Unalive in '25

If you could buy canisters of premiership anaesthetic from The Demon Shop I'd chrome them until it caused hallucinations. No side effects could be worse than nightmare visions of a team that's gone from fringe premiership contention 12 months ago to kicking nearly two goals per game less than the future stars 'n battlers list of 2015.

After five respectable years, highlighted by a tremendous once-in-a-lifetime campaign, we're the worst team in Victoria again and so boring that you may have considered poking your eyes out before half time on Saturday night.

And that's just the on-field drama. The Bartlett Files might have slammed shut once we bought off settled with the ex-President, but this will be a great week to lay the boot in, no matter how pissweak the bombshell. You never know what angle the media will go with, after last week I bet on fake concern for Petracca's welfare, and instead got Jordan Lewis basically calling his old teammate a punce on live TV.

In the immortal words of the Iron Sheik:

We've even had the old 'letter from the President' email backing the coach, and this time it feels legitimate rather than the prelude to him getting the arse 10 minutes later. I appreciate Brad Green doing the fill-in job, but it's a bit farcical that we're patiently waiting for the next guy to find a time suitable to him before taking over. 

 

I'm up for almost any criticism of how things are going, but can we calm down on the famous draft pick exchange? On paper, it looks like playing Russian Roulette with 5/6 bullets loaded but we should know more than anyone that that draft picks can go astray it's us. It's all a lottery, being dudded by Gold Coast's priority pick at the end of 2019 accidentally directed us towards Luke Jackson, who played a role in 2021 that we've missed ever since. 

I'll get upset when Essendon pick a 4x Brownlow Medal winner and Lindsay is run over by an ice cream truck, until then theoretical future scenarios are the least of our concerns. Let's get upset about slowly sinking into quicksand while the coaches are wedded to this dull-as-all-buggery-style that's never going to catch on. The last two weeks have been far from our worst performances (especially against Geelong and Essendon), but it's hard to find joy watching a team play like bedraggled shipwreck survivors washed up on a desert island. 

Some say they're not playing for the coach, I reckon it's the exact opposite and they're trying too hard to look after him and feeling bad about it going so badly. Maybe not all of them, Harry Sharp probably gives 99.9% less of a rat's arse about Goodwin's feelings than Gawn, Petracca, or anyone who has only known one senior coach, but regardless of who's friends with who, we're getting to the stage where a circuit breaker might be required.

The last great letdown was 2019, but back then the coach was still relatively new, and we still had the ultimate, seemingly unattainable, goal to strive for. Now that we've seen the peak, the idea of bombing out so quickly does not appeal, and it's hard viewing both in sporting terms and spiritually. More importantly, six years ago there was a sense that the group would stick together and build for the future, now we're in a season-long waiting game to see who goes first.

It was clear where the season was going midway through the Gold Coast game, but two weeks in a row of trailing around all night behind good-not-great sides, kicking a majority of goals in a futile third quarter comeback, then gently sliding off the face of the earth have confirmed there's no escape route. You decide whether we need the Last Rites or an exorcism. I'm way too old to be real life depressed about footy, but even if the season is shot it'd be nice to get a reminder that we watch for fun. Either that, or something so outrageous that it flips my outrage trigger.  

You could ask where it all went wrong, but we haven't got time to do a #fistedforever Files Pt.2. As the MFC balloon made all sorts of rude noises while deflating last year, I tried to stay calm and pretend that 2025 would turn out ok. Even then, the best I could do for us ninth (not even remotely the worst prediction on a ladder that rated C at time of writing), but I'd have been happy to stay around the finals, get games into the kids, and try to convince at least one of the stars not to run like they've stolen something at the end of the year.

During the week the coach wanted to put our flag in the ground, and I thought this made a lot of sense. Construct a fancy underground mausoleum and let fans pay respects to a great moment in human history. Chuck the cup in there too. Turns out he was speaking in cliches about the team making a stand to protect their reputation and yada yada yada. It's getting like the coaching version of when Nathan Jones was wheeled out every week to try and put a brave face on our latest vigorous rooting. 

Imagine Jones is the last person to run out the door when they need a caretaker and he has to be the face of fiasco again? That would be cruel and unusual punishment. Here's to everyone else bolting, then the camera slowly turning to reveal Choke Yourself With A Tie calmly sitting in the corner and chewing gum before a dramatic zoom and him casually saying "I'll do it". Sadly Get Choco Pt. 3 won't happen, and I get the sense that they're warming Troy Chaplin up for a possible orderly mid-season transition.

Forget toppling the coach, if the assistants go along with this nonsense they're all as guilty as each other. Has a team ever parachuted an outsider into the top job midway through the year? Bring back Craig Jennings, who now apparently lives in a van and eats courtesy of the GWS in-house chef. We'll counter offer a decommissioned Hertz rental car and tuna from a can.

I've lost faith in miracle comebacks, Hollywood finishes, and protecting the legacy of a premiership coach, but let's not go down as the most tedious side ever to breathe air. Since turning temporarily ballistic against GWS we've been so boring that the AFL will soon be on the phone complaining about damage to their brand. There are plenty of better teams than Essendon, who conceded 160 points two games ago, and at this rate one of them will eventually hold us goalless.

I'm more interested in the dignity and welfare of our coach than many, but he's not doing himself any favours by stoically heading towards his doom without deviating from the plan. I'm not saying you nuke everything and go full in-season rebuild at 0-4, but would anyone have been upset if tried something a little bit new and kooky? Maybe there'd be trouble if we lost by 111 points, but any reasonable margin with something for the future beats another comfortable defeat featuring the same old shit as last week. We're like the Germans finding out Enigma had been cracked and still broadcasting secret war plans into it. Just like them we also had a couple of successful years before it all went horribly wrong, but that's where the comparisons end.

You just know the coaching group spent the week desperately trying to convince themselves that there was some life in this season and it wasn't time to panic. This led to team changes that were as inspiring as a get well card from the Tobin Brothers. Remember when we dropped Turner, pretended Johnson would make a difference, and got absolutely nowhere? This time they dropped Turner, didn't bother picking any sort of replacement forward, and got nowhere again. How do you win a recall with VFL goals then get the boot after one game? It's like being the only person fined when everyone runs onto the ground for a 100th goal. 

At this rate we may need to run on for the team's 100th, sometime in late July. I could understand if the player didn't fit into some great tactical shift, or the side had been exposed as too tall the previous week, but this just made an already underperforming forward line even worse, putting even more pressure on forwards who had done chuff all in the first month to make a difference. Unless Turner headbutted an assistant coach for providing feedback last week, why would you ditch him for the second time in three weeks? He hasn't done much this year, but are we developing him as a forward of the future or not? If not, we've got several weeks of a defence without Lever where he might come in handy. This is about as useful for his improvement as that bullshit two week stint as a sub last year. 

Under the circumstances, anyone who could make a contest would do. Neither Johnson, or the mythical Tom Fullarton hardly stir my loins, but unless we had a surprise new method of delivering the ball inside 50 anyone would be better than creating an even bigger void for van Rooyen to disappear in. Ben Brown was more useful on one leg last year than anyone has been so far this season. Never mind though, because after a half of miserable toil we had a big secret weapon in attack - the guy who played one of the pound-for-pound worst seasons as a key forward in the modern era. To his credit, Petty did make a difference for a few minutes. Until the surprise element wore off and our attack screeched to a stop again.

Watching Goodwin unconvincingly try to put on a brave face at the press conference would make me sad, but "What were you trying to achieve here?" would be a reasonable question. I don't know if any particular key forward could have rescued us, but this was a long, sad, demise from the Mad Minute to two goals in a half. At one in an incredibly tedious first half, our best delivery into attack was a shank off the side of the boot. How did anyone who is paid to think about this stuff think any of this was a good idea?

If there's any good news, it's that we probably won't be invited back to Adelaide Oval next year. The midday Barossa Valley spot will probably draw more interest from our fans than any other fixture, but any more 'entertainment' like this and they'll fixture us on an oil rig against thin air. Might kick a decent score. Might all fall over the side after a minute.

It's hard to remember what happened without prompting. I just remember getting the ball forward occasionally, but never looking even remotely threatening. We were getting the ball out of the middle a lot, and fat lot of good that did us. Credit to Gawn for taking over at the bounces and trying to do it all himself, but christ on a bike we make things look difficult. 

It's nonsensical that our highest scoring and most fluent performance of the year was on a soaking wet ground with five first gamers, and really should have ended with a win. After this I'm not sure we'd beat Richmond, West Coast or Mordialloc. Obviously (!!!) we're going to win a game somewhere, but how much slurry needs to go under the bridge first? By the time May was hobbling off looking like he'd just burst his foot things were almost becoming laughable.

Might have guessed how this was going when we had a bunch of inside 50s at the start, conceded the first goal, then Pickett booted a close range snap that he'd have kicked with his eyes closed in the past OOF. He was good again, but somebody has to rip out a genuinely match-winning performance eventually. There are little moments and five minutes bursts, but nothing sustainable. Not to harp on the obvious, but it would also help if we scored more than 57. This is a score you might win with once in a while, but not the way we're going. Pickett did get one, and that was it for the quarter. Then they generously flattened Langdon after a mark at the start of the second quarter and maybe things could only get better? Except for the bit about not getting another goal until after half time. 

So that's one goal we 100% guaranteed by our own actions in a half. Which is nice. This is a credit to a defence that was Lever-less, without May for several minutes, and on red alert for the ball coming back towards them about 11 seconds after they disposed of it. Also thanks to Essendon for only having slightly more of a forward line than us. 

I was about to drink turpentine when the Petty into attack move was revealed just before the start of the third quarter, and thought about upgrading to quaffing nuclear waste when Essendon goalled a minute after the restart. To his credit, Petty did use the surprise element for a mark/goal, which was rare enough for us that it should be highlighted. Just when you thought it might be his second coming as a forward, he didn't go near another goal. I bet it will still be enough to tempt them to play him there for the rest of the year and he'll kick another 5.8.

But it was the start of our best period of the game, which isn't saying much but it momentarily injected some excitement into this dreary slopfest. The giant comedy hook was called on for Henderson, who had narrowly fallen short of capturing the coveted record for negative metres gained, with -21 from just four disposals. This stat is as flimsy as hitouts and inside 50s combined but I'm always up for a record breaking performance.

We don't know the exact MFC high mark, but this article says Jack Watts once turned 27 disposals into -34 metres. That gives original recipe Jack line honours, but Henderson wins on handicap for losing more ground per disposal. It doesn't matter which way they go as long as we win, and that's the big difference between this game and Round 18, 2010. I was so angered by the commentary of Dwayne Russell and Tony Shaw that this momentous occasion bypassed me, but he did get an apology in the votes despite describing a couple of his handballs as "pure bollocks". 

Watts is reported to have had a flying shot on goal at one point, so that must count as a few positive metres but you do get the feeling they're making some of this shit up. Surely actual industry professionals don't take this figure seriously. Definitely not us, we're flat out taking scoring seriously. But it does offer the chance for a bit of pissfarting around, so I challenge random MFC players to go for -50 by the end of the year. Let's collect some world records that don't involve the biggest losses in VFL/AFL history.

It started getting a little bit interesting when Fritsch kicked a nice snap from the boundary line. After becoming a father during the week he did the classic baby rocking celebration, much to the disgust of people who think out of form footy players should be attacked by wild dogs. I was just happy that he kicked any goal, and there was another just around the corner via our second 50/goal for post-mark clattering. My pulse rate nearly got above 12 when Melksham pulled down a big mark and set up Pickett to cut the lead to 10. 

At least he held it, unlike the Essendon player who will probably get nominated for Mark of the Week despite never even remotely controlling the ball before it burst free on hitting the ground. We replied to their settler, but just in case you thought there was an over correction after Adelaide sooked up last week, we conceded a goal when May had the ball punched from his hands mid-mark. If it was up to me I'd set such a ruthlessly high bar that barely anything questionable would be paid.

That left us within range, but still highly unlikely to win. As if we had consecutive good quarters in us. If Rivers converted his hopeful ping at the start we might have scared them into getting the wobbles, but alas no, and we were soon conceding at the other end. God knows who Jye Menzie is, but he's certainly on the Kingsley Klub shortlist after this. 

The official Petracca 'Fresh Start Doomsday Clock' ticked a little closer to midnight when he was run down storming an open goal and did a kick that looked like the one which finally convinced him to leave the game on King's Birthday.

You can't deny there was some improvement from last week. For instance, against Geelong we were on six goals halfway through the last quarter and didn't get another one. This time we risked excitement by kicking an eighth but it was all for nothing. I was determined to stick it out until the final siren, then Essendon kicked an exclamation mark goal with 17 seconds left and I didn't have the energy to wait through another centre bounce - including the inevitable repeat from the umpires who wouldn't just give up and throw the bloody thing in the air - and got on with my life. Just a reminder that we play 18 more games this season.

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal
5 - Ed Langdon
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Jake Bowey
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Jake Melksham

Apologies - only because they were in the general melee for the last spots - to McDonald and Petracca

Leaderboard
It feels like a year where something really weird could happen with this award, but chances are that surprise candidates like Bowey and Lindsay won't hold out for the full season. Hopefully they do, or a shock new contender emerges, because statistical wankery is one of the few appealing things left for this season.

9 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Clayton Oliver
8 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
7 - Xavier Lindsay (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Christian Petracca
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford, Tom McDonald, Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Jake Lever, Christian Salem
1 - Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp, Tom Sparrow

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Fritsch from the boundary line just because the celebration will annoy the sort of people who deserve to be annoyed. Windsor in Round 1 still the clubhouse leader. 

Next Week
A winless Melbourne against Fremantle at the MCG. I've seen this before, but won't hold my breath for a miracle comeback if they're 50 points up at half time again. We'll be lucky to score 50, so the biggest intrigue of the week is whether we get more than the 19,423 nutters who turned up in 2008. With a long weekend, the death spiral on-field, and fans who are happy to find something else to do at the best of times I think we'll struggle. If the forecast rain happens they'll need to drag innocent people in off the street.

Even if we hadn't spontaneously combusted this year, it's odd that our first three home games are all against interstate teams. Now by the time the profitable games turn up we'll be unable to attend due to an unfortunate toaster/bathtub interface. That's what happens when you blow a chance to establish yourself at the top of the ladder and pick up a generation of fans on the way. Now that the MCG are penny-pinching tightwads I can't even be sad without having some wanker sitting three seats away.

It's hard to even fake pretending to know how selection works when the VFL pulled up after three weeks so a handful of semi-professionals could play a state game nobody cared about. It's already a Mickey Mouse competition, would anyone really care if we just replaced the state squad with top-ups and carried on? So all I'm going off is the previous week, 

Assuming May's foot didn't expand to the size of a Sherrin overnight, I'll assume they're not going to do something mad like play Petty forward all game so Turner comes back. Any chance of giving old Disco a crash course in rucking during the week so van Rooyen doesn't have to do it? Or remove the stone of 'Poor Old' from Tom Fullarton and attach the stone of 'Playing In A Shambles'. Perhaps a bit extreme to do both, but it's not like we won't just hoof the ball in there like mad bastards anyway. 

Please do not subject me to the fantasy that Johnson is going to do anything as a key forward, maybe if he was playing for Adelaide and had all sorts of cover, but not in this team. And I'm yet to be convinced that Henderson can overcome playing in a piss poor shambles of a side. Might've walked into 10 other clubs and looked great, but not here. I'll welcome him back later, and when you look at our depth there won't be any other option soon, but we're not running the Make A Wish Foundation here, take your medicine like the rest of the fringe players.

I don't see the point of Sharp as the sub if his gimmick is running all day, but he doesn't really justify playing four full quarters at the moment. If they do the obvious and rotate Henderson out, he'll be the last man standing of the Round 1 debutantes to 'enjoy' the full 0-6 experience. I bet they pick Billings and Howes, then send Petty forward.

We will lose by a margin that will cause much anxiety and Pickett will probably try to switch benches halfway through.

IN: Brown, Turner
OUT: Henderson, Spargo (omit)
LUCKY: Sharp (remains sub), Sparrow, van Rooyen, Viney
UNLUCKY: Johnson, POTF

Final thoughts
Best to have something else to do in your life other than footy or you'll go coco bananas by June.

Felines gently defecate on kitty litter

It's a bit late for honourable losses, but given that I automatically expect any visit to Kardinia Park to become a repeat of 186 this result ended up a few goals better off than expected. That doesn't make up for spending most of the game making goalscoring look more complicated than The Manhattan Project. Any team that kicks six in four quarters deserves to lose, and if they're averaging one per last quarter a month into the season (three of which were consolations when games were long lost) it's time to get an early start on Gather Round by gathering everybody around to watch the white flag go up.

On this form you wouldn't trust Geelong against good sides, but they didn't have much trouble holding this steam-powered, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang-style relic from a bygone era at bay. It was most of the players you recognised from happier times, playing like the Paul Roos led teams that had to prioritise dignity over scoring. In 2014 we got 60.72 points a game, now we've emerged from off-season turmoil with all our star players intact, bet heavily on improved performance... and are averaging 62 a month into the year.

Apologies if you're here for old school outrage, but I'm at the stage of sleep difficulties where Tyler Durden is about to show up and form a militia. Other than a couple of light frustrated obscenities in front of the children, I couldn't work myself into a frenzy. It helps to have emotionally conceded the season midway through the third quarter against Gold Coast. As usual, you're welcome to feel however you like about the long distance premiership, but it satisfied my urges enough not to go full Carlton fan and glare at players outside training, spraypaint the road, or create a scene with a gun stuffed down the strides.

Still, things are a bit grim when there's 19 games left and the most exciting thing to play for is ruining the value of our traded first round draft pick. But that's where we're at. Spare me fantasy comparisons to when Sydney came back from 0-6 to play finals. In the first of two Alan Partridge references in this post:

My thoughts on the coach haven't changed since last week, but if he's not going to pull the plug voluntarily Goodwin has to go down swinging and pull out all sorts of wacky manoeuvres (NB: not playing Petty forward) to try and squeeze some life out of this side. I'm eternally grateful that "I was just following orders" style adherence to system got us to the top once, but it would be legitimately tragic if he went out presiding over tedious slop like this every week. If there's some amazing breakthrough around the corner it's in an advanced state of camouflage.

I still don't think this season is a 2007-style prelude to catastrophe, but then again I didn't realise that was either until opening the next season with a triple figure loss. The good news is we've been offered a handy distraction from on-field disaster, unfortunately it comes via Christian Petracca's emotional exit at full time. Stand by for a week of journalists feigning concern for him while practically screaming "Look at his face! Just look at his face!" while the footage repeats on a loop.

You'd think the footage doesn't bode well for the future, but unless you're a mindreader or he breaks down and admits all mid-Cannelloni cook on Instagram nobody can be sure where his reaction sits on the scale between 'frustrated for footy reasons' and 'about to demand contract termination in the Supreme Court'. I've never had my internal organs rearranged in front of 80,000 people or been best on ground in a Grand Final (still time for one of those to happen), so my view on what he should do next is irrelevant but I'm betting hard that the words "fresh start" are going to be used about one minute after this cursed season finishes.

I appreciate him still having a massive go in a rapidly disintegrating circumstances, but am suspicious that the fresh start will only be valid at massive clubs. Maybe we can get our first pick back from Essendon? Alternatively, Christian could be the rallying point for supergluing the club together and do a big Wolf Of Wall Street style "I'm staying" speech, cementing his status as a club legend by going down with the ship. It wouldn't be the first time we've drowned him.

Hopefully he was just infused by the overwhelming Kardinia Park spirit of Gary Ablett Jr and realising that there's something to be said for pocketing shitloads of money to play several seasons for a rotten team. There should be plenty of money left when Pickett legs it. Maybe Oliver too. And somebody you never expected to go, Neal-Bullen style. It's not like the league's hottest free agents will be flocking to join us at this rate. Which is a shame, especially after getting a first hand look at the team which made an art form from plugging gaps.

The idea of blowing everything up and trying to draft our way out of the toilet doesn't appeal, but I'm slowly going from a "stiff shit, you signed the contract" mindset to "fit in or fuck off". If we're going down it may as well be with people who want to be there. I've always said that if you only let me have one I'd take Petracca over Oliver, but am prepared to fall in behind the first man to make clear that he wants to lead the recovery. I'm sadly resigned to Pickett going, but like a less-urgent version of ANB to Adelaide there's a difference when you're sure it's about friends and family, not social media metrics.  

Anyway, this game can be summed up a lot quicker than most (but stay tuned for a few thousand bonus words) - the midfield got beaten but did enough to stay in the game, the backline had a few high profile cock-ups but held up well enough, and we finished with an indefensibly shit score after attacking like the criminally deranged. On the other hand, Geelong had something resembling a forward line and won without a scare while neutral viewers everywhere fled like they were on the deck of the Titanic.

I disputed the throwaway claim on commentary that we've lost our "identity" over the last few weeks. This is like ripping the mask off and revealing that it was old style Melbourne all along. There was also much wankery about starting Fritsch and Oliver on the bench, as if it's 1987 and they were going to sit there for half a game. Naming Spargo as the sub in his 100th game was a bit harsh, but if I'd had my way he'd be stuck on 99 after playing for Casey so you take what you're offered. I'm not trying to banish Charleston forever, and recognise that he's only played five quarters in the last year, but that's what we've got a Reserves side for. 

We've got plenty of premiership players who are firing blanks after a month to get going. Bowey, Rivers, Salem, Sparrow etc... (whose low numbers should be read in conjunction with him do a tagging job here) have had their moments, but try to find somebody in our team who has improved from last year. Chandler had the best game of his life against North, hasn't really done much otherwise. Maybe McDonald, who looked on the verge of choking an umpire to death in late 2024 but has been a solid defender and didn't get nearly enough credit for his performance here. I'd still send him forward. We'd need a religious miracle to save this season, but you can start doing the right thing by the other young forwards now. Prepare to read words to this effect in every post for the next 19 games.

During the week a Geelong fan attempted to convince me that the Cats were finished and every chance of unexpectedly falling over here. If I'd been gullible enough to believe that he'd have followed-up by trying to sell me Amway. We've lost from hotter favouritism, but I couldn't even picture a fictional scene of us winning. Would've been funny though. And we did get the first goal, courtesy of a massive throw in the build-up that had the locals howling like they don't get looked after 99% of the time. 

Later we did one of our better kicks to a lead all season only for the umpire to suffer a distance meltdown and call it 'not 15', shortly before paying a couple of five metre chips at the other end. Fans kept howling as if hard done by, but everyone else knows if the famous 2021 game had been played in front of a crowd they'd we'd have been lucky if the decisive 50 wasn't paid the other way. But umpiring was far from the reason for losing. Having said that, I'm not one for bronx cheers but it was wild when the 800 Melbourne fans in the crowd delivered one after a free kick that came through the TV loud and clear. 

What about we get a slice of the zany umpiring action by creating decent contests in front of goal rather than punting it straight to defenders or dropping marks? I'd understand chipping the ball around if it reliably ended in players standing on their own in front of goal, but right now you're just making it harder for forwards who are already struggling. It's been proven that we can't just madly punt the ball inside 50 without it going *twang* straight down the other end, but some sort of pace on it might help. Can't be worse than what we've been doing until now.

There's something to be said for not yet having Lever and May on the ground at the same time this year, but unless they're going to save about 10 opposition goals a game they can't be the difference. They could help keep the score down to a level that we might cover, but you can't cover shit with six goals a game. I don't see why you'd play May forward instead of McDonald (yes, that again) but he may eventually insist on having a go just to give some other bastard the joy of watching their hard defensive work repeatedly go up in smoke seconds later.

May got plenty of the ball (and how could you not in our defence?) but still looked a bit ropey. Their first goal came from a smother after he made it ridiculously obvious that he was going to thump the ball long down the boundary line. It's a fair bet that's what we're going to do at any time, but this also involved the most obvious wind-up of all time before the kick.

At the other end, van Rooyen was marking like he'd dipped his arms in dishwashing liquid but I stand by my contentious claims that we've absolutely massacred him in the last year. I understood why people were ready to riot when the idea of recruiting Taylor Walker for a couple of seasons was raised (and yes, he followed some spicy racist gear with the worst apology video of all time but we're just talking footy here), but after seeing JVR, Fritsch and [rotating cast of third forwards] sink like a stone I wish we'd found somebody experienced to give them a hand and take some of the heat away. Somebody to do a similar job to Melksham, who might be on his last legs but can walk into the side and instantly know how to play his position. None of these people can change tings on their own though, and dare I pull out the ultimate Goodwin cliche, the 'connection' was shithouse.

In defence of Fritsch after a rotten start to the year, and having not done much at the end of 2024, this was his best game for the year. Still nowhere near his best but some progress I suppose. Maybe it was the reintroduction of Pickett, whose provides the same service to our forward line as the needle to Uma Thurman's chest in Pulp Fiction. Fritsch still didn't kick any goals, and at this point I'd take cheap handballs into the square to get things moving. The commentators who slaughtered him for being selfish at one point obviously didn't see the bit last week where he and Petracca politely stood aside and let the ball bounce. It's the same level of reaching for the Big Book O' Melbourne Cliches as when they say we'll fancy our chances of beating Freo at the MCG like it's the late 90s and they haven't easily beaten us there twice in a row. 

I'd like to have supported the Fox commentary, but was happy to maintain the rage against their excessively large scoreboard once it was clear BT wasn't involved in the Channel 7 call. If we ever win another game I might watch both versions to make sure no memorably shit commentary goes unreported. That's if 7 ever shows us again, after yet another boring as batshit free-to-air performance I they're probably trying to on-sell the rights for our games to Optus Vision.

Pickett didn't kick a goal either but he just gave us a bit of life in the forward line and on the ball. He is welcome to jump the queue and be the first to announce he's staying no matter what, but I don't know why anyone would do that until there's some certainty about the future.

Still, in spite of our god awful attacking efforts, missed Geelong opportunities and some desperate defence meant that it was still one goal apiece late in the quarter. Nice throwback to the last year, when the Cats were the last victims of our classic brand of football terrorism. I was happy to destroy the experience for non-MFC viewers and make it to the first break like that. Hardly likely to win like that, but better than being 46-0 down. Then they went through us like an open door and found Dangerfield on his own inside 50. 

It must be nice when you can recruit a top player at the peak of his powers, get everything possible out of him as a midfielder, then just roll him forward to kick a few goals in his dotage. Otherwise known as Petracca's career path when he's playing for Carlton or Collingwood. Speaking of, the Double DemonTime goal we conceded straight away came after he got the first touch out of the middle, which says a lot about how we're going at the moment. There are good players trying hard and doing decent things, but not enough of them, and without any hope of regularly scoring if we do get the ball. I know nobody wants to be playing like this, but word 'pus' springs to mind.

Meanwhile, for a venue that is guaranteed national TV coverage about 11 times a year, Kardinia Park has the most tinpot collection of fence sponsors since the MCG used to advertise BANANAS in the early 90s. If anyone from whatever Bisinella is reads this, please appreciate that the slogan "your key to the community" is burnt into my brain. The real key to this joint is a shitload of government money, but that's what you get by representing an actual geographical area (see also Footscray being given the Western Oval for free) instead of a general, heartland-free region. If bikie union delegates are going to sweep up taxpayer money anyway somebody may as well get a community asset out of it.

After quarter time (about five minutes of Geelong threatening to blow the doors off) we got our once vaunted contested game going and it became a bit of a stalemate. Better than the alternative, but that second goal before the break did us no favours. I remember coming back from seven goals down to win and clubbing them by 80 points within a few weeks, now the only hope of shocking the world was to drag the game down from spectacle, to slog, beyond World War I style trench warfare, and back to something resembling prehistoric man's struggle for survival.

It was going so (relatively) well, that even after they pulled back one of our surprise consecutive goals we belted out of the middle for Langford to reply. More Langford please, and the less said about the questionable decisions to start him as sub on debut, then drop him the better. It's sunrise/sunset, as he arrives while Viney is looking less likely than ever to impact a game. Even as a 'keep the band together at all costs' fanatic, I think we might have been rolled into giving him such a lengthy contract extension. Fingers crossed for a heart-warming comeback where he forcibly barges us to a win. And if not, he's done enough not to have an entire career judged on this fakakta season.

At first I was also fretting about Gawnism ending in the same place where it had achieved 'organised religion' status 10 years ago. There was a dropped mark at the start that had me nervously adjusting the collar and starting to sweat, and while this wouldn't be in his top 100 games the great man willed his way into making some sort of difference. Well done to the coach on making it two weeks without unnecessarily discussing Maximum's personal business in public.

For a few minutes at the end of the second quarter we were on top, but missed a couple of crucial shots to keep the margin to something that might believably be overturned if all the Geelong players got the squirts again. There was a lucky escape when Jeremy Cameron forgot that he was one of the great goalkickers of modern times and missed a set shot snap from 20 metres out. Then just when you thought we'd safely navigated to half time Petty gave away an after the siren free for vigorously abseiling off Dangerfield. I've got a near-fanatical belief in him as our long-term full back but christ he's had a few moments this season. But who hasn't? Only Judd McVee, Shane McAdam and anybody else untainted by everything that's happened since the North practice match.

Our chances of making it interesting were helped by Turner goalling after a Pickett pass that was the equivalent of seeing a rainbow over the scene of a natural disaster. It's described here as "ugly but effective" so maybe I was just fanging for any Kysaiah content and was just happy that one of our forwards held a mark. If there was any time for the Goody '25 masterplan to click and swing in like a pirate to save us this was it, but instead there were just another few minutes of fruitless attack while Geelong always seemed to be about three kicks from scoring. I had 0.0% faith that we'd get close enough to scare them, much less find a winning score. We didn't even end up with a decent losing score, but didn't get thrashed so I suppose that's something. 

While the margin was still manageable under normal circumstances we obviously weren't going to win. No chance of premiership points, but we did get odd three quarter time footage of Goodwin doing an exaggerated wink at somebody while doing a backwards-walking version of Partridge's cockney walk. The polite thing to do would be to include the footage of the current event that's being discussed, but it's easier just to copy and paste this and let you imagine what it looked like. 

The only problem is that when I look back on this post in a few years I'll also have NO IDEA what this was referencing. So that's something to look for in the future.

Technically, you never know what might have happened if Fritsch had kicked his set shot at the start. But come on, I think we all secretly knew it would just delay the inevitable. Didn't matter because he's gone full Pegleg Pete and missed. It's not as easy as "get him marks closer to goal and profit" but if we could get him marks closer to goal...

My suspicion that we didn't have a rampant finish in us was confirmed when we only kicked two more behinds by the end. On 2025 pace conceding five goals - including one to somebody who looked like Kryten from Red Dwarf in a black wig - was only a minor collapse It wasn't the sort of life-altering humiliation I'd expected, but may as well have been for all the good it did our season. I'll just keep going for the rest of the season and see how long it takes to accidentally say something contentious that ends up in the papers.

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal
5 - Tom McDonald
4 - Christian Petracca
3 - Clayton Oliver
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Kysaiah Pickett

Apologies to Bowey, May, and Melksham

Leaderboard
Some normality returns to the board as our four time winner recaptures the lead. Does he deserve it? Well, nobody else does so someone's got to be in first place. He's nowhere near his all-time peak but a falling sea drops all boats, so we wish Clayton all the best on his quest to snatch a fifth Jako and a nice farm on the Surf Coast. 

9 - Clayton Oliver
7 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Xavier Lindsay (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Christian Petracca
5 - Jake Bowey (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Kade Chandler, Harvey Langford, Tom McDonald (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
2 - Jake Lever, Christian Salem
1 - Kysaiah Pickett, Harry Sharp, Tom Sparrow

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It's Langford again (I think he won last week, CBF checking), but Windsor is still the overall leader.

Next Week
The defence of our ex-first round pick begins in an unimaginative rematch of the first Gather Round against Essendon at Adelaide Oval. By next year we'll either be playing at, or against Sturt, but this would be the most boring fixture of all time if not for a) the drafting implications, and b) the fact that we might be able to set Essendon fans off into a Carlton-esque coach sacking bloodlust with an upset win. 

Last time we drew about 5000 to this game but got partial credit for a crowd of 33,832 due to it being a double header. This time we're the alleged main event, several hours after Carlton will either have left us behind as the worst Victorian team in the competition or done something double piss funny and lost to West Coast. If that happens the cleaners won't have enough time between games to mop up the blood and vom stained aisles before a few thousand masochists wander in to watch us struggle to a paltry score. Eight months ago we beat them with 13 goals, in the wet, without Gawn. If we kick 13 goals in the dry, with or without Gawn I'll be flabbergasted. 

We could still win, but it's getting to the point in the 2007 repeat where they've got to send our stress level through the roof by losing a couple of thrillers. I'm still waiting for the apology for that outrageous James McDonald deliberate decision against Port but after re-reading that post I'm pleased to say that I've matured and no longer feel like sitting against a tree and crying over footy results. That would involve going outside.

In the spirit of celebrating our demise by doing wild shit, it's my pleasure to report that Poor Old Tom Fullarton kicked five goals in the Reserves and in the absence of anything else to get excited over, I'm harnessing the POTFmentum and taking him to Adelaide. Buggered if I know what role he plays alongside Turner and van Rooyen, but in the spirit of appointing Choke Yourself With A Tie as our interim senior coach when the dust settles, let's die laughing. 

Otherwise, based on nothing other than reviewing VFL stats where nothing else stands out it's probably time to give Laurie another spin, and whether he knows how to play or reward Kynan Brown for having more tackles than anyone else but starting him in any position other than substitute. Fark, I don't care. Celebrate Deakyn Smith's return to Casey by picking him as if he was still on our senior list, it's not like we're going to have any premiership points to hand back.

IN: Brown, Fullarton, Laurie, Lever
OUT: Henderson, Sharp, Spargo (omit)
LUCKY: Fritsch, Rivers, van Rooyen, Viney
UNLUCKY: Any fit person on the list

Final thoughts
Here's a preview of what we've got coming up for the rest of the season on Demonblog.com:
* Unconvincing defence of the coach
* Demands to play Tom McDonald forward
* Baffling references to the time Lt. Frank Drebin pretended to be Enrico Palazzo 
* Unhelpful comparisons to past seasons
* Grudging acceptance that the good times are over
* Sad reminiscing about players at their peak
* An offer for Goodwin to visit the Towers, watch a replay of the Grand Final on my couch and cry together
* Alternating understanding and outrage at players doing a runner
* Cheap potshots at the media
* Even less convincing suggestions that this is a one off and we'll be back in 2026

(What's The Backstory) Mourning Glory?

I don't buy the idea that everything would be ok if we had a coach who yelled at players more, but our struggles over the last fortnight bring to mind that great motivational speech, "You climb obstacles like old people fuck!" Now we're in a giant mess, accompanied by the sound-barrier shattering noise of Melbourne FC's relevance to 2025 going out the window. Where else would you rather be? Other than an explosively decompressing jumbo jet over the Atlantic Ocean.

Remember when we used to win games with scores like 8.14.62? There are a few posts in the 2022-2024 region with the theme of 'happy to get the points, not sure this is sustainable', and indeed it wasn't. Things started falling apart after the memorable last stand against Geelong, not even pausing at the miserable on-field ending of the season before various big names were only held back from scaling the wall to freedom by long-term contracts. Which, and sorry if this comes as a surprise to any players, is sort of the point.

Despite everything that went wrong last year, 2025 offered good prospects for a reboot. If you cynically focused on the narrow losses last year instead of multiple high-profile implosions we weren't that bad. Now good players were back from injury, failed positional switches had been corrected, and multiple top draft picks had arrived. Even with the sour end of the GWS game, there was a strong enough combination of good signs and excuses to make you think things might just turn out alright.

So anyway, two weeks later the guy who once kicked six blessed goals in a Grand Final dropped a simple mark that would have at best kept us within range at three quarter time, then scrambled for a loose ball on the ground like an old man whose shopping bag had just burst, before said ball rocketed down the other end for a goal. It lacks the 'picture that defines an era' quality of this classic, but says everything you need to know about the direction we're headed in this year.

For all the scorn poured on the AFL, giving us consecutive home games against teams with no fans was an accurate prediction of Melbourne's trajectory. I don't know what it does for the game to deliberately have two empty looking stadiums in a row. Maybe tell the MCC to open the upper deck that can seen on TV instead of the hidden one? Maybe neither party gives a rats because games like this are there to be endured until lucrative meetings between popular sides come along.

Given the intensity of our collapse against North, I'm surprised this game had a bigger crowd than Round 1. As no self-respecting neutral would be seen dead at either, it means we've got a lot of Grand Prix fanatics, or Riverdance: The Post Goal Musical wasn't the draw they thought it was. Fair to say a lot less people were in attendance at the final siren this time. Relegation to the all-new graveyard slot of 1.20pm Saturday meant it was over early, but anyone who stayed to the end of this grim, miserable, slopfest without publicly disgracing themselves should get a personalised thank you from the club. 

No handwritten apology for me, as I was unavoidably occupied by [none of your business]. Won't pretend to feel guilty, consider it moral payback for all the live excitement I've missed in recent years. It's got nothing to do with expecting a five goal loss, if I'm going to suffer I'd rather it be in person. What if my presence had somehow affected the atmosphere, changing the cause of history and leading us to a thumping win that set us on the road to glory? Sorry about that. Can I instead offer you a disappointing thrashing from a side we hadn't lost to in 11 years (admittedly, with near-misses in 2016, 2019, and 2023)? 

More lifeless defeat was an appropriate end to another wacky week of following Melbourne. The fun started with Simon Goodwin's all-time classic press conference after the North disaster, responding to a question about Gawn's performance with an answer that will live in infamy. In launching a defence that wasn't required or wanted, the coach made it sound like some sort of deep dark secret was about to be revealed, kicking off a brief but memorable media frenzy. 

Just when you were worried that our captain had taken an idea from [deleted on legal advice, but it's still on his Wikipedia page all these years later] and flopped his chop outside Elsternwick Post Office, the matter was revealed to be a long-term illness affecting somebody close to him. That's no good for anyone involved (and also none of our business), but had also been a thing the previous week when Gawn was our best player. God knows why it needed to be raised then, other than as a panic reaction to facing the music after our worst loss in years.

The 'loose lips sink premierships' incident might have been relegated to a weird footnote in history if that loss shocked us back to life. Instead, for the second week in a row we were blown to strands of DNA by a team who - on paper - should not have been allowed to win that easily. Farewell to our longest unbeaten streak, and unless you think University can still avenge nine consecutive losses to us, the new unbeaten streak leader is eight wins and a draw in a row against Hawthorn. And fat chance of that surviving beyond Round 9.

Speaking of Hawthorn, for all the internal pain of watching our season crash out on the first corner I've got a perverse fascination in their evolution from what looked like rank amateurs against us to premiership contenders. I guess they refined the 'chip, chip, chip, chip, kick into a nothing happening forward line, watch it go the other way' style we've now adopted with the religious fervour of the mad bastards who crucify themselves for Easter.

One of these clubs is now the glamour side of the competition. The other is Melbourne, who have entered a backwards race with Carlton to see who can annoy their fans the most. Thank god we got something out of our brief time at the top, because I bet Blues fans who were snippy about us winning a flag in offbeat circumstances would self-mutilate for a bit of that action now. Now the race is on to see which board will crack first. 

We've got recent success going for us, but they haven't lost back-to-back games by 10 goals to emerging (e.g. haven't done anything for years) teams, but obviously Carlton will sack their coach first. Firstly, he's never won anything, and more importantly they live for bloodlust. If he does get the boot Michael Voss may be the lucky one. Obvious wounded pride and definitive end to senior coaching career aside, he'll bank a generous payout and head directly back to the media. On the other hand, I fear our only living premiership coach will be forced to put an increasingly strained brave face on things while he's dragged through toxic waste for the rest of the season.

As bad as the last two weeks have been, I don't know what you're going to gain from upending everything now. At the same time, you can't go on like this forever so keep your Coaching Chaos bingo card nearby. I predict journalists will start with phrases like "the club will wrap their arms around him", before switching to saying "untenable" a few weeks later when there's blood in the water.

We could always come back from the dead and make this gloomy post look absurd. If you're reading in the future I'd like it known that compared to the way many people were carrying on, my tone is positively inspirational. I stop at indulging any comparison to Brisbane winning the flag from 0-3 last year. What about the 999 other teams to do bugger all from the same position? Yes, we made finals from this spot in 2006, but the third of those losses was by five points and involved goal umpiring scandal. With 20 games left anything could happen, but if this year ends with us even close to finals my jaw will drop so far I'll be mistaken for a pelican.

Despite clear signals of an impending tits-up shambles in the second half of 2024, I emotionally invested in a revival. Not just for selfish reasons, but because I really wanted the coach to pull back from (what wasn't yet) the brink and stuff success elbow-deep down the throat of his critics. That's looking unlikely, and if things do end badly I want to focus on the time we unleashed 40 minutes of power on the grandest stage, not spiralling to our doom as the pound-for-pound most boring team ever to breathe air.

I don't expect anyone else to be this romantic about the coach, and as long as you can express yourself with basic human decency and respect I'm happy to stand together and silently shake our heads in dismay at how it's all gone wrong. Goodwin also comes across as somebody who'd do better in the club environment than sitting on the couch, so maybe we've got some bullshit Bez-style ceremonial job for him instead of everyone patiently waiting for the footy equivalent of putting the family dog down.

It's getting a bit Daniher '07, hopefully without the club hideously botching the transition and encouraging the coach to quit by making him reapply for his job. Strangely, Neale won nothing and went out to a hero's reception, while the guy who if nothing else kept things together enough to make 2021 possible will depart with people being tremendously rude about him. 

This might be because some of us had gone through an early dump-Daniher phase in 2003, and four years later you could tell the place was burning like buggery with no possible escape. There's still a feeling now that we should be doing better, not helped by the tripe served up in the last two losses, and plenty of time for the situation to either stabilise or completely spiral out of control before there's a change. 

After incorrectly predicting 'Yze by Anzac Day' in 2021, it would be ironic if the only undefeated MFC men's senior coach of all time is the one to pull the plug on his old boss. 

Having said all that, for god's sake no more please about how much players and coaches love each other. The Full Metal Jacket coaching methods of Barassi etc... are never coming back, so if they're happy behind the scenes so am I, but the ongoing effort to point out how happy everyone is doesn't compute with players who seem to have the enjoyment level of that Iraqi soccer team who were forced to kick a concrete ball as punishment for losing. 

They seem to perk up after a goal. Maybe a little too much, because as one correspondent who knows exactly what gets me going pointed out, the scoreworm shows that of the eight times we did what's necessary to win games of Australian Rules, six were followed by the opposition almost immediately responding. That's partly why this was such a slog to watch, but as wasn't as much of a problem in the first half when we were kicking a measly 2.9. 

The less said about the game itself the better. If you're a Gold Coast fan we wish you well (and vigorously hope for a Grand Final against GWS that will torment fans of big Victorian clubs), but in-depth details will be at a minimum. The TL:DR is that we were unsteady from the start, the collapse started during the third quarter, and by the final term the only thing left was a pile of rubble that even looters wouldn't want to touch.

The old possessions galore build-up nearly had an early win, with the ball transferred securely from defence, and after a nice mark Henderson... rolled the last kick along the ground and out of bounds. Our forward line needs work, but John Coleman wouldn't have known how to deal with that. There was another alleged attack that died when Oliver dinked the ball straight to an opponent and you could tell this was going to be a difficult afternoon. 

I'm happy we don't have a first round pick this year (yet...) because it will encourage playing out the season properly instead of strategically folding the tent. Besides, it got us the already impressive Lindsay and oh look he's just done his knee.

This kid might be The Chosen One, because he somehow sidestepped our walk under ladders/smash mirrors/punch gypsy fortune tellers in the face style luck and escaped with only minor damage. But when he was walking off like so many others who weren't seen again for a year I was about to curl into a ball. Now watch him slip on banana mid-rehab and break everything.

With all this going on, conceding the first goal to a needless 50 metre penalty was only a minor disappointment. It kicked off a Mayday May Day, perhaps the worst game he's ever played for us. It didn't help that Lever disappeared from the selected side, but let's be kind and say our best modern defender was rusty after a few weeks off. Like Gawn last week, there's no need to make a big deal of it (even if, in this case he has been fairly/unfairly implicated in legal drama), because he's got years of credit in the bank but lucky the Suns were still not good enough to take full advantage, and Max King kicks set shots like Earl Spalding.

Their second goal also came from a 50, which is how you can tell a team is losing the plot. The first didn't need to happen but was at least adjacent to the play, this was Oliver kicking the ball along the ground after a free because (?). Even in our Kamp Kumbaya atmosphere you'd think he'd be asked to explain this during the review. Maybe Clayts is still upset about Brad Green blabbing to the paper about how he was in tears during their post-saga trade call? How about we set a club goal of not exposing other people's personal business in the media? 

Somewhere around here we actually had a shot. There were plenty more during the first half, but at the time it felt we best get one goal or it might never happen. A set shot also meant a few seconds not worrying about the ball teleporting down the other end where the defence has finally had enough of years after propping everyone else up. I know Foxtel/Kayo has to find four sets of callers on a Saturday now, but saying Kade Chandler is having a "breakout year" after one BOG performance was a bit over the top. He was good last week, and far from the worst in a crowded field here, but this was a Dwayne Russell level of mad hyperbole. 

He missed, the Suns were two goals up and well on top, and you could start preparing footage of that F1 car's wheels randomly falling off. It wasn't a big margin, but with energy levels flatlining on and off-field it felt like (and was) only a matter of time before the Suns pulled away.

It's not all what was left of the forward line's fault, the ball barely ever got down there in the first place. The structure is still completely rooted, and I don't understand dumping Turner after one game. He wasn't very good last week, but any chance of letting the kid settle for a bit? 

Various people assured me that this wasn't a mad abandoning of van Rooyen to Gold Coast's entire defence because Johnson was returning from suspension. I've got no expectations for Evil Nathan Jones other than having a crack and hopefully contributing, but did he impact a single forward contest in this game? This was just a case of looking at somebody's physical attributes and hoping for the best. But, in his defence he, Turner, or anyone else would've struggle to make anything of the way we were going forward.

As we looked more likely to build a grand Egyptian pyramid than craft a goal inside 50, the alternative was for Bowey to casually rip one from long distance. Which was good, but goals like that have to be complimentary to traditional ones or you'll only get eight per week and by the end of the year the member seats will be full of skeletons wearing Melbourne scarves.  

It was unsafe swings and terrifying roundabouts with the Lindsay injury, because it did allow Melksham to overcome the wishy-wash decision to make him sub and introduce some forward comptency to our team. 

I was prepared to cop the balance between trying to win and regenerate in Round 1, but after two losses you've got to pick a 'trying to win' or 'rebuilding' lane. He's obviously not the future, but can help prop things up while we work out where to go next. You can't tell me he wouldn't have contributed more from the first bounce than Henderson (who, like Johnson, I'm happy to have around but let's have some selection tension for last minute additions to the list) or Fritsch, who hasn't looked less likely to get involved in goals since the year we played him in defence.

We should know better than anyone that a game can miraculously change course at any time, but I couldn't have argued a decent case for us coming back to win this if you put a gun to my head. A missed shot at the end kept the damage down to three goals at quarter time but everything felt off this felt off. Even the Melbourne fan in the DoorDash ad burnt his chicken nuggets.

Whatever was said at quarter time didn't do much for the mood of players who trudged back out there like they were working on a slave labour project (and a couple of them probably do feel like that, albeit the first one ever with a million dollar salary attached) and went on like nothing needed to changed.

After the Lindsay tragedy/scare I was on hyper alert for Langford to suffer some dreadful injury as well. He survived and was (relatively) good, so what was the point of not just giving him a full game last week? Because there was a bunch of players who'd spent so much time in the VFL that there was no point sending them back there again? 

After a quarter and a half without one goal kicked from inside 50, the Bizarre Sub Club combined when Langford set up Melksham with a lovely kick. The latter knew exactly where to run, and aimed true from the set shot, but would still have been scratching his knackers on the bench if not for injury. I don't pretend to understand the deep, inner tactical workings of this game but during an election campaign where the phrase "doesn't pass the pub test" will be worn out, this is my equivalent. 

That's as good as it got before half time, by which point half our side looked ready to hand in their notice and go home rather then be yelled at over the fence by emotionally stunted slobbering losers after the final siren. The solution to low morale is never to hurl abuse into a player's face - unless each of them gets to swat one fan for free per season - but as much as I'd like to provide encouragement through the votes, this is the second week in a row where I couldn't seriously find five players who deserved them. There wasn't even a Chandler style standout this time, so please consider that whoever eventually gets five (and for once I didn't do the votes first then write the rest of the post) was roughly on par with the half of those who scored nil.  

For the second time we were saved on video evidence as a Suns goal was reversed for hitting the post. It lacked the same flavour as when it happens to a Victorian team and they cut to some anti-social freak doing their rag in the face of undeniable technological evidence. Our lunatic fringe were probably warming up a spot of final siren feedback by now, and while we need all the members we can get I'm prepared to make some exceptions. The club should park someone down there with an EFTPOS machine offering membership refunds in exchange for signing legal documents promising not to come back for the rest of the season.

There was a breakthrough in the Fritsch disappearance when he had two shots. They both missed, but we were still one functional forward line from being in this. The defenders and mids were no good, but you can cover up so much by locking the ball in your half. Preferably long enough that the opposition loses puff and can't just wipe goals out directly from the middle.

The loss to GWS might be a turning point, but the real genesis of this fiasco was Pickett flattening Darcy Moore seven months ago. You can argue the suspension (and three games felt excessive but you're living in Cloud Cuckoo Land to think he was ever going to get off) but he adds so much that I refuse to believe the conditions exist for 110 points of losses to middling teams with him in the side. I'm not putting it all on him to come back and save us now, but it would be nice.

It helps not playing Gold Coast at the MCG often, but this was the first time they've beaten us there since the names on jumper trial that didn't go anywhere. I thought it was the same day the Suns were rebranded by Gerard Healy and old mate waved the white flag but was conflating multiple shizen results in front of a handful of people. For all the hanging shit on our crowds, this was nearly as much as both those games combined. Which is not a defence of what we got now, but a reminder of how much worse it could be.

At the start of the third quarter there was still an outside chance of avoiding defeat. We survived several minutes of the Suns attacking without reward before Sharp made them pay. This lasted longer than some of our goals, until Billings wasted risking total paralysis by ducking into a tackle that the umpire wasn't fooled by. That led directly to one goal, indirectly to the other, and we were worse off than when the quarter started.

You already knew where this was going, but there was a bonus pisstake when King outmarked May and got away with a stupid play-on from close range that could have bounced anywhere else except through the goals. He then got a normal one through a mark and May was having the worst homecoming since Vietnam veterans were spat on.

Goals were so rare they're worth mentioning individiually, but I can't remember who get the next one because the focus instantly turned to giving it back. Petracca kicked a nice snap (after playing on and having to push past an opponent), and we tried bloody hard to let them wipe this out quickly like the rest of them. The centre clearance was lost and after taking an intercept mark Rivers got run down - yes this did happen with a different player/opponent/venue last week because we're in shambles. They missed this golden opportunity to lay the boots in, allowing Chandler to get one that made it slightly interesting.

Cue several minutes of attack which might have culminated in Fritsch's mark, at a distance/angle that would have likely cut the margin to 24 at three quarter time. Still not good, but enough to hope for a miracle. He wank-handed it, and everybody else must have turned their back expecting a set shot, because in the space of 20 seconds the ball was down the other end with a Suns player casually wandering into an open goal.

Obviously he kicked it after the siren, but I'm more upset about our missed opportunity. It's quaint that we're still going with the quarter not ending until siren acknowledged by umpire when "did ball hit foot before siren?" should be the second easiest review behind "was a big spike detected on the post as the ball crossed the line?" Nobody cares because it made no difference to the result in an anonymous game, but stand-by for the massacre when this happens in a marquee match. This is all I've got left to live for in 2025, anti-Victorian Grand Finals and hoping for fans of other clubs to be outraged. Basically the footy equivalent of Russia interfering in an election.

During the week I threatened to drink turpentine if we were already at the stage of playing Petty forward in Round 3, and the Poisons Information Line nearly got a run when this was our great death or glory move for the last quarter. 

As the Suns piled on goals he was busy not doing much before spending the last eight minutes on the bench, but I think it was his kick to the advantage of Fritsch or Petracca that they both politely left for the other one. You know Fritsch is off when he's not going for everything.

I'm an unashamed Tom McSizzle fanatic, but what has he done to be banned from ever going forward again? Did he not kick two goals when we were dying in the arse against Freo last year? Might want to end his attacking career with that memory, not floating upside down in the sea like everyone else who's been in our forward line recently.

Langford kicked a good goal. Safe to assume we gave it straight back, and the rest of the afternoon was just sad ebbing towards a near 10 goal loss. The Suns fans in attendance were loving it, and I assume the streets of the Gold Coast were empty as fans sat glued to the screen. I'd say this might be the old 'two teams passing in opposite directions' that I wasn't prepared to declare last week, except the Suns have form for looking good early in the year then spontaneously combusting.

I took to this garbage with the right "it's only a game" spirit, but there was a tell-tale Neeld-esque twitching eye during the last quarter, and at full time my feelings were eaten through an offensively sloppy burger so it'll be a miracle if I lived to publish this. 

That brings us neatly to the miracle that will be required to salvage anything from this season. I'm trying to convince myself that it's too early to be dramatic, but also spent a lot of the last day thinking about where this side sits against some of our other recent duds. More evidence required, but at the time of writing I say they'd beat 2008-2009 and 2012-2015, lose against 2017 or 2019, with 2007, 2010-2011, and 2016 too close to call.

I'm usually suspect about AI, but put Twitter's version to the test and asked it to judge a hypothetical 2007 vs 2025 game. Surprisingly it spun up a detailed and sensible analysis rather than encouraging me to do a racism, and according to them this year's team would win 14.10.94 to 8.9.57, but "the 2007 Demons could snag an upset if Neitz fired". Hard to argue. 

The next test was for it to summarise this game in the style of Demonblog.com. It was mostly standard 'excited sports report' but with enough of my overused novelty terms to make you think Skynet will be in charge before long. If the weapons are going to become self-aware and launch global thermonuclear war is to too much to ask for a delay until we've had one more quality win in the state of Victoria?

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal
5 - Harvey Langford
4 - Jake Bowey
3 - Ed Langdon
2 - Clayton Oliver
1 - Harry Sharp

Apologies to nil

Leaderboard
Take a screenshot of this, you'll never see a wackier leaderboard again. I don't know if Oliver deserves to be one vote off the lead, but if this was done on merit there would only be about five players listed. Bowey floats to the top amongst the defenders, Langford jumps into the Rising Star race with what's hopefully the least memorable of his career BOGs, and let's see if we can get some really odd players onto this list by the end of the year.

7 - Xavier Lindsay (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
6 - Clayton Oliver
5 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Kade Chandler, Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Harvey Langford
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Jake Lever, Christian Salem
1 - Harry Sharp, Tom Sparrow

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Bowey in the first quarter because it came when we looked like never kicking another one again. If Windsor hasn't yet been consumed by whatever flesh-eating virus he got from Round 1, let him know he's still the overall leader.

Next Week
Just when you think things can't get any worse, it's off to a ground we're always putrid at, to play a side that will not just do the polite thing and piss off to the bottom of the ladder for a few years. It's the 10th anniversary of when we won after I tipped us to lose by 102, let's have some more of that. Geelong has also lost their last two games, but at a standard light years ahead of the twin-turds we've punched out recently.  

In 2019, I deluded myself that various wins in the first half of the season were a turning point but you've got to have the wins first. The idea of plucking out a rare win at Kardinia Park is so ridiculous that I can't even force myself to imagine how it might happen. You never know. But you sort of do. I predict a mind-alteringly bad result and will be extremely happy just to escape with our dignity intact.

The first change speaks for itself, Pickett is unsuspended (for as long as that lasts), and I'd play him this week even if he comes down with the plague. He can't be expected to save us single-handedly, but will add much-needed zing to a side playing like they're under heavy sedation. If fit, Lever is also an automatic selection, as we try to squeeze the last bit out of air from his great partnership with May.

Dropping Turner after one game then not rewarding VFL form is just the sort of stupid thing we'd do, but even if I don't think he'll be the difference between losing by a little and a lot, I'll blow up if he's not selected. Perhaps controversially, I'm making way for him and for Melksham to start, by giving Fritsch the week off. No need for the humiliation of playing a Reserves game against Watsonia on a gravel field, just have a week off, put your hair up, and let's see if we can work out how to recapture the old magic again after that?

And assuming Windsor is still hooked up to a drip and/or in an iron lung, I'll also have Laurie for Billings because, unlike Melksham, in this case the experienced player isn't adding much so you may as well have another crack at getting the kid going. Maybe the last crack, but I don't see much in the VFL stats to excite. Whether he deserves it or not Kynan Brown must get one full AFL game to make up for playing as sub twice, and otherwise you've got Adams if a defender is needed. And Poor Old Tom Fullarton watch fans will be pleased to see that he kicked three, so the comeback of the century could be on there.

Geelong by plenty.

IN: Laurie, Lever, Melksham, Pickett, Turner
OUT: Billings, Fritsch, Howes (omit), Henderson (to sub), Lindsay (inj)
LUCKY: Billings, Johnson, Rivers, Viney
UNLUCKY: Adams, Fullarton

Final thoughts
I'm getting ready for the big test of what it will take me to get genuinely angry post-premiership. At the moment I'm just sadly watching it all go wrong. Thank god I was only willing to buy into us being a fringe finals team, people who tried to manifest a top four finish with good feelings must be in therapy.

Disarray, thataway

So, the game that was meant to pay off last week's near-miss against a premiership contender instead turned into North Melbourne's revenge for blowing multiple golden opportunities against us while at the opposite end of the ladder. In the (probable) words of 1996 MFC Best and Fairest runner-up Al Clarkson, "wildcard, bitches", as they strung us along for three quarters before unleashing a direct nuclear strike in the last quarter.

I don't think it will be remembered as a definitive passing in opposite directions like the oft-cited Hawthorn '07 incident, but it was not good for us. The focus will be on the vigorous raising of white flag in the final quarter, but we'd been uncomfortably crap long before that. The margin was only narrowly more than Footscray last year, but that was end-of-season freefall, this was much worse. For 10 goal early season misery you've got to go all the way back to a slopfest against the Hawks (them again) in Round 4, 2018. At least that came after two wins, now we've dug ourselves a hole that's in danger of expanding into a gaping chasm.

From the 'How well are you going?' Files, sponsored by Tobin Brothers, it only took two rounds to become confused about when a game was being played. All week I thought this was happening on Saturday, before doing a comedy double-take when an extended squad came out. Good thing that clue set me straight or I might have turned up on Saturday afternoon wondering where everyone was. Maybe bad thing, because it would have saved me from coming back the next day and seeing our worst performance in Victoria for years. 

It says something about how (relatively) well we've had it recently that you've got to go back seven years for a depressing early-season blowout. Ironically that happened a week after we'd beaten North for the first time in 18 attempts. Since then we've been the better side, but have still teased a few farcical losses, including last year when I upset randoms by declaring it the worst win ever. The chickens came home to roost in spectacular fashion here, as we did everything possible to send a crowd who have spent years watching their team lose home with the happiest memories they've had since Drew Petrie did a funny walk.

Due to our unconditional surrender and really post-match comments by the coach, there's not going to be much room for niche grievances this week so let me get mine in first. Yes, it's time to go on about seating arrangements again so if you're over that search for the words 'first goal' to skip to the alleged playing of Australian Rules football. 

As the MCG went into full tightwad mode post-COVID I've been more polite to Docklands than almost any Melbourne fan in the last 25 years. It's hard times when the people who pioneered the closing of large segments of the ground to save money end up as the good guys. I'll reluctantly accept the logic of doing this when interstate teams are involved, or back when we'd play unwanted home games there (when both happened at the same time it would have been fair enough if they'd made us sit around the boundary line), but shutting half of level three for a game between even Victorian teams - even low drawing ones - was such a massive extraction of piss that they should've handed out catheters on the way in.

The result of this rubbish was general admission patrons being crammed in like battery hens, crawling across six people to get in/out of rows, having to stand up whenever somebody wanted to go past, and being forced to listen to people who should be exiled from the mainland of Australia talking nonsense. I've reached the point in life where comfort is king so wouldn't have shown up if I knew this was happening. Young people can scoff but this will happen to you eventually. The stadium operators will say this was advertised on their website etc... but what are we doing if you can't expect the full general admission area to be open for an all-Victorian game? 

I know I'm a special case who falls somewhere in the middle of being an active member of society and qualifying for the sensory room, but surely even people who are open human contact thought this was stuipid. The irony of being forced to sit in the back row was not lost on me, but the advantages are lost when you've constantly got people clambering across the fittings behind you while clutching three cans of booze for dear life because it's easier to get in that way than making everyone stand up.

It's hard to explain what triggers me so much about this, but it just feels like such a tight-fisted(forever) approach. You're flogging food at a 1000% markup, give a few more people jobs for the day and play your part in supporting the game instead of acting like ruthless for-profit arseholes. This goes double for a venue controlled by the AFL. I know they'd set both these teams on fire in an instant if they could, but at some point you've got to have a bit of respect for your customers.

Of course this was the day I cranked up the degree of difficulty by bringing a kid along. The good news is that purchasing a ticket meant they sent me a survey asking what the experience was like, the bad news was it meant the poor child who has about 1% interest in footy and just wants to watch people do their block instead got to see me slowly losing the will to live. 

The first leg of the quest was working out what part of the ground we were allowed to enter. Instead of letting people make their own way to level three then blocking off aisles as necessary, they only allowed access to the enchanted kingdom via two ramps. The next had a sign saying "no access to level 3" without any instruction on what to do about that, leaving us wandering around like clowns until finding a frantic ground attendant waving her arms like she was landing planes on an aircraft carrier, shouting out aisle numbers, and probably wondering why her bosses couldn't just put up a bloody sign explaining what was going on.

Now that I think about it, we should have just gone up the unattended ramp and walked around to the legal part of level three from there, but at this stage I still wasn't sure you could get up there at all. By now the game had already started, and that's partially on me for only showing up 20 minutes before the bounce, but the other 99% of this is their fault. By the time we got to aisle 43 I was starting to understand how Burke and Wills felt. Once I got to a seat I was hot, bothered, and if it hadn't taken so long to get there might have turned around and watched on the train. Yes, I acknowledge this is peak 'first world problems' but if we don't fight back in some lame way they'll have us playing home games at Princes Park again soon. 

The big hint that their strategy was a farce was when people behind the goals started to migrate into the wide open spaces of the bay next to them, but staff soon came from every angle to herd them back onto the other side of the tape. Credit then to the heroes at the other end who saw this and shifted across en masse so that by the time the ground staff got there they'd crossed the tipping point of being too big a group to shift. It was a minor version of how they can crash tackle one person running onto the ground but can't do shit when 10,000 do it. It's a shame because Docklands actually do a lot right (e.g. the location, and a ground entry system that shits on the MCG) but after this experience they can either drop dead or blow me.

I was so outraged by all this that I never seriously got into hating the footy. Which is probably lucky. By the time I finally got to a seat North had kicked the first goal (hello readers who skipped the whinging), but van Rooyen was about to respond and all was well with the world. Briefly anyway, because we were clearly not playing well. Last week ended in tragedy but there were moments of beauty, this was almost entirely struggle. It didn't start getting disastrous for about 2.5 quarters, but the signs weren't good early. 

They were having plenty of shots from different sources, while we were encouraging JVR to take on their whole backline every time. I feel bad for the guy, he hasn't done much to start the season but what help is he getting when the ball is being madly heaved down there with no care or concern. He's not completely innocent, he did one tremendous lead into space, got the ball set up for him on a platter and dropped it. Oops.  

I refuse to accept that slow build-ups and switches are going to help us, but the biggest difference between this and the practice match that Clarko probably tanked to lull us into a false sense of security was the lack of Pickett. Of course Harry Sharp wasn't going to kick four goals in a real game, but it's easy to imagine Pickett making life difficult for lesser opponents. Instead, it was springtime for North as they ran around collecting possessions at will. I'm still not sure how we were in front at quarter time but it might have been better to trail and get a wakeup call. If you believe that would have changed anything. Previous experience says we'd probably have lost by less if five goals down at quarter time after launching an ultimately futile panic mode comeback.

Nobody on our list is on the same continent as Pickett, but I appreciated Kade Chandler trying his best to fill the void. He couldn't do the crumb, but kicked a couple of set shots, put good defensive pressure on, and generally played his best game yet. Maybe it just looked better because other than Oliver nobody else did bugger all. I'm going to have a wild time handing out votes this week.

Spoiler alert - Gawn won't be amongst them After a fine performance against the Giants, he was comfortably beaten here. Which is fine, he's been up for the vast majority of the last decade so I'm not going to hold one ordinary game against him. Considering what he's done I probably wouldn't hold 15 against him. I'm sure everyone would have all moved on with their lives safe in the knowledge that we'll have to stop relying on him to save us eventually, before the coach got all philosophical and weird in the press conference.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but the question felt like an attempt to bait the coach and he jumped in feet first. Instead of playing a straight bat and saying words to the effect of "he had a down day, so did everyone else, we'll work on it", Goodwin went off on one about things "going on", and how there's a "backstory" for the performance. There might be, but unless a ripper of a story is about to break and he was trying to get ahead of it, I don't see what this did other than make thousands of people who don't waste their time on AFL press conference stick their head up and go "huh?"

At first, I thought he was alluding to some sort of maltreatment during the game. This is known in the industry as the 'Sir Ben Kingsley Defence'

But if Max had been groped, prodded, gouged, or rabbit punched we'd have seen footage by now. So, at the time of writing we have no idea whether he's got a major life challenge or the washing machine flooded his house overnight. Thoughts are with him either way. 

I've deliberately not looked for any clues about what's going on because a) it's none of my business, and b) this is the kind of situation where dickheads validate their disappointing lives by making up crazy shit that bozos swallow without question. 

For god's sake can we not publicly resolve this issue until I publish this post so it doesn't need rewrites? I've barely got time for first draft editing at the moment. "Maybe reign it in a few thousand words and stop complaining about having to sit next to people" I hear you say. "No" I reply. That's the enjoyable bit, it's discussing the actual playing of footy that weighs things down. Good thing I know rock all about tactics because it saves us about 4000 words a week.

I know we're lacking depth - see last week's debutante extravaganza - but even before he was injured Charlie Spargo hadn't done anything since blowing the lid on Ricky Nixon's fake premiership merchandise scam, so what was the undue haste to throw him back into the side off the back of one VFL practice match? My theory that Chandler does the same things better took a bit of a hit last year, but bad timing for Charleston to show up just as his rival (in my eyes anyway) had his best day. He's a contributor, but I don't know if we'd have been hurt by letting him bubble up in the Reserves for a couple of weeks.

The backline looked a lot more prone to collapse this week, but that's not surprising when North has better key forwards than a Hogan-less GWS. And if we let the ball get down there quickly before our talls defenders can set up then other sides are off to the races. It would help to keep the ball inside our forward 50 for more than five seconds at a time, and no I'm not just copying slabs of text from last year when we had the exact same problem. 

Remember when garbage bin enthusaist Greg Stafford got the sack and people thought all our forward woes were going to mysteriously resolve? He'd be pissing himself laughing at home watching this because nothing has changed. I'm still ready to fight anyone anywhere to defend the legacy of the premiership, but any doubt now about the importance of Ben Brown to that structure? He was fit for about five minutes with us but they sure came at the right time. 

Now it's amateur hour and I don't blame van Rooyen for not being able to do it all on his own. Jefferson might have blown the record books up last week but he's still awkward, with Turner included the first quarter was mostly them running into each other.  Eventually one of these collisions left Jefferson with a busted hand and the moral highground of leaving while we were in front and everyone else being responsible for what happened next. If we're dead and buried by the time May comes back then persist with him, and definitely give him more chances throughout the year, but I'm convinced that having McDonald down there (Melksham too?) would help - as they say - straighten things up while we've still got a pulse.

Other than Oliver, the midfield was obliterated. Viney's first two weeks make me nervous and I don't fancy Langdon in the centre at all. I'd like to remind you that at this point we were still winning. It didn't feel sustainable though. At the same time Brisbane was demonstrating how a good side can mow down an upstart challenger after giving away a start, but when was the last time we were an indisputably good side? Probably the fantastically grimy win over Geelong that briefly made you think everything was going to turn out alright before conceding six goals to nil in the first quarter a few days later. 

I desperately wanted to believe that we could continue to win by being boring but how many times did we hold opponents to reasonably low scores and still lose in the last two years? We've had some quality wins by strangulation, but I agree that it's not easy to win like this all the time. And what did we do to sizzle up an attack that was going to be without its most electric player for the first three games? Zilch. No idea if it's a good long term move, but I respect North for signing Jack Darling when they already had two tall forwards who have been outperforming the rest of the team for years.  I hope he thinks fondly of us for not drafting him due to going on a sex romp, because otherwise we'd probably be lamenting his disappointing #fistedforever era career and counting down Lucas Cook 300.  

As you may have noticed I'm a long-term Tom McSizzle fanatic, but playing on with an opponent right behind him was the opening ceremony of the rot. We'd already come back from quarter time trailing them all over the ground, and though that free kick missed, Oliver gave away a 50 and we were left wobbling until three quarter time when everything fell over. There were a few good minutes, including goals to Chandler and Oliver, but were we ever likely to stop them scoring long enough to win? Doesn't look like it now, but stranger things have happened. Getting the ball would have been a start. 

When pondering the changes last week I rudely forgot Daniel Turner existed, and he didn't offer any signs of life for the first half here. He finally had a shot here that he unconvincingly celebrated wobbling it through from not much of angle before it was overturned by another off-air video review. I dispute the need for replays to try and be certain that the ball deviated off somebody's fingernail, but fair enough enough overturning this when they've technology to prove it hit the post. Any chance of sensors/vibrating anal beads that can alert umpires to call a review, instead of wasting everyone's time having players return the middle first? 

If it's purely so Channel 7 can get a free ad in between 'goal' and withdrawal, can they activate the beads on Saturday only? I'm patiently hanging out for the day somebody thinks they've won a game on the siren before they're interrupted with bad news halfway through the victory lap. When it happens in a Grand Final (and I'm reasonably sure now that we won't be involved) don't forget who predicted the carnage.

When Gawn followed the goals by storming inside 50 a'la Perth '21 I thought we might be about to take off, until 0.5 seconds later when his wonky kick missed by miles. Never mind, as long as we don't do something stupid like letting the ball go straight down the other end for a goal eh? We still had chances but they were like pushing shit uphill, including Henderson's low snap towards what would have been an open goal if it wasn't for the North defender standing in the way. More astute analysts may want to nominate Charlie Comben as a prospective Kingsley, but his induction was helped by feeding him non-stop intercept marks because we had NFI how to craft goals.

In the future, everyone will remember this era for Gawn, Oliver, Petracca etc... but nobody represents our brief period as a good team better than Jake Bowey. He turned up just as things were about to exploded, played in a flag before losing, won his first 17 games... and has gone 23-23 since. And has he really improved that much in that time? By enormous default he and Salem were probably amongst our 'best' players here, but both are treading water. Sadly for Bowey, he only had one recorded clanger all but it was a ripper, storming through the middle of the ground and kicking it straight into a group of North players, with the ball helpfully sitting up for them to rocket it back down the other end for a goal. 

By the time Woewodin surprised himself with how high the ball came back to him after bouncing and cost another, we were all but dead. The only hope was for a throwback to those great days when North used to blow big leads in the last quarter. Not against us though, and if you thought the bouncing disaster summed up the day perfectly then let me introduce you to the opening bounce of the final quarter. Gawn got his hand on it first in the ruck, and even after North got the clearance it was intercepted by Petty. Who played on disastrously, causing us to turn a hit out and an intercept mark for into a goal against. That takes some skill.

Staying to the end of 186 earns me the right to flounce out once every few years, so once the third goal in as many minutes went through I'd had enough. On almost every other day I'd have taken my medicine, stayed until the end, and shuffled glumly through joyous opposition fans. This time I haven't had a decent night's sleep in six months and may be going a little bit bonkers so there was no need not to catch the early train. Fortunately, technological advances mean that I could still watch us being ruthlessly pounded. I think it topped out at six goals in six minutes, but they were nice enough to pull up there. It was their version of that game less two years ago when we only missed beating them by 100+ (don't forget the trivia question about Schache and Grundy as teammates, I'm sure it will be relevant one day) after slamming on the brakes in the last few minutes.

Other than that night we've struggled to beat them recently so I'm no surprised that they finally got us, just at the scale of the collapse. Whether North go on with it, or this is their version of us thrashing Sydney in 2010 is none of my business, but the alleged 'easy draw' that some people wanted to tank for at the end of last year means we get a shot at redeeming this disaster in ? May it be a repeat of when King Harley Race and the Eagles jumped us last year before a correction in the rematch 

This was an unspeakably putrid performance, but as the process of getting to a seat had already popped a valve in my brain so I didn't take it nearly as badly as I would have in the past. Life goes on. For about another month, then I'll probably chuck dignity out the window and start sulking.

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal
5 - Kade Chandler
--- A bit of distance ---
4 - Clayton Oliver
--- Immense distance---
3 - Xavier Lindsay
--- A bit more distance ---
2 - Christian Salem
--- Couldn't make a legitimate case for anyone so I outsourced this ---
1 - Jake Bowey

Leaderboard
Congratulations to Chandler, who had the good fortune to play well in a slopfest before the usual suspects really get going. And he would've grabbed the most unexpected lead in this competition since Kyle Cheney got five votes on debut in Round 1, 2009 until Lindsay came along to vault into first place. He wasn't nearly as good as last week but led our tackles, which either says something good about him or bad about everyone else. 

7 - Xavier Lindsay (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
5 - Kade Chandler, Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
4 - Clayton Oliver
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Jake Lever (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender), Christian Salem (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender)
1 - Jake Bowey, Tom Sparrow

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The Oliver one on the run was nice, but I'm going for Turner from the set shot as an encouragement award. He fails to dislodge mystery infection victim Windsor from the clubhouse lead.

Next Week
The glamour matches just keep on coming, as we welcome Gold Coast and their new 1970s British TV station logo to the MCG. Thanks to natural disasters, they've played one game three weeks into the season so god only knows what's going to happen. The only certainty is the stadium will be empty but everyone outside the AFL/MCC will probably be stuffed into one confined space like the Black Hole of Calcutta. Not me, two straight weeks of live games is as much as I'm ever going to get these days and I'll be otherwise occupied so it's partially my fault when we're subject to public humiliation about crowd size.

I'd love to unleash carnage at selection, but who are you going to bring in? I'll make the wild, baseless assumptions that Windsor will recover from 'TBC' status and May won't, because you can pump antibiotics into an infected foot but not a wonky throat. Nothing jumps out from the VFL stats, except that the Poor Old Tom Fullarton backline experiment must be over because he kicked two goals and took the most marks. Maybe he's the shock solution to our forward woes? Maybe I'll win a TV Week Logie Award.

Now that I've decided to champion the cause of Tom Campbell, maybe this is the week that you give Gawn some help instead of making him ruck 95% of the game while [insert whatever the hell Goodwin was talking about here] is going on? And even if he's not the remotest type of forward, if he gets within 10 metres of our mad long bombs inside 50 it'll be twice as close as anyone else. Johnson will come back but just let the guy play forward instead of as a 'just having a crack' second ruck.

I'd like one last crack at Hore before he's filed away as 'depth' (especially because it'll give a chance to bring up that goal against the Suns), and no matter what Langford did in the Reserves they'd be absolute flanges not to give him a start this time. What will actually happen is that they'll pick Billings and Laurie, neither of who will have a serious impact. But how would that distinguish them from anyone else?

IN: Hore, Johnson, Langford, Windsor
OUT: Jefferson (inj), Howes, Spargo, Woewodin (omit)
LUCKY: Bowey, Fritsch, Henderson (to sub), Sharp
UNLUCKY: Campbell

Two games in it's already hard to imagine winning, but it's a good test for everyone who thought GWS had an advantage against us because they'd played the previous week. Here's to their win in the Coast Derby being misleading due to shite opposition, and whatever level of blow torch we get this week inspiring a response. I'll piss myself laughing if we win but am buying White Flag Incorporated shares just in case.

In case you missed it
Some people would celebrate instant fortune by helping the needy, saving furry woodland creatures etc... I'd spend all day reading old newspapers and watching archive footage. Like the recently unearthed tape of Optus Vision's coverage of Merger Night '96, which I spent far too much time reviewing. The coverage is Hawthorn-heavy, mainly because their speeches were happening while our meeting was stuck in the sort of stalemate you only get by booking a criminally (quite literally if you believe in maximum capacity rules and fire codes) undersize venue but it's still worth it for the Hawks meeting featuring both the worst and best speeches in footy history.

Final thoughts
This was as much fun as doing your taxes while being punched in the face by Mike Tyson, but the answer isn't manbabies hanging over the fence yelling at players. Nobody's expected to be happy with it, but even as somebody who has carried on like a pork chop at the footy in a previous life, the idea of yelling in a professional athlete's face for not living up to my standards (sitting on the couch eating potato chips) never appealed. We'll stick to anonymous character assassinations on the internet thanks.