Loud noises

Thanks to the Grand Final Eve Massacre I'm sure we'll miss the finals and probably wouldn't do much damage in the unlikely event of making it, but considering where we were at in late September it's a modern miracle that a potential Mighty Ducks Finish is back on the agenda. Even with our sad slide from the finals and players evacuating as if going for the lifeboats on a sinking ferry we were still a top eight team until the injury plague, and this proves it beyond any doubt. Hold on for a bit longer against Freo, keep the damage against Essendon below record levels and the next fortnight would be on like the proverbial.

We've gone from finding the slightest pulse against a GWS team still on 1.5 wins, to an outside chance of having a ticket in the lottery despite sitting about 40 points below our previous lowest percentage. If we're going to open the Ms. Bradbury Plan envelope for the first time it may as well get a prominent spot in the post, so with eight premiership points on offer our potential victims are - in order of likelihood - Essendon, Port, Freo and Richmond.

I think the half-baked fixture (which - let's be clear - is still better than conferences) will put us away unless we win both remaining games. Freo will beat GWS and Footscray and Port will beat Gold Coast and GWS. Richmond might lose to Essendon and Hawthorn but have a huge percentage gap on us, and Essendon will beat Carlton in the last round. You'll note a lot of easybeat teams in that list who we didn't play, but there is still the prospect of adding another chapter to our list of embarrassing losses against Collingwood in the final game. And if that happens watch the weirdos who are philosophically opposed to AFLW coming out of the woodwork to hang shit on us.

So there's a slender chance, but even if it doesn't happen you can't argue with the revival. This was light years ahead of the GWS win, courtesy of returning stars and players who have had their development fast-tracked out of necessity. I'd like to find out if we could beat Adelaide properly instead of them doing A+ hari kari, but the last two weeks have been a return to the good-not-great status that saw us (massive spin job to follow) play two finals last year.

Last week suggested better things ahead, but there was a step-up in class from a mid-table St Kilda side to Richmond firmly established inside the eight - the latest team who we used to treat like traffic cones before they became our theoretical superiors. Insert the usual mid-2000s nostalgia about them being coached by Ryan Ferguson. Shame this wasn't the week for the last fit player on the list Jemma Rigoni to debut, setting up the unlikeliest of season 2005 crossovers. Instead, after two years on our list and one with the Tigers, Saraid Taylor became the second-last potential debut. You'll never top Mogadishu '77 as my all-time favourite raid, but even if it's a case of rising tide lifting all boats she came off better than some of the randoms we've used to fill gaps in defence over the last few seasons.

Even with the Watt/Campbell duo holding up better than expected in recent weeks, the return of Lauren Pearce from her version of the mystery training injury was welcome. Then the Richmond ruck decided they weren't having any of that, jumped over the top and propelled the ball directly towards their forward line where it stayed for minutes. We survived at first thanks to an umpire who missed McNamara 100% failing to dispose of the ball correctly, and last line of defence specialist Chaplin for marking a snap in the goalsquare. At the risk of setting off political drama I'm not going to suggest exactly which missile interception system she should be loaned out to, but she's saved us plenty in the last few weeks by being in the right spot at the right time. We've determined that I know rock all about tactics but wouldn't you try to drag her as far up the ground as possible? Maybe it's been tried and failed.

In a season where we've attacked like the Oak Park Nursing Home Over 80s, seeing our first forward entry flung back in the opposite direction as if via catapult suggested another grim defensive struggle. Then all our stout defence turned out to be for nothing as we conceded a hopeful snap that got a run on and beat everyone to the line. At this point I'd have asked for astronomical odds on our highest score of the year and a win confirmed early in the last quarter. Enter Alyssa Bannan, completing the last leg of her return to form with goals at Casey. Two from open play in the first quarter alone, four for the game, and official elevation to barometer status.

If you're going to play forward for us, having Zanker down there would certainly help but extra coverage has been added by Georgia Gall's rapid emergence as a forward threat. A few weeks ago she was more Georgia F. All, but was so good here that it made me think about cashing in on Tayla Harris and looking to the future. Her goal came from as good a lead > kick to lead > convert from difficult angle combination that we've ever done. There's probably room for both, Pearce's return meant they had to play Campbell forward and she wasn't disgraced, but Gall must stay in the team now. 

These goals prompted several unexpected minutes of domination without further score, before we got torched by a player pissbolting through the middle, taking multiple bounces in postcodes of space, then giving it the full DemonTime with 40 seconds left. But this was followed by a Reverse DemonTime counter when Bannan sliced one off the outside of her boot with three seconds left, restoring a six point lead. 

No idea how we ended that quarter with three goals, but at the same time it felt like we were a bit of consistent forward pressure away from a troubling forward line for the first time all season. And for most of the second quarter we were also any decent forward entry away, with Richmond defenders plucking intercepts at a Chaplin-esque level. I think after a relative flood of goals in the first quarter the coaches clammed up in a way that would really annoy people who don't even watch the competition but happened to see a Facebook post. We finally got a goal when Campbell took a big mark, and even when she pulled the shot into the pocket it landed with Zanker, setting off massive celebrations from Bannan before she'd even kicked it.

This wasn't premiership Melbourne, but certainly better than the team flirting with a wooden spoon and percentage under 50 a few weeks ago. When Bannan started the third quarter by converting another lead > kick > mark > convert sequence from a funky angle some might have almost felt sorry for Richmond providing opposition on the day we finally took our chances. But not me. She nearly got another one on the run straight after and we looked half a chance of running away with it. Getting comfortable is the worst thing you can do when watching Melbourne, because the rest of the quarter was all Richmond. We were lucky not to concede twice, first from a player trying to mark a ball on the line instead of letting it go through, then a missed set shot. 

Regardless, back to back 1-0 quarters had us up by 16, and with our bolstered lineup I had faith we could hold on. We didn't just do that, but ran away with it. By the time Hanks, Bannan and Gall had piled on the margin it was looking like a much-needed percentage booster. The tension got too much for one Richmond player who tried got frustrated and started trying to wrestle anyone who came near but I'm not going to mock when she's the one more likely to be playing finals in three weeks.

With Chaplin off for the whole last quarter, apparently not due to injury, the defence finally creaked a bit in the dying minutes and we let them boot three consolation goals. At the time I didn't think it would do much harm, but after finding out Essendon was about seven goals down to North the next day it make me wonder if we could have got close enough to tip them out of the finals with one win from the next two. Alas North pulled up - leaving them with a percentage of about 330 - only added one more goal to the total and one of our loopholes was shut. We'll have to do it the hard way, but if it happens it'll be certified footy gold.

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Alyssa Bannan
4 - Kate Hore
3 - Shelley Heath
2 - Sarah Lampard
1 - Georgia Gall

Apologies to many, including Chaplin, Gillard, Hanks, McNamara, Purcell and Zanker.

Leaderboard
The most likely scenario is this competition ending in two weeks, making it all but certain that the captain wins. Fair enough too. There's still a bit of action in the minors, with the Gillard/Chaplin battle for defensive supremacy and Gall still vulnerable in the Rising Star.

23 - Kate Hore
14 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Sinead Goldrick, Eliza McNamara
--- Not without finals ---
13 - Maeve Chaplin, Tyla Hanks
8 - Blaithin Mackin
7 - Alyssa Bannan
5 - Shelley Heath, Paxy Paxman
4 - Sarah Lampard, Lily Mithen
3 - Georgia Gall (LEADER: Rising Star), Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Megan Fitzsimon, Olivia Purcell
1 - Georgia Campbell, Rhiannon Watt

Goal of the Week
I would have to say the Bannan one in the dying seconds of the first quarter. In fact I enjoyed it so much it has been promoted to clubhouse leader for the overall title.

Next Week
We're off to Cairns for a weekday game with our finals chances hanging by a thread. Where have I seen this before? This time if there's a tropical downpour and we play an ill-suited forward I'll buy it under the 'we don't have anyone else' rule. Well, maybe not when we've got shorter players. God only knows why we're playing Hawthorn in Far North Queensland. I think it's got something to do with indigenous round but there's got to be somewhere closer to do the always popular Narrm thing than the northernmost habitable part of Australia.

Remember last time we played Hawthorn and were hot enough favourites to do a coaching switcheroo? Now they're 8-1, second on the ladder with a boffo percentage and have a couple of our old premiership players. Then you look at who they've played and other than Adelaide it's the biggest collection of jabronis known to humankind, so I'm not saying we will win but I'm more hopeful than usual in these circumstances. What if this time wacky regional weather works in our favour? Then we could avoid a humiliating last round loss to Pies and the world will be confirmed arse backwards.

Final thought
Well, you just never know.