High percentage option

Welcome to our 10th year of AFLW coverage, which has got to be some kind of record. If only for the lowest average of actual insights per words used. Like the competition itself, these reviews may be wonky at times, but everything's done in the best possible taste. Mind you, even if you're into this sort of thing you can sometimes treat it like an afterthought. Cut to Mick Stinear staring blankly into the distance whenever somebody (including me) referred to Simon Goodwin as "our only living premiership coach". He's certainly the only coach I've seen deliver a premiership live, so he instantly qualifies as a TOP BLOKE.

After all this time, AFLW viewing should be at "no dickheads policy" status, where people are free not to like it but don't need to barge into every conversation to tell you why. Then this report mentioned how much it costs to stage the competition, provoking scoff laughs with an air of undeserved superiority from men who need their hard drives investigated.

The league isn't immune from criticism or opportunities for improvement, but when asked for their ideas I can't believe multiple industry professionals suggested double headers and even more crossover with the men's season. It's bad enough for the AFLW's public profile starting the year now, how much capacity do they think people have for footy? Or for clubs to run both programs at once. But at least you can see how it might help player development, unlike doubleheaders with AFL games, which are the worst footy idea since Eddie McGuire's bye to the finals for winning a pre-season cup.

For the quality of the game I'd rather see it played at the MCG than Casey Fields, but instead of having 1500 spread out around a suburban ground, you'll have 1500 people at the MCG surrounded by 98,500 empty seats at 11am Sunday morning, with about as many people watching at home because they're either on their way to the later game, or can't dedicate six hours of their weekend to footy. If the AFL does this they're definitely looking for excuses to wind the competition down.

That's bad enough, but doubleheaders remain the worst footy idea since Eddie McGuire's famous bye to the finals for winning a pre-season cup. There's something to be said for more games at AFL venues instead of Casey Fields,  but instead of having 1500 people lightly spread out around suburban grounds, you'll have 1500 people  at the MCG, surrounded by 98,500 empty seats at 11am on a Sunday morning, and the home viewing audience either on their way to the later game, or having to dedicate about six hours of their day to footy.

For the $0.00 it's worth, my untested, unfunded, and likely unwanted suggestions are:

a) add Tasmania and [insert additional team here], then split the league into 2x10 team divisions with promotion and relegation. They've missed the boat on deciding who goes into the bottom league by not doing it when the four new teams got added, but once they sort that out it means more quality games between evenly matched sides and less shit teams getting massacred. Also creates good 80s/90s vibes by reintroducing the McIntyre Final 5. Preferably you'd have one up/one down, but probably have to do two to keep everyone happy.

b) go back to a season over summer - even if largely at night with games spread across the week, land the tail end of the season where the traditional footy grounds are available for finals, then go straight into state competitions at the normal times.

c) play the Victorian game of the week at Princes Park and avoid unsuitable suburban grounds as much as possible

d) review the league specific rules.Would it be better to have 18 players on a full size ground? Does the last touch rule just tip everyone off to where the next kick is going so they can flood back? And is there really a need to keep playing with a reduced size ball?

e) commit to the competition long-term, then relax, let it breathe for a few years, and don't get distracted by people who are just trying to make trouble.

... and if you must have some crossover between the AFL/AFLW seasons, the next worse thing to a double-header is scheduling a men's game at the MCG and a women's game at the Western Oval an hour after that finishes. If you can't find a neutral day for the M and W games of the competing clubs then put them against different teams until it works.

None of this will happen (and there may be very good reasons why not), but I'll keep watching as long as original recipe Melbourne is involved. The same rule applies across the board, if the men merged or relocated I wouldn't feel obliged to give the remotest shit about the competition. As a sooky teenager I was going to follow Freo instead of the Melbourne Hawks, now it would be a good excuse to do something useful with my time.

I'll admit to NFI how the W will fare this year. Last season was the worst of nine, but involved so much injury drama that we had to activate Rent-A-Player, and even without important players like Purcell and Harris for most of the campaign we staged a late revival and almost fell into finals. In an 18 team competition with 12 games, the fixture will be crucial. On paper, ours is fairly generous (e.g. no Adelaide, Hawthorn or North, 75% of the reigning bottom four etc...) but we'll probably miss the eight on percentage because somebody else gets to play a midweek exhibition game against the Orbost Astronauts.

Injuries here and elsewhere will also play a massive part in the results of the season. We're already down 2024 regulars Taylor, Colvin and Gillard for somewhere between half and all the season. Mackin and Hose are inactive for the year, Beasley's knee is still crocked from last September, and god knows who's going to drop now that the main games have started. We got through Round 1 with only one (seemingly minor) injury, but it doesn't bode well that our emergencies were about the only three fit players left on the list. Everyone's in this boat, so it's just a matter of luck as to which teams will be affected most.

With razor-thin depth at the best of times, you're almost guaranteed draftees will get a game if they're ready or not. This year we chucked O'Hehir and Mahony (enjoy having the 'e' incorrectly added for the rest of your career), but held off for now on the field hockey player with no footy background. The good news for the headline-friendly named Dethridge is whether she's ready or not, she's almost guaranteed to get a game if fit when a few players stack it ahead of her. 

My first disappointment for the season was finding out that O'Hehir is pronounced like O'Hare, and doesn't rhyme with the sound of a dirty old man laughing. Regardless, every time Molly does something good please consider this image. I'm against post-goal music, but will make an exception if we play the sound of deviant laughter after her goals. Because I'm sure this is exactly the sort of person AFLW wants to be associated with. 

More Carry On Casey content later (young people, I'm sorry I can't explain what's going on so just roll with it), back to the Western Oval and the resumption of our rivalry with Footscray after the best part of two years off. Last time we played them was early 2023, when they were really bad, and we were still really good.

Since then they've nicked a coach from us, and improved to slightly less than mid-table mediocrity while we've been everything from great to garbage, and lost foundation player Lily Mithen to Gold Coast. So it was reasonable to start favourites, but you'd have been nuts to stake any serious money on us. But to be fair, you'd have won without much of a scare. We might have no depth, but they barely had a surface.

For a few minutes in the first quarter it looked like we might struggle to convert long enough to leave the door open for them, but the Dogs only had about 1.5 quarters in them, and we eventually ran away with an easy win. It wasn't one of our all-time great thumping victories - and there have been a few - but due to happening in Round 1 we were left with a bumper percentage of 442.9%. Can't say I've seen a Melbourne side of any variety do that before. Footscray are obviously slow starters, last year the Giants beat them 72-9, finished the first round on 800%, and haven't won a game since. Which is odd. The rematch would make an interesting Second Division matchup.

Other than three debutantes, our main personnel changes were the return of Tayla Harris (though it turned temporary), and Olivia Purcell without the Phantom of the Opera mask that powered 2024's end of season revival. If this was a TV show she'd have kept it on all pre-season, dramatically tear it off just before the first bounce, then go onto a dominant BOG performance. Only 50% of this happened, but it was the important half. 

On the other side, I couldn't pick a Bulldogs player not called Ellie Blackburn out of a lineup, but was interested for about five seconds when it sounded like they had a player called 'Gutnick'. They also had a Poustie, which may cause issues with coverage in Neos Kosmos.

A wildcard commentary appearance by the permanently underused Jason Bennett was welcome, less so the unwanted 'count up' clock which was obviously a holdover from Channel 7's previous Saturday night VFL coverage. I know some people are mad for not knowing how much time is left, I ask you to please consider those of us likely to drop dead from stress during a thriller. And if you've got fuzzy memories of the 5 Minute Warning interrupting Malcolm Blight talking nonsense on Channel 10, consider how often you see screens on team benches showing how much time there is left.

Sometimes they have to count up because the timing system is on the fritz, but in this case the AFL app was showing the heart condition compliant countdown figure. Then the second commentator blew their 'we have no idea how long there is to go' gimmick sky high by saying Melbourne had "one more chance" conveniently just before the siren went. I'm pleased to say that during quarter time somebody found the 'UP/DOWN' button at the Seven control room and we got back to telling the viewer what was going on, not trying to invent drama.

The first quarter was the only time there was any drama in this game. Footscray's coach may have arrived with some idea of how her old side was going to set up, but lacked the core group of shit hot players to do anything about it.

Considering the options available in our forward line, all the early chances came from unusual sources. After some ropey moments at the other end the ball got stuck at our end for no reward. Having just watched another game where Melbourne could get the ball inside 50 but had no earthly idea how to convert, it was a familiar feeling. The difference is that you know that forward line has been broken for years, this one has players like Bannan, Hore, and Zanker who would kick heaps more goals if they didn't have to share with such good players.

None of them, or the returning Harris, featured early. I think Mahony's shot that was touched on the line robbed her of a spot in the first kick/first goal hall of fame, and after the Bulldogs dropped a sitter, then hit the post, our first goal of the season came from fringe candidate Shelley Heath. Unlike Footscray, she is a first round specialist, having last kicked goals x2 in the opener two years ago. Not unsually, it came via a strong tackle and we look forward to watching her stalk opponents around the country for the next few months.

Otherwise, it was the same old story as we weren't conceding goals (partially thanks to inept opposition attack), but couldn't kick them either. It lacked spectacle value for the neutrals, but considering how cold it would've been there, some kids standing on the fence demonstrated admirable enthusiasm by jumping around as if they were in a mosh pit. Even if they were just trying to get on TV or staving off frostbite it added atmosphere. I was less appreciative of the fans who greeted a last touch free kick by vigorously doing the lasoo gesture, because the last thing we need is the AFL to think they can make that a 'fun' opportunity for fan engagement. It's already an unnecessarily wacky motion, what's wrong with the umpire just crossing arms over the head or something rather than carrying on as if piss drunk in a nightclub.

Though we were only a goal up at the break it felt like we'd eventually break them the longer the game went. And that's what happened, but across the last nine years there have been a few times where we've been caught dominating almost every element of the game except placing of ball through the goal hole. The 400% massacre didn't get started until the big hitter forwards arrived. Our galaxy of stars was already in operation elsewhere - Purcell and Hanks hoovering up possessions galore, Chaplin merrily rebounding out of defence etc... Now it was time for the goalkickers to start sinking their slipper.

In the club's pre-season documentary it was revealed that Kate Hore signed her first contract behind a tree in a park after playing a handful of games. Not how you'd imagine the finest, most consistent goalkicker of her generation would start a career, but she has since become a master of the art, and tentatively started party time with an intercept and goal. We survived nearly giving it right back before Bannan opened the floodgates, before they temporarily shut again when the Dogs got their first and last goal. Given the severe final margin it would be impolite to complain about dual blatant drops of the ball before plucking a snap out of nowhere.

After missing all but two quarters of last season, there was a reminder of what Tayla Harris can do when she pulled down a screamer. Unfortunately this was quickly followed by another injury departure, with the all-time novelty footy injury of a self-inflicted eye poke in a marking contest. This was quite ironic (enough of that - editor) given the ad that's been in high rotation for the last year. On this subject I couldn't agree with myself more:

What a stitch up after being in this ad for two years. #adchat https://t.co/Kuonvt5Wfi pic.twitter.com/TOrnQwxv6F

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) August 16, 2025

Maybe they'll digitally alter it like the Gold Coast logo in that AAMI ad to add an eye patch? Somehow, after tweeting largely for my own amusement since 2009, the above, ordinary throwaway post has romped into a clear lead as my most liked post ever. No idea why, but I'm just happy to see the years of niche comments on #adchat promoted to such a wide audience. 

Good thing I've got no skills that translate to being a celebrity, because I couldn't deal with the public. Imagine how many times this well-known figure, premiership winner, and subject of a statue has had to force a smile over the last two years while some DICKHEAD interrupted her daily business to crack lines from this commercial? I already think she should be legally cleared to punch anyone who mention jumpers or braids to her in public but this seals it. 

Other than the eye disaster, things were obviously heading in the right direction but we couldn't definitely put them away before half time. More wasted opportunities up front led to a near W-Demon Time miss as the Dogs hit the post after the siren. This light outbreak of momentum failed to survive through the half time break, and within a minute of the restart Zanker walloped one through on the run, and when Hanks added another it was over. 

While the opposition was burning their rare forward opportunities to a crisp, we had more big names of their industry involved than the Golden Age of Hollywood. By the time Hore and Zanker got their second goals, a fair old belting was back on the cards and there was enough buffer for Zanker to try a bicycle kick in the square after a shot on goal bounced away from the line. Didn't get anywhere near it, but bonus points for Jakovich-style flair.

With the game well won, the key priority was beating the men's score from earlier in the day. The pace of the belting slowed in the last quarter, but we got there eventually. The light pole in the background said MISSION, and it was mission accomplished when Hanks put through #9. Appropriately, she shared the last two goals with Purcell after they were by some margin the best players on the ground.

So this was quite an enjoyable start to the season if you're open to being distracted from the dreck being put on by the men. I don't know how it translates to the better teams, and we had Goldrick named as an emergency when there's no doubt she'd have been playing if available so we're potentially set for serious hurt if top players start getting injured, but on paper - and possibly in a case of famous last words - I think we should be serious contenders for a return to finals. Anything after that will be a bonus.

... and now, back for another year, it's the only club award named after somebody else's coach.

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Olivia Purcell
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Shelley Heath
2 - Kate Hore
1 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)

Apologies to plenty, but mostly Fitzsimon, McNamara, and Paxman.

Goal of the Week
Zanker missed out on Goal of the Century after whiffing on the bicycle kick but can console herself with the weekly award - and therefore clubhouse lead - for the goal on the run.

Next Week
We've traditionally had more trouble than necessary against St. Kilda, and they've just comfortably disposed of Adelaide so this could go anywhere. And as it's being played at Casey Fields, the ball could also go anywhere. I'd say it's not too late for relocating this game to a proper venue, but we've gone and booked a helicopter to strafe the ground with numbered balls after the siren, giving one lucky patron the chance to win $10,000. Good idea in theory, until some greedy scabs turn up with shopping bags and try to maximise their chances by pushing kids and the elderly over to get as many balls as possible.

I'm suspicious of helicopters at the best of times, but Mt. Variable Weather is the last place I'd stand under a low-flying one. It's one thing if the balls are all carried on a violent breeze to Tooradin, but I hope they've booked a military grade pilot to make sure this doesn't turn into Black Hawk Down II. It'll get publicity for the league, that's for sure.

I think we'll win, but not without a few traumatic moments. Won't be trusting any sort of three quarter time lead though.

Final thoughts
Get the men out of the way quickly so I can concentrate on this.