In a ranking of all events involving Melbourne, the MCG, and the number 56, this tepid end-of-season going through of motions ranks below the Summer Olympics, our final score in the 1988 Grand Final, and practically everything else since Dick Wardill and friends scored 8.8 in 1897. Last week an ordinary side unexpectedly squeezed some interest out of a 50% dead rubber, this caused neutral viewers to sit back and ponder what they were doing with their lives.
The AFL can introduce tournaments, wildcard rounds, or electrified goalposts, but throwaway end of season games like this are what the phrase "they can't all be classics" was invented for. Unless there's potential for an upset or a massacre, games between Mind On Bigger Things and Wishing For The Sweet Release Of Season Death are always forgotten moments after they end. Other than a 279th gamer in the twilight of his career briefly threatening to go full Fred Fanning, I invite you to return to this post next year and see if you remember anything else. I'm already struggling, and at the time of writing the game finished barely 12 hours ago.
I appreciate that we escaped the second of three consecutive games against top(ish) sides without being violently humped, and if we a) avoid disaster next week, and b) Gold Coast do the most slapstick thing of all time and miss finals after losing to Port and Essendon, we could end the season without a big loss against anyone in the top eight. So we've got that going for us. This was heading in the wrong direction before the Hawks proved either unable or uninterested in piling on a huge score. I think it was the first option, especially as they were playing against a corpse after quarter time. But they've got a ticket to the September lottery and we haven't, so I know whose shoes I'd rather be in (NB: but not if it meant wearing those colours).
So yay for not losing by much, and finishing with a barely reasonable score thanks to junktime flourish, but this was a performance that screamed 'placeholder' so loudly we should've temporarily replaced the demon mascot with a human-sized bookmark. But the good news was that Troy Chaplin said he wasn't interested in the senior job so he had a chance to experiment with the side and... never mind they just picked Sharp again. He avoided the outright record for starting sub the most times but still spent 3/4 of the game doing bugger all.
I know there's not a lot to be gained from zany team selection in the second last game of the season, but the priority seemed to be on giving Casey the chance to avoid a wildcard (*spit*) game IF they beat the top team AND other results went their way. Fair enough keeping the VFL All Stars together if finals were on the line, or next week when they've actually started, but this was a missed opportunity to reward players who have toiled in obscurity all season, accelerate a young player's senior development, give somebody on death row the chance to save his career, or take the load off any of the ageing senior players we've beaten like the proverbial government mule all season.
This assumes there's any situation short of an Essendon style Black Death injury crisis that would make us dramatically alter the team, but I don't see the purpose of picking Jed Adams last week, then punting him straight back to the Reserves. I'm surprised they didn't fling Culley too and rely on Windsor standing in the goalsquare all day, unable to move because of his shredded hamstring.
In lieu of wacky selections, I was prepared to accept light positional switches. Petty back, McDonald forward - or even better for novelty value May forward. They did let Rivers into a couple of centre bounces, but McVee is still banned from attending. I'm not surprised that Simon Goodwin's nine year assistant is intent on shepherding his old mentor's vision through to the end of the year, but he's taking the idea of a caretaker period too seriously. What did we get out of this game for the future except Howes playing on Gunston in an emergency because it looked like he was going to kick 15 against May.
Speaking of our exes, Goodwin was back on TV this week, and even after two weeks for things to sink in, he'd still admit to being Jack The Ripper before conceding this team may be on the way down. I hope he's right, but it comes across a bit like somebody trying to desperately convince themselves or maintain a public aura of positivity to protect future coaching/motivational speaking opportunities.
The only thing of public interest from of the great softball interviews was talk about a lack of "alignment" with the administration, including not-so-subtle references to how much better it was under Peter Jackson. We'd all rather work with the world's shiniest bald head, but unless CEO/President/Board threatened to release poison gas unless he followed their instructions (maybe that's why he was always on the bench?), I'm not accepting that the mysterious alignment issues are that important.
A disconnect between coach and administration might be what ultimately finished him off, but for two seasons post-flag we were one good, fit forward away from further glory. The issue was never fixed before the midfield and defence that had kept us afloat for so long started to drop off, and we've been in uncontrollable drift since mid-2024.
To be fair he wasn't saying the alleged lack of alignment was the main reason for our recent failures, but until he admits to getting something wrong I feel like he's either deliberately not telling the truth or is delusional. It looks like Goodwin will be doing some sort of assisting/consulting at GWS from next year, and we wish him well but can somebody involved in our rise and fall eventually give an honest, spin-free evaluation of what happened? If you're considering writing a tell-all MFC expose and are trawling this page for source material, please include some on-field content alongside the sordid tales of drug and windscreen wiper abuse.
Based on the way we played here, you'd never know we had a new coach. Chaplin could do all the "I don't know why this is happening?" facial expressions he liked, we all know the power of Goodwin was compelling him to keep calm and carry on. In his defence there's only so much you can do when handed a lightly smouldering bag of turd for the last three weeks of the season, but would we have missed out on anything if Hawthorn had accepted a 36 point win in return for calling the game off?
Traditionally you'd rush May back into the side as soon as possible, but after an average season by his standards (and with potential *ahem* legal issues hanging over him) I wonder if they'd have told him to take the last two weeks off and relax (preferably at home rather than a licensed venue) if he wasn't on 249 games? I'm sure he was frothing at the mouth to play after being suspended for failure to mind-read, but this the Melbourne Football Club, we're not running some sort of commo worker's collective. Note, I did float this theory last week before following the party line and suggesting picking him anyway.
Halfway through the first quarter as he was being flayed alive by Gunston, perhaps May wished he had stayed at home. Or waited for the milestone game until next week, in front of Collingwood fans who wouldn't let the fact that they've recently won a flag and might soon win another get in the way of whinging about an off-hand comment made two years earlier. I'm not entirely holding it against him when the ball was coming down there at warp speed, but for recent milestone disappointments it was even more like being kicked in the dick at your own birthday party than Fritsch's 150th.
The tone of the day was set when Hawthorn's first goal came after the player admitted it was touched. the goal umpire didn't care, nobody asked for a video replay and the "we review everything" people couldn't find fault. No point being outraged, Bowey got away with the same thing in Round 1. If they'd taken his word for it, the course of history may have changed and we'd be looking forward to a finals campaign now. Unlikely.
Unlike that game, the team that unsuccessfully tried self-reporting gratefully accepted their stroke of good luck and went on with it. For a few minutes it looked like they'd be going on with it in style, with a forward line featuring more open space than the Arctic Circle. Meanwhile, our first forward 50 went straight into the hands of a defender without challenge. This kicked off a day where we had seven more inside 50s, but 11 fewer shots. And three of those came right at the end when all the heat was off.
So, basically what they did is take a forward line that has struggled all season, removed Melksham, played Pickett on the ball practically all day, and expected god knows what to do happen. I'm ok with Melk not playing four quarters because (I hope) we're trying to keep him intact for next year, but what's the point of picking him at all if he's not down there from first half-baked attacking attempt to last? Dare I say [insert list of names here] could've done with an inaugural/continuing crack at senior level instead? No wonder we were going at around one goal per quarter for most of the game.
And if you weren't going to have Melksham or A.N Other, was this not the time to restore Pickett to his best position? Instead, while the forward line had a blood pressure of 0/0 he was trailing the ball around trying to get a kick and I hated it. First question in the new coach interviews is how you'd best use him, and if the answer is not "at many centre bounces, then predominantly inside forward 50" immediately cease the process and walk them to the door. Don't burn him just because you've stuffed up the rest of our midfield.
There was no such trouble at Hawthorn's end, where Gunston was enjoying silver platter service that made May look like a schlub instead of the best defender we've had since colour television. Told you we should've played him as a forward just for fun, but good luck any defender stopping pressure-free bullet passes slammed directly into his opponent's guts.
Just as I was looking for a screenshot of the "On my way" ad to mock our shit start, Petty lightly put the brakes on with a very nice set shot. It's ok to be grateful for what he does as a forward and still not want him to play there. He should still be a defender, as early as about 15 seconds later when Gunston beat May on a lead again. He missed, but my screenshot was not wasted...
... and apologies to my family who eventually got the shits from me going around the house singing that song all afternoon. Technically she could be supporting the Newcastle Knights, Crystal Palace, or the Adelaide Rams, but I choose to take her as a 'mons fan and declare it the greatest footy-related ad of all time.Hi Melbourne, when will you be turning up? #adchat pic.twitter.com/64qN8iLs8j
— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) August 16, 2025
The answer was "we'll be there at the 28 minute mark of the last quarter", because Gunston was up to four shots midway through the quarter. It's almost like half our team is made up of players who have played the season without any decent selection pressure and have finally lost interest. With his fifth shot Gunston missed the lost, then tried something else by setting up a teammate instead. This was followed by a few minutes where we calmed things down and looked better but had no chance of scoring freely at the best of times, let alone when it started to piss down raining.
Usually I wouldn't keep watching for the opposition celebrations, much less once they've gone into the rooms, but I was full of apathy and got to see the biggest WGAF atmosphere since Geelong players pretended to fall asleep on each other. They sang the song with about 5% gusto, while some held babies that were clearly not enjoying the experience. By the time the camera came back around the circle most of the babies had disappeared, presumably snatched back by mothers who didn't want to put up with traumatised, screaming children for the rest of the night while the dads were having meetings, ice baths, and whatever other manly bullshit goes on in AFL locker rooms.
At least their brand of manly bullshit involved celebrating a win, while ours was just players softly crying and checking their contracts for out clauses.
2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
--- The distance from here to the end of the known universe ---
4 - Christian Salem
3 - Harrison Petty
2 - Christian Petracca
1 - Jacob van Rooyen
Apologies to Bowey, Sparrow, and Viney. None deserved a vote but neither did anyone except Gawn.
Leaderboard
Congratulations to Pickett for locking away the silver medal, leaving a Melk vs Petracca vs Bowey battle for bronze. Bowey remains narrowly ahead of the Seecamp, but is in danger of Turner or McDonald getting votes for trying to hold back the tide next week. I don't think Lindsay is coming back, so Langford could confirm the Rising Star as soon as teams are named.
63 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year and Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
34 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Jake Melksham
22 - Christian Petracca
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
18 - Daniel Turner
17 - Jack Viney
16 - Tom McDonald, Clayton Oliver
13 - Steven May
12 - Christian Salem
11 - Kade Chandler, Bayley Fritsch, Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
9 - Ed Langdon
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Harrison Petty, Trent Rivers
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Judd McVee
2 - Jake Lever
1 - Jai Culley, Harry Sharp, Jacob van Rooyen
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The Pickett one because it was so casual, and he's already winning the overall award so what difference does it make?
Next Week
Last year the Pies needed to beat us by about 20 goals for a chance at finals, this time they have so much buffer that I couldn't knock them out of finals with our chosen ladder predictor without losing 27-239. And that's only if Fremantle beat Footscray by a point. So all we're realistically left with is a chance to reinvigorate the Spitebury Plan by jumping to 12th on the ladder, and messing with Collingwood's top four chances. This would be a hollow victory, but a funny one. Unfortunately, percentage calculations mean they've got some motivation to unload on us so we'd better arrive willing to play or ready to chip it left and right all night to waste time.
I've got to publish this before the Casey game, because if they do somehow avoid the Wildcard Wankfest it's all irrelevant [UPDATE - And they did! But I'm not updating this so please enjoy alternative history]. But assuming they are playing next week, it would be perverse to snatch players away for a knockout game after all we've done for them until now. It's happened before, but not since the relationship went from 'affiliation' to 'annexation'. Don't say I've never said anything nice about our second banana team (and their participation in a competition so half-arsed that Sunday's team lineups had Billings at full back and Spargo in the ruck) because I'll even give them Culley back so he can try and win something with a Melbourne-affiliated organisation.
I'm no expert of VFL finals qualifications and won't be studying the subject, but Spargo is the only player from this week's side who clearly won't be allowed to play, so in a reversal of everything we know about selection, inability to play in a Reserves final will get him a game in the sport's elite competition. Otherwise, Sharp has to be sub just to break a pointless record than I'm invested in because I can't afford therapy, and Melksham probably shouldn't be risked given his previous history in final round games, but I've run out of people to include. Lindsay was out with a one week hamstring but what's the point in forcing him back at gunpoint now?
We'll lose, hopefully not by much. Can we have a brief outburst of cheap thrills to keep things interesting?
IN: Spargo, Melksham (from sub)
OUT: Sharp (to sub), Culley (omit)
LUCKY: Plenty
UNLUCKY: Plenty
Final thoughts
I'd be hypocritical to say 'keep the faith, it's almost over', but it is almost over.
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