Sunday 24 August 2008

Another Victim of South Australian Serial Killers

Chalk up another poleaxing in the (not quite as far) west. Did you at least see this one coming? I didn't, I tipped us. Having seen Port play against Carlton a fortnight ago when they were considerably worse than we had been against Geelong and still got ten goals closer it seemed obvious that they were going to glide gracefully into oblivion this year, take their #3 pick and run for the hills. Of course we didn't count on a) them having some pride, or b) actually knowing how to play football. Two attributes of which, sadly, the Melbourne Football Club lacked today.

This week there will be no reportage. I've had enough this year. Suffice to say that the second quarter was right up there with the last quarter of the Eagles game in the all time "worst football ever" greatest hits. No wonder only 19,000 people showed up. I'll bet they make a shitload more money from their rubbish crowd against us at Football Park than we do against them at the MCG. Great system we live under isn't it? Why is it that Port have so few fans despite being relatively successful? Maybe it's got something to do with having a glorious history of success, a jumper literally designed by a ten year old and a theme song that sounds as if it were written specifically for the deaf.

Blah, blah, blah we were shit. Blah, blah, blah maybe we'll be good in 2015. We lost, badly, it was a slopfest and thank christ next week we can wash our hands of this whole shithouse season and find something more important to do during summer.

The "How Badly Are We Going?" Corner
Quoth Tony Shaw: "Paul Wheatley, he'd almost be leading their Best and Fairest at the moment" No he fucking wouldn't you failed coach git. Get down on your knees every night and thank god that Malcolm Blight being on a commercial network is the only thing keeping you from being the worst commentator in the game.

Draft Watch
I'm still sure we'll pick Watts, and rightly so too. But with White and Jamar both being obliterated today I must admit that I started to have second thoughts about Naitanui. Serves me right for listening to the AFL recruiter on the radio pre-match who is paid to say that all the players at the top of the draft are guns. I'll go back to trying to convince myself he's going to be the biggest bomb since Hiroshima all the way until he wins a Brownlow and Watts has fallen foul of the Melbourne draft curse and ended up pulling pints in a pub a'la C. Lamb.

Chaired Off Corner
Surely despite being a bit mince Yze and White retain their spot next week with a special appearance from one Mr. B Holland. All three may as well call the press conference for Monday morning now because there's NO CHANCE IN HELL they'll be playing for us next season (though the way Holland played against Hawthorn this year.. No, don't even think it). However they all deserve a send off - White and Yze have been champions and as maligned as he has been (often on these pages) Holland has never given anything less than 100% for us. Hopefully he'll say goodbye by kicking 10 (behinds probably) and jumping the fence at the end to serve a writ on the Richmond board for unpaid money. That will put a bigger tear in my eye than merely seeing the Tigers finish 9th again.

History Lesson
Anyone reading that isn't old enough to remember the '98 season? Well, let me tell you about a side who thought they were going to win in Round 22 and make the 8. Essendon and West Coast had already done the right thing and lost, so 76,000 showed up to see history in the making . Four quarters later we had rumbled them by 75 points, Jeff Farmer had taken the mark of the year (Winston Abraham my arse) and grown men were crying. Hillarious! I'm dying for a repeat, though if they're alive going into the game the only way we're going to be able to stooge them is by winning because the Essendon/St. Kilda game that will really decide their fate is the 4.40pm twilight shitfest.

2008 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - Simon Buckley
4 - James McDonald
3 - Cale Morton
2 - Colin Sylvia
1 - Paul Wheatley

Apologies to Green, Warnock, Garland, Bell and all Melbourne fans who live in Adelaide.


Now I promise that this hasn't been set up, but suddenly we're looking at a titantic Round 22 struggle for supremacy. Given that we're going to get smashed like a guitar next week I'd have to have my money on one of Green or McDonald as they're our most consistent performers during slopfests. In the other awards Garland/Johnson look like sharing the Seecamp, and Morton is guaranteed at least a share of the Hilton with only a Valenti comeback and BOG possible to split it.

Today we're also proud to announce, due to public demand, the new STRAWBS O'DWYER AWARD for Ruckman of the Year. Congratulations Paul, and also to Jeff White who is at least getting something on his way out of the club, with the 2005/06/07 Strawbs awards going to him on a countback after careful scrutiny of past votes and the fact that Jamar never even scored a vote until this season.

25 - Cameron Bruce, Brad Green
24 - Nathan Jones, James McDonald
21 - Brock McLean
18 - Matthew Bate
17 - Brad Miller
17 - Cale Morton (WINNER: 2008 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
14 - Lynden Dunn
13 - Paul Johnson (WINNER: 2008 Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
12 - Colin Garland and Chris Johnson (Joint Leaders: 2008 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Shane Valenti
11 - Aaron Davey
10 - Austin Wonaeamirri, Simon Buckley
9 - Matthew Whelan
6 - Jared Rivers
5 - Brent Moloney
4 - Clint Bartram, Stefan Martin, Paul Wheatley
3 - Nathan Carroll, Matthew Warnock, Jeff White
3 - Colin Sylvia
2 - Russell Robertson, Addam Maric
1 - Mark Jamar, Adem Yze

Next Week
It's all over. Never again. Until next season. I hope North win the flag and somebody throws the Premiership Cup at Demetriou.

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