And now, ladies and gentlemen welcome to the most prestigious night in Australian sports. Running just a couple of weeks late (but two weeks earlier than last year) it's the Demonblog End of Year Spectacular, and here's your host...
"And how appropriate that I should host the review of a season where everyone went off prematurely about the Dees being a force for the future. Before we go any further let's go back over to Mercado for a look at what we went through this season."
Season in review
Thanks Turps, it's great to have you here. Well, it was the (relatively speaking) best of times and the (still too often for my liking) worst of times but somehow we made it through without joining the exclusive spoon three-peat club. Here's how I saw it, often through clenched teeth and with my hands held over my eyes so tightly that marks were left.
Demonblog's State of the Union" - where I picked us to finish last, but in a rare piece of cooperation from the club itself also said I couldn't see us finishing anywhere above 12th. So it was nice of them to stuff up the last three weeks of the year to make sure that at least one prediction came true.
"Intra-Clubbed To Death" - where Jake Spencer's two first quarter goals proved beyond doubt that intra-club games are the biggest fraud in sports.
NAB Cup Round 1
"Go West, we are putrid there - where Freo beating us turned out to be not as bad a sign as you'd have thought and when I was distracted by pinball machines.
Pre-Season game vs Essendon
"It could be worse.." - where we wasted opportunities galore and the Stefan Martin Experience missed a goal so easy that he should get down on his knees and pray that the only TV camera there was a shaky handycam at the other end of the ground.
Round 1 vs Hawthorn
"No Mas, No Mas" - where it started to look a lot like 2008/09 all over again
Round 2 vs Collingwood
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" - where we nearly pulled off the upset of the two week old decade and I disgraced myself in a chair punching frenzy which caused the death of a pair of sunglasses and a hard to explain wound on my right hand.
Round 3 vs Adelaide
"The Impossible Dream" - when we went back to playing like dogs for the first half but fell over the line due to the Crows having a black death style injury plague.
Round 4 vs Richmond
"Direct from hell" - where our early season revival kicked up a gear as early malaise was replaced with free scoring sexy football on the way to bitch slapping a club in crisis.
"The bigger the headache, the bigger the pill"
Round 5 vs Brisbane
"Tear the roof off the sucker" - where the unbeaten Lions came to the MCG and were destroyed in a fashion that made certain people firm up a bit and start hooking into fat porky food in celebration. It wouldn't get much better for the Lions from there.
Round 6 vs North Melbourne
"Riding high in April, shot down in May" - where we went in thinking that we were the next big thing and were comprehensively outsmarted by a team full of players that even Brad Scott has never heard of.
Round 7 vs Footscray
"Not a dry seat in the house" - where goal umpiring fiascos and bizarre coloured uniforms conspired to stop us from pulling off another epic upset in pissing rain.
Round 8 vs West Coast
"Footy gets plums" - where we thought "how easy will this be?" against a side who have an even worse travelling record than us and somehow still managed to lose, causing many - myself included - to indulge in the time honoured sport of hanging shit on Bailey.
Round 9 vs Port Adelaide
"Seconds from Disaster" - where we went to Darwin, of all places, and fell over the line despite a withering last quarter burst from Port. Mark Jamar involved in his first "interview of the year" candidate as he sits on the ground to talk to Leigh Colbert.
Round 10 vs Geelong
"Wasted weekends" - where I managed to stay for the whole four quarters surrounded by bumpkins and managed to avoid getting a fine despite being horrifically illegally parked all afternoon.
Round 11 vs Carlton
"Hurricane Shithouse" - where we did Milan Fukal in the first quarter before storming back into the match. Childhood Melbourne fan and latterday turncoat J**d then proceeded to stooge us in the last quarter.
Round 12 vs Collingwood
"The writers of Demonblog humbly apologise to Mark Jamar for every single post written pre-2008. We now recognise that he is the greatest human alive" - where we took half revenge for Round 2 and Jamar topped his Darwin efforts by walking off on that goose Andy Maher in the middle of his post match interview.
Mid-season State of the Union
Round 13 vs Adelaide
"Touch it you rubbish" - where the club spent the whole week talking up how we were ready to smash our South Australia hoodoo, only to see the team come out and put in a limp performance while nearly made me leap out the window.
Round 14 vs St Kilda
"Welcome to the Leisuredome" - where we put in a creditable performance against a far superior team. Not that I'd know because I couldn't see anything.
Round 15 vs Essendon
"The Great Shark Hunt" - where we basically got Matthew Knights sacked and I got to hear Bailey use foul and obscene language in front of kids in the dressing room beforehand.
Round 16 vs Fremantle
"Cruntry and Western" - where normal service was resumed after I missed the first quarter due to sitting in traffic outside a North Melbourne game. How does a North game create any sort of traffic let alone a jam?
Round 17 vs Sydney
"One for the true believers" - where I still have absolutely no idea what happened.
Round 18 vs Brisbane
"The night the couch nearly went off the balcony" - where we slapped the slops and plunged the Lions even further into crisis whilst simultaneously prying open the finals window just a little bit.
Round 19 vs Richmond
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions" - where September started to loom a little bit larger despite a frankly ordinary performance against a shit side.
Round 20 vs Hawthorn
"RT: @deanbailey Footy is Shit" - where the window was well and truly slammed shut and I shamed myself with another wild outburst.
Round 21 vs Port Adelaide
"Ding dong the witch is.. alive and kicking" - where it was all over anyway so the players just didn't bother - except for when The Jurrahcane took mark of the year.
Round 22 vs North Melbourne
"Here endeth the sizzle" - where even the fans didn't care.
Now, let's pause for a moment to remember some of the people we've lost this year.
*not quite as much applause, somebody yells out "BRING BACK WOEWODIN"*
*rapturous applause and a five minute standing ovation*
"Well, I haven't had this much fun since I hosted Supermarket Sweep". Let's get onto this year's award winners and a look at the past champions of each category. Don't forget this section of tonight's ceremony is sponsored by a shaky, blurry photo of Stephen Tingay, a Febey and David Neitz pretending to hook into some rancid Pizza Hut"
Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year - Brad Green
Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year - James Frawley
Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year - Mark Jamar
Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year - Tom Scully
Unfortunately none of the winners could be bothered to show up here tonight to collect their awards, so instead here's a picture of Adrian Battiston tackling Chuck Norris.
2010 Final tally
43 - Brad Green
37 - James Frawley
30 - James McDonald
28 - Mark Jamar
27 - Colin Sylvia
17 - Tom Scully
15 - Aaron Davey
14 - Matthew Bate
12 - Jack Grimes, Cameron Bruce
11 - Jack Trengove, Jordie McKenzie
10 - Brent Moloney, Lynden Dunn
8 - Liam Jurrah, Jordan Gysberts
7 - Joel Macdonald
5 - Ricky Petterd, Jamie Bennell
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller, Colin Garland
2 - Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Nathan Jones, Austin Wonaeamirri, Rohan Bail
Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year (brackets = pre-season price)
2005 - Travis Johnstone
2006 - Brock McLean
2007 - Nathan Jones
2008 - Cameron Bruce
2009 - Aaron Davey ($8)
2010 - Brad Green ($4)
Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year
2005 - Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson (shared)
2006 - Jared Rivers
2007 - Paul Wheatley
2008 - Matthew Whelan
2009 - James Frawley ($22)
2010 - James Frawley  ($3.50)
Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year
2005 - No players eligible.
2006 - Matthew Bate
2007 - Ricky Petterd and Michael Newton (shared)
2008 - Cale Morton
2009 - Jack Grimes ($4 fav)
2010 - Tom Scully ($5)
Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year
2005 - Jeff White
2006 - Jeff White 
2007 - Jeff White 
2008 - Paul Johnson
2009 - Mark Jamar ($3)
2010 - Mark Jamar  ($1.50 fav)
Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance
2008 - Aaron Davey
2009 - Cameron Bruce
2010 - Brad Green
59 players have received votes since Round 1 2005. On his performance this year Green has replaced Bruce as the all time #1 player.
164 - Brad Green
139 - James McDonald
137 - Cameron Bruce
104 - Brock McLean
95 - Aaron Davey
86 - Colin Sylvia
82 - Nathan Jones, Matthew Bate
76 - Brent Moloney
72 - Travis Johnstone
64 - Russell Robertson
50 - Jared Rivers
49 - Mark Jamar
49 - James Frawley
46 - Brad Miller
43 - David Neitz
35 - Jeff White
34 - Cale Morton, Adem Yze
31 - Nathan Carroll, Matthew Whelan
27 - Lynden Dunn
24 - Nathan Brown, Jack Grimes
23 - Paul Wheatley
21 - Ricky Petterd
18 - Shane Valenti, Liam Jurrah
17 - Byron Pickett, Tom Scully
16 - Chris Johnson
15 - Ben Holland, Stefan Martin, Daniel Ward, Paul Johnson, Colin Garland
14 - Matthew Warnock
12 - Clint Bizzell
11 - Simon Buckley, Ryan Ferguson, Austin Wonaeamirri, Jack Trengove, Jordie McKenzie
10 - Daniel Bell, Clint Bartram
9 - Jamie Bennell
8 - Simon Godfrey, Jordan Gysberts
7 - Joel Macdonald
6 - Shannon Motlop
5 - Michael Newton, Kyle Cheney, Neville Jetta
4 - Alistair Nicholson, Phil Read
2 - Addam Maric, Guy Rigoni, Jack Watts
1 - Rohan Bail
And now, back to Turps.
"Well, that's it for this year's ceremony. Before we go here's our special guest Kenny Rogers showing his support for Matthew Warnock.
We leave you with this modern and contemporary production number. See you next season sports fans. Don't forget to buy the book if Mercado ever gets off his arse and puts it together".