Sunday, 20 April 2008

Crazy For Feeling So Blue

How many different ways can I say that we lost? It seems like that's all I've done here over the last couple of years. If you want to go back to the last time I posted with any actual joy you have to go back to the 2006 finals, when we twatted St. Kilda and I lost the plot at a random moron sitting behind me. Ever since then it's been one depression session after another.

Today I'd like to think that instead of being beaten that we 'failed to win'. Let's be entirely honest Carlton are still completely shite. Yes, they've got Judd and Fevola but they can get stuffed if they think they're going to contend against decent sides. If we'd had any decent setup inside forward 50 we might have won today. As it was they were three goals to zip up before we even fired a shot (where have I seen this before?)

Our first serious shot on goal - in the wake of J**d and Fev having added three between them - was from Jamar. THAT is how badly our forward line is going. Naturally he missed. The next shots at goal were taken by noted goalkicking specialists McDonald (goal!?) and Whelan (not goal!?) Frankly we didn't look like getting close to it in the first quarter - in the end we were forced to go negative to drag ourselves back into it. Looked terrible but surprisingly worked a treat for a few minutes at least, in the first ten minutes of the second quarter we added three in a row through Robbo (in the first three quarters? Remarkable!) and Green (x2) and hit the front. Watching young Bradley G do his nut when he kicked his second was a sight to behold. For all the shit we've given him over the years he hashown, dare I say it openly, leadership qualities in the last couple of seasons that few of his teammates have followed. The players voted Miller into the leadership group in his place - does anyone understand now why we are what we are?

So, hands up if you thought we were going to go on with it - a new sense of enthusiasm and encouragement lifting the boys to the first win of a new era. Well, you were on drugs. Off went Green the moment he kicked the goal, and off the boil we went. Moloney gives away a 50 in the middle of the ground that gifts them a goal and they then kick the next five of the quarter to basically put us away at half time.

Now, Brent Moloney, in his four seasons at Melbourne, has given away 53 free kicks up to and including today and recieved just 30. Is he,

a) Unlucky
b) Overly competitive
c) A conspiracy victim
d) Ill-disciplined.

I'll take D with a side serving of B. He's having a crack, there's no doubt about that but is he going about it the right way? Are we ever going to see his 2005 form again? Doesn't look like it at this rate. Another promising young player dragged into the Melbourne family and destroyed. Watch out potential draftees.

Only two goals were kicked in the massive snoozefest of a 3rd quarter. Neither of them by us, continuing our wonderful streak of high scoring quarters this year. Both came within a few seconds as J**d kicked one and then Whelan decided to give Fevola a bit of a whack in the middle of a brawl and they gave Carlton another kick. Of course the same thing happens every week and nobody cares - if Wheels gets off can we get the goal taken from the official score? He was reported by both the goal umpire and the field umpire so there must have been something in it. I was looking right at it and didn't see anything particuarly fruity so it'll be interesting to get the video on that one.

So, come 3/4 time and we were rooted. So we won the last quarter. Thrillsville. What does it really matter? The only positive for me was seeing Brad Green run riot up front. Neitz hurt his neck in the second quarter and was never seen again. The poor bastard is trying his best but he's damaging his legacy by sticking around and struggling. Anyone else think that he might have been persuaded not to pull the pin at the end of last season due to the 150th year thing? Somebody somewhere thought he'd be more marketable than a McDonald or Bruce as captain. They're almost certainly right but good luck marketing anything the way we're going. You could have Jennifer Hawkins in nowt but a cheeky smile and it wouldn't get us any publicity the way we're sinking.

We were so depressed that even the sight of the sellout J**d running riot against us couldn't muster up any more than the faintest of boos. Somebody suggested he had a certain lethal sexually transmitted disease at one point which may have been excessively harsh but was also quite amusing. My real team might be rooted but at least I had him as Supercoach captain. What a sad world we live in where that counts for anything - if we were winning my team would be full of people on 0 points and I wouldn't give a fuck. Now I'm dissecting like a mad bastard just to try and get some joy no matter how artificial.

It's strange how despite getting closer than the Geelong game that this seems like a cause for mass slashing of wrists, while a fortnight ago we were holding our heads high. What did we learn from that game? Sweet FA by the looks of it. Any pressure that we put on that day was all but gone today. Our skills are still putrid and our forward line structure is an embarassment. It's sad that it took Neitz going off to give it anything - Green going forward was a great option but still too often when the ball went down there we were outnumbered and with nobody at the fall of the ball. Davey and Wonaeamirri tried hard but there was little love for crumbers today.

It might not help the crumb but apparently Bate was good for Sandy today so he's got to come back in and give us another option. Sautner kicked 9 for Sandy - sign him up in a cracking Troy Wilson style move. Even better piss Sandy off and get a real reserves team so we can actually develop our own players. Maric failed to fire in a big win after playing well last week so I can't see him getting a run anytime soon - though you may as well the way we're going.

For the first time today I had to question the Bailey method. It's very unlike me but I'm trying desperately to remain positive about his coaching tenure. I don't want to be looked back on in three years having slaughtered his masterplan before it ever really began if it turns out to be right. Remember - as always - the spaz Hawthorn fans who wanted to hang Alistair Clarkson after three games. But for the first time I'm starting to wonder if it is going to turn out alright.
Maybe that's the fear of 0-22 speaking, but it's also having seen Brad Green kick an inspirational goal to put us in front, doing his nut in celebration and then jogging towards the bench and not getting near it for the next ten minutes. It's seeing Rivers and Carroll keeping Fevola under control before Rivers is for some unknown bloody reason sent to the bench leaving Whelan to take his place with disasterous results. Since when did anyone rotate tall defenders? Especially when we've got bugger all of them to start with.

Crowd Watch
Did we have more than 15,000 of the 43k crowd? And it was our home game for god's sake. I know people don't want to come and see us get trashed week in week out, but how many of us are going to be left if we go through a five year period of slop like Carlton have? I knwo I'll be there, and I would like to think that most of the people who read this would be as well but f'ing hell we might the only ones. Five years of trashbag football (3 and 3/4 to go!) and you may as well put the "for sale" sign up outside the front door. Think that will be enough to get the MCC clowns signing up? If we go out of business I see no other reason to keep their stand intact - firebomb the fucker I say.

On the other hand wasn't it great to see Carlton fans firing up as if they had actually won more than 3 games since 2002?

Meanwhile how wooden was Chris Connolly when he was trying to fire people up before the game? If his coaching addresses were like that it's a surprise he ever won anything let alone made two finals series. I did, however, love Barass coming on the big screen to yell at us. If Allen Jakovich isn't named one of the 150 Heroes of the club then I'm leaving and watching D4 amateurs instead.

Crowd Watch Extra
Rotations are all the rage this year, but now it's spread to the crowd as well. 10 girls showed up and sat in the same row as us, then spent the entire game getting up and leaving 3 times a quarter - including a minute into the 3rd quarter. What were you doing for half time? Watching Little League? Peanuts. At least they weren't wandering back with beers every five seconds like your typically drunken and stupid footy fan.

Feud Watch
Has anyone noticed that we've got two cheersquads now? As if one wasn't enough. Apparently they've had a split and are now operating in competition to each other. I'd like to suggest that every AFL cheersquad is invited to an intervention/mediation session and that when they're all locked in the same room we gas them all like badgers.

What could possibly cause a cheersquad to fracture in two? Debate over what sized pom-poms to wave? Whether to add an extra clap in *clap* *clap* *clap*? Disappointment over the inability to create a banner message that is as good as the all time classic "DO THE WORLD A FAVOR, GET RID OF DON SCOTT"? Any way you slice it cheersquads are the biggest anachronism in footy ever - the sooner we forcibly disband them (using violence if necessary) the better.

So, if anyone knows what the feud between the Official IRA and the Provisional IRA wings of our cheersquad is about feel free to enlighten me. Either way the only solution I'm going to support is throwing them all off a cliff into the sea, but I'd still like to know what's going on. Once when the Collingwood cheer squad fractured into competiting factions (imagine that for terror) Eddie McGuire had to go and get them back together. Any danger that Paul Gardiner might wander into the lion's den and try to broker a solution? Or is he worried that they all might unite and chase him out of the room under a hail of bottles instead?

2008 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - Brad Green
*Daylight*
4 - James McDonald
3 - Brock McLean
2 - Cameron Bruce
1 - Jared Rivers

Apologies to White, Robertson, Davey, Wonaeamierri, Frawley, Sylvia and Carroll (fuck off, this is my site and I can do what I want)

Leaderboard
11 - Brad Green
10 - Nathan Jones
9 - Brock McLean
8 - James McDonald
8 - Cameron Bruce
6 - Paul Johnson
6 - Cale Morton (Leader: 2008 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
4 - Brent Moloney
4 - Aaron Davey
3 - Nathan Carroll (Leader: 2008 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
3 - Lynden Dunn
2 - Jared Rivers
1 - Jeff White

Next Week
Brisbane away in the 1.10pm game. Here's a positive for you - it will all be over by 4pm again so that you'll be able to do something constructive with your afternoon. Today we held The Urinator for two quarters by gangbanging him with two defenders. Next week not only do you have to contend with Jonathan Brown who is massively out of form, but Daniel Bradshaw who is conversely going nuts and has 18 goals from his last two starts against us. Rivers and Carroll sure. Frawley? Yeah, why not - at least he'll learn. Then who?

Chances are we're going to get farked up hardcore. You know I was actually considering going to this game. Sick, sick man that I am. Thank god for a lack of cheap airfares.

Do you think if I fake my own death and make a wild YouTube video calling on them to have a crack in my honor that they'll get up next week? Then I can make a shock comeback and at least we'll have 4 points!

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