the main thing he's remembered for 10 years from now. Let's revisit if I'm still writing this/alive in 2035. Ironically, he was the debutante I was least sure of. Before May's injury I'd have gone full conservative and played full conservative Tom McSizzle in attack instead.
Despite Jefferson kicking another via more conventional means later, I still think there was something in this idea. It's not a knock on Jefferson - who I will not in any way be following the club's advice to call 'The Magician' - but concern for protecting van Rooyen with experienced senior players, especially when he was joined by a first gamer also learning to be a resting ruckman, and another whose only AFL related appearance was one half-baked scratch match for another club. You can win plenty of games with the forwards we put out on Sunday, but only if you give JVR and Fritsch enough support. Give it a couple of weeks in the dry and then we can slam the panic button with righteous fury.
When we followed the opening goal with Sparrow marking with the flight of the ball in a way that would have seen him paralysed 30 years ago I was ready to believe in magic. He missed the shot, but the GWS kick-in was their only possession of the first few minutes. Not the first time we've had a good that's gone up in smoke when the other team finally started to get a kick, but that's the game isn't it?
The real problem, and one that came back to haunt us, was that once we got the ball forward and didn't kick goals, we were cut from arsehole to appetite on transition. This was no help to a group of tall defenders that did everything required of them when the ball wasn't flying down there at warp speed. Lever was the best of them, but in a shock news flash that should have led every TV news bulletin in Australia, premiership defender Harrison Petty is a very good defender. It's a shame he can't attack a ball coming at him from our players like he does off the boot of opponents, but he did more good things in this game than about 18/20 last year and it really is a crime how long we left him swinging in the wind when he became clear he couldn't regularly play forward. Our 2024 season was probably dead after the Alice Springs debacle, but you can't tell me we wouldn't have got more benefit out of him and McDonald swapping ends for the rest of the year.
Their first goal came from a poke through an open square (also how we got about half ours), and the second via the first unmitigated shambles of the year after turning a Gawn free kick out of the centre into nervy looking switches across half back, finally ending in a failed attempt to centre it. It might not have been the day to bang it forward and hope for a mark but even without Pickett there would have been more chance of crumb in front of our goal than theirs. Later, Petty was nabbed for deliberate when his allegedly 'missed handball to a teammate' hit the behind post. There was general outrage in the stands but no way he wasn't trying to disguise blatantly rushing a behind so it was just bad luck that it landed in a spot where the umpires had to do something.
I was surprised when Langford was named as sub, especially when Jack Henderson hadn't played either our practice games before being selected, but after a summer of being more excited about him than Xavier Lindsay the roles reversed in a quarter. I'm prepared to be wowed by both of them, but after good not great pre-season form, Lindsay was fantastic here. Clean in getting and giving the ball, stronger than expected at the contest and I would like to subscribe to him for several years to come. Maybe they were deliberately staggering the introduction of Langford but he wasn't helped by coming into the game just as the biblical rains started, and about two minutes before his teammates all ran out of juice. If he doesn't start next week I'll riot/complain on the internet.
Speaking of Henderson, he cropped up for literally the first time late in the quarter with a much-needed goal just when it looked like we'd run out of goalkicking puff 16 seconds in. This was also his first kick, meaning the Jefferson goal now appears in two great statistical anomalies. Not only the fastest on record, but the first time we've ever had two first kick/goal players in the same game - much less consecutively. Ye olde VFL records are obviously sketchy, but from what we know the new record of two in a quarter replaced the 10 matches between Brock McLean and Colin Sylvia in 2004. Mind you, we did increase the probability of this happening by picking a zany number of potential candidates.
I'm going to come across like the No Fun Police in this post, but I wasn't keen on the Riverdance extragavanza after our goals. I know the game was dedicated to Jim Stynes (let's see if it's our first home game again next year or conveniently moves to other unpopular fixtures that need a few thousand extra on the gate) and that he didn't mind leaning into Irish stereotypes when not flogging bananas but all this lacked was somebody dressed as a leprechaun. I'll admit that by the time we got rolling in the third quarter the crowd was going wild for it, but let's just leave it at once per year thanks. I saw somebody seriously suggest this is done every home game, which would be the biggest crime against matchday entertainment since the trumpeter - and at least if you had to listen to him we'd won. Imagine the sad scenario of them shuffling away after a 28th minute consolation goal in the last quarter of a 75 point loss? Horrifying.
The second quarter was what I'd expected coming in, we were holding up reasonably well in defence but couldn't craft a goal for shit. They eventually came, but all from open play scramble. Nothing wrong with that, and I didn't expect any kick/mark/goal revelations in these conditions, but we can't play like this all year. You'd blame the rain if it wasn't for three years of evidence that this is just what we do. It might have statistically been close to JVR's worst game, but I'm ready to punch on to defend his contribution due to helping bring others into it. In the second quarter he made room for Sharp to belt one through an open goal, then for Petracca to kick the cover off a snap.
Even on an off day in unsuitable conditions, where he's credited with -10 metres gained, this was van Rooyen having some impact. It's more than you can say for Fritsch, whose 150th game was the disappointing milestone equivalent of being kicked in the dick at your own birthday party. He's won our goalkicking several years running and holds certified legend status for you-know-what, but is stuffed without bigger forwards taking the focus away. He had no space here and couldn't make any. It wasn't good, but he's got plenty of season left to recover.
Somehow after the second Petracca goal we were two up approaching half time. It didn't last, as all the good work went out the window via conceding three late goals. Remember when about a month ago we had a practice match that included drills on how not to concede late goals? Well consider how that game finished with North kicking one after the siren and what happened at the end of this game, and wonder if we shouldn't play an entire game where the clock is set at 2.00 and the goal is not to concede.
On the other hand, scoring at the start of a quarter isn't a problem. The second half went one better than the first, with Windsor marauding off half-back for a quality running goal at the first bounce (yes, he probably ran too far before the first bounce. Take it up with the AFL), and Swallow getting it right this time after not having a near death experience in the lead-up.
The third goal was the funniest, with Bowey seemingly fessing up to the ball being touched but having it paid anyway. I suspect he had no idea whether it had been and was signalling to a teammate that it may have been touched based on the reaction of an opponent. As the players reluctantly went back to the middle while expecting to have to turn around and defend the kick-in, I thought what a ridiculous waste of time it was to be going through a review when the player had already conceded. Then they restarted the game and it had counted. Sure, why not? The moral payback for this was for Bowey to run over a ball in defence a few minutes later and concede a goal.
We had sadly peaked at the Bowey scandal, and the rest of the game was spent desperately holding on. Aidan Johnson looks like an evil Nathan Jones, and he became the latest first timer to kick goal after swiping the ball from an opponent's hands. He was also tagged with a one game suspension for driving somebody into the ground in a tackle, so a memorable day all round. I think he'll be handy but not sure about him as a second ruck. On any other day I'd prefer somebody else does it so van Rooyen can stay where he'll do the most damage, but Johnson was giving off Brett Goodes style "having a crack but not entirely sure what's he's doing" vibes. We haven't got a lot of viable second options so might be stuck with it post-suspension, so for now I'm happy for him to have a crack and learn the craft.
Langford was finally subbed on at the end of the third quarter, just as it started absolutely pissing down which might have tempered some of his excitement. I'm confused as to why they took Howes off, not because he'd been playing particularly well but surely you could see by now that we were going to struggle to save this game, so even in the big wet why remove a defender when any number of utility types could've made way.
The heavy rain was the MCG's chance to unveil their big comedy gimmick for the season, fake water drops on the big screen regularly being cleared by a novelty-sized digital wiper. Many people thought this was piss funny but it was on the same level of humour for me as when they rigged footage of a seagull to look like it was bopping along to the music. I know they're probably going to flog advertising for this spot, but believe it or not some of us glance at the screen to get a better look at what's going on in the game. I will not accept any "then don't sit in Row MM" correspondence, because it's even more important for people on ground level who choose to see FUCK ALL when the ball is on the other side of the ground. And don't write in to say "you must be fun at parties" because that implies going to parties in the first place.
I'm not going to spend excess time on the last quarter because there's something historically significant that I'm desperate to do a special review on, but I never felt confident of holding on. Even when Jefferson helicoptered through his second it felt like they were going to overrun us. And indeed they did, but not without a fight.
When we conceded the first goal of the last quarter I thought "here we go", but some breathing space was created when a lovely bit of Windsor movement set up Jefferson's second. And that was as far as we got towards putting the game away. Here's another thing I don't get, it's fair enough that Gawn went off for a break mid-quarter but what's with him being stuck on the bench for minutes longer than expected because the ball wasn't on the correct side of the ground.
Are you allowed to make interchanges whenever you like? If so, and I know this right out of the "why they don't they just kick straight?" book of footy analysis, just identify the closest person to the bench who isn't crucial to the result and rip them off from a novelty-size hook so we can put the most immense figure of our modern history back into a game turning against us. The rotations can't be so tight at the end that anybody other than A+ players are worth more than a rested Gawn who can make a difference in any part of the ground. There must be something in it, because it happens at all clubs and people who are paid big money to think about this stuff don't have a solution but from an outside perspective it feels self-defeating not to get your best players on by any legal method available and worry about the consequences later.
By the time Gawn got back on we were holding on for grim death. I had more faith in winning via heroic defensive efforts than kicking another goal, but enter Johnson for a potential fairytale ending set shot. The problem is that he was nearly 50m out, on the boundary, kicking into the wind, at the end of his first AFL game, having spent his entire career playing in local parks and not giant empty stadiums. Given our Swiss cheese method of stopping them taking the ball out of defence I was already thinking about it pinging down the other end if he missed. I don't blame him for taking a literal shot at the big Hollywood finish, and there was probably too much time for the old Lewis/Neal-Bullen fake a set shot then kick backwards routine, but we'd probably have been better if he'd just shanked it straight out on the full or set it up to the top of the square.
Alas it missed, and you know what happened next. By the time the ball was in the hands of Keefe for the decisive set shot I was already resigned to our fate, having cracked the shits when the ball found a player standing in the middle on his own. I'll concede that they were lucky that a wonky kick landed in the right spot, but from there the path to goal was lit up like New Year's Eve. It wasn't an easy set shot, but where were the cyclonic winds and violent pelting rain when we really needed them? No, in basically perfect conditions he gently plonked in through and we were basically rooted.
We had 53 seconds to win it, but there was a lot of actual water under the metaphorial bridge since we were booting goals straight from the middle earlier in the game. What was with our midfielders taking forever to get back to the middle after the goal? There was speculation on the radio that they were trying to provoke a 6-6-6 warning to get the ball thrown up, which would have been good if they hadn't already had the warning earlier. Imagine they'd forgotten that and a free had been paid, that would've been hard to live down. It got thrown up anyway and fat lot of good that did us. Petracca went forward then didn't get the chance to do anything because the ball went down the GWS end anyway as time ran out and we were beaten. I didn't love it, but after blowing my stack on the leadup to the goal it was hard to muster up any real anger with 22 games left. It should get better, it could get worse, best save energy.
Considering the slender crowd, there was one final massive pisstake at the final siren, as you couldn't even make a quick exit from the Olympic Stand. Their dingbat policy of cramming all the level 4 patrons in the same stand - on a rainy day - meant having to slowly shuffle down a crowded staircase when I just wanted to get out of the place and grieve our lost premiership points in peace. The stages of grief were passed through quickly and by now I've reached conditional acceptance based on what happens next week. I think everything's going to be alright, but may just be trying hard to convince myself.
Crowd Watch
Thoughts with the old bloke who plummeted down the Olympic Stand stairs at three quarter time and looked in very ordinary shape. He was being attended by clearly baffled security guards who were trygn to look like they knew what to do until real medical help arrived. Meanwhile there was some cockhead filming on their phone, in landscape, for purposes unknown. Unless it was the victim's lawyer I hope he catches crotch rot. I feel guilty for not berating this awful human, but was still scarred from the earlier incident where I awkwardly tried to compliment the food service guy for artfully working two registers at the same time and he may have thought I was taking the piss.
Surely somebody had chucked a late sickie Steven May style and the people who charge $6.50 for a hotdog aren't stingy enough to make their employees do the work of two people. It was bloody artistic though, like one of those 1970s rock kents playing multiple keyboards. No idea what his name was, and I guarantee you he won't be reading this but I salute random cash register man's artistry. I can do without seeing people being seriously injured (NB: unless they deserve it) but this is the sort of random gold that I'm missing out on by not being able to attend every game. Which is sad.
2025 Allen Jakovich Medal
Shocking afternoon if you had 'No Eligible Player' in your multis, because all three of the minor awards already have somebody on the board.
5 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
4 - Xavier Lindsay (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender)
1 - Tom Sparrow
Apologies to Langdon, McDonald, Petty and Windsor. And no, I did not enjoy Salem's game, thank you for asking.
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Maybe it's because there's nothing to compare them to, but there were a few decent contenders here. With apologies to Jefferson's opener, either of the Petracca snaps, or the Bowey self-reporting debacle, it's got to be Windsor in the third quarter. Sure he ran the New York Marathon before bouncing the first time but if the umpires are happy so am I.
Next Week
I'd have been worried about a letdown against the permanently rebuilding North if we'd won, but now I'm terrified of the assumption that we'll thrash them. We beat them easily in that practice match, and even if there's more of the VFL All Star atmosphere in our first team than you'd have imagined at the time there's no guarantee of a repeat. For once this time we don't have Pickett running riot, and if Clarko's got anything left in the tank he'll have come out of the warm-up match with a raft of sneaky moves. On paper we're better, but for the love of all that is holy please do not publicly discuss anything other than a battling victory with a few nervy moments. Anything beyond that will be a bonus.
If it wasn't for Johnson's injury I'd say just roll with the same team, but I don't want to throw van Rooyen back into semi-professional rucking after one week so let's tear open the 'journeyman' envelope and pick Tom Campbell. Can he play forward when not required to ruck? Probably not, but he's a big bastard who can bring some physicality to our attack. There is about a 0.01% chance of this actually happening.
IN: Campbell
OUT: Johnson (susp)
LUCKY/UNLUCKY: To return next week
(Update from a few days later - apologies to Daniel Turner for forgetting he existed)
Barring suspension of somebody else copping an elbow in the throat I don't see any reason to rush selection changes. Langford gets a full game at the expense of Henderson, otherwise let's stick on this side for a bit before tearing it apart and trying to plug gaps. Regular IN/OUT/LUCKY/UNLUCKY categories return next week.
Final thoughts
It was neither the or worst of times, but nor was it within the top 100 of bad times. Until there's evidence to the contrary I'll assume everyone will be better for the run. Meanwhile I'm 8-10 in live games post-premiership so maybe it's better for everyone if I stay home?
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