Monday, 18 April 2005

I know it's over..

Those of you who come here for the normally high standard of reporting (!?) will be shocked and appalled to know that I set a new record today but walking in at half time due to work, and walking out five minutes into the last quarter. Therefore the report that follows will be flawed like never before.

I walked into Telstra Dome quitely confident of keeping our wild winning streak going. All I'd seen so far was the scores on mobile phone updates, and despite the fact that I thought a high scoring game wouldn't suit us we led at half time and it was looking attractive. By the time I reached the top deck of the Dome the third quarter was just about to kick off, and suddenly things started to go downhill. The first twenty minutes were fairly even on the scoreboard, but you could tell the way it was going to go. As has become a trend this season we were getting slaughtered down the wings and the ball was entering the St. Kilda forward line again, and again , and again. We were still leading at the 20 minute mark and then it fell apart faster than Michael Jackson's face.

I must say at this point I didn't even realise that Cameron Bruce was injured. It only dawned on me as I stormed down Spencer Street 45 minutes later that I hadn't seen him once and that something very, very wrong must have gone down. Alas it has, and we're all dead.

It was all about gimmick football. This is when people start doing stupid things either out of panic or a genuine desire to end up on the "that was the season that was" highlight tape. Sometimes it works, usually it doesn't. See - for instance - a high ball bombed into our backline only to find a 3 on 0 situation. Russell Robertson backs back, back, back, shits himself and does a two handed slap of the ball into the ground. I think we got away with it but there was so much more. Daniel Bell trying an Allen Jakovich-esque horizontal bicycle kick out of the ruck IN THE BACKLINE, short kicks flying to the wrong people and shambolic attempts to rush a behind leading to us copping goals.

And then there's the USS Clueless, Alistair Nicholson. Despite my off tap whinging about his selection I somewhat understood what they were looking for when they picked him. Fat bastard to play on fat bastard. Unfortunately Fraser Gehrig is actually quite good, and not as slow as you'd expect him to be and ripped him to pieces. Apologies to our resident Nicholson superfan reader but he's clearly for the tip. JUST GET OUT. I'd rather they pick Nathan Carroll than him. When David Neitz suddenly 'appeared' in the backline hovering around Gehrig it was roughly equivalent to Neale Daniher draping a banner out of his coaching box with the words "We're sorry, we've got nothing else" written on it.

I don't know what the fuck was going on to be honest. It all just started falling apart so quickly. We were only a few points down at 3/4 time and then within five minutes of the last quarter starting we were being beaten like a red headed stepchild. WHY? It's all going horribly wrong. Bruce is gone for god knows how long and Miller and Davey did their best to get suspended. Miller is gone, and you can expect Ben Holland at CHF next week. Not as bad an idea as it sounds, because his one excellent game for us so far was in that position last year but frightening nonetheless. I want to see the names ARMSTRONG and MOTLOP in our side next week as well. If we're going to burn we may as well go down in style.

I walked out five minutes into the last quarter. I'd been up since 6am and had better things to do with that half an hour than watch slop football served up. I think the last time I walked out was when we got poleaxed by Carlton in 2000.

Votes? FUCK THE VOTES. This is the beauty of the Demonblog player of the year - we don't hand them out lightly. I was going to give them for the half a game but I've decided that nobody deserves them for the 35 minutes of football that I saw. BAD LUCK. Cameron Bruce still leads - for now but don't be surprised

I've never turned on my team's chances when we're 3-1 before but with the plague of injury and suspension we've just seen the end of the road. Taking my airline ticket to Sydney and roasting it on an open fire is a tempting thought but I may as well go - if they can't beat the Adelaide Crows there even our 2nd's side is a chance - I'm looking for a blockbusting come from behind, against the odds victory a'la when we beat West Coast in Perth in 1998. All set to the music from the Karate Kid as I'm pounded into unconciousness by the old people who stand behind the goals at the SCG.

Revised "Most Negative Man Alive" season prediction: 9th

Next week: Sydney vs Melbourne. SCG. Followed by a suicide leap from the bridge.

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