Still M.F.C

We finished 14th, Troy Chaplin never won a game as coach, and the chance to do something hilarious in the last round went begging, but it's not all bad news. Oslo just called and we've been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize after uniting Carlton and Collingwood fans through the joy of beating us in thrillers. 

Midway through the year, I said we were such an average side that it would be appropriate to finish 11-1-11 with a percentage of 100. In real life we missed this by miles, but it was proven morally correct by a ladder where the results of all games decided by six points or less were reversed and we finished 12-11. So as far as I'm concerned the theory was right, I was just dudded by the execution. We played six games decided by single figure margins and lost the lot, so this is not a team you'd want defusing a bomb in its final seconds.

It's good that we got that close to finals contenders like GWS, Footscray, and Collingwood x2 (not so much Carlton, and especially not St Kilda), but law of averages suggests a team would take its chances at least once. There was a bit of variety in how we did it, starting the season by conceding in the last 30 seconds, and ending it by frantically failing to score in the last 30 seconds. Sunrise - sunset. It's been shizen, but considering where things looked like going after the early season poundings, there's something to be said for never being thrashed again. Forget the heavy reliance on players who won't be there in a few years, or that we were often so boring the highlights could be liquified and used to euthanise animals, it was a bad season but could've been a lot worse.

God knows why they made us play Collingwood in the last round again after the 2024 edition brought the game into disrepute. On all measurements other than finishing with a higher score, the rematch was more successful. I'd say it's a bit sad that the most excitement most people got from this game was the chance to leave the Pies with a slightly worse finals seeding, but that would be hypocritical after four months of plotting how to wreck the value of a pre-traded draft pick. 

I started the night invested only in Operation Avoid Thrashings, but got sucked in when the live ladder caught fire and it briefly looked as if we might end the season on a high. In the end, the result was an appropriate end to the season - we had a massive crack, weren't disgraced, turned on our otherwise dumpster fire forward connection (that one's for you Goody xoxo) for a few glorious minutes, but didn't have four quarters in us against a good team, or the poise to put a game away.

For the second year in a row, Collingwood's percentage concerns didn't come into it. Last time they needed to beat us by about 130 points, and the game became useless once it was clear that wouldn't happen. This time, their top four prospects would be helped by battering us (not realising that Gold Coast would do something stupid like lose to Port Adelaide), so they had a motivation to pile it on. Turns out they weren't up to it, but could still end up with the flag so I'm not setting up an avalanche of receipts by writing them off now.

We didn't have much to play for except pride and whatever level of stuffing up Collingwood the players were up for. I'm suspicious of how much they'd care, half of them probably used to go for the Pies before being drafted. If that didn't float their boat there was always the prospect of finishing one spot higher than last year despite winning four fewer games. This year they didn't have a monkey-off-the-back "yeah, that'll do us" win the previous week, and surely had some motivation to help Troy Chaplin get a win before his term expired. He did not, becoming only the third person to finish his senior coaching career with a 0-3 record but deserves credit for finishing with an aggregate margin about 140 points lower than I'd expected.

Given that the opposition didn't half to win to make finals, I couldn't get excited about moderately sticking it to an enemy that hasn't felt threatened by us on-field for nearly 10 years. I just wanted to get to the final siren with heads held high, and without losing any players to next season ending injuries or suspensions for violence and/or doing any sort of 'ism/'phobia. Low standards mission accomplished. It would've been fun to annoy the cast of Monty Python-looking characters sitting around the boundary line (people who booed May more vigorously for disrespecting a premiership they'd already won than Pickett for walloping their captain in the head), but history says people who made the brave decision to follow the biggest club in the game will always come out ahead in the end.

Ignoring the end result, this gives us something slightly positive to take into the off-season. Try not to think about how much rests on Gawn's shoulders, or how we still largely move the ball like the criminally insane and maybe there's something in the future. But first, the usual off-season shenanigans. Which players will make a break for freedom? Who'll be rumoured to spend their break doing cracktivities? And for the first time since 2011, what's going to happen with a competitive race to become our next coach? Hope they've added a few safeguards to the process since last time.

We do have a permanent CEO now, almost the entire season since he was appointed, and the winner of the Gary Fogel lookalike contest said they'll be interviewing 6-8 candidates and aim to appoint before the Grand Final. They might have a bulging shortlist, but I wonder how many potential nominees will believe the pro-Buckley media hype, think it's a sham process and decline to participate. I don't believe Buckley is a foregone conclusion, and I'm not going for anyone in particular. Just roll in somebody who is realistic and won't go to pieces if it doesn't start well, then roll on whatever degree of rebuild from 1% to 100% is deemed necessary.

Back to the usual Melbourne-focused programming soon, but in my last men's competition post of the season let's use important real-life issues to mock an AFL administration which makes Fawlty Towers look like the Grand Hyatt. The entertainment on Grand Final Day will be as relevant to me this year as an election in Botswana, but when Snoop Dogg was named as this year's star international guest who didn't think "this could go wrong"? I thought the problem would be his famous love of non-ASADA compliant smokeables, and how far they'd have to park his dressing away from players so they don't have to self-report passive inhalation. Nobody seemed that concerned about massive drug intake, and he didn't even have to claim that all this time he's been singing about Sam Weideman.

Turns out some of his lyrics are a bit spicy. Really, you don't say. Not the guy with hot hits like Bitch Please, I Wanna Fuck You, and various ones about shooting. I know he'll be doing the Olympic Closing Ceremony package, not songs with titles boring white people should avoid like the plague but nothing screams boring and white like AFL HQ, so despite these potential pitfalls they screamed "We'll have that" and slapped down seven figures to book him. And maybe we'd have got the duet on David King's hit single Who Are They? (What's Their DNA?) if Izak Rankine hadn't ignited nuclear level "yeah, but what about..." arguments by unloading one of the words you used to be able to but now can't say on television.

History suggested this left him staring down the barrel of a five week ban and as much chance of impacting the finals as Melbourne. Now people started acting surprised that the famous rap fellow had dropped a few homophobic slurs over the years. You don't say. But the good news is that according to the 'permanently looking on edge as if he's up to something shifty' Andrew Dillon, the AFL "cannot vouch for every lyric in every song ever written or performed by any artist who has or will appear on our stage". Which is true in some ways, but it's not like they booked Dire Straits and discovered the relevant term in one song, in this case there may have been a few red flags. It's up to you whether it should DQ him or not, but they made a rod for their own back by booking him in the first place.

Most people accept that players adhering to standards of human decency isn't part of a commo plot that will end in your kids forcibly having their gender changed, so if you had all this going on and needed to decide on a punishment for Rankine, would you:

a) rely on precedents, give him five games, tell the Crows that if they didn't like it there's a lovely local league to play in, and try to sweep the matter under the rug ASAP, or;
b) engage in the most stage-managed outcome since The Tankquiry, and cut a week off the penalty based on 'medical evidence' that conveniently gives him a chance of playing the Grand Final if Adelaide take the long way to get there, stinks of rort and keeps the story in the news longer than necessary. 

You'll never guess what happened, and while nobody's been happy with how the VFL/AFL is run since about 1906, the whole thing was deer-in-the-headlights shambolic. Everyone hated Ross Oakley, but he had more dignity while frantically trying to kill clubs off than the people in charge now do explaining tribunal decisions. This set the penalty at just 25% higher than running into somebody because you didn't make a decision about where the ball was going in the 0.25 seconds available. But it is infinitely more than the nil weeks for threatening opponents on social media.  

Speaking of offensive behaviour in a public place, back to season 2025 for the last time. In some ways it's been interesting, but few relating to what happened on field. There were a few last cheap thrills here, but I'm sure the same thing was possible with a few small tweaks to the side. After Casey narrowly avoided the VFL's Wildcard Wankfest and got a week off, I thought we might finish some long-term storylines by giving Laurie another quarter, or completing Tom Campbell's Mr. Powerhouse sweep of playing for the four smallest Victorian clubs. Instead we declined Mr. Dogg's kind offer to Drop It Like It's Hot and surely became the first team ever to start the final round this low on the ladder and pick an unchanged side coming off a loss. After the help we've given them, Casey better win the VFL flag, then stage a hostile takeover of the SANFL, WAFL, and Bundesliga.

It was another game where anyone fanging for a reason to believe in the future could say we were a functioning forward line away from winning. Possibly true in this case, but not sure if that will get us through a full season unless the midfield and defence regain some of their 2021-2023 power. We've known there's a deficiency in our tall forwards ranks for three years but it hasn't stopped us booting the ball down there as if the greatest attacking players of a generation will be on the other end of it. For instance, thumping our first attack of the game to a three-on-one contest, where it was not surprisingly intercepted. Remember doing the exact same thing against Collingwood last time? And every other opponent in recent history, as we set out to do a community service and prove that inside 50s are a shithouse stat that don't mean a thing without context.

Meanwhile, when they got a chance the other lot patiently waited for an opportunity to open up, then landed the ball on a player standing without an opponent in the same timezone. He flubbed it by trying to hand off to one of the Genetic Jackpot Brothers, but the ease of entry suggested we were going to be sliced and diced up the wazoo all night. Didn't happen, but the early returns were enough to make those of us with a nervous disposition worry about a grand slam porking.

By the time we were two goals down I was convinced this would end tragically. For the benefit of people still going on about you-know-what, the second came from Corey Maynard's brother, and all signs pointed to an easy win for the Pies. You couldn't argue against the plan to try and move the ball more quickly by hand, but I'm surprised that in a big fat dead rubber we tried the Langdon vs Daicos tag again. This time it lacked surprise value, and I don't think Ed was as committed to playing the villain across four quarters of desperate scrag. The locals still got upset about it, but I don't think there's anything these grim humans wouldn't boo. It makes me want to hire Buckley just to see if they can be persuaded to turn on him for daring to work elsewhere.

For the second week in a row, there was plenty for the ingrates who have turned on Steven May as if he dried his nuts with the 1941 premiership flag. For those of us who remain hopelessly devoted to him, it was a bit tragic seeing him struggle again. Still have NFI what benefits they were hoping for by rushing him back in the side post-suspension. Everyone knows the ban was garbage, but sending him on an early pre-season would've given us the chance to look at options for the future, and (as it turns out) saved him from two weeks of colour-lowering sadness. He looked to have no confidence, and at the speed we were letting the ball get down there, had no chance of help from his fellow defenders.

Just as I was thinking they should save him from torment and do something last round fun by playing him forward in a swap with Petty, up popped Harrison for our first goal. Which was nice, and there were a couple of times in the first quarter when I was almost ready to accept him starting 2026 as a forward. Then he practically didn't a kick for the last three quarters and I was back to thinking he'd be better served as a defender. I'll go to my grave saying they botched it not seriously trying McSizzle down there midway through last year, and in what may have been (but I hope isn't) his 249th and last game for us we might have chucked him down there on a farewell tour this time. 

But somehow a team that has relied on two defenders to prop up its forward line over the last two seasons couldn't make way for a third when it was obvious we weren't going to give up our near sexual fetish for kicking to the top of the square no matter what, while Tom was left to keep seeing how far he could push the boundaries of dissent before the umpire paid 50 against him. It never happened, but he still looked wound-up like a two dollar watch in the post-match video, sitting next to Gawn looking ready to throttle somebody. I'm biased, but if he's not the sort of person we want at the club next year then who is?

Our ball movement wasn't quite at 'death or glory' levels, but there was still more emphasis on moving it quickly than you're likely to see in Round 1 next year. Nice of them to try something different but still not much use if it ends in the ball being kicked into the Death Valley of forward lines. But it worked nicely when Langford scooped up a wayward kick in the middle which ended up with Melksham and Pickett co-walking into an open goal. It was about the easiest one we've kicked all year so I'm surprised they didn't collide in shock.

I'm all for statistical anomalies and wacky milestones, but there's a ridiculous level of importance being put on Pickett becoming the first player to average 20 disposals and two goals per game since Steve Johnson in 2011. Lovely numbers for sure, but Johnson doubled his fun by also playing in a premiership team, not finishing 14th, so there's still some gap between them.

That was good, but once we were the ones benefiting from opposition inaccuracy. They were getting it down there enough that you (well me anyway) felt like the breakthrough was coming at any moment. Instead, after holding on for dear life while they blew multiple chances, there was a classic Reverse DemonTime moment where van Rooyen dropped a mark, but regathered and kicked a lovely snap to level scores. Because you can't relax for a second when we're involved, a centre bounce with 12 seconds left in the quarter turned into them having a shot after the siren. 

It missed so no harm done this time, but Mr. X has to do something about centre clearances next year while Gawn is still around. There was finally something for fans of trying somebody else in the middle, as Rivers was at most of the bounces and did well enough that you might ask where this was weeks ago. Alas after ending last year with 58% and 60% centre bounce attendance, McVee was given 0% and 0% this time which is a wasted opportunity. Unless he's leaving, in which case why play him at all?

My confirmation bias machine exploded when they kicked the first goal of the second quarter, but to our credit we wouldn't go away. Sure, the next goal came from Fritsch getting away with the biggest push in the back you'll ever see but it's not like we haven't been jibbed by umpires enough times this year that it should balance out eventually. Somewhere I'm sure one of their fans was bleating about an anti-Collingwood conspiracy, as if the AFL wouldn't chop off a finger to get them a couple of MCG finals in front of 95,000 people. 

Then, the people who turned up thinking they were going to have an evening of light entertainment at our expense started clenching up a bit when Melksham chipped one through, before they took advantage of the latest episode of May's tragic end to the season when he got caught in the middle of two players and didn't have the slightest impact on either. I choose to remember the good times.

For last round games between these teams where the favourites do something stupid, this was hardly us going five goals down at quarter time in 2017 without laying a tackle, and torching our chance at playing finals for the first time in a decade. It still came as a shock, and I was starting to come around to the challenge of making life hard for them. Not even because it was Collingwood, just as proof of life on the way out of the season. But normal service seemed to resume in the last few minutes as they spent the whole time attacking and we were back to looking simultaneously all at sea/dying to get the season over with and hit the piss.

The good news for nervous nellies like me was that it was increasingly unlikely that they'd pile on 15 unanswered goals and win in violent fashion. That was still my top thought during half time, having no faith in another (probably) futile third quarter burst against them. But burst we did, and it was very enjoyable. Not until after we'd blown two early chances, then nearly given one up at the other end. Midway through the quarter it was still going well, but not that well before five minutes of glory delivered three goals and the lead. 

When Fritsch got another to take it beyond six points it was all but a cover version of King's Birthday, except we didn't wait until the last quarter before taking (and I was still expecting to throw away) a handy lead. Just as it looked like we might survive until three quarter time without conceding for the quarter, Bowey was run down trying to escape defence and they finally kicked straight. But there was more late drama via Melksham, who kicked normally from only slightly further out than where he'd tried an optimistic (e.g. crap) around the corner shot earlier.

And for the second time we responded to a much-appreciated late goal by desperately trying to hand it back. This time the clock got down to four seconds before they marked inside 50. Talk about McDonald mastering the art of dissent, I've never seen a player argue so expressively with the umpire about his line for a kick after the siren. Imagine the scenes if the umpire cracked the shits and took the ball off him for excess sooking, they'd have been coming over the fence. 

The good news was that he hit the post, leaving us 10 points up at the last change. Sorry to everyone who believes in good vibes and positive thoughts, but I still didn't think we were going to win. Not because of what happened against St. Kilda, but as they had everything to play for, have won a shitload of thrillers in recent years, and were facing opposition with demonstrated zero killer instinct.

Regardless of what happened, this shit on last year's final round from a massive height. Additional bonus - no lightning delays to extend our miserable season by another half an hour. When that happened I declined the offer to hang around and went to bed, but this was worth propping my aged carcass up for. Especially when Petracca picked a ripper of a time to kick a set shot, making the margin nearly three goals. 

Imagine going on with it in a big game. I couldn't, even after 80s teen movie villain lookalike Schultz missed a shot. Eventually they got going through a wacky bounce from a random player, and before long we were behind again. There was finally a bit of story progression when the King's Birthday May Spray came back to haunt him after we conceded a goal from his rubbish panic kick from the last line of defence. I don't know where Gawn was when this happened, but I assume even if he was standing one metre away he'd have restrained himself from a full-throated outburst about the blunder. Then we were done in by a novelty bounce, conceded again, and were more than one kick behind. Live thoughts - we might run that down, probably won't. 

And the rest of the game can be summarised in the same way as all our forward play 2023-2025. We spent a few minutes madly trying to force a goal with bulk entries but never got one. Langdon had a chance to play the unfamiliar villain card one last time, but his snap missed everything, leaving us still a kick behind and a chance at worst of nicking a draw. When Sharp came on he broke the record for most starts as a sub, but I'm not sure they were actually going to use him until an attempted Culley mark ended with him landing on his face at an unusual angle. Top content if he'd come out of nowhere to kick a decisive goal but didn't go closer than taking a ball in mid-air and getting tackled straight away. 

By the end we were down to Turner nearly pulling down a cameo mark (where was McDonald you bastards?), but couldn't score again before time ran out. They won and are off to the finals, we didn't and are off to the players running out/coach running in the door races. It's all been said at some stage of the 22.9 posts from this home and away season, so that'll do me until next year. To quote something you may hear at half time of the Grand Final, hope you ready for the next episode. (Smoke Weid everyday).

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Harvey Langford
2 - Trent Rivers
1 - Christian Salem

Apologies to Fritsch and Turner

Final results
No change to the podium, with Gawn extending the margin to record levels. His total is the highest ever in a non-finals season, and the +33 margin is the widest in Jakovich history. I have similar views about him to Bill Lawry on Merv Hughes in The 12th Man, and hope he's got a few more years left of us running him into the ground. Elsewhere, it's congratulations to Jake Bowey who holds on for the first non-key defender win in the Seecamp since 2019, and to Harvey Langford who had the Rising Star locked up the moment Lindsay was confirmed out, but still slapped an exclamation mark on it with a great performance to end the year. 

In the all-time standings, Gawn went past Oliver for top spot this year, and there have now been 143 players to score votes since Round 1, 2005. Come back next year and find out if I finally decided to give the Rising Star a sensible or gimmick name. 

67 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year and Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
34 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Jake Melksham
22 - Christian Petracca
21 - Clayton Oliver
20 - Jake Bowey (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
18 - Daniel Turner
17 - Jack Viney
16 - Tom McDonald
14 - Harvey Langford (WINNER: Rising Star Award)
13 - Steven May, Christian Salem
11 - Kade Chandler, Bayley Fritsch
9 - Ed Langdon, Trent Rivers
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Harrison Petty
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Judd McVee
2 - Jake Lever
1 - Jai Culley, Harry Sharp, Jacob van Rooyen

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Pickett vs Port Adelaide wins overall for dash, finish, and just for being a tiny bit of enjoyment in an otherwise beige season. For that reason, I'm going past his goal in the third quarter here and giving it to van Rooyen for the snap at the end of the first quarter because dropping the mark first made it more fun.

Next Week
Casey try to pay off our late season focus on them winning a flag vs senior development. And I'll be chuffed if they do. Otherwise I'll be watching the W, and all other forms of Australian Rules Football can do one.

Revenge of the Spitebury Plan

Unless Essendon's handful of battered survivors beat Gold Coast in the traditional Round 24B game, we'll finish in exactly the same spot as last year. That's not a good thing, except where you've pre-traded a draft pick that will now be cashed in for allegedly lesser players, in a pool compromised up the wazoo by father/son and academy picks.

It won't be known for years whether Lindsay or Mr. X is the better player, but it's a better result than early in the season when it looked like we could be forking over pick one. Whoever Essendon gets I hope he retires to join an apocalyptic cult two weeks after the draft.

Final thoughts
It's been a weird year, but I've had worse. At the end of our 21st (!!!!!) season of men's coverage, I'd like to offer the traditional thanks to everyone who regularly goes through this nonsense. Here's to next year being interesting for non-cataclysmic reasons. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other. Cheerio and Go Dees.

High percentage option

Welcome to our 10th year of AFLW coverage, which has got to be some kind of record. If only for the lowest average of actual insights per words used. Like the competition itself, these reviews may be wonky at times, but everything's done in the best possible taste. Mind you, even if you're into this sort of thing you can sometimes treat it like an afterthought. Cut to Mick Stinear staring blankly into the distance whenever somebody (including me) referred to Simon Goodwin as "our only living premiership coach". He's certainly the only coach I've seen deliver a premiership live, so he instantly qualifies as a TOP BLOKE.

After all this time, AFLW viewing should be at "no dickheads policy" status, where people are free not to like it but don't need to barge into every conversation to tell you why. Then this report mentioned how much it costs to stage the competition, provoking scoff laughs with an air of undeserved superiority from men who need their hard drives investigated.

The league isn't immune from criticism or opportunities for improvement, but when asked for their ideas I can't believe multiple industry professionals suggested double headers and even more crossover with the men's season. It's bad enough for the AFLW's public profile starting the year now, how much capacity do they think people have for footy? Or for clubs to run both programs at once. But at least you can see how it might help player development, unlike doubleheaders with AFL games, which are the worst footy idea since Eddie McGuire's bye to the finals for winning a pre-season cup.

For the quality of the game I'd rather see it played at the MCG than Casey Fields, but instead of having 1500 spread out around a suburban ground, you'll have 1500 people at the MCG surrounded by 98,500 empty seats at 11am Sunday morning, with about as many people watching at home because they're either on their way to the later game, or can't dedicate six hours of their weekend to footy. If the AFL does this they're definitely looking for excuses to wind the competition down.

That's bad enough, but doubleheaders remain the worst footy idea since Eddie McGuire's famous bye to the finals for winning a pre-season cup. There's something to be said for more games at AFL venues instead of Casey Fields,  but instead of having 1500 people lightly spread out around suburban grounds, you'll have 1500 people  at the MCG, surrounded by 98,500 empty seats at 11am on a Sunday morning, and the home viewing audience either on their way to the later game, or having to dedicate about six hours of their day to footy.

For the $0.00 it's worth, my untested, unfunded, and likely unwanted suggestions are:

a) add Tasmania and [insert additional team here], then split the league into 2x10 team divisions with promotion and relegation. They've missed the boat on deciding who goes into the bottom league by not doing it when the four new teams got added, but once they sort that out it means more quality games between evenly matched sides and less shit teams getting massacred. Also creates good 80s/90s vibes by reintroducing the McIntyre Final 5. Preferably you'd have one up/one down, but probably have to do two to keep everyone happy.

b) go back to a season over summer - even if largely at night with games spread across the week, land the tail end of the season where the traditional footy grounds are available for finals, then go straight into state competitions at the normal times.

c) play the Victorian game of the week at Princes Park and avoid unsuitable suburban grounds as much as possible

d) review the league specific rules.Would it be better to have 18 players on a full size ground? Does the last touch rule just tip everyone off to where the next kick is going so they can flood back? And is there really a need to keep playing with a reduced size ball?

e) commit to the competition long-term, then relax, let it breathe for a few years, and don't get distracted by people who are just trying to make trouble.

... and if you must have some crossover between the AFL/AFLW seasons, the next worse thing to a double-header is scheduling a men's game at the MCG and a women's game at the Western Oval an hour after that finishes. If you can't find a neutral day for the M and W games of the competing clubs then put them against different teams until it works.

None of this will happen (and there may be very good reasons why not), but I'll keep watching as long as original recipe Melbourne is involved. The same rule applies across the board, if the men merged or relocated I wouldn't feel obliged to give the remotest shit about the competition. As a sooky teenager I was going to follow Freo instead of the Melbourne Hawks, now it would be a good excuse to do something useful with my time.

I'll admit to NFI how the W will fare this year. Last season was the worst of nine, but involved so much injury drama that we had to activate Rent-A-Player, and even without important players like Purcell and Harris for most of the campaign we staged a late revival and almost fell into finals. In an 18 team competition with 12 games, the fixture will be crucial. On paper, ours is fairly generous (e.g. no Adelaide, Hawthorn or North, 75% of the reigning bottom four etc...) but we'll probably miss the eight on percentage because somebody else gets to play a midweek exhibition game against the Orbost Astronauts.

Injuries here and elsewhere will also play a massive part in the results of the season. We're already down 2024 regulars Taylor, Colvin and Gillard for somewhere between half and all the season. Mackin and Hose are inactive for the year, Beasley's knee is still crocked from last September, and god knows who's going to drop now that the main games have started. We got through Round 1 with only one (seemingly minor) injury, but it doesn't bode well that our emergencies were about the only three fit players left on the list. Everyone's in this boat, so it's just a matter of luck as to which teams will be affected most.

With razor-thin depth at the best of times, you're almost guaranteed draftees will get a game if they're ready or not. This year we chucked O'Hehir and Mahony (enjoy having the 'e' incorrectly added for the rest of your career), but held off for now on the field hockey player with no footy background. The good news for the headline-friendly named Dethridge is whether she's ready or not, she's almost guaranteed to get a game if fit when a few players stack it ahead of her. 

My first disappointment for the season was finding out that O'Hehir is pronounced like O'Hare, and doesn't rhyme with the sound of a dirty old man laughing. Regardless, every time Molly does something good please consider this image. I'm against post-goal music, but will make an exception if we play the sound of deviant laughter after her goals. Because I'm sure this is exactly the sort of person AFLW wants to be associated with. 

More Carry On Casey content later (young people, I'm sorry I can't explain what's going on so just roll with it), back to the Western Oval and the resumption of our rivalry with Footscray after the best part of two years off. Last time we played them was early 2023, when they were really bad, and we were still really good.

Since then they've nicked a coach from us, and improved to slightly less than mid-table mediocrity while we've been everything from great to garbage, and lost foundation player Lily Mithen to Gold Coast. So it was reasonable to start favourites, but you'd have been nuts to stake any serious money on us. But to be fair, you'd have won without much of a scare. We might have no depth, but they barely had a surface.

For a few minutes in the first quarter it looked like we might struggle to convert long enough to leave the door open for them, but the Dogs only had about 1.5 quarters in them, and we eventually ran away with an easy win. It wasn't one of our all-time great thumping victories - and there have been a few - but due to happening in Round 1 we were left with a bumper percentage of 442.9%. Can't say I've seen a Melbourne side of any variety do that before. Footscray are obviously slow starters, last year the Giants beat them 72-9, finished the first round on 800%, and haven't won a game since. Which is odd. The rematch would make an interesting Second Division matchup.

Other than three debutantes, our main personnel changes were the return of Tayla Harris (though it turned temporary), and Olivia Purcell without the Phantom of the Opera mask that powered 2024's end of season revival. If this was a TV show she'd have kept it on all pre-season, dramatically tear it off just before the first bounce, then go onto a dominant BOG performance. Only 50% of this happened, but it was the important half. 

On the other side, I couldn't pick a Bulldogs player not called Ellie Blackburn out of a lineup, but was interested for about five seconds when it sounded like they had a player called 'Gutnick'. They also had a Poustie, which may cause issues with coverage in Neos Kosmos.

A wildcard commentary appearance by the permanently underused Jason Bennett was welcome, less so the unwanted 'count up' clock which was obviously a holdover from Channel 7's previous Saturday night VFL coverage. I know some people are mad for not knowing how much time is left, I ask you to please consider those of us likely to drop dead from stress during a thriller. And if you've got fuzzy memories of the 5 Minute Warning interrupting Malcolm Blight talking nonsense on Channel 10, consider how often you see screens on team benches showing how much time there is left.

Sometimes they have to count up because the timing system is on the fritz, but in this case the AFL app was showing the heart condition compliant countdown figure. Then the second commentator blew their 'we have no idea how long there is to go' gimmick sky high by saying Melbourne had "one more chance" conveniently just before the siren went. I'm pleased to say that during quarter time somebody found the 'UP/DOWN' button at the Seven control room and we got back to telling the viewer what was going on, not trying to invent drama.

The first quarter was the only time there was any drama in this game. Footscray's coach may have arrived with some idea of how her old side was going to set up, but lacked the core group of shit hot players to do anything about it.

Considering the options available in our forward line, all the early chances came from unusual sources. After some ropey moments at the other end the ball got stuck at our end for no reward. Having just watched another game where Melbourne could get the ball inside 50 but had no earthly idea how to convert, it was a familiar feeling. The difference is that you know that forward line has been broken for years, this one has players like Bannan, Hore, and Zanker who would kick heaps more goals if they didn't have to share with such good players.

None of them, or the returning Harris, featured early. I think Mahony's shot that was touched on the line robbed her of a spot in the first kick/first goal hall of fame, and after the Bulldogs dropped a sitter, then hit the post, our first goal of the season came from fringe candidate Shelley Heath. Unlike Footscray, she is a first round specialist, having last kicked goals x2 in the opener two years ago. Not unsually, it came via a strong tackle and we look forward to watching her stalk opponents around the country for the next few months.

Otherwise, it was the same old story as we weren't conceding goals (partially thanks to inept opposition attack), but couldn't kick them either. It lacked spectacle value for the neutrals, but considering how cold it would've been there, some kids standing on the fence demonstrated admirable enthusiasm by jumping around as if they were in a mosh pit. Even if they were just trying to get on TV or staving off frostbite it added atmosphere. I was less appreciative of the fans who greeted a last touch free kick by vigorously doing the lasoo gesture, because the last thing we need is the AFL to think they can make that a 'fun' opportunity for fan engagement. It's already an unnecessarily wacky motion, what's wrong with the umpire just crossing arms over the head or something rather than carrying on as if piss drunk in a nightclub.

Though we were only a goal up at the break it felt like we'd eventually break them the longer the game went. And that's what happened, but across the last nine years there have been a few times where we've been caught dominating almost every element of the game except placing of ball through the goal hole. The 400% massacre didn't get started until the big hitter forwards arrived. Our galaxy of stars was already in operation elsewhere - Purcell and Hanks hoovering up possessions galore, Chaplin merrily rebounding out of defence etc... Now it was time for the goalkickers to start sinking their slipper.

In the club's pre-season documentary it was revealed that Kate Hore signed her first contract behind a tree in a park after playing a handful of games. Not how you'd imagine the finest, most consistent goalkicker of her generation would start a career, but she has since become a master of the art, and tentatively started party time with an intercept and goal. We survived nearly giving it right back before Bannan opened the floodgates, before they temporarily shut again when the Dogs got their first and last goal. Given the severe final margin it would be impolite to complain about dual blatant drops of the ball before plucking a snap out of nowhere.

After missing all but two quarters of last season, there was a reminder of what Tayla Harris can do when she pulled down a screamer. Unfortunately this was quickly followed by another injury departure, with the all-time novelty footy injury of a self-inflicted eye poke in a marking contest. This was quite ironic (enough of that - editor) given the ad that's been in high rotation for the last year. On this subject I couldn't agree with myself more:

What a stitch up after being in this ad for two years. #adchat https://t.co/Kuonvt5Wfi pic.twitter.com/TOrnQwxv6F

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) August 16, 2025

Maybe they'll digitally alter it like the Gold Coast logo in that AAMI ad to add an eye patch? Somehow, after tweeting largely for my own amusement since 2009, the above, ordinary throwaway post has romped into a clear lead as my most liked post ever. No idea why, but I'm just happy to see the years of niche comments on #adchat promoted to such a wide audience. 

Good thing I've got no skills that translate to being a celebrity, because I couldn't deal with the public. Imagine how many times this well-known figure, premiership winner, and subject of a statue has had to force a smile over the last two years while some DICKHEAD interrupted her daily business to crack lines from this commercial? I already think she should be legally cleared to punch anyone who mention jumpers or braids to her in public but this seals it. 

Other than the eye disaster, things were obviously heading in the right direction but we couldn't definitely put them away before half time. More wasted opportunities up front led to a near W-Demon Time miss as the Dogs hit the post after the siren. This light outbreak of momentum failed to survive through the half time break, and within a minute of the restart Zanker walloped one through on the run, and when Hanks added another it was over. 

While the opposition was burning their rare forward opportunities to a crisp, we had more big names of their industry involved than the Golden Age of Hollywood. By the time Hore and Zanker got their second goals, a fair old belting was back on the cards and there was enough buffer for Zanker to try a bicycle kick in the square after a shot on goal bounced away from the line. Didn't get anywhere near it, but bonus points for Jakovich-style flair.

With the game well won, the key priority was beating the men's score from earlier in the day. The pace of the belting slowed in the last quarter, but we got there eventually. The light pole in the background said MISSION, and it was mission accomplished when Hanks put through #9. Appropriately, she shared the last two goals with Purcell after they were by some margin the best players on the ground.

So this was quite an enjoyable start to the season if you're open to being distracted from the dreck being put on by the men. I don't know how it translates to the better teams, and we had Goldrick named as an emergency when there's no doubt she'd have been playing if available so we're potentially set for serious hurt if top players start getting injured, but on paper - and possibly in a case of famous last words - I think we should be serious contenders for a return to finals. Anything after that will be a bonus.

... and now, back for another year, it's the only club award named after somebody else's coach.

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Olivia Purcell
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Shelley Heath
2 - Kate Hore
1 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)

Apologies to plenty, but mostly Fitzsimon, McNamara, and Paxman.

Goal of the Week
Zanker missed out on Goal of the Century after whiffing on the bicycle kick but can console herself with the weekly award - and therefore clubhouse lead - for the goal on the run.

Next Week
We've traditionally had more trouble than necessary against St. Kilda, and they've just comfortably disposed of Adelaide so this could go anywhere. And as it's being played at Casey Fields, the ball could also go anywhere. I'd say it's not too late for relocating this game to a proper venue, but we've gone and booked a helicopter to strafe the ground with numbered balls after the siren, giving one lucky patron the chance to win $10,000. Good idea in theory, until some greedy scabs turn up with shopping bags and try to maximise their chances by pushing kids and the elderly over to get as many balls as possible.

I'm suspicious of helicopters at the best of times, but Mt. Variable Weather is the last place I'd stand under a low-flying one. It's one thing if the balls are all carried on a violent breeze to Tooradin, but I hope they've booked a military grade pilot to make sure this doesn't turn into Black Hawk Down II. It'll get publicity for the league, that's for sure.

I think we'll win, but not without a few traumatic moments. Won't be trusting any sort of three quarter time lead though.

Final thoughts
Get the men out of the way quickly so I can concentrate on this.

Taking the contractual obligations challenge

In a ranking of all events involving Melbourne, the MCG, and the number 56, this tepid end-of-season going through of motions ranks below the Summer Olympics, our final score in the 1988 Grand Final, and practically everything else since Dick Wardill and friends scored 8.8 in 1897. Last week an ordinary side unexpectedly squeezed some interest out of a 50% dead rubber, this caused neutral viewers to sit back and ponder what they were doing with their lives.

The AFL can introduce tournaments, wildcard rounds, or electrified goalposts, but throwaway end of season games like this are what the phrase "they can't all be classics" was invented for. Unless there's potential for an upset or a massacre, games between Mind On Bigger Things and Wishing For The Sweet Release Of Season Death are always forgotten moments after they end. Other than a 279th gamer in the twilight of his career briefly threatening to go full Fred Fanning, I invite you to return to this post next year and see if you remember anything else. I'm already struggling, and at the time of writing the game finished barely 12 hours ago.

I appreciate that we escaped the second of three consecutive games against top(ish) sides without being violently humped, and if we a) avoid disaster next week, and b) Gold Coast do the most slapstick thing of all time and miss finals after losing to Port and Essendon, we could end the season without a big loss against anyone in the top eight. So we've got that going for us. This was heading in the wrong direction before the Hawks proved either unable or uninterested in piling on a huge score. I think it was the first option, especially as they were playing against a corpse after quarter time. But they've got a ticket to the September lottery and we haven't, so I know whose shoes I'd rather be in (NB: but not if it meant wearing those colours).

So yay for not losing by much, and finishing with a barely reasonable score thanks to junktime flourish, but this was a performance that screamed 'placeholder' so loudly we should've temporarily replaced the demon mascot with a human-sized bookmark. But the good news was that Troy Chaplin said he wasn't interested in the senior job so he had a chance to experiment with the side and... never mind they just picked Sharp again. He avoided the outright record for starting sub the most times but still spent 3/4 of the game doing bugger all.

I know there's not a lot to be gained from zany team selection in the second last game of the season, but the priority seemed to be on giving Casey the chance to avoid a wildcard (*spit*) game IF they beat the top team AND other results went their way. Fair enough keeping the VFL All Stars together if finals were on the line, or next week when they've actually started, but this was a missed opportunity to reward players who have toiled in obscurity all season, accelerate a young player's senior development, give somebody on death row the chance to save his career, or take the load off any of the ageing senior players we've beaten like the proverbial government mule all season.

This assumes there's any situation short of an Essendon style Black Death injury crisis that would make us dramatically alter the team, but I don't see the purpose of picking Jed Adams last week, then punting him straight back to the Reserves. I'm surprised they didn't fling Culley too and rely on Windsor standing in the goalsquare all day, unable to move because of his shredded hamstring.

In lieu of wacky selections, I was prepared to accept light positional switches. Petty back, McDonald forward - or even better for novelty value May forward. They did let Rivers into a couple of centre bounces, but McVee is still banned from attending. I'm not surprised that Simon Goodwin's nine year assistant is intent on shepherding his old mentor's vision through to the end of the year, but he's taking the idea of a caretaker period too seriously. What did we get out of this game for the future except Howes playing on Gunston in an emergency because it looked like he was going to kick 15 against May.

Speaking of our exes, Goodwin was back on TV this week, and even after two weeks for things to sink in, he'd still admit to being Jack The Ripper before conceding this team may be on the way down. I hope he's right, but it comes across a bit like somebody trying to desperately convince themselves or maintain a public aura of positivity to protect future coaching/motivational speaking opportunities.

The only thing of public interest from of the great softball interviews was talk about a lack of "alignment" with the administration, including not-so-subtle references to how much better it was under Peter Jackson. We'd all rather work with the world's shiniest bald head, but unless CEO/President/Board threatened to release poison gas unless he followed their instructions (maybe that's why he was always on the bench?), I'm not accepting that the mysterious alignment issues are that important.

A disconnect between coach and administration might be what ultimately finished him off, but for two seasons post-flag we were one good, fit forward away from further glory. The issue was never fixed before the midfield and defence that had kept us afloat for so long started to drop off, and we've been in uncontrollable drift since mid-2024. 

To be fair he wasn't saying the alleged lack of alignment was the main reason for our recent failures, but until he admits to getting something wrong I feel like he's either deliberately not telling the truth or is delusional. It looks like Goodwin will be doing some sort of assisting/consulting at GWS from next year, and we wish him well but can somebody involved in our rise and fall eventually give an honest, spin-free evaluation of what happened? If you're considering writing a tell-all MFC expose and are trawling this page for source material, please include some on-field content alongside the sordid tales of drug and windscreen wiper abuse.

Based on the way we played here, you'd never know we had a new coach. Chaplin could do all the "I don't know why this is happening?" facial expressions he liked, we all know the power of Goodwin was compelling him to keep calm and carry on. In his defence there's only so much you can do when handed a lightly smouldering bag of turd for the last three weeks of the season, but would we have missed out on anything if Hawthorn had accepted a 36 point win in return for calling the game off?

Traditionally you'd rush May back into the side as soon as possible, but after an average season by his standards (and with potential *ahem* legal issues hanging over him) I wonder if they'd have told him to take the last two weeks off and relax (preferably at home rather than a licensed venue) if he wasn't on 249 games? I'm sure he was frothing at the mouth to play after being suspended for failure to mind-read, but this the Melbourne Football Club, we're not running some sort of commo worker's collective. Note, I did float this theory last week before following the party line and suggesting picking him anyway.

Halfway through the first quarter as he was being flayed alive by Gunston, perhaps May wished he had stayed at home. Or waited for the milestone game until next week, in front of Collingwood fans who wouldn't let the fact that they've recently won a flag and might soon win another get in the way of whinging about an off-hand comment made two years earlier. I'm not entirely holding it against him when the ball was coming down there at warp speed, but for recent milestone disappointments it was even more like being kicked in the dick at your own birthday party than Fritsch's 150th.

The tone of the day was set when Hawthorn's first goal came after the player admitted it was touched. the goal umpire didn't care, nobody asked for a video replay and the "we review everything" people couldn't find fault. No point being outraged, Bowey got away with the same thing in Round 1. If they'd taken his word for it, the course of history may have changed and we'd be looking forward to a finals campaign now. Unlikely.

Unlike that game, the team that unsuccessfully tried self-reporting gratefully accepted their stroke of good luck and went on with it. For a few minutes it looked like they'd be going on with it in style, with a forward line featuring more open space than the Arctic Circle. Meanwhile, our first forward 50 went straight into the hands of a defender without challenge. This kicked off a day where we had seven more inside 50s, but 11 fewer shots. And three of those came right at the end when all the heat was off.

So, basically what they did is take a forward line that has struggled all season, removed Melksham, played Pickett on the ball practically all day, and expected god knows what to do happen. I'm ok with Melk not playing four quarters because (I hope) we're trying to keep him intact for next year, but what's the point of picking him at all if he's not down there from first half-baked attacking attempt to last? Dare I say [insert list of names here] could've done with an inaugural/continuing crack at senior level instead? No wonder we were going at around one goal per quarter for most of the game.

And if you weren't going to have Melksham or A.N Other, was this not the time to restore Pickett to his best position? Instead, while the forward line had a blood pressure of 0/0 he was trailing the ball around trying to get a kick and I hated it. First question in the new coach interviews is how you'd best use him, and if the answer is not "at many centre bounces, then predominantly inside forward 50" immediately cease the process and walk them to the door. Don't burn him just because you've stuffed up the rest of our midfield.

There was no such trouble at Hawthorn's end, where Gunston was enjoying silver platter service that made May look like a schlub instead of the best defender we've had since colour television. Told you we should've played him as a forward just for fun, but good luck any defender stopping pressure-free bullet passes slammed directly into his opponent's guts.

Just as I was looking for a screenshot of the "On my way" ad to mock our shit start, Petty lightly put the brakes on with a very nice set shot. It's ok to be grateful for what he does as a forward and still not want him to play there. He should still be a defender, as early as about 15 seconds later when Gunston beat May on a lead again. He missed, but my screenshot was not wasted...

Hi Melbourne, when will you be turning up? #adchat pic.twitter.com/64qN8iLs8j

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) August 16, 2025

... and apologies to my family who eventually got the shits from me going around the house singing that song all afternoon. Technically she could be supporting the Newcastle Knights, Crystal Palace, or the Adelaide Rams, but I choose to take her as a 'mons fan and declare it the greatest footy-related ad of all time.

The answer was "we'll be there at the 28 minute mark of the last quarter", because Gunston was up to four shots midway through the quarter. It's almost like half our team is made up of players who have played the season without any decent selection pressure and have finally lost interest. With his fifth shot Gunston missed the lost, then tried something else by setting up a teammate instead. This was followed by a few minutes where we calmed things down and looked better but had no chance of scoring freely at the best of times, let alone when it started to piss down raining.

A 27 point quarter time deficit felt generous, but after prematurely writing us off against the Bulldogs I was so sure there wouldn't be a another comeback that I'd have upped the ante and offered to drink rusty tap water from Glenferrie Oval if we got the margin within single figures again.

If this game started with any sort of ratings they'd have tumbled through the floor in a second quarter where only three goals were kicked. Around this time, Jordan Lewis made the absurd claim that Petracca could be a 50-60 goal a year forward. He might be trying to make up for being a massive wanker to Trac earlier in the season, but he should've had his swipe card to the Fox Footy studios deactivated after this. Maybe he just didn't get to say "if he has 130 shots in the season". Like the one soon after that banged into the post for our second score.

I wouldn't mind turning the game into a tedious slog if that's what we were trying to do, but the only reason they didn't score more in the second quarter was all the time wasted by our miserable attempts at converting chances. Opposition fans were getting a bit restless at the proposed massacre not happening and Bronx cheered a free kick while 34-7 in front. They still got another goal shortly after, and as the result was obvious by now I was more interested in record low scores. The mark to beat was 3.11.29 from 1966. Most weeks I'd say I could see us getting the .11, but 3. would be the problem. 

This time there was doubt about getting in double figures for scoring shots full stop, much less beating Gunston's total. Langford nearly pulled off a miracle snap, and that looked like the only way we'd get one. Unlike the opposition, who took the ball straight to the other end and only missed because of a casual, Pickett in Alice Springs like snap that didn't make the difference. Around this time, McDonald began to skirt the edges of dissent laws by berating umpires after free kicks. He was later subbed out for what the AFL website called 'injury' and we called 'tactical'. Possibly a dislocated jaw from excess yelling.

The margin got out to 40 points before we finally got to take advantage of a turnover for our second goal. Petracca gave up one of his 50 goals a year by dishing off to Oliver, in what may have been a "here's one more before I leg it" farewell to a great partnership. We've set the timeline of appointing a new coach by the end of September, so there's a couple of weeks to work out whether Mr. X wants him to play forward, and whether he wants to do it, before slamming the trade request down at such force that it shatters the table underneath.

Normally there'd be nothing unusual about kicking two goals in a row, but it felt like a great achievement here. Even if it took until the other side of half time, and only came after the umpire declined to call a ball-up even after the pack of players had all but given up trying to extract it. This temporarily put us ahead of Gunston, just before he kicked his fourth.

The game was so safe that Hawthorn made their sub five minutes into the third quarter, and much to the disappointment of children and childlike creatures in novelty hats, the fake Wizard went off. I thought Melksham had given up and gone home, but the closest thing we've got to official records suggests he was swapped with McDonald at half time. I know it wasn't great conditions for tall players, but if he wasn't injured it was a odd time to give him the hook. Firstly, they had one forward kicking goals at will, secondly as things stand he hasn't got a contract next year so may be approaching his last game for us. Unless McSizzle made a half time announcement that he was about to put an umpire in the figure four leglock I'd have left him on out of respect for a premiership player and long-term survivor. 

He could've played in our otherwise shizen forward line. Funnily enough (in a not at all humorous way), I thought Petty and van Rooyen both had relatively decent games. It's just that the system doesn't work, the delivery is shit, and there's no dominant figure down there to keep it all together. They're having a go, but our forward structure has been flat out negligent for two years and nobody currently on the list can fix it.

Did anything really interesting happen between this point and the last couple of minutes? I just remember the ball going from one end to the other, usually not for a score at ours. We had a lot of the ball in this quarter, there was just nothing useful to do with it. We were still two points short of the record low, and if we repeated our last quarter against the Hawks from earlier in the year there were no guarantees of making the minimum score. With percentage potentially important at the end of the year (not for us), I was a bit worried that the 43 point lead was going to blow out but a distinct lack of interest from both sides allowed us to keep things respectable.

Gunston got to seven midway through the term, with plenty of time for push for the first double figure result against us since Tony Modra in 1999 (which is amazing when you consider how many big scores we've conceded in this time) but he was content with an equal career best, and three late goals made this look a lot better on paper than we deserved. The last one probably fell to Pickett when he was out of bounds but the umpires took pity on us, and after unnecessarily arguing the angles for a bit after the siren had already gone he casually lobbed it around the corner and the final score wasn't even in our bottom 10 since 1980. Somebody book the open top bus and let's have a street party.

Usually I wouldn't keep watching for the opposition celebrations, much less once they've gone into the rooms, but I was full of apathy and got to see the biggest WGAF atmosphere since Geelong players pretended to fall asleep on each other. They sang the song with about 5% gusto, while some held babies that were clearly not enjoying the experience. By the time the camera came back around the circle most of the babies had disappeared, presumably snatched back by mothers who didn't want to put up with traumatised, screaming children for the rest of the night while the dads were having meetings, ice baths, and whatever other manly bullshit goes on in AFL locker rooms.

At least their brand of manly bullshit involved celebrating a win, while ours was just players softly crying and checking their contracts for out clauses.

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
--- The distance from here to the end of the known universe ---
4 - Christian Salem
3 - Harrison Petty
2 - Christian Petracca
1 - Jacob van Rooyen

Apologies to Bowey, Sparrow, and Viney. None deserved a vote but neither did anyone except Gawn.

Leaderboard
Congratulations to Pickett for locking away the silver medal, leaving a Melk vs Petracca vs Bowey battle for bronze. Bowey remains narrowly ahead of the Seecamp, but is in danger of Turner or McDonald getting votes for trying to hold back the tide next week. I don't think Lindsay is coming back, so Langford could confirm the Rising Star as soon as teams are named. 

63 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year and Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
34 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Jake Melksham
22 - Christian Petracca
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
18 - Daniel Turner
17 - Jack Viney
16 - Tom McDonald, Clayton Oliver
13 - Steven May
12 - Christian Salem
11 - Kade Chandler, Bayley Fritsch, Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
9 - Ed Langdon
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Harrison Petty, Trent Rivers
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Judd McVee
2 - Jake Lever
1 - Jai Culley, Harry Sharp, Jacob van Rooyen

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The Pickett one because it was so casual, and he's already winning the overall award so what difference does it make?

Next Week
Last year the Pies needed to beat us by about 20 goals for a chance at finals, this time they have so much buffer that I couldn't knock them out of finals with our chosen ladder predictor without losing 27-239. And that's only if Fremantle beat Footscray by a point. So all we're realistically left with is a chance to reinvigorate the Spitebury Plan by jumping to 12th on the ladder, and messing with Collingwood's top four chances. This would be a hollow victory, but a funny one. Unfortunately, percentage calculations mean they've got some motivation to unload on us so we'd better arrive willing to play or ready to chip it left and right all night to waste time.

I've got to publish this before the Casey game, because if they do somehow avoid the Wildcard Wankfest it's all irrelevant [UPDATE - And they did! But I'm not updating this so please enjoy alternative history]. But assuming they are playing next week, it would be perverse to snatch players away for a knockout game after all we've done for them until now. It's happened before, but not since the relationship went from 'affiliation' to 'annexation'. Don't say I've never said anything nice about our second banana team (and their participation in a competition so half-arsed that Sunday's team lineups had Billings at full back and Spargo in the ruck) because I'll even give them Culley back so he can try and win something with a Melbourne-affiliated organisation.

I'm no expert of VFL finals qualifications and won't be studying the subject, but Spargo is the only player from this week's side who clearly won't be allowed to play, so in a reversal of everything we know about selection, inability to play in a Reserves final will get him a game in the sport's elite competition. Otherwise, Sharp has to be sub just to break a pointless record than I'm invested in because I can't afford therapy, and Melksham probably shouldn't be risked given his previous history in final round games, but I've run out of people to include. Lindsay was out with a one week hamstring but what's the point in forcing him back at gunpoint now?

We'll lose, hopefully not by much. Can we have a brief outburst of cheap thrills to keep things interesting?

IN: Spargo, Melksham (from sub)
OUT: Sharp (to sub), Culley (omit)
LUCKY: Plenty
UNLUCKY: Plenty

Final thoughts
I'd be hypocritical to say 'keep the faith, it's almost over', but it is almost over.

New beginning, same ending

Suffice to say that when writing last week's post, I didn't factor in the coach getting sacked after an 83 point win. This is the latest in a long line of humiliations for West Coast, who are so bad that even belting them wasn't enough to make our board pause and reconsider paying out a million dollar contract. Eagles management would be mad not to mention this in their priority pick application, even if they did inexplicably recover to nearly beat Adelaide.

The timing of Goodwin's ousting was strange, but it was the best outcome for everyone. We needed to reboot, and whether he agrees right now it's the best thing for his legacy. He thought we were on the verge of being good again, I thought he was about to imitate a Dial Before You Dig ad and cut through high voltage cables. Now he can either claim the groundwork for improvement, or say "Well, I was in the process of fixing it before you sacked me..." if we burn out.

My thoughts, and words of appreciation, to the former coach can be found in this post, but the TL:DR version is "you don't have to like what happened after 2021, but if you can't appreciate his key role in that great moment you need electric shock therapy". I can understand why he didn't want to coach the rest of the season, but one more week just to finish against the Bulldogs would've been an appropriate ending/opportunity to remind the opposition several hundred times how badly they botched that Grand Final.

Once it was clear that he was exiting ASAP, I had sick fantasies that my 15+ year campaign to get Choke Yourself With A Tie as coach might pay off with three token games at the end of the season. Alas, as our crack team of football analysts noted as early as Round 5, Troy Chaplin was clearly the designated survivor so it was no surprise when he was handed the keys for the last three games. Unlike most coach sackings, he wasn't taking possession of a rotten corpse where anything looked like an improvement. In the last fortnight we'd been about 110 points combined in front at three quarter time, so it was hardly a Dean Bailey/Mark Neeld to Todd Viney/Neil Craig type transition. 

Regardless of that, I still expected a belting here. Instead we got a round of "it's the hope that kills you", and some proof of life from our team at the end of a long, tedious season/unexpectedly exciting week. There's plenty to be said for getting so close, and in light of the emotional turmoil since Tuesday, my first instinct was "well done for having a crack". Then I remembered we were in reasonable form on the way in, so it was more a case of "well done for not going to pieces post-assassination". That puts them above the class of 2011, who were on track to save their beloved coach's job before having an on-field nervous breakdown.

Once you take away the coaching shenanigans, this was a rerun of King's Birthday in front of half the crowd. A much better side came in with us comfortably covered on paper, and had better players during the game then nearly stuffed up by failing to securely bolt the door. Then, after hanging around like an unflushable nugget into the third quarter, a few minutes of random champagne football offered a path to victory, before lack of killer instinct/finishing power ultimately cost us. So you can't be upset about it short-term, even if like me you're extremely suspect about the future. 

Some people - including ex-coaches - are convinced we're not that far away from being good again, but I'd point to the various contributions of Gawn, McDonald, and Melksham, and ask what we're going to do when they're gone. Maybe we get lucky/shrewd with the players arriving at the other end of their career, or pull off a club-changing recruiting coup, but to quote one review of a fine book "the default position is pessimism". Nobody would happier to be wrong on this subject than me, and I did say at half time that I'd eat the sweaty headbands of everyone involved in this game if we got within 10 points so it wouldn't be my first failed prediction.

Not surprisingly, I choose to interpret this result with raging confirmation bias. We nearly caused the Dogs a hilarious downhill skiing mishap, and were briefly in a position to win in piss funny fashion, but nobody can seriously claim we were the better side for more than a few minutes. I'd have gladly taken a great smash 'n grab victory, but for the god-knows-how-manyth time this year we weren't good enough for long enough. The result was better than flavour of the month forwards kicking 17 goals between them, and meaningless for anything in the future other than where our second round draft pick lands, but still close enough to give you the shits as another missed opportunity to get wins on the board and convince potential gap-plugging recruits that there's some life in the place yet.

Even after nine years as an assistant coach I know as much about Troy Chaplin's coaching philosophies as I do Helen of Troy's, but it was safe to assume that after all that time in the Goodwin camp he was going to hold steady and not deploy some sort of left-field radical style never previously seen in the AFL. A few alterations here and there, but no attempt to cynically win by any means necessary via slowing the game to a crawl and trying to keep the ball away from their forwards even if it ended in a final score of 30-25. No doubt there were a few mostly tweaks that were invisible to the untrained eye, but otherwise this was almost the same team as last week, playing the same way as last week, and nearly getting away with it against a team many times better.

I thought they might be a bit more adventurous in selection, but after a five month hiatus since blowing our debutante load sky high in Round 1, we gave another first gamer his chance. Instead of playing Jed Adams for the first time against a West Coast forward line that was barely consuming air, he was welcomed with an assignment on Aaron Naughton, currently in career best goalkicking form. And why not? Just because you've finally been rescued from dog turd smeared VFL grounds after nearly years, there's no hiding from the realities of senior football.

The first Jed ever to play for Melbourne (and hopefully an endless source of Jed Maxwell references) didn't have to wait long to get in the action. At the first bounce, Gawn suffered a rare case of his height working against him, when he tried to bring ball to boot in a way that resembled what players used to do before they were allowed to play on after a behind. Except he missed, and soon the ball was flying inside 50, and because I'm a coward at heart I thought "oh god, here we go". Pleasingly, he did well in this first contest. And if things don't work out, hopefully while handing over the #26 jumper in the rooms Sam Weideman slipped him a business card in case Jed wants to join the class action of all the players we've Melbourned.

We got away with this one, but it didn't look like the pace of the game would suit us when the opening minutes were being played like a game of high velocity pinball. We were already without our two main defenders, letting the ball fling in there before the remainder had a chance to set up seemed risky. This wasn't played like the 1989 Grand Final for long, but credit to McDonald and Turner for the way they held up in defence all day. 

We couldn't help but concede a decent score in the end, but not for want of effort from them. I'd bought right into the Sam Darcy as Godzilla hype, but McDonald did a tremendous job on him. I'll reluctantly accept if we don't have a spot for the Sizzle after this year (and we'll never find out if my theories about him acting as van Rooyen's bodyguard had any legs), but the three seriously rebuilding teams are off their nut if they don't think he could fill an important gap - especially because there's one at each club (McQualter, Yze, Viney) that has previously worked with him. If North recruit Jack Darling when the only thing they had going for them was key forwards, and can't see McDonald helping to prop up their faulty backline until somebody else comes along then they deserve to stay at the bottom for several more years. This has been a message from the People For Sizzle campaign, c/o Demonblog Towers.   

The main victim of the bonkers early pace was Windsor, who hopefully took a card from the Weid because we've done him no favours this year. I was right into his turbo, bouncing runs through the middle but the two early turnovers needed an 'unsafe at any speed' warning stamped on the side. I'd say we've got to stick with him for the rest of the year no matter what, but then he burst a hammy in the final minutes and hopefully when he returns for 2026 it's in a role tailored to his obvious natural talents. Start with what he was doing well in the first half of last year, in a much better side.

I like that we gave Adams the responsibility of our first kick-in, and even more that he just hoofed it directly up the middle of the ground to Gawn. You can't do that every time, but more than once every 10 weeks could have some benefit. The Dogs were so surprised that it ended up turning into a shot for van Rooyen, and as he shanked it they should've cut to Weideman in the crowd sadly shaking his head and writing notes.

At this stage I'd have scoffed at the final margin, and thought that we were setting ourselves up for more disaster than usual by not taking chances. This became especially clear when our next attempt at a fast break forward entry died when Melksham kicked to three defenders, and eventually we gave them the first goal with a turnover at such extreme pace that the player who got it had to waste time in the middle of the ground waiting for any of his teammates to get in front of him. I'm almost certain in the same situation we'd still have found a way to kick it straight to the other side, but they worked through it successfully and were seemingly off to the races. 

The only thing holding up full race status were our defenders, but after doing so well until then (and after) Turner flubbed a switch to gift them a second and it was starting to go much as I'd expected. It was like a high-paced shootout where only one team was equipped for the all-important element of scoring goals, but just as I was thinking about how much it would suck to coach a team for the first time only for them to finish on 0.7.7, up came Melksham with a relative screamer at the top of the square for our opener. 

I'd be a lot more positive about the future if we weren't relying on near 34 year old players to do this. We've got Pickett, and will for a long time, but I'd like to refloat the unpopular opinion (without any hard evidence to back it up), that he's being used in the midfield too much now. He's still a chance of appearing like a holy vision in the forward line - and had two missed shots in the first quarter to prove it - but I don't fancy anyone would without him inside 50 scaring the shit out of defenders whenever ball meets grass our forward line seems even less threatening than usual.

Maybe I'm extra sensitive because he's been fined 3x for striking this year and I think you get buried alive for a fourth, but there was also a hint of Pickett getting frustrated and thinking about belting somebody late in the quarter. That's the last thing we need at this time of the year. I'm not saying history dramatically alters if he played the first three rounds this season, but it could only help. Please note - requests for him to play forward do not include clobbering Darcy Moore in the head during Round 24 again. If he's getting frisky send him on a pre-emptive holiday if required because we can't afford to be without at the start of next year.

After going about our business like out of control fanatics in the early stages, the second goal came via patient build-up before van Rooyen got to pull off the rarest move in the MFC forward book - a storming lead to a perfectly weighted pass that didn't bounce away as if his chest was made of trampoline. Gerard Healy celebrated this by calling him Petty, which was unfortunate but not as bad as what he called Gold Coast that time.

The threat of conceding 30 goals had subsided thanks to the backline dealing well with bulk inside 50s. So they switched to the alternative method of a defender bombing one on the run from outside 50 through an empty square. I miss having multiple routes to goal. We got one from an extremely unusual source late in the game, but it's a rarity. Bowey, Langdon, Oliver, Salem and Viney only have 18 between them - and while none are expected to single-handedly carry us over the line with Gary Ablett Sr-like feats of goalkicking athleticism, some variation and mystery about where the scores might come from would be nice.

This is where Jai Culley came in, overcoming the handicap of me repeatedly typing his name as 'Jail', to give me the goal out of nowhere that I was so desperate for. Culleymania wasn't operating at the same power as last week, but given the vast increase in opposition quality he looked comfortable enough. Also had the most tackles in our side, which probably means nothing to professional coaches but makes me feel warm and fuzzy. He's definitely done enough to get a contract next year, and we'll wait until then to see if he goes on with it or joins the Bens Kennedy/Newton path of an encouraging first year before disappearing off the face of the earth.

We were only two points behind at quarter time, but I was incorrectly convinced that the dam walls would give in at any time. The defenders were doing a bang up job but the weight of attack had to blow us down eventually. Well, as it turns out no. This despite players squinting into sun at the Punt Road end in a way that made you (well, me anyway) wish to play under a closed roof again.

Wherever Simon Goodwin was (and in the press conference Goodwin he said he'd be watching "on the phone" which was an oddly specific thing to say. Does he not have a TV?) he'd have been pleased at the strong defensive effort. And the fitting tribute from the MCG when they reportedly played good old Freed From Desire at quarter time. Somewhere there's a massive loser who's still upset about our players singing this post-Grand Final, but given that Footscray recruited James Harmes after he piffed ice at them in a nightclub hours later I don't think the feud has reached Israel vs Palestine levels. 

Until social media LIT UP with mentions of this song (e.g. two) I hadn't thought about it since we were good, and it made realise that I'd never actually knowingly heard to it except when sung by plastered footy players. I thought this was an appropriate time to listen to the studio version, and what a piece of shit it is. I'm open to the genre, but may that tune be buried under tons of concrete Chernobyl style unless used in connection with premiership glory. I assume somebody has already done "freed from Nasiah", but it'll be topical again when he sprints away from St. Kilda two days after the season ends.

This was not an occasion for wasting opportunities. Like when we responded to a goal by Fritsch missing a gettable snap. He was very good again, and after a frankly shit first half of the season I'll be very happy to have him back in original condition next year. He did crop up for a steadier after we'd survived three shots (including a rundown tackle on Salem as he was going for a casual jog out of defence), and offered immediate feedback to some uncouth Dogs fans over the fence who obviously missed him running riot in a Grand Final.

To prove that everything was going to come easier for the Dogs, we had the ball in front of our goal for what would've been a go-ahead goal, only for one of theirs to nearly miss his boot trying to snap but still having the ball come back for another chance. They nearly got another when Rivers was penalised for Bont running into him. Lucky it didn't end in a concussion or Rivers would be missing Round 1 next year for not having the borderline mystical powers to know an opponent was going to launch headfirst into him.

There was another wasted opportunity when Melksham was stitched up by a dud kick when on his own inside 50 and responded by saying something which definitely ended in "king hell". Still, even if I still didn't have any faith in us keeping the margin sanitary by the end (YES, I KNOW I WAS WRONG, THERE IS NO NEED TO POINT IT OUT), a 10 point deficit at the break was appreciated. Especially when barely anyone outside of our defensive 50 was having a really good game. Rivers was good, and Gawn darted around trying to save the day as usual, but otherwise weren't much above 'manful battling' level. 

My suspicions of a sudden landslide breaking out weren't helped by conceding an easy clearance to start the third quarter, leaving Adams unsuccessfully trying to quell Naughton. I have no issues with his performance as a first gamer thrown into this high risk scenario, so it'll be interesting to see how he goes in the future. One on hand, I'm starting to think everything's pointing towards us being stuck with Petty as a forward but he was pretty good here so I remain very much option to the idea of finding a commanding tall forward who can go alongside JVR and let Petty roam around half-forward.

Speaking of light positional switching, I get the logic being playing Petracca forward more to give other players a crack at the centre bounce but can we have more McVee (unless he's leaving, then he can get on the cans over the next fortnight for all I care) and Rivers instead of Windsor? Maybe they'll give one a crack in each of the next three rounds, but this time Windsor was there for 65% of centre bounces, and the other two a combined 0%. Compare to last year's throwaway game against the Suns where McVee had 60% - and the full season where he's gone from 1.7 per game to 0.1. Rivers has done a bit better but is still well down from last year. I know we're accounting for extra Pickett + Langford etc... etc... but it's not very adventurous considering the usual midfielders have been on and off like a tap this season. As usual, insight from anybody who actually knows what they're talking about would be welcome.

I'm very much for Windsor but cripes he had a rocky time here, including dashing through the middle of the ground, slipping over and giving the ball away. He wasn't the only player to treat the surface like they were starring in Disney On Ice, but it wasn't pretty. Here's to the MCG surface wrecking the September experience as much as my dream Grand Final between Gold Coast and GWS.

We were just holding on when things suddenly got interesting. Chandler goalled, and after we nearly gave it back via a ruckman standing still, waiting to be run into, then claiming a block, Fritsch got another after a kick along the ground clean bowled a defender. As late-Clarko Hawthorn found out to our detriment one night, you can't give away intercept marks if you don't kick it in the air. Another example of why a human Hoovering machine like Pickett should be down there more often than not.

By now the Bulldogs were getting a bit nervy, but after we missed a couple of chances to bring the lead back under a goal they sliced us through the middle of the ground ginsu knife style for a steadier. When Pickett got one back I still doubted our chances, but Luke Beveridge was clearly fuming so it was worth it just to annoy him. We were also doing our bit for the future of footy by trying to put enough of a gap between 8th and 9th that this year can't be used as justification for a wildcard game.

In a game where the umpires couldn't bounce to save themselves but were also too self-conscious to call all but the worst back, a ball propulsion error in our favour led to Melksham grabbing the lead. Cripes. This lasted about one minute before Darcy was given a wildcard entry to the game with one of the best kicks to a lead you'll ever see.

Much to the disappointment of an internally boiling 'Bevo' we wouldn't go away as expected. If we'd won any journo who strayed from the usual softball press conference questions may have been subject to a microphone cord strangling. Especially when they let us kick two late third quarter goals in the traditional fashion. First there was Gawn and his new around the corner technique that's currently working at 100% (matter for pointless debate - if he had to take that kick in Geelong again today would he do it this way?), then Petracca hoofed into an open goal with the biggest smile (piss off Colgate) since his mum swore on national television after the Sydney game and we were 10 points up. It was our best quarter for scores generated from the defensive half since 2022, and if we can't find commanding key forwards I'm open to piling down there at full speed before the other side has a chance to get ready. The only problem is that eventually the moment you get the ball in defence everyone will know exactly what's going to happen and from a human barrier in front of the ball, so we'll need to step outside the comfort zone and introduce some variety.

Just to make sure the six points couldn't be given back in near-record time Barry Umpire wasted a few seconds by finally doing a bounce so off-centre that he had to admit defeat instead of making the ruckman chase it. I have no love for the bounce, so whoever the Grand Final is between may there be a late goal that brings the margin under a goal, followed by a bounce so embarrassingly diagonal or worse that the concept is immediately retired.

Better than the alternative, as they say, but I was still operating in full Grinch mode and expecting it turn out go like the Hawthorn game, where we put up a brave fight, temporarily looked capable of nicking it, then dropped dead as if shot. It didn't turn out that way, and I'm happy about that but obviously Troy Chaplin got the full horn for the chance of an upset on debut and chucked all the old guard back into the middle at the first bounce. Lucky they don't put the scores of other games on the screen these days or McVee would've glanced up to see West Coast not being totally putrid and thought "I'll be off then". 

The commentator greeted their first goal as if it was the moon landing, shouting "It's only the second goal in his life!" as some fringe Footscrayite converted. Later, their boundary rider had to force her way into the conversation to point out that the Dogs had made their sub, and five minutes later it was brought up in the box/Fox Footy studio as an exclusive that they'd just discovered on their own. I can't watch Channel 7 anymore because that clown kicking a footy through his window brings on the red mist, but this call was a bit rough.

We were lucky not to concede another just after that when Naughton took what morally should not be paid a mark but usually is. He'd have his revenge later, and they didn't take long to add the second anyway. Blake Howes had his moment later, but for now his first job was to stand on the mark while Ed Richards kicked the ball over the umpire's hat from an obscure angle. Petty responded, but it looked over again when they kicked two in a row just after Pickett killed one of their players with a knee to the internal organs in a marking contest. How long until you get suspended for that?

There was one last roll of the comedy dice when a panicked tumble kick out of defence landed with unlikely goalkicking candidate Howes, who broke his duck after 26 games, passing the most games without a goal baton all the way down to the two and out Tom Fullarton (!). As far as Bulldogs fans go, he was about as obscure a figure as the guy who'd only kicked two in his life but the difference was we didn't particularly care about losing, but they be left to play out two likely pointless weeks after losing the joy of life.

Alas the final bit of ebb and flow went against us, and they kicked two goals to take a seemingly unassailable lead into the last minute. Enter surprise forward Turner, who took advantage of a fantastic desperate effort from Petty to score from close range. According to that cockhead from the Tribunal who thinks players should make complex calculations in 0.5 seconds or less, we should be upset that he kicked it goal and made the margin six points because we'd have had more chance if he'd rushed a point, then the Bulldogs blew the kick-in and allowed us to win by a point. Those of us who live in the real world appreciate the effort, and understand that the real missed opportunity for gratuitously rushing a point was while six points up against the Saints.

This left 55 seconds to do something interesting. We went -6, +/-0, +1 in a similar time during the Marty Hore Miracle, but that involved tying the score first then just needing to score anything to win. Based on past experience there was a chance the Dogs might stand back and let us walk a couple of goals out of the middle in the last minute, but realistically we weren't doing any better than a draw. Good thing I didn't realise this would've been almost as fatal to their finals chances as a loss or I'd have emotionally invested more in pulling off the upset.

Strangely, Pickett was nowhere to be found at this bounce. I assume he was forward of the ball waiting to snap a last minute miracle goal from the boundary line if it ever got down there. Which it didn't. Maybe we'd already had a 6-6-6 warning earlier in the game, and everyone was shitscared about doing ad hoc positional changes in case we gave away another horror last minute free.

The only hope we had of half-nicking this was when the ball was booted practically straight up in the air out of the middle. I can't remember if it went remotely near 15 metres off the boot (and won't be watching a replay to find out), but given that my #1 Eddie McGuide style radical rule change is for intercept marks to count no matter how far they've travelled it would be hypocritical to complain. Enter Golden Child Darcy, who made up for doing nothing all day with a game-saving mark running against the flight of the ball. 

If this happened in Round 22, 1982 he'd still be on a ventilator (and more importantly we wouldn't be playing two more games) but it's reasonable progress that players can now take their eyes off the ball without risking pulverisation. Like the time Young Bont kicked a goal out of his arse to beat us, you had to appreciate being beaten by something special. You may have also chosen to curse the fact that Jack Viney is our only star father/son since Barassi, while Darcy has a brother who may turn out to be just as good.

We're owed a comedy finish in our favour, but the Bulldogs didn't come to the party by nervously turning the ball over to a player steaming through the middle of the ground. Their season continues, and while we're finishing at a little bit higher speed than 'limping'. This wasn't nearly as bad as expected, and while I've got renewed hope that the next two weeks won't be as ugly as expected I'll still be happy when it's over.

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom McDonald
4 - Trent Rivers
3 - Max Gawn
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Daniel Turner

Apologies to Bowey, Fritsch, Langford, and Salem + Oliver and Petracca for their cameos.

Leaderboard
All the remaining action is in the defender ranks, where McSizzle has stormed into contention alongside Bowey and Turner. Who'd have thought that a three-man race for this award wouldn't involve May or Lever. Otherwise, Langford would be extraordinarily unlucky to lose the Rising Star from here, and Pickett has confirmed at worst a share of silver in the main event.

58 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year and Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
34 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Jake Melksham
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Christian Petracca
18 - Daniel Turner
17 - Jack Viney
16 - Tom McDonald, Clayton Oliver
13 - Steven May
11 - Kade Chandler, Bayley Fritsch, Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
9 - Ed Langdon
8 - Christian Salem
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Trent Rivers
4 - Harrison Petty, Tom Sparrow
3 - Judd McVee
2 - Jake Lever,
1 - Jai Culley, Harry Sharp

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It won't change anything for the overall prize, so Petracca wins because the goal made him look happy again.

Next Week
Now that I'm open to a competitive finish to the season, we'll probably burn like buggery against the Hawks. At least there's some interest in it, other than the chance to play spoiler to the finals plans of better sides. There's a move to pick Kentfield after he kicked four in the VFL, but hands down there's no way they make unforced changes to the forward line after we pulled off a decent score against a finals contender. And at the other end, they'll obviously pick May even if there's an argument for winding him up this year and concentrating on Adams and Howes for the next two weeks.

Casey has a final spot entering the last round, but must beat top of the ladder Box Hill to avoid the dreaded Wildcard Wankfest. It's hard to take a competition called the Victorian Football League seriously when the result of GWS vs Gold Coast may be important to us, but it's odd that Box Hill have four more wins than Casey with only six points more scored and 33 less conceded. Probably something to do with it being a 21 team competition where you only play 18 games.

I'll have May at the expense of Howes, who they obviously didn't know what to do with if he was sub on Sunday. Next week he can come back for Adams, who would be the victim of a big pisstake if he didn't get to play VFL finals after spending almost three full years playing for Casey. Laurie couldn't even get the nod for an extended side this week, but I'm holding out some hope that they'll give him the respect of one full game in the seniors at some point this year - and again better now than in a week when he could be playing finals with the team he's spent more time with this year. And let's have Sharp as sub one more time just so he breaks the record for most in a season.

IN: Laurie, May, Sharp (sub)
OUT: Howes, Sparrow (omit), Windsor (inj)
LUCKY: Adams
UNLUCKY: Billings, Howes, Johnson, Spargo, Kentfield

Coaching Corner
I'm not going to set myself on fire outside the Demon Shop if Nathan Buckley gets the job, but he seems to have acquired favourite status by a) being the only person to say he's interested, and b) the other obvious experienced coaches not being interested. Hope he realises we won't offer the same level of protection he got at the Pies, where Eddie McGuire would've taken a bullet for him but sacked any outsider after 2017. It's unlikely to matter, I think he's so desperate to coach again that if the Brisbane Bears came back from the dead he'd give them another token season before bolting for a better job. Hopefully if more sensible judges than me determine rebuilding of any variety is required that he's up for it instead of trying to stay afloat with what he's got for a couple of years before the bottom falls out of the place. 

If I had a realistic (e.g. non-Yze) alternative to promote I'd invest more in arguing about this, but if we're mad for an experienced coach who's had any type of success, who else is there? Hinkley should go and be Michael Voss' kindly uncle at Carlton, Hird is an extreme version of the Buckley redemption story without ever going close to winning anything, and neither Don Pyke or Leon Cameron are in the market even if we were interested. So whoever it is, I'll salute the uniform and hope for the best.

W Watch
You'd have to be an enthusiast to know, but AFLW starts next week. The league slaughtered building up the men's season this year so I wouldn't trust them to promote The Second Coming, but there's not a lot of options available when half the season is played in competition with the final exciting (?) weeks of the home and away season and finals.

I'm into it (our games anyway, my free time for non-MFC footy is now about five minutes per year), but am baffled by how many experts and industry professionals think there's not enough crossover with the men. Anybody who suggests double headers instantly loses credibility with me, so thanks to the dickheads who scheduled our opening W game at 7.35pm at a different ground to where the men will be playing until roughly 7pm. Bad enough for those of us who want to give adequate respect to watching both games, shithouse for anyone who might want to attend both.

Speaking of enthusiasts, you'd have to be one to have read all the way down here, so consider this your open invitation to step in for a guest report. Even if we've done our best to minimise the crossover period by missing finals, there's every chance I'll be burnt to a crisp by the event of AFLW season and be posting in a cryptic code resembling transmissions from the Zodiac Killer so email, tweet, Facebook message, or fax me if you feel the holy spirit flowing through you at any time and want to have a crack.

Final thoughts
Get through the last two weeks, pull down the shutters on a genuinely odd campaign and let's get on with either trying to stop players going out the door and/or vigorously pushing them towards it while solemnly praying that 2026 brings us a Wade Derksen-led recovery.