Smash and Grab

After the 2020 men's season there was a classic piece of footy punditry when Gerard Healy argued for shorter games by saying with an even straighter face than usual that "this means we can have more footy frenzies", as if normal people would be fanging for seven nights a week of footy once they were legally allowed to leave home again. Well, four years later the AFLW said "there's an idea" as a half-baked solution to expanding the season as far as its going in the near future. There are metrics, triggers, etc... that might lead to a proper extension, but they've been set at the equivalent of your annual bonus being tied to generating more turnover than the European Union.  

Look away now if you're ready to punch on with police horses for full-equality, but it doesn't really need to be extended any further in the short term. The idea that you're going to get an average 6000 attendance is Cloud Cuckoo Land insanity, but regardless of crowds there's an argument for playing more games once the competition balances up and sides aren't regularly kicking 0.5.5. Hooray for balance, especially now we've been relegated from elite to working class and I've discovered the joy of integrity and honest-to-god footy socialism. Nobody recorded Trotsky's views on making semi-professional players from razor-thin lists that have been destroyed by injury play twice in four days, but I'm sure he'd rather have pondered that than what really did go through his head.

It won't come as a surprise, but the most offensive part of it for me is the tedious administrative stuff. Because they've been watching the Premier League and think 'weeks' are better than rounds, we've got two matches in 'Week 7'. Which I'll be calling Round 7A and Round 7B thank you very much. I'm sure players and coaches alike couldn't give a continental but I reserve the right to be needlessly offended by anything that stuffs around with historical records. Well done to the club for standing against this nonsense by adopting the A/B system for as long as possible until the AFL bullies them into conforming.

Channel 7 was so confused by the fixturing shenanigans that they tried making us go back to Windy Hill again. Wrong red + black, but would anyone put it beyond them to make us play the same side twice in three weeks before Port Adelaide or Sydney once ever? It sure couldn't go much badly than our last visit.

I came into this game certain that the Crows would make the Windy Hill Massacre look tame in comparison, but against all logic and good sense we didn't kick a goal after the 10 minute mark of the first quarter and still won. It was one of the bravest wins we've ever had, but not sure it counts as a defensive masterclass when the opposition kept flubbing chances in slapstick fashion like the bandits from Home Alone. Options for great upsets are limited when you've been at or near the top of the competition since inception, but one small benefit to moderately dying in the arse (yes, a win last week etc... etc... go with me for narrative purposes) is being able to pull off memorable epic backs-to-the-wall victories like this. 

Purists would have set themselves on fire well before the final siren, and I'm not even going to pretend I'd have enjoyed it a fraction as much if we weren't involved, but if you're heavily invested in anyone wearing a Melbourne jumper winning by any means necessary this was tremendous stuff. Still not sure how it happened, so don't expect any great insight to follow.

It didn't bode well that the first centre bounce saw with an Adelaide player barrelling out of the middle at full speed like the Orient Express. We got away with it due to your friend and mine Gillard, but you were entitled to think it pointed to significant levels of trouble. But if you're going to get beaten at centre clearances, play a game where there's only three goals kicked. Somehow this lightning opening attack almost ended in Bannan kicking the first goal, before another forward entry that Gall should have marked well within range. Melbourne sides that do heaps right but suffer for lack of forwards who can take chances, where have I seen that before? Then Gall went on to play the game of her short career and played a huge part in us winning, so no harm done.

We'd started (relatively) well, but looked like even if everything went right there was no chance of creating clear scoring chances. Enter the umpires, for once there to help by bringing Campbell within range via a 50 metre penalty. She proceeded to kick the cover off the set shot, and based on that alone I suggest she proceeds directly to the Ben Brown Full Forward Academy in the off-season and learns how to become an inside 50 target because I think once ball gets to hand and stays there great vengeance could be unleashed.

Meanwile, a couple of weeks after I was ready to drop her to the practice squad, the Banno Comes Alive tour dropped into South Australia. She got an assist from the defender who unnecessarily clotheslined her while contesting a mark that was always going over their heads, but we were two goals up largely against the run of play. It was hard to see it lasting when we're averaging about 0.4 scoring shots per fourth quarter, but nobody could have known then how many times the Crows would fall flat on their faces when the game was gift-wrapped for the taking.   

Of all the recruits we've plucked from hither and yon to fill premiership-player sized holes, eg-Pivotonian Denby Taylor has been one of the better ones and she did a tremendous tackle in the first quarter when the opponent tried to run through her and was wrapped up in the style of Spiderman firing a high velocity web. Like most everyone else she was running on fumes by the end but this was very good. There was a fair bit of fume when you consider that we had two players who had one kick each, but like taking screamers and turning them straight over, teams who fill their boots with possessions get stuff without conversion.

We got out of jail when the Crows looked like scoring at the end of the first quarter. The first pass came just before the siren, but when it wasn't deemed far enough the wasted time was enough for us to get to the break without conceding a goal. It was a very good quarter but I couldn't help think back to the North game where we made the most of chances in the opening term before being swept off the table when the more-intact side got going. When the second quarter opened with another express fire-escape style exit from the middle I was in full confirmation bias mode, but we survived and were soon up the other end again. Regardless of how this game ended up, it was light years ahead of the Essendon debacle.

By now Adelaide had realised that we weren't going to roll over as easily as expected and the chances were starting to rack up at their end, nearly culminating in a randomly generated free when Chaplin was pinched for holding the jumper of an opponent who was equally clutching to her for dear life. Crows Broadcasting Service representative Abbey Holmes was crestfallen after seeing evidence that it wasn't all one way interference before justice was served when the kick slammed into the post from close range, making a satisfying metallic 'PING!" sound. 

It felt like we were one goal away from declaring night done, but a combination of desperate defence and the Crows dropping easy chest marks kept us ahead. We might have even extended the gap if the level of jumper intereference from the other end was applied to Bannan as she kicked along the ground towards the open square. We finally cracked when a player too far out to score found a teammate standing in her own area code of space inside 50 but they missed again. It's a dangerous game clinging to a lead and hoping for the opposition to keep missing, but we reached the half without conceding a goal. I'm happy to win by being boring, but we were about to see the biggest level of siege mentality since the BigFooty forums circa 2008-2009. 

We were finally breached five minutes into the third quarter, and worryingly it came via Adelaide chipping it around the forward 50 like a training drill. There was a chance to reply via a free kick so contentious that they never bothered showing a replay of it, but Wotherspoon missed the lot and we continued to cling to what seemed the least sustainable margin of all time. My kingdom for a forward line, but Adelaide helped themselves by correctly guessing where all the panicky forward kicks were going. Like the men's forward line at the start of every season, it lacked Kysaiah Pickett-style electricity at ground level/somebody to keep defenders accountable. Unlike the men it didn't matter because the opposition had collectively gone mad.

AFLW is usually short on shouty middle-aged man vibes, but one local did his bit for turning the atmosphere into the testosterone-powered gladiatorial wankfest we know and love (?) by shouting his displeasure at umpiring loudly enough for the whole country to hear. Annoying this person was a great reason for winning, but by now we were lucky to creating inside 50s let alone scores, so no matter how good the efforts were it needed Adelaide doubling down on football Hari Kari to save us.

A very nice Gall mark finally got us out of defence, but the problem was nobody forward of her to impact a contest and next thing Adelaide was carting into an open goal but that missed too and this looked like the reverse of that classic, oft-mentioned 5.05pm GWS game where we dominated but kicked as if heavily sedated.

The longer we clung to this ever-diminishing lead the sadder it was going to be to lose. If we'd held on for three quarters then been out-run in the last you'd have appreciated the effort but gotten over it reasonably quickly, but it is always the hope that kills, so after the Crows had missed all their good chances I was convinced we'd be beaten by an accidental kick over the head, a miracle rolling shot from the boundary, or more likely a howlingly bullshit umpiring decision in the square. But we held on, and were comfortably clear of their goal at the siren.

As a well-known coward I might have settled for a draw when one point ahead with two minutes left. The ball was closer to our end than theirs but we were held together with sticky tape at this point, so any quick exit from a pack was likely to turn into a scoring chance ASAP. Whether the Crows would have taken advantage or not is another matter, and you'd like to think they'd have stuck to the theme and charged into an open goal before kicking OOF at right angles.

Now that you know what happened it's not so bad that Fitzsimon was pinched for deliberate after being shoved over the line via her back. As the Crows chucked everything, including the ball on the ground in one of the greatest missed frees of recent time, Chaplin picked off a kick inside 50 and they had a great shot of her opponent whinging about her taking too long to kick while wearing a thousand-yard "geez we've fucked this up" stare. Even after we dinked a couple of pissy kicks around to run down the clock there was still plenty of time for all-time super-heartbreak loss, but enter the previously butterfingered Georgia Gall to pull down a crucial contested mark in the middle of the ground and ensure that we were only going to be beaten by something remarkable or a self-destruction for the ages. 

Football was in no way the winner and you could hear Jason Bennett almost blow an o-ring trying to save the day with enthusiasm at the final siren, but we survived and in every way other than scoring it was a top quality win. You wouldn't want to try and do it this way every week (right Goody?), but for a one-off shock win against a side that has regularly tormented us over the years it was ace. 

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Sinead Goldrick
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Kate Hore
2 - Georgia Gall
1 - Georgia Campbell

Apologies to Colvin, Gillard, Lampard, McNamara and Taylor

Leaderboard
After the brief highlights of the Defender Era, normal service has resumed at the top. All awards are now active as Gall - qualifying under the famous less than four games at the start of the year rule - is on the board for the Rising Star in a situation I'd never have seen coming a fortnight earlier. Even without finals there are still 20 votes on the table so it remains anybody's game.

16 - Kate Hore
14 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Sinead Goldrick
13 - Maeve Chaplin
10 - Eliza McNamara
9 - Sinead Goldrick
8 - Tyla Hanks, Kate Hore, Blaithin Mackin
4 - Lily Mithen, Paxy Paxman
3 - Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Alyssa Bannan, Megan Fitzsimon, Georgia Gall (LEADER: Rising Star), Shelley Heath, Sarah Lampard
1 - Georgia Campbell, Rhiannon Watt

Goal of the Week
Not many to choose from but they all (well, both) counted. Campbell was helped within range by the 50, but her intercontinental ballistic missile kick was very much appreciated and we'd like to see more ASAP. Hore in Geelong still leads overall.

Next Week
If you liked this game the good news is there's another just around the corner. Sequels are never as good as the original so off the short break I suspect we're extremely vulnerable to a back-to-earth plummeting reality check against St Kilda on Sunday. But then again I thought this was going to be a pulverisation and look how it turned out?

For the first time ever the new team has come out before the original report was published and it's not my fault. The headline return is Purcell, apparently fitted with a custom face mask that will bring a Phantom of the Opera vibe to Moorabbin. Zanker is also back, and perhaps Paxman as well so things are looking slightly up compared to the desolate wasteland of two weeks ago. It is, however, the sad end of the Rent-A-Player scheme, as D'Arcy D'eparts with two wins and the default record for most/only games in number 34. Also absent, Gabrielle Colvin in the unique scenario where she was declared Mark of the Week winner for the second last game and ruled out with concussion from the most recent one on the same day.

I refuse to get excited because it's the gateway to disappointment, but imagine the potential for Ms. Bradbury Plan style chaos in the last few weeks if we beat the Saints? Our percentage is comically bad - surely the first team to be 11th of 18 with 60.6% - two points ahead of Geelong while 43% worse off for percentage. I'm not into rorting the draft for men or women so if we recover enough to finish 9th then so be it, but it's nice to be somewhat back in the mix.

Final thoughts
After the reviews are complete nobody will ever watch this game again, but I like to picture Adelaide's coach quietly sobbing in a dimly lit room while seeing highlights of his players torching chances like out-of-control arsonists. This was the sort of favour teams only do for you once in a generation so all hands on deck next time we play them because by christ they'll be bleeding from the ears about losing this. But they did, and we thank them for it.