Tales From The Script

If you also spent the week wondering how we managed to win comfortably against Collingwood when half our side were sucking air so hard at the end of the third quarter that the front row passed out from oxygen deprivation then you probably didn't expect much against North.

You're right to never expect anything against North. They have a commendable way of avoiding ever being completely shit, but you can be sure that even if they did go through a run like we've had they'd still beat us.

My history with North is long and painful. For such an inoffensive club (other than Harvey) they've arguably caused be more trauma than any side in my supporting life. In that time I've seen a total of five one point losses live and they've been responsible for three of them. Once I didn't really mind because I was under heavy sedation, once I cut my hand to shreds by punching a half constructed Colonial Stadium chair and once I went off so much a security guard told me that it was "just a game" and I told him to get fucked.

The saga goes back to 1990, when I roped my mum into taking me to my first ever home and away game (and I think her first game full stop) and should have realised footy wasn't the sport for me when it ended like this:

Not sure what point we left at, but I'm sure I didn't stay around to see them raise the bat for a double century. In the spirit of things that people whinged about endlessly before they even knew what the internet was I'm sure it was umpire Darren Goldspink's fault somehow rather than us allowing John Longmire to kick 14.

As for good times against the Roos there was the 2002 Elimination Final, but that in the midst of the two years where I mostly refused to leave the house so I sat at home listening on the radio (could you not even get finals on live TV at that point or was I just being weird?). I was there for the 2000 Prelim and Round 2, 1998 - the day that roped me back into footy after years of indifference but otherwise our interactions with them over the years have generally been disappointing.

This didn't promise to be much better. You can tell North have been in good form recently because you can turn SEN on without hearing some truck driver demanding Brad Scott be sacked, and we might have beaten Collingwood in glorious fashion but if you saw any of their game against Carlton you know just how useful a form guide that was. Nothing pointed to us winning, and in the end we didn't even get close but at least we got to enjoy a few minutes of balls-out excitement.

It's a shame we had to go so far behind before coming to play, but no matter how we got there we had a genuine reason to get excited 10 minutes into a fourth quarter and a reason to go home angry. Honourable losses are for the tip, I'd accept one against one of the top sides but otherwise just say no. Instead this felt like a wasted opportunity and though I understand what happened I'm still slightly bitter a day later. In a way that does make it an honourable loss, but at least one we rue instead of patting ourselves on the back just for turning up and not getting thrashed.

This game was so un-Melbourne that we scored one point more than last week and lost by six goals, but that's what happens when you play against a side with a fully functioning forward line. If anything it was more like Queen's Birthday than our second match against the Pies - we got off to a horrible start then rushed back into the game with cavalier football but eventually faded to nothing in the final quarter. The only difference was that this time instead of celebrities going down a slide into freezing water there was a Chinese dragon (sadly not going down a slide into freezing water).

For a game involving us it was played at a surprisingly high standard, providing Roos with a straight faced opportunity to pretend he hasn't been behind several of the greatest slopfests of our time during his coaching career. He does make a reasonable point, and we did have a free-flowing game against them in Round 23 last year which at the time was put down to North coasting before the finals, but surely the unsaid aspect of this game being as close to a shootout as we get is that he was actually trying to avoid being dragged into a deadly stoppage battle against the best ruckman in the business at all costs. Which I'm not arguing, and as much as I hate the continual talking down of the sport by people who are desperate for spectacle if we're going to lose games by six goals at least we got to kick a decent score along the way.

You can see why he'd try and avoid Goldstein participating in 100 ball-ups. When I put together my always well thought out and heavily researched team change suggestions last week it didn't even occur to me that we were about to run into that juggernaut. He's neck deep in one of those rare seasons where ruckman plays out of his skin and people speculate about him winning the Brownlow before he finishes the night on six votes. He taps everything, runs all day, is extremely handy around the field and delivers a great performance in that superannuation ad. What's not to like?

Apart from the sort of startling tactical ineptitude that this page has become renowned for, part of the reason I didn't suggest adding a second ruckman is that I was safe in the knowledge that no matter how well he played at Casey we'd taunt Jamar by selecting him in the Thursday night team then have him tear open the envelope at 5pm on Friday to discover a Google Maps printout of driving instructions to Casey Fields.

I'm comfortable with the theory that they know Gawn is heading straight for the top of the ruckman rankings and was sent out to tackle Goldstein solo under the theory that "to be the man, you've got to beat the man" (Whoo!), but it wasn't just preservation for a rapidly appreciating asset or the prospect of god forbid winning a game late in the season that made me want the them to pick Jamar - it just seemed like our last MCG home game of the year seemed to represent a decent time to wheel the old Russian out for a farewell lap.

I know an extra tall wouldn't have done much for our forward line, but the idea that you'd send Dawes out as the backup against one of the league's ruck titans was troubling. It was his second best game for the club behind Adelaide last year, and he took a surprising number of contested marks around the ground but he is completely at sea as a centre bounce ruckman and it costs us on the scoreboard. Yesterday he kicked a goal, went in the ruck, got battered in the tap and we conceded a goal immediately to leave us with no overall benefit.

Not that I'm going to pin all the fault on him. He's no ruckman but the way our midfield was started it wouldn't have matter if you had Jamar, Spencer or Polly Farmer playing second fiddle to Maximum we were going to be obliterated. Clearances are about as useful as inside 50's when read off a piece of paper but in this case you could see exactly how they were having a major impact as we were cut to ribbons at every ball-up. No wonder we accidentally did our bit for 'good' footy by trying to avoid stoppages when they were an open invitation for North to launch attacks.

Internet rumour and innuendo would have it that 17 players had been struck down by illness during the week, including Nathan Jones which would explain him collapsing under the weight of a hard tag. It was hardly a dead-eyed Moloney wandering aimlessly through the first of 186 before having a kip in the dressing rooms but it wasn't helping. If true you can't blame him for having an off day, he's carried the club so much in the last three years what fear can a round of the trots hold? Besides, I'd rather him playing with a touch of the DeCastella's than half our list when fit.

Whether the illness story is legitimate or a careful ruse put out by the comms department so people don't come out of Member Appreciation Week feeling unappreciated I'm not sure (and given that we traditionally play like shite in the appreciation fixture you'd think the damage had already been done) but given that the Collingwood game has put me in a generally good mood about footy again I'm happy to clutch on to it as an excuse.

An aversion to winning the ball from stoppages needn't be entirely fatal. If the defence can control ground and air you can buy time to find another plan or launch counter attacks. Alternatively if you're Melbourne you can get the opposition off to a flying start by gifting them a pair of goals. The first came from Howe and McDonald crashing into each other, which has long been standard stuff for us, but the second will go down as one the greatest kick-in cock-ups of our time. Watts was the only other senior player named as part of the Sniffly 17, and his day got even worse when he managed to kick-in directly to the hands of the four foot tall Robin Nahas then stand almost still in shock as Nahas wandered around him and into an open goal.

Jack then interchanged himself to sit down and ponder whether it might have been better to chuck a sickie. I've got genuinely sympathy with anybody who tries to play sport while ill (or in general really, I can't be bothered getting off the couch these days) but of all the things people have slaughtered Jack for over the years missing a game because he's sick as a dog is not something people are going to hold against him. Not sensible people anyway, some of our fans would find reason to criticise the way he opens the mail.

His day didn't get much better, and eventually ended with Jesse Hogan screaming blue murder at him for a shocking kick inside 50 which all but killed off any hope we had of a comeback. Illness aside this is why it's not wise to go over the top when he has a great game, because bad ones follow shortly after almost as certainly as regular injuries to members of the Grimes family.

Also on the long list of people who were having a first quarter shocker was Jeremy Howe. He seemingly did his ankle, went off for treatment then came back on for about 10 seconds and hobbled off again. Farewell then Jeremy? Not quite, because he soon made another comeback looking completely unscathed. They must have injected him with anything they could find which would get him going again and damn the consequences of embalming fluid because he's not going to be playing for us next year anyway.

After the glory of last week the first quarter capitulation represented serious de(e)flation. We briefly steadied the ship when Dawes converted from a free kick before giving the goal straight back by throwing him to the wolves in the centre bounce. From there on North dominated for the next 15 minutes. Other than Viney and to a lesser extent Tyson the midfield offered nothing, the defenders were exhibiting 2012/13 style nerves, and while Dawes and Hogan both worked hard to take marks up the ground they had to because otherwise they've have been standing inside 50 with their thumbs up their arses watching their teammates being dominated.

Hogan, the new people's champion eventually breathed some life into the unfolding shambles, but even then he had to rely on a 50 metre penalty to bring him within range because it's not like he had anyone to kick it to. How often this year have we tried to use Garlett as a marking target inside 50 and how often has it worked? I think he took one screamer in the first month of the season and has never managed it since. After his third quarter marking disaster even kicking to him on the lead is in question - best to just hoist it in his general direction and hope him to do what he does best and crumb, snap or both. It's still been a great trade and it will be comical if he tears Carlton to pieces in a few weeks. When he's off he's really off but that's what you get with enigmatic players - buy the ticket, take the trip, cherish the great moments and accept that sometimes it's just not going to work out.

If we'd got to quarter time 'just' 20 points down it wouldn't have been fair reward for North's dominance and the way 15 of our players appeared completely baffled. The goal umpires were waving nautical looking orange flags for Multicultural Round but the way we were all at sea they should have been flying this one instead:



Considering that half the side - including some of our best - had barely been seen there was enough to work with. Gawn was beaten but he wasn't being completely thrashed - and it would have helped if we didn't spend most of the day kicking it at his opponent. All we needed was a couple of minutes of defence to get us to quarter time so we could regroup, but as noble as it was to try a late-season conversion to sexy football to try and get people to stop turning over to the golf I wish we'd sludged up a touch in the dying minutes and got to the break without suffering fatal damage. Instead we did the only thing we're better at than giving goals straight back after scoring one, and conceded in the dying minutes - not once but twice, leaving us five goals behind and seemingly shot.

The only saving graces were that with three quarters left we could be the latest side to take advantage of the opportunities created by International Year of Teams Giving Up Five Goal Leads for Fun, and that North are notoriously democratic about stuffing up certain victories against sides big or small. They've never done it against us, but there's a time and a place for everything.

It was the unlikely figure of Chris Dawes who was the catalyst behind our comeback. After being maligned by everyone (including yours truly) for much of the season he quickly cancelled out those two late North goals early in the second and helped drag the margin back to something far more manageable. He had a third shot a minute later to complete the fastest MFC hat-trick in recent memory, but after three accurate set shots in a row I knew he'd hit his limit and he duly went on to miss every goalscoring opportunity on offer for the rest of the game. Still, if he keeps playing like that I might stop pining for Pedersen to make a miracle recovery.

It wasn't all smooth sailing, after being almighty for the last few months Cross was well outmatched by the still pacy Harvey and 'Boomer' dashed around him to kick the steadier. Not long after they got another to restore the quarter time margin and all Dawes' rare goalkicking heroics had been for nowt.

Nevertheless despite Goldstein still holding court in the middle our cavalcade of MIA players had started to work their way into the game. Even Matt Jones - more maligned than Dawes, Watts and Lumumba combined - was doing a reasonable job after a late reprieve when vandenBerg withdrew. After a quarter of watching North players dash around unchallenged we'd even started to tackle - which always helps if you're trying to win a game of football.

Still, even though we were attacking more convincingly there was no sign that we were just minutes away from unloading one of our best quarters of the year. Nobody saw it coming against the Pies the first time around either, so at least if we can't play four quarters there's proof undeniable that we can occasionally rip out something memorable.

Before we got to the magical third quarter there was one highlight that I'd like to provide footage of but can't. James Harmes laid a brutal tackle on Robin Nahas that should be played on repeat on an obscure Foxtel channel, but the AFL website knows more people are going to click on footage of Watts looking foolish so they've highlighted his botched kick-in instead. Boring, let's talk more about the tackle. It was a real Brayshaw/Viney job with the added benefit of lightning speed - and what team can have too many players like that? It's not like he was starring but if he had any run left I'd have rather kept him on in the last quarter. I didn't mind Michie's game but the rookie strikes me as more of a match winner than Vivian.

This time we managed to avoid conceding a late goal (legitimate surprise) and instead got one of our own (complete and utter shock) to leave the door slightly ajar before blowing them to bits in the first few minutes of the third quarter. It was like the first all over again with the tables turned, this time it was North who looked like a team of enthusiastic amateurs dropped in the middle of the MCG without any idea what to do next.

Alas after kicking the first two goals of the third quarter the game turned again when Garlett half-arsed an easy chest mark inside 50 and North swept down the other end for a goal. That was a killer, and we were lucky that shortly after Goldstein ignored any number of free players inside 50 and tried to kick a highlight reel goal because all he could see was Brownlow votes. That allowed us to get down the other end and for Brayshaw to kick a belting goal to get us back within 10 points. Then Viney - who has been mighty over the last few weeks - added another to cut the margin to two and what in the name of Dutch buggery was going on here?

Getting in front might not have meant anything in the grand scheme of things, but it would surely have struck a psychological blow against the permanently wobbly North. We could have done it but Dawes missed a chance for his fourth, completing ruining the run of I SAW CHRIS DAWES KICK FOUR t-shirts that I'd ordered from China midway through the second quarter, and while we traded goals with them there were definite signs of fatigue breaking out. Gawn was calling for the oxygen tanks after trying his guts out all day without a convincing understudy, but the same thing happened last week and look what happened there?

Fitness concerns aside I sensed disaster was afoot in the last two minutes when we kept kicking the ball back to them. We got away with a score review, but you didn't have to be a Melbourne fan to know that with three decent tall targets plus crumb we'd eventually crumble and let them kick one. Dunn delivered another unwanted call-back to Queen's Birthday by giving away a free in almost the exact same spot that he conceded one to Cloke, and Ben Brown (more players in #50 please) converted.

The only difference between the two days was that in June Lynden didn't engage in a vigorous round of Tae-Bo while standing the mark and Cloke didn't take a detour via Wellington Parade during his run-up and get away with it.

Lynden Dunn tries to, uh, distract Ben Brown: pic.twitter.com/EN3g8tBtl6

— Ethan (@ethan_meldrum) August 10, 2015

It left us 10 points behind, which was by no means insurmountable but I didn't fancy our chances unless we kicked about four goals in a row in the first few minutes of the final term. We had to kill them off early or they were always going to run over the top of us.

We had our chances in the last, and while I'd never blame Jesse Hogan for anything because he's a great Australian if he'd kicked the goal in the first 30 seconds it would have effectively started the last quarter again in a world where Dunn never gave away the free. Neal-Bullen (who does very much strike me as a match winner on a better day) came on and set up Hogan then kicked one of his own to bring it back to the three-quarter time margin with plenty of time left. He might have had another shot if not for a baffling umpiring decision where he got done for holding inside 50 on a contest that was at the very least a 50/50 contest.

Still, nuffy umpiring was hardly our undoing. We missed another chance and as our defence started to break up we conceded another goal to finish us off. Our campaign to play mid-range players into form across the league continued by allowing Waite to wreak havoc on Dunn - having one of his worst games of the last couple of years - and Lindsay Thomas to snap goals at will just weeks after being exiled to the VFL for rubbish form. Come one, come all. We should register as a charity and claim tax deductions.

Hogan made Scott Thompson look as foolish as he did Alex Rance earlier in the season to kick his fourth but everyone else had hit the wall. I'm glad Gawn got a goal at the end as some reward for running all day but by the last quarter he could barely jump any more, and it would have been a good time to come up with another long kicking option instead of feeding it to North on a platter. He wasn't the only one who looked tired, Garland also put one right down an opponent's throat and the more shots he sees of James Frawley going through airports smiling from ear-to-ear after another great Hawks victory the easier he'll find it to ditch us at the end of the year. He's a restricted free agent but who's that stopped so far?

It's the greatest of all cliches considering how long I've been saying it but there were signs. Hogan and Viney are obvious winners, and it was nice to see Tyson playing his best game of the season. Nobody stuffs up development like us but I'm confident that if we can get the right players to slot in around them and some off-field stability we've got the right youngsters this time. We had a lot of false starts with players in 2010-2011, but I feel Hogan, Viney, Salem and Brayshaw at a minimum are going to do good business for years.

Then there's Kent, Petracca and whoever we draft this year at a minimum to alongside important and experienced players like McDonald who have many years left. Some silkier outside midfielders (wherefore art thou Jimmy Toumpas?), a decent accumulator of possessions around half-forward, a goalkicking ruckman and another tall defender should do it - start queuing for 2017 grand final tickets now.

There was an interesting postscript to the match when an anonymous benefactor invited me into the rooms. Which after a loss is a lot less impressive than it sounds. At least after a win there's a carnival atmosphere, but in defeat it's just hundreds of people shuffling in to stand behind a fence and watch players like they're exhibits in a zoo.

In a strange twist at the same time I was also working on something urgent that had just come up as part of my day job (actually it came up at three-quarter time but I ignored it until the end of the match) but the highlight of my experience was seeing Daniel Cross showing absolutely no concern about being watched by a bunch of gawking idiots like me and violently kicking the wall then punching the floor in frustration. You don't think the mystery broken leg he suffered against North last year was actually a result of post-match violence towards an inanimate object? It wasn't his finest day but what a man, I need to see him play again next year and in an off-field role thereafter.

I'm not sure the entertainment level would have rocketed if I'd stayed around, but I had to leave and deal with my work issues. Eventually everything got sorted out 45 minutes after the game in a cavernously empty MCG where the only other patrons left other than me were shambling drunks. Apt way to finish the day.

2015 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jesse Hogan
4 - Jack Viney
3 - Chris Dawes
2 - Dom Tyson
------ So much daylight ------
1 - Tom McDonald

Apologies to Max Gawn, who was the only other contender for the single vote in an otherwise surprisingly flat day for individual performances.

Leaderboard
There are now only seven potential winners left. With nothing for the leader this week Viney and Tom McSizzle draw to within one best on ground of at least snatching a share of the most prestigious award in footy.

In the minors it's congratulations to McDonald who cannot under any circumstances be beaten for the Seecamp. Unless there's a miracle next week Gawn is going to be named the provisional winner of the Stynes, and while it'll take Hogan at least another fortnight to put the Hilton alongside a Casey best and fairest in his trophy cabinet he's now the red hot favourite. Hopefully we're buying him a house the size of Stately Wayne Manor, because once his career's done he'll have won every award fictional or otherwise. With any luck he'll be with us when he does it. While I tell myself he looks like the sort of guy who'd be interested in dragging a club to its feet (unlike that poltroon $cully) I also know that we're still very much in the midst of the #fistedforever era so no disappointing scenario can be ruled out.

35 - Bernie Vince
30 - Tom McDonald (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jack Viney
27 - Nathan Jones
25 - Jesse Hogan (LEADER: Jeff Hilton Rising Star Award)
17 - Angus Brayshaw, Jack Watts
-----------------------------------------
11 - Daniel Cross, Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Cameron Pedersen
10 - Aaron vandenBerg
8 - Jeff Garlett
7 - Chris Dawes, Dom Tyson
6 - Christian Salem
5 - Colin Garland
3 - Viv Michie
2 - Jack Fitzpatrick, Jeremy Howe, Heritier Lumumba
1 - Lynden Dunn, Mark Jamar, Ben Newton, Jake Spencer


One of the key reasons for not going to the footy with other people is the chance they will topple a key segment by not showing up on time. Not only did they roll in late from the pub but we then managed to lose one of them between the bag check and the turnstile then spent five minutes trying to call him to confirm he hadn't spontaneously combusted.

We wasted enough time locating him, then after going upstairs had to return to the ground floor because he complained about the view. Then when we got back to ground level he insisted that at 1.03pm we exit the ground and walk around to another gate, causing me to throw my hands up in frustration and go back to sitting on the top level. Lesson learned, always be anti-social.

In order to try and continue the objective judgements that this award is well known for I sought out images of the two banners to compare their respective merits. If I hadn't found a shot of the North one I'd have just assumed they had gone with another floating curtain and disqualified them immediately. Fortunately their cheer-squad has a Facebook page, which revealed not only a cursory attempt at participating in multicultural round by bunging a few international phrases in random places across the crepe paper but also this absurd moneymaking scheme..

On the other hand our one thanked me personally, so how could I vote against it? Well centred, well kerned, and with a helpful dividing line between messages so people don't get confused.

Rd.19 Member Appreciation Week #AFLDeesNorth #myheartbeatstrue pic.twitter.com/DqFeBNh3ft

— Demon Army (@DeeArmy) August 9, 2015

That's 19-1-0 for the season. I am sadly unable to provide points for the wildcard banner made during the week to welcome Jack Trengove back to running as it had no opposition, but in addition to proving that everyone involved in conception and construction is a good egg it also demonstrated that we're not as horribly cursed as we used to be because he didn't trip over running through it and snap his foot in two again.

Meanwhile, for the first time we go around the grounds for a banner disaster in another sport. These rugby leaguists put together a very attractive and professionally printed banner (some might describe it as cheating) but neglected to include the key design element of ripability. Dickheads. Meanwhile it's good to see the Joel Monaghan scandal hasn't scared the NRL away from including man's best friend in their promotions.



Matchday Experience Watch
The crowd Wheel of Fortune gimmick had everything you might want from a novelty segment, which isn't saying much but I'll be happy as long as we never under any circumstances introduce a kiss cam, cuddle cam, cheeky grope cam or any other sort of cam that encourages people to publicly engage in intimate conduct.

I was thrilled to see Howie's Hangers promoted to a more prominent timeslot in its last ever appearance at the MCG before he shuffles off elsewhere. Sadly nobody completely necked themselves, but we'll have one last opportunity for that against GWS in the last round. Remember - I need somebody who reads this to sign up to participate just to get a shot of the indemnity form. Also if you do sign up for our last 'home game' nobody will be there to see you landing roughly on a thinly veiled carpark roof.

Next year I'm promoting Garland's Gags - where three competitors are invited to take Robbo's microphone and bash out their best material in the deadpan style of Elliot Goblet. If he leaves it can be named after Gawn, and if he goes too then why don't we all just give up?

Meanwhile has there ever been a more Melbourne FC "heartland" moment than the Little League game where the North Melbourne side was a picture of multicultural Australia while we had an team made up entirely of white kids.

Crowd Watch
All the pre-match shenanigans left me with scant time to go somewhere comfortable, and I ended up in the top of the Olympic Stand for what may have been the first time since the day Jack Watts debuted.

This meant having to sit in the middle of North fans, including a guy a few seats up who was far too excitable for anyone playing Melbourne. Every five seconds I caught a glimpse of him leaping to his feet to complain about something while a lady who was significantly out of his league tried to pretend she wasn't being paid to attend. He was one of those weirdos who feels that when demanding a free kick that you should try and imitate the appropriate umpiring signal - queue arms going everywhere, and at one point almost decapitating his companion when calling for holding the ball.

In the last quarter as a prelude to the changeroom swindle I was smuggled into the reserved seat area, and quickly had the families of various players sitting around us pointed out to me lest I get upset and question somebody's parentage. It's not for me, maybe because I know a disgruntled Richmond supporter (is there any other type?) who nearly got into a fight with Danny Frawley's family after delivering a withering assessment of how 'Spud' was coaching.

What sort of environment is that to enjoy footy in? I'm far from the sort of abusive supporter who sits there tearing players to shreds for four quarters, but there's the odd outburst and I couldn't spend nine home games a year worrying that I'm going to go spare about Viv Michie only to find out that his entire family are sitting next door.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Garlett's snap in the third quarter was enjoyable, and he's still got the clubhouse lead for his goal against the Bulldogs, but he did stuff all else so I'm opting for Brayshaw this week. He didn't do all that much either, but the way he scooted off on Jack Ziebell, looked over his shoulder in mocking fashion then snapped truly was a thing of beauty and came at a vital time. I feel a rest is in his future in the next couple of weeks but what a first year he's had. In most other year's he'd be rampaging to a Rising Star, this time he might be lucky to make the top three.

Stat My Bitch Up
Our highest scoring loss since Round 5, 2013 sees us improve to 72.55 points-per-game. Which is impressive considering this year we've scored 50 twice and 60 three times - or as poker players call it a Full Shithouse.

Next Week
Given that I tipped the Bulldogs to finish last (oops) and we've beaten them once this year it's almost inconceivable that they're in the top four with a month left in the season but here we are. They'll have learnt their lesson from last time and should have no trouble taking care of us. Not to mention that it's at Docklands so good luck with that - though maybe after all the times we've gone in favourites at the ground we'll break our satanic run in the place.

I've got no doubt Howe is going, but there's an interesting sideline in that he if he gets to Round 23 unscathed he'll play 100 games and in 20 years time we'll be able to draft his kids. Except that once he's racked up the ton at his next club the kids will be able to choose them as well, and who's not going to want to follow the side their dad played in three premierships for?

Ask me again in 25 years when his progeny are the next coming of Tony Lockett but for now I don't care, it's hit the point where if he hasn't signed a contract he's taking the piss and we should move on. I'd rather not waste a spot in the team in the hope that one day we might be in a position to draft some currently fictional child. We pandered to the ridiculous idea that $cully (pre-'injury'), Rivers and Frawley were going to stay but the ankle injury provides a great opportunity to shelve him for good if he's not interested. Garland's heading down the same path, but at least he's kept quiet throughout the saga instead of just saying what people want to hear.

Casey were thumped by Box Hill so not sure if there's much to be gained from that performance, but it seems Salem got through ok so I'll have him back no questions asked.

IN: Salem, vandenBerg
OUT: Howe ('inj'), Grimes (omit)
LUCKY: Michie (he got into a bit more this week but surely by now it's confirmed that he's a spare parts player at best), Harmes (has definitely shown something but could get rotated out so we can give Riley or similar a go), Garland (has he lost interest? You'll never tell from his face), M. Jones (better than expected, happy to give him one more go and get him to 50 games but from there he can buy a Casey Scorpions season ticket)
UNLUCKY: Jamar (this was the week for him and they had no interest. He's got to get a farewell game at some point and I'm tipping we take the piss and it happens in Perth.), Riley

Was it worth it?
At first no, because you can't play a forward line free team who haven't bothered to do their homework every week, but the comeback nearly made leaving the house worthwhile. We're a year away from being able to pull this off against decent sides without them assisting us by committing football suicide a'la Essendon last year, but at least like Queen's Birthday it's proof that we can get a run on and kick multiple goals. Bitter experience proves that we can still concede them at a million miles an hour too.

Final Thoughts
On my way through the city this morning I noticed this message of hope and good cheer for Demon supporters everywhere.

Take off your pants and jacket

Odd week for football, average week for race relations, great week for sweeping bad news under the rug. Say there was a club who couldn't properly execute a 20m kick and they wanted everyone to talk about something else, any other week you'd be stuffed. This week the furore caused by West Australians making noises like constipated cows whenever Adam Goodes went near the ball, and many ordinary attempts at justifying everyone's 'right' to join in, ensured that Carlton, Melbourne AND Brisbane all managed to avoid anyone seriously asking the question of "what the fuck were you thinking?"

Thanks to Melbourne winning I'll spare you from a Roos-esque distraction piece where I waffle on about social issues without actually getting anywhere, but let's just say that even if you remove race from the potential reasons why you might show up and 'boo' Adam Goodes it just boils down to whether or not you've got the right to act like a hurtful, anti-social arsehole to a fellow human being - and that's not a great place to be.

It's hard to take the moral high-ground on these matters after being involved in this, but at least when you have the good manners to use words then people can judge your actions without the need for endless debates and think pieces. The nearest thing to a personal connection I have with Adam Goodes is that I was completely confused when he was involved in the three-way Brownlow tie because I'd spent the afternoon ripping cones but he's a human and a human who is obviously feeling the weight of being treated like a criminal for one of many poorly defined reasons. Continuing to 'boo' him does not necessarily make you a racist, but it does make you a cruel bastard.

In itself the practice is 'harmless', but if your kid went to school and was followed around all day by people booing them wherever they went you'd storm into the Principal's office and tip a table over. The argument that his actions on or off-field justify it is bizarre, and that standard is applied with the consistency of a holding the ball decision. I hope those of you who spent the week furiously justifying your god-given 'right to boo' didn't go hoarse hooting at Dane Swan (kicked the suitcase out of a cleaner), Marley Williams (broke somebody's jaw in a pub) or Taylor Adams (biffed a nightclub patron). Lucky their answer to Barlow and Chambers weren't out there or the moral compass would spun out of control.

Not that I'm suggesting any of them should have copped similar treatment, because for one they've all been judged by courts and secondly if you're over the age of nine no matter what the circumstances are booing makes you sound like a candidate for electric shock therapy. Whether you're losing your rag over a player, an umpire of the quality of chips at the MCG just take a moment to think about how you're rejecting thousands of years of development of the English language and expressing your displeasure by making an indeterminate noise. Even the word is open to ridicule, can't we at least find a sensible name to describe this practice? If we can't say 'king hit' any more surely there's something for which removes "boo" and inserts "dickhead".

You can't legislate against it without going well over the top, and even when the original point has been lost some people will push this to the limit for the rest of his career just to prove that they can, but here's to a bit of humanity breaking out. There's fat chance of that, so as nothing's more enjoyable than people you violently disagree with being sad here's to the Swans somehow coming back to win the flag. Your views may vary, and the best of old, white establishment British luck to you if they do but when you find yourself on the same side of an argument as A. Jones, Panahi, Devine, Akermanis and Bolt then it's probably time to reinvestigate where you're at.

After all the hot-takes in the world an 11-year-old kid summed it up.

He'll be leaning over the fence calling Jeremy Howe a cove next season but at least his heart is in the right place now. But you've not come on here for lengthy discussions about reconciliation, you've come to enjoy the continuing story of the Melbourne Football Club nudging me towards a mental breakdown. Well stiff shit, that project has been temporarily halted due to hurricane force gusts of magic in the Jolimont area.

Beating mid-table teams is what we do best, but after the grim reaper was spotted removing a vest late in last week's game it seemed unlikely that we'd be able to take advantage of Collingwood's ordinary form. One day I'd love to come out and topple a big side, but we're still in "take it where you can get it" territory for now so anything will do.

The fall-out from last week's dull, inspiration free slopfest was such that when Roos was quoted as claiming we were still a "destination" club it was like calling Mt Donna Buang a "destination snowfield". At the time the idea that anyone would want to join us was ridiculous, now after rolling one undermanned 11th placed side doing their best impression of us playing without a forward line in 2012-13 it seems plausible that everyone from Dion Prestia to Englebert Humperdink would want to join us. That's being a Melbourne supporter for you, we swing wildly from one end of the scale to the other on a weekly basis. Next week we'll lose and be linked to some VFL reserves players.

There are many great things to come out of this victory, but it won't come as a surprise to discover that my favourite bit was when we started leading and kicking to said lead. We must have done it more this week than for the entire season until now combined. Thank god too, because on Friday night I saw a kick/lead by two Hawthorn players that would make you slide off your seat no matter what the prevailing atmospheric conditions. The kicker (no interest in who he actually was) was on a dead angle against the boundary when a teammate (Gunston? Dunstall? Don't care) ran at him, took a mark and a goal resulted. Didn't help them in the end but they'll still win the flag. In the same situation we'd have hoofed the ball towards the square and hoped for the best, which is works once or twice a fortnight or when Hogan can get one-on-one with a defender but is one dimensional and often ends with the ball being rocketed down the other end for a goal.

Demanding that we be more like Hawthorn is to be one of the people who can't understand why we don't have Japanese style bullet trains between Glen Waverley and Flinders Street, but I'm glad somebody was paying attention to either the defending premiers or this blog (probably the latter) because god forbid yesterday saw a Melbourne forward line with space to move and midfielders who were happy to kick the ball to them.

Didn't last four quarters, but did enough to lay the foundation for great things. If we'd played the same game as last week both Jesse Hogan and I would have had a nervous breakdown. Until yesterday the best kick to a lead all year was from The Spencil, and the best lead to a short kick from inside 50 was from Tom McDonald in the last quarter against Essendon while acting with the most significant element of surprise since Pearl Harbour.

I'm torn between winning (marginally) more games than last year and having to play ugly to achieve it. Last year there was no doubt that harsh austerity measures were required to pull us back from the void, but at times this year it's seemed that we were just being boring for the sake of it. It was hard to draw a line between the good times of Kardinia Park and the three weeks in a row of scoring 60 followed by a 46 for good measure. Of course we looked better yesterday because we won, but having an open forward line and being able to hit targets by foot or hand more than once in a row helped. We were also assisted by the Pies having accidentally wiped the St Kilda game off their IQ and not realising that we'd fold like a house of cards under pressure.

Our early momentum could easily have been snuffed out if the Pies had done their homework or taken their chances. We were ripe to have the life squeezed out of us but they never seriously tried. Their non-forward line got an early boost with Howe being unfairly pinged for a throw after handballing it. Fasolo missed and failed to take proper advantage of his weird match-up against McDonald, but fortunately this week when it was clear that something was going against us we made appropriate changes and kept him under reasonable control for the rest of the game.

It seemed odd that against a side who are world standard at playing the mediocre into form that they would drop Jesse White, and after watching them struggle to find any decent targets inside 50 all day the idea looks even worse now. They also dropped the guy who took 300 intercept marks against us on Queen's Birthday so thanks for that too Bucks. Then there was Jamie Elliot arrogantly selected as sub because he wasn't fit enough to play four quarters (as demonstrated when a first gamer was vaulted into the starting line-up after a late withdrawal) because they thought they were going to give him a training run once the game was well won. Sucked in.

They could have easily put us away early if capable. It wasn't just the missed opportunity at goal but their general attack on the ball. If there's any team that you can put away in the first few minutes it's us, but Gawn was dominating the ruck and we were winning the contested possessions easily. They allowed Watts all the time in the world to get his confidence up by delivering Vince's first goal on a platter and we were off to the races.

Having watched several (hundred) teams over the years that weren't 'on' you could see that Collingwood were 'off'. Not sure if they just expected to roll up and turn us over on the back of all the 'honourable losses' they'd had in the last few weeks, but playing like us was taking it a step too far. Our kick-ins have actually been reasonable recently (even though 90% of them involving Dunn thumping it as far as possible), so how much did you love when they botched one, allowing Garland to spoil and Hogan to turn around and snap his first? Equally how much did you love the big finger point of acknowledgement by Jesse afterwards? As far as his finger pointing repertoire goes I also enjoy the way he arranges the other forwards - remember it's his first senior year - like a true leader. Any trade that we can broker which ends with another tall forward going to the Dockers so they stop even thinking about him would be highly beneficial.

They should have got that goal back immediately but missed the opportunity and continued to kick in Peg Leg Pete fashion for the rest of the day. Nobody gives a goal back faster than us, and how many times has it happened this year with the backup ruckman in the middle? I'm not blaming Dawes in this situation because it's not his key strength, and I'm not as down on him as some but I would really like Cameron Pedersen to make his surprise comeback soon. Even better, go out and get a real ruck/forward like Charlie Dixon to fit in behind Maximum in the ruck pecking order and alongside Hogan in the forward line.

The Pies were playing really badly, hilariously trying a short pass inside the forward 50 that went about eight metres and ended up being punted out on the full only for us to go down the other end, find five players on their own inside 50 and end with Garlett kicking his first. They were winning the clearances but so what, that was about as good as it got for them. We were playing much closer to the spirit of Kardinia Park than any of the gash that had followed in the next few weeks. If Tyson had kicked a relatively easy set-shot in the last 30 seconds it would have twisted the knife on them, but the way he's going this year we should just be happy that he didn't find a way to get pinged for holding the ball.

It was an encouraging start, but the difference between a lowly side playing above themselves and a good (well, average at least) side playing below is that there's usually only one way for both teams to go. Not only are we masters of following up a reasonable first quarter with a shithouse second but I just felt that when they stopped playing like us we'd get overtaken and eventually relative class would win out. At least if we were going to fold we were making them earn it by laying a series of violent, mean-spirited tackles. No wonder we were stuffed by the end of the third quarter but all's well that ends well. Even Watts, who looked like a completely different person compared the guy who didn't fancy it last week, laid a bump which hurt an opponent - temporarily at least. What manner of evil was this?

As predicted normal service resumed for the first 15 minutes of the second quarter. We blew a couple of opportunities in the opening minutes, but after taking all those marks inside 50 in the first term reverted to type and looked second rate. They got their second goal handed on a platter by Gawn finally coming a cropper taking massive defensive marks, but it's easy to forgive him considering all the good he's done recently. Even when he nearly killed Garland in another marking contest shortly after it's impossible to get upset at a ruckman so intent on getting the ball - so keen to be part of the contest. Jamar has been a warrior over the years but Maximum is the modern upgrade. Now for god's sake somebody sit down and give him a contract with a substantial number on it.

Despite wasting numerous opportunities they got in front quickly enough, and we went back into our shell. No matter what happened from there at least this time we'd played freely from the first bounce instead of waiting until we were four or five goals down. Fortunately Collingwood couldn't sustain it, and after dragging themselves into the lead they shut up shop and allowed us to first steady then to kick the last two goals of the quarter.

Everything about us seemed more adventurous, I loved seeing Garlett in the centre bounce more often this week instead of waiting to use him in case of an emergency and I swear there was a centre bounce in the third quarter where Hogan ran through and caused carnage. There must have been a deliberate move to open things up, and I'm not sure if it worked because Collingwood failed to apply pressure, because of great tactics or because the coaches thought we were going to lose anyway and thought "Let's give them attacking football so when we get thrashed it'll be proven as a bad idea". I hope it was the last one and our solid defensive performance came in spite of it.

Harry O seemed popular with the Pies fans. Never mind that the same people will be queueing down the street to get photos with him at a premiership reunion one day, but I'd have thought this week might have been a reasonable time to temporarily lay off targeting individual players. Anyone who follows the game knows why he was getting the treatment but you can imagine the confusion when a visitor or non-fan tuned in out of curiosity after the events of the week just to see 20,000 people loudly booing a black man. It obviously had more to do with his falling out with Buckley than merely leaving because nobody seemed to mind Chris Dawes, which is ironic because most of them will fall out with the coach as well by the end of the year if they haven't already.

Garlett also found himself on the end of 'scenes' after celebrating a goal in the vicinity of their cheersquad with an indigenous shimmy. Unfortunately the borderline incapable people sitting there must not have televisions or access to the news media because they seemed to think it had even the slightest thing to do with them or their club. Admittedly he could have done it at the other end when he kicked a goal in similar circumstances during the first quarter, but even then it was hardly the most provocative gesture of our time. It looked more like a goalkeeper doing the wobbly legs during a penalty shootout. Not that you'd know from the numbskulls commentating (Anthony Hudson is excused because he retained a dignified silence) who treated it like he'd dared opposition supporters to leap the fence and engage in hand-to-hand combat.

Just to prove that they don't just have issues with people of colour and are merely disagreeable individuals who haven't come to terms with losing games of football Jack Watts copped a battering late in the game too, but that's probably more to do with the fact that he had unexpectedly brained them all day.

Much to the delight of the nuffies behind the goals Jeff (never, ever Jeffy) stuffed up a chance shortly afterwards but their own side continued to spurn good chances at a rapid rate so we were able to keep them out for the rest of the quarter. Then after we'd enjoyed the sight of Watts wandering through several hapless defenders before missing, we nicked one ourself through vandenBerg (who bounced back nicely from the James Magner Mature Age Rookie Death Vortex) thanks to the umpire giving us pretty much the only favour of the first three quarters by completely ignoring Jack Viney dropping the ball in the lead-up.

AVB also lifted spirits before half time by poleaxing Pendlebury. He showed his gentlemanly side by apologising but perhaps that wasn't enough to defuse tensions because the two teams paid tribute to the very recently deceased Rowdy Roddy Piper by engaging in one of those fake "flying the flag" fights at half time. The sort of 'brawl' that achieves nothing other than giving the AFL the chance to collect a few thousand dollars which will later find their way back to us in a bailout. The only people who didn't think it was fake were Nathan Jones when he started it and Jack Viney who flew in and tried to kill a few people. Bless him.

Ahh Jones, what a man. How about the look of joy on his face when it all cleared up and he realised he'd caused carnage. He must know that he's only $2250 short of being the most fined MFC player ever and is trying to hit the lead by Round 23. He should have done it before June 30 and claimed a tax deduction. When all is said and done we will build a statue of him, and it will become football's version of Jim Morrison's grave.

You'd have thought that some stage-managed violence would have been enough to fire the Pies up, especially Travis Varcoe who was taking it just as badly you'd expect from somebody who has traded flags galore for a life of mid-table mediocrity, but apparently not. By our standards 41 is a good score at half time, but I was still terrified that we'd only manage 55 by the final siren. It's not like us to play four reasonable quarters, but we soon picked up where we'd left off.

Once we got the first goal of the third quarter I'd have thought it might be time to throw caution to the wind after five straight losses and introduce Elliot, but fortunately Buckley was treating the sub with a conservatism Roos would be proud of. It took two more goals to convince them, and when he eventually came on he was good but if he wasn't capable of doing it all day they were just taking the piss out of us by selecting him.

Everything was coming up Melbourne. We even managed to get a goal straight back after they'd kicked one. This is something that usually never happens for us, and of course it had to be Bernie Vince. Every day he gains on Troy Longmuir to Pick 19 to Brad Green as the all-time greatest final result for a Melbourne trade. Then Watts snapped one and party time started approaching rapidly.

Still thought we'd lose, and I tried to lift the spirits of my companion the noted Twitter shockjock @amul82 by telling him this but he wasn't buying it. And rightfully so as it turns out, but I think he was secretly enjoying losing because it fit his virulent anti-Buckley stance. In any case even if we were to win it seemed highly unlikely that we'd manage it without complications. Four goals is a great head start, but we go to sleep and wipe that off in a couple of minutes.

The comeback may have been my fault for thinking (but not saying) that they didn't have enough in them to beat us. Then they launched their second comeback. While we did eventually win quite easily it didn't look that way when Gawn was dying in the arse at a rapid rate, Dawes was expending air like a deflated North Melbourne banner and the rest of the team had switched from running around them in circles to standing still with hands on hips looking like they were about to keel over.

After they kicked two in quick succession we did quite well to lock it up until three quarter time. They should have had another, but fortunately Dane Swan's kick when streaming out of the centre went wide. Our defence did some fantastic work in these few minutes, the only time since the first quarter that they were seriously challenged by anything approaching a competent forward line.

Elliot also had a chance, and by this time Maximum looked like he'd need to be hooked up to an oxygen tank at three-quarter time. The problem was that not only did it look like we were gassing him beyond repair with 30 minutes of football left, but because the fact he couldn't lift himself off the ground any more was ruining our usual get out kick from defence. I can see why they didn't want to use Dawes in the ruck while the Pies had momentum, but we needed to get Howe or similar out wide to kick at. It's just lucky that Max was large enough to force the ball to ground whenever it landed in his vicinity until we were saved by the bell.

There was little faith that we could hold on to an eight point lead with our players looking out of gas and the Pies playing for their season. I'm still not sure how we no only managed to hold on but to win running away. Either Roos delivered his greatest speech, Buckley his worst or after years of people hanging shit on him Dave Misson finally delivered the goods.

We did get a slight hand from the umpires in the last quarter. Round 17's 'Pay Everything Week' had become 'Pay Nothing Week' by Round 18 and we only had eight free kicks in the first three quarters, so if there was any time for the inevitable square ups this was it. If for no other reason we deserved plenty to make up for the tragic scene in the third quarter when Jetta was upended by a player yanking at his ankle and got done for holding the ball. The eveners certainly came, but so did gutsy performances from top to bottom.

They went forward in the first minute and if we'd conceded a goal there it might have been good night and thank you, but they only managed one more point and were a thoroughly dispirited wreck by the final siren. How we pulled this off I have no idea even after watching the replay, but I loved every second of it. As we wrecked their season it got too much for one entitled Magpie who decided to heave his jumper onto the ground in disgust. Poker Face Colin Garland picked it up without breaking facial expression and threw it away, but given that we still haven't re-signed him I'm surprised he didn't just put it on and wander off to the Pies bench. Interestingly enough when we won Garland made exactly the same face he does when we lose by 100. The man is so stone cold he'd beat a lie detector machine.

It was appropriate that Vince would kick the crucial first goal of the last quarter (set up by Viney causing the ball to spill with a beastly tackle then Brayshaw setting up the goal AND laying a shepherd in the process just to prove that we can occasionally play sexy football), then the sealer would fall to Jones after we'd wasted five minutes missing shots that would have put them away. At least all the disastrous set shots had the dual effect of running the clock down and giving all the other players a chance to stand still and recover.

I'd thought Harmes might be dropped this week, but even though he was named sub they showed faith in him and were rewarded. After coming on in the third quarter he had solid impact in the backline while we were trying to save the game, then kicked a vital goal early in the last to effectively kill them off. Just to prove he could do it anywhere around the ground he later hit a belting tackle (unrewarded) as a Collingwood player was dashing off towards goal to cancel out Jones' sealer - but it did enough to stop them scoring. Neal-Bullen, who was pretty good as well, landed a similar big hit shortly after which was rewarded and he did more than enough to show that he's worth persisting with for the rest of the year.

Without a radio handy and no idea how much time there was left I was still scared of a horrible reverse, but at the point where a two handed Dawes shove in the back right in front of goal ended up being paid as a free kick to us I knew everything was going to be ok. That broke their back, and from there we were in total control. The only downside was when Harry O had a shot and missed, because one can only imagine how he would have celebrated kicking the sealer. It would have woven in several cultures, involved a backflip and ended in a riot-provoking gesture towards the hapless Collingwood coaches box.

There was further moments of Melbourne-esque football to come. The Pies hadn't been shy about showing their support for Bachar Houli by kicking in straight down the middle all day. Not that it ever seemed to work, but their shocking kick-ins reached their apex in the last quarter when Neville Jetta was pinpointed with a pass 40 metres out. Given the circumstances of the week Nifty might have unleashed an epic celebration of his own, but instead he passed to Jones who finally killed them off with a perfectly taken set shot.

Sometimes you only see things on replay, and late in the game Dunn did the most Dunn thing ever. Even though the game was well and truly over by then Garland was taking a set shot and Our Lynden ran his opponent past then used expressive gestures to demand a 50 from the umpire. If all things were fair this is the sort of guy that opposition fans would be booing, and for that reason I love him.

I'm led to believe that as all this was going on Fox Footy's "Press Red For Ed" wankfest was turning
into a black and white misery session. Any neutral fan who had tuned in before the last quarter was probably just trying to be outraged, but I expect the entire football community came out late in the game to see them slowly unwind when they realised their season was shot and they'd lost to a bottom four side. You can't fault his record leading a football club - and a flag will make any man a king - but he's a rookie list pantomime villain at best. Who'd have thought that anyone sitting in the same room as 'Strauchnie' - the worst Australian comedy character since King Billy Cokebottle - could play a less convincing character. The good news is that he'll have plenty of time to work on his "I'm going to take Queen's Birthday off you!" supervillain while sat on his couch all September watching a Collingwood-free finals series unfold.

It's a win I never thought we'd have, and it's temporarily at least halted the idea that Carlton would go into their game against us in a few weeks thinking they were a chance, so cherish it. For all the mud slung at Roos during the week, plenty by me, he delivered the goods this week. I'd still let Goodwin have a bash at the end of the season, never mind that during the week I saw the extremely rare scenario of somebody trying to sack him as coach 14 months before he takes over. This is Melbourne, there'll be plenty of time for that in the future...

2015 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Bernie Vince
4 - Jack Watts
3 - Jack Viney
2 - Nathan Jones
1 - Jesse Hogan

Major apologies to Gawn who lost the last vote in a thriller. In a highly competitive field the next level of apologies go to (in no particular order) Cross, Dunn, Garland, Garlett, Howe, Jetta and vandenBerg. Harmes also impressive as sub, and no doubt gave McGuire a multitude of opportunities to crack gags about the bloke who cost the Pies a premiership.

Leaderboard
Thanks to Bernard's latest BOG and the fact that there are now only 25 votes left to be won the dotted line has cut a swathe through the field, eliminating all but 11 contenders. Bad news for Mitch White but everyone below vandenBerg is now officially out of the running. We can also write off Pedersen, whose miracle recovery won't happen in time to keep him in the title race.

Bernie's now at short odds to become the second import after Brent Moloney to lift the Jakovich, but three of the top four scored votes to at least keep it interesting. Sizzle's chances of finishing on the podium are ebbing away, but he can console himself that Salem and Garland are both barely hanging on in the Seecamp race so he could go from 'provisional' to 'official' winner next Sunday afternoon.

Elsewhere Hogan inches forward towards a Hilton but could still be wiped out by one Brayshaw BOG. vandenBerg also remains in the race but would need a good run from here to trouble the big two. A reminder that to stay eligible for the award in 2016 debuting players need to start their career in the last four games of the season, so if there's any suggestion of a debut for Jayden Hunt this week he should feign a one week injury to ensure eligibility next year.

35 - Bernie Vince
29 - Tom McDonald (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
27 - Nathan Jones
26 - Jack Viney
20 - Jesse Hogan (LEADER: Jeff Hilton Rising Star Award)
17 - Angus Brayshaw, Jack Watts
11 - Daniel Cross, Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Cameron Pedersen
10 - Aaron vandenBerg
-----------------------------------------
8 - Jeff Garlett
6 - Christian Salem
5 - Colin Garland, Dom Tyson
4 - Chris Dawes
3 - Viv Michie
2 - Jack Fitzpatrick, Jeremy Howe, Heritier Lumumba
1 - Lynden Dunn, Mark Jamar, Ben Newton, Jake Spencer


It can't be easy to back-up for crepe paper action in weeks where the club has just turned on a turkey of a performance, but I did enjoy the minimalist Dees banner with My Heart Beats True and the heart rate graph. It was solid, pleasingly old school and was always rotated so that all parts of the ground could enjoy it.

In opposition the Pies banner was by no means terrible. It was decently kerned and the slogan flowed well from top to bottom but ran into disaster trying to centre the last line and crashing it into the left margin. Disappointing way to suffer defeat. Dees go 18-1-0 for the season.

Matchday Experience Watch
Considering they're our financial betters, and were at the forefront of fighting the 'sterile' atmosphere at games last season I was expecting a full force razzle-dazzle Las Vegas floor show with bungee jumping from helicopters and a live rendition of Good Old Collingwood Forever by a hologram of Frank Sinatra. Instead the McMansioners delivered something only marginally more exciting than what we do for $13.50 a week - and without any sort of competition involving fans nearly crippling themselves. Sadly for those of us who showed up intent on mockery they've saved a few bucks by sacking their Support Australian Hip Hop dance troupe.

They did have a slickly produced video show that none of the members at the top of the Ponsford Stand could hear because nobody had bothered to run it through the speaker system. It featured highlights of Shane Woewodin in a Pies jumper (though oddly enough not him kicking a goal in his first Queen's Birthday against us) and a player giving the weather report. $300,000 well spent right there. According to the weather report it "felt like 9", while according to my observations it seemed the player doing it "felt like a dickhead". They might have been playing it for comedy, but it was hard to judge when you were just watching his lips move and his eyes dart about like he wanted to be anywhere else on earth.

The good news for those of us who have had concerns about the quality of our Hells Bells/Grand Old Flag megamix is that even with all the money in the world Collingwood's attempt to weld some Top 40 garbage to their theme song went even less smoothly. Also suffering some issues was the COLLINGWOOD DOMINATION - ENVY OF THE NATION banner in their cheer squad, which is fine when you're playing a trainwreck side but must have had a series of disclaimers on the back listing all the clubs that they are in no way the envy of. Surely they don't bother against Geelong and Hawthorn.

No matter which club you support everyone was able to share in the matchday experience of waiting 20 seconds for the sponsor-laden animation to loop about nine times before any goal replay. At one point it took so long to get through it that another goal was about to be kicked by the time they'd shown the last one.

Finally, before they shut down all attempts at entertainment and bunkered down for the inevitable "we lost to Melbourne" carnage we got the worst half time quiz ever. The host foolishly made a big deal about what white-line fever psychos the two contestants plucked from the cheersquad were before they proceeded to get the last three questions wrong between them. When has any half-time quiz at the MCG ever ended in somebody not getting the answers spoon-fed to them? One of them was such a huge fan that he didn't know which state one of their players had been recruited from. Maybe spend less time running down to the fence screaming "GET FUCKED" at umpires and pay some attention to the players.

Crowd Watch
When I walked in to find that everywhere up to Row AA in the Ponsford was for Collingwood members only I was terrified. Not because it meant having to sit up the back which is welcomed but because the idea of being surrounded by opposition fans in a week where race issues have been top of the agenda filled me with dread.

The last time I sat amongst these people was on a Queen's Birthday when some horribly low grade woman dropped racial slurs against her own team's players so you can see why I was apprehensive but somehow managed to draw a collection of sane and rational supporters, none of whom had even the slightest interest in king hitting me for being a Melbourne fan (club has form) or taking offence at Garlett's harmless dance. They were more concerned about the Pies going tits up, and when a shot of Buckley came on the scoreboard one of them a few rows behind said: "We've got to get rid of him".

There was a guy in the row in front of me who gave up halfway through the third quarter. Then he returned and announced that he'd left his wallet behind. I pointed out that it hadn't been stolen because there was a Melbourne fan in the vicinity but he didn't bite because he was too busy trying to get as far away from the MCG as humanely possible. Also in front of us was a kid who turned around and asked "Do you know all the Melbourne player names?" after I celebrated another big Maximum mark. Of course I do kid, I've been swearing at them all for years.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
There were a few contenders, none that can match Jones' effort last week but at least these ones contributed towards a win. I'm opting for Hogan's goal at the start of the third quarter where he flew for the pack mark then crumbed his own contest to kick off the ground. Wins like this are what will convince him to sign a 20 year deal. Offer him all the money in the world. What a tragedy that he's in the most competitive Rising Star race for years, last season he'd have won a unanimous decision.

Stat My Bitch Up
For all the whinging about defensive football we only narrowly beat our season average - lifting us to 71.41ppg - and won primarily because we stopped them (or more accurately, they stopped themselves) from kicking a decent score. At least now we've kicked a higher score than Carlton AND Brisbane, though we're still lagging behind Gold Coast which is no fun. If we scored 120 next week it would take us all the way up to the giddying heights of 76.33. No pressure.

Next Week
For a team that's won nothing in the last decade and have been notoriously prone to spazzing out against lesser clubs North have certainly had us covered. Other than that fiasco in our 'home' game at Docklands a few years ago they've managed to hold us at arms' length for the last few years without doing too much damage. Doubt we'll win, but in a battle between two of the flakiest outfits known to man anything could happen.

I'm not keen on too many changes, but after spending much of the year sooking about Michie being dropped too soon I have to admit that he's not going anywhere fast and we may as well try somebody else. I'd love to pick Salem but the VFL reports suggest he's still a bit rusty so I'll give him one more week in the 2's.

IN: Riley
OUT: Michie (omit)
LUCKY: Grimes (it feels like killing Bambi because he tries hard, and stats would show a reasonable performance but the vibe says when Salem is back at 100% he's in deep shit)
UNLUCKY: Jamar (will be best on ground again, will undoubtedly be named in the extended Thursday team. Won't get a game), Salem

Allen Jakovich Day
Every year on August 3 we celebrate the anniversary of our saviour's demolition job on North Melbourne. He kicked 11.7, one out on the full and got reported for abusing an umpire. It was a performance with it all, and part of a career that demonstrated to Melbourne supporters how it was better to burn out than to fade away. Share your favourite Jakovich memories on any social network you can find using the hashtag #jakoday, and surely somebody somewhere flicking through Twitter on their phone from the bottom of a copper mine in Zimbabwe will turn to their colleague and say "Allen? Is this you?" Then he will return to a heroes welcome and we'll have 80,000 members overnight.

Meanwhile, why not take some time out of your day to watch his greatest day in its entirety:


Was it worth it?
For obvious reasons yes, but also for the opportunity to live out Cameron Schwab's dream and don a sensible private school blazer in MFC colours. I never minded them as much as some, but it's a gimmick that would be near impossible to get over at a club going as badly as ours so it's no surprise that buried deep in the auction items flogged on the website last week were a collection of the blazers in sizes big and small. I went for the largest size possible, made the mistake of thinking I was doing an Ebay style bid where you only have to pay your maximum if somebody pushes you to it and ended up paying $86 for the opportunity to do this photo. Money well spent.

Best MFC related money spent in years #blazerlife pic.twitter.com/nvSfOGcV6R

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) August 1, 2015

Somebody who was superstitious would wear it every week until we lost, but I'm a hard hearted realist and know that there's no voodoo strong enough to help us win two games in a row so the smoking jacket now goes in the cupboard to be dragged out for novelty occasions and grand finals only.

Final Thoughts
No point acting like we've turned the corner, because we've been going around in circles on like this all season. They don't have to win next week as long as they can move the ball in reasonable fashion and put in a decent performance against a finals contender.

We've managed to knock off +2500 day losing streaks against Collingwood, Geelong and Kardinia Park this season - 3270 days without beating North is the next cab off the rank. If we win that I might believe that better things are in our near future, but until then I will remain cautiously pessimistic. We're four games off the bottom and have helped tipped the Pies into turmoil, that will do me nicely for now.

Throwing deckchairs off the Titanic

Friends and sympathisers, I've not yet had time to proof read the post below so buyer beware. Which is also what it says on the back of our membership cards

In a week where the lesser Hulk Hogan has been exposed for being a bit of a racist it seems all that's left for us in 2015 is to take our vitamins and say our prayers that the red and blue one isn't sunning himself at Subiaco by Round 1 next year.

There were plenty of signs that this was not a day that would get the international market excited about football (first hint - the teams involved), but for Melbourne fans the second half of last week was probably all that was required to indicate there was a fiasco in our very near future. 

I've got no regrets at being happy about winning then, because as discussed at the time with our record you take it wherever you can get it, but the idea that it would translate to two in a row against a side in significantly better form than us was fanciful. Not that it was by any means an 'unwinnable' game, but St Kilda has vaulted off the bottom and straight past us at a million miles an hour this season. 

Even though we'd won the same number of games and might have beaten them a few weeks ago were it not for bungled timekeeping the last fortnight should have demonstrated that they would have more than enough in store to see us off. A sudden shock return to Kardinia Park style magic couldn't be ruled out, but after quarter time last week we were equal to or worse than the bottom side in the competition so I expected a next start let-down.

So it's not so much that we lost to St Kilda, if I couldn't handle that I'd be in a loony bin by now, but the way we set about totally dismantling ourselves to the point where by the last quarter nobody had any bloody idea what was going on.

When it comes to rebuilding quickly it helps to be able to revolve your side around one of the greatest players of a generation, and to have a solid crop of experienced players from a (relatively) successful recent future to complement the wide array of draft picks. We've had Nathan Jones rise from the backbenches to shoulder a herculean load, but what a luxury to have a future Hall of Famer like Riewoldt to hold it all together. 

Surely this is the year we at least get a player on the All-Australian shortlist (Vince or Jones, sadly Sizzle has slid too far down the board since Queen's Birthday) but shit sides who have finished below us on the ladder always seem to have at least one player in the team itself. We are trying to rebuild with no superstars, a handful of good players, promising kids and dregs - it's going to take some amazing luck to turn this around in any meaningful way before Jones' time is up - and it makes me sad in advance that if we are ever going to get better he might miss out. On what we saw yesterday the captain would have to drag out his career to absurd Dustin Fletcher style lengths to be involved. 

Fortunately, if the day had to turn out as the sort of footballing disaster that causes me to go off on massive philosophical tangents about how stuffed we are - the lightly read footy blogger (when do we get our TV show?) wheel of fortune spun in my favour and I wound up in a corporate box. Which at least meant I was physically comfortable while being tormented mentally.

This brief interlude as one of footy's rich and famous (hardly) didn't preclude me from being randomly selected for a metal detector check as I walked in the ground to scan my membership before walking straight back out and going in on the free ticket in an attempt to rort the attendance figures by one. It was 'random' in that there was absolutely nobody else going in so who else was he going to pick? I'm not suggesting it's a completely useless procedure, because one day somebody will try and get a rocket launcher into a Melbourne game, but given that it failed to detect any number of metal objects in my pockets let's just put it down as a token gesture rather than a serious attempt to catch people carrying samurai swords.

Having to get there 80 minutes before the first bounce was a small price to pay to avoid the elements. I'm too overly invested to walk out on any game early these days, and would have otherwise sat there until I couldn't feel my hands being 100 times more bitter and twisted about the disaster unfolding in front of me. Which would be saying somebody because days like this make me nothing if not bitter and twisted at accidentally following a club who turned a promising start into a decade long cover of the theme from Benny Hill.

I'd certainly never say no to an invite (PS this is not a hint), but in reality since I turned 18 and stopped being a drunken disgrace in superboxes I've been a terrible box mate. The expected behaviour is obviously to become uproariously intoxicated, make use of the suspiciously long and otherwise pointless steel bench in the toilet to do a Harley Bennell then spend four quarters scaring children by yelling obscenities out the window. Even with the motivation for self-destruction that comes with following Melbourne I'm too old for that now, and the only potential for drama all day was when some knob opened the window and as Arctic winds ripped through me I considered tipping him out.

The point to not being outside was that you didn't have to wear 13 layers of clothes, and here we have people throwing the window open and enjoying the elements. I'm a massive fan of winter but that was just too much. Nevertheless first world (actual world, not AFL world where we'd be lucky to cling on to third world status) problems aside you will be pleased to know I enjoyed the opportunity to eat about 13 sausage rolls and all but confirm a massive, fatal heart attack at three quarter time of the 2032 Grand Final just as the Dili Demons are finally poised to win it all.

Due to the early start the carnival atmosphere of free pastry and all the booze I wasn't interested in drinking was interrupted to study our initial warm-up, and the only thing of any note I manage to take from it was that Jesse Hogan was wearing an enormous pair of headphones. We used our industry connections to find out what he was listening to, and were not shocked by the results.



In another sign that the day wouldn't end well he nearly killed the one kid standing on the fence by getting soccer fever from the still-visible world game pitch imprinted on the MCG turf and attempting an ill-advised kick off the ground towards Nathan Jones which whizzed over Chunk's head and clacked into the top of the fence. A foot higher it would have caused the kid to do a full 360 and wind up in the Epworth. That's all we need, another lawsuit on our hands.

Whether you thought pouring rain or lovely sunshine was better for our chances of winning, Melbourne's weather had something for you before the game. By the end our team was so confused that even though the ground would have been heavy from all the rain just minutes before - and during - the game that they decided to play like it was taking place on Copacabana Beach instead of just hoofing it long to a contest. Not that hoofing it long helped us much when we actually did it, but it didn't have as much negative impact as trying to handball St Kilda to a standstill and hit laser like passes. It should be noted that in similar circumstances against the Bombers I was grumpy at them instinctively kicking long so at the moment I'm about as confused as our forward line set-up.

The long sleeves on St Kilda's jumper made them look like they were wearing a bio-hazard suit, which would have been exceedingly apt for the sort of poisonous slopfest they were about to be involved in. Let the record show that while we were absolutely slaughtered by the umpires we were playing so badly that even if they'd given us the free kicks we'd have handed the ball straight back anyway. In a low scoring game the Saints got some goals from questionable frees but when your entire side kicks six it's difficult to get up in arms too much about being rorted once or twice.

Yes, it was another glorious day for Melbourne football - the most damaged brand in the world of any organisation that hasn't killed somebody (although you could make a case given our recent history, let's see what toxic horrors turn up when they redevelop Junction Oval). The club that is single handedly fighting a rearguard action against knee-jerk rule changes by proving some players couldn't hit a target no matter how free and open the sport was engineered to become.

From the start you could tell something was wrong, much like the Essendon game Gawn was tapping everything and we were getting nothing out of it. They left the gate open by missing chances early, Hogan botched a sitter from right in front, simple disposals by both sides were failing to land in the same area code as their intended target and you knew it was going to be the sort of game to launch a thousand newspaper thinkpieces about the state of the game.

Once we did get our hands on it our forward line couldn't have been more dysfunctional. My kingdom for a properly functioning half-forward line. After his best game of the year last week Dawes started the game by taking a good overhead mark, then spent the rest of the quarter balancing the ledger by stuffing things up. Garlett was absent, McDonald was battling hard up the ground but couldn't get near it inside 50 (and should he have to? I'd much rather he went back on Riewoldt and did what he does best) to make a scoreboard impact and until Jones took it on himself to kick an absolute corker from the boundary line it was threatening to be a nil-all draw decided on behinds.

That was as good as it got for us, and the game was all but lost in the next few minutes when we caved in ans conceded four goals in a row. Our ball movement was absolutely putrid, and theirs wasn't much better but at least they managed to get players into space and string two kicks together instead of going around in circles by hand and foot until turning it over. Their first goal came when Riewoldt was left a mile in the open like a rookie (and never mind, their rookie forward was having a day out too) and managed to recover from a shithouse kick to set it up. In the process Nathan Jones did something which symbolised his last few seasons, putting his body on the line in a desperate attempt to stop them scoring but only coming out of it battered and bruised. Fortunately it wasn't serious because he's built like a brick shithouse, but it would have been an apt way for him to get hurt - trying to save the club without a teammate anywhere to be seen.

Riewoldt got a goal of his own a minute later, and he deserved it for having rescued his side from disaster to get the first one. Meanwhile at the other end we had players trying wild soccers off the ground and missing short passes to totally unaccompanied teammates. There's the difference between the sides for you. One of the many issues was that too often Hogan was up the ground taking strong marks and kicking it towards Dawes rather than the other way around. 

He might have been a bit down because his Hulkamania gimmick has been wrecked but we only managed to get it to him one-on-one in the forward line twice, one for an easy shot missed and one where he marked in the goal square then started his run-up in Williamstown before fortunately kicking it. Hulk Jesse tried hard for little reward, but he must get frustrated being on the end of that delivery. I love when he pushes up the ground and takes big grabs but unless there's somebody for him to kick it at what's the point?

What chance somebody takes a mark 60m out then turn around and kick it to a forward before opponents can get back and force a contested pack mark? Nil apparently. Then again, when St Kilda went down the other end and did the exact same thing they enjoyed the farcical scene of our defence parting like the red sea and straight into a forward's arms. Gleeful.

Jack Grimes was racking up possessions left right and centre but if there's a stat about attacking impact of a player he would have to have been near zero. Can't help when you look up and you've got a teammate one foot away but you don't have to give it to them - and he wasn't alone on that front. Lumumba's game didn't do much for me but at least he knew that when he got it the best course of action - after doing a bit of twinkletoed dancing - was to just roost it and hope for the best.

Max Gawn continued to press his claims as the #1 ruckman for many years to come by not only getting taps galore but quality possessions, and big marks. He's also the only player who tries to take contested marks in our defensive 50 rather than merely punching the ball towards the line but I suppose it helps that he's 7 foot tall.

On the other end of the scale vandenBerg was having a shocker, and we all hope that he's not about to plummet off the cliff Magner style but we'll know it's serious when he ends up being converted into a half-forward flanker.

It was a shit game, and one goal first quarters make the baby Jesus cry, but let's not go off on one about the future of the sport based on clashes between bottom sides. Quality of game discussions should take the same view as figure skating and knock out the highest and lowest scores to get a better picture of the real figure.

Quarter time was highlighted by Roos storming out and waving his arms around like a madman in the huddle, so we can only assume that if he thought that quarter was worth cracking the shits about that his post match review is going to involve a white sheet and a shotgun. I wouldn't say he was totally without fault, he was seemingly hardly reacting to make changes to things that weren't working and it looked like the only adventurous move all day was to send McDonald back into defence as a loose man late in the second quarter after we'd kicked two goals in a row. I know that 95% of all posts on here involve me whinging about us giving goals straight back after kicking them but that felt slightly defeatist. Good to see him pinching moves off noted coaching legend James Hird though, that will end well.

The blast must have had some effect because we dominated the first few minutes of the second quarter, but in another throwback to that well-loved Essendon game we were throwing away chances like they aren't precious - and got to 1.6 before kicking another goal. The Entertainers are back.

Meanwhile in a nod to last week (if we're going to do nostalgia can we look at 1998 instead?) it was like we expected the opposition to keep playing like arseholes all day to keep us in it, but unfortunately unlike Brisbane the Saints were capable of rising above that level before it was too late. We got the two late goals and kept them without one but were hardly looking likely to run away with it. Somehow at half time each side was reported to have a 76% disposal efficiency, which was like having a body that was 76% burn free and 24% which had been charred by Napalm.

You'd think considering the way we were playing the heavy rain which fell early in the third quarter would have helped us, instead it was the cue for St Kilda to turn it up a notch and start kicking set shots like it was dry. Meanwhile we sat around with our thumbs collectively up our arses watching them do this, putting those thumbs in danger of serious injury considering how often players were falling on said arses.

I'd like to think that by using the sub wisely the game could have been altered, but while 'Having a Vivian' is usually rhyming slang for taking a slash, in Michie's case it may as well stand for sitting on the bench for half the game wearing a high visibility vest then getting dropped immediately. He was ok when he came on for the struggling vandenBerg - and certainly better than when he came on against the Saints last time - but by the time he was let free they already had their tails up. Not expecting him to come on and play like Gary Ablett but something different would be nice instead of cheerily going off to the gallows without protest.

It was a lovely Riewoldt (who else?) goal that did us in - from a ball up towards the Members' Wing where we didn't have anybody goal side and the ball was slapped straight into the hands of a running player who kicked it down his throat. By this time the players were starting to look frazzled and I do wonder if playing all the seniors players in the pre-season is starting to get to them. Still the right thing to do, but having some depth to give them a break would be great.

Just to add to the fun there was a second during the quarter where I thought McDonald had done his knee in Jonathan Patton "still able to run off" style. Turned out that he'd just been clawed in the face during a marking contest. No need for a free kick though, even though it was the AFL's annual PAY EVERYTHING Round to try and stop the media whinging.

What a real fillip the sudden change of umpiring this week was for the game in this difficult time (4000 per game under the all time record for average crowds which was set before every game was on live, just shut the league down we're all doomed), and I know many fans who have been hoping for the weeks that the league would put every club on double secret probation and start pinging them for every minor indiscretion. 

It would be fair enough if they started doing that in Round 1 then continued it through to the final siren of the Grand Final, instead of introducing it in Round 17 then dropping it at the end of Round 23 just so commentators can tell us how great it is that the whistle is put away in the finals.

Fortunately the Sizzle eyes and knee both game good and he returned, thrown into defence again late in the quarter when we had got back into it only for us to crack open and let them kick a late goal. Tyson had the chance to cut the margin again right at the end but if anybody's knows what has happened to the Dom Tyson of 2014 please advise the Melbourne Football Club immediately.

The star of the third quarter was Jack Viney, who was tagging Jack Steven into the ground and racking up touches at will. Even his disposals weren't as wonky as usual, capping off his best game yet. Taking the piss out of individuals for poor kicking in a team like this is impolite, but other than the one that caused a goal in the first quarter his turnovers weren't as damaging as others. He is rapidly growing in stature as a tagger who can also do damage but let's see what happens when other sides work it out and start hunting him instead. Either way he'll go as far as somebody who throws themselves into the game that hard can before their head caves in and they have to retire to the couch.

The wind was in our favour in the last quarter so if Tyson had kicked that (I can't slag us for conceding the one before so soon after complaining about the use of the loose man) we were an outside chance, but in another tribute to the Essendon game we'd left ourselves with too much to do. This time we didn't even have it in us to give them a scare and the Saints trotted away to an easy victory.

Throwing Garlett into the middle for the first bounce of the last quarter was great, and he hoovered up the first hitout in expert fashion then did the right thing by just lobbing it in quick and hoping for the best but a St Kilda player got in the way (as they so often did) and that was our last gasp. We go straight down the other end and Jetta - who had played a really good first half before it all went tits up for him - gifted the Saints his second goal in a row and it was officially over.

Sadly 'officially' didn't mean that everyone got to pack up and go home, so we enjoyed the two sides going through the motions for the next 30 minutes. Despite the conditions half the team hadn't had a tackle to this point, and we only managed 57 for the game so there's your weekly statistical indictment.

It got to the point where even the umpires had given up, and after guessing all day they managed to ping Jack Watts for handballing over his head. Watts has had a hard enough time, that's the last thing he needs. He got the ball enough but I didn't think he played a particularly good game, and looked like he wanted to be almost anywhere else. Maybe if he can't get to sunny Queensland where nobody knows who he is he should try and get traded to an Docklands side to avoid having to play in the conditions?

There was one other farcical moment where Jack had his legs taken out but the umpire paid a free to the opponent for in the back. There was some suggestion the free had happened before the slide but if the rule has been introduced for the safety of players why doesn't it supercede everything else? If you got pushed in the back then punched somebody in the face they would get the free, why isn't it the same with sliding? Perhaps because it was another knee-jerk rule introduced at the drop of a hat, leaving umpires with another interpretation to confuse everyone with.

Against all odds by the five minute mark of the last quarter I was the only person in the box left seriously watching the game. Even the father/son Melbourne fans behind me were talking amongst themselves only to chip in with swearing when we did something wrong. At the end of the game I accidentally insulted one of them when in a conversational mix-up he said something about Watts having a good game and I said "get stuffed" immediately after. The misunderstanding was never cleared up.

Even though everyone else had turned to eating scones and sinking as much free piss as they could in the remaining minutes, leaving me to enjoy the spectacle even I was starting to get bored and spent more time refreshing Twitter on my phone to enjoy the cleansing experience of seeing other Melbourne fans losing their minds while the team shits the bed. It wasn't until this point that I realised the game was being shown on the in-box TV (I had a headphone in, just one though because two would have been anti-social) and that's why all day I thought I'd been hearing mystery umpiring whistles - because the television was a few seconds behind the play. Turns out I wasn't losing my mind after all, other than having left the house to watch this rubbish and then stayed to the end 

By then Channel 7's clock had quit and was counting up by the last quarter. Which is the exact opposite to how their ratings were going.

We lost, we didn't deserve any better. Throw a rock and you'll find somebody guilty, but don't downplay how much it helped St Kilda to have Riewoldt down there. There's something for Hogan to look at, the guy is never going to win a premiership but he is going to go down as a legend of club and competition. More importantly he will not be leaving the game as a poor man, there's cash to be made as a one-club player - and if we lose Jesse now then our poor membership department may as well relocate to Uganda so he should think of them then block the phone number of anyone involved with Freo.

Didn't seem to me that we were set up as if all that concerned about launching a comeback in the last quarter. Not even claiming a $500k Tankquiry deposit is required, just that was a missed opportunity. If Garlett in the middle was the extent of it then it was a good start but what happened to the other 19 pages of the plan?

The season is shot right up, and at this point I'm very keen on Roos opting to swap roles with Goodwin for the last month. As long as it's not done just in time for Freo to dismember us. There's no doubt he's been involved in a lot of improvements but what a great opportunity to shuffle things around and give the future coach a taste of the good stuff.

2015 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jack Viney
4 - Daniel Cross
3 - Max Gawn
2 - Jeremy Howe
1 - Nathan Jones

Apologies to McDonald and Grimes.

Leaderboard
An all-night meeting of the Demonblog National Conference has made a decision regarding eligibility for the Seecamp. The player must appear in at least 50% of the games in defence AND earn at least 50% of his total votes there or he shall become ineligible. Great news for the King of Sizzle, who now looks certain to add the defender's medal to his Hilton and Demonbracket successes of the past. On that note I'd like to congratulate him on being declared the provisional winner of this year's award. If he gets enough votes to disqualify himself now he'll be winning a much more important medal anyway so either way he's making out like a bandit.

At the top neither of the top two scored again, so the big mover was Jack Viney who storms into fourth and is just a game and a half behind the leader. Nathan Jones also moves within striking distance of the leaders and has become a big chance of lifting his fifth Jakovich. In the other minors there's no movement on the Hilton front, but Gawn has almost confirmed victory in the Stynes. There are still 30 votes available, so the dreaded dotted line will be appearing for the first time next week as players are eliminated, but realistically it's down to the top four now.

30 - Bernie Vince
29 - Tom McDonald (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
25 - Nathan Jones
23 - Jack Viney
19 - Jesse Hogan (LEADER: Jeff Hilton Rising Star Award)
17 - Angus Brayshaw
13 - Jack Watts
11 - Daniel Cross, Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Cameron Pedersen
10 - Aaron vandenBerg
8 - Jeff Garlett
6 - Christian Salem
5 - Colin Garland, Dom Tyson
4 - Chris Dawes
3 - Viv Michie
2 - Jack Fitzpatrick, Jeremy Howe, Heritier Lumumba
1 - Lynden Dunn, Mark Jamar, Ben Newton, Jake Spencer


It was nice to get pre-warning that our effort would be sponsor heavy. Well, you have to pay the bills somehow and at least we've got it in writing somewhere that we're excited about the 30 year partnership with the City of Casey even as both parties are probably both scouring the contract to find if there's a way to get out.

Don't get your hopes up @Demonblog. All sponsors stuff. Judge our kerning #bannerwatch

— Sophie Galer (@SoapieG) July 26, 2015

Interestingly there was no rotation, which I feel is a first. Indeed it did have nice kerning, but we were very lucky to be against St Kilda and their banners that look as if they were constructed in a primary school art class because if we'd been against Hawthorn's fantastic effort on Friday night featuring a perfectly drawn cartoon bird waving a cutlass about there's no way even in a competition this rigged that I could have declared us the winner. 

As it were the only thing that stopped their thin sliver of a banner from being totally see through was a giant Dare Iced Coffee logo on our side - and all I could see poking through were the words "let's win tonight" for a game that ended at 6pm. Here's hoping their banners can rebuild as quickly as the club. 17-1-0 for the season.

Matchday Experience Watch
Should have known we were in for a dud day when there wasn't even a near tragedy during Howie's Hangers. Other than that everything was as normal, except for the trumpeteer being allowed to go home about a minute into the last quarter. Meanwhile I hope by next year they've got a better Hells Bells/Grand Old Flag mashup, it's a good concept but the mix is comically unmatched at the moment and it skips from menacing to jaunty in one second. I once edited a new version of Freo's theme song, I know audio mixing and it needs to make use of the fade in/out feature.

Last week one old lady sitting near me was horrified at the idea that they weren't even going to play the theme until it hit out of nowhere just as they came through the banner, in difficult times we can't afford to toy with people's emotions like this.

Meanwhile in matters that aren't directly under the control of the Melbourne Football Club it was good to see the Little League kids wheeled out at 2pm to play in front of approximately 125 people just so half time could be occupied by overweight adults playing AFL 9's (or as the league call it 'Australian football rules 2020') and the sponsored 'kick-to-kick' session. I thought this stupid idea had been retired last season, but at least now they're not trying to pretend that the 'lucky' people who get to wear a t-shirt promoting a chocolate bar while they aimlessly punt the ball around (also known as "playing for Carlton") are randomly selected, because I'm sure if anybody other than me cared about these things I'm sure nobody would be fooled.

You can do whatever you like at half time and unless it involves full frontal nudity or a public execution nobody will care, but I still find it tremendously rude that these kids are given a token run in an empty stadium (in this case, in pouring rain but I won't hold that against the league). As if they're going to remember that fondly, and isn't the whole point to create memories that will rope the kids in as life-long fans? Don't ask me, I turned down the chance to play in Grade 6 because I didn't want to go to Waverley on a Friday night but I'm sure it would have been memorable. It's just that you may as well get the kids there after school on a Thursday if you're going to treat their 'big day' with that sort of contempt anyway. Unless it's the league trying to get them over as a curtain raiser because they know while we all demand the reintroduction of Reserves games after two weeks none of us will be bothered to show up for them.

Crowd Watch
Nobody was there, but what a surprise that people would rather watch a game live on free-to-air television than leave the house to freeze their tits off with half the carpark closed and dickhead football firmly on the agenda. As with last week and the week before it, good luck legislating to create interest in games where players can't hit a target by foot from 20m under no pressure and handball to teammates a foot away. Maybe just legislate against us as a start? I notice the Carlton game on Friday night was refreshingly open and free-flowing, and look how well that turned out for them?

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Poor Jeff Garlett, you dominate the competition all year and get about 13 nominations only for Nathan Jones to nip in and steal the clubhouse lead with a few weeks left. His banana on the run while simultaneously being pushed to the ground during the first quarter was a thing of beauty, and it pushes Garlett vs Footscray and vs Geelong into second and third places. He was beaten to the Hilton in his first season by the late great Matthew Bate but has won every other competition he's been eligible for so I wouldn't be surprised if he switches into defence in his declining years and pockets the Seecamp as well. And I will build a statue of him if he finishes his career with us, so he's got that going for him as well.

Stat My Bitch Up
Every time you think sub-50 scores are a thing of the past they come back to mock us. We outscored Carlton, they lost by 135 points and we're still behind them for overall scores this year. A forward line that is led by Levi Casboult and ? is nine points better off than us and people think it's an absolute certainty that we're going to beat them in Round 21. Our defence is better though, which is comforting in a way. Now the only side we've kicked more points than - at 70.18ppg - is Brisbane so thank goodness we've got them covered.

Today somebody was telling me about how their kids are "old enough" to now flat out refuse to go to the footy, and is it any surprise considering how many times we've finished below 50 in the last few years? A handful of 100+ scores every year aren't going to rope the children in, consistently scoring over 70 instead of swinging from one end of the scale to the other on a weekly basis might help. I've said it before and I will say it again, as the older members die off we've got about five years to replace them before we're going back to the AFL with our mooching sack again - and this time they would be well within their rights to tell us to piss off.

The Demonblog Megastore
During the week Taylor Swift contentiously launched her 'TS 1989' range in China, a nation which rather remembers 1989 and the initials T.S more for some major unpleasantness in a public area rather than the birthdate of a pop idol. 

Because everything in my life eventually relates back to the Melbourne Football Club the first thing I thought of was a future debacle where we somehow end up releasing merchandise with 186 emblazoned across it. Meanwhile she was born in 1989 and is worth tens of millions, while I went to my first game that year and have seen stuff all success since.

I also found an apt sponsor in the carpark pre-match. 1300 FORK should have shown up for the MFC hat trick.

Hopefully 1300 TOASTER are also here pic.twitter.com/165CzrXUsO

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) July 26, 2015

Next Week
Collingwood in crisis! Cloke out! Well that's a certain morale boosting victory for them then isn't it? As the greyhound industry has successfully demonstrated you can't beat a bit of live baiting, and either we're going to come out and have an almighty bash or the less than traditional Pies away game is going to turn ugly.

Hope we get a montage of classic moments from non-traditionals of the past like Petterd's dropped mark and Ben Johnson hitting Daniel Bell so hard the space/time continuum tore and we were the ones who ended up being sued. Incidentally does anyone know what happened with that case? How much did it cost us and who left the insurance forms in the top drawer of a $30,000 oak drawer so we weren't covered.

Not our home game so who gives a shit but I can't see many Demons coming out to enjoy playing the old enemy (well our old enemy, they are not interested in us) back into form while 40,000 simpletons who have never been further than Epping make snide remarks about the snow. The good news is there's a Press Red for Ed session of Fox Footy if you want to recreate the experience. I'll do Press Yellow for Slander if Foxtel will put me up in a warm commentary box.

The initial thought is to make wholesale changes and see what else we can do, but no offence to Jordie McKenzie but when he's the best in the VFL then the stocks are thin. Looking forward to getting Salem and Kent back but neither is fit yet (Kent's hamstring didn't even get through a comeback game in the thirds) and that doesn't leaves us with much to get excited over. No offence to the two I'm omitting, just think that they've had a reasonable go the last few weeks and should go back and get a lot of kicks in the VFL for a week or two instead of a handful in the seniors. Also keen on bringing in Riley for his 50% bone-jarring tackles, 50% in the back free kicks routine and hoping that we get more of the latter.

IN: Neal-Bullen, Riley
OUT: Harmes, Stretch (omit)
LUCKY: Brayshaw (tired - if not this week will be rested soon), Dawes (up and down like the proverbial), Grimes (can get it, can't use it), Howe (getting to the "what's the point?" stage), Lumumba (I will never say no to somebody playing merely out of spite), Michie (will probably get dropped anyway, because that's what they do with him), Tyson (one more go)
UNLUCKY: Spencer (just because I like him), Hunt (amongst the Casey bests a few weeks in a row), McKenzie (I'm all for rewarding form but there really is no point now)

After next week
Imagine the sort of crowd we're going to get against GWS at Docklands if we somehow contrive to lose to Carlton in our last Victorian game before that. Turns out I might not be there either, a holiday booking disaster saw the as yet unscheduled last round treated as the first week of the finals. If it's the 3.20 or 4.40 Sunday game I might still make it just to wonder why I bothered. Somebody's got to go, otherwise it'll just be our cheer squad sitting in an empty stadium. Even those GWS 'monks' don't bother now that the AFL aren't paying them appearance money.

It's late enough in the year that you can now honestly admit to looking at the top five draft prospects (did you know there's a GWS Academy player called Harry Himmelburg? Surely they've got enough other players to bid on that we can get that zany Zeppelinesque name on our list). It's also a great time to start making uninformed speculation about contracts. We haven't had a contract extension for a while so there are a few decent names left with their future in the air and a few weeks left to either save themselves or squeeze out a few

Daniel Cross - Must get another year on current form. Might not last the full 2016 but has to be there at the start. Knowing our record for making ludicrous decisions we'll probably suggest he retires only for him to go back to Footscray and win the flag.

Jack Fitzpatrick - When he was flogging Tom Boyd as a makeshift defender a few weeks back you'd have thought he was a certainty. I expect him to get another go in the next few weeks but hopefully his career isn't going to suffer Death by Tunnelball.

Colin Garland - He's going isn't it? Hard to tell if he's got the Thousand Yard Stare or if that's just the way he always looks but I guarantee you he's not having any fun whatsoever playing in that backline, and if he hasn't made the decision already he will when he sees Frawley waving the premiership cup over his head in early October. Will probably wind up at Hawthorn - because everyone does eventually - and at least then he'll get to play games in Tasmania.

Max Gawn - Write out contract for a reasonable amount of money, put contract in front of him, file signed contract with AFL. He does not in any way seem to be the sort of guy who would dick us at this stage of his career but #fistedforever is not just a hashtag, it's a life philosophy.

James Harmes - Has done enough in the last few weeks to be retained for another year, but not sure if he's worth an upgrade to the senior list yet. My limited understanding of player contract rules is that you're allowed to retain one third year rookie for a third year.

Jeremy Howe - I'll assume the contract talks that were slated to start during May have 'stalled', and am absolutely convinced he'll be off at the end of the year. He can do a Garland and go to North to enjoy the opportunity of playing 'home games' in Tassie.

Jayden Hunt - Has been in the bests for Casey a few times recently, so may as well give him a go in the seniors at some point over the next few weeks. Maybe it's better for him if he gets to the end of the year without demonstrating what he's like in senior company just in case we don't like what we see. I will suggest he gets another go no matter what due to mass drain of players elsewhere.

Mark Jamar - Hope he gets a go somewhere else for a year or two, never my favourite player but can't deny he's put in over the years while playing in some filthy sides.

Max King - If you can only have one third year rookie then either he or Harmes is going to have to be promoted. Booted five in a game at Casey and will survive based on the theory about ruckmen taking longer, but not sure if senior list or rookie. Might depend on what happens to Fitzpatrick.

Jordie McKenzie - Gone. Remember the good times, like when Adelaide wanted him to join them and go straight to the senior list but he choose to stay as a rookie with us. That should have tipped us off to a penchant for poor decision making.

Cameron Pedersen - Finally coming to the end of the ever popular three year contract, which against the odds turned out to be one of Neeld's few great moves. Was doing really well before injured so he's got to stay.

Jimmy Toumpas - Trade value sadly negligible, but if he's interested in making it back to South Australia we should get something for him. Another classic MFC success story.

Mitchell White - Never seen him play in my life but usually rookies get two years so best of luck to him.

Nobody seems to know how long Rohan Bail, Sam Frost, Viv Michie, Ben Newton, Aidan Riley, Dean Terlich or Dom Tyson are signed for. I'm sure Tyson, Newton and Frost are signed up for longer but we just don't know about it, but surely if Bail or Terlich are only there for this year - and you'd think so but we've done stranger things - they are gone. As for the other two neither are shooting the lights out but if my predictions are correct and we lose seven (Garland as a free agent, Toumpas and Howe as trades, Bail, Jamar, McKenzie and Terlich as delistings) I think both will get the time honoured 'one more go' to keep senior bodies on the list.

Roos wants another A-grade midfielder, and fair enough because who doesn't? But I look forward to a trade period of being linked with everyone under the sun only to settle for the comeback kid Cale Morton on a free transfer. Unfair comparisons aside I would take him if it cost nowt and he agreed to undergo the same sort of basic training that turned Private Pyle into a killing machine in Full Metal Jacket. I fear even if it did make perfect sense (and it doen't, but I'd love us to have a redemption story), that he'd walk through the door and be so traumatised by the memories that he kept going out the fire escape and into the Yarra.

Freudian Slop
The other night I had a wonderful dream that we had won a grand final. No idea how we did it but Bernie Vince and Daniel Cross were involved so the fantasy can't have been set too far in the future. The telling bit for psychologists both pro and amateur to tear apart is that I was watching in my loungeroom and after it became obvious we were going to win and I'd shed tears of joy I then went off to find somebody else to share the elation with but nobody was interested. Next thing I was at some rinky dink local market where somebody was selling guinea pigs and got home just after the Norm Smith Medal winner had been announced.

Fanciful stuff, possibly pointing towards total mental breakdown.

Was it worth it?
If only just to 'be there', and for the free food because otherwise it was bad football played badly in front of a bad crowd in bad weather. Will still be there hate-watching next week, waiting patiently for the levee to break and our remaining fans to go right off their collective nut if we stink the joint up again.

Final Thoughts
We're like a minor political party now, just on the ballot out of habit and treating any minor success like it's life changing. It's just a slapdash collection of battlers hoping for the best. Appoint the receivers now. Look, we're better than Brisbane. That's got to be some sort of comfort doesn't it? No? Fair enough, carry on then.

Update - I bet you're glad you plowed through all that misery when commenter 'Anonymous' has summed it all up in three words:

And how!