Monday 31 July 2006

Search and Destroy

The good news - we've taken the Jakovich Cup back off the Bulldogs after they beat us in Round 2. The better news - it was done in slashing fashion.

Of course it's not all roses. When it comes to Melbourne is it ever? 51pt wins over teams in the eight are ace but what does it really mean when it's against a team who are falling apart rapidly due to an injury list longer than World War One AND costs you two of your most important players through injury? In the short term it means that we're back in third (and as it stands off to Perth for the first week of the finals - how thrilling) but it's a big knife in the back for our chances of making the top four. For more dissection on that topic see the bottom of the report - for now let's concentrate on positives.

The first quarter was rather reminscent of last week. Goals flying in at both ends and the opposition running Melbourne off their feet to set up an apocalyptic second/third quarter outburst and win comfortably. Good idea in theory but obviously the tapes of last week have been watched so many times the film has worn out because from the moment the second quarter started and Neitz goaled within the first minute it was all Melbourne - all the time and the Dogs were strangled out of the game with extreme prejudice.

But before we go back to the game a moment please for one of the worst attempts at crowd humor ever. One wag in the bottom of the Ponsford Stand, as Brad Johnson marked in front of Cameron Bruce in the first quarter was heard to yell "Hey Bruce! You're Loose!" as if it were the most cutting insult ever delivered. Needless to say it wasn't and instead led to an entire end of people pissing themselves laughing at his expense. With spectacular rhyming talents like that I've got no idea why he was sitting there on his own shouting out randomly things and not in a clubroom somewhere writing future slogans to be used on banners. If you're going to just yell out random abuse because it makes you feel better about being a fat bastard who sits in the stands and has never had the guts and determination to play the game at the highest level then at least make it funny or especially biting. Otherwise you're that guy and you're a cock.

Back on field things were starting to look up. The Bulldogs had forgotten how to kick, Godfrey was having the time of his life tagging Scott West (9 kicks, shitloads of handballs) and The Jurassic Pack - featuring guest member Daniel Ward also having a spectacular day - were murdering the Dogs forwards who had looked so potent early on. 4.3 to 0.4, the Next Big Thing running wild and free in the midfield and Ben Holland kicking Jakovich-esque goals. Could life have been any better? Then Pickett necked himself and the carnival atmosphere died in the arse a bit. Then we kicked four goals to one in the third (including an Yze special for goal of the day) and it was back on again.

Incidentally did anyone notice just how many times people sold the dummy in this game? Both sides were just running around faking from one side to other. I suggest that yesterday's clash be referred to as the "Sucked-In Cup". The worst one of all was when Matthew Bate ran to 50 in the last quarter and did the MOST OBVIOUS FAKE EVER by almost falling to the ground he went so far left before drawing back to the right and running around his opponent. He missed the kick but I'm appalled that anybody could have fallen for such a blatantly obvious dummy.

The margin blew out to 40 before the Dogs kicked two goals in a row and Chris Sullivan Law was invoked (that no margin under 46pts is a "certaintly" before time-on of the 4th quarter - see Round 6, 1992 @ the MCG vs Essendon for the birth of this law). Fortunately love came back to town rapidly and the margin re-blew out to 45 before Yze capped off a top 250th game and goaled on the siren. Game, set and match. Four points in the bag etc..

Next Big Thing Watch
A new feature to fill the space left by Philthy and Pickett Watch.

- The Next Big Thing (NBT)
McLean was absolutely magnificent. I suggest selling your house and investing every cent you've got on him winning the Brownlow next year. If he stays fit he'll be an absolute legend. As far as I'm concerned he's almost graduated from the NBT Academy and become a superstar in his own right.

- The Next Next Big Thing (NNBT)
Bate was quiet for the first couple of quarters but as we started to put the Dogs to the sword in the third The Total Package emerged and started running riot. 17 touches, 8 marks and a goal. Good stuff.

- The Next Next Next Big Thing (NNNBT)
Dunn was a late withdrawal for Brown. I have no idea why - given that I'm in the Amish faction who never read the papers or watch television - but there's some suggestion that it was always on the cards so that Brown could play instead. Will be back with a vengeance, possibly to collect the Heaver Medal for Rookie of the Year.

- The Next Next Next Next Big Thing (NNNNBT)
A very solid debut by Jones. Cocked up a few disposals early on but as he started to get into the game and settle he started distributing top ball and going in for everything on the deck. Has all the makings of an absolute gun. Will be interesting to see what role he plays for the rest of the year now that Green will return but Pickett and Davey are crocked.

End Next Big Thing Watch

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - McLean
4 - Yze
3 - Ward
2 - Carroll
1 - Whelan

Apologies to Bruce, Bate, Godfrey, McDonald, Davey, Rivers and White.

Leaderboard

35 - Cameron Bruce
30 - Brock McLean
25 - James McDonald
20 - Brad Green
18 - David Neitz
17 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
14 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
6 - Adem Yze
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Daniel Ward
4 - Ben Holland
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
1 - Nathan Brown
1 - Jeff White
1 - Matthew Bate

The Run Home
Round 18 - Carlton @ MCG

All signs point to us winning this one and winning it well but we said that in Round One didn't we? And look what happened there. Now this is a much better unit than it was four and a half months ago, and Carlton have proven to be fairly rank ever since but I won't be assuming anything until we've crushed them. Fevola scares me - and not just because he looks like an evil sideshow clown who may rip my throat out at any moment.

Round 19 - Sydney @ MCG
They've not got a bad record at the 'G, and with three imminently winnable games in the last three rounds (Geelong/Brisbane/Carlton) they'll be thinking top four as much as we are. Instant blockbuster. As seen earlier this year we can beat them - farcical 50m penalties and 35m last quarters included - and this playing group has an excellent record against the Swans in the last few years so I'm comfortable with our chances.

Round 20 - North Melbourne @ MCG
Again you'd expect that we'd win this one. They ran us close earlier in the year when we were still finding our feet but their form hasn't been completely rancid recently and they're probably still capable of springing some surprises. I'd pencil in a win but don't expect to see Nathan Thompson get bored and wander off to find something else to do if the result is in doubt this time.

Round 21 - Geelong @ Kardinia Park
There's no possible way that we can top the drama and excitement of THE BEST GAME EVER in the corresponding fixture last year so I can't see any reason why we should win. Sure Geelong are balls but presumably they'll still be somewhere in the mix for the final 8 with two rounds to go and will be playing like their lives depend on it knowing that they should beat Hawthorn in R22. We should win but just because I'm a negative piece of shit I'll put it down as a loss.

Round 22 - Adelaide @ Football Park
Surely you jest? The only hope we've got is if they've got 1st place sewn up by a mile, rest half the team and bring back an all-time Crows 22 featuring Rodney Maynard, Simon Tregenza and Sudjai Cook. Then our reward will be either a trip to Perth or a "why didn't we just stay here?" rematch against the full strength Crows the next week.

The theory going around is that it's better to finish 5th and play Fremantle at the MCG in the first week of the finals. That's probably an accurate portrayal of things but fuck settling for an easy draw in the first week - I want the best result possible. And if that means getting tonked in Perth and then coming straight back here to bend over and cop it from St. Kilda in the 2nd week then so be it. No more settling for second best.

Saturday 29 July 2006

That's fairly interesting..

First there was McLean. Then there was Bate. Then there was Dunn. Now all hail the Next Next Next Next Big Thing,

Melbourne first-year player Nathan Jones will make his AFL debut on Sunday after being named in the Demons' final 22 for the clash with the Western Bulldogs at the MCG.


WAVE
OF
THE
FUTURE

Sunday 23 July 2006

Slop On Tap

If you're the sort of nutbag who believes that sport can be accurately predicted using omens then you surely would have questioned whether or not it was entirely sensible to go into a game with a six week winning streak wearing a replica of a jumper originally seen in the late 70's/early 80's when we won precisely fuck all and were belted on a weekly basis by everyone other than St. Kilda. Mystical issues aside there are two ways you can look at today's game,

a) Optimistic

It's the loss we had to have after being up for so long and could be the modern day equivalent of the 98pt loss to Carlton in Round 13, 2000 that spurred us onto winning plenty in a row and making a Grand Final. All we have to do to get back on track is beat the rapidly falling apart Bulldogs and the rotten Carlton. Neitz will find his form again and we still have the return of the Next Big Thing to look forward to. Our defence is solid and the midfield hasn't gotten out of 1st gear for a month.

b) Pessimistic

We've been rumbled after putting in decidedly average performances against Essendon, Richmond and to a lesser extent Port in the last few weeks. It's the start of the traditional second half of the season collapse, and if we lose to the rapidly falling apart Bulldogs we'll face a Carlton side who have beaten us once this year already in the midst of a form slump and will be lucky to fall into the top 8. The Next Big Thing appears to be prone to getting injured every second week.

Me? I'm a mixture of the two. Which is a surprise because, as you know, I'm almost always on the negative side of things. The way we exposed Collingwood on Queen's Birthday was a thing of a beauty but Essendon - the worst side since Freo won two games in 2002 - pushed us much further than we should have been, we almost managed to botch it against Brisbane and couldn't put Richmond away despite being infinately better allaround the ground. The kicking for goal has been shithouse the last two weeks - after 18.12 against Port and 14.14 against Brisbane we've racked up just 18.29 in the past two weeks and Neitz hasn't kicked one in a fortnight. There are worrying signs. Pickett has dropped off in the last month - and the 50 he gave away for decking McManus was, though perversly entertaining in a theatrical fashion, the kind of petty bullshit that we can't afford if we're going to go anywhere near winning a flag.

Then there was Brad Green and his bloody headbutt. I'm probably not alone in having no idea who it was on because I'm completely ignorant about Freo but I'm fairly confident that it's somebody with a lot less experience than Green and he still managed to rope him into making a dick of himself and giving away a needless goal. It was reckless rather than intentional and I think his clean record will save him but it's a wakeup call not to get sucked in. Predictably enough it took about ten seconds for some clown in the commentary box to make a Zidane/Green wisecrack. It was almost as if they paid him off to do it just so they could use the line. How they could miss a mention of Colin Sylvia sporting a mullet in honor of Heritage Week is a mystery to me though.

Look - Freo played well. Just because we don't know who any of them other than Pavlich, Farmer and that giraffe ruckman are doesn't make them automatically useless. We matched up well against them in the first quarter - and with Dunn running riot up front it looked as if we might almost get away with it. Unfortunately the first quarter specialist again went missing and the moment the 2nd term started they were on another level. We were being butchered all over the ground and even when we did get it inside 50 the kicking for goal was balls. It was genuinely painful viewing and I was appalled that we were only four goals down at halftime. Freo were extremely wasteful - but compared to us they were a ruthless and efficient killing machine.

Sadly I missed the brawl at halftime because I'd gone outside to ponder the future of the Middle East the moment the siren had gone. It may have been the only highlight of the day. Davey kicked the first of the third quarter but the chances of pulling off the improbable rapidly faded as Chris Connelly had his side playing like us and we had ours going like when he played for us. Shattering. By the last change it was all over and they toyed with us for the first twenty minutes. Some goals in junktime made it look respectable but we were cleaned up. I'm not charging the Panic-O-Meter 1000 yet but Jebus H Christ if we play like that next week we'll get smashed. Take this as a lesson. AND FUCKING LEARN TO KICK STRAIGHT. Ahem.

Philthy Watch
Ran around being angry all day. Didn't punch anyone in the head. Will get the arse next week in recognition of the fact that Godfrey has strung together two moderately respectable games in a row (by his standards) and McLean should be back. Get down to Sandy and check out the great man in action if you can. Personally I'm boycotting the whole competition until Camberwell return. 15 years of attaching myself to lost causes and counting.
End Philthy Watch

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - James McDonald
4 - Brad Green
3 - Travis Johnstone
2 - Nathan Carroll
1 - Aaron Davey

Apologies to Godfrey (!!), Holland, Philthy, Robertson, Ward (!!), Yze, Whelan and anyone else who wasted a Sunday watching this rubbish.

Leaderboard

35 - Cameron Bruce
25 - Brock McLean
25 - James McDonald
20 - Brad Green
18 - David Neitz
17 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
14 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
11 - Matthew Whelan
11 - Nathan Carroll
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Adem Yze
2 - Brad Miller
1 - Daniel Ward
1 - Nathan Brown
1 - Jeff White
1 - Matthew Bate

P.S - I've decided that the Brent Heaver Medal for Rookie of the Year will be handed out on it's own merits rather than to the rookie who gets the most votes because personally I think Dunn would be winning it so far but hasn't managed to nick a vote yet. We do have some integrity you know. Not much though.

Next Week: Sunday vs Footscray at the MCG in the "for god's sake please don't let this happen to us again" edition of the Jakovich Cup. Demonblog will be there. If we lose I'll be the one trying to hang myself from the second deck of the Ponsford.

Friday 14 July 2006

Friday Night Slops

Having confidently declared the game against Essendon a few weeks ago to be the worst game I have seen in years I come before you tonight to acclaim a new winner. Melbourne vs Richmond - Friday, July 14th, 2006 was the worst game we've been involved with this decade if not longer. This was undoubtedly the result of the Tigers playing the same game they did against Adelaide this year when they sprung a big upset. Sadly for them every other coach in the league has watched the video of that game fifty times and isn't likely to fall for such a scam.

Early signs weren't positive. The Next Big Thing OUT, Godfrey IN. WHY? If I had righteous indignation at Philthy's exclusion in the first place it was apoplectic rage when it turned out that he'd been considered inferior as a replacement to a man who is almost worse than Scott Chisholm.

Then we were held to a goal apiece in the first quarter (though I did have "any other player" in the first goalkicker and have presumably coined in on Dunn) as Richmond shut the game down expertly and we had no comeback. They kicked the first of the second and I started to worry that we were going to be stooged by this bullshit like the Crows were. I don't begrudge them the right to play wanky negative football against infinately better teams if that's what will keep them in the game but they couldn't even get that right tonight. Their skills were absolutely abysmal and continuously handed us the game on a platter. That we couldn't actually put them away was the combination of being lowered to their level, an off-night around the ground, shit kicking and a terrible run with hitting the post. Eventually we started to get on top in the second quarter and opened up a four goal lead.

If I may interrupt the report for a second can I say that I'm completely lost at how to interpret the performance of Daniel Ward. Almost every possesion he gets seems to be without any opposition pressure whatsoever. This means that he's either an absolute gun at getting rid of his man, has no interest in manning up or is the pawn in one of Daniher's great tactical games. Personally I favor the first option but as it hasn't gone really badly wrong since the Collingwood game I'm willing to accept it for the moment. Am I missing the point here? Is it a further indication that I can't analyse a game to save myself? You decide.

Wallace obviously unleashed the dogs a bit in the third quarter and predictably it went all wrong. With only three goals to the last change their forwards were being destroyed by THE JURASSIC PACK (with tonight's guest member Ben Holland) and their own rubbish kicking. The last five minutes of the third quarter, however, they did start to get on top and pressure us out of it a bit. Panic was starting to creep in a bit and the game high lead of 40 was down to four goals pretty quickly and there's was more than enough time for an undeserved and farcical comeback. Didn't happen, of course, but they did challenge throughout the 4th term as we started to pull the pin a bit. It was more comfortable than the scoreboard would indicate but when Richardson kicked two around the 20 minute mark you would have to have an iron constitution not to have shat yourself at least a little bit. After Holland went off with some kind of groin injury (terrible timing now that he's playing good football) he had another shot that he probably would have kicked on previous evidence but attempted to dish off and cocked up. That pretty much iced it. Troy Simmonds goaled after the siren to make it an even three goals but it was to no avail. They're the worst team to go anywhere near the finals this year - but will presumably not make it - but we'll certainly need to improve to go anywhere near a flag.

Dink Watch
In the absence of Philthy, and the relatively unexciting game Pickett had we introduce a new feature where we track the progress of the 2006 Backline Dink Campaign. There was a bit of it tonight, but you'd expect that the way Richmond played. It wasn't over the top and suited the way the game was being played so you'll cop it.
End: Dink Watch

Incidentally have there ever been a bigger pair of football crowd rejects than the two idiots who spent four quarters up the back of the Ponsford yelling out any shit that came to mind and trying to find an elusive funny. Never before has anybody spent so much time screaming out their stream of conciousness ramblings to absolutely no response. One of them even managed to rip out a couple of racial slurs. Charming. And it marks the first time I've heard any of that shit since we played them on a Friday night a couple of years ago. Did anyone notice that it's 2006? Not these tossers. The only thing moderately hillarious heard all night was when one or the other started screaming out "DAVID NEITZ! MOST OVERRATED PLAYER EVER"! Ironic, don't you think, coming from somebody who has watched Matthew Richardson play for the last decade.

Votes

5 - Matthew Whelan
4 - James McDonald
3 - Russell Robertson
2 - Jared Rivers
1 - Ben Holland

Apologies to Bartram, Bruce, Davey, Green, Pickett, Sylvia, Ward (!), Wheatley, White and Yze

Demonblog.com Player of the Year

35 - Cameron Bruce
25 - Brock McLean
20 - James McDonald
18 - David Neitz
16 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
16 - Brad Green
14 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
12 - Travis Johnstone
11 - Matthew Whelan
9 - Nathan Carroll
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Adem Yze
2 - Brad Miller
1 - Daniel Ward
1 - Nathan Brown
1 - Jeff White
1 - Matthew Bate (Leader: 2006 Darren Cuthbertson Medal for Rookie Of The Year)

Next week: Fremantle @ Subiaco. We've got a decent record against them there and are playing relatively good football at the moment. I think we can win but you wouldn't have your dollars on any team beating them over there.

Thursday 13 July 2006

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

How can I possibly manage a preview at a time like this? Philthy is out and the phaction is in disarray.

Official changes
In: P.Wheatley, L.Dunn,
Out: B.Miller (Hip Flexor), P.Read

Good to see Wheatley back, and to see Miller out given the shithouse form he's been in this year. I'll have Dunn in the side any day of the week but the Philthy scandal has destroyed me. I think we'll win but it's going to go tits up at some point and this is as good a week as any.

* Melbourne by 24pts
* Me to crack up by the 4th quarter

Tuesday 11 July 2006

Congratulations I have (re)arrived

Farcical scenes at Demonblog in the last couple of weeks. An interstate jaunt directly after the Port game, lasting all the way through the Brisbane game and until now. Not that I was in Brisbane (observant readers will remember that I've vowed never to go near the state of Queensland again) but I was certainly in the heart of another state where they don't give a rats about AFL and replays of certain Saturday night games aren't on until 10.30pm.

So - we beat Port. It was quite comfortable in the end after some dubious times early on. I can't remember what the hell happened to be honest other than firing up the mask gimmick in the 4th quarter and getting absolutely NO POP from the crowd in the bottom desk of the Ponsford Stand. No respect for the Philthy Phil Phaction amongst those people.

Round 13 Votes

5 - McLean
4 - Bruce
3 - Neitz
2 - Carroll
1 - Whelan

Then a week later there was Brisbane. A venue we've been porked in for the last three years. Thankfully this year's Lions aren't a patch on the previous editions (though fark me they've got promise) and we managed to fall over the line against them despite Bradshaw taking his total in the last two games against us to 17 and Nathan Carroll being destroyed for the first time in ages. I have confidence that he'll bounce back but is there any doubt now that Brad Miller's career has gone off the road, plummeted into a ravine and exploded in flames? His confidence looks at an all-time low - see the mystery tap down to Akermanis in the 3rd quarter - and he doesn't appear to have a role anymore. I'm not suggesting we'll give him the bullet but after 60/70 games it's make or break time for him. Could be the next Brent Grgic - all promise for the first 50 games and then complete disinterest for the rest until we flog him to Geelong and he plays his best game ever against us. His decision making is absolutely abysmal, always has been and you can't think that there's much more improvement to come at this stage of his career. What to do? Go to advanced kicking school and try and be a full-forward? Then all he has to do is mark it and kick it rather than trying to dish off pissy handballs to anyone who runs past. Watch this space.

On the upside Sylvia played his best game yet and marked everything that came near him. Green played another great game in a rapidly expanding midfield role (Demonblog sez - "We were wrong") and the Whelan/Rivers portion of THE JURASSIC PACK (I won't stop flogging that name until it actually gets over) were on fire even if Carroll was being ripped to shreds by Bradshaw. I thought, with a few celebrated exceptions, that it was more a case of the Lions playing well than us playing terribly and we still took the 4pts so grab what you can and run like buggery I say.

Neitz was ace again. Whoever said he was finished (and it certainly can't have been me can it?) was at least one year out. Even Ward was killing it - notwithstanding the fact that he usually gets possessions because he's a mile away from the guy he's supposed to be on.

PHILTHY WATCH
Look, I'll admit that I'm biased (and indeed to paraphrase Nick Cave - and later the Screaming Jets if you're into that kind of thing - "the sound of his name sends a permanent shiver down my spine") but even though you wouldn't stake your life on him to hit a target when he's got the ball tell me you don't become moderately aroused at least when he flies into a pack like a WW2 kamikaze pilot and buries somebody. At least don't lie and pretend you'd rather Godfrey playing in the midfield scragger role. Every team needs one - we have Philthy. Enough said.

As for the television coverage when I finally did see it I couldn't help but be simultaneously amused and terrified by Malcolm Blight's "stream of conciousness" commentary where he just says whatever comes to head. Never before has somebody who is obviously knowledgable (think of the two flags and pretend the St. Kilda thing never happened) sounded so much like they're absolutely nuts. Best enjoyed when you're not watching your own team.

Round 14 Votes

5 - Whelan
4 - Green
3 - Neitz
2 - Sylvia
1 - Yze

Apologies to Bruce, Johnstone, McDonald, McLean, Pickett, Philthy, Rivers, Ward and White

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

35 - Cameron Bruce
25 - Brock McLean
18 - David Neitz
16 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
16 - James McDonald
16 - Brad Green
12 - Travis Johnstone
12 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
9 - Nathan Carroll
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Matthew Whelan
4 - Chris Johnson
3 - Russell Robertson
3 - Ben Holland
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Adem Yze
2 - Brad Miller
1 - Daniel Ward
1 - Nathan Brown
1 - Jeff White
1 - Matthew Bate (Leader: 2006 Darren Cuthbertson Medal for Rookie Of The Year)

Next week: Richmond at the MCG on Friday night. We should win but they're in the best form that any team called Richmond has the right to be in. To make up for the shambolic scenes of the last couple of weeks I'll actually deliver a preview AND a match report this week. Quelle Surprise!