Give me my Friday night back

Hands up if you understand what you saw tonight. When somebody sits down to compile a list of great unexplained phenomena Melbourne vs St. Kilda, Round 1, 2007 will go down alongside the Bermuda Triangle in the "unsolved mysteries" category. At what exact point did our gameplan suddenly turn from "normal" to "HANDBALL EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU GET NEAR THE BALL". That was officially one of the most depressing nights of football I have ever been involved with.

But before that there were two notable moments in the first quarter that say absolutely everything you will ever want to know about how this year is going to go. Firstly Matthew Whelan cleans up somebody (Ball? Koschitzke? Daryl Baldock? You know I don't care about opposition players) with a cracker of a hip-and-shoulder only to come off worse himself and not be seen again for the rest of the game. Then, in the biggest knife to the heart of them all, Brock McLean breaks his foot and will be out for six weeks. Yes, it's going to be one of those years.

When the gameplan was on "normal" we matched the Saints everywhere. Poor kicking made us look better than we were early on but weren't being disgraced. Then suddenly the moment the second quarter started the entire midfield and backline lost the plot and started trying to handball everywhere. Then there was the running - my god it was painful. Suddenly St. Kilda turned it up a notch and we were left pissfarting around with the ball in the backline and attempting to rack up a record for the most handballs in one game. Not sure what the actual record itself is but god dammit we must have given it a massive shake early on - some of the passages of play were so painfully rubbish that they defy description in text. Watch the replay and shed a tear.

In positive news Neitz and Robertson were good with the limited opportunities they got. In a game where we could barely get the ball out of the backline without a 72 step consulative process they took their limited opportunities well. God forbid we can actually get the ball down there this season they look like having good years. The New Next Big Thing (NNBT) Jones was good again, and will have his chance to step up in the role of the Previous Next Big Thing (PNBT) in the next month. McDonald resisted the urge to join in the grim handballing wankfest and actually kicked the thing - often to our advantage which was a welcome break from the rest of the game. Moloney was good for somebody who has barely played in a year, and Bruce gets a vote because - well because there really wasn't anybody else who deserved one.

We do have Pickett, Rivers, Sylvia and Dunn to come back - but to be entirely honest only the first two are vital at this point in time. Byron will add some much needed composure to the backline (and perhaps even the return of Nathan Brown wouldn't be out of the question) and Rivers means less reliance on Ben Holland who has a role to play in the team but NOT as the second string tall defender.

The good news is that as of the time of writing (1am on Saturday morning) the worse than ever before AFL website still has us holding onto a 0-0 draw with not one player having had a possesion yet. I'm happy to take the two points if they're offering.

Slop Watch
As promised this year we will be stalking and harassing focusing heavily on two players. Step forward Mr. Adem Yze and Mr. Brad Miller.

Yze didn't really do much, but he wasn't alone in that and did just enough to support him getting another run next week. I would like to think that he is on seriously borrowed time unless he rips something special out in the weeks to come but we all know there's more chance of me getting picked out of the stands to play CHF next week than there is of Daniher ever dropping him.

And speaking of CHF's could any other club in the league manage to have one who can't mark and can't kick? Would that we had anybody at all to replace him there is surely no way in the world that Miller would play next week. Sadly with the lack of anybody else to play the position we are going to be going to be subjected to another season of headless chickenry. His only actual contribution over the evening was to play a part in Russell Robertson's goal of the year at the end of the second quarter by dropping a diving mark, then recovering only to spin around and throw the ball straight up in the air. I suppose you have to make the highlights package somehow. Abysmal - he is offically the new holder of the Scott Chisholm/Luke Williams "Trains to Sandringham depart from Platform 10" Challenge Cup.

Philthy Watch
Apparently the great man is playing for the Geelong VFL side this year. Up the Cats? May as well really because as previously discussed I'm not touching that comp seriously until they bring back Camberwell (16 years and counting..)

Crowd Watch
I know it's hypocritical to slaughter anyone for vigorously celebrating a round one win when I'm simultaneously mourning one but somebody needs to tell the St. Kilda fans that a win in Rd. 1 is nice but actually means fuck all in the grand scheme of things. Here's a quality interlude from the first quarter (when we were good) between a mate of mine and some old lady sitting next to us.

Him: "AND THAT'S WHY YOU'VE ONLY WON ONE FLAG IN A HUNDRED YEARS!"
Old Lady: "And who are you following then?"
Him: "Lady I don't really care, I go for Carlton and we've got 16 of them"
Old Lady: [SILENCE]

Probably the funniest thing I've ever seen at a game. Shame about what was happening on the field.

The only other person to annoy me tonight (apart from the idiots who had to get up twice a quarter to go to the bar - just stay at home and get drunk on cheaper and more potent beer you fucks) was the guy about four rows in front in the bottom deck of the Ponsford who celebrated every St. Kilda goal by unfurling a cheap knockoff of the Palestinian flag and waving it above his head vigorously in a carefully rehearsed manouvre. He even had a rehearsed way to get the thing to curl up again. The man did this with a fervour that you would expect a twelve-year-old or a cheer squad mutant to have but actually appeared to be a man in his early 40's.

Surely 90% of football audiences are only intellectually suited to play support to the Westgate Bridge. As much as a loathe the elitism of the MCC and the corporate "wear a tie or be executed" atmosphere of Telstra Dome there is nothing I would like more than my own corporate box so I could shut myself off from the clowns in the outer and do my block in peace.

Votes? Jesus this is going to be interesting...

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Neitz
4 - McDonald
3 - Jones
2 - Moloney
1 - Bruce

2007 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender Of The Year: NO VOTES
2007 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie Of The Year: NO VOTES

Leaderboard
You work it out Sherlock.

Next week
Hawthorn. I will reserve my comments until then - and if when Lance Franklin picks up where he left off in the NAB Cup and kicks ten I will self-immolate on the steps of the Ponsford Stand.

Anything I missed tonight? To be frank I was too busy going spaz for most of the last three quarters to notice any actual trends in the game.

Daniel Ward: Portrait of a Dumb Punt

(Welcome to our latest contributor, Big Footy's own, Slander)

The AFL betting scandal got a lot of play over the summer in the media, so let me set the record straight:

I don't care if people or players bet on football matches.

Re. the players - they shouldn't be as stupid as Goodwin, Ward, Hale or Kieran Jack and get caught betting using their account. If they must have a flutter do it through a family member or friend or even I'll waddle down to the Sydney Rd TAB for a minimal fee as the AFL can't stop us and you won't get caught next time - idiots.

I do however think it's a tad hypocritical of the AFL one hand to slam the players who have been betting on matches and on the other wholeheartedly endorse gambling on matches and gambling in general.

I mean if they were serious about having a gambling free culture amongst players why do they have the Brownlow Medal at ****ing Crown Casino?

Why do they bombard the audiovisual media with insufferable ads featuring unwashed bogans telling all and sundry of the joys of Tatts Tipstar 8?

Why does the CEO give his tips in the footy record as well as ABC radio every week?

Basically the above has outlined that the AFL is stupid. What a revelation.

Now to Daniel Ward the MFC's very own dumb punt who got caught in the betting scandal. Once again let me reiterate:

I don't care if people or players bet on football matches.

The reason why I am calling his intelligence into question is that it was revealed that he bet on Melbourne to win. Dumb.

Even the most ardent MFC supporters don't bet on Melbourne because this team is about as volatile as Osama bin Laden himself dropping nuclear weapons into Mt. Stromboli. One week they're kicking the arse of a top 8 contender the next week they play like the Nar Nar Goon under 9's and get rolled over by Carlton. It's like flushing money down the toilet.

Daniel just don't do it again (or don't get caught).

Finally some free advice to Ward or anyone else out there:

. Don't invest shares in Enron or OneTel
. Don't expect to not get a slap in the face, when in a bar if you say: "Nice legs, what time do they open?"
. Don't expect the AFL not to **** around with the rules next year
. Don't expect politicians to tell the truth
. Don't bet on football matches featuring the MFC - God just load up on West Coast at Subi!

Anyway enough of this horse****...

Yours in drivel,

Slander

Let's move on shall we?

First things first don't expect any sudden reversal of policy in here. Just because we won, the pre-season is no less meaningless and phony than it was a fortnight ago when we lost. For the sake of the record we beat Richmond at Princess Park, Optus Oval, MC Labor Park, Parkville Miscellaneous Stadium by five goals but until we turn the swine over in Rd. 1 I reserve the right to show no joy whatsoever.

First things first, a memo to Carlton/Storm/whoever is running the ground now. Clean your fucking stadium. For a stand that cost so much money to make you'd think they could at least pay some Ukranian $3 an hour to wipe the dust off the seats. They were caked with filth and as the cultured and posh people we are it was not pleasant to sit there. But like complete morons we did anyway and were duly rewarded with four quarters of meaningless chip and chase football.

We won, and played well in doing it but I'm not entirely convinced that it will translate to the real thing. For a start Richmond would probably have scored a lot more than they did if they could actually deliver the ball inside 50 to a basic standard - they were absolutely appalling at it and we can't expect every team to accommodate us like that throughout the year.

The positives? Never fear there were plenty even if the game ranked somewhere between the Ovens And Murray League Pre-Season Cup and the Diamond Valley Under 13's in importance. From this day Nathan Jones shall officially be known as the New Next Big Thing. If you were totally ignorant about football and you'd never seen a game before (i.e - members of the AFL Rules Committee) you would never know he's only played a handful of games. Brock may be the new king but NJ is clearly his understudy. Pretty much everyone else went alright as well. Yze did nothing and Miller still hasn't worked out what he's doing in the last two weeks but other than that it's looking alright for this year.

And how about Aaron Davey and his goal of the year before the season even started? I don't know if there's highlights or not but I've never seen anyone face the boundary line, slap the ball backwards between his legs a'la basketball then turn around and slot the goal. That was absolutely AWOL, I and the 24 other MFC fans in attendance loved it.

See you in two weeks for something that actually matters.

The meaningless Pre-Season votes

5 - Jones
4 - Johnstone
3 - Bruce
2 - White
1 - Whelan

Apologies to Chris Johnson who was good again.

Next week: It's the pre-season so we've probably got Timbuktu away. Who cares? Let's get on with the real stuff.

UPDATE - Geelong at Skilled Stadium. I was near enough.

Are We The Real Deal?

by Demonblog's newest recruit - Bartram_Class

As I sat through the agony of Lance Franklin flogging Chopper like a dead horse in the last quarter of the supposed meaningless NAB Cup, it felt like a big case of déjà vu.

2004 – Great start to the year, tailed off and a first round exit in the finals to an Essendon side going downhill faster than Jonathan Hay’s career.

2005 – Great start to the year, tailed off before scraping into the finals before getting flogged by the Cats, who we had beat in that 1 point thriller a few weeks earlier.

2006 – Great start to the year, tailed off before beating a St. Kilda side that was running on extras in the Elim. Final. Went to Perth and soundly beaten by the purplepuffs.

Now some would say that timeline shows improvement. Now I’d love to think of myself as an optimist, but surely you would have to have Lawrence Angwin on speed dial to be happy with our results in previous years with the list at our disposal.

However, as 2007 came upon us, we were flooded with forecasts of a Demon resurgence in ’07. Daniher was pumping us up like only he can, the boys were cutting it up on the track and everything seemed rosy. Now call me a pessimistic fan, most of us are, but there were so many gaps in our performance against the Hawks that you can’t be confident about our chances this year. Forget we were missing the best player, the best kick and the fastest player in the competition. Its other areas that are of more worry. Namely the ruck, White is 30 and has never been the same since the centre circle rule came in, the Russian is big and can win a tap but that is about it, once the ball hits the deck, hes as useful as tits on a bull. Paul Johnson is a 200cm giant that plays like Tony Liberatore in his prime. All credit to him but he needs a shitload of work before he becomes a decent ruck prospect. Merge them together and we’d be unstoppable, sadly we can’t afford to have one of them in the ruck at the moment, let alone both.

Of course it was only the first round of the NAB Cup and Hawthorn had almost their best side out on the park. However, we had three quarters of ours out there also and we failed to beat a team most expect to be down near the bottom for the 4th successive year. Go figure.

I am not ready to throw in the towel yet for Season ’07, not by a long shot, but to think we are going to march into the top 4 and stay there would be profoundly inaccurate. Never forget, we do support the Melbourne Football Club, capable of anything on a given day.

Pre-Season Panic (the other PSP)

Ahh if there was one thing that was going to get me back posting it was a match. Let's be entirely frank the day to day goings on in the world of football are interesting but nothing causes the venom to spew from my fingertips like four quarters of hot AFL action.

Usually pre-season matches go right over my head. Even a few years back when we had a habit of going out there full of confidence and coming back a hundred points worse off it didn't make much of an impact. And to be honest I'm not actually that affected by tonight's game but there are two matters that desperately need to be cleared up before we can possibly go any further;

a) Adem Yze should give back every cent of his match fee for tonight. If you're not interested in going out there and doing what you're paid to do then piss off home and spend your Sunday night watching CSI: Las Vegas or something. The fact that he will probably one day hold the record for the most games for our club despite having gone along at 25% for the last two years is criminal.

b) Brad Miller will never EVER be the CHF or FF of an AFL team. I don't give two shits how many marks he took against Fremantle in the finals last year (especially as they were all on the wing) he has absolutely no idea what he's doing out there.

I feel that you'll be hearing a lot more on issues (a) and (b) throughout the season. Especially after last year's pre-season campaigns against Pickett and Green spurred them on to decent seasons. FACT.

As for the rest of tonight I wouldn't take it so seriously if it wasn't for two of our alleged senior players being completely shit. We were without McLean, Davey, Whelan, Moloney, Johnstone and god knows who else (Holland? Philthy?) against a pretty much full strength side who have had about 720 top ten picks in the draft in the last two years and are looking like a half decent team this year. Therefore conventional wisdom says a four goal loss means nothing. I do, however, question the intensity shown in the last quarter - it's one thing to lose but another to roll over and die like a mangy dog in the streets.

There were positives. Chris Johnson was excellent, and both Buckley and Frawley looked handy in their first real hitouts in senior company. Of the senior players Bruce, McDonald and Brown were good and Jamar did some nice work in the centre. Yet again Daniel Ward (with surprisingly little "ZOMG U BET ON SOMETHING! LOL! LOL!" from the crowd) wandered around for four quarters like he had leprosy and occasionally did the sort of good looking things that it's easy to do when you haven't gone near a direct opponent since Rd 13, 2001.

On other matters we have an addition to the "I hate Telstra Dome" file. The honeymoon period I had from practically living next door to the place for two years and being able to walk in my front door before the winners song had been played twice is OVER and I'm back on the "burn the m'fing place down" bandwagon. They now have a "no pass out" policy - which basically means that once you walk in the door you're trapped.

Why would you do this? It wouldn't have anything at all to do with the fact that there's a Nandos/Subway/Souvalki/Pizza shop lineup right outside the gates and that thousands of people flock out there at half time for food rather than paying the overinflated and frankly ludicrous prices for what they sell inside the ground. This is the most cynical move of recent times and people should be up in arms against it - don't believe any of the shit they tell you about it involving smoking or people kicking the footy outside. It's 100% bullshit. The Corporate Dome and it's caterers are bending you over and giving you what for so they can make a few extra dollars. Disgraceful - I'd willingly never set foot in that place again.

Anyway - now for the "these mean nothing but let's give 'em anyway" Todd McHardy Pre-Season Player of the Year competition votes.

5 - Chris Johnson
4 - James McDonald
3 - Cameron Bruce
2 - Nathan Brown
1 - Mark Jamar

Positives: More players to come back. Roll on Rd. 1 - as much as football frustrates the fuck out of me I miss it when it's away.

Negatives: The combined effect on my body of two nights of heroic alcohol consumption, the tension of a football match, 36 minutes of indoor soccer death and the prospect of having 72.5 million things to do at work. Nurse, hand me the needle.

Next week: Essendon Adelaide in Mt. Gambier. I sure as hell won't be there but if you will feel free to send a report to supermercado AT DEMONBLOG dot com and/or seek psychological treatment.

Holy shit, they're back

Hi. Remember us? Of course you do. Unless you're one of the 4250 spammers a day who are using the Demonblog comments as target practice.

Remember when I promised a "season in review" post in about September last year? Yeah well I couldn't be bothered. Let's put it all in one sentence "Yet again we didn't win anything". Is there any danger of it being different this season? Of course there isn't. We'll be on top in Round 15 and then fall apart like a Russian satellite.

What we will be having this year is guest writers aplenty. You handle the news and views and I'll handle the ball tearing but cathartic match reports. If you want to write for DB email the usual address (SUPERMERCADO at DEMONBLOG dot com) and we'll fix you up.

Roll on '07? Why not, we're only a month and a half into it.

Dark Days

RIP "Philthy" Phil Read (2004-2006)
34 games, 8 goals

Will forever be remembered for the "if he kicks this I'm never watching football again" goal against Essendon in the '04 finals. At least we have our memories of the Philthy Phil Phaction;



In honor of his footballing demise there will be an official one year moratorium on declaring a new favourite player.