Let prattle commence

The 2025/2026 off-season wasn't the weirdest I've been (peripherally) involved with, but it's up there. It seems like an excessively long time since our last game, when your friend and mine, the Melbourne Football Club rounded off a campaign featuring implosions, collapses, and self-inflicted wounds with one for the road. Since then, it's been 'choose your own adventure' about what comes next. 

My inner-Costanza felt comfortable when we were being dragged through some light shambles. Premiership Heroes A and B are gone, and we spent about $3 million to make sure the man who made Mooroopna famous played anywhere else. Jack Viney is once again Australia's foremost lower limb injury victim. Our greatest defender since colour television has gone Steven MIA. For the second time in living memory, we've dumped a sponsor that turned out to be morally one rung above signing up Epstein Island, and replaced them with an "AI-native fintech platform" that appears to be a glorified fuel card system. Jake Bowey and Jai Culley are varying levels of broken, Tom Campbell's in a neck brace, and I'm sure there's plenty more.

I won't turn this into the #fistedforever Files sequel, but a final entry for the misery section of this post. Who thought signing up for a documentary about the 2025 season was a good idea? Did they think there was a heartwarming comeback on the cards? If the Formula 1 show they're trying to replicate had a team whose wheels fell off as regularly as ours they'd have been banned on safety grounds. Now, because what should be private conversations are being broadcast to the world we're subject to a public enquiry about the culture being no good. No really, you don't say, but I'd prefer they dealt with it behind closed doors, not on Amazon Prime. Hopefully there's an MFC supercut so I can avoid segments that don't interest me.

On the other hand, against all natural instincts, I'm quite looking forward to the new season. Not just because footy season provides more order to my life than cricketers I've got no emotional investment in (not since Tom Moody retired anyway) appearing on random days and playing playing 3/5ths of the allotted time if you're lucky. It's also because, in a year where mid-table mediocrity is officially desirable thanks to the wildcard round (*spit* *puke* *etc*), I feel like we might be half decent. Probably not finals half decent, but enough to avoid the usual infighting, recriminations, and back of the Herald Sun stories featuring David Schwarz looking sad.   

Mind you, I also thought 2007 was a slight correction and look how that turned out. So, don't blame me if it goes tits up BUT we've got new coaching ideas, a veritable shitload of top draft picks to watch develop, and the tasty potential for double Pickett mayhem. You'll still be able to take a whizz at our home games without queuing, and I think it's a good omen that one of the Australian Winter Olympic gold medallists looks like Ben Brown. We'll find out the answer to "What's not to like?" together, but even before tonking half-interested opposition I felt the season had potential. Perhaps potential to be fatal.

There was plenty to like about this result, but it's no guide to the real stuff. Last year North were comfortably dealt with in this fixture, then 1.75 into the real season we were being melted by the only white-hot heat they could muster all year. As long as 28 men brave and true survived (relatively) uninjured and unsuspended, that would be good enough for me. So hello and welcome back. In the unlikely event that you're a first time reader, fair warning that the lack of in-depth analysis has nothing to do with it being a pre-season game. And if you need proof of that please consult the previous 21 seasons of posts. By the end of AFLW season I'll have done about nine months of posts and gone completely bonkers, so enjoy the lucid moments while they last.

 

Like the all-time great false alarm of Round 1, 2025, this started with a goal in the first minute. Back then came from slashing, and frankly misleading, ball movement from the centre bounce, this year's version featured Brody Mihocek barging his way through a crowd in front of goal. Incidentally, the first mention of Mihocek on these pages came in 2019, when he had four goals and our entire side only three. He got two of our first three goals before receiving the 'Welcome to Melbourne' welcome gift of a concussion. 

I'll take goals however they're on offer, so more of the same please. Less of North's reply, where our backline stood in a protective circle to make sure the mark was taken without interruption. You don't want to go over the top about recruits considering Harry Sharp got four in this game last year, but Mihocek's second vindicated (as far I'm concerned anyway) my whinging about not having a big bistard to take the heat off Van Rooyen last year. If a bum like me could see it, a trained professional like Steven King must have winced watching what did to JVR last year.  

As I'm not on the working from home racket (come on, you know what you're up to), the marquee 4pm Friday timeslot did me no favours. I had to watch on mute (missing the wildcard commentary team of Harriet Cordner and Some Bloke), and was only about 75% focused, but considered dropping the strides in public when Pickett kicked a goal, then bombed out of the middle for another immediately after. Turned out I'd missed a Bailey Laurie goal before that, which is a shame because if he gets as many opportunities as last year you won't see him again until Round 11.

I'd lose a game of 'First Round Pick or Top Up Player' on the North list, so god knows how seriously they were taking this, but we were six goals to one up at the end of the quarter before doing the obvious thing and conceding in DemonTime for the first time in 2026. I suspect it won't be the last. The game was advertised as 25 minute quarters + 'scenarios', and one scenario I'd like to avoid is Lever in one-on-one contests inside 50. To be fair he did stop another one soon after with of his trademark big spoils, but if May's not coming back then Turner, McDonald, and surely to god Petty, must be deployed to let him roam about intercepting anything that comes near.  

You can't play pre-season North every week, but if I was mad enough to make a snap judgement on the season after this, I'd say until Mihocek disappeared it looked like we had more dangerous forwards than defenders for the first time since... David Neitz? There was further concern about the backline when North opened the second quarter with another goal from a mark close to goal under zero pressure, but after that they did stuff all. In related news, I'm startled that Jack Darling is still playing.

I don't feel bad about not giving this game full attention. Watching these matches, especially the bit where they start simulating, feels like when you used to be able to listen to police radio. It's interesting, but not intended to public consumption. Halfway through the second quarter it was revealed I was on a five minute delay when a tweet from the club about forward pressure leading to a Chandler goal arrived before it showed on my screen. The pressure came from Kentfield, who apparently broke his face at some point because he's wearing the most sinister black mask since the very much not-safe-for-anywhere Machine from 8mm.

Speaking of matters related to sexual deviancy, my loins were stirred when Pickett narrowly missed adding another via NBA Jam-style turbo boost from the middle. While Pickett, K was flinging around the ground at maximum speed, Pickett, L seemed to be on a work experience tour to the backline during the first half. Later, they would combine in the forward line and it was just as charismatic as you'd expect. I'm sure there's more of the same coming from Kysaiah this season, but it's both thrilling and disappointing when somebody plays an absolute corker in one of these meaningless games. See also Petracca vs Adelaide in 2020 before his momentum was delayed for three months by virus.

Then it was everyone's favourite bit, where the players carry on with what they'd been doing for the rest of the half, but pretend the score is different. We had first go at defending a two point lead for two minutes, and I've got a few hints on how to manage a situation like this. Don't blow an eight goal lead in the first place, let the best player on the ground take screamers over Fritsch in defence, give away a bonehead 6-6-6 free kick with seconds left, or leave aforementioned best player standing on his own inside 50. 

The good news is that, unlike most close games last year, we held on to 'win'. I like how Kayo changes the scoreboard to the fake score during the scenario, giving you an 0.1 second heart attack when half watching as you think "Christ, when did we concede all these goals?"

The start of the third quarter was... Picketty. K kicked one, then set up the newly forward L, who dropped a sitter in the square, but tapped it back into the path of K to chip it through off the ground like an NRL conversion. Pickett Jr. held a mark a few minutes later but booted it out on the full, then later in the quarter went for a dash down the wing, gestured for a forward to lead, then kicked it OOF at near right angles. All part of the leaning journey, so I'm happy for him to start by setting up Harlem Globetrotter goals for his cousin and working his way up.

By now the excitement of watching any sort of Melbourne game was fading a bit and I was alternatively thinking "get on with Round 1 already" and "any danger North might take this seriously?" You could have flown a jumbo jet through the space they were leaving for us to run through, which was much appreciated but hardly an indication of what we're going to get against better teams.    

In the absence of Gawn, I liked Heath and he'll get a game in Round 1 thanks to a) the new interchange rules, b) St Kilda having two ruckmen, and c) the hope of him stitching up his old side on debut. Given that the club itself never shuts about that game against the Saints, do you think it's more or less awkward for them discussing it with their new teammates than Lachie Hunter and Josh Schache having to regularly walk past the premiership cup they were WALLOPED out of? 

I'd have been even frothier about Heath's prospects if he'd kicked either of his set shots, but I still think he'll go past one gamer Wayne Henwood in our all-time ranking of people called 'Moose'. More importantly, as far as St Kilda imports go, I think Jack Steele will cover Dunstan and Billings combined. He did exactly as expected, and will come in very handy given our diminished midfield stocks.

I finally got to listen with volume in the last quarter, and had NFI what they were on about after Tholstrup did a wacky young person goal celebration. For the next two minutes all Harriet's mate talked about was either 'Sallies' or 'Cellies', interrupted only by Steele and Langford kicking goals. Thank you for your concern, but there's no need to write in and confirm what they were actually talking about because it'll just make me angry.

Once the margin reached 10 goals midway through the last quarter we had an excessively Hollywood moment. Pickett (L) dashed around a few helpless defenders, but resisted the natural urge to have a big old snap and instead passed backwards to Rivers, who must have felt slighted that he didn't get to see Pickett do something exciting, because he decided to try and play on instead of going back for a set shot. Hooray for playing on instinct, but at this point of the first remotely real game of the season, on a 30 degree day, I'm sure his teammates were cursing him for costing them 30 seconds rest. 

We were winning by heaps so no harm done. Pre-season for everyone etc... etc... Including the umpire who let McSizzle get away with the droppingest of dropping the balls, and one who conscientiously objected to the concept 'shrug = prior opportunity' and let players get away with whatever they liked.

God knows what we were supposed to make of all this. North seemed putrid, but you suspect Clarkson is taking the Paul Roos approach of not giving a rats about losing pre-season games. Best not get excited and accidentally slur anyone just before the suspended sentence expires.

There was nothing to be gained from obliterating North except unreasonably raised expectations, so things slowed down a bit after that. However, we still had time for more some L. Pickett excitement when he darted around a couple of defenders who'd lost the will to live and set up Kentfield, the Phantom of Casey Fields, for a goal. I really hope Kent sticks with the plastic luchadore gimmick forever. Take heed of the tragic case of Olivia Purcell, who went back to playing bareface, then did a knee.

With two minutes left it was Simulation O'Clock, and for the first time in the history of Australian Rules football, a team instantly went from being 79 (ish?) points ahead to two behind. Even in the days when they'd wipe your whole score for fielding too many players it would need the game to be 79-2 when that happened. Now we were playing to overcome a lead in the last two minutes, which should've come with a trigger warning considering some of our BULLSHIT attempts at winning games from this position recently. 

The whole premise was ruined after 30 seconds when Sharp put us ahead, now it was a repeat of the scenario from the first half. If they didn't feel some obligation to play seriously I'm sure the teams would've just gone back to the centre, pretended the goal didn't happen, and let North try to defend the lead until time ran out. Despite us being 80-something points in front, the game nearly ended in total farce when the siren only just beat North to a mark and a shot on goal to 'win' the simulation. Only at Melbourne could you win in a landslide and still nearly lose to a kick after the siren. 

2025 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance
Despite the intraclub being such a glorified training session that half the players wore hats and Caleb Windsor kicked goals for both sides, I was going to add it to the Prymke mix just to add some variety in the leaderboard. By the time the full video was online I'd moved on and satisfied myself with the highlights. Instead, may I present what is arguably the most eclectic set of votes ever.

5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jack Steele
3 - Blake Howes
2 - Luker Kentfield
1 - Max Heath

Next week

After this fake practice match, it's a real one. Against Richmond in, for unclear reasons, Ballarat next Friday afternoon. In simpler times I went there for a pre-season game, and would now require more complex calculations than the space program to watch live if games were playing at the end of my street.

 

Final thoughts
Buggered if I know what this means for the rest of the year, but mission accomplished for those of us who just like seeing Melbourne win any sort of game.