F'n Q

Based on previous season-defining games in Cairns I expected this one to start at about 5.45pm Melbourne time, which failed to account for Queensland's refusal to participate in daylight saving. That was a bit of a downer for anyone who is still fanging to watch anything MFC but had to get up at bullshit o'clock and is burnt to a crisp after writing about 37 match posts in the last 12 months/not having a good night's sleep since about 1994.

This is why I didn't see the second half until about 4.30 in the morning, missing out on live disappointment of narrowly missing football thievery that would have rivalled the Adelaide win for comedy value and immorality. Somehow despite Hawthorn dominating practically every facet of the game, and our contribution to what must have been the all-time AFLW record for intercept marks, there were opportunities to be one point down with time left, or to pinch a draw in the dying seconds. But we weren't, we didn't, and our season is kaput without a big upset in a league that only has about two big upsets a year.

The W fanbase has had full value from the last weeks, and yay for pulling back from the slop abyss, but I still reserve to right to be a bit glum about coming so close to another great backs-to-the-wall win. Who knows if the Essendon game would have still been a draw due to butterflies flapping their wings and all that, but if so we'd have been inexplicably left with our fate in our own hands entering the last round after looking clinically dead five weeks ago. Now we need to win and for the Bombers to do something hilariously inept against a Carlton side that hasn't done a thing for years.

When you talk about being killed by hope it's hard not to think of the all-time legend of this feeling, the man who survived a premiershipless life, back-to-back wooden spoons, 186, off-field tragedy, and 16.75 rounds of the Mark Neeld era before loudly storming out yelling "I can't take this anymore" because we blew a three goal lead against Freo. With those coping skills there's no way he's still alive 12 years later, but his legacy lives on every time I'm disappointed when we're teased by something unexpectedly good.

If opposition fans are keeping receipts (hello fellow young people), my implication that Hawthorn was only at the top of the ladder thanks to playing a string of crap sides might have come back to haunt me. To their credit, they'll be doing what we won't in a couple of weeks, but you may remember another side that walloped rubbish all season then fell over in finals. And if that happens Eliza West and Casey Sherriff would surely be the first pair ever to have consecutive straight sets exits at different clubs. I wish them both well personally but hope it happens for historical reasons.

Even after keeping the opposition goalless in the second half we were still flattered by the margin, but our fairytale finish started looking for the nearest emergency exit as soon as Kate Hore withdrew with a sore leg. Better not to risk her if unfit but what a massive loss when our depth has only just been upgraded to 'thin' from 'non-existent'. We also lost Colvin to a head knock just before returning from a head knock, so obviously after weeks without a mystery midweek injury we've put him from Full Metal Jacket in charge of training again.   

In the place where seasons go to die ours probably did again. Like 2020 we can still Bradbury in via the misfortune of others but likely won't. Who knows if Hore would've made the ultimate difference but given we were outplayed for most of the game, half the side struggled to get a kick and we still nearly grabbed something in the dying seconds she can only have helped. Especially when most of our kicks proceeded directly into the hands of a Hawthorn player in miles of space. This helped us stay in the game because a lot of time was taken up with this mad, hopeful punting into the distance. It was like when rugby union was a thing, one team hoofing it downfield, the other carrying it a few metres back before kicking it themselves, insert some weird rule interpretations that nobody understands, repeat endlessly.

It was one of those performances where nobody really deserved votes and if the system allowed it you'd probably distribute the 15 across eight or nine players who were ok. For instance, credit to McNamara, Hanks and Mackin for getting lots of the ball, but they generally followed it with mass slaughter. They didn't have much to aim at, but while disposal efficiency isn't everything, endless open play turnovers are death.

Things never looked better than the opening minutes, when regularly we had the ball at our end, and eventually Gall converted another set shot goal. I was ready to shut the game down and start this week's Rising Star presentation ceremony, then she only got two more kicks for the night. Still, she's made a lot of progress in the last few weeks and I'll launch a challenge against the board if not picked in Round 1 next year.

Now, please step into controversy corner. I support tracking down people who are awful to sportspeople on the internet and throwing them from an upstairs window, but have surely demonstrated enough support for women in sport to be able to ask for a break from Kelli Underwood's commentary. Brian Taylor still occupies the top right hand corner of the 'unprepared/ludicrously self-confident' axis (axes?), but after a couple of Dwayne-free months I'm relegating him to third place because he talks shite but gets the players right most of the time. 

I'm more than happy with female commentators but if there's not enough to go around, the AFL and broadcasters should be actively recruiting ex and soon-to-be ex-players and/or any enthusiastic amateurs for development. Maybe recruit some from Ireland, it seems to work for the players. And get on with it quickly, I'd rather listen to Lidia Thorpe and Pauline Hanson call a game together than go through this again.

This was the third and final leg of our Haunted By Premiership Players tour. First Birch, then Gay, and finally West and Sherriff simultaneously. But mainly West, with respect to Sherriff playing her first game since Round 2. When she was with us West got a lot of the ball but didn't always use it well, and at a base level it was similar in opposition, but watching her on the other side I appreciated the close-quarter spelunking that broke open packs and created space for teammates. Purcell does a version of this and even in fancy dress she's a good player but I didn't properly appreciate how good it was with both operating at the same time. The world's biggest trade meant we lost Sheriff, West and Gay for what turned into Pisano, Wotherspoon and Jacinta Hose so there's still plenty of time to come out of this ahead but it puts in perspective how much experience we lost at the end of last year. Between that, our fixture, and run with injuries this year narrowly missing finals is nearly an achievement. Making it would be nuts.

There was another ex-MFC cameo in their backline, and admittedly I was considering putting my head into a bucket of water for most of the commentary but did they ever mention Ainslie Kemp as one of our Round 1, 2017 originals? If it didn't make the fun facts sheet nobody was going to bring it up at random. Kemp missed the joy of our premiership by virtue of leaving the club three seasons before it happened but had plenty of chances to get a touch at our expense here, as the rare times we cleared the ball across halfway were turned back with the greatest of ease. By quarter time they'd turned countless opportunities into two goals and I thought we were about to be swept away. They were much better at moving the ball but couldn't convert. Part of it was good defence, part Hawthorn having so many options to kick to that they didn't know which one to use.

They only got one goal in the second quarter, which turned out to be their last of the game, but sadly it was enough as our attacking composure drifted out towards New Caledonia. Zanker may have been robbed out of a mark, but you'd never know because they didn't show the alleged free kick incident again. Either they've decided that everyone can rewind live TV these days, or more likely there's a directive not to show contentious decisions. But then every second in-game post on the league's official Twitter (never in a million years X - and the quicker Bluesky gets some momentum the better) is somebody being KOed in a tackle or otherwise maimed so maybe the whole thing is just run like Channel 31.

I appreciate the idea of not dwelling on the decisions of umpires practically doing it for the love of the game but you're taking the piss out of viewers not showing anything. If it leads to a goal we should get to see it once without editorials from the commentators. Meanwhile see you in 2025 for the broadcast of men's games where every contentious decision is followed by a cut to some defeated middle-aged man doing his block in the crowd. The replay machine was certainly working, because when the Hawthorn player took a big mark in the third quarter it was shown several times over the top of commentary so patronising to an indigenous player that even a politically neutral suburban dickhead like me was cringing.

We rode our luck a bit with their attacks in the second half, but Bannan got the lone goal of the third quarter and kept the margin to a manageable nine at the last change. The biggest impact of the quarter was to Sinead Goldrick's head, as the only rebounding player we had who could hit targets was cannoned into the ground by a tackle. She survived, only to end the game in Cloud Cuckoo Land after taking a knee to the face. Good performance until then though, spoiler alert but I thought she was clearly our best.

After regularly fading in the last quarter we managed to kick multiple sealers against Richmond before the lights went out when it couldn't hurt us, but with increasingly sweaty conditions, absence of captain, and nearly three full quarters of injury crisis weeks style attacking, nine points has never looked more like a mountain. And in a truly weird quarter both teams had chances, neither took them, and it ended with the ball at our end and crying out for somebody to do one of those bullshit goals where you aimlessly kick and it bounces over everyone's head.

We had two gettable set shots, and the pivotal moment was Mithen with a minute and change left. If you've been watching for long enough you'll remember her first career goals coming from a similiar position in a final. Alas it was not to be this time, meaning the best we could hope for was a draw that may or may not have been worth anything. I'd still have taken it just to avoid a side called Melbourne losing an AFL game.

Against everything we've learned this season, another five minutes might have done us well but time ran out and we were left to rely on Essendon doing anything but winning against Richmond to keep a tiny flicker of season alive. They supplied one of the two acceptable options and we're playing before them next week so sadly have to take it seriously. I still think we could do Elimination Final damage at best but am interested in testing the theory.

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Sinead Goldrick
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Olivia Purcell
2 - Maeve Chaplin
1 - Eliza McNamara

Apologies to Bannan, Fitzsimon, Heath and Mackin.

Leaderboard
Let's not prematurely act like there's a chance of this competition extending beyond next week, and it was set for an unexpectedly grandstand finish until the last minute concussion which has undoubtedly ended Goldrick's season. So unless Hanks does something so extraordinary that she becomes the first six vote player in history then the captain has this in the bag. After two best and fairest wins, this is Hore's inaugural Daisy. The big drama will be amongst the defenders, as Chaplin sneaks ahead of Gillard. Gall and Pearce are still catchable in their awards but I can't see either happening.

23 - Kate Hore (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Daisy Pearce Medal for Player of the Year)
19 - Sinead Goldrick
17 - Tyla Hanks
15 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Eliza McNamara
14 - Tahlia Gillard
8 - Blaithin Mackin
7 - Alyssa Bannan
5 - Shelley Heath, Paxy Paxman, Olivia Purcell
4 - Sarah Lampard, Lily Mithen
3 - Georgia Gall (LEADER: Rising Star), Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Georgia Campbell, Rhiannon Watt

Goal of the Week
Without much to choose from, Gall wins for encouragement purposes. I'm not as frothy about Bannan's clubhouse leader goal as I was last week when it formed part of our path to a mystery flag but it was still had timing, context and execution on its side so remains in front.

Next Week
In a wildcard reversal of the men's competition, it's a last round practical dead rubber against Collingwood where we have the outside chance of making finals. When I expected Essendon to beat Richmond and make it so we had to win by about 150 points my first instinct was to pick every fit player who started year without a game - keep Taylor and Wotherspoon, debut Rigoni, and bring back Delany to see if I can consistently spell her name right this time. Now that we have to win, and would really rather avoid providing one of the rare AFLW upsets by losing to a putrid Collingwood side, I suppose it's in Colvin, Hore, Paxman and let's go for it as best possible before settling down for a rare evening of wanting Carlton to win. 

I can see our bit happening, the other doesn't seem very likely but it will be laughs all round if Essendon go from clubbing us into the ground two months ago to being pipped for a finals spot. 

Final thought
It was/will be fun while it lasted.

Loud noises

Thanks to the Grand Final Eve Massacre I'm sure we'll miss the finals and probably wouldn't do much damage in the unlikely event of making it, but considering where we were at in late September it's a modern miracle that a potential Mighty Ducks Finish is back on the agenda. Even with our sad slide from the finals and players evacuating as if going for the lifeboats on a sinking ferry we were still a top eight team until the injury plague, and this proves it beyond any doubt. Hold on for a bit longer against Freo, keep the damage against Essendon below record levels and the next fortnight would be on like the proverbial.

We've gone from finding the slightest pulse against a GWS team still on 1.5 wins, to an outside chance of having a ticket in the lottery despite sitting about 40 points below our previous lowest percentage. If we're going to open the Ms. Bradbury Plan envelope for the first time it may as well get a prominent spot in the post, so with eight premiership points on offer our potential victims are - in order of likelihood - Essendon, Port, Freo and Richmond.

I think the half-baked fixture (which - let's be clear - is still better than conferences) will put us away unless we win both remaining games. Freo will beat GWS and Footscray and Port will beat Gold Coast and GWS. Richmond might lose to Essendon and Hawthorn but have a huge percentage gap on us, and Essendon will beat Carlton in the last round. You'll note a lot of easybeat teams in that list who we didn't play, but there is still the prospect of adding another chapter to our list of embarrassing losses against Collingwood in the final game. And if that happens watch the weirdos who are philosophically opposed to AFLW coming out of the woodwork to hang shit on us.

So there's a slender chance, but even if it doesn't happen you can't argue with the revival. This was light years ahead of the GWS win, courtesy of returning stars and players who have had their development fast-tracked out of necessity. I'd like to find out if we could beat Adelaide properly instead of them doing A+ hari kari, but the last two weeks have been a return to the good-not-great status that saw us (massive spin job to follow) play two finals last year.

Last week suggested better things ahead, but there was a step-up in class from a mid-table St Kilda side to Richmond firmly established inside the eight - the latest team who we used to treat like traffic cones before they became our theoretical superiors. Insert the usual mid-2000s nostalgia about them being coached by Ryan Ferguson. Shame this wasn't the week for the last fit player on the list Jemma Rigoni to debut, setting up the unlikeliest of season 2005 crossovers. Instead, after two years on our list and one with the Tigers, Saraid Taylor became the second-last potential debut. You'll never top Mogadishu '77 as my all-time favourite raid, but even if it's a case of rising tide lifting all boats she came off better than some of the randoms we've used to fill gaps in defence over the last few seasons.

Even with the Watt/Campbell duo holding up better than expected in recent weeks, the return of Lauren Pearce from her version of the mystery training injury was welcome. Then the Richmond ruck decided they weren't having any of that, jumped over the top and propelled the ball directly towards their forward line where it stayed for minutes. We survived at first thanks to an umpire who missed McNamara 100% failing to dispose of the ball correctly, and last line of defence specialist Chaplin for marking a snap in the goalsquare. At the risk of setting off political drama I'm not going to suggest exactly which missile interception system she should be loaned out to, but she's saved us plenty in the last few weeks by being in the right spot at the right time. We've determined that I know rock all about tactics but wouldn't you try to drag her as far up the ground as possible? Maybe it's been tried and failed.

In a season where we've attacked like the Oak Park Nursing Home Over 80s, seeing our first forward entry flung back in the opposite direction as if via catapult suggested another grim defensive struggle. Then all our stout defence turned out to be for nothing as we conceded a hopeful snap that got a run on and beat everyone to the line. At this point I'd have asked for astronomical odds on our highest score of the year and a win confirmed early in the last quarter. Enter Alyssa Bannan, completing the last leg of her return to form with goals at Casey. Two from open play in the first quarter alone, four for the game, and official elevation to barometer status.

If you're going to play forward for us, having Zanker down there would certainly help but extra coverage has been added by Georgia Gall's rapid emergence as a forward threat. A few weeks ago she was more Georgia F. All, but was so good here that it made me think about cashing in on Tayla Harris and looking to the future. Her goal came from as good a lead > kick to lead > convert from difficult angle combination that we've ever done. There's probably room for both, Pearce's return meant they had to play Campbell forward and she wasn't disgraced, but Gall must stay in the team now. 

These goals prompted several unexpected minutes of domination without further score, before we got torched by a player pissbolting through the middle, taking multiple bounces in postcodes of space, then giving it the full DemonTime with 40 seconds left. But this was followed by a Reverse DemonTime counter when Bannan sliced one off the outside of her boot with three seconds left, restoring a six point lead. 

No idea how we ended that quarter with three goals, but at the same time it felt like we were a bit of consistent forward pressure away from a troubling forward line for the first time all season. And for most of the second quarter we were also any decent forward entry away, with Richmond defenders plucking intercepts at a Chaplin-esque level. I think after a relative flood of goals in the first quarter the coaches clammed up in a way that would really annoy people who don't even watch the competition but happened to see a Facebook post. We finally got a goal when Campbell took a big mark, and even when she pulled the shot into the pocket it landed with Zanker, setting off massive celebrations from Bannan before she'd even kicked it.

This wasn't premiership Melbourne, but certainly better than the team flirting with a wooden spoon and percentage under 50 a few weeks ago. When Bannan started the third quarter by converting another lead > kick > mark > convert sequence from a funky angle some might have almost felt sorry for Richmond providing opposition on the day we finally took our chances. But not me. She nearly got another one on the run straight after and we looked half a chance of running away with it. Getting comfortable is the worst thing you can do when watching Melbourne, because the rest of the quarter was all Richmond. We were lucky not to concede twice, first from a player trying to mark a ball on the line instead of letting it go through, then a missed set shot. 

Regardless, back to back 1-0 quarters had us up by 16, and with our bolstered lineup I had faith we could hold on. We didn't just do that, but ran away with it. By the time Hanks, Bannan and Gall had piled on the margin it was looking like a much-needed percentage booster. The tension got too much for one Richmond player who tried got frustrated and started trying to wrestle anyone who came near but I'm not going to mock when she's the one more likely to be playing finals in three weeks.

With Chaplin off for the whole last quarter, apparently not due to injury, the defence finally creaked a bit in the dying minutes and we let them boot three consolation goals. At the time I didn't think it would do much harm, but after finding out Essendon was about seven goals down to North the next day it make me wonder if we could have got close enough to tip them out of the finals with one win from the next two. Alas North pulled up - leaving them with a percentage of about 330 - only added one more goal to the total and one of our loopholes was shut. We'll have to do it the hard way, but if it happens it'll be certified footy gold.

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Alyssa Bannan
4 - Kate Hore
3 - Shelley Heath
2 - Sarah Lampard
1 - Georgia Gall

Apologies to many, including Chaplin, Gillard, Hanks, McNamara, Purcell and Zanker.

Leaderboard
The most likely scenario is this competition ending in two weeks, making it all but certain that the captain wins. Fair enough too. There's still a bit of action in the minors, with the Gillard/Chaplin battle for defensive supremacy and Gall still vulnerable in the Rising Star.

23 - Kate Hore
14 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Sinead Goldrick, Eliza McNamara
--- Not without finals ---
13 - Maeve Chaplin, Tyla Hanks
8 - Blaithin Mackin
7 - Alyssa Bannan
5 - Shelley Heath, Paxy Paxman
4 - Sarah Lampard, Lily Mithen
3 - Georgia Gall (LEADER: Rising Star), Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Megan Fitzsimon, Olivia Purcell
1 - Georgia Campbell, Rhiannon Watt

Goal of the Week
I would have to say the Bannan one in the dying seconds of the first quarter. In fact I enjoyed it so much it has been promoted to clubhouse leader for the overall title.

Next Week
We're off to Cairns for a weekday game with our finals chances hanging by a thread. Where have I seen this before? This time if there's a tropical downpour and we play an ill-suited forward I'll buy it under the 'we don't have anyone else' rule. Well, maybe not when we've got shorter players. God only knows why we're playing Hawthorn in Far North Queensland. I think it's got something to do with indigenous round but there's got to be somewhere closer to do the always popular Narrm thing than the northernmost habitable part of Australia.

Remember last time we played Hawthorn and were hot enough favourites to do a coaching switcheroo? Now they're 8-1, second on the ladder with a boffo percentage and have a couple of our old premiership players. Then you look at who they've played and other than Adelaide it's the biggest collection of jabronis known to humankind, so I'm not saying we will win but I'm more hopeful than usual in these circumstances. What if this time wacky regional weather works in our favour? Then we could avoid a humiliating last round loss to Pies and the world will be confirmed arse backwards.

Final thought
Well, you just never know.

Thanks Hanks

In another week where people who aren't really interested are getting their undergarments in a knot over the standard of AFLW, we're tackling the big issues at Demonblog.com. For instance, if you've got a 'Pride Round' that takes place within 'Week 7' of the season why not just call it 'Pride Week'? We must have been bursting with pride because they picked us to play twice. 

From a purely football perspective it's lucky we don't have any of the pride jumper conscientious objectors because we're already short on depth without players chucking a double sickie under circumstances best handled between them and their teammates, not random munters off the internet. As for those of us looking in from the outside, I think the key takeaway is to avoid being an insufferable wanker about other people's life choices.

We're on the verge of the AFL doing a panicky league reconstruction just to placate sad middle-aged men in the Facebook comments, so here's to it meaning the 'compressed fixture' is compressed until it's flat enough to be slid under the door never to be seen again. And if they come up with a two division system now then I want a) royalty money, and b) a legal challenge if we end up in the bottom section after one pox season from nine. 

If we had to play twice in four days things couldn't have gone any better - first a shock win, then the reintroduction of three premiership players. Last week pulled our season off the edge of a cliff, and just as the Ms. Bradbury Plan got the slightest bit of life about it here came Paxman, Purcell and Zanker fresh and ready to contribute. It would have been an even more aesthetically pleasing list if Pearce was there too, but after the Campbell/Watt duo reached their highest point last week I was content with them having another go. 

Fans of obscure statistics please note that Watt is now the second oldest person to play a senior game for Melbourne at 36 years, 310 days. After leading the campaign for Delany Madigan - despite spelling her first name wrong all the time - we're backing an assault on Jack Leith's record of 39y, 296d. I'll admit to rarely knowing opposition players before they join us, but I wasn't surprised to discover that one of Watt's best career games was on that horrific night at Moorabbin when we were red hot favourites then kicked for goal as if deranged. Sure, she played against a ruck division consisting of Harriet Cordner and a barely 20-year-old Eden Zanker, but they won and she never had more hitouts in a game until this month.

On that dreadful night in 2020 (in front at 3/4 time after kicking 1.8, then failing to score in the final term) there was genuine surprise at losing, but now that the ravages of time have finally caught up with us we started as underdogs. 'Changing of the guard' is a massive cliche but we've suffered a record loss to Essendon, Hawthorn is on top of the ladder, and Footscray have gone from our arch nemesis to trying to brick up games like a village team playing against Brazil 1970, so some form of equalisation is working. The only problem is that some of the teams have been equalised into dust, which is where we were heading a couple of weeks ago. Now after two wins, this was a good chance to test where we were at after the reintroduction of P, P and Z. On ladder position alone, the Saints were in the same bracket as Fremantle and Essendon, and considering the violently opposing directions those games took there was no telling what was going to happen here - other than a good chance of not scoring in the final quarter.

The outer at Moorabbin looked so much like Casey Fields that I had a moment of doubt at the first bounce and thought we might have been playing at home. Both grounds have their own Mt. Variable Weather style ecosystem, in this case causing one of the pre-match cameras to bounce up and down enough to make you queasy, but the key advantage of this place (other than not being 50 minutes closer to the city) was a ferris wheel. You might not let your kids ride the thing, but it added literal carnival atmosphere to the game.

The big wheel took some time to be revealed because all the early play was happening at our end. As usual getting the ball inside 50 was not the issue, but landing it with a teammate or at least forcing a contest was proving more difficult. This coupled with St. Kilda's commitment to Stalingrad style defence suggested this wasn't the day we'd cast off the shackles and kick another big score. It also didn't help kicking into a wind that made the ball randomly sink like a stone out of mid-air, so under the circumstances kicking our highest score of the year was an achievement. 

Following recent trends, we did all our best scoring work at the start of the game then clammed up and tried to survive at the end. With that strategy any assistance from opponents is welcome, so cheers to the one whose optimistic attempt to run out of difference was met with a Goldrick tackle and another Bannan goal. Banno didn't do much else after this, but for all my early season whinging she is now equal top goalscorer so do please carry on. Mind you, it's not exactly Lockett vs Dunstall vs Modra for that honour, and shortly after Georgia Campbell cracked the top five with her second of the season.

Nobody had any idea what GC got the ruck free kick for, and the not-so-subtle suggestions by the commentators that they'd appreciate seeing a replay were ignored. Regardless, the theory that Campbell will kick goals if given chances was furthered as she nine-ironed her set shot through against the wind.

I can't see a situation where I'd ever trust a two goal first quarter lead, but it's sure better than the alternative. It's a little easier to trust when you've got good players back in the side. Purcell's mask was even more severe than I'd hoped for, but as much as I'm prepared to back the medical staff (no matter how much King's Birthday-related defamation they've suffered) it felt risky for somebody to have to play with a glorified ice cream lid wrapped around their face. When she hit the deck in the first quarter and didn't come up with a bit I obviously went straight to catastrophe and was worried that it had backfired and rebroken her face. Thankfully not, and she was not only ok to continue but played a game that helped remind you what we've been missing for the first seven rounds/weeks/eras.

Nobody was expecting miracles from a player returning from their face melding back together, but Purcell's comeback helped take heat off midfielders who have been flat-out trying to do it all recently. Hanks and McNamara have had very good moments this season but they'd have enjoyed having another serial ball-getter in the side, and responded by racking up bulk possessions. Funny how much better everything looks when you get swathes of your first choice side back together.

All this, including holding St Kilda scoreless, came against the wind but I've been dudded before by thinking we'd mastered the conditions only for things to still go sour. The party temporarily continued when Zanker was gifted a goal via another free seemingly plucked from thin-air, complete with definitive proof from a replay this time. The moral repayment came when Gillard's year of saving our bacon finally turned and she was beaten for a mark and goal. Two years ago she comprehensively fixed up the same opponent in a Grand Final and was ROBBED out of BOG honours so I was happy to trade minor disappointment in a mid-season, mid-table, mid-everything contest for a hands-down win when it really mattered.

One of the underrated highlights of AFLW is hearing people yell weird things from the crowd, and the cry of "Let's go Temu" was either a topical nickname or niche guerilla marketing. See also the St Kilda player called J'Noemi, who may be the first person in VFL/AFL history named after a brand of sewing machine (yes, I checked for anybody called Singer, Brother, or PFAFF). And on the subject of names, after our recent problems with Natalie Wood, the theme of Hollywood tragedy continued with them fielded Grace Kelly. Who's next, Jayne Mansfield or Lupe Valez?

We've sorely missed goals from nowhere this year, so Goldrick shuffling away from a defender then whacking it on the boot from 40 metres out was nice - and a rare example of the wind actually helping us. Alas we ended the quarter pretty much where it started after their lone-hand forward got a second. Given how we've been finishing games I was happy enough holding a two goal advantage, but it still felt like if you gave each team 100 of the same forward entries they'd make more of them. Good thing it doesn't work that way.

Surviving the wind once then falling victim the second time is one of footy's great stitch ups, so when we conceded the first two goals after the break I thought "here we go" and stopped pondering miracle finals runs. For the second time a suspect ruck contest free saved us, this time off the ball to Purcell at the top of the square, giving her teammates the chance to risk reinjury by vigorously patting her around the head. We can't be sure if it was the worst free of the day because they never replayed the first one, but in combination with the Zanker one. I sense fans of the home team may have been a touch frustrated at the umpiring. 

To further annoy the locals, the Purcell free wouldn't have happened without Zanker doing a huge shove of an opponent moments before. Her chance came from a great kick from Paxman, who delivered another lovely pass to Hore that made you realise that even at the tail end of a great career we were hasty in trying to pack away Paxy in the back pocket. I don't know how much life there's left in our season, but if there's anything to be had from it Paxman could be an important contributor.

We went into the last quarter 10 points ahead, and if you believe in the magical power of wind we should have been right. I prefer hard evidence and the combination of our lack of scoring power and flat last quarters had me nervy. The first goal settled some nerves, and in another great moment for umpiring conspiracy theories Campbell's big jump at the ball that made it was probably - to the letter of the law - an unrealistic attempt. After he best ruck game last week, this was probably the first time Campbell looked like making a difference forward, and sure this was a big agricultural but it opened the door for Zanker to kick the SHIT out of a snap and create some breathing space.

The lead was nearly three goals but nowhere near safe in what was mostly an even game, and they had the best forward on the ground in Wardlaw - who regained some more lost dignity from the Grand Final with a third goal. But for the third week in a row we left the door unlocked and the opposition declined to push it open. 

Via some of the most extreme candy selling of all time Hanks extended the margin to 12, before we got the all-important Handy Point courtesy of a defensive meltdown that allowed Paxy to smother, then bounce one towards goal. It went the wrong way but vital time had been wasted and we were safe, not without a couple of moments of concern. I doubt they had enough time for three goals, but one would have made it interesting had they not foolishly played on after a free kick and run straight into a monster Gillard tackle. 

The ball remained up at our end with no time for three goals and for all the abject misery, picking every fit person on the list and activating Rent-A-Player we've won three in a row and even with the handicap of a putrid percentage the season has officially been extended for another week. Which was nice.

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Eliza McNamara
3 - Kate Hore
2 - Olivia Purcell
1 - Paxy Paxman

Apologies to Chaplin, Goldrick, Mithen, Zanker

Leaderboard
If you take the view that we're too far back to make finals there's only 15 votes left, so the dreaded dotted line makes its first appearance. At the top, the captain has opened a nice lead that should see her home from here but stay tuned because you never know what sort of weird and wonderful things will happen. All the minor awards are still up for grabs too, so feel free to embrace the drama. 

19 - Kate Hore
14 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Sinead Goldrick, Eliza McNamara
13 - Maeve Chaplin, Tyla Hanks
9 - Sinead Goldrick
8 - Kate Hore, Blaithin Mackin
5 - Paxy Paxman
4 - Lily Mithen
--- Not without finals ---
3 - Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Alyssa Bannan, Megan Fitzsimon, Georgia Gall (LEADER: Rising Star), Shelley Heath, Sarah Lampard, Olivia Purcell
1 - Georgia Campbell, Rhiannon Watt

Goal of the Week
With apologies to Zanker's howitzer snap, I'm going with the Goldrick one. But not enough to topple Hore in Geelong as the clubhouse leader.

Next Week
It's the novel idea of playing one game per round, and that will be at home against fringe top four contenders Richmond on Saturday. They're exactly where I thought we'd be, comfortably making finals but no obvious prospects of doing anything once they get there. It's curtains if we lose this, which we may very well do but I'm more confident than any time in the last few weeks of playing to our full capabilities.

Final thoughts
I - once again - love this stuff.

Smash and Grab

After the 2020 men's season there was a classic piece of footy punditry when Gerard Healy argued for shorter games by saying with an even straighter face than usual that "this means we can have more footy frenzies", as if normal people would be fanging for seven nights a week of footy once they were legally allowed to leave home again. Well, four years later the AFLW said "there's an idea" as a half-baked solution to expanding the season as far as its going in the near future. There are metrics, triggers, etc... that might lead to a proper extension, but they've been set at the equivalent of your annual bonus being tied to generating more turnover than the European Union.  

Look away now if you're ready to punch on with police horses for full-equality, but it doesn't really need to be extended any further in the short term. The idea that you're going to get an average 6000 attendance is Cloud Cuckoo Land insanity, but regardless of crowds there's an argument for playing more games once the competition balances up and sides aren't regularly kicking 0.5.5. Hooray for balance, especially now we've been relegated from elite to working class and I've discovered the joy of integrity and honest-to-god footy socialism. Nobody recorded Trotsky's views on making semi-professional players from razor-thin lists that have been destroyed by injury play twice in four days, but I'm sure he'd rather have pondered that than what really did go through his head.

It won't come as a surprise, but the most offensive part of it for me is the tedious administrative stuff. Because they've been watching the Premier League and think 'weeks' are better than rounds, we've got two matches in 'Week 7'. Which I'll be calling Round 7A and Round 7B thank you very much. I'm sure players and coaches alike couldn't give a continental but I reserve the right to be needlessly offended by anything that stuffs around with historical records. Well done to the club for standing against this nonsense by adopting the A/B system for as long as possible until the AFL bullies them into conforming.

Channel 7 was so confused by the fixturing shenanigans that they tried making us go back to Windy Hill again. Wrong red + black, but would anyone put it beyond them to make us play the same side twice in three weeks before Port Adelaide or Sydney once ever? It sure couldn't go much badly than our last visit.

I came into this game certain that the Crows would make the Windy Hill Massacre look tame in comparison, but against all logic and good sense we didn't kick a goal after the 10 minute mark of the first quarter and still won. It was one of the bravest wins we've ever had, but not sure it counts as a defensive masterclass when the opposition kept flubbing chances in slapstick fashion like the bandits from Home Alone. Options for great upsets are limited when you've been at or near the top of the competition since inception, but one small benefit to moderately dying in the arse (yes, a win last week etc... etc... go with me for narrative purposes) is being able to pull off memorable epic backs-to-the-wall victories like this. 

Purists would have set themselves on fire well before the final siren, and I'm not even going to pretend I'd have enjoyed it a fraction as much if we weren't involved, but if you're heavily invested in anyone wearing a Melbourne jumper winning by any means necessary this was tremendous stuff. Still not sure how it happened, so don't expect any great insight to follow.

It didn't bode well that the first centre bounce saw with an Adelaide player barrelling out of the middle at full speed like the Orient Express. We got away with it due to your friend and mine Gillard, but you were entitled to think it pointed to significant levels of trouble. But if you're going to get beaten at centre clearances, play a game where there's only three goals kicked. Somehow this lightning opening attack almost ended in Bannan kicking the first goal, before another forward entry that Gall should have marked well within range. Melbourne sides that do heaps right but suffer for lack of forwards who can take chances, where have I seen that before? Then Gall went on to play the game of her short career and played a huge part in us winning, so no harm done.

We'd started (relatively) well, but looked like even if everything went right there was no chance of creating clear scoring chances. Enter the umpires, for once there to help by bringing Campbell within range via a 50 metre penalty. She proceeded to kick the cover off the set shot, and based on that alone I suggest she proceeds directly to the Ben Brown Full Forward Academy in the off-season and learns how to become an inside 50 target because I think once ball gets to hand and stays there great vengeance could be unleashed.

Meanwile, a couple of weeks after I was ready to drop her to the practice squad, the Banno Comes Alive tour dropped into South Australia. She got an assist from the defender who unnecessarily clotheslined her while contesting a mark that was always going over their heads, but we were two goals up largely against the run of play. It was hard to see it lasting when we're averaging about 0.4 scoring shots per fourth quarter, but nobody could have known then how many times the Crows would fall flat on their faces when the game was gift-wrapped for the taking.   

Of all the recruits we've plucked from hither and yon to fill premiership-player sized holes, eg-Pivotonian Denby Taylor has been one of the better ones and she did a tremendous tackle in the first quarter when the opponent tried to run through her and was wrapped up in the style of Spiderman firing a high velocity web. Like most everyone else she was running on fumes by the end but this was very good. There was a fair bit of fume when you consider that we had two players who had one kick each, but like taking screamers and turning them straight over, teams who fill their boots with possessions get stuff without conversion.

We got out of jail when the Crows looked like scoring at the end of the first quarter. The first pass came just before the siren, but when it wasn't deemed far enough the wasted time was enough for us to get to the break without conceding a goal. It was a very good quarter but I couldn't help think back to the North game where we made the most of chances in the opening term before being swept off the table when the more-intact side got going. When the second quarter opened with another express fire-escape style exit from the middle I was in full confirmation bias mode, but we survived and were soon up the other end again. Regardless of how this game ended up, it was light years ahead of the Essendon debacle.

By now Adelaide had realised that we weren't going to roll over as easily as expected and the chances were starting to rack up at their end, nearly culminating in a randomly generated free when Chaplin was pinched for holding the jumper of an opponent who was equally clutching to her for dear life. Crows Broadcasting Service representative Abbey Holmes was crestfallen after seeing evidence that it wasn't all one way interference before justice was served when the kick slammed into the post from close range, making a satisfying metallic 'PING!" sound. 

It felt like we were one goal away from declaring night done, but a combination of desperate defence and the Crows dropping easy chest marks kept us ahead. We might have even extended the gap if the level of jumper intereference from the other end was applied to Bannan as she kicked along the ground towards the open square. We finally cracked when a player too far out to score found a teammate standing in her own area code of space inside 50 but they missed again. It's a dangerous game clinging to a lead and hoping for the opposition to keep missing, but we reached the half without conceding a goal. I'm happy to win by being boring, but we were about to see the biggest level of siege mentality since the BigFooty forums circa 2008-2009. 

We were finally breached five minutes into the third quarter, and worryingly it came via Adelaide chipping it around the forward 50 like a training drill. There was a chance to reply via a free kick so contentious that they never bothered showing a replay of it, but Wotherspoon missed the lot and we continued to cling to what seemed the least sustainable margin of all time. My kingdom for a forward line, but Adelaide helped themselves by correctly guessing where all the panicky forward kicks were going. Like the men's forward line at the start of every season, it lacked Kysaiah Pickett-style electricity at ground level/somebody to keep defenders accountable. Unlike the men it didn't matter because the opposition had collectively gone mad.

AFLW is usually short on shouty middle-aged man vibes, but one local did his bit for turning the atmosphere into the testosterone-powered gladiatorial wankfest we know and love (?) by shouting his displeasure at umpiring loudly enough for the whole country to hear. Annoying this person was a great reason for winning, but by now we were lucky to creating inside 50s let alone scores, so no matter how good the efforts were it needed Adelaide doubling down on football Hari Kari to save us.

A very nice Gall mark finally got us out of defence, but the problem was nobody forward of her to impact a contest and next thing Adelaide was carting into an open goal but that missed too and this looked like the reverse of that classic, oft-mentioned 5.05pm GWS game where we dominated but kicked as if heavily sedated.

The longer we clung to this ever-diminishing lead the sadder it was going to be to lose. If we'd held on for three quarters then been out-run in the last you'd have appreciated the effort but gotten over it reasonably quickly, but it is always the hope that kills, so after the Crows had missed all their good chances I was convinced we'd be beaten by an accidental kick over the head, a miracle rolling shot from the boundary, or more likely a howlingly bullshit umpiring decision in the square. But we held on, and were comfortably clear of their goal at the siren.

As a well-known coward I might have settled for a draw when one point ahead with two minutes left. The ball was closer to our end than theirs but we were held together with sticky tape at this point, so any quick exit from a pack was likely to turn into a scoring chance ASAP. Whether the Crows would have taken advantage or not is another matter, and you'd like to think they'd have stuck to the theme and charged into an open goal before kicking OOF at right angles.

Now that you know what happened it's not so bad that Fitzsimon was pinched for deliberate after being shoved over the line via her back. As the Crows chucked everything, including the ball on the ground in one of the greatest missed frees of recent time, Chaplin picked off a kick inside 50 and they had a great shot of her opponent whinging about her taking too long to kick while wearing a thousand-yard "geez we've fucked this up" stare. Even after we dinked a couple of pissy kicks around to run down the clock there was still plenty of time for all-time super-heartbreak loss, but enter the previously butterfingered Georgia Gall to pull down a crucial contested mark in the middle of the ground and ensure that we were only going to be beaten by something remarkable or a self-destruction for the ages. 

Football was in no way the winner and you could hear Jason Bennett almost blow an o-ring trying to save the day with enthusiasm at the final siren, but we survived and in every way other than scoring it was a top quality win. You wouldn't want to try and do it this way every week (right Goody?), but for a one-off shock win against a side that has regularly tormented us over the years it was ace. 

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Sinead Goldrick
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Kate Hore
2 - Georgia Gall
1 - Georgia Campbell

Apologies to Colvin, Gillard, Lampard, McNamara and Taylor

Leaderboard
After the brief highlights of the Defender Era, normal service has resumed at the top. All awards are now active as Gall - qualifying under the famous less than four games at the start of the year rule - is on the board for the Rising Star in a situation I'd never have seen coming a fortnight earlier. Even without finals there are still 20 votes on the table so it remains anybody's game.

16 - Kate Hore
14 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Sinead Goldrick
13 - Maeve Chaplin
10 - Eliza McNamara
9 - Sinead Goldrick
8 - Tyla Hanks, Kate Hore, Blaithin Mackin
4 - Lily Mithen, Paxy Paxman
3 - Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Alyssa Bannan, Megan Fitzsimon, Georgia Gall (LEADER: Rising Star), Shelley Heath, Sarah Lampard
1 - Georgia Campbell, Rhiannon Watt

Goal of the Week
Not many to choose from but they all (well, both) counted. Campbell was helped within range by the 50, but her intercontinental ballistic missile kick was very much appreciated and we'd like to see more ASAP. Hore in Geelong still leads overall.

Next Week
If you liked this game the good news is there's another just around the corner. Sequels are never as good as the original so off the short break I suspect we're extremely vulnerable to a back-to-earth plummeting reality check against St Kilda on Sunday. But then again I thought this was going to be a pulverisation and look how it turned out?

For the first time ever the new team has come out before the original report was published and it's not my fault. The headline return is Purcell, apparently fitted with a custom face mask that will bring a Phantom of the Opera vibe to Moorabbin. Zanker is also back, and perhaps Paxman as well so things are looking slightly up compared to the desolate wasteland of two weeks ago. It is, however, the sad end of the Rent-A-Player scheme, as D'Arcy D'eparts with two wins and the default record for most/only games in number 34. Also absent, Gabrielle Colvin in the unique scenario where she was declared Mark of the Week winner for the second last game and ruled out with concussion from the most recent one on the same day.

I refuse to get excited because it's the gateway to disappointment, but imagine the potential for Ms. Bradbury Plan style chaos in the last few weeks if we beat the Saints? Our percentage is comically bad - surely the first team to be 11th of 18 with 60.6% - two points ahead of Geelong while 43% worse off for percentage. I'm not into rorting the draft for men or women so if we recover enough to finish 9th then so be it, but it's nice to be somewhat back in the mix.

Final thoughts
After the reviews are complete nobody will ever watch this game again, but I like to picture Adelaide's coach quietly sobbing in a dimly lit room while seeing highlights of his players torching chances like out-of-control arsonists. This was the sort of favour teams only do for you once in a generation so all hands on deck next time we play them because by christ they'll be bleeding from the ears about losing this. But they did, and we thank them for it.

Gently turning in the right direction

Finally some good news from a week when things went so badly I expected P. Diddy to announce he was a lifelong Dees man. The W can no longer beat the top sides or the middle sides, but we're still marginally ahead of the bottom group. I hoped this was the case, but given that the Giants were half a game and about 50% percentage points better than us nothing was certain.

The ongoing injury drama finally made Rent-A-Player a reality, and it might be a bit cynical but I preferred adding a veteran with nearly 50 games of league experience than force feeding games into another rookie. Not sure if there were many fit rookies left anyway, but we did finally get a look at Delany Madigan after weeks of hanging out in the emergencies. Took a nice intercept mark, kicked it straight to the opposition and was never sighted again, but worth a try given that the other inclusion automatically knew what she was doing.

I did intend to support games at proper venues by attending, before waking up on Thursday morning feeling like my muscles has been replaced by jelly and an elephant was standing on my face. The situation didn't get any better, and I eventually watched this on delay in the middle of the night. There was one great moment of clarity mid-afternoon when I woke up a sweaty mess and thought the final score would be 29-25. Got half of it right, but even in normal circumstances I wouldn't have guessed that GWS was going to get that much when they were sitting on a sad 0.5 in the third quarter.

For once we were on the right side of a team playing well but not taking their opportunities, with GWS doing a lot right in the early stages but failing to convert shots to goals. Cue the big pisstake when we plucked a goal directly from the arse, as Bannan returned to eastern seaboard goalkicking with a cover version of that winning goal against North at the MCG. Maybe she's just got an issue with Casey Fields? That makes two of us. Then Pisano did an only slightly less fun goal and things were looking up for the first time since halfway through the Freo game.

You've got to be careful about celebrating great Melbourne double acts in case they both end up wanting to be traded, but for the first time this year the ultimate W combination of Hore and Hanks both fired at the same time and it was ace. Given that I'm still crocked however many days it is later you'll forgive not going into detail, but there were some centre clearances where Hanks looked like she'd been fired through the contest by a ballistic missile. Without West, Purcell, or midfield Paxman she's had way too much to do this year so it's nice that the Giants gave her space to go through like the Roadrunner.

GWS were better value than the scoreboard indicated, but were heading towards half time goalless and without a score in the second quarter so it seemed like a job very much well done. Then in an obvious Demontime scenario they ended up with a shot after the siren from pretty much straight in front and not particularly far out. I assuned it would go through and refused to participate, but on my second press of the +15 second button saw the last, sad moments of the ball fading away from goal and we had indeed got to the break four goals to nil up. I'd say what could possibly go wrong, but it hadn't been total domination so there was still a window open for them to make it interesting.

It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas when Gall won a free and kicked a delightful set shot 90 seconds into the second half, but in a scenario familiar to fans of the male and female games alike, we missed the opportunity to put them away. Gall is still a long way off but she can certainly belt a set shot, which bodes well for when she gets more experience and learns how to get the ball more often.

Rhi Watt must be the first player to be getting better at nearly 37-years-old, and while she's no Lauren Pearce, the last couple of weeks have been as good a holding of the fort as possible. She also did one of the most pleasantly wacky mid-game interviews during the third quarter, opening with gags about not knowing what day it was and referring to the first Giants goal as "a bugger". These segments are usually death because you can tell the player has no interest but she fully embraced novelty and the coverage was better for it. Speaking of making the telecast look better, note how putting a minuscule crowd opposite the camera makes it look half decent.

GWS barely had the ball inside 50 all quarter before their first goal, and a second followed closely behind. Suddenly we were on the run, albeit starting with the cushion of a five goal lead. At three-quarter time the GWS coach told his players that we were "cooked", and he wasn't far off. After back-to-back scoreless fourth quarters (+ scoreless second and third quarters last week) he wasn't wrong, and we spent this one desperately trying to stop them getting within range. It would have been a massive cockup to lose from 35-5 up, but by the time it got to less than two goals with a couple of minutes left the shambles alarm was ringing. I was half tempted to skip to the end and make sure we'd held on, but persisted at god-knows-what AM and did it the right way. We might have defended our way out of trouble anyway, especially with Chaplin intercepting everything that went near their goal.

Time eventually ran down to the point where it would have taken an all-time shemozzle to beat us, before the result was made safe via a swift handball from Hore, and a neat snap by Fitzsimon. Cue the largest number of first time winners we've ever had in the circle (given that you couldn't have had an in/out circle after R1, 2017 because everyone had just played in their first victory), and a much needed break from the agony of defeat. Does it translate to getting anything out of this season? Probably not, but certainly better than being thrashed by record margins.

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Kate Hore
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Maeve Chaplin
2 - Alyssa Bannan
1 - Lily Mithen

Apologies to Fitzsimon, Goldrick, Heath, Lampard and Watt

Leaderboard
14 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
13 - Maeve Chaplin, Kate Hore
10 - Eliza McNamara
9 - Sinead Goldrick
8 - Kate Hore, Blaithin Mackin
4 - Tyla Hanks, Lily Mithen, Paxy Paxman
3 - Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Alyssa Bannan, Megan Fitzsimon, Shelley Heath, Sarah Lampard
1 - Rhiannon Watt

Goal of the Week
Back after it would have been sarcastic to hold this segment last week, your winner is Bannan's opener with apologies to Pisano.

Next Week
I'm still expecting to be walloped by Adelaide, but this has given me some hope of keeping it close. Sounds like McNamara is the only senior player expected back, so does that mean we lose our spot in the Rent-A-Player scheme and have to give D'Arcy back to C'Asey? Probably worth somebody fake tripping down the stairs so we can keep her for the experience. Otherwise there's potential debuts for Jemma Rigoni and Saraid Taylor, as we continue the quest to give every fit player on the list a game at some point this year.

Final thoughts
Technically we could still make finals but I'm just happy to see a pulse.