Stick a Hawk in the toaster

A record home crowd, continued mastery of the sport's most important ground, and sensible people in commemorative caps coming out ahead of grown adults in Reject Shop wizard hats. What's not to like?

Hopefully, this was a good enough follow-up for the people who were bitterly disappointed at not beating West Coast by 137 points last week. The usual footy maths calculations don't apply to this team. We'd all like to batter a down on their luck side in savage fashion, but I'm quite happy with going through the motions, then completing an eight premiership point play the next week. 

Hawthorn had key players missing at both ends, but that's life. If you're an alleged flag aspirant, you'll find somebody to replace them. Maybe they're not. Maybe we... Let's not get silly about things, but this was a very good win. At times it was unattractive, but when we got going, the excitement level was off the charts. I'm clamping the lid on because there's going to be a reality check somewhere along the way, but other than one obvious exception, this season has been '98 level enjoyable.

At this stage, I'd be willing to do an armed robbery if Steven King told me to, but what about responding to Hawthorn picking a bunch of tall forwards by sending Petty forward? This is about the 13th time he's switched ends in the last five years, and I've gone from loving it to despising it, with various degrees of grudging acceptance in between. 

Hawthorn's coaching staff missed the post-match interview last week where it was revealed he was meant to play forward, because this came as a Pearl Harbour-level surprise to their defenders. First he bobs up in a pack for the mark and goal, then he got the second via a snap that no converted premiership defender has the right to kick.

The fun slowed down for a bit after that, and in the first VFL/AFL game ever to feature a Calsher vs a Koltyn, the former missed a pair of set shots. Hawthorn finally got the second from an angle/distance within their range after Langdon got pinched holding the ball, then gave away a 50 by trying to launch his own video review challenge by telling the umpire to watch the big screen replay. The umpire responded by saying, "Yes, Ed, I would like to make another decision" and advancing the kick from hard on the boundary line to five metres out in the square. This was part of a first half where Langdon had a spectacular fall from being our best last week to looking like he'd only just taken up the sport.

I still don't believe our high scoring is real, and keep stressing that whenever the opposition kicks a goal, we're not going to be able to respond. But it keeps happening - except for whatever reason against a side on a 17 game losing streak. See, for instance, van Rooyen replying with a snap past two defenders who 95% of the time would've got at least one part of their body on it. From his reaction, I don't think JVR could believe it went through either.

Conceding the last goal and going to quarter time with scores level was unfortunate, but you could tell we were right up for it, and they were perhaps not. It wasn't just hanging around as nuisance value while kicking set shots as if drunk, like last year's corresponding fixture. There was a sense we were right in this, helped by the opening two goals of the second term. Suspicions of Hawthorn taking a casual attitude to the contest were helped by a set shot around the corner not making the distance from 25 metres out. But, this kicked off their best passage of the game, with two goals - including one end-to-end with a ripper of a finish from the boundary line. I think the FanFooty log sums the state of the game up more succinctly than I ever could:

Yes they had, and yes they were. But only until Mr. Main Event himself Harvey Langford turned up for a goal to restore the half time lead. It could've been even better had Jefferson not shanked a set shot after the siren, but I was willing to believe that this wasn't going to end in a fourth quarter implosion like last year.

Despite Jefferson's miss, this turned out to be his best game yet. To play amateur psychologist, I hope this was good for his confidence. He obviously has natural talent but looks like he doesn't believe he should be in this position. We've all been there, but not usually in front of 65,000 people. He got the first of the third quarter, kicking off a spot of madness where both Laurie and Langdon followed and built up a handy lead. It held, but not without brief challenges from the opposition, and a coach who looked as if he'd smash something through the wall if the cameras were turned off. 

They replied with two, then we got three, including the lowest percentage successful handoff in history, as Steele handballed to Fritsch running past him on the boundary side, and somehow it ended in a goal. This excited Fritsch so much that he later attempted to recreate the running goal from the opposite side pocket against Geelong in 2024, which was the last gasp of our era as a premiership-quality team before the rot set in. Didn't work as well. Nor did Pickett (L) trying to wrong-foot the opponent in front of him, forgetting there was another right behind him.

After all that, phrases like "here we go", and "isn't that bloody typical" were aired when Hawthorn got one with 90 seconds left. But your friend and mine, Langford was there for a reverse DemonTime reply, and good times were back on the agenda. 

Based on the season to date, we should've been good for a 20 point lead in the last quarter, but I was obviously not taking anything for granted. Indeed, I was metaphorically shitting myself at the prospect of leaving the door open. Enter the cheeriest man in footy, Kade Chandler, to roll through a long shot which took a kind bounce and briefly threatened to sit up perfectly for Petty to smash home off the ground. 

There was plenty of time left for a cock-up, but for the nervous viewer, this was the dictionary definition of a settler. Further settling was provided by the Hawks missing more gettable set shots, before Howes did a turbo run through the middle to set up Pickett (K) for a second and, realistically, we were home. I couldn't bring myself to see it that way, until Sparrow turned the next centre bounce into a Sharp goal, then there was some element of relaxation. The most comfortable person would be Sparrow's agent, who is sitting there watching the value of his next contract go up like a stock market boom.

And so it went on, ending for our purposes with Fritsch getting a conventional one after James Sicily realised the futility of fighting on and just let himself be tackled. The open questions are a) how will Steven King react when we have a few down weeks, and b) does the crowd still go boonta for Sweet Caroline after Harry Sharp kicks a goal while we're getting thrashed? May we never have to find out the answer to either. By the time Sharp put on two in the last quarter romp, even I had a positive view of that bloody song. 

It would've looked even better if we hadn't let in a couple of goals at the end, but you'd have to be a ruthlessly hard bastard to let that ruin your enjoyment of a rampant last term. This was a terrific result, both ugly and beautiful at times, but when the game was there to be won, we joyfully kicked quality opposition in the knackers. My refusal to go for the local team in 1988 has cost me a shitload of flags and assorted good times, but this was a rare occasion where it paid off. Added bonus - not having to wear toilet colours or a cheap wizard hat.     

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom Sparrow
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Harvey Langford

Apologies to practically everyone else.

Leaderboard
Max is back, restoring his near two-BOG lead. The lost member of the Viney family, Sparrow is on his way to an inaugural podium finish, passing Steele for third. Before this year he only had 17 career votes total, equal with Byron Pickett and Clint Bizzell. Now he's one vote off passing Cale Morton. Christ, I've been doing this for a long time. In the minors, the Turner stranglehold on the Seecamp is tightening, and after Heath's Rising Star near miss in Sydney, we're still in 'no eligible player' territory. 

29 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Jack Steele
10 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harvey Langford, Caleb Windsor
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harrison Petty, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
Back to the ground once known as Fortress Docklands to see if we can do over another team with 'West' in their name. Yes, it's time to reinstate a rivalry with the Bulldogs which burned brightly for about 12 months and nobody has given a rats about since. Mainly because we've been unwatchable for two years. Now glamour team status has arrived, and there should be proper interest in this. Let's not get too excited by them losing to Carlton. That's probably worse for us because now Beveridge will spend the week making players crawl under barbed wire with machine guns being fired over their heads, so they'll be right up for it.

Last week, I came into the Casey game when they were winning, and it ended in an epic pounding. This time they'd just conceded a 40 point quarter time lead and looked like being violated again, then held it together to lose by not much more. Key finding - St Kilda had a player called Billy McGee-Galimberti, which is the most improbable name since Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo. Otherwise nada. Amateur selection sleuths could point to Kentfield's two goals from three kicks. Not sure if that's a case for, or against picking him but it's probably not happening anyway. Could always play him as the 5% second ruck instead of Heath, which I base entirely on a game where he had one hitout.  

If Windsor has recovered from his case of left big toe, he's an automatic inclusion. In the other direction goes Latrelle, who we all love but just had two kicks at zero percent efficiency. If he was Latrelle Smith nobody would argue about it. Put your feet up for a week son. And I'll keep Laurie, who I'm not crazy about, but am willing to go with for a bit longer.

There shall be no Tom Campbell, who retired during the week after his earlier neck injury. He joins names like no relation Robert Campbell, Majak Daw, and Ezra Poyas in the hallowed MFC Hall of Experienced Recruits Who Never Played A Game. Not much of a tourist attraction that one, but we wish them well, and appreciate any contributions to the all-important MFC cause.

IN: Windsor
OUT: L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Heath, Laurie
UNLUCKY: Kentfield, McDonald, Moniz-Wakefield

If this game was being played at the MCG I'd be semi-confident (almost the highest level I can get), but we can win at their place. There are some major Gather Round-level disappointments in our future (including the obligatory coming back to earth with a thud on Not Steven King's Birthday), but may they take a bit longer to turn up. Dees to either win, lose, or draw.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
As Dr. Seuss would put it, Fritsch on the run was fun, but grading on the probability of the player involved kicking it, and general degree of difficulty (call it something like expected score), it must be the Petty snap. It's up there with the best of the season, but Pickett vs Carlton is still your overall leader.

Final thoughts
I've got no idea where this season ends up, and whether we'll end up in the real finals, fake finals, or no finals at all. But at the point of equalling our win total from last year by Round 10, let's have another moment for the DEAD SET FUCKHEADS who buried us for trading Petracca and Oliver before Round 1. It seems to be working out for everyone at this point. Perhaps we'd have still seen the birth of the Tom Sparrow midfield experience, but not to the same degree. And how good is life without off-field drama? Involving players anyway.  

The smaller the cult, the purer the devotion

If you ranked all 207 home and away games this season on excitement, hype, and anticipation, this was surely one of the seven. Some matches have it all, and some matches have:

• A lightly supported Victorian team
• Playing a home game at somebody else's stadium
• At 1pm on Mother's Day
• Against interstate opposition that hasn't fired a shot in years
• With theoretically no doubt about the result
• In front of fewer people than an ISIS Bride return

Other than obligatory interest from rusted-on nuffies, the only public attractions were our ever-present threat of having a slapstick crash against rotten opposition, and the opportunity for basic people to do "Maybe they'll sack the coach again after this LOL ROFL" comedy if we won by heaps. Which we didn't, so it's back to the traditional skiing and cheese gags for another week.

I quite enjoyed our empty stadium match against the Eagles last year, and not just as a palate cleanser after the dead-set abortion of a finish a week earlier. Sadly, this year there was no "we happy few" speeches and grumbling about having to sit close to people in a 3/4 empty stadium. It was the first time since Footscray '19 that I've been so close to a Docklands game without being inside. To say I was close enough to hear the roar of the crowd implies either of those things existed. It's better for everyone this way. Last time I rearranged my life to attend all Victorian games, we were pox for the next decade.

Because my nerves are entirely shot, I spent the build-up emotionally preparing for the worst. The other side had recently lost twice by 100+, scored under 45 as many times, and were just beaten by Richmond. God only knows who half their players were, and if Milan Murdock was an alias because they didn't have the rights to his real name, but I was on red alert for either an anonymous rookie or space-filling journeyman to have a day out. Or one of their many years' worth of top draft picks. Basically anyone. 

On our side, you had defensive mastermind Daniel Turner out of the selected side with illness, replaced by a returning Andy Moniz-Wakefield. Which was great news for Australia's Most-Wanted, but left me expecting to be plundered by some rookie tall forward who was leaving Western Australia for the first time in his life. In a world where Malcolm Rosas kicked 7.0 against us, then became Mr. Can't play Melbourne every week by ending his fortnight on 7.0, no option was off the table.

West Coast also has Bailey J. Williams, who brings up memories of Billy J. Smith treating whatever stupidity he was calling on It's A Knockout like the Olympic 100m sprint. It was the perfect opportunity for footy equivalent Dwayne Russell to get an early start, then head home for his post-match treadmill review session. I thought he'd invoke the spirit of 90s supermodels not getting out of bed for less than $10,000 and hold out for a more consequential game, but his first words on introduction were "Absolutely can't wait for this". No idea how the stadium wasn't evacuated after his pants caught fire.

Even if he couldn't say it, maybe he was hoping we'd kill off rubbish opposition from the first bounce for once, and he'd get to feast on the entrails. Sadly, that's not our style. In Goodfellas, they didn't wait for [Spoiler] to have a cup of tea before whacking him, it was straight through the door and one in the head. At Docklands, Jake Bowey was welcomed back by hospital handball in the middle of the ground, Pickett (K) ran into somebody's head, and the Eagles opened with a seven point play. Clickbait media speculation aside, it will be ultimate 'game's gone' stuff if he goes down for a light brush against the scone of a player who bounced back up and had six scoring shots.

After a series of comedy turnovers, and Pickett (L) having history's most hilariously unnecessary bounce in the forward pocket, it was enter Langford to say "lead, follow, or get out of the way" and respond via a quality contested mark/set shot combo. Hooray for all our recent top draftees, but he's the main event. Didn't do that much for the rest of the game, but is still ace.

I suggest the Eagles saw Sydney surgically handballing their way through us last week and decided to try the same thing. They missed the bit where you're supposed to eventually kick to a free player inside 50 at the end, handballing all the way to the forward pocket, before missing the last free man. This facilitated coast-to-coast action, kicked off by The Bounce King having another two when not strictly required. 

Despite my nervousness, it seemed as if we'd eventually wreck their spirit the longer the game went. Turns out the first quarter was as good as it got. If the AFL declared an emergency fifth quarter for spectacle purposes, we may have lost. But it's all about premiership points, and even if we'd won by 200 the percentage gains would probably be wiped out later by some idiots having an unexpected draw. 

What element of party there was, began with Cross getting justice at the ground where his namesake finished a storied AFL career half unconscious in front of 9000 people. His set shot glided home in the style of a plane landing without fuel. Cross then got another via a tremendous tackle on a player who tried his best to make it slip below the knees. The vice-like grip was so severe Cross wasn't even dislodged from his torso. Then one of the experienced players who's supposed to be propping their team up had a sook and gave away 50. This begat JVR's second straight from the middle, so maybe it was a touch premature to say "Here we go" after conceding first.

One more goal and the quarter time margin would've left the Eagles needing to pull off a perverse comeback. Little did we know then, but the best bit of the game was over. Both teams had half-chances before quarter time, but there were no more goals. Last year, the West Coast bench called for Stone Cold Steve Austin, this time, they held up what looked like a cutscene from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I'm usually gimmick-friendly, but does any of this random sign nonsense help players, or do they have to spend the week studying code books to know whether a portrait of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is an instruction to shoot or not?

In the ranking of five goal first quarters, this beat conceding just as many last week. We were obviously the better side, but the less opportunity for the opposition to regain their joy of life, the better. The only excitement was the revelation that an Eagles player had done a "Scat test" during the break. Hope he washed his hands after. A close second was Jiath trying to get extra distance on a set shot and kicking it OOF so comically that it made him limp.

West Coast had plenty of inside 50s, but delivered them like drunk drivers trying to parallel park buses. Finally, we got to attack quickly and found the opposition spread thin for Steele and Gawn to raffle the goal in a way that you could easily see going horribly wrong. Then, a fast break from the middle ended in van Rooyen bouncing through an uncharacteristic snap that even he looked shocked about. 

It was on the verge of blowing out again, and Andrew McQualter obviously thought, "why didn't they play like this when I was there?" and stuck a player behind the ball, seemingly trying to protect a six goal deficit until half time. NFI what the point of that is for a developing side other than shielding your players from suffering another violent battering. Worked out alright for him, so what do I know. It briefly looked like backfiring, when first we stuffed up a chance because there were too many available options in attack, then all the hard work to sludge the game up went (temporarily) up in smoke when they gave away a goal from a 50. 

It turned out to be grand strategy, because they got an immediate reply, missed another shot from the subsequent centre clearance, then took advantage of us completely buggering up efforts to waste the last 30 seconds, so in the end the goal was worth -7 points. And there was nearly more, with the ball down their end at the siren.

If you'd offered me winning the second half by a point I'd probably have taken it, just to remove any discussion about potentially blowing a five goal lead. The late goals still wasted a quarter after we briefly looked like unleashing violence on the underprivileged. And conceding the first after half time wasn't much fun either. But in came van Rooyen, after Chandler suckered an opponent into doing a flying leap into thin air, then Sharp and Jefferson to restore the margin after the cursed 50. 

After holding up the game five minutes into the first quarter to decide whether a ball was propelled over the boundary line via legal disposal or not, there was an even more farcical review here. The Eagles cleared a ball off their own line, got a free in the forward pocket, then had to wait and see if the umpire was correct that it hadn't been a point in the first place. If the free wasn't paid, when were they going to stop play and review it? And if it was a point, the free would've been void, and we'd have been kicking in instead of them having a shot on goal.

Petty held Waterman well in the first half, but this was the first leg of a quick triple-header crime wave against him. Chandler let slip in the post-match interview that Petty had trained as a forward all week and was only defending because Turner dropped out. Which was weird. Anyway, the post-review shot missed, then Waterman charitably set up two opportunities for teammates who had previously kicked about 10 goals in 400 games combined.

The second guy converted, but it was worth nada due to being sandwiched between two of our goals. First, AMW doubled down on his surprise appearance with a first career major, before Chandler spelunked through traffic in a way that will make me confiscate children's pocket money if that's what it takes to fund his new contract. 

Kade, look how happy you were after Moniz-Wakefield's goal. Where else would you rather be? My advice is not to answer any phone calls from Alex Neal-Bullen until signing a new contract.

This set up a half chance that we'd belt away to a massive victory in the last quarter. Or, if you prefer, there's the alternative plan of letting them kick two goals and missing another because of a rotten set shot. The margin would still have been nearly five goals, but with plenty of time to go I'd have been getting flashbacks to you-know-what. 

Life wasn't meant to be easy, but unlike a certain dark July afternoon, a settler made sure there was no hint of allowing the chasers to get on a run. I know the opposition have been pus for years, but van Rooyen's fifth still prompts the question, "is that normal Rooing you're doing?" He's been up and down like the proverbial this year, but I'm happy he got to fill his boots in Mihocek's absence. There was a shot at a sixth, but by then I think even he'd had enough. It either just snuck in for a point or went out on the full. Can't remember, because by then I was only interested in getting to the siren without any further injuries. On a related note - during the week, I'll be hosting a telethon to wipe out the scourge of 'left big toe'.

Is this the most precise injury report of all time? pic.twitter.com/MwGPUSfJhu

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) May 10, 2026

From there, we went into extended training drill mode and looked to the future by doing defensive shit instead of trying to play like the Harlem Globetrotters. That worked until Billy J. Smith played his joker and goalled after a big contested mark. Then it was time for full, landfill-grade junk time. The only remaining highlight was Gawn being ROBBED BLIND out of a mark at the end. I want an umpire to make that decision late in a close, important game to see if people come over the fence. Ask me when we lose in similar circumstances, but I'd still rather cop the odd bad guess from umpires than waste time with endless video reviews.

It didn't make a difference, but thumbs up to captain and coach for still taking things seriously this late in the day.  

pic.twitter.com/AFiUUtmKMP

— Emlyn Breese (@EmlynBreese) May 10, 2026

It reminded me of the Holy 17 winning streak's last gasp. A comfortable but uninspiring win, at Docklands, in May, against opposition prone to conceding big scores. This time West Coast played the role of North, there was no election on, and I didn't have COVID. Otherwise, practically the same. Which means we should get about five goals up next week before dying in the arse and having teammates punch on at a fancy French restaurant. 

Our total score was less than West Coast's losing margin against St Kilda, but never mind. Perhaps my theory that we'd be competitive against good sides, and wreck the league's flotsam/jetsam was complete shite. Wouldn't be the first time. We've proven good enough to beat top teams, but may still lack the killer instinct required to violently dismember strugglers. If we'd beaten Essendon, I might have been disappointed at not going on with this, but after that slopfest I'm just happy to avoid potential hazards and win games. 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Ed Langdon
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Kade Chandler
2 - Jake Bowey
1 - Jack Steele

Apologies to Cross, Gawn, Heath, Lever, Petty (first half), Sparrow

Leaderboard
Little movement at the top, on the rare occasion that neither of the leaders scored a vote. Steele gets within two BOG of the lead, Bowey launches his Seecamp campaign, all other business as per last week.

25 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
15 - Jack Steele
12 - Tom Sparrow
10 - Ed Langdon
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Harvey Langford
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
A slightly more difficult task, with Hawthorn in the weird Saturday twilight slot. Technically, I should be able to go to this, but Demonblog Jr. Jr's birthday is the next day so fat fucking chance I'll get to leave the house. On paper, we should lose, but they did just draw with a bog average Collingwood and die en masse in the final minutes against Freo, so you never know. I've just come back to finish this bit of the post and found the unfinished sentence "It would be good", but have no idea where that thought was going. Choose your own answer from "if we gave them a scare", "to take another big scalp", or "not to let Jack Gunston turn the clock back to his glory days again".

In an attempt to provide sensible team selection suggestions, I tuned into the Casey game when they were 15-14 in front, only for Carlton B to score 143 of the next 163 points. All I took from it was a) Trent Rivers is still alive but has done something to his previously lovely hair resembling that time Britney Spears went bonkers, b) Kentfield kicked 2.4 of the 3.17, and c) Casey had somebody called 'Tahj De La Rue', which is one of the fanciest names you'll ever see, with bonus style points for aristocratically splitting the surname into three parts.

Whether or not there's a spot for Kentfield in our forward line now that Gawn is resting down there, I don't care. It's disappointing he's not still wearing the sinister mask even when not required, but time to give him a go. I'll also have Rivers just because. Jefferson hasn't been bad, but he just had two kicks in a game against West Coast so let's give somebody else a go. See also Laurie, who was ok other than one absolutely piss-streaked forward entry straight to a defender, but has had his turn. Still not convinced by Jiath, but everyone should get the chance to have a crack against their old side. And we all love Latrelle but he must be due for a rotation soon.

IN: Kentfield, Rivers, Turner
OUT: Jefferson, Laurie, Moniz-Wakefield (omit)
LUCKY: Jiath, L. Pickett
UNLUCKY: McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Top 'mon of the week is Moniz-Wakefield, joining diverse contenders like Pickett (L) and Marty Hore in being nominated for his first goal.

Final thoughts
Take the points. Revive Disco. Be happy that we avoided looking like buffoons again. Move on.

The Entertainers come unstuck

If you're going to get a surprise farewell present from your employer, Simon Goodwin's million dollar payout sure beats the usual trifecta of flowers, card, and awkward morning tea. Even better when the money funds a mid-career break, hanging out on the boundary line of the top team in the competition. In our first meeting with the only living MFC premiership coach, I'm sure Goodwin was more interested in getting a win with his new side than what his exes are up to, but must have been absolutely baffled to see us score 114 points and lose. That used to be good for a six goal win in his glory days. More familiar elements of our performance would've been mad panic bombing to a crowded forward line, a key defender thrashing Charlie Curnow before ending up on the losing side, and some random Kingsley kandidate running riot in a performance he'll never go close to repeating.

Ask me next Sunday how I feel about this result. I'm pleased at the way we ran it out just when it looked like the Swans were going to pile on 15 goals to nil, but the last time we had a game against a NSW side where you had to wait a week to play at Docklands and find out if the form was real, North beat us by 10 goals. So, if we do as expected against a team that's been losing games by a hundred points for fun, I'll admit this was a hard-fought, honourable defeat. If not, it won't matter because I'll be floating face down in Docklands Harbour.

There was a lot to like about this performance, especially after losing the great forward line straightener-upperer to injury early in the first quarter. But then there's also conceding 19.17 to a wide variety of players, many who were at the end of a production line of free men strung from one end of the ground to the other. But no need to be excessively sour, Sydney has achieved Geelong-style unflushable nugget status and bounced back from a down season to be good again. Bring back the shabby 2025 edition we beat so easily that Mrs. Petracca swore on TV (before they still won five more games). 

Adjusted for quality of opposition, that was Goodwin's last really good win as coach. Maybe his learnings and connection dossier came in handy for the Swans here? I'd like to think he was a bit downhearted at how many points we were conceding, but I blame the speed the ball went down there at, and all the uncontested possessions along the way. When we slowed them down enough to force contests the backmen were fine - and in the case of Turner, extremely good - but when we turned the ball over they were left trying to guard so many free players we should've called for a head count. 

In a week of trying to invoke the Spirit of '21 with an early season off-field purge, it was back to the recently much-loved 3.15 Sunday slot. Different CG, different result, but as if any of us expected to be involved in a top four clash at this (or any) point of the season. Now that I've got a taste for winning, I didn't like the alternative but appreciated fighting it out until the end.

For all the shit Kayo gets for being expensive and unreliable, I appreciated watching this game with one of the all time most sensible commentary teams. Ok, they called Fritsch "Fritz" all day, but otherwise until Jason Bennett's calling career is revived, I'll have Matt Hill and Corbin Middlemas every week. Often, you get one sensible commentator and one person who gives you the shits, but this was sensible people treating a decent game with the respect it deserved, while not trying to pretend it was an all-time classic. More of this combination please. I don't know how long Fox will keep doing its own broadcast, but going back to the likes of BT after this would be torture.   

Not that you'd ever know from the outside, but the ex-coach must've been having kittens at a five goal apiece first quarter. It was all very exciting stuff, with players bombing out of the middle like express trains, fast ball movement, and van Rooyen kicking an absolute belter of a snap from the pocket for our opening goal. Unfortunately, he went on to set what must be the all-time AFL record for the highest ratio of a player getting their hands to the ball without taking marks. We know he can do it, but is it time to start casting nervous sideways glances and wondering if he's ever going to be anything more than a handy forward? This became particularly relevant when Mihocek's hammy went early, leaving a JVR/Jeffo forward combination that I'm not sure van Rooyen was ready to be the senior partner in.

The injury meant Gawn spent a lot of time forward, which was a great opportunity for Max Heath to plant the flag as a solid prospect for the future. Replacing Max will be like when Matthew Knights had to follow Kevin Sheedy and all the Essendon fans were like: "Well, why aren't you winning premierships like he did?" about 10 minutes later, but he was really good here. Solid presence in the middle (and even when there was a communication error and he did a fancy backwards tap while everyone else was running forward, the tap was a thing of beauty) and very good around the ground. 

I'm glad we're able to give him solid development time, but in a case of 'be careful what you wish for', it means not playing Maximum to his full advantage when he's got plenty more to give. Not to mention that he's far more likely to suffer some horrendous injury after a tangle of limbs inside 50. I don't give a rat's if he gets another All-Australian because it won't be required to confirm his Hall of Fame status, but I'm torn between preparing for the post-Gawn era and wanting to see him hunting around the ground pulling down contested marks everywhere he goes. Reasonable problem to have, but for the love of all that is holy, on the tragic day when Max pulls up stumps, can the second ruckman be somebody who is primarily a forward but can ruck as well? 

Gawn did kick two goals, which was probably taken in some circles as justification that the plan to play him alongside Grundy could've worked. But while I appreciate Brodie's brief stay with us, and how he didn't chuck a plate of fingerfood when overlooked in a final for Schache to be an unused sub, imagine all the Max gold we'd have missed over the last couple of years if he'd spent much more time forward? Maybe he'd have given us a lifelong memory by kicking 9.14 one day, but trying to fit them both into one team was an odd idea. It's like signing the world's best goalkeepers and playing one of them as a striker for half the game. 

It was an odd but enthralling (for neutrals anyway) first quarter. At one point, Windsor cancelled their goal that cancelled our goal by flying out of the centre like a greyhound let loose from a trap, only for Sydney to cancel the cancellation of the cancellation. They looked far more likely to score when they got the ball, but so did Gold Coast a few weeks ago and look what we did to them? When Sharp got two in a minute (cue NBA Jam "he's heating up" sound effect), we were 14 points up, but it didn't feel sustainable. Enter, not for the last time, Malcolm Rosas Jr, who had four goals before the second quarter was 50% complete, and five by half-time. 

Unless Turnbull did something to us (NBN failure preventing last minute trade?), there's no way we've been done over this badly by somebody called Malcolm since Blight. And even his best was only eight, so this had disaster written all over it. He's only the second Malcolm ever to kick seven in a game, which is no surprise considering the name has been extinct for the last 40 years. I look forward to conceding bags of goals to Keith, Glenn, and Edmund before the end of the season. 

After overcoming Mihocek's absence to kick five in the opening quarter, we were back to 2022-2025 style inside 50 stodge. Finally, a long kick landed with Jefferson on the line and he narrowly avoided blooper reel celebrity status by remembering to take a step back before playing on and kicking the goal. I didn't love the rest of his game, but if we're going to be down a key forward for the next few weeks it's an opportunity for development on the go. Same with Laurie, who was better after half time than he has been so far this season, and Pickett (L), who is doing well for somebody barely out of the SANFL Reserves but needs about 40 more games before we work out how high his ceiling is.

We weren't helped by the Swans kicking set shots from every angle, but stiff shit if the opposition does that. Try to stop them from having the shots in the first place. Meanwhile all our forward entries were to a giant clump, followed by the ball usually going the other way at lightning speed. The phrase 'team defence' sounds like the worst footy cliche ever invented, but christ on a bike we could have done some of that here. I exclude Tom Sparrow from those comments, because he was excellent, and had 42 pressure acts. What is a pressure act? Who knows. Is it better than a one percenter? I think so. As far as I can tell the all-time record is somewhere around 50 so he was up there. I don't know if Jack Viney is coming back this year (if not, and if Campbell retires, we could be doing some zany mid-season drafting), but Sparrow has benefited hugely from Bradburying through our traded/injured midfield. 

We were hanging on by fingertips in the third quarter. Laurie kicked a nice one off the outside of his boot, which nearly set up another full-pelt Windsor goal out of the middle to keep us within range, but by now I was down to a "let's just not get thrashed" mindset. Then yer man Sparrow got one (NB: 'yer man' = good, 'your mate' = bad), Gawn followed, and we'd only lost the quarter by three points. Which was a lot better than it looked to the naked eye. 

Being an absolute poltroon, I had no expectation of launching a comeback. But for once we're interesting, and contributed to a 13 goal last quarter that made Sydney work for it. They started 23 points in front, and I'd have said no way we were going to get within 40 the way things were going but entertainment was provided right up to 6pm. Pickett (K) kicking a goal 20 seconds in made it worthwhile for neutrals to keep watching, but it looked like the big tonk was on again when left-of-your-screen specialist Rosas turned up for number six. But, even though everyone would have understood winding down at this point, we kept having a crack. Maybe Heath was injured/dead from all his efforts earlier in the game, but NFI why he spent the last 31 minutes on the bench. I'm all for Gawn taking over when required, but it had been working alright earlier in the game so I defer to the industry experts on this one.

Pickett (L) also got a goal, but not that you knew instantly, thanks to this game having the director who thinks he's Martin Scorsese and does a lot of unnecessary close-ups. He ran into the open goal and kicked over the lower third of the posts, leaving the poor bastards calling from a studio - and probably not even the same studio - waiting to find out what had happened. Channel 7 can waffle on about sending commentators to the ground, but I've come to terms with the Fox studio call, as long as they've got the vision to work off. This was quickly followed by Rosas getting #7, and if he doesn't send a thank you card to the MCG/AAMI Park/Casey Fields/Caulfield/Waverley/wherever we're based this week he's ungrateful. 

Now we were free to do whatever crazy shit we liked because the game was presumed lost. Like the old 'handoff to a defender for the long bomb' move that traditionally works about 7% of the time. This time, Turner channelled his anger about beating one of the league's best forwards and still losing into one of the most violent exhibitions of footy abuse you'll ever see. That didn't make it interesting yet, but van Rooyen's recovery from a dropped mark to snap cut the margin to three goals with time left, and stranger things have happened. 

When the TV showed Sydney only had three interchanges left with a few minutes to go, I hoped that might become relevant. Bit desperate, but that's how my deranged mind works. And it nearly did, because the remaining Sydney players looked like they'd just finished the Paris to Dakar on pushbike. Under the same circumstances, I could easily see a dud team collapsing in the last few minutes. And as Langford kicked one to make the margin two goals, maybe a good team was going to die in the arse as well? 

Sadly, they were not, but when we went straight back inside 50, I was open to pulling off the second draw of the weekend. As the comeback team we'd have had the all-important moral high ground of the shared points. Doesn't get you anything extra, but at least you end the game feeling like you've snatched two points instead of throwing them away. And extra time can GAGF.

If this was SwansBlog (and I think there was one at the same time I started in 2005. Well done to them for finding something better to do), I'd be talking about nearly losing my lunch when a rushed behind made the margin 11 points. Also, the post headline would be a 'Rose' related gag not already claimed by the papers. That was as close as we got. There was a moment where the ball was going towards van Rooyen and I thought he was about to pull off the "even if it's not your day it can be your moment" cliche, but no mark was forthcoming, we gave away a free, and the moment was lost. Somebody called 'Cootee' whose name would've been piss funny for primary school kids 30 years ago tried to keep us in it with some shite defending, but we couldn't take advantage. The way this game went, we were more likely to score from the ball getting to the middle of the ground then rebounding back to goal then plucking one from our fundament inside 50. 

And once they cleared the ball, that was it. We made sure of the result by giving away a 50 and certain goal at the other end. The free that started it was dubious, but Howes merrily played on - either not hearing the whistle or not believing it was a free in the first place, and they were off to the square to make absolutely certain of it. For unnecessary 50s that ended games we weren't going to win anyway, it couldn't beat Lever's odd twirling around in that Brisbane final. Don't suppose hearing the umpire's whistle was as much of an issue during the pre-season 'two minute drill' simulations played in front of 278 people.  

So, we lost. Which is not ideal, but the performance is enough to realise that a) as much as it will hurt to farewell the greatest player of this/possibly any generation, there's life after Gawn, and b) we could be quite good quite quickly if the defence around the ground is tightened up. Now that the real deal finals are down to six teams, I can't see us finishing that high on the ladder but there's a growing feeling that we're just the sort of team the Wildcard Wankfest was invented for. I'd love to be more dismissive of this, but finishing 10th or better would actually be quite good for the future, if we can turn the publicity into a lure for experienced free agents and trade targets to join the cause and address needs. 

Now, come back next week when I'll be doing a u-turn, moaning about us having missed the boat and suggesting we'll be relocated to Joondalup after Tasmania come in.   

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom Sparrow
4 - Daniel Turner
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Harry Sharp

Apologies to Heath, Howes, Sharp and Tholstrup.

Leaderboard
More votes for the top two, but Sparrow has burst into double figures and staked a claim for the outrageous comeback victory. And I was almost going to activate the Rising Star, before Heath missed the whole last quarter. 

25 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
14 - Jack Steele
12 - Tom Sparrow
7 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
The lowest key fixture on our calendar strikes again, as it's off to Docklands to play misery era West Coast. Last year, we turned up for this game after a major disaster, pissed it in, then sacked the coach. I'm not calling anything in advance, but there's only one of those elements which has a chance of coming true. Mind you, we're in administrative assassination season so SKing might just have to look at somebody the wrong way to be handed a massive payout and sent on his way.

If there's any downside to Moosemania, it's that they might decide to stick with extended stints of Forward Gawn, thus negating the need to give the people what they want and debut Ken T. Field. After our difficulties in kicking to a forward's advantage in this game, I remind you that Ken's lone contribution to the pre-season, before being felled by a bionic elbow smash to the scone, was a great lead and mark straight up the middle of the forward 50. He should've debuted at the end of last year, and we've missed the chance to make the S&M mask famous but surely it's now Kent O'Clock.

After Bowey had to waste an extra week in the world's most pointless reserves competition I must have him back next week, and even if they're not a straight swap, it can be at the expense of Jiath, who I've been entirely uninspired by so far.

All I'm going to say about the potential result is that we should win by some margin 1+. The more the merrier, but I won't be surprised if King Harley Race and all their other top draftees decide to have a proper crack out of shame after losing to Richmond. If you accept we should start favourites and win, any chance of stomping on the Eagles in the first quarter instead of leaving the door open for a prospective shambles?

IN: Bowey, Kentfield
OUT: Mihocek (inj), Jiath (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, L. Pickett
UNLUCKY: Moniz-Wakefield, Taylor

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Laurie off the outside of the boot, and anything involving the Pickett family, but even if he did stuff all for the next two and a half quarters, you had to appreciate van Rooyen's snap in the first quarter. Pickett (Kysaiah) vs Carlton (Krap) still leads overall.

CE-No

Farewell then, Paul Guerra, we hardly knew ye. I have nothing sensible to add to the coverage of his surprise dismissal, but never got the chance to do a tenuous reference to him looking a bit like Gary Fogel before, and never will again.

When the news of Guerra's demise came in, it showed just how well I'd go in a totalitarian dictatorship. I thought "Oh well, they have their reasons I suppose", just like you would if the Stasi arrested your neighbours. Then, in a story featuring juicy leaks from gee I wonder where, it was suggested the CEO fell victim to the Caulfield pro-tunnel lobby, and now that we had something in common, I decided to believe he was hard done by. Some later 'golly, I wonder who let that out' reports pointed to hard feelings over the invitation list for a lunch, which, if true, could be the most farcical scenario involving our administration since someone found unpaid tax bills in the desk drawer.

I wonder if there was anything to him being turfed a year to the day after being hired? What chance we had a one year get out clause, botched the timing by not doing the axing a day earlier, and Guerra will end up alongside Brayshaw, Goodwin and Oliver in the MFC contract payout lounge. What he really needs is a lawyer with footy club experience.

The good news is that our rigorous search for a replacement stretched all the way to... the same building. His name is Dan, he currently works for Stan, and if he's got any commitment to gimmicks he'll release a five-year plan. But not yet, because he doesn't start until the end of the year - because that sort of arrangement obviously worked a treat for us last time. 

That's 2x interim CEOs and one interim President in the last two years, so lucky things are going relatively well on field, or we'd look like a bunch of tits. Apparently he was lined up two weeks earlier, which must've led to a lot of polite nodding and side-eyeing each other whenever Guerra was talking during that time.

Forget the Caulfield pipedream, the first challenge of the new boss will be to try and go a year without paying out somebody's contract. Save your cash for the tunnel fund.

Final thoughts
I still prefer this season to last, but I sense a shithouse end to it once injuries and fatigue kick in, so for god's sake please win the games you're supposed to now and let's hope these concerns are just me being a nervous viewer as usual.