Today was always going to be a big fat, giant rolling boulder from Indiana Jones style, danger game on our road to The Impossible Dream. We were lucky to hold on to beat the rancid Lions last week, and the Tigers were coming off their 6th win of the year just a few weeks after it looked like they were going to win none and be relegated to Auskick. Not only were they enjoying what constitutes a winning streak for them (though who are we to talk?) but our record against teams we should beat has been wonky this year. Anyone remember the West Coast debacle? I’m trying not to. It’s almost scandalous to think that game could end up being the difference between us making the finals or not, because when the siren went that day it seemed to me that we were about to be pitched into a neck-and-neck backwards race for the spoon with the Eagles and Richmond, and with no motivation to put the tank in fifth gear and go for it this time. Since then Brisbane have imploded in spectacular fashion to put themselves into the trashcan of history and the other two have both had players who kicked ten or more goals in a match yet still manage to remain the bottom two sides. We, on the other hand, have had no player kick more than five and are knocking down the door of a miracle appearance in September. The world is an amazing place.
Suddenly a match that looked pre-season, and let’s be frank even mid-season, like it would be an end of year training drill played with all the intensity of the Lingerie Football League (no really, it’s even on Foxtel and is just as bad as you’d expect) was suddenly being described by some slightly unhinged commentators as the preview for a future blockbuster between two of the next big things of AFL football. Lovely sentiment, but are there two teams that you can almost certainly rely on more to snatch shambles from the jaws of a glory era than us and Richmond? No offence to the Tiges and their Zigfield Follies inspired theme song but I’m happy to leave them behind as long as we get the glory that’s been promised. Still a long way off that sports fans.
Now, I don’t want to suggest that Richmond fans are starved for success but the reaction from them when ‘their’ kids beat ‘our’ kids in the pre-match tug of war was like the Second World War had just been won again. I hate myself for even taking an interest (well, it was for charity) but it should be pointed out that ‘our’ kiddies had the worst set up in tug ‘o war history (and lest we forget it did used to be an Olympic sport) so it was no wonder they got beaten. There was about five metres of empty rope at the back that nobody was on. Ever heard of an anchor man? It was either shambolic or an inside nod to the 2009 tanking debacle. Inappropriate comment of the day went to the guy next to me who said “and that’s why you’re orphans” when they lost. He was later beaten with the karma stick when a bunch of kids showed up and he had to move seats.
Further pre-match ‘entertainment’ was provided by the MCG with their baffling choice of music. There were the usual staples, that Dropkick Murphy’s shit from the AFL ad and the Coldplay song that they’ve been flogging the life out of for the past two years, but interspersed throughout were a bunch of good time classic hits straight from the Magic 1278 playlist. Who thought footy fans were ready and waiting for a revival of the original Needles ‘n Pins? Thought we were half a chance of hearing Crimson And Clover, which let’s be frank is a cracker, but just as Tommy James and the Shondells fans started to fire up they busted out Coldplay again. Rumour is that Chris Martin has bought Uganda from the royalties he’s received from the MCG for playing that 97 times at every match. If the MCG are reading I’ll put my hand up to make some CD’s for them if they want, and the tracks will bring the freaking house down too.
Speaking of pre-match debacles did anyone else notice what an utter farce the “Injury Report” was? Apparently The Stefan Martin Experience is “back in training” (last week the club acknowledged that he’s been shelved for the season) and Juice Newton, seen yesterday playing a B-Grade version of Brad Green style end-to-end total football in the VFL, is “one week away from returning”. Worksafe should ask for their money back for sponsoring that crap. Also of note was Relton Roberts of Richmond being on the list with a season ending ‘injury’ labelled as ‘personal’. Makes it sound as if he’s got some sort of serious issue with his cruets.
Apparently there was some sort of game on too, and bloody hell didn’t it look a bit dicey early on? Lucky for us that Richmond were incompetent when they went inside 50 because all they did for the first five minutes was get it in there. For obvious reasons we were double/triple teaming their only decent forward, but elsewhere Nason, taking time out from posting on the Support Australian Hip Hop internet forum and graffiting trains (ok, maybe not the second one but he looks like he should be) was looking far too lively for my liking. Amusingly for all their dominance they only managed two points and the first time we went inside 50 The Jurrahcane kicked the first. Just the sort of winning scenario that we’re usually on the end of – at least on the days when we’re not conceding the first goal within the first 15 seconds. Absolute slop of a game early on, allowing me to psychologically adjust to the prospect of losing by convincing myself that we didn’t deserve to be anywhere near the finals anyway. It was all set up for the sporting equivalent of having something taken away from you as a kid and screaming “I didn’t want it anyway!” To be honest on the strength of the first half alone we don’t deserve it, and the second half was hardly an advertisement for a quality run through September, but like a drowning man thrown a penis shaped life preserver I’ll take whatever I can get at the moment.
Number one moment of the first term was undoubtedly Riewoldt trying to kick one of these now standard along the ground goals and totally stuffing it up. Serves him right, unless you’re kicking from Row Z and have no other option – e.g Bennell against Footscray – just kick the bloody thing through properly. An open goal is not something to be taken lightly. Glad he botched it but I know that one of our players is going to do the same at some point so let’s cut it out now. Somebody start a Facebook pressure group a’la Hey Hey It’s Saturday so the Herald Sun will report on it.
Second quarter didn't answer any questions. Richmond snuck in front by a couple of goals, aided by some idiot taking an epic dive against Rivers right in front of goal, but they were never comfortable with the lead. Much like last week it's a good thing that we were playing a side shitter than us because anybody half decent would have put us away. Jamar was killing it at the bounces but we were getting bugger all out of the middle so thank god for their one dimensional forward line not working. It took Dirty Mo Dunn's double strike within a minute to turn the tide. Johnson's abysmal attempt at a snap would have nearly put us far enough in front to start getting comfortable, but straight after that they went up the other end and kicked a goal themselves to make it interesting. Took TGFB Green to goal on the siren to get us back in front, but it still didn't look comfortable. Rubbish game to that point as well, you'd have switched the channel if you were a neutral. Everyone who has come and told me what a great game it was today must have either switched on for the second half or accidentally slipped on the red/blue tinted glasses.
Luckily for the sake of neutrals (and don’t you hate those guys?) the intensity level was cranked up to a ludicrous level in the second half. Suddenly it was all about ten man stacks-on and guys tackling like rabid animals. The pressure didn’t hurt, but more than anything else Richmond lost because they had bugger all forwards other than Riewoldt. The most telling moment was after Jack’s fruitless first half Hardwick was forced to send Will Thursfield inside 50. Thursfield has played 66 games and kicked zero goals. He has still kicked zero goals tonight despite having two shots early in the quarter. That’s just the sort of bullshit scenario that we usually fall victim to - witness Brett bloody Thornton almost doubling his career total against us earlier in the year - but luckily for us both his shots had a Jamie Shanahan-esque touch about them and he never went near it again.
At the other end The Jurrahcane was suffering from the yips and missed two absolutely gettable kicks on either side of a Jones goal. Am I the only one who is concerned that his technique for marking low to the ground is going to come back to haunt him someday? It's hard to explain without photographic evidence but it seems to me like instead of diving forward to take the mark he almost slides into it with his legs underneath him. All good if he's grabbing them, but every time he goes for one I'm waiting for him to come up with his ankle pointing in the opposite direction.
We'd just got our noses in front again when Cousins marked directly in front but sadly for once wasn’t seeing imaginary rats and dragons and managed to slot the goal instead of extracting his own eyeball with a spoon and microwaving it. No really Ben, get well soon because I don’t want to cop the same sort of hate mail as I did after the second best Nathan Brown snapped his leg and a certain idiot shamefully sung an offensive ditty about it on Level 3 of Telstra Dome while wearing a balaclava. Riewoldt finally got his first when everybody in the western world except the guys wearing red and blue knew he was going to run out and kick it from a better angle, but that was pretty much him done for the day. Looked like it was going to be under a goal at the last change before Dirty Dunn marked and just like last week kicked the big roost from outside 50. If you'd given me odds on him being the clutch goalkicker of the week twice in a row I'd have wanted 100-1 after the Freo debacle, now he's booting them from everywhere.
Still, I wasn't confident being just a goal in front at the last break, and when they took the margin from 7 to 0 within the first two minutes the old blood pressure started to creep up. Was nowhere near the season high score of the minute after the siren against Collingwood in R2 - if it was I'd be dead - but it was creeping upwards. Especially when the Morton goal which tied the scores came as a gift when for the second time yesterday the whole world knew he was going to run around but nobody stood there to stop him.
Thankfully for our collective mental and physical health it was all MFC from there. After playing a first half where he looked completely lost, Watts came into some form in the last. He stuffed up an easy bouncing ball which would have made Bradforth J Miller sit up in his loungeroom and think that he was an absolute cert to get a recall next week, but from then on he pretty much took the piss. Just a minute after the ball bouncing debacle he would up on the end of a Bail kick in the square, after Rohan – one of the best stories of our season - had performed some sort of sick Playstation-esque spin move on the Richmond defence (press triangle + square + R1 if you’re playing at home). More underrated was the way he waited on his kick to Dunn after a desperation torp from the kick-in landed in his arms. He just held it up long enough for the useless Tigers defenders to wander off and leave Ron Jeremy on his own in the square for the fifth goal. Equally underrated was the snap which clearly crossed the line but was paid a mark as part of “Goal Umpire Fuck Ups Week”.
It’s all about confidence. You could argue that Miller needs to be rewarded for his domination in the VFL, but unless The Golden Child is showing signs of fatigue then I can’t bring myself to swap them over. We know what we’re getting with Miller, and we know it’s far more likely to occur against a bunch of 17-year-olds and overpaid Rugby players than it is in an AFL match. No change required in this forward line for me, Watts has got to be thrown into what is effectively our biggest match since the ’06 finals and sink or swim let the cards fall where they may.
Bruce did a great job of tagging Shane Tuck to buggery (at least I think it was Shane Tuck. The longer the season goes the less I care about any opposition player), but any danger he might hit a target by foot at some point? He needs to go to the same short course on “how to dispose effectively when you can’t kick straight” which Jamar emerged from as the most powerful force on earth.
I loved the way how our fans suddenly developed a massive sense of arrogance in the last quarter when the game was well and truly won. Didn’t it warm your heart to hear every single Richmond shot on goal in junktime furiously booed? Even poor old Jack Riewoldt, who had done nothing (literally) all day was given the reception of a serial arsonist when he had the audacity to tie up his shoelaces. Then he missed the kick and the crowd went apeshit. Magic moments.
Underrated highlight was Dunn kicking the sealer by smashing one through from the goalsquare for his fifth then leaving Jurrah hanging on a high five so he could look up to see if the ball landed in the top deck or not. Sadly it fell just short. He got jibbed by the siren out of what may very well have been his sixth, but just to keep things light and interesting he whacked it through with a banana off one step anyway. Certainly went down well with those in the ground who were clearly hard of hearing and didn’t know the game was over. No way would he have kicked it like that had he had the opportunity to go back and take a real shot at goal, but the way he finished it effortlessly tells me he should do it more. He’s certainly had a good run of fluky bounces, wild snaps and grandstand finishes ever since the ridiculous facial hair that he originally sported in the pre-season came back onto the scene a couple of months ago. He has been unreal over the last month or so, for somebody who was on the skids bigtime halfway through the year he’s finally found a niche as a defensive forward who kicks goals as well, and he’s an option to do a tagging job if he absolutely must. I put it down to the mo. It scares children and must surely make him the only footy player less likely to bag a root at Motel than Steven Milne but it’s giving him supernatural powers and cannot under any circumstances be allowed to be shaved off before the end of the season. He who weareth the adult industry standard moustache, kicketh thy clutch goals. Put that on a t-shirt. Just to think, a year ago when the Tank Blitzkrieg was rolling its way towards the draft he was being turned over by Todd Goldstein to the tune of five goals in one of the worst (but deliberate) matchups ever recorded.
Stat My Bitch Up
Joel Macdonald also had a shot which he botched and he’s now the proud owner of the longest active playing streak in an MFC jersey without a single goal. This was his 15th match without one, passing Kyle Cheney who is marooned on 14. At least Macdonald has six career goals in Brisbane to reminisce about, all Cheney has is the honour of being the only person ever to get 5 votes from me on debut.
Both of them have got a long way to go to snatch the all-time record of 90 games held by Bernie Massey between 1960 and 1967. Shanahan (37) and Jamie Duursma (33) are the only players of the last 30 years to be in the top twenty so if Macdonald or Cheney manage to rack up those sorts of numbers I’ll be holding a street party to celebrate.
Crowd Watch
Spent the first half in the middle deck of the Ponsford bedazzled by the sheer amount of Richmond branded knitwear on offer (and not all of it homemade by the looks of it), and the Punt Road peanuts in front of us who got up and started dancing when the PA inexplicably fired up Love Is In The Air before the match. Come gametime and everything else was forgotten when the screeching tart behind me commenced screaming at everything Richmond related in a pitch only slightly inside the realm of what humans can understand. And when she wasn’t saying something like “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” she was lambasting the Tiges for kicking the ball too much. Unfortunately most of her wild anti-kicking sideways rants were delivered when they were doing perfectly legitimate switching of the play to free players. At one point the old bint nearly had a coronary but when the ball got over to the Olympic Stand side wing and found four Richmond players on their own she let out another orgasmic “EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Hypocrite. The idiot sitting with her almost had a fit laughing when he saw the “Eat ‘em Alive” banner in the cheersquad. Must have been the first game they’d ever been to given how that slogan has been getting a run since about 1978.
Unable to stand the headache inducing wailing any longer we moved up a level at half-time. Now, I’m talking to the MCG and whoever the idiots that make a fortune out of the catering contract at the ground here when I say how many people do we need to have at a game to get a food outlet open on that level? Is 45k not enough? Still, I suppose anything that saves me from wasting $4.90 on a soggy, pink hot dog of dubious meat quality can’t be argued against.
Crowd Watch supplement – Look away if you’re eating
Somebody who did get a feed was the kid sitting behind us. Unfortunately it appears that he ate something utterly toxic, because just after the start of the third quarter he was being ushered down to the stairs by his father when he unleashed one of the biggest spews in the history of the Western world. It went all down the railing, and by extension the wall of the walkway. “That’s unfortunate” I said, always the master of understatement, before turning around to realise that he’d ralphed all over the row behind us as well. And I mean all over. Not surprisingly a massive runner was done, though I’m not sure why we only went over to the other side of the walkway because the damage was well and truly still visible. A few minutes later a cleaner was called in by the security guards but he walked up there, took one look at refused to do anything about it. Bear in mind there was a footy match going on during all of this, but I couldn’t look away from the intense human drama. At one point it looked like he was going to call a union meeting and take all the cleaners out on strike. He disappeared for a few minutes before returning, obviously having been told that he was on some sort of Workchoices era AWA which meant he had to do whatever they told him for $7 an hour or get the arse and did a half-arsed job of mopping up the damage. He didn’t touch the damage to the wall though, and later on some annoying child in Corey Worthington issue sunglasses and fluffy jacket leant on it. I nearly rose to applaud.
On a similar topic it was like being in the middle of the World War I with all the seagulls during the fourth quarter. Every time I caught a gust of wind it made me think that I’d copped the bullet with my name on it that I’ve been avoiding since that infamous day when the bastards nailed me in 1993 and we won by twenty goals.
Coaches Corner
Admittedly I took the piss out of Bailey jumping on the bandwagon and coaching from the boundary line, but tell me you don’t love seeing him talking to the players when they come off. Might be something of a different look when we’re getting flogged and he’s sitting there with bigger eyes than Mark Harvey screaming at some poor 18-year-old like the Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, but for now I love it. He’s sworn once on TV this year, but wouldn’t it just make your year if Bails started doing FMJ style “what is your major malfunction?” outbursts, screaming in the face of Jack Trengove that “the days fingerbanging Miss Mary Jane Rottencrotch are over”, and threatening to rip Jamie Bennell’s head off and shit down his neck. Glorious.
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 – James Frawley
4 – Lynden Dunn
3 – Brad Green
2 – Aaron Davey
1 – Liam Jurrah
Apologies to Scully (VERY unlucky), Macdonald, Bruce, Bail, Jones, Jamar, Bartram, McDonald and McKenzie.
Leaderboard
The gap closes to one BOG. Something tells me that if we’re going to win next week it might take Chip picking up a shitload of votes to get us over the line. The question is what will happen at the other end. It’s almost certainly down to two after Jamar missed out this week.
38 - Brad Green
33 - James Frawley (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
27 - Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
24 - Colin Sylvia
23 - James McDonald
15 - Aaron Davey
14 - Matthew Bate
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney, Lynden Dunn
8 - Jordan Gysberts, Tom Scully, Jordie McKenzie
7 - Joel Macdonald
5 - Cameron Bruce, Ricky Petterd, Jamie Bennell
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller, Colin Garland
2 - Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Nathan Jones, Austin Wonaeamirri, Liam Jurrah
Fun With The Ladder Predictor
Is it an omen that the predictor is sponsored by Bailey Ladders? As much as I'd love to present all the scenarios here and try to rank them from “probable” to “tripping on acid” it’s enough of a piss-take to be writing most of this at work as is without having the AFL website up running riot with predictions/desperate attempts at convincing self of finals tilt. Maybe later in the week. Call my internet company and tell them to fire up and connect the bloody thing at home so I can do it there.
What I don’t want to hear again is how much this is like 1987. Clearly I was too young to be involved in that madness, but that was in an era when less than half the sides made the finals and games were being played at the same time. This time if the miracle occurs we’ll be falling in pretty much by default and will know exactly what the equation is at 4.39pm on the last day of the season. There’s no ears pressed to radios waiting to hear Geelong stuff if it up at Kardinia Park this time, and the major difference is that it’s only been four seasons since we played finals – then it had been 24 so that’s a tad more extreme of a situation than what we find ourselves in today. Still, tell me that on a Sunday night in late August when we’ve just booked ourselves the chance to be poked in the crack by Freo at Subi. Why are we even discussing this? What the hell has this season/world come to? And if this really is some sort of 1987 Redux we’re at least going to win the first final by 20 goals, watch out for shenanigans in the last couple of minutes of the prelim though.
Next Week
After doing us no favours against the Swans yesterday we get the chance to say thanks to the Hawks by sticking a dagger in their season on Sunday. Can’t see it happening to be honest, but more insane things have happened – either way it’ll be a fair indication of how fair we’ve come from the round one debacle. I have a vision of the future that involves Chip Frawley treating Lance Franklin with utter contempt and Dunn’s mo detaching from his face and kicking six. Then it’s off to Adelaide to get done over by pissweak Port for the tenth consecutive year.
I’m not too keen to rush into making changes for the sake of it. Moloney is a cert if he’s finally fit, but there’s nobody who really deserves to go to make way. We’ve got to double team the Hawks in the ruck so Johnson survives. The Jurrahcane might have been wobbling last week, but he’s a confirmed starter now so that’s bad news for Bate and Miller. Sorry Bradforth, but at least you’re cracking on to a stunner so I’m sure that’ll be some consolation. I don’t know about Bater’s living arrangements but if he’s not achieving on a similar level to Miller then he’ll just have to console himself with the knowledge that I’m still in his fan club.
Also consigned to the lunar surface of Casey Fields for the foreseeable future is Matthew Warnock. Garland muffed it a few times today, but between him, Rivers and Macdonald who is absolutely killing it at the moment there’s no spot for him despite a near BOG performance on Saturday. Handy sort to have in reserve though.
Final Thoughts
Am I the only one who feels slightly guilty that we’re even involved in finals calculations? Guilty, but kind of horny about it (in a sporting way).
Monday, 9 August 2010
Sunday, 1 August 2010
The night the couch nearly went off the balcony
There’s something sordid about watching games on Fox instead of being there in person. Maybe it’s because the spectre of Tony Shaw/Dwayne Russell style ‘analysis’ hangs over the coverage, maybe it’s because I feel the need to socialise with the other people watching with me instead of just shoving in an earphone at the game and only speaking to people on my terms. It’s hard work being this much of an anti-social bastard.
Either way I’m forced to confess that once again I sat through an entire TV match and have precious little insight (even less than usual) into what took place. What I do know is that the feint heartbeat of the finals miracle which was so comprehensively rubbished in these pages last week now beats a little louder. Sure it’s been upgraded from “nearly flatline” to “trapped coal miner” but wouldn’t you have spat at anyone who even suggested it at the start of the year – or even a few weeks ago. Still truly unlikely but at least we’ve got something to play for over the next few weeks instead of seeing the whole season slide straight into the junktime trashcan.
Step one was to get a win in Brisbane for the first time since 2006. That was the last time they were truly shite and even then we only just fell over the line so given that we have a worse travelling record than Air Congo it was certainly no gimme that we’d repeat the dose this time. Standing in the way were the biggest footballing fall from grace of the modern era, who would have thought that the night we touched them up earlier in the season would set off one of the most immense crashes in the history of league football. This is a side who were 4-0 and now could win the spoon – that’s got to be a rarity. But just to keep things nice and confusing the one side they beat was the one currently sitting comfortably, and well out in front on the top of the ladder.
You could tell from the first bounce that we were going to get the current model slopfest Lions and not the one that somehow managed to beat the Pies. Maybe it was an omen that when I went to South Melbourne Market yesterday (hello stalkers) somebody was selling Brisbane Bears scarves, because they barely managed to be better than some of the classic Carrara sides of the past. Still, despite Sylvia and Scully running around like men possessed and Jamar massacring anybody the Lions put up against him in the ruck we only snuck in front at the first change thanks to THE CELEBRATOR (sadly no gang symbols flashed last night) goalling at the end after yet another Brisbane cock-up in the backline.
You (almost) had to feel sorry for Michael Voss. Even early in the game when it was even they’d cut to him in the coaches box and he’d look like a man about to have a massive nervous breakdown. Then, already having copped shit from the entire world for his ‘eccentric’ trading policies in the off-season he watched two of his prized (stop laughing) recruits, Fev and Xavier Clarke go down with game ending injuries before half-time. On the other hand Bailey was hanging around the boundary line looking like he was ready to kick back in a banana lounge and start honking onto a cigar. Something tells me that god forbid we ever win a flag there’s not going to be any Mark Williams style choking with the tie and “Alan Scott you were wrong” outbursts from Bails, he’ll probably just get up there, grab the premiership cup and go “yeah that was pretty good” then walk off.
After his lacklustre performances over the last weeks Fev probably only played because he’s got a storied history of stitching us up when he played for Carlton, but they might as well not have bothered because Garland absolutely smacked him from the first bounce until he was mothballed/exiled to KFC in the second quarter. The other member of the ex-Twin Towers of the forward line Brown did his usual trick of trying to carry the whole side on his shoulders but there’s only so much you can do when you’re surrounded by garbage. Didn’t help that he was on the red hot Frawley who smashed him going the other way as well.
Second quarter was when class started to win out, and there’s not many times in the past few years you’ve been able to say in regards to us. First they bugger one up royally kicking across the face of goal for Green to goal after a Watts handball when he could have taken a shot, then Bennell stuffs up an easy one on the run before the man, the myth, the Sylvia (somebody please go and erase all those posts where I suggested Brock was the best one out of that draft) and Bail both kicked goals to send us clear. Then in what must surely have been the defining highlight of the evening Davey pulled off the save of the year flying through the air to mark a certain goal down to a point. Nothing was going wrong for us and the Lions couldn’t get anything right.. Until they kicked a goal. Never fear though because Dunn had strapped his kicking boots on again (which is a rarity) and got his second before Johnson (barely did anything but played a handy backup to the Russian master) got another a minute later to send us in five goals to the good. Things were going so well that I even managed to tune out the sound of Tony Shaw’s voice and completely ignore his commentary for a whole quarter. Glorious.
So far so good, and on the strength of last week’s third quarter slaughter you’d think we were going to waltz away with this one as well, especially with the Lions down to two players on the bench. Then the tempo of the game changed completely, the Brisbane players - obviously having been on the end of an almighty spray from Voss at half-time – deciding to put in for the first time since the ten minute mark of the first quarter and we started to crack a bit under the pressure. Not only that but the forward line which had looked so deadly in the first half were suddenly all at sea and the ball was continuously being pumped inside 50 and straight to Brisbane players. The only compensation was that they were utterly bollocks as well, and with Mitch Clark unable to hit the side of a barn from the first of numerous set shots during the half we just managed to stay in front. The only spark for the Lions came from Albert Proud who was, I’m sure you’ll agree, sporting the worst haircut in not only the history of the VFL/AFL but maybe the world. If you didn’t see it then there’s nothing I can say that will give you a picture of how bad it looked. It was basically a closely cropped haircut but with a line completely shaved between forehead and top of head. Absolutely ridiculous. Somewhere even Nathan Carroll was sitting at home (or perhaps in a jail cell) shaking his head and wondering what the hell the kid was thinking when he went in and asked for one of those.
Ten minutes without a score and it was a case of “thank god they’re so shit” because we completely lost our rhythm. Eventually the idiot with the bad hair got two goals in two minutes and Brown another to crack the game wide open. Cue much nervous fidgeting and warnings from the people who knew to the non-football fan in the room that they were about to see one of my famous footy spaz outs. Somewhat unfair I thought considering I’d watched the whole thing until then the sense of detatchment that you only get from suddenly thinking that you follow a decent team but not wanting to talk it up too much in case you actually don’t. Mind you this was the people who saw me throw things across a room when we lost that NAB Cup game against Hawthorn in Tasmania after swearing black and blue for four quarters that I wouldn’t get upset no matter what happened, so obviously they knew better than to take my word for it that I’d behave.
Luckily just when it looked like the Lions were going to drag the margin into single digits Rockliff the idiot gave away a cheap free-kick to Thank God For Brad Green for a push in the back and the future captain slotted the goal from row K of the stands. So much manlove for that guy, we might have fallen out briefly in the mid 00’s but it goes right back to the moments after the Farmer-led win against Collingwood in 2000 when I tried to offer him my then girlfriend in joy at the victory. He wisely declined and I was stuck with her. That was also the day that I told Shane Woewodin I’d backed him for the Brownlow and that he was going to win it. And did I get a thanks in the speech when he did? No I bloody did not.
20 points in front at the last change and the general consensus in the room was that we were home and I should stop clutching the side of the couch like I was on a freefalling DC-10. “We’ve lost from better positions than this!” I cried, and not without some justification. One goal quarters aren’t so bad when you’ve done the hard work already, but it doesn’t help against a side desperate to get the monkey off their back in front of a home crowd. When Clark stuffed up his second and third shots of the half to cut the margin to an even three goals it looked even more likely that we were going to suffer the sort of reverse which could cause me to pitch the couch off the balcony onto a car 11 floors below. Then Brown got it right for his second goal and I started to think of what angle I’d have to tilt the thing on to get onto the balcony.
Cue ten minutes of arm wrestle, end to end football with the Lions looking far more likely to score than us. When Banfield – the man so red that he makes Matthew Bate and the Demonblog toaster guy feel good – goalled to cut the margin to five points I could see where it was going and I DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL. Not that I let on, in a desperate attempt to prove the critics wrong I remained outwardly calm despite the feeling that my internal organs were about to spew out of my body a’la Aliens. This is why I should avoid watching games with neutrals, it’s too embarrassing to lose the plot and make a fool of yourself. At least when you’ve got your own fans there they understand.
Thank god then for Tom Rockcliff who managed to gift us a goal for the second time in the quarter when he gave away a ridiculous 50 on Dunn. Two goals for the whole half, both from his indiscretions – we should send him a card. It was the most obvious free of all time, so if you go to work tomorrow and some Brisbane fan (if you can find one) tries to tell you that it wasn’t then tip their desk over. What a complete tool, the man with the worst facial hair in football takes an easy mark in front of him and Rockliff the spaz pushes him squarely in the back right in front of the umpire. What did he expect to happen? Amazingly Dunn, not exactly the most reliable set shot in the world managed to drill a 50m bomb and we were home. My mask of sanity slipped and I ended up sliding onto the floor and pounding it with both hands in celebration.
Proud and his rubbish haircut missed a shot that would have bought it back to under a goal and we were home. Watts had a flying snap at the other end that would have bought the house down but missed. Didn’t matter, we’d just done enough to keep the dream alive.
Watts played an interesting game. 27 touches but seemed to be playing in the midfield for most of the night. Was pretty good early but towards the end he got rolled under pressure a few times, and a couple of his handballs were pure bollocks. Still, he's getting better and better every week so I expect nothing more than pure superstardom next year. Not to put the pressure on or anything..
Now we’re pitched into a nerve shattering hellride involving us only losing one more this season (presumably to Hawthorn), and everyone around us getting done when they’re supposed to. Never happens that way, but you can always live the dream. Either way how much more fun is football again?
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 – Colin Sylvia
4 – Mark Jamar
3 – Joel Macdonald
2 – Tom Scully
1 – Jordie McKenzie
Apologies to Bruce, Dunn (stiffer than a honeymooner to miss out), Jones, Garland, Davey, Watts, Frawley, Bartram, Morton, Davey and Green
Leaderboard
So the week after I say that there’s no way Green or Frawley won’t pick up votes in upcoming games both of them are nudged into the apologies (unluckily in Frawley’s case). Four votes for Jamar keeps his hopes alive, but the big two are still the ones to beat. Imagine if this was decided by a finals game? I’d probably have died with joy and somebody else would have to do the honours.
Elsewhere Scully closes the gap on Trengove for the Hilton. I made the rules for eligibility so obtuse that I can't even remember if McKenzie is eligible so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
35 - Brad Green
28 - James Frawley (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
27 - Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
24 - Colin Sylvia
23 - James McDonald
14 - Matthew Bate
13 - Aaron Davey
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney
8 - Jordan Gysberts, Tom Scully, Jordie McKenzie
7 - Joel Macdonald
6 - Lynden Dunn
5 - Cameron Bruce, Ricky Petterd, Jamie Bennell
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller, Colin Garland
2 - Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Nathan Jones, Austin Wonaeamirri
Next Week
Richmond on Sunday. Bloody nora the pulse rate will start to quicken a bit if we win this one. Either way it’ll be a far cry from that debacle of a match last season, I wouldn’t expect to see a Warnock led forward line this time. Now that their mini-revival has come and gone you’d expect that we’d win comfortably to keep the juggernaut rolling but nothing is for sure. Either way next Sunday night/Monday morning you’re going to read something wild on here – we’ll either have snatched shambles from the jaws of glory or the MFC Miracle will be one step closer.
Either way I’m forced to confess that once again I sat through an entire TV match and have precious little insight (even less than usual) into what took place. What I do know is that the feint heartbeat of the finals miracle which was so comprehensively rubbished in these pages last week now beats a little louder. Sure it’s been upgraded from “nearly flatline” to “trapped coal miner” but wouldn’t you have spat at anyone who even suggested it at the start of the year – or even a few weeks ago. Still truly unlikely but at least we’ve got something to play for over the next few weeks instead of seeing the whole season slide straight into the junktime trashcan.
Step one was to get a win in Brisbane for the first time since 2006. That was the last time they were truly shite and even then we only just fell over the line so given that we have a worse travelling record than Air Congo it was certainly no gimme that we’d repeat the dose this time. Standing in the way were the biggest footballing fall from grace of the modern era, who would have thought that the night we touched them up earlier in the season would set off one of the most immense crashes in the history of league football. This is a side who were 4-0 and now could win the spoon – that’s got to be a rarity. But just to keep things nice and confusing the one side they beat was the one currently sitting comfortably, and well out in front on the top of the ladder.
You could tell from the first bounce that we were going to get the current model slopfest Lions and not the one that somehow managed to beat the Pies. Maybe it was an omen that when I went to South Melbourne Market yesterday (hello stalkers) somebody was selling Brisbane Bears scarves, because they barely managed to be better than some of the classic Carrara sides of the past. Still, despite Sylvia and Scully running around like men possessed and Jamar massacring anybody the Lions put up against him in the ruck we only snuck in front at the first change thanks to THE CELEBRATOR (sadly no gang symbols flashed last night) goalling at the end after yet another Brisbane cock-up in the backline.
You (almost) had to feel sorry for Michael Voss. Even early in the game when it was even they’d cut to him in the coaches box and he’d look like a man about to have a massive nervous breakdown. Then, already having copped shit from the entire world for his ‘eccentric’ trading policies in the off-season he watched two of his prized (stop laughing) recruits, Fev and Xavier Clarke go down with game ending injuries before half-time. On the other hand Bailey was hanging around the boundary line looking like he was ready to kick back in a banana lounge and start honking onto a cigar. Something tells me that god forbid we ever win a flag there’s not going to be any Mark Williams style choking with the tie and “Alan Scott you were wrong” outbursts from Bails, he’ll probably just get up there, grab the premiership cup and go “yeah that was pretty good” then walk off.
After his lacklustre performances over the last weeks Fev probably only played because he’s got a storied history of stitching us up when he played for Carlton, but they might as well not have bothered because Garland absolutely smacked him from the first bounce until he was mothballed/exiled to KFC in the second quarter. The other member of the ex-Twin Towers of the forward line Brown did his usual trick of trying to carry the whole side on his shoulders but there’s only so much you can do when you’re surrounded by garbage. Didn’t help that he was on the red hot Frawley who smashed him going the other way as well.
Second quarter was when class started to win out, and there’s not many times in the past few years you’ve been able to say in regards to us. First they bugger one up royally kicking across the face of goal for Green to goal after a Watts handball when he could have taken a shot, then Bennell stuffs up an easy one on the run before the man, the myth, the Sylvia (somebody please go and erase all those posts where I suggested Brock was the best one out of that draft) and Bail both kicked goals to send us clear. Then in what must surely have been the defining highlight of the evening Davey pulled off the save of the year flying through the air to mark a certain goal down to a point. Nothing was going wrong for us and the Lions couldn’t get anything right.. Until they kicked a goal. Never fear though because Dunn had strapped his kicking boots on again (which is a rarity) and got his second before Johnson (barely did anything but played a handy backup to the Russian master) got another a minute later to send us in five goals to the good. Things were going so well that I even managed to tune out the sound of Tony Shaw’s voice and completely ignore his commentary for a whole quarter. Glorious.
So far so good, and on the strength of last week’s third quarter slaughter you’d think we were going to waltz away with this one as well, especially with the Lions down to two players on the bench. Then the tempo of the game changed completely, the Brisbane players - obviously having been on the end of an almighty spray from Voss at half-time – deciding to put in for the first time since the ten minute mark of the first quarter and we started to crack a bit under the pressure. Not only that but the forward line which had looked so deadly in the first half were suddenly all at sea and the ball was continuously being pumped inside 50 and straight to Brisbane players. The only compensation was that they were utterly bollocks as well, and with Mitch Clark unable to hit the side of a barn from the first of numerous set shots during the half we just managed to stay in front. The only spark for the Lions came from Albert Proud who was, I’m sure you’ll agree, sporting the worst haircut in not only the history of the VFL/AFL but maybe the world. If you didn’t see it then there’s nothing I can say that will give you a picture of how bad it looked. It was basically a closely cropped haircut but with a line completely shaved between forehead and top of head. Absolutely ridiculous. Somewhere even Nathan Carroll was sitting at home (or perhaps in a jail cell) shaking his head and wondering what the hell the kid was thinking when he went in and asked for one of those.
Ten minutes without a score and it was a case of “thank god they’re so shit” because we completely lost our rhythm. Eventually the idiot with the bad hair got two goals in two minutes and Brown another to crack the game wide open. Cue much nervous fidgeting and warnings from the people who knew to the non-football fan in the room that they were about to see one of my famous footy spaz outs. Somewhat unfair I thought considering I’d watched the whole thing until then the sense of detatchment that you only get from suddenly thinking that you follow a decent team but not wanting to talk it up too much in case you actually don’t. Mind you this was the people who saw me throw things across a room when we lost that NAB Cup game against Hawthorn in Tasmania after swearing black and blue for four quarters that I wouldn’t get upset no matter what happened, so obviously they knew better than to take my word for it that I’d behave.
Luckily just when it looked like the Lions were going to drag the margin into single digits Rockliff the idiot gave away a cheap free-kick to Thank God For Brad Green for a push in the back and the future captain slotted the goal from row K of the stands. So much manlove for that guy, we might have fallen out briefly in the mid 00’s but it goes right back to the moments after the Farmer-led win against Collingwood in 2000 when I tried to offer him my then girlfriend in joy at the victory. He wisely declined and I was stuck with her. That was also the day that I told Shane Woewodin I’d backed him for the Brownlow and that he was going to win it. And did I get a thanks in the speech when he did? No I bloody did not.
20 points in front at the last change and the general consensus in the room was that we were home and I should stop clutching the side of the couch like I was on a freefalling DC-10. “We’ve lost from better positions than this!” I cried, and not without some justification. One goal quarters aren’t so bad when you’ve done the hard work already, but it doesn’t help against a side desperate to get the monkey off their back in front of a home crowd. When Clark stuffed up his second and third shots of the half to cut the margin to an even three goals it looked even more likely that we were going to suffer the sort of reverse which could cause me to pitch the couch off the balcony onto a car 11 floors below. Then Brown got it right for his second goal and I started to think of what angle I’d have to tilt the thing on to get onto the balcony.
Cue ten minutes of arm wrestle, end to end football with the Lions looking far more likely to score than us. When Banfield – the man so red that he makes Matthew Bate and the Demonblog toaster guy feel good – goalled to cut the margin to five points I could see where it was going and I DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL. Not that I let on, in a desperate attempt to prove the critics wrong I remained outwardly calm despite the feeling that my internal organs were about to spew out of my body a’la Aliens. This is why I should avoid watching games with neutrals, it’s too embarrassing to lose the plot and make a fool of yourself. At least when you’ve got your own fans there they understand.
Thank god then for Tom Rockcliff who managed to gift us a goal for the second time in the quarter when he gave away a ridiculous 50 on Dunn. Two goals for the whole half, both from his indiscretions – we should send him a card. It was the most obvious free of all time, so if you go to work tomorrow and some Brisbane fan (if you can find one) tries to tell you that it wasn’t then tip their desk over. What a complete tool, the man with the worst facial hair in football takes an easy mark in front of him and Rockliff the spaz pushes him squarely in the back right in front of the umpire. What did he expect to happen? Amazingly Dunn, not exactly the most reliable set shot in the world managed to drill a 50m bomb and we were home. My mask of sanity slipped and I ended up sliding onto the floor and pounding it with both hands in celebration.
Proud and his rubbish haircut missed a shot that would have bought it back to under a goal and we were home. Watts had a flying snap at the other end that would have bought the house down but missed. Didn’t matter, we’d just done enough to keep the dream alive.
Watts played an interesting game. 27 touches but seemed to be playing in the midfield for most of the night. Was pretty good early but towards the end he got rolled under pressure a few times, and a couple of his handballs were pure bollocks. Still, he's getting better and better every week so I expect nothing more than pure superstardom next year. Not to put the pressure on or anything..
Now we’re pitched into a nerve shattering hellride involving us only losing one more this season (presumably to Hawthorn), and everyone around us getting done when they’re supposed to. Never happens that way, but you can always live the dream. Either way how much more fun is football again?
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 – Colin Sylvia
4 – Mark Jamar
3 – Joel Macdonald
2 – Tom Scully
1 – Jordie McKenzie
Apologies to Bruce, Dunn (stiffer than a honeymooner to miss out), Jones, Garland, Davey, Watts, Frawley, Bartram, Morton, Davey and Green
Leaderboard
So the week after I say that there’s no way Green or Frawley won’t pick up votes in upcoming games both of them are nudged into the apologies (unluckily in Frawley’s case). Four votes for Jamar keeps his hopes alive, but the big two are still the ones to beat. Imagine if this was decided by a finals game? I’d probably have died with joy and somebody else would have to do the honours.
Elsewhere Scully closes the gap on Trengove for the Hilton. I made the rules for eligibility so obtuse that I can't even remember if McKenzie is eligible so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
35 - Brad Green
28 - James Frawley (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
27 - Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
24 - Colin Sylvia
23 - James McDonald
14 - Matthew Bate
13 - Aaron Davey
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney
8 - Jordan Gysberts, Tom Scully, Jordie McKenzie
7 - Joel Macdonald
6 - Lynden Dunn
5 - Cameron Bruce, Ricky Petterd, Jamie Bennell
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller, Colin Garland
2 - Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Nathan Jones, Austin Wonaeamirri
Next Week
Richmond on Sunday. Bloody nora the pulse rate will start to quicken a bit if we win this one. Either way it’ll be a far cry from that debacle of a match last season, I wouldn’t expect to see a Warnock led forward line this time. Now that their mini-revival has come and gone you’d expect that we’d win comfortably to keep the juggernaut rolling but nothing is for sure. Either way next Sunday night/Monday morning you’re going to read something wild on here – we’ll either have snatched shambles from the jaws of glory or the MFC Miracle will be one step closer.
Friday, 23 July 2010
One for the true believers
It takes hardy fans to still be coming out at this time of the year, in force or otherwise, when you're in the position we are. Everyone, even the club website which is contractually obligated to be frothy and as optimistic as possible, had conceded that we couldn't possibly play finals football this year. But nor are we, you would hope, going to be in the mix to finish last either. For the first time in god knows how long we're mired deep in a chasm between thinking (or hoping) we're good, and knowing that we're complete rubbish.
Come though we did and something ridiculous, magical and quite possibly fictional happened. I'm still waiting for the Candid Camera team to leap out from behind my office door and tell me that the whole thing was a humorous set up and that we actually lost by ten goals behind closed doors on Saturday night. Either that or I was collected by the number 247 bus on the way to the ground and had been transported, in complete contradiction to everything I believe in, to heaven. But further investigation seems to indicate that not only am I still alive - because having to show up at work on a Monday morning clearly indicates that you are NOT in heaven - but that it was a legitimate result in a match sanctioned by the AFL. The sun is a little bit brighter, the birds are singing and the Herald Sun predicted ladder has lost the plot and decided that we're going to finish 8th. These are strange times.
Interesting times as well at the selection table with Bate dropped for Emo Maric. Hardly a like for like swap but they had to reward Fallout Boy for his strong performances in the VFL and there wasn't really anybody in our forward line who deserved to get the boot. Sometimes it feels like Garry Lyon and I are the only people in the world who actually like Bate which is odd because I'm still convinced that he's an important part of our forward line. Still, the way we played yesterday he's hardly going to walk straight back into the side. Condemn me for supporting him now, history will absolve me.
Also out, late this time was Moloney. Again replacing him with Wona was anything but a straight swap but that turned out to be an inspired move when he turned out to play probably his best game all-round ever for us. His first quarter was unreal and now that he's got match fitness back he just needs to keep his hamstring from tearing apart every five seconds and he'll be a killer player in that forward line. The late swap meant that finally after almost two seasons of waiting we finally got to see THE CELEBRATOR line up on the same field as The Jurrahcane, and my god it was immense. There was one moment where they both tried to do something magical at the same time and it cancelled itself out but other than that it was pure and simple genius. I'm certainly a SCULLGOVE fan, but there's no doubt that these two could be the most exciting duo since Hall & Oates if they keep fit and on the field.
Interesting to see Wona flashing some sort of sign after kicking his goal as well. I doubt he's in a gang so god knows what it all meant. Why even question genius? They don't call him THE CELEBRATOR for nothing. Actually nobody calls him that other than me, but at least it's justified again nearly two years since that leaping fist pump after the goal against Fremantle which was captured on the front page of the Age sports section and is still pinned up on the wall in front of me here at my desk.
The loss of Moloney, not fully recovered from last week's injury, meant that Jamar lost his Psychic Friends Connection partner but any suggestion that it would affect him was thrown out the window from the first bounce when he tapped straight to replacement Psychic Friend Sylvia who roosted the first clearance out of the centre after about two seconds. So far so good, but it got better when the ball spilt to Bennell who turned on the afterburners and dropped the ball in the goalsquare for Dunn to gleefully smash home out of mid-air. In 20 seconds we'd achieved what it usually takes us 25 minutes and a five goal deficit to. Should have known that shenanigans were in the air.
Usually an early goal would be the cue to put the feet up and concede the rest of the quarter, but they must have put something in the water this week because the guys in red and blue unleashed a cyclone of epic proportions. Next stop was Thank God For Brad Green marking inside 50 and hitting the post.. but having it paid as a goal anyway - cheers for that! That got him on an epic roll and he kicked our next two as well to spark suggestions of a Le Cras-esque goal frenzy. He's having a spectacular season. Goal umpiring rorts aside he's never been better, and unlike most of our forwards he's one guy that I'm perfectly confident in seeing roaming the backline or midfield as well. As good a game as Bruce had tagging/destroying O'Keefe it still baffles me that in Junior's absence Green isn't acting captain. I'll be even more baffled, slash absolutely homicidal, if he isn't installed as the next permanent captain. Only Moloney, or the dreaded joint ticket, could cause me to restrain myself.
What's going on with the Bruce to GC rumours? Are they of the same calibre as the Didak to GC one that was going around yesterday only for him to resign with the Pies today. His disposal is still iffy (witness THAT kick against Freo) and I still wouldn't throw myself off a cliff if he went but if he's going to do terminator jobs on quality players like yesterday then I'll have him any day of the week, just not as captain. He even won an admittedly shonky free kick against ROK for the goal that pushed the first quarter over the line from "solid" to "bloody hell what's going on here". When Watts hit a perfect pass to The Jurrahcane after casually stepping out of traffic and connecting with the kick about half a second before being tackled we were in heaven. LJ kicked it and the alert level was lifted to "too good to be true". Then Jones kicked one on the run from 50 and the alert level just went totally off the scale. Goodes got one at the other end to make it a bit more respectable, but only for a few seconds as Dunn continued the trend of absolutely everything going right for us by wildly throwing the ball onto the boot from 40 and watching it float through.
At this point it was only 20 minutes in and with eight on the board it could have gone anywhere. Lewis Jetta provided a comedy highlight at the other end by getting a dish off handball from Goodes 20m out and botching the kick to take his career tally to 0.16.
Just when it looked like we were going to rack up a ten goal quarter and really put the game away the Swans managed to apply the brakes and stop our free flowing, sexy football long enough to get into quarter time a long way behind but not completely blown out of the game. Still, what a quarter. We got a lucky break on the Green goal, but I'll take that one to make up for all the other times we've been rorted by goal umpires this year. Other than that it was total football domination from end to end. The score was only a point better than the Richmond game but the difference in quality was huge. This was a decent team and this time we got the good start instead of conceding the first fifteen minutes and a couple of goals before sparking. They had slaughtered Carlton in the first quarter last week and we'd rolled over and died against Freo so it was almost inconceivable that they could be so bad and we could be so good, it was certainly an exciting way to (at least temporarily) bury our run of bad starts. Once we hit three goals I was happy, and then every one after that made me smile just a little bit more until the siren went and my face was stretched further than Kerry Anne Kenneally's.
Not surprisingly the end of season apathy that had descended on me last week lifted significantly as the quarter went on. By the time the 8th goal went in it's like last week's depression session had never even occurred. Funny what happens when football temporarily becomes fun again.
The Swans past players function in the Harrison Room behind us had a true funeral atmosphere. Serves them right for not inviting The Indian Rubber Man Jamie Lawson or Sanford Wheeler. Bob Skilton was standing at the window looking crestfallen, obviously not taking any comfort out of the fact that he used to coach us, but where was Kevin Dyson? Nowhere to be seen.
So a blistering first quarter was nice, but what chance we'd actually back it up and go again? Obviously you can't expect eight goals a quarter, especially given that we've never kicked more than 28 in a game, but the last thing we wanted was a repeat of the Richmond game where we followed up a scorching eight goal term by kicking none in the next. We'd built up what should have been a match winning lead but we've lost from better positions than that before.
What we needed was a sign, and it was nearly Demonblog's own Maric who provided it. Sadly he was clearly unaware that the whole crowd were going to be given My Chemical Romance tickets when he kicked his first goal and missed a snap to start the quarter. That would have absolutely bought the house down and caused emo fringe wigs to be sold in the Megastore. Speaking of the Megastore ("Meesen Magic" capes and "I Saw Mark Jamar have 6 kicks" shirts now 70% off) I loved the promotion that they were running where you got 20% off jerseys if we won. Bet they didn't think they'd have to pay out on that, but I support the addition of a Myer Doorbuster Sales element to our retail strategy.
The real sign was provided, as it so often is, by Green who kicked his fourth to really twist the knife on the Swans. Then Frawley tore the knife out, screamed "COP THIS YOU BASTARDS" and plunged it straight back in again with his second career goal. And a thing of beauty is was too. Poor Mike Pyke was having an absolute nightmare, even worse than the day I saw him get towelled up by the Meese in a practice match, and was already well on the way to ensuring no Canadian ever got near an AFL venue ever again before rising above the pack to punch Chip's kick through only to have a big old fresh airy and see it bounce through. Cruel but fair(ly hilarious). To say everything was going right for us would be the understatement of the millenium, Frawley even managed to stay in a chase with Jetta right down the Southern Stand wing long enough to put him off his kick. Sounds distinctly unimpressive unless you were there and saw the sight of this obscenely large necked beast of a man pissbolting after a pacy little guy and nearly catching him. Same goes for a similar Watts chase on Jetta but without the neck made out of concrete blocks.
Jamar (*swoon*) took one of his trademark massive big bastard hangers in the square and for all intents and purposes it was over. Anything could have happened from there, never forget the Freo 51 point debacle but it was more likely that we were going to get a repeat of the Essendon match with the other lot firing up briefly after receiving a blockbusting spray from the coach before we got on top again and put them away. Cazart! The slaughter continued almost unopposed. If it wasn't for Adam Goodes then Sydney would have been down by 500, if I'd been handing out the votes for them today it would have been the biggest gulf between 5 and 4 in the history of vote giving. Morton lost, but not by a knockout and he had his moments. It was really only when Goodes took him forward that he got killed in marking contests, other than that he did about as good a job as he could against the only guy on their side who had any interest whatsoever.
Amongst the rain of goals came one of the most beautifully casual finishes ever when Wonaeamirri ran into the not-at-all-open goal with a Swans player standing guard and dinked a tiny little kick into the corner with no apparent effort. Classic finish and a big fat gold star on a cracker of a day. Speaking of big and fat he is no longer either of these and looks as good as he did in the pre-season last year before his run of injuries started. Additional highlight of the quarter, and possibly the whole game was Brett Meredith (who?) getting the ball in front of his own goal and running around in circles forgetting to bounce until the umpire finally tired of him and pinged him for holding it, leading to Davey kicking a goal. Classic shambles, sign that guy up to play for us. Especially considering that after he got pinged he stood there with a hurt look on his face like he didn't know what he'd done, that just made it even more tragically comic.
81 points in front at three-quarter time and you just had to shake your head and wonder what the hell was going on. I turned around to have a look at the past players function behind me and not surprisingly the room was empty other than a few bored kids playing on the floor. Even Skilts, Mr. South Melbourne himself, had walked out. And can you blame him? Sydney had never lost by more than 72 under Paul Roos so this must have been something out of the ordinary for everyone involved. Dean Bailey lost his first two games as coach by more than that so we're used to it. A few minutes into the last, after Watts got his weekly charity free in front of goal and the man, the myth, the Jamar had kicked another margin blew out over 90 and it started to look like we might be in line for the magic triple digit win. Given that we've only done it 14 times since 1897 it would have been nice, but frankly I was just happy to be able to enjoy a last quarter without worrying about 50 point comebacks.
Sydney took advantage of a lengthy period of junktime, and you can drag the trashcan out and start sifting through your recyclables whenever Jamar goes to full forward and stays there ten minutes into the last, to make it a little bit more respectable. Having missed the last 100 point win against Carlton in 2004 due to work I've been waiting since Round 21, 1993 to see another one in person. How many posts have I written that reference that great day? Jakovich and Andy Lovell kick eight and a bird shat on me in the bottom deck of the Ponsford at three-quarter time. Don't stop me if you've heard this one before, I could think about it all day. Except I don't remember anything other than the score and the aerial bombardment and Name A Game can't offer a copy to fill in the gaps.
They dragged it back to 73 points, Goodes playing the lonest of lone hands by kicking the last two - the second a gift from Fallout Boy trying to hit a pinpoint target 60m away coming out of the backline. Why was he even in the backline? Who cares as long as stuffing it up didn't cause him to cut himself and/or blame his parents.
The Great Debate
If Jamar hasn't sealed at least the backup ruck spot in the All-Australian team now then the selectors officially hate our guts. Other than that giraffe Sandilands, Mumford was surely his only realistic challenger and he tossed him out of the way in rag doll fashion. The roar he got when he came off the ground in the last quarter was unreal. I was looking in the opposite direction and wondered what the hell had happened. Cometh the hour, cometh the MANBEAST.
Frawley and Green wouldn't have harmed their chances of at least getting a mention at the end of the year either. I doubt either could get in from here but it'll be nice to have some of our players in the mix for once.
Also apparently there is some sort of federal poll going on. It would probably be against the Electoral Act for me to tell you to vote improperly, but I'm suggesting that if enough people go into their polling station on August 21 and write "I LOVE THE JURRAHCANE" both above and below the line that we'll be well on our way to a better, more orderly society.
Crowd Watch
Sitting directly behind me was Guy Rigoni and family. His daughter is clearly a genius because both of the first two points that Sydney kicked were after she yelled out "KICK A POINT". Was a massive Rigoni fan in his day, but couldn't bring myself to do the typical fan thing of trying to have a chat. If I turned around to find Philthy or Jakovich there it would be a completely different matter.
Also behind us was a complete nutbag of a Swans fan who started yelling out slogans at the first bounce and, to his credit, didn't stop even when his side were getting beaten to a bloodied pulp. His entire day was screaming out the names of imagined infringements every time a player from either side touched the ball. We'd lay a tackle and he'll scream "IN THE BACK!" "OVER THE SHOULDER!", a Sydney player would do the same and it was "BALL! BALL! BALL!". Even the Swans fans in front of us were silently shaking their heads in shame and grief every time he spoke. Finally one of their players got pinged for holding it and the entire section, even including Clan Rigoni let rip with a big, satisfied "BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL" just to give it to him.
My highlight was in the middle of the third quarter massacre when Sydney were trying, albeit comically, to get it out of their backline and he screamed "KENNEDY! KENNEDY! KICK IT TO KENNEDY!" and somebody yelled out "Kick it whoever you like, it's not going to fucking help you". Brought the house down. Hearing our fans ripping out arrogant lines again is almost enough to bring a tear to the eye.
I'm also convinced that somebody behind me yelled "EMO!" the first time Maric touched the ball, but I think that's more like wishful thinking.
Pomeranz/Stratton Corner
This post is delayed due to going straight to see The Ghost Writer at MIFF post-match. I felt morally dubious paying to watch a Polanski film, but if people pay money to be members of St Kilda then I suppose I'm allowed to look at a film for the artistic merits and ignore the sleazy shenanigans of the director. Besides it's not my fault that the pissweak Swiss legal system (Swissweak?) let him go after I'd agreed to see the film. Don't bother with it, decent performances are ruined by some of the worst plot twists since episodes of Scooby Doo. Two stars Margaret.
Delays also due to the fact that for the sixth time in the Demonblog era I'm in the middle of moving house and have no internet at home. Despite the fact that I sit at work surrounded by legit Demons fanatics (all of whom I'm understandably too ashamed to disclose the existence of Demonblog to) there is only so much you can get away with when people wander past your desk and see you writing lengthy love letters to Russian ruckmen. Alt-tab has been getting one of the biggest runs ever today.
Chub Corner
My previous claim that I'd eat fat porky food after every win until either we won the flag or I died has gone out the window. If THE CELEBRATOR can be trim, taut and terrific then so can some idiot off the internet. So I ate a salad. Bleh. Oh for the glory days of seasons 2002/03 when the fat man music from the start of the Carlton song used to play as I walked the streets.
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - James Frawley
3 - Cameron Bruce
2 - Brad Green
1 - Austin Wonaeamirri
Apologies to everyone else. The only two in any danger of missing out would be Watts and Johnson, and even they were handy. The Golden Child had a great first quarter before drifting out of it a bit but some of the stuff he did early on was epic. Look at the way Frawley has gone from promising but flawed to damn near superstardom within a couple of years and apply the same curve to Watts. Then have a lie down and try to stop hyperventilating.
Bartram, Jamar and Joel Mac were probably the next cabs off the rank for votes. Macdonald has had a couple of awesome weeks, now that he's got his confidence up he's playing bloody good football down there. Same goes for Garland.
Johnson didn't provide anything special but for the last two weeks he's done exactly what a second string ruckman should. He might be lulling us into a false sense of security with a Miller-esque 'end of contract' burst, but on the strength of the last two weeks - and pending the eventual arrival of GAWN - he might almost earn himself another year. The Spencil isn't ready, poor Meesen Magic is cooked and even if we draft another ruckman this year he's not going to be ready to step in from round one next year so PJ might just survive. Is he even out of contract or am I just assuming it? It wouldn't surprise me to see us go with just Jamar a lot next year, but for the lack of any other realistic options I'd be satisfied with having Johnson hanging around as a backup. Come back next week after he has a shocker to read how I firmly believe he should be traded to Northcote Secondary College Old Boys for a pack of Briquettes and a copy of Who Weekly.
Leaderboard
And then there were two. Jamar (and conceivably McDonald) could still win from here but they'd need a miracle - there's no way that the red hot Green and Frawley are not going to pick up more votes for the rest of the year as long as they stay on the park. Either way it's going to be the sixth different winner in six years of the award (one each in order to Johnstone, McLean, Jones, Bruce and Davey). Have I really been doing this for six seasons? My god.
35 - Brad Green
28 - James Frawley (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - James McDonald, Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
19 - Colin Sylvia
14 - Matthew Bate
13 - Aaron Davey
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney
8 - Jordan Gysberts
7 - Jordie McKenzie
6 - Tom Scully, Lynden Dunn
5 - Cameron Bruce, Ricky Petterd, Jamie Bennell
4 - Joel Macdonald
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller, Colin Garland
2 - Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Nathan Jones, Austin Wonaeamirri
Emblemgate
If you're the sort of person who wastes your leisure time reading MFC related forums you can't have helped sneak a look at the new logo that was 'leaked' during the week. I'm not sure leaked is the right term given that it was there on the IP Australia trademarks website for the whole world to see, but within a few hours the club were frantically running around trying to get the forums to take it down. Fair enough too, but I don't think it's such an issue that the handful of people who read forums got a look. At least the feedback was positive. Compare and contrast to the pasting the Brisbane and Adelaide cartoon slopfest logos got when they were leaked. The club might act hurt that it got out there but you can't tell me that they weren't treating the reaction as an impromptu focus group once it did.
I first saw it a couple of weeks ago but was asked to shut up about it so I did, but now that the cat is out of the bag there's no harm discussing it. The concept is sound, to toss out the idea of a cartoon Demon (including that rubbish one eyed Batman thing on our away jumper) and go to a real emblem, like a real football club. I can't fault that, and what they have come up with is pretty good. It's a little busy, but everything on there is there for a reason.
The masterstroke is the EST 1858 at the bottom, that's something we should never let anybody forget and the second piece of genius is the extract from the original rules in the background. Bugger of a thing for schoolkids to draw but a beautiful design touch. Don't forget next time some opposition peanut questions you on the rules, or suggests that we're getting a free run from the umpires, to yell "SHUT UP YOU PEASANT, WE WROTE THE BLOODY RULES". It's not our fault that everyone has ruined them over the years.
The only bit that I don't like is the Southern Cross. Even before that logo was hijacked by nationalist dickheads who drive cars with "Fuck off we're full" bumper stickers (*shudder*) it never resonated with me. Now that they're queueing up to get it tattooed on them it's even worse. Somebody has to take the symbol back from the fuckheads of society, and it may as well be fine, upstanding citizens like us but personally I'd lose that bit and it would be pretty much perfect. There's a footy on there too which looks a bit odd to me at the moment, but I'm sure it'll grow. I like the idea of not having any mention of footy on the crest/emblem/logo at all - we should insinuate that we're bigger than the sport itself.
If you haven't seen it I'll respect the club's position (maybe for the first time) and not send you a link, but suffice to say that you don't have to have Hollywood movie style "mad hack1ng skillz!?" to find it yourself. Unless of course they've wised up and changed the name of the registration from Melbourne Football Club to Jolimont Bakery or something to disguise it.
What I find interesting is that it was found by somebody who was trawling that website looking for the new Gold Coast Suns logo. They found our new emblem but never turned up the GC one. Did they just hide theirs better or was it not on there for some reason? Having seen it I probably wouldn't have even bothered trademarking it if I was them.
Franchise Watch
Speaking of the Gold Coast how much of a let down was their name? Suns joins Power as the worst nickname in the league. Dockers is a bit pox but at least waterfront workers have a storied history of shooting each other so that's got some edge to it. It's a headline writers dream but lacks that vicious "we're going to kill you" element that makes a good team name. You can forgive teams like the Swans for sticking with non-threatening ancient nicknames for historical reasons, but if you're starting a new side then at least give the fans something to get agro about. What's wrong with a good old fashioned Wildcat, Wolverine, Panther etc.. I don't care if there are no panthers here, there are no bloody Tigers either and that doesn't seem to have harmed Richmond's off-field image too badly. It's focus group thinking and it shits me to tears. It's the same reason that we've got an election between two idiots who are basically running the same campaign in different coloured jerseys. Here's hoping West Sydney are a bit more bold in their image. But I'm not the target market am I? They're trying to get 12-year-olds to ditch Rugby League and soccer, but tell me what 12-year-olds want if they don't want meaningless violence? At that age I was knocking people's digital blocks off playing Mortal Kombat (Johnny Cage fatality was fwd-fwd-fwd + high punch - keep that in mind), I can't see the kids of today firing up for throwing their XBox and whatever today's high violence video gaming equivalent is out the window to follow a team called The Suns. They didn't even get it right and include the greatest sun of all, the one on the flag of Uruguay.
And how about their song? The tune is automatically better than that of Port, Carlton, Footscray, West Coast and Freo already but the words are, predictably, terrible. It's unbelievable that after 12 seasons of "stop stop stop" "top top top" destroying the Port theme that somebody would sit down and include the lines "sun sun sun" "run run run". You're writing an anthem, not a Beach Boys song. And why would you have a line that says "We'll win the premiership for you". Do the players ever sing the song to the supporters? Of course they don't, so how stupid is that going to sound when they're in a circle singing it at the end of a game? And what sense does that line make when the fans are singing it? It might just have replaced "teamwork is the thing that talks" as the most baffling line in a club song.
Anyway, here's to them taking Miller off our hands, merging with West Sydney and relocating to Dubbo within a decade.
Next Week
Brisbane at the Gabba. Now even if we'd lost today we might have gone in favourites for this one considering just how putrid the Lions have been since we derailed their season (and plunged it straight off a bridge) on that glorious night at the MCG earlier in the year. Now that we've slapped a legitimate finals contender upside the head in spectacular fashion it's almost certain that we'll go in at a short price. If the game was being played in Melbourne you'd pencil us in, but the shadow of the great travel curse looms large. One win interstate (is it still interstate if you go to a territory? Gillard/Abbott/Brown - sort this out immediately) by one point in the last three years says to me that evil surrounds us and anything could happen. Afterall the only game they've won since we beat them was against Collingwood there, and they didn't do too badly against St Kilda so I wouldn't put your house on it yet.
Interesting to hear talk that they might drop Fev. Sure he's suffering from a terminal lack of interest, and sure he looks like he's bought a lifetime subscription to KFC but surely his record against us saves him from the chop. I know he did nothing last time but if you're going to send him off to play in the QAFL it might be worth giving him his last chance against a side that he's cut up in the past. Here's hoping that he plays, does bugger all and is given the FanFooty hamburger logo.
The rest of the year
Come 4.40pm on the last Sunday of the season I'd love to be proven wrong and for the match against North to be a pseudo-Elimination Final but I still can't see it happening. Sure, we play some utter slop in the last five weeks of the year but it would take a set of fanciful Twin Peaks-esque circumstances to get us in. Firstly we've got to win games in Brisbane AND Adelaide, instantly doubling the Bailey away win tally and snapping the Football Park curse at the same time. Then it would take the likes of Sydney, North, Carlton and Adelaide to lose every single game that they don't start favourite in. If you've got holidays booked in September there's no need to call Flight Centre and try and get a refund yet, but if we win the next two you might want to start investigating putting your dirty weekend in Penang back to sometime in October.
Final Thoughts
I bet you just as I click PUBLISH that somebody will reveal that the game was a hoax.
Come though we did and something ridiculous, magical and quite possibly fictional happened. I'm still waiting for the Candid Camera team to leap out from behind my office door and tell me that the whole thing was a humorous set up and that we actually lost by ten goals behind closed doors on Saturday night. Either that or I was collected by the number 247 bus on the way to the ground and had been transported, in complete contradiction to everything I believe in, to heaven. But further investigation seems to indicate that not only am I still alive - because having to show up at work on a Monday morning clearly indicates that you are NOT in heaven - but that it was a legitimate result in a match sanctioned by the AFL. The sun is a little bit brighter, the birds are singing and the Herald Sun predicted ladder has lost the plot and decided that we're going to finish 8th. These are strange times.
Interesting times as well at the selection table with Bate dropped for Emo Maric. Hardly a like for like swap but they had to reward Fallout Boy for his strong performances in the VFL and there wasn't really anybody in our forward line who deserved to get the boot. Sometimes it feels like Garry Lyon and I are the only people in the world who actually like Bate which is odd because I'm still convinced that he's an important part of our forward line. Still, the way we played yesterday he's hardly going to walk straight back into the side. Condemn me for supporting him now, history will absolve me.
Also out, late this time was Moloney. Again replacing him with Wona was anything but a straight swap but that turned out to be an inspired move when he turned out to play probably his best game all-round ever for us. His first quarter was unreal and now that he's got match fitness back he just needs to keep his hamstring from tearing apart every five seconds and he'll be a killer player in that forward line. The late swap meant that finally after almost two seasons of waiting we finally got to see THE CELEBRATOR line up on the same field as The Jurrahcane, and my god it was immense. There was one moment where they both tried to do something magical at the same time and it cancelled itself out but other than that it was pure and simple genius. I'm certainly a SCULLGOVE fan, but there's no doubt that these two could be the most exciting duo since Hall & Oates if they keep fit and on the field.
Interesting to see Wona flashing some sort of sign after kicking his goal as well. I doubt he's in a gang so god knows what it all meant. Why even question genius? They don't call him THE CELEBRATOR for nothing. Actually nobody calls him that other than me, but at least it's justified again nearly two years since that leaping fist pump after the goal against Fremantle which was captured on the front page of the Age sports section and is still pinned up on the wall in front of me here at my desk.
The loss of Moloney, not fully recovered from last week's injury, meant that Jamar lost his Psychic Friends Connection partner but any suggestion that it would affect him was thrown out the window from the first bounce when he tapped straight to replacement Psychic Friend Sylvia who roosted the first clearance out of the centre after about two seconds. So far so good, but it got better when the ball spilt to Bennell who turned on the afterburners and dropped the ball in the goalsquare for Dunn to gleefully smash home out of mid-air. In 20 seconds we'd achieved what it usually takes us 25 minutes and a five goal deficit to. Should have known that shenanigans were in the air.
Usually an early goal would be the cue to put the feet up and concede the rest of the quarter, but they must have put something in the water this week because the guys in red and blue unleashed a cyclone of epic proportions. Next stop was Thank God For Brad Green marking inside 50 and hitting the post.. but having it paid as a goal anyway - cheers for that! That got him on an epic roll and he kicked our next two as well to spark suggestions of a Le Cras-esque goal frenzy. He's having a spectacular season. Goal umpiring rorts aside he's never been better, and unlike most of our forwards he's one guy that I'm perfectly confident in seeing roaming the backline or midfield as well. As good a game as Bruce had tagging/destroying O'Keefe it still baffles me that in Junior's absence Green isn't acting captain. I'll be even more baffled, slash absolutely homicidal, if he isn't installed as the next permanent captain. Only Moloney, or the dreaded joint ticket, could cause me to restrain myself.
What's going on with the Bruce to GC rumours? Are they of the same calibre as the Didak to GC one that was going around yesterday only for him to resign with the Pies today. His disposal is still iffy (witness THAT kick against Freo) and I still wouldn't throw myself off a cliff if he went but if he's going to do terminator jobs on quality players like yesterday then I'll have him any day of the week, just not as captain. He even won an admittedly shonky free kick against ROK for the goal that pushed the first quarter over the line from "solid" to "bloody hell what's going on here". When Watts hit a perfect pass to The Jurrahcane after casually stepping out of traffic and connecting with the kick about half a second before being tackled we were in heaven. LJ kicked it and the alert level was lifted to "too good to be true". Then Jones kicked one on the run from 50 and the alert level just went totally off the scale. Goodes got one at the other end to make it a bit more respectable, but only for a few seconds as Dunn continued the trend of absolutely everything going right for us by wildly throwing the ball onto the boot from 40 and watching it float through.
At this point it was only 20 minutes in and with eight on the board it could have gone anywhere. Lewis Jetta provided a comedy highlight at the other end by getting a dish off handball from Goodes 20m out and botching the kick to take his career tally to 0.16.
Just when it looked like we were going to rack up a ten goal quarter and really put the game away the Swans managed to apply the brakes and stop our free flowing, sexy football long enough to get into quarter time a long way behind but not completely blown out of the game. Still, what a quarter. We got a lucky break on the Green goal, but I'll take that one to make up for all the other times we've been rorted by goal umpires this year. Other than that it was total football domination from end to end. The score was only a point better than the Richmond game but the difference in quality was huge. This was a decent team and this time we got the good start instead of conceding the first fifteen minutes and a couple of goals before sparking. They had slaughtered Carlton in the first quarter last week and we'd rolled over and died against Freo so it was almost inconceivable that they could be so bad and we could be so good, it was certainly an exciting way to (at least temporarily) bury our run of bad starts. Once we hit three goals I was happy, and then every one after that made me smile just a little bit more until the siren went and my face was stretched further than Kerry Anne Kenneally's.
Not surprisingly the end of season apathy that had descended on me last week lifted significantly as the quarter went on. By the time the 8th goal went in it's like last week's depression session had never even occurred. Funny what happens when football temporarily becomes fun again.
The Swans past players function in the Harrison Room behind us had a true funeral atmosphere. Serves them right for not inviting The Indian Rubber Man Jamie Lawson or Sanford Wheeler. Bob Skilton was standing at the window looking crestfallen, obviously not taking any comfort out of the fact that he used to coach us, but where was Kevin Dyson? Nowhere to be seen.
So a blistering first quarter was nice, but what chance we'd actually back it up and go again? Obviously you can't expect eight goals a quarter, especially given that we've never kicked more than 28 in a game, but the last thing we wanted was a repeat of the Richmond game where we followed up a scorching eight goal term by kicking none in the next. We'd built up what should have been a match winning lead but we've lost from better positions than that before.
What we needed was a sign, and it was nearly Demonblog's own Maric who provided it. Sadly he was clearly unaware that the whole crowd were going to be given My Chemical Romance tickets when he kicked his first goal and missed a snap to start the quarter. That would have absolutely bought the house down and caused emo fringe wigs to be sold in the Megastore. Speaking of the Megastore ("Meesen Magic" capes and "I Saw Mark Jamar have 6 kicks" shirts now 70% off) I loved the promotion that they were running where you got 20% off jerseys if we won. Bet they didn't think they'd have to pay out on that, but I support the addition of a Myer Doorbuster Sales element to our retail strategy.
The real sign was provided, as it so often is, by Green who kicked his fourth to really twist the knife on the Swans. Then Frawley tore the knife out, screamed "COP THIS YOU BASTARDS" and plunged it straight back in again with his second career goal. And a thing of beauty is was too. Poor Mike Pyke was having an absolute nightmare, even worse than the day I saw him get towelled up by the Meese in a practice match, and was already well on the way to ensuring no Canadian ever got near an AFL venue ever again before rising above the pack to punch Chip's kick through only to have a big old fresh airy and see it bounce through. Cruel but fair(ly hilarious). To say everything was going right for us would be the understatement of the millenium, Frawley even managed to stay in a chase with Jetta right down the Southern Stand wing long enough to put him off his kick. Sounds distinctly unimpressive unless you were there and saw the sight of this obscenely large necked beast of a man pissbolting after a pacy little guy and nearly catching him. Same goes for a similar Watts chase on Jetta but without the neck made out of concrete blocks.
Jamar (*swoon*) took one of his trademark massive big bastard hangers in the square and for all intents and purposes it was over. Anything could have happened from there, never forget the Freo 51 point debacle but it was more likely that we were going to get a repeat of the Essendon match with the other lot firing up briefly after receiving a blockbusting spray from the coach before we got on top again and put them away. Cazart! The slaughter continued almost unopposed. If it wasn't for Adam Goodes then Sydney would have been down by 500, if I'd been handing out the votes for them today it would have been the biggest gulf between 5 and 4 in the history of vote giving. Morton lost, but not by a knockout and he had his moments. It was really only when Goodes took him forward that he got killed in marking contests, other than that he did about as good a job as he could against the only guy on their side who had any interest whatsoever.
Amongst the rain of goals came one of the most beautifully casual finishes ever when Wonaeamirri ran into the not-at-all-open goal with a Swans player standing guard and dinked a tiny little kick into the corner with no apparent effort. Classic finish and a big fat gold star on a cracker of a day. Speaking of big and fat he is no longer either of these and looks as good as he did in the pre-season last year before his run of injuries started. Additional highlight of the quarter, and possibly the whole game was Brett Meredith (who?) getting the ball in front of his own goal and running around in circles forgetting to bounce until the umpire finally tired of him and pinged him for holding it, leading to Davey kicking a goal. Classic shambles, sign that guy up to play for us. Especially considering that after he got pinged he stood there with a hurt look on his face like he didn't know what he'd done, that just made it even more tragically comic.
81 points in front at three-quarter time and you just had to shake your head and wonder what the hell was going on. I turned around to have a look at the past players function behind me and not surprisingly the room was empty other than a few bored kids playing on the floor. Even Skilts, Mr. South Melbourne himself, had walked out. And can you blame him? Sydney had never lost by more than 72 under Paul Roos so this must have been something out of the ordinary for everyone involved. Dean Bailey lost his first two games as coach by more than that so we're used to it. A few minutes into the last, after Watts got his weekly charity free in front of goal and the man, the myth, the Jamar had kicked another margin blew out over 90 and it started to look like we might be in line for the magic triple digit win. Given that we've only done it 14 times since 1897 it would have been nice, but frankly I was just happy to be able to enjoy a last quarter without worrying about 50 point comebacks.
Sydney took advantage of a lengthy period of junktime, and you can drag the trashcan out and start sifting through your recyclables whenever Jamar goes to full forward and stays there ten minutes into the last, to make it a little bit more respectable. Having missed the last 100 point win against Carlton in 2004 due to work I've been waiting since Round 21, 1993 to see another one in person. How many posts have I written that reference that great day? Jakovich and Andy Lovell kick eight and a bird shat on me in the bottom deck of the Ponsford at three-quarter time. Don't stop me if you've heard this one before, I could think about it all day. Except I don't remember anything other than the score and the aerial bombardment and Name A Game can't offer a copy to fill in the gaps.
They dragged it back to 73 points, Goodes playing the lonest of lone hands by kicking the last two - the second a gift from Fallout Boy trying to hit a pinpoint target 60m away coming out of the backline. Why was he even in the backline? Who cares as long as stuffing it up didn't cause him to cut himself and/or blame his parents.
The Great Debate
If Jamar hasn't sealed at least the backup ruck spot in the All-Australian team now then the selectors officially hate our guts. Other than that giraffe Sandilands, Mumford was surely his only realistic challenger and he tossed him out of the way in rag doll fashion. The roar he got when he came off the ground in the last quarter was unreal. I was looking in the opposite direction and wondered what the hell had happened. Cometh the hour, cometh the MANBEAST.
Frawley and Green wouldn't have harmed their chances of at least getting a mention at the end of the year either. I doubt either could get in from here but it'll be nice to have some of our players in the mix for once.
Also apparently there is some sort of federal poll going on. It would probably be against the Electoral Act for me to tell you to vote improperly, but I'm suggesting that if enough people go into their polling station on August 21 and write "I LOVE THE JURRAHCANE" both above and below the line that we'll be well on our way to a better, more orderly society.
Crowd Watch
Sitting directly behind me was Guy Rigoni and family. His daughter is clearly a genius because both of the first two points that Sydney kicked were after she yelled out "KICK A POINT". Was a massive Rigoni fan in his day, but couldn't bring myself to do the typical fan thing of trying to have a chat. If I turned around to find Philthy or Jakovich there it would be a completely different matter.
Also behind us was a complete nutbag of a Swans fan who started yelling out slogans at the first bounce and, to his credit, didn't stop even when his side were getting beaten to a bloodied pulp. His entire day was screaming out the names of imagined infringements every time a player from either side touched the ball. We'd lay a tackle and he'll scream "IN THE BACK!" "OVER THE SHOULDER!", a Sydney player would do the same and it was "BALL! BALL! BALL!". Even the Swans fans in front of us were silently shaking their heads in shame and grief every time he spoke. Finally one of their players got pinged for holding it and the entire section, even including Clan Rigoni let rip with a big, satisfied "BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL" just to give it to him.
My highlight was in the middle of the third quarter massacre when Sydney were trying, albeit comically, to get it out of their backline and he screamed "KENNEDY! KENNEDY! KICK IT TO KENNEDY!" and somebody yelled out "Kick it whoever you like, it's not going to fucking help you". Brought the house down. Hearing our fans ripping out arrogant lines again is almost enough to bring a tear to the eye.
I'm also convinced that somebody behind me yelled "EMO!" the first time Maric touched the ball, but I think that's more like wishful thinking.
Pomeranz/Stratton Corner
This post is delayed due to going straight to see The Ghost Writer at MIFF post-match. I felt morally dubious paying to watch a Polanski film, but if people pay money to be members of St Kilda then I suppose I'm allowed to look at a film for the artistic merits and ignore the sleazy shenanigans of the director. Besides it's not my fault that the pissweak Swiss legal system (Swissweak?) let him go after I'd agreed to see the film. Don't bother with it, decent performances are ruined by some of the worst plot twists since episodes of Scooby Doo. Two stars Margaret.
Delays also due to the fact that for the sixth time in the Demonblog era I'm in the middle of moving house and have no internet at home. Despite the fact that I sit at work surrounded by legit Demons fanatics (all of whom I'm understandably too ashamed to disclose the existence of Demonblog to) there is only so much you can get away with when people wander past your desk and see you writing lengthy love letters to Russian ruckmen. Alt-tab has been getting one of the biggest runs ever today.
Chub Corner
My previous claim that I'd eat fat porky food after every win until either we won the flag or I died has gone out the window. If THE CELEBRATOR can be trim, taut and terrific then so can some idiot off the internet. So I ate a salad. Bleh. Oh for the glory days of seasons 2002/03 when the fat man music from the start of the Carlton song used to play as I walked the streets.
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - James Frawley
3 - Cameron Bruce
2 - Brad Green
1 - Austin Wonaeamirri
Apologies to everyone else. The only two in any danger of missing out would be Watts and Johnson, and even they were handy. The Golden Child had a great first quarter before drifting out of it a bit but some of the stuff he did early on was epic. Look at the way Frawley has gone from promising but flawed to damn near superstardom within a couple of years and apply the same curve to Watts. Then have a lie down and try to stop hyperventilating.
Bartram, Jamar and Joel Mac were probably the next cabs off the rank for votes. Macdonald has had a couple of awesome weeks, now that he's got his confidence up he's playing bloody good football down there. Same goes for Garland.
Johnson didn't provide anything special but for the last two weeks he's done exactly what a second string ruckman should. He might be lulling us into a false sense of security with a Miller-esque 'end of contract' burst, but on the strength of the last two weeks - and pending the eventual arrival of GAWN - he might almost earn himself another year. The Spencil isn't ready, poor Meesen Magic is cooked and even if we draft another ruckman this year he's not going to be ready to step in from round one next year so PJ might just survive. Is he even out of contract or am I just assuming it? It wouldn't surprise me to see us go with just Jamar a lot next year, but for the lack of any other realistic options I'd be satisfied with having Johnson hanging around as a backup. Come back next week after he has a shocker to read how I firmly believe he should be traded to Northcote Secondary College Old Boys for a pack of Briquettes and a copy of Who Weekly.
Leaderboard
And then there were two. Jamar (and conceivably McDonald) could still win from here but they'd need a miracle - there's no way that the red hot Green and Frawley are not going to pick up more votes for the rest of the year as long as they stay on the park. Either way it's going to be the sixth different winner in six years of the award (one each in order to Johnstone, McLean, Jones, Bruce and Davey). Have I really been doing this for six seasons? My god.
35 - Brad Green
28 - James Frawley (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - James McDonald, Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
19 - Colin Sylvia
14 - Matthew Bate
13 - Aaron Davey
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney
8 - Jordan Gysberts
7 - Jordie McKenzie
6 - Tom Scully, Lynden Dunn
5 - Cameron Bruce, Ricky Petterd, Jamie Bennell
4 - Joel Macdonald
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller, Colin Garland
2 - Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Nathan Jones, Austin Wonaeamirri
Emblemgate
If you're the sort of person who wastes your leisure time reading MFC related forums you can't have helped sneak a look at the new logo that was 'leaked' during the week. I'm not sure leaked is the right term given that it was there on the IP Australia trademarks website for the whole world to see, but within a few hours the club were frantically running around trying to get the forums to take it down. Fair enough too, but I don't think it's such an issue that the handful of people who read forums got a look. At least the feedback was positive. Compare and contrast to the pasting the Brisbane and Adelaide cartoon slopfest logos got when they were leaked. The club might act hurt that it got out there but you can't tell me that they weren't treating the reaction as an impromptu focus group once it did.
I first saw it a couple of weeks ago but was asked to shut up about it so I did, but now that the cat is out of the bag there's no harm discussing it. The concept is sound, to toss out the idea of a cartoon Demon (including that rubbish one eyed Batman thing on our away jumper) and go to a real emblem, like a real football club. I can't fault that, and what they have come up with is pretty good. It's a little busy, but everything on there is there for a reason.
The masterstroke is the EST 1858 at the bottom, that's something we should never let anybody forget and the second piece of genius is the extract from the original rules in the background. Bugger of a thing for schoolkids to draw but a beautiful design touch. Don't forget next time some opposition peanut questions you on the rules, or suggests that we're getting a free run from the umpires, to yell "SHUT UP YOU PEASANT, WE WROTE THE BLOODY RULES". It's not our fault that everyone has ruined them over the years.
The only bit that I don't like is the Southern Cross. Even before that logo was hijacked by nationalist dickheads who drive cars with "Fuck off we're full" bumper stickers (*shudder*) it never resonated with me. Now that they're queueing up to get it tattooed on them it's even worse. Somebody has to take the symbol back from the fuckheads of society, and it may as well be fine, upstanding citizens like us but personally I'd lose that bit and it would be pretty much perfect. There's a footy on there too which looks a bit odd to me at the moment, but I'm sure it'll grow. I like the idea of not having any mention of footy on the crest/emblem/logo at all - we should insinuate that we're bigger than the sport itself.
If you haven't seen it I'll respect the club's position (maybe for the first time) and not send you a link, but suffice to say that you don't have to have Hollywood movie style "mad hack1ng skillz!?" to find it yourself. Unless of course they've wised up and changed the name of the registration from Melbourne Football Club to Jolimont Bakery or something to disguise it.
What I find interesting is that it was found by somebody who was trawling that website looking for the new Gold Coast Suns logo. They found our new emblem but never turned up the GC one. Did they just hide theirs better or was it not on there for some reason? Having seen it I probably wouldn't have even bothered trademarking it if I was them.
Franchise Watch
Speaking of the Gold Coast how much of a let down was their name? Suns joins Power as the worst nickname in the league. Dockers is a bit pox but at least waterfront workers have a storied history of shooting each other so that's got some edge to it. It's a headline writers dream but lacks that vicious "we're going to kill you" element that makes a good team name. You can forgive teams like the Swans for sticking with non-threatening ancient nicknames for historical reasons, but if you're starting a new side then at least give the fans something to get agro about. What's wrong with a good old fashioned Wildcat, Wolverine, Panther etc.. I don't care if there are no panthers here, there are no bloody Tigers either and that doesn't seem to have harmed Richmond's off-field image too badly. It's focus group thinking and it shits me to tears. It's the same reason that we've got an election between two idiots who are basically running the same campaign in different coloured jerseys. Here's hoping West Sydney are a bit more bold in their image. But I'm not the target market am I? They're trying to get 12-year-olds to ditch Rugby League and soccer, but tell me what 12-year-olds want if they don't want meaningless violence? At that age I was knocking people's digital blocks off playing Mortal Kombat (Johnny Cage fatality was fwd-fwd-fwd + high punch - keep that in mind), I can't see the kids of today firing up for throwing their XBox and whatever today's high violence video gaming equivalent is out the window to follow a team called The Suns. They didn't even get it right and include the greatest sun of all, the one on the flag of Uruguay.
And how about their song? The tune is automatically better than that of Port, Carlton, Footscray, West Coast and Freo already but the words are, predictably, terrible. It's unbelievable that after 12 seasons of "stop stop stop" "top top top" destroying the Port theme that somebody would sit down and include the lines "sun sun sun" "run run run". You're writing an anthem, not a Beach Boys song. And why would you have a line that says "We'll win the premiership for you". Do the players ever sing the song to the supporters? Of course they don't, so how stupid is that going to sound when they're in a circle singing it at the end of a game? And what sense does that line make when the fans are singing it? It might just have replaced "teamwork is the thing that talks" as the most baffling line in a club song.
Anyway, here's to them taking Miller off our hands, merging with West Sydney and relocating to Dubbo within a decade.
Next Week
Brisbane at the Gabba. Now even if we'd lost today we might have gone in favourites for this one considering just how putrid the Lions have been since we derailed their season (and plunged it straight off a bridge) on that glorious night at the MCG earlier in the year. Now that we've slapped a legitimate finals contender upside the head in spectacular fashion it's almost certain that we'll go in at a short price. If the game was being played in Melbourne you'd pencil us in, but the shadow of the great travel curse looms large. One win interstate (is it still interstate if you go to a territory? Gillard/Abbott/Brown - sort this out immediately) by one point in the last three years says to me that evil surrounds us and anything could happen. Afterall the only game they've won since we beat them was against Collingwood there, and they didn't do too badly against St Kilda so I wouldn't put your house on it yet.
Interesting to hear talk that they might drop Fev. Sure he's suffering from a terminal lack of interest, and sure he looks like he's bought a lifetime subscription to KFC but surely his record against us saves him from the chop. I know he did nothing last time but if you're going to send him off to play in the QAFL it might be worth giving him his last chance against a side that he's cut up in the past. Here's hoping that he plays, does bugger all and is given the FanFooty hamburger logo.
The rest of the year
Come 4.40pm on the last Sunday of the season I'd love to be proven wrong and for the match against North to be a pseudo-Elimination Final but I still can't see it happening. Sure, we play some utter slop in the last five weeks of the year but it would take a set of fanciful Twin Peaks-esque circumstances to get us in. Firstly we've got to win games in Brisbane AND Adelaide, instantly doubling the Bailey away win tally and snapping the Football Park curse at the same time. Then it would take the likes of Sydney, North, Carlton and Adelaide to lose every single game that they don't start favourite in. If you've got holidays booked in September there's no need to call Flight Centre and try and get a refund yet, but if we win the next two you might want to start investigating putting your dirty weekend in Penang back to sometime in October.
Final Thoughts
I bet you just as I click PUBLISH that somebody will reveal that the game was a hoax.
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Cruntry and Western
(Check back tomorrow, I might add something to this when I'm not suffering from such a terminal lack of interest)
(Nope, doesn't look like it. Missing the first quarter in traffic totally ruined my flow and the rest of the game passed in some sort of bizarre blur. The only positive to come out of the whole shambles is that Watts isn't copping the universal - undeserved may I add - shoeing I thought he'd get for missing that goal at the end. Remind me not to send this out as the review chapter for the book...)
Before the game today I jokingly said "Bet you any money we're six goals down at quarter time". Oh the hilarity, oh the shambles that followed. The upside to the whole grim setup was that I was trying to drive from Richmond to St Kilda Road to watch the game. Had I left before the Richmond/North game finished it would have taken me ten minutes and I'd have been forced to watch the whole thing. As it was the next thirty minutes was spent getting slaughtered in traffic listening to it unfold on SEN. By the time I walked in a few minutes into the second quarter it seemed like it would have been a better idea to find something else to do with a Sunday afternoon and not to waste my time on another pissweak first half effort.
But anybody who has watched us for the last couple of years should know that this is exactly the time you should start watching us, because that's when we kick goals, take risks and play bloody good football. I had other things on my mind today, couldn't take the game seriously - maybe I've hit the wall with season 2010 and it's going to be an even bigger slopfest on here than it is on the field from now on? Either way I have to admit sparking up in the third quarter when we got that run on. How good was Frawley's run out of defensive 50? How equally beautiful was the Jamar handball to Davey at the very last minute before he got wrapped up, and the dancing sidestep Flash took before he snapped the goal. We charged back into it at a million miles an hour, and the same players who looked like shite in the second quarter (and presumably the first) looked like world beaters.
Why does this always happen to us? What causes us to put together so many one goal first quarters? There's only so far you can hide behind being a 'young team' before somebody has to take the blame. Get some sports psychologist idiot in there if you have to, do a bit of watch swinging hypnotism if required. Tell them that they're in the 50's and that Bailey is Norm freaking Smith for all I care, just do something.
By three-quarter time we were back in it, but all the momentum had come and gone by the end of the term. We'd done enough to get into a position to possibly nick it, but it would have been daylight robbery
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - James Frawley
4 - Colin Sylvia
3 - Joel Macdonald
2 - Colin Garland
1 - Tom Scully
Apologies to Davey, Bail, Morton, Rivers, Green, Jones, McKenzie, Bennell, Johnson (surprisingly good..) and Jurrah
Leaderboard
33 - Brad Green
24 - James Frawley (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - James McDonald, Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
14 - Matthew Bate, Colin Sylvia
13 - Aaron Davey
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney
8 - Jordan Gysberts
7 - Jordie McKenzie
6 - Tom Scully, Lynden Dunn
5 - Ricky Petterd, Jamie Bennell
4 - Joel Macdonald
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller, Colin Garland
2 - Cameron Bruce, Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Nathan Jones
Coaches Corner
Why does Mark Harvey look like a startled owl?
Commentators Corner
Thank god for no Dwayne Russell, and no having our comeback destroyed by him screaming catchphrases to stop you from turning over to The Simpsons. Also how much would you have given to swap Gerard Healy/Glen Jakovich for Greg/Allen?
Live from Casey Fields... it's Saturday afternoon
Made the horrible mistake of not only going to arctic Cranbourne criminally underdressed but also aiming to make the second half of the two's to watch Monster Max GAWN in action for the first time. God knows what I was thinking expecting a guy who hadn't played a game in 14 months, coming off a knee injury, to play a full game in the reserves on a surface that resembled a Civil War Battlefield.
So by the time the main event started I was cold and disillusioned. With a strong wind blowing diagonally across the ground any chance of a decent contest was ruined. Maric and McNamara looked good at either end, but by the time Port got a hold of the wind in the second quarter the ball didn't go inside the Scorpions 50 for about ten minutes. The NQR boundary rider on Casey Radio said without a trace of irony, as the players trudged off for half-time, "that's one of the best halves of football we've ever seen". That was enough for me, I left and went shopping at DFO Moorabbin Airport instead. Much warmer, and I listened to most of the 3rd quarter on the way there anyway. Not sure how Miller (in #81 if you don't mind) snuck into the best - much less second best - unless he had an unreal last quarter because he was good in the first half but nothing special, certainly not better than Maric up front or McNamara down back. Football's #1 emo surely has to get a run next week, don't ask me who he dislodges but he'll be on suicide watch if he doesn't get a game soon.
Numerology for Idiots
Is it too cynical to get a #40 on my jumper next year, or an accurate reflection of the love story that stopped a nation? More importantly is being designated my favourite player going to kill his career like it has to everybody else who has ever had the distinction? The SME jumper is practically useless now that his career his going the toilet, and as much as I love Green he's more of a ladies man. The Jurrahcane is out because he stopped having a novelty number, and apart from the Philth I've never been one to support midfielders so Moloney is out. Petterd is an option, but what about going early on GAWN? The only problem is that they'll probably tease us and then make him change his number to 11 when Paul Johnson gets the arse.
More importantly aren't I getting a bit old to be indulging in this childlike footy jumper ritual? My belief is that you can wear a footy jumper until you're bald, then if you're not on the field it just looks weird.
Your suggestions on potential numbers in the comments or via Twitter (forget Gillard and Abbott, follow @demonblog).
Next Week
Sydney at the MCG on Sunday. I expect that they'll touch us up but god forbid we get off to a decent start you never know. Anything that involves not having to catch up from six goals behind would be nice. After being beaten by not disgraced by Sandilands, Jamar vs Mumford could be a one-on-one clash for the second All-Australian ruck position. See you there, I might go a bit Medallion Club and start finding other ways to amuse myself halfway through the match.
(Nope, doesn't look like it. Missing the first quarter in traffic totally ruined my flow and the rest of the game passed in some sort of bizarre blur. The only positive to come out of the whole shambles is that Watts isn't copping the universal - undeserved may I add - shoeing I thought he'd get for missing that goal at the end. Remind me not to send this out as the review chapter for the book...)
Before the game today I jokingly said "Bet you any money we're six goals down at quarter time". Oh the hilarity, oh the shambles that followed. The upside to the whole grim setup was that I was trying to drive from Richmond to St Kilda Road to watch the game. Had I left before the Richmond/North game finished it would have taken me ten minutes and I'd have been forced to watch the whole thing. As it was the next thirty minutes was spent getting slaughtered in traffic listening to it unfold on SEN. By the time I walked in a few minutes into the second quarter it seemed like it would have been a better idea to find something else to do with a Sunday afternoon and not to waste my time on another pissweak first half effort.
But anybody who has watched us for the last couple of years should know that this is exactly the time you should start watching us, because that's when we kick goals, take risks and play bloody good football. I had other things on my mind today, couldn't take the game seriously - maybe I've hit the wall with season 2010 and it's going to be an even bigger slopfest on here than it is on the field from now on? Either way I have to admit sparking up in the third quarter when we got that run on. How good was Frawley's run out of defensive 50? How equally beautiful was the Jamar handball to Davey at the very last minute before he got wrapped up, and the dancing sidestep Flash took before he snapped the goal. We charged back into it at a million miles an hour, and the same players who looked like shite in the second quarter (and presumably the first) looked like world beaters.
Why does this always happen to us? What causes us to put together so many one goal first quarters? There's only so far you can hide behind being a 'young team' before somebody has to take the blame. Get some sports psychologist idiot in there if you have to, do a bit of watch swinging hypnotism if required. Tell them that they're in the 50's and that Bailey is Norm freaking Smith for all I care, just do something.
By three-quarter time we were back in it, but all the momentum had come and gone by the end of the term. We'd done enough to get into a position to possibly nick it, but it would have been daylight robbery
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - James Frawley
4 - Colin Sylvia
3 - Joel Macdonald
2 - Colin Garland
1 - Tom Scully
Apologies to Davey, Bail, Morton, Rivers, Green, Jones, McKenzie, Bennell, Johnson (surprisingly good..) and Jurrah
Leaderboard
33 - Brad Green
24 - James Frawley (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - James McDonald, Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
14 - Matthew Bate, Colin Sylvia
13 - Aaron Davey
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney
8 - Jordan Gysberts
7 - Jordie McKenzie
6 - Tom Scully, Lynden Dunn
5 - Ricky Petterd, Jamie Bennell
4 - Joel Macdonald
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller, Colin Garland
2 - Cameron Bruce, Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Nathan Jones
Coaches Corner
Why does Mark Harvey look like a startled owl?
Commentators Corner
Thank god for no Dwayne Russell, and no having our comeback destroyed by him screaming catchphrases to stop you from turning over to The Simpsons. Also how much would you have given to swap Gerard Healy/Glen Jakovich for Greg/Allen?
Live from Casey Fields... it's Saturday afternoon
Made the horrible mistake of not only going to arctic Cranbourne criminally underdressed but also aiming to make the second half of the two's to watch Monster Max GAWN in action for the first time. God knows what I was thinking expecting a guy who hadn't played a game in 14 months, coming off a knee injury, to play a full game in the reserves on a surface that resembled a Civil War Battlefield.
So by the time the main event started I was cold and disillusioned. With a strong wind blowing diagonally across the ground any chance of a decent contest was ruined. Maric and McNamara looked good at either end, but by the time Port got a hold of the wind in the second quarter the ball didn't go inside the Scorpions 50 for about ten minutes. The NQR boundary rider on Casey Radio said without a trace of irony, as the players trudged off for half-time, "that's one of the best halves of football we've ever seen". That was enough for me, I left and went shopping at DFO Moorabbin Airport instead. Much warmer, and I listened to most of the 3rd quarter on the way there anyway. Not sure how Miller (in #81 if you don't mind) snuck into the best - much less second best - unless he had an unreal last quarter because he was good in the first half but nothing special, certainly not better than Maric up front or McNamara down back. Football's #1 emo surely has to get a run next week, don't ask me who he dislodges but he'll be on suicide watch if he doesn't get a game soon.
Numerology for Idiots
Is it too cynical to get a #40 on my jumper next year, or an accurate reflection of the love story that stopped a nation? More importantly is being designated my favourite player going to kill his career like it has to everybody else who has ever had the distinction? The SME jumper is practically useless now that his career his going the toilet, and as much as I love Green he's more of a ladies man. The Jurrahcane is out because he stopped having a novelty number, and apart from the Philth I've never been one to support midfielders so Moloney is out. Petterd is an option, but what about going early on GAWN? The only problem is that they'll probably tease us and then make him change his number to 11 when Paul Johnson gets the arse.
More importantly aren't I getting a bit old to be indulging in this childlike footy jumper ritual? My belief is that you can wear a footy jumper until you're bald, then if you're not on the field it just looks weird.
Your suggestions on potential numbers in the comments or via Twitter (forget Gillard and Abbott, follow @demonblog).
Next Week
Sydney at the MCG on Sunday. I expect that they'll touch us up but god forbid we get off to a decent start you never know. Anything that involves not having to catch up from six goals behind would be nice. After being beaten by not disgraced by Sandilands, Jamar vs Mumford could be a one-on-one clash for the second All-Australian ruck position. See you there, I might go a bit Medallion Club and start finding other ways to amuse myself halfway through the match.
Sunday, 11 July 2010
The Great Shark Hunt
Even before they thrashed us in the 2000 Grand Final I had a deep hatred of Essendon. It's never quite reached the same level of enmity that I've got with St Kilda, or latterly the Visy Blues and J**d but it's been there, seething deep inside of me ever since the day they came back from 46 points down in the last quarter to beat us in 1992. Then there was Kevin Sheedy, who I was always felt was up to something dubious. By the time Michael Long cheap-shotted Troy Simmonds on that one long day in September just under a decade ago relations were already strained to breaking point and that just finalised it. Victories over them have been few and far between. We got a cheap win in 2006, the last time they were at rock bottom, they got Scott Lucas stealing Daniher’s last match in the final ten seconds and a bunch of other wins.
So, what better time to plunge their club into football hell than on the day they celebrate the tenth anniversary of that premiership triumph? Just when the media started to get depressed that they wouldn't have a coaching roundabout to encourage this season Mark Williams' lightning fast demise has provided the blood in the water and the sharks are about to be released on Matthew Knights. For the last three years Bombers fans have been skitzo about him anyway, swinging wildly from love to hate via loathing and lust on a weekly basis. Now the pressure of not only losing to us, but of dropping to 13th on the ladder – only above Port and Richmond on percentage is about to cause talkback radio and internet forums everywhere to explode in a shower of sparks. No point listening to SEN tomorrow because all you'll hear is idiots ringing up crying about how their side gets monstrous plums again. Given the way they provided absolutely nothing to the finals last year I refuse to accept any theory that invokes finishing 8th in 2009 as a triumph. I'll bet that by 9am tomorrow Kevin Sheedy will have been everywhere giving his theories on why the side is so shit despite the fact that if he'd realised that he'd lost the plot and quit a couple of years earlier they might not be in this position right now.
Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of people really, unless of course I achieve my dream of seeing St Kilda driven into the sea by force. But thank god this isn't Bomberblog and we don't have to waste our time on other crisis clubs when we've got enough problems of our own. Except tonight we don't have any problems. Forget the generally insipid last two months of football and forget that we started the day every possible chance of finishing last again, because the world is instantly brighter and more beautiful after a win.
Finally in the sixth year of writing this crap I finally scored some sort of backhander with passes to the change rooms for before and after the match. Not from the club I may add, because I'm sure that if they knew about this site and went back for a look through the archives they'd not only ban me for life for being a negative, spiteful bastard but also launch thirteen different legal actions. They'd also recommend that I go back to school and learn to spell at a minimum grade three level, but that's beside the point.
The action pre-match is pretty much as you'd expect it to be. Seen the footage on TV of players warming up? Then you've seen it all. The only difference is that this time you can feasibly disgrace yourself by sticking your hand through the fence and grabbing a player on the arse. I spent my time in there trying to forge a psychic connection with Jack Watts to tell him that I'd had a tenner on him kicking the first goal @ 17-1 so would he be kind enough to oblige. Had absolutely no success so I'm seriously considering taking a class in Psychic Connection and Mindreading from Jamar-Moloney University in the off-season.
Maric was there as the "just in case" emergency and I think I even saw him smile at one point. Unprecedented, but fans of Emo Maric will be pleased to know that just seconds later he was back to leaning against the wall with hands in pockets looking like he was thinking about machine gunning his high school maths teacher.
Obviously we were celebrating our part in the 2000 Grand Final debacle because there was a cavalcade of ex-players in the rooms. Robbo, White (he of the least interesting Twitter account in the world), Ingerson, Brown, Nicho, Matthew Collins (underrated), Leoncelli, Powell and Anthony McDonald were present and apparently Febey, Neitz, Yze and Simmonds were all hanging around as well. No Ben Beams? You'd think he'd be dining out on the day he played in a Grand Final and got as many touches as Leon Davis. For a minute I got excited about all the old school players being around and started to dream about Philthy walking through the door. I have no concern that he didn't play for us for another four years, he should have been there just so I could go to pieces and embarrass myself in front of him.
Finding himself just four quarters of rubbish football from 15th on the ladder and a potential media frenzy of his own, Bailey stood back during the warmups and watched the magic unfold in front of him. My personal highlight was Scott West cracking full pelt kicks at Jones and Moloney who were catching them a metre and a half away. Once he'd bored of trying to snap their fingers off Westy picked up a device which looked like a cross between a Spanish Inquisition era torture implement and something you'd use to clean your pool and made them do close quarters marking practice. Then when the boxing gloves came out guess which two players were first in to beat the living bejesus out of the poor bastard holding the gloves on the other side? I'd still love for us to find a Ballantyne/Baker style arsehole player that people will hate, but at least you can be sure that we've got some legit nutcases in the side.
Bailey's major coaching masterstroke of the pre-match rev up was to make sure that the only words any of the assembled crowd could hear were "fuck", "fucking" and various other derivatives of that popular Anglo-Saxon term. You get what you deserve taking your kids into a footy locker room in the first place, but that was magnificent. Get the young un’s swearing early I say. Oh how I remember the golden day when during a family session of the Wheel Of Fortune board game I answered a four letter word starting with "C" with the new word I'd heard in the playground and duly copped a backhander.
Oh, and nobody made me sign confidentiality agreements before walking in so I can exclusively reveal that Clint Bartram totally has a tramp stamp.
So being in the rooms pre-match was all well and good for something new, and god knows it only took me 20 years to get in there, but there was no way I was going back if we didn't win, that's strictly for people who had a hand in the birth of a player or are currently having sexual relations with them. Same thing at some clubs. In the event of a win though, it's all hands on deck for the wild scenes and an opportunity not to be missed. The problem has been that for the last few years the only sides we've beaten at the MCG, or anywhere really for that matter, have either been from interstate or are called Richmond. The last time we beat the Bombers Philthy, Pickett and Chris "where are they now?" Johnson were playing for us, Courtney Johns was 'starring' for the Bombers and Chris Heffernan was in his second spell with them post-mediocre career with us.
They might be rubbish again now, but they're that special breed of rubbish where you can't tell from one week to another what side is going to turn up. They're as likely to beat a top four side one week and lose to Tooleybuc the next so who knew what was going to happen coming off a thumping by the Crows in Adelaide (been there done that) and a week of rumour about unrest between players and coaches. It certainly looked dicey for us when they kicked the first goal after Rivers stuffed up in the backline (Another week, another lost first goalkicker bet. There's no justice that the only time I've ever gotten it right was on Will Minson at a Footscray/Hawthorn game). Became even dicier when Riv took a mark just inside defensive 50 on the Olympic Stand side and kicked it out on the full so spectacularly that the ball must have only travelled inside the field of play for about half a metre before going over the line. Thank god he recovered to play a half decent game because it was the sort of horror start that can kill somebody. Warnock was pox against Adelaide but it's not like he isn't a chance to come back if Riv completely loses it.
Sylvia, back from losing half his leg to frostbite or whatever it was, got our first after five minutes once we'd steadied the ship a bit and Green got another thirty seconds later as a gift from the bumbling fools in the Bombers defence. So we’d already beaten our average first quarter score this year. On the defensive side Dunn was prominent early putting the big tag on George Oscar Bluth Watson II. Not only was Watson getting absolutely nothing himself but Dunn was carving it up around the ground. When I saw the move at the opening bounce my heart sank a bit because after two relatively successful weeks in the forward line the last thing I wanted for Dunn was for him to be thrown around the ground filling gaps again, which is pretty much what derailed his career in the first place. Luckily for one of the few times in the last couple of years a Bailey first quarter innovation came off without costing us six goals in the process. The tide is turning.
We already had two goals on the board when Jamar missed one with his first kick of the day (stay tuned because that becomes relevant later), but Green got a second and Trengove added another on either side of some Bomber idiot kicking one before the Great 50m Penalty Spree of 2010 began. And what a spree it was, almost certainly unprecedented in AFL history. Teams have probably received more in a match, but it's unlikely that any of them have ever pocketed five goals from the first five of a game. Essendon fans will wail and bemoan the over the top umpiring that caused the 50's, and in some cases they might have been right but don't hold your breath waiting for me to give any sympathy after some of the rorts we've been on the end of this year.
We copped a couple of dodgy ones today too (Ryder kneeing Jamar in the ruck contest and slapping him about the chops and still getting a free? The rubbish free to the non-nifty Essendon variety Jetta at the end of the second? Not our fault they couldn't convert from them), but there's no way either of the first two weren't there. Dunn took a mark and got pushed over, which brought him to within kicking range. He topped off a near BOG first term with the goal - thank god he's finally started to kick straight - and Trengove's goal from the 50 against non-Nifty equally justified. They might have been stiff on a couple after that, but let's face it once you've copped two goals from 50's in the first 35 minutes of a game you're going to have an epic persecution complex that makes anything look like evidence of a massive conspiracy against you. I still remember Matthew Lloyd going over in the square after Nicholson breathed on him in '03 for the free and double goal so cram it with walnuts Bombers fans, you reap what you sow.
Before we could even get to the second quarter, and the true birth of the Windy Hill Complex Theory, there was a goal at the end which was beautifully executed that it nearly caused me to crack one through the covers. With the clock having ticked over 32 minutes Bruce and Jones involved themselves in a bit of one-two handballing beauty running inside 50 for Bruce to eventually finish it off. It's usually our destiny to be stitched up in that scenario by the siren going just before somebody drops it on their boot. When the ball went through there was 8 seconds left, so I suppose we had some breathing space but a little too close to comfort for me. Still, great finish by Bruce who had an excellent game after a few shockers this year. The cavalcade of people waving him goodbye when the "Bruce to Gold Coast" rumours came out this week was well over the top, but not without some justification on the strength of his performances this year. Wouldn't be the end of my life, or even a major irritation, if he did go but today showed that there's life in him yet.
Underrated in the build-up to that goal was the flying, diagonal shepherd from Jordie McKenzie to allow Bruce through in the first place. Another solid performance from J.Mac 2.0 with seven tackles. He's an absolute solid gold certainty for an upgrade to the senior list next season and another winner that we've picked off the rookie list. Only problem is that if all these rookies keep playing well and we're forced to do the Newton/Meesen style banishment off the senior list move too many more times we'll never get a real live pick in the rookie draft again.
So, six goals in the first quarter and, forget allowing them to kick three, it was easily the best we've looked in a first term since running riot against Richmond, and even then it took us 15 minutes to get interested and start banging them home at a million miles an hour. What odds can I get from Sportsbet that by the time he finishes coaching us Bailey can break even on total scores in the first ten minutes of games? With 365 odd points to catch up on I'd spit at anything under 100-1.
God help us we even came out for the second quarter with purpose. THE JURRAHCANE took a mark, after nervously botching a couple in the first term, stuffed the kick from the pocket royally but shortly after Trengove got his (allegedly) rort assisted goal the great man ran onto one inside 50 and with no Essendon player within the same timezone sprinted into the open goal to send the crowd wild. His general field play was rusty but that's to be expected from a guy who has only played a couple of games in four months. The most important thing was that the touch of class that we remember so well from the second half of last year was still so obviously there. If he can avoid being crippled in regional South Australia during next year's pre-season and play a whole year this guy might absolutely tear the roof off the competition next year. Absolute freak.
Green got his third from another 50 (oh dear) before missing two gettable kicks in two minutes. Never mind the misses Green is absolutely carving it up at the moment. I've been going back over old posts in anticipation for Demonblog: The Book (are you a publisher? If so I promise to come up with a better name for it if you agree to publish it) and it's almost embarrassing how much I slaughtered him for being soft in 2006. It wasn't until halfway through 2007 that he (because obviously it wasn't me who was wrong) fired up and started the journey that must surely end with him becoming the next captain of the club. In the space of a year he went from a pretty boy who never lived up to his early promise barely holding a spot in a good team to a rock solid leader who you can rely on forward, middle or back. He is total football. We have a saying in my family, and so simple that I should have written it on a bedsheet and held it up to win the $250 voucher at half-time "Thank God for Brad Green". I don't even believe in god and I'm thanking him for the guy, how much more of an endorsement do you want? When he jumped across half of the Essendon backline and came up with the mark that was very nearly a religious experience for me.
So, call the engraver and get ready to stick his name next to 2011 CAPTAIN then? You won't hear me complain, but I can't dismiss Moloney so easily. No surprises that Green and Beamer were the most vocal amongst the players during the "shout slogans" portion of the warmup. Let's assume that my preferred scenario comes off and that McDonald goes around again but hands over the captaincy a'la Lyon in '98, I'm starting to sell out and feel like the co-captain scenario that I've hated all my life isn’t such a bad idea. Good thing Brisbane took it to a ridiculous degree and had four captains a few years back to make having two look a little less ridiculous. I just can't split the two at the moment, Moloney is a lifelong MFC fan who absolutely bleeds red and blue, and I'll never forget Green turning back a move to Collingwood which would probably have ended up with him becoming a superstar of the competition to stay and slog it out with the slops just as we hit rock bottom. So that's it, you can take Gillard/Abbott and the Federal Election and piss off, I'm voting Green/Moloney '11.
Last goal of the quarter came off another 50, this time to Bennell and I thought their fans might have gone absolutely spaz at this point but they were either stunned or secretly celebrating the fact that our five goal lead was going to cause Knights to get the arse. Just as I started to wonder if the umpires were ever going to start the inevitable square-up dodgy free kicks to the Bombers, Jetta got his cheap free against Moloney inside 50. Not as Nifty stuffed it up and god help up us we were 32 points in front at the long break. I'd like to say that only Melbourne could stuff up a game from that position but Port Adelaide proved that theory to be false on Friday night. The only difference was that they were playing with a howling wind and post-sacking emotion, whereas we were just playing fucking good football. Essendon were rancid going inside 50, and even when they did they missed gettable shots. After a shaky start the backline was playing well and rebounding confidently, Garland especially looked good after living on the edge in the first few minutes. Meanwhile in the middle Jamar was collecting another pair of scalps, Inglorious Basterds style, by slaughtering Ryder and Bellchambers (great name, not so great ruckman).
More importantly than his growing scalp collection The Russian went into the long break on world record pace for his kicks PB with five by half-time. He only needed two more to top that glorious day out at Etihad when he had six kicks for five goals and we lost by ten goals (don't worry readers of the future, apparently we didn't want to win). The moment the ball hit his boot for the 7th time balloons were set to fall from the roof, fireworks would go off and everybody in the stadium would get a free copy of the new Kylie single. He only had one kick in the third term to equal the record, but stay tuned because big things - and free CD's - are on the way in the fourth.
The reason he only got one kick in the third term was because Essendon spent the first ten minutes beating the shit out of us. They got the first goal within the first minute, which wasn't such a concern and then another one a minute later - which made me start to sweat a bit. The third in five minutes, cutting the margin to under three goals sent me into panic. They had more opportunities after that but thankfully for us botched them - it could have gone really, really wrong if they'd got four in a row and gotten to within ten points. Thankfully our karma pushed further into the red when Watts stuffed up a kick on the run but got one of the worst frees you'll ever see in your life for an alleged push that was nothing worse than a guy lunging to tackle and blowing air on his opponent's back as he missed. Jack, in the midst of another creditable performance, slotted the good old fashioned steadier and that was pretty much the end of Bomber resistance.
During the third Essendon finally started to get a few dodgy frees and didn't the fans love it. Not content with trying to get a 50m penalty of their own every single time one of their players took a mark they proceeded to bronx cheer every free that the Bombers got. You only get one bronx cheer, after that you're a twat. Same goes for calling for everything to be deliberate for the rest of the game after your side gets pinged for one. For all the square-ups in the world they couldn't get closer than 13 or 14 points, and by the time Green marked and converted a clutch kick for his 5th after the three-quarter time siren we'd only lost five points off our lead during the quarter. Have I ever told you how much I love that guy? Most of the time when a guy is running in to kick at goal and the siren goes off he either shanks the kick out of surprise or stops, goes back and stuffs it up. Not our Brad. Having missed two easier shots in the second he went back and thumped it through. Genius.
Now, just under five goals up going into the last quarter the two big questions were how far Demons (and on the b-side "Surely even we can't stuff this up" by the Melbourne Football Club All-Stars), and can Jamar get his 7th to trigger the mass giveaways and street parades. The question of whether we'd stuff it up was answered in the first 15 seconds of the quarter when Watts took a big hit to allow Sylvia to pick up and kick the first goal. We weren’t out of the woods yet, but it was getting closed. We messed up another couple of chances to really put the game away, Jurrah with a rusty shot on goal and Trengove hitting the post, before Bruce got his second to finish it off for good. Now, the Jamar question. The people sitting in front of us thought I was completely insane when he got a free and I loudly groaned at the handball to the player running past, but after a brief scare when Michael Hurley treated him like a taxi driver but somebody didn't give away a free, the 14 minute mark was when the great man had his great moment. A free kick from a ruck contest followed by yet another 50 and his seventh kick of the day was duly slammed home for a goal, sparking wild celebrations both at the ground and in Moscow.
Though some revellers took things too far and disgraced themselves;
On the Continental Tyres stat sheet that marks the second time that he has topped his career kicks PB with a goal. The people sitting in front of me found my utter glee at him topping the PB rather amusing. Sadly my childlike enthusiasm for this epic moment wasn’t being played for laughs, it was for witnessing history god damn it. Forget the moon landings (which weren’t faked by the US government) and the 2000 Grand Final (which was), people should take note of what they were doing this afternoon because it will come up in trivia contests for years to come.
Obviously sensing the prospect of even bigger celebrations in the future The Russian Record Holder was then benched for the rest of the quarter. From there on, with the great man taking his bows on the bench, it was pure and simple junktime slop for everybody. Great news for the 15 or so Essendon players who would have been looking over their shoulder wondering what godforsaken ground they’d be lucky to avoid visiting with the reserves next week. Finally given some space GOB Watson helped himself to a bunch of cheap touches and they got the margin all the way back to 19 points. No harm done other than to the idiots who had a double with Melbourne 25-48 as one of the legs. Thank god the Bulldogs touched up Carlton by significantly more than I had them to or there would have been bitterness. The rudest moment was when Davey took the mark and kicked the set shot - I've watched one half of the Davey family long enough to know that they're a toss of the coin from set shots at the best of times. Now was not the time to start getting it right. Rude. Still, the TAB can have small amounts of my money any time they like as long as the reason I lose is because the team wins. Shame we had to let them back into at the end, but the cue was jammed firmly in the rack fifteen minutes into the term so enjoy it for what it was, a rare moment of sheer indifference with the four points locked away.
Like an idiot I took too long to get to the rooms post-game and missed most of the action (although from the video on the website it didn't look like anybody was in there when they sung the song anyway). Cue heaps of standing around watching shirtless men do stretches. I did enjoy seeing Miller and Danny Hughes on their phones knowing 100% that they were posting to Twitter, then checking minutes later to find out that was exactly what they were doing. I was equally excited to discover that not only has former cult figure contender John Meesen got into the Twitter, but that his username is The Meesiah. Damn straight, can’t we send him to Europe and get that foot right? We want Meesen Magic at the MCG and we want it now.
Advertising Standards Tribunal Watch
Forget the sexist drivel that is "The Brut Code" and their rubbish TV ads, how's that Bet 24/7 one that they play at games where old mate gets offered a happy ending by the masseuse? Good luck explaining that to your kids if they ask what it means. As we discovered earlier in the day the only place for children to be exposed to filthy language and depraved concepts is in a football club change room.
Even more offensive is that the character in the ad was from a TV show which was on for ten minutes before being axed due to a staggering lack of interest from the viewing public. Yet somehow somebody in an advertising agency thought the concept was so amusing that they handed money over to use the character in an ad. Tremendous stupidity and I hope both the advertising agency and the betting company both go down the tubes for it.
Coaches Corner
After Richmond completed their six week transformation from "utter slop" to "half decent" (won't last) on Saturday night I had a sick fantasy that if we'd lost today the start of Bailey's press conference would go a little like this.
Reporter: "So Dean, Brad Scott and Damien Hardwick seem to be going pretty well in their first season as coach. What's wrong with you?"
*Bailey leaps the desk and strangles the reporter to death with a microphone cable*
Might still have happened I suppose, but homicide thankfully not required due to the win, which is bad news for those who believe that a few journos getting strangled might raise the quality of football reporting.
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Brad Green
4 - Mark Jamar
3 - Colin Sylvia
2 - Lynden Dunn
1 - Cameron Bruce
Apologies to Trengove, Frawley, Moloney, Cheney, Garland, Bartram, Bate (second half), McKenzie and Macdonald.
Leaderboard
Green out to a near unassailable lead in the Jakovich, and we pay out on Frawley in the Seecamp next week unless another defender gets at least four votes. Interesting none of the top five have ever lifted a Jakovich before, with defending champion Davey a massive 20 votes off the lead with seven games to go.
33 - Brad Green
23 - James McDonald, Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
19 - James Frawley (Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
14 - Matthew Bate
13 - Aaron Davey
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney, Colin Sylvia
8 - Jordan Gysberts
7 - Jordie McKenzie
6 - Lynden Dunn
5 - Ricky Petterd, Tom Scully, Jamie Bennell
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller
2 - Cameron Bruce, Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Joel MacDonald, Nathan Jones, Colin Garland
Crowd Watch
You'd think that the perceived rorts that the Bombers were subject to all day would have caused their fans to turn homicidal and burn the joint down. Maybe they did somewhere else, because in the Demonblog section of middle deck of the Ponsford they were surprisingly quiet. Guilty conscience I reckon because deep down they knew the decisions were right. The best they managed was a bit of half hearted booing at the end of the second quarter, and one guy in front of me leapt up shouting and waving his arms in the air like Jake Spencer standing the mark.
Draft Corner
5.5 wins and no more priority picks of any kind. Thank christ for that. Here's to this win closing the gate on our shameful era of existing on charity handouts…
Financial Crisis
… but speaking of handouts need I say what a good idea it is to donate to Debt Demolition? You won’t get a chicken dinner with Josh Mahoney out of it and you can’t deduct it from your taxes, but even if you can only tip in $20 everything counts. Can you imagine what we’d be like today if Gardner/McNamee had still been in charge? If there’s any reason to give it’s to say thanks to the Stynes/Schwab team who have dragged us off the canvas financially over the last two years.
Next Week
Fremantle in Perth. Well, we all know what's going to happen there don't we? Surely the Dockers won't let themselves get dudded at home after dropping a match to Richmond. Either way the irresistible clash is going to be Jamar vs Sandilands - surely The Russian is already a cert to at least make the All-Australian bench, but if he wins the big clash next week then he's got to at least be in contention for the top job. If you'd told me I'd be writing that two years ago I'd have had you committed under the Mental Health Act 1986. The world is an amazing place.
Final Thoughts
Right now we're only 1% closer to 16th than 8th. Stop the season, I'll take 11th.
So, what better time to plunge their club into football hell than on the day they celebrate the tenth anniversary of that premiership triumph? Just when the media started to get depressed that they wouldn't have a coaching roundabout to encourage this season Mark Williams' lightning fast demise has provided the blood in the water and the sharks are about to be released on Matthew Knights. For the last three years Bombers fans have been skitzo about him anyway, swinging wildly from love to hate via loathing and lust on a weekly basis. Now the pressure of not only losing to us, but of dropping to 13th on the ladder – only above Port and Richmond on percentage is about to cause talkback radio and internet forums everywhere to explode in a shower of sparks. No point listening to SEN tomorrow because all you'll hear is idiots ringing up crying about how their side gets monstrous plums again. Given the way they provided absolutely nothing to the finals last year I refuse to accept any theory that invokes finishing 8th in 2009 as a triumph. I'll bet that by 9am tomorrow Kevin Sheedy will have been everywhere giving his theories on why the side is so shit despite the fact that if he'd realised that he'd lost the plot and quit a couple of years earlier they might not be in this position right now.
Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of people really, unless of course I achieve my dream of seeing St Kilda driven into the sea by force. But thank god this isn't Bomberblog and we don't have to waste our time on other crisis clubs when we've got enough problems of our own. Except tonight we don't have any problems. Forget the generally insipid last two months of football and forget that we started the day every possible chance of finishing last again, because the world is instantly brighter and more beautiful after a win.
Finally in the sixth year of writing this crap I finally scored some sort of backhander with passes to the change rooms for before and after the match. Not from the club I may add, because I'm sure that if they knew about this site and went back for a look through the archives they'd not only ban me for life for being a negative, spiteful bastard but also launch thirteen different legal actions. They'd also recommend that I go back to school and learn to spell at a minimum grade three level, but that's beside the point.
The action pre-match is pretty much as you'd expect it to be. Seen the footage on TV of players warming up? Then you've seen it all. The only difference is that this time you can feasibly disgrace yourself by sticking your hand through the fence and grabbing a player on the arse. I spent my time in there trying to forge a psychic connection with Jack Watts to tell him that I'd had a tenner on him kicking the first goal @ 17-1 so would he be kind enough to oblige. Had absolutely no success so I'm seriously considering taking a class in Psychic Connection and Mindreading from Jamar-Moloney University in the off-season.
Maric was there as the "just in case" emergency and I think I even saw him smile at one point. Unprecedented, but fans of Emo Maric will be pleased to know that just seconds later he was back to leaning against the wall with hands in pockets looking like he was thinking about machine gunning his high school maths teacher.
Obviously we were celebrating our part in the 2000 Grand Final debacle because there was a cavalcade of ex-players in the rooms. Robbo, White (he of the least interesting Twitter account in the world), Ingerson, Brown, Nicho, Matthew Collins (underrated), Leoncelli, Powell and Anthony McDonald were present and apparently Febey, Neitz, Yze and Simmonds were all hanging around as well. No Ben Beams? You'd think he'd be dining out on the day he played in a Grand Final and got as many touches as Leon Davis. For a minute I got excited about all the old school players being around and started to dream about Philthy walking through the door. I have no concern that he didn't play for us for another four years, he should have been there just so I could go to pieces and embarrass myself in front of him.
Finding himself just four quarters of rubbish football from 15th on the ladder and a potential media frenzy of his own, Bailey stood back during the warmups and watched the magic unfold in front of him. My personal highlight was Scott West cracking full pelt kicks at Jones and Moloney who were catching them a metre and a half away. Once he'd bored of trying to snap their fingers off Westy picked up a device which looked like a cross between a Spanish Inquisition era torture implement and something you'd use to clean your pool and made them do close quarters marking practice. Then when the boxing gloves came out guess which two players were first in to beat the living bejesus out of the poor bastard holding the gloves on the other side? I'd still love for us to find a Ballantyne/Baker style arsehole player that people will hate, but at least you can be sure that we've got some legit nutcases in the side.
Bailey's major coaching masterstroke of the pre-match rev up was to make sure that the only words any of the assembled crowd could hear were "fuck", "fucking" and various other derivatives of that popular Anglo-Saxon term. You get what you deserve taking your kids into a footy locker room in the first place, but that was magnificent. Get the young un’s swearing early I say. Oh how I remember the golden day when during a family session of the Wheel Of Fortune board game I answered a four letter word starting with "C" with the new word I'd heard in the playground and duly copped a backhander.
Oh, and nobody made me sign confidentiality agreements before walking in so I can exclusively reveal that Clint Bartram totally has a tramp stamp.
So being in the rooms pre-match was all well and good for something new, and god knows it only took me 20 years to get in there, but there was no way I was going back if we didn't win, that's strictly for people who had a hand in the birth of a player or are currently having sexual relations with them. Same thing at some clubs. In the event of a win though, it's all hands on deck for the wild scenes and an opportunity not to be missed. The problem has been that for the last few years the only sides we've beaten at the MCG, or anywhere really for that matter, have either been from interstate or are called Richmond. The last time we beat the Bombers Philthy, Pickett and Chris "where are they now?" Johnson were playing for us, Courtney Johns was 'starring' for the Bombers and Chris Heffernan was in his second spell with them post-mediocre career with us.
They might be rubbish again now, but they're that special breed of rubbish where you can't tell from one week to another what side is going to turn up. They're as likely to beat a top four side one week and lose to Tooleybuc the next so who knew what was going to happen coming off a thumping by the Crows in Adelaide (been there done that) and a week of rumour about unrest between players and coaches. It certainly looked dicey for us when they kicked the first goal after Rivers stuffed up in the backline (Another week, another lost first goalkicker bet. There's no justice that the only time I've ever gotten it right was on Will Minson at a Footscray/Hawthorn game). Became even dicier when Riv took a mark just inside defensive 50 on the Olympic Stand side and kicked it out on the full so spectacularly that the ball must have only travelled inside the field of play for about half a metre before going over the line. Thank god he recovered to play a half decent game because it was the sort of horror start that can kill somebody. Warnock was pox against Adelaide but it's not like he isn't a chance to come back if Riv completely loses it.
Sylvia, back from losing half his leg to frostbite or whatever it was, got our first after five minutes once we'd steadied the ship a bit and Green got another thirty seconds later as a gift from the bumbling fools in the Bombers defence. So we’d already beaten our average first quarter score this year. On the defensive side Dunn was prominent early putting the big tag on George Oscar Bluth Watson II. Not only was Watson getting absolutely nothing himself but Dunn was carving it up around the ground. When I saw the move at the opening bounce my heart sank a bit because after two relatively successful weeks in the forward line the last thing I wanted for Dunn was for him to be thrown around the ground filling gaps again, which is pretty much what derailed his career in the first place. Luckily for one of the few times in the last couple of years a Bailey first quarter innovation came off without costing us six goals in the process. The tide is turning.
We already had two goals on the board when Jamar missed one with his first kick of the day (stay tuned because that becomes relevant later), but Green got a second and Trengove added another on either side of some Bomber idiot kicking one before the Great 50m Penalty Spree of 2010 began. And what a spree it was, almost certainly unprecedented in AFL history. Teams have probably received more in a match, but it's unlikely that any of them have ever pocketed five goals from the first five of a game. Essendon fans will wail and bemoan the over the top umpiring that caused the 50's, and in some cases they might have been right but don't hold your breath waiting for me to give any sympathy after some of the rorts we've been on the end of this year.
We copped a couple of dodgy ones today too (Ryder kneeing Jamar in the ruck contest and slapping him about the chops and still getting a free? The rubbish free to the non-nifty Essendon variety Jetta at the end of the second? Not our fault they couldn't convert from them), but there's no way either of the first two weren't there. Dunn took a mark and got pushed over, which brought him to within kicking range. He topped off a near BOG first term with the goal - thank god he's finally started to kick straight - and Trengove's goal from the 50 against non-Nifty equally justified. They might have been stiff on a couple after that, but let's face it once you've copped two goals from 50's in the first 35 minutes of a game you're going to have an epic persecution complex that makes anything look like evidence of a massive conspiracy against you. I still remember Matthew Lloyd going over in the square after Nicholson breathed on him in '03 for the free and double goal so cram it with walnuts Bombers fans, you reap what you sow.
Before we could even get to the second quarter, and the true birth of the Windy Hill Complex Theory, there was a goal at the end which was beautifully executed that it nearly caused me to crack one through the covers. With the clock having ticked over 32 minutes Bruce and Jones involved themselves in a bit of one-two handballing beauty running inside 50 for Bruce to eventually finish it off. It's usually our destiny to be stitched up in that scenario by the siren going just before somebody drops it on their boot. When the ball went through there was 8 seconds left, so I suppose we had some breathing space but a little too close to comfort for me. Still, great finish by Bruce who had an excellent game after a few shockers this year. The cavalcade of people waving him goodbye when the "Bruce to Gold Coast" rumours came out this week was well over the top, but not without some justification on the strength of his performances this year. Wouldn't be the end of my life, or even a major irritation, if he did go but today showed that there's life in him yet.
Underrated in the build-up to that goal was the flying, diagonal shepherd from Jordie McKenzie to allow Bruce through in the first place. Another solid performance from J.Mac 2.0 with seven tackles. He's an absolute solid gold certainty for an upgrade to the senior list next season and another winner that we've picked off the rookie list. Only problem is that if all these rookies keep playing well and we're forced to do the Newton/Meesen style banishment off the senior list move too many more times we'll never get a real live pick in the rookie draft again.
So, six goals in the first quarter and, forget allowing them to kick three, it was easily the best we've looked in a first term since running riot against Richmond, and even then it took us 15 minutes to get interested and start banging them home at a million miles an hour. What odds can I get from Sportsbet that by the time he finishes coaching us Bailey can break even on total scores in the first ten minutes of games? With 365 odd points to catch up on I'd spit at anything under 100-1.
God help us we even came out for the second quarter with purpose. THE JURRAHCANE took a mark, after nervously botching a couple in the first term, stuffed the kick from the pocket royally but shortly after Trengove got his (allegedly) rort assisted goal the great man ran onto one inside 50 and with no Essendon player within the same timezone sprinted into the open goal to send the crowd wild. His general field play was rusty but that's to be expected from a guy who has only played a couple of games in four months. The most important thing was that the touch of class that we remember so well from the second half of last year was still so obviously there. If he can avoid being crippled in regional South Australia during next year's pre-season and play a whole year this guy might absolutely tear the roof off the competition next year. Absolute freak.
Green got his third from another 50 (oh dear) before missing two gettable kicks in two minutes. Never mind the misses Green is absolutely carving it up at the moment. I've been going back over old posts in anticipation for Demonblog: The Book (are you a publisher? If so I promise to come up with a better name for it if you agree to publish it) and it's almost embarrassing how much I slaughtered him for being soft in 2006. It wasn't until halfway through 2007 that he (because obviously it wasn't me who was wrong) fired up and started the journey that must surely end with him becoming the next captain of the club. In the space of a year he went from a pretty boy who never lived up to his early promise barely holding a spot in a good team to a rock solid leader who you can rely on forward, middle or back. He is total football. We have a saying in my family, and so simple that I should have written it on a bedsheet and held it up to win the $250 voucher at half-time "Thank God for Brad Green". I don't even believe in god and I'm thanking him for the guy, how much more of an endorsement do you want? When he jumped across half of the Essendon backline and came up with the mark that was very nearly a religious experience for me.
So, call the engraver and get ready to stick his name next to 2011 CAPTAIN then? You won't hear me complain, but I can't dismiss Moloney so easily. No surprises that Green and Beamer were the most vocal amongst the players during the "shout slogans" portion of the warmup. Let's assume that my preferred scenario comes off and that McDonald goes around again but hands over the captaincy a'la Lyon in '98, I'm starting to sell out and feel like the co-captain scenario that I've hated all my life isn’t such a bad idea. Good thing Brisbane took it to a ridiculous degree and had four captains a few years back to make having two look a little less ridiculous. I just can't split the two at the moment, Moloney is a lifelong MFC fan who absolutely bleeds red and blue, and I'll never forget Green turning back a move to Collingwood which would probably have ended up with him becoming a superstar of the competition to stay and slog it out with the slops just as we hit rock bottom. So that's it, you can take Gillard/Abbott and the Federal Election and piss off, I'm voting Green/Moloney '11.
Last goal of the quarter came off another 50, this time to Bennell and I thought their fans might have gone absolutely spaz at this point but they were either stunned or secretly celebrating the fact that our five goal lead was going to cause Knights to get the arse. Just as I started to wonder if the umpires were ever going to start the inevitable square-up dodgy free kicks to the Bombers, Jetta got his cheap free against Moloney inside 50. Not as Nifty stuffed it up and god help up us we were 32 points in front at the long break. I'd like to say that only Melbourne could stuff up a game from that position but Port Adelaide proved that theory to be false on Friday night. The only difference was that they were playing with a howling wind and post-sacking emotion, whereas we were just playing fucking good football. Essendon were rancid going inside 50, and even when they did they missed gettable shots. After a shaky start the backline was playing well and rebounding confidently, Garland especially looked good after living on the edge in the first few minutes. Meanwhile in the middle Jamar was collecting another pair of scalps, Inglorious Basterds style, by slaughtering Ryder and Bellchambers (great name, not so great ruckman).
More importantly than his growing scalp collection The Russian went into the long break on world record pace for his kicks PB with five by half-time. He only needed two more to top that glorious day out at Etihad when he had six kicks for five goals and we lost by ten goals (don't worry readers of the future, apparently we didn't want to win). The moment the ball hit his boot for the 7th time balloons were set to fall from the roof, fireworks would go off and everybody in the stadium would get a free copy of the new Kylie single. He only had one kick in the third term to equal the record, but stay tuned because big things - and free CD's - are on the way in the fourth.
The reason he only got one kick in the third term was because Essendon spent the first ten minutes beating the shit out of us. They got the first goal within the first minute, which wasn't such a concern and then another one a minute later - which made me start to sweat a bit. The third in five minutes, cutting the margin to under three goals sent me into panic. They had more opportunities after that but thankfully for us botched them - it could have gone really, really wrong if they'd got four in a row and gotten to within ten points. Thankfully our karma pushed further into the red when Watts stuffed up a kick on the run but got one of the worst frees you'll ever see in your life for an alleged push that was nothing worse than a guy lunging to tackle and blowing air on his opponent's back as he missed. Jack, in the midst of another creditable performance, slotted the good old fashioned steadier and that was pretty much the end of Bomber resistance.
During the third Essendon finally started to get a few dodgy frees and didn't the fans love it. Not content with trying to get a 50m penalty of their own every single time one of their players took a mark they proceeded to bronx cheer every free that the Bombers got. You only get one bronx cheer, after that you're a twat. Same goes for calling for everything to be deliberate for the rest of the game after your side gets pinged for one. For all the square-ups in the world they couldn't get closer than 13 or 14 points, and by the time Green marked and converted a clutch kick for his 5th after the three-quarter time siren we'd only lost five points off our lead during the quarter. Have I ever told you how much I love that guy? Most of the time when a guy is running in to kick at goal and the siren goes off he either shanks the kick out of surprise or stops, goes back and stuffs it up. Not our Brad. Having missed two easier shots in the second he went back and thumped it through. Genius.
Now, just under five goals up going into the last quarter the two big questions were how far Demons (and on the b-side "Surely even we can't stuff this up" by the Melbourne Football Club All-Stars), and can Jamar get his 7th to trigger the mass giveaways and street parades. The question of whether we'd stuff it up was answered in the first 15 seconds of the quarter when Watts took a big hit to allow Sylvia to pick up and kick the first goal. We weren’t out of the woods yet, but it was getting closed. We messed up another couple of chances to really put the game away, Jurrah with a rusty shot on goal and Trengove hitting the post, before Bruce got his second to finish it off for good. Now, the Jamar question. The people sitting in front of us thought I was completely insane when he got a free and I loudly groaned at the handball to the player running past, but after a brief scare when Michael Hurley treated him like a taxi driver but somebody didn't give away a free, the 14 minute mark was when the great man had his great moment. A free kick from a ruck contest followed by yet another 50 and his seventh kick of the day was duly slammed home for a goal, sparking wild celebrations both at the ground and in Moscow.
Though some revellers took things too far and disgraced themselves;
On the Continental Tyres stat sheet that marks the second time that he has topped his career kicks PB with a goal. The people sitting in front of me found my utter glee at him topping the PB rather amusing. Sadly my childlike enthusiasm for this epic moment wasn’t being played for laughs, it was for witnessing history god damn it. Forget the moon landings (which weren’t faked by the US government) and the 2000 Grand Final (which was), people should take note of what they were doing this afternoon because it will come up in trivia contests for years to come.
Obviously sensing the prospect of even bigger celebrations in the future The Russian Record Holder was then benched for the rest of the quarter. From there on, with the great man taking his bows on the bench, it was pure and simple junktime slop for everybody. Great news for the 15 or so Essendon players who would have been looking over their shoulder wondering what godforsaken ground they’d be lucky to avoid visiting with the reserves next week. Finally given some space GOB Watson helped himself to a bunch of cheap touches and they got the margin all the way back to 19 points. No harm done other than to the idiots who had a double with Melbourne 25-48 as one of the legs. Thank god the Bulldogs touched up Carlton by significantly more than I had them to or there would have been bitterness. The rudest moment was when Davey took the mark and kicked the set shot - I've watched one half of the Davey family long enough to know that they're a toss of the coin from set shots at the best of times. Now was not the time to start getting it right. Rude. Still, the TAB can have small amounts of my money any time they like as long as the reason I lose is because the team wins. Shame we had to let them back into at the end, but the cue was jammed firmly in the rack fifteen minutes into the term so enjoy it for what it was, a rare moment of sheer indifference with the four points locked away.
Like an idiot I took too long to get to the rooms post-game and missed most of the action (although from the video on the website it didn't look like anybody was in there when they sung the song anyway). Cue heaps of standing around watching shirtless men do stretches. I did enjoy seeing Miller and Danny Hughes on their phones knowing 100% that they were posting to Twitter, then checking minutes later to find out that was exactly what they were doing. I was equally excited to discover that not only has former cult figure contender John Meesen got into the Twitter, but that his username is The Meesiah. Damn straight, can’t we send him to Europe and get that foot right? We want Meesen Magic at the MCG and we want it now.
Advertising Standards Tribunal Watch
Forget the sexist drivel that is "The Brut Code" and their rubbish TV ads, how's that Bet 24/7 one that they play at games where old mate gets offered a happy ending by the masseuse? Good luck explaining that to your kids if they ask what it means. As we discovered earlier in the day the only place for children to be exposed to filthy language and depraved concepts is in a football club change room.
Even more offensive is that the character in the ad was from a TV show which was on for ten minutes before being axed due to a staggering lack of interest from the viewing public. Yet somehow somebody in an advertising agency thought the concept was so amusing that they handed money over to use the character in an ad. Tremendous stupidity and I hope both the advertising agency and the betting company both go down the tubes for it.
Coaches Corner
After Richmond completed their six week transformation from "utter slop" to "half decent" (won't last) on Saturday night I had a sick fantasy that if we'd lost today the start of Bailey's press conference would go a little like this.
Reporter: "So Dean, Brad Scott and Damien Hardwick seem to be going pretty well in their first season as coach. What's wrong with you?"
*Bailey leaps the desk and strangles the reporter to death with a microphone cable*
Might still have happened I suppose, but homicide thankfully not required due to the win, which is bad news for those who believe that a few journos getting strangled might raise the quality of football reporting.
2010 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Brad Green
4 - Mark Jamar
3 - Colin Sylvia
2 - Lynden Dunn
1 - Cameron Bruce
Apologies to Trengove, Frawley, Moloney, Cheney, Garland, Bartram, Bate (second half), McKenzie and Macdonald.
Leaderboard
Green out to a near unassailable lead in the Jakovich, and we pay out on Frawley in the Seecamp next week unless another defender gets at least four votes. Interesting none of the top five have ever lifted a Jakovich before, with defending champion Davey a massive 20 votes off the lead with seven games to go.
33 - Brad Green
23 - James McDonald, Mark Jamar (WINNER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
19 - James Frawley (Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
14 - Matthew Bate
13 - Aaron Davey
12 - Jack Grimes
11 - Jack Trengove (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brent Moloney, Colin Sylvia
8 - Jordan Gysberts
7 - Jordie McKenzie
6 - Lynden Dunn
5 - Ricky Petterd, Tom Scully, Jamie Bennell
3 - Matthew Warnock, Brad Miller
2 - Cameron Bruce, Neville Jetta, Clint Bartram, Jack Watts
1 - Jared Rivers, Joel MacDonald, Nathan Jones, Colin Garland
Crowd Watch
You'd think that the perceived rorts that the Bombers were subject to all day would have caused their fans to turn homicidal and burn the joint down. Maybe they did somewhere else, because in the Demonblog section of middle deck of the Ponsford they were surprisingly quiet. Guilty conscience I reckon because deep down they knew the decisions were right. The best they managed was a bit of half hearted booing at the end of the second quarter, and one guy in front of me leapt up shouting and waving his arms in the air like Jake Spencer standing the mark.
Draft Corner
5.5 wins and no more priority picks of any kind. Thank christ for that. Here's to this win closing the gate on our shameful era of existing on charity handouts…
Financial Crisis
… but speaking of handouts need I say what a good idea it is to donate to Debt Demolition? You won’t get a chicken dinner with Josh Mahoney out of it and you can’t deduct it from your taxes, but even if you can only tip in $20 everything counts. Can you imagine what we’d be like today if Gardner/McNamee had still been in charge? If there’s any reason to give it’s to say thanks to the Stynes/Schwab team who have dragged us off the canvas financially over the last two years.
Next Week
Fremantle in Perth. Well, we all know what's going to happen there don't we? Surely the Dockers won't let themselves get dudded at home after dropping a match to Richmond. Either way the irresistible clash is going to be Jamar vs Sandilands - surely The Russian is already a cert to at least make the All-Australian bench, but if he wins the big clash next week then he's got to at least be in contention for the top job. If you'd told me I'd be writing that two years ago I'd have had you committed under the Mental Health Act 1986. The world is an amazing place.
Final Thoughts
Right now we're only 1% closer to 16th than 8th. Stop the season, I'll take 11th.
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