- A lightly supported Victorian team
- Playing a home game at somebody else's stadium
- At 1pm on Mother's Day
- Against interstate opposition that hasn't fired a shot in years
- With theoretically no doubt about the result
- In front of fewer people than an ISIS Bride return
Other than obligatory interest from rusted-on nuffies, the only public attractions were our ever-present threat of having a slapstick crash against rotten opposition, and the opportunity for basic people to do "Maybe they'll sack the coach again after this LOL ROFL" comedy if we won by heaps. Which we didn't, so it's back to the traditional skiing and cheese gags for another week.
I quite enjoyed our empty stadium match against the Eagles last year, and not just as a palate cleanser after the dead-set abortion of a finish a week earlier. Sadly, this year there was no "we happy few" speeches and grumbling about having to sit close to people in a 3/4 empty stadium. It was the first time since Footscray '19 that I've been so close to a Docklands game without being inside. To say I was close enough to hear the roar of the crowd implies either of those things existed. It's better for everyone this way. Last time I rearranged my life to attend all Victorian games, we were pox for the next decade.
Because my nerves are entirely shot, I spent the build-up emotionally preparing for the worst. The other side had recently lost twice by 100+, scored under 45 as many times, and were just beaten by Richmond. God only knows who half their players were, and if Milan Murdock was an alias because they didn't have the rights to his real name, but I was on red alert for either an anonymous rookie or space-filling journeyman to have a day out. Or one of their many years' worth of top draft picks. Basically anyone.
On our side, you had defensive mastermind Daniel Turner out of the selected side with illness, replaced by a returning Andy Moniz-Wakefield. Which was great news for Australia's Most-Wanted, but left me expecting to be plundered by some rookie tall forward who was leaving Western Australia for the first time in his life. In a world where Malcolm Rosas kicked 7.0 against us, then became Mr. Can't play Melbourne every week by ending his fortnight on 7.0, no option was off the table.
West Coast also has Bailey J. Williams, who brings up memories of Billy J. Smith treating whatever stupidity he was calling on It's A Knockout like the Olympic 100m sprint. It was the perfect opportunity for footy equivalent Dwayne Russell to get an early start, then head home for his post-match treadmill review session. I thought he'd invoke the spirit of 90s supermodels not getting out of bed for less than $10,000 and hold out for a more consequential game, but his first words on introduction were "Absolutely can't wait for this". No idea how the stadium wasn't evacuated after his pants caught fire.
Even if he couldn't say it, maybe he was hoping we'd kill off rubbish opposition from the first bounce for once, and he'd get to feast on the entrails. Sadly, that's not our style. In Goodfellas, they didn't wait for [Spoiler] to have a cup of tea before whacking him, it was straight through the door and one in the head. At Docklands, Jake Bowey was welcomed back by hospital handball in the middle of the ground, Pickett (K) ran into somebody's head, and the Eagles opened with a seven point play. Clickbait media speculation aside, it will be ultimate 'game's gone' stuff if he goes down for a light brush against the scone of a player who bounced back up and had six scoring shots.
After a series of comedy turnovers, and Pickett (L) having history's most hilariously unnecessary bounce in the forward pocket, it was enter Langford to say "lead, follow, or get out of the way" and respond via a quality contested mark/set shot combo. Hooray for all our recent top draftees, but he's the main event. Didn't do that much for the rest of the game, but is still ace.
I suggest the Eagles saw Sydney surgically handballing their way through us last week and decided to try the same thing. They missed the bit where you're supposed to eventually kick to a free player inside 50 at the end, handballing all the way to the forward pocket, before missing the last free man. This facilitated coast-to-coast action, kicked off by The Bounce King having another two when not strictly required.
Despite my nervousness, it seemed as if we'd eventually wreck their spirit the longer the game went. Turns out the first quarter was as good as it got. If the AFL declared an emergency fifth quarter for spectacle purposes, we may have lost. But it's all about premiership points, and even if we'd won by 200 the percentage gains would probably be wiped out later by some idiots having an unexpected draw.
What element of party there was, began with Cross getting justice at the ground where his namesake finished a storied AFL career half unconscious in front of 9000 people. His set shot glided home in the style of a plane landing without fuel. Cross then got another via a tremendous tackle on a player who tried his best to make it slip below the knees. The vice-like grip was so severe Cross wasn't even dislodged from his torso. Then one of the experienced players who's supposed to be propping their team up had a sook and gave away 50. This begat JVR's second straight from the middle, so maybe it was a touch premature to say "Here we go" after conceding first.
One more goal and the quarter time margin would've left the Eagles needing to pull off a perverse comeback. Little did we know then, but the best bit of the game was over. Both teams had half-chances before quarter time, but there were no more goals. Last year, the West Coast bench called for Stone Cold Steve Austin, this time, they held up what looked like a cutscene from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I'm usually gimmick-friendly, but does any of this random sign nonsense help players, or do they have to spend the week studying code books to know whether a portrait of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is an instruction to shoot or not?
In the ranking of five goal first quarters, this beat conceding just as many last week. We were obviously the better side, but the less opportunity for the opposition to regain their joy of life, the better. The only excitement was the revelation that an Eagles player had done a "Scat test" during the break. Hope he washed his hands after. A close second was Jiath trying to get extra distance on a set shot and kicking it OOF so comically that it made him limp.
West Coast had plenty of inside 50s, but delivered them like drunk drivers trying to parallel park buses. Finally, we got to attack quickly and found the opposition spread thin for Steele and Gawn to raffle the goal in a way that you could easily see going horribly wrong. Then, a fast break from the middle ended in van Rooyen bouncing through an uncharacteristic snap that even he looked shocked about.
It was on the verge of blowing out again, and Andrew McQualter obviously thought, "why didn't they play like this when I was there?" and stuck a player behind the ball, seemingly trying to protect a six goal deficit until half time. NFI what the point of that is for a developing side other than shielding your players from suffering another violent battering. Worked out alright for him, so what do I know. It briefly looked like backfiring, when first we stuffed up a chance because there were too many available options in attack, then all the hard work to sludge the game up went (temporarily) up in smoke when they gave away a goal from a 50.
It turned out to be grand strategy, because they got an immediate reply, missed another shot from the subsequent centre clearance, then took advantage of us completely buggering up efforts to waste the last 30 seconds, so in the end the goal was worth -7 points. And there was nearly more, with the ball down their end at the siren.
If you'd offered me winning the second half by a point I'd probably have taken it, just to remove any discussion about potentially blowing a five goal lead. The late goals still wasted a quarter after we briefly looked like unleashing violence on the underprivileged. And conceding the first after half time wasn't much fun either. But in came van Rooyen, after Chandler suckered an opponent into doing a flying leap into thin air, then Sharp and Jefferson to restore the margin after the cursed 50.
After holding up the game five minutes into the first quarter to decide whether a ball was propelled over the boundary line via legal disposal or not, there was an even more farcical review here. The Eagles cleared a ball off their own line, got a free in the forward pocket, then had to wait and see if the umpire was correct that it hadn't been a point in the first place. If the free wasn't paid, when were they going to stop play and review it? And if it was a point, the free would've been void, and we'd have been kicking in instead of them having a shot on goal.
Petty held Waterman well in the first half, but this was the first leg of a quick triple-header crime wave against him. Chandler let slip in the post-match interview that Petty had trained as a forward all week and was only defending because Turner dropped out. Which was weird. Anyway, the post-review shot missed, then Waterman charitably set up two opportunities for teammates who had previously kicked about 10 goals in 400 games combined.
The second guy converted, but it was worth nada due to being sandwiched between two of our goals. First, AMW doubled down on his surprise appearance with a first career major, before Chandler spelunked through traffic in a way that will make me confiscate children's pocket money if that's what it takes to fund his new contract.
Kade, look how happy you were after Moniz-Wakefield's goal. Where else would you rather be? My advice is not to answer any phone calls from Alex Neal-Bullen until signing a new contract.
This set up a half chance that we'd belt away to a massive victory in the last quarter. Or, if you prefer, there's the alternative plan of letting them kick two goals and missing another because of a rotten set shot. The margin would still have been nearly five goals, but with plenty of time to go I'd have been getting flashbacks to you-know-what.
Life wasn't meant to be easy, but unlike a certain dark July afternoon, a settler made sure there was no hint of allowing the chasers to get on a run. I know the opposition have been pus for years, but van Rooyen's fifth still prompts the question, "is that normal Rooing you're doing?" He's been up and down like the proverbial this year, but I'm happy he got to fill his boots in Mihocek's absence. There was a shot at a sixth, but by then I think even he'd had enough. It either just snuck in for a point or went out on the full. Can't remember, because by then I was only interested in getting to the siren without any further injuries. On a related note - during the week, I'll be hosting a telethon to wipe out the scourge of 'left big toe'.
Is this the most precise injury report of all time? pic.twitter.com/MwGPUSfJhu
— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) May 10, 2026
From there, we went into extended training drill mode and looked to the future by doing defensive shit instead of trying to play like the Harlem Globetrotters. That worked until Billy J. Smith played his joker and goalled after a big contested mark. Then it was time for full, landfill-grade junk time. The only remaining highlight was Gawn being ROBBED BLIND out of a mark at the end. I want an umpire to make that decision late in a close, important game to see if people come over the fence. Ask me when we lose in similar circumstances, but I'd still rather cop the odd bad guess from umpires than waste time with endless video reviews.
It didn't make a difference, but thumbs up to captain and coach for still taking things seriously this late in the day.
— Emlyn Breese (@EmlynBreese) May 10, 2026
It reminded me of the Holy 17 winning streak's last gasp. A comfortable but uninspiring win, at Docklands, in May, against opposition prone to conceding big scores. This time West Coast played the role of North, there was no election on, and I didn't have COVID. Otherwise, practically the same. Which means we should get about five goals up next week before dying in the arse and having teammates punch on at a fancy French restaurant.
Our total score was less than West Coast's losing margin against St Kilda, but never mind. Perhaps my theory that we'd be competitive against good sides, and wreck the league's flotsam/jetsam was complete shite. Wouldn't be the first time. We've proven good enough to beat top teams, but may still lack the killer instinct required to violently dismember strugglers. If we'd beaten Essendon, I might have been disappointed at not going on with this, but after that slopfest I'm just happy to avoid potential hazards and win games.
2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Ed Langdon
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Kade Chandler
2 - Jake Bowey
1 - Jack Steele
Apologies to Cross, Gawn, Heath, Lever, Petty (first half), Sparrow
Leaderboard
Little movement at the top, on the rare occasion that neither of the leaders scored a vote. Steele gets within two BOG of the lead, Bowey launches his Seecamp campaign, all other business as per last week.
25 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
15 - Jack Steele
12 - Tom Sparrow
10 - Ed Langdon
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Harvey Langford
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever
Next week
A slightly more difficult task, with Hawthorn in the weird Saturday twilight slot. Technically, I should be able to go to this, but Demonblog Jr. Jr's birthday is the next day so fat fucking chance I'll get to leave the house. On paper, we should lose, but they did just draw with a bog average Collingwood and die en masse in the final minutes against Freo, so you never know. I've just come back to finish this bit of the post and found the unfinished sentence "It would be good", but have no idea where that thought was going. Choose your own answer from "if we gave them a scare", "to take another big scalp", or "not to let Jack Gunston turn the clock back to his glory days again".
In an attempt to provide sensible team selection suggestions, I tuned into the Casey game when they were 15-14 in front, only for Carlton B to score 143 of the next 163 points. All I took from it was a) Trent Rivers is still alive but has done something to his previously lovely hair resembling that time Britney Spears went bonkers, b) Kentfield kicked 2.4 of the 3.17, and c) Casey had somebody called 'Tahj De La Rue', which is one of the fanciest names you'll ever see, with bonus style points for aristocratically splitting the surname into three parts.
Whether or not there's a spot for Kentfield in our forward line now that Gawn is resting down there, I don't care. It's disappointing he's not still wearing the sinister mask even when not required, but time to give him a go. I'll also have Rivers just because. Jefferson hasn't been bad, but he just had two kicks in a game against West Coast so let's give somebody else a go. See also Laurie, who was ok other than one absolutely piss-streaked forward entry straight to a defender, but has had his turn. Still not convinced by Jiath, but everyone should get the chance to have a crack against their old side. And we all love Latrelle but he must be due for a rotation soon.
IN: Kentfield, Rivers, Turner
OUT: Jefferson, Laurie, Moniz-Wakefield (omit)
LUCKY: Jiath, L. Pickett
UNLUCKY: McDonald
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Top 'mon of the week is Moniz-Wakefield, joining diverse contenders like Pickett (L) and Marty Hore in being nominated for his first goal.
Final thoughts
Take the points. Revive Disco. Be happy that we avoided looking like buffoons again. Move on.
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