Now that the AFL season is one long quest for clickbait, it's harder than ever to find a glamour match. Despite our status as the league's #1 surprise packet, and a sudden ability to score 100 points while not looking overly impressive, this was never going to have neutrals queuing around the block for a ticket. And that's before it pissed down for 75% of the afternoon.
Even Richmond fans couldn't be bothered, making up a pittance of the alleged 32,000 in attendance. Can't blame them. If you offered three flags in exchange for several years of putrid football afterwards I'd sign before reading the contract, but it would be hard to feign excitement for the long, tedious process of losing to everyone while rebuilding. It was one thing suffering through the depths of the #fistedforever years when there was a half chance of the club carking it before returning to finals, I can't imagine what it's like to go from Dustin Martin et al to an injury-ravaged side that's 25% premiership heroes on their lap of honour, and 75% raw kids with stuff all in the middle.
The good news for newly long-suffering Tigers fans is that if there's any finals contender they could rely on not to heap further misery on their 2-14, worst percentage in the competition season, it was us. At the start of the season I thought we'd wreck a team eventually, but it's been a year of letting the underprivileged down gently. We're now finished with our games against the league's undisputed worst sides and have beaten Richmond x2, West Coast x1 and Essendon x1 without ever going too far over the top.
Other than the massive Sydney '93 style anomaly of letting one of them win their only game for the year, there's no serious grounds for complaint. In another universe we'd struggle to win four times all season, so I'm grateful/somewhat astonished to be in the frame to make the real finals. Still plenty of action before we know that for sure, but a foothold has been established, and I'm extremely grateful to coaches and players alike for that.
Doesn't mean you'd ever watch the replay of this again. It was a professional win, where we put down brief early resistance to do as expected without over-extension, injuries or suspension. Obviously, I'd love to have piled on 10 goals to nil in the last quarter and cracked the ton but until we get tipped out of some important ladder position by the barest of percentage margins, then a good old fashioned four points will do me nicely.
No matter how far the ledger is tipped in our favour, I've always got a "this could go horribly wrong" feeling. This wasn't helped by first losing Fritsch, then Petty to mystery injuries. Just as the former got back into goalkicking form, and the latter returned to play an important part in our forward line. We shouldn't have needed them against the reigning worst defence in the competition - and didn't - but the panic button part of my brain wanted to believe danger was afoot. That we'd somehow combine reduced forward power and wet weather to lose 58-52 in a reverse of Essendon 2012. It never went close, but you know the only saying about following Melbourne - best to think the worst and be pleasantly surprised.
During the week I annoyed a Richmond fan by accidentally saying Melbourne "Just need to beat the shit teams", and was subject to a lecture about how they're "not shit" but [insert list of excuses]. Sorry but you've won nine games in three seasons, it's best to accept your place in life. Doesn't mean it will be that way forever, but carrying on about promising young players and injuries doesn't detract from the fact that right now your senior coach has a worse win/loss record than Mark Neeld.
I'm not here to solve Richmond's problems, because other than Adem Yze's feelings I don't care, but they're really lacking the Bernie Vince/Daniel Cross/Jordan Lewis style experienced ring-ins from other sides. Yay for having several multiple-time premiership players in the side, but surely they're all depressed by now. They need players with a couple of years left and something to prove to bridge the gap between promising kids and fading veterans. Good luck with that, feel free to keep losing to us twice a year for another few seasons.
The only thing Outraged Richmond Man got right was saying "van Rooyen will kick goals against us". Though the logic that "he always does" was a bit faulty. By this point I was desperate to escape the conversation so I didn't argue it at the time, even though Petty was the only person I remember kicking anything close to a bag against the Tiges in their declining years. Turned out it was cobblers, unless you stop the clock at 2023, when JVR got seven of his eight previous career goals against Richmond. But he got plenty here, and that's all that mattered.
When van Rooyen beat his opponent all-ends-up for the first mark and goal it looked like he might double his career tally against Richmond in the first half alone. For the first five minutes all the play was at our end, and there was the definite hint of floodgate opening. Before, in a none-more-Melbourne twist, we found ourselves trailing, courtesy of failure to press home advantage. This came via the scrappiest lead-up play to a goal you'll ever see, then a first gamer called 'Peucker' doing his own goal assist by botching a bounce that propelled the ball forward enough to allow him to keep running, regather and kick it.
We remain vulnerable to quick transition, but I can't take teams succeeding by propelling the ball forward by any means necessary. The positive is that good teams don't play like this, so as long as we make finals it won't be fatal. They should've kept doing this, it was more successful than trying to kick goals properly - at which point Lever/Turner went into Lever/May overdrive and stopped everything. And when ball hit ground off went Bowey in the opposite direction at 100km/h, without an opponent in the vicinity. This was all very nice, but it was telling how much less dangerous we looked whenever Gawn went off.
Late second ruck entrant Johnson had a crack, as you'd expect from somebody who looks like Nathan Jones' evil twin, but our reliance on Max - even when playing a good but not great game - is... interesting? It's not a bad thing for the 85% of the 100% of games when he's on the ground, but it won't be an earthshaking surprise when eventually our season dies because we concede three goals in three minutes while he's having a rest. You could get away with it here, but there are vastly bigger tests to come.
Meanwhile, the even later late change Jake Melksham is now into the top 10 of oldest players to ever take the field for Melbourne, and after looking half-shot in his previous two appearances, he spent the first quarter launching a bid for the best ever performance by somebody not originally named in the side. He set up van Rooyen's first, kicked two of his own, and was in full 'winding back of clock' mode before not doing a lot more than missing a couple of set shots but it was still very enjoyable. The Hollywood ending of him and May tearfully reuniting on the dais post-flag is finished, but even if he's best relied on as one of the moving parts rather than a single-handed match winner, he could still contribute to surprise finals action.
Otherwise, the first quarter was about as casual as we're ever going to be in opening a game with five goals. It was simply good, solid stuff, quietly shutting the door on a side who deserved to have it slammed in their face. The only real let down was when, after van Rooyen's second, we stormed out of the middle for Jefferson to mark 40 metres out, directly in front for what should've been a double. He missed this, and his next two set shots as well, but I'll take somebody who knows how to get the ball but can't kick straight over a key forward who is accurate but needs to be ball delivered on a first-class silver platter every time.
The straight kicking will either come with experience and confidence, and until then he's convincing enough in the air that it forces the opposition to pay him attention, instead of all swarming towards JVR whenever the ball goes inside 50. In a Mihocek-less end to the season, playing decoy for the main event and chipping in with goals here could make him an important player at the spicy end of the season. A van Rooyen/Jefferson/Petty tall forward group is the dictionary definition of 'unconventional', but I can see it working - if we can tighten up the crumb when they don't mark it.
After barging into the 'best player in the universe' conversation, Pickett (K) has been off for a few weeks, and we really need to reintroduce his terrifying, existential threat to defences whenever he has the ball within 60 metres. Otherwise, the small forwards and forward-adjacent players are a bit meh at the moment. Laurie and Pickett (L) aren't making enough chances, Chandler is doing a lot of good work further up the ground, Sharp has slowed down in the last few weeks etc.. etc.. It's not bad that we've got things to improve on at this stage of the year, better than unexpectedly sitting sixth on the ladder after 18 rounds courtesy of absolutely everything going right, with no room for error.
Richmond came out full of excitement for the second quarter, but got stuff all reward for it before the momentum ground to a halt, and Gawn nudged the famous door a little bit closer to shut with the first goal of the term. We missed a few chances to start clobbering their brains out, before Bowey turned up for one of his rare but always appreciated Howitzer blasts from outside 50, then JVR added two at the end. The sense that the Tigers had done their bit and were satisfied to escape without getting thrashed was helped by us immediately cancelling out their only goal of the quarter. Nothing about this was vintage, but it was good enough for where we're at. What about we keep winning in solid but unspectacular fashion, then launch another surprise outburst of bulk scoring in September?
The weather clearly had a sense of humour, because after pissing down at random during the first half, the rain stopped during the half-time break until exactly the point when the players came back after half time. These were not conditions conducive for launching a landslide win, but nor was a hapless opposition likely to wind back a five goal deficit after not kicking that in total during the first half. But even with an opposition 20,000 leagues under the sea compared to last week, the fear of another second half collapse was still active in the darkest corners of my mind. This made no sense, but I can't help who I am.
There was another brief start of quarter rally by the opposition, which came to nothing because they couldn't kick goals for shit. We've all been there, and while I'm sure their players were just happy to not be conceding in bulk at the other end, it's depressing to watch as a fan. Better anyone than us. We ultimately got four goals - and I've seen us kick less in a full game - but the motions were certainly being gone through. I'm glad Jefferson converted his set shot, because he appears to be a 100% confidence player and kicking 0.3 with one OOF may have set him back a year.
In an accurate preview of how the game was going to end, the kid chosen to run for Lego at three quarter time realised there was no way he could lose and walked to victory without breaking a sweat. When JVR kicked his fifth in the opening minute, there was briefly the sense that we might be about to make up for last week by unloading a full (Jacob van) rooting on them, before it turned into us keeping our powder dry for the important stuff, and Richmond attempting to avoid being dragged into a 'sad music' montage on AFL360.
We let them get four consolation goals, which wasn't ideal but hardly anything to keep you awake at night thinking about. The star of the last quarter was Joel Fitzgerald, the man who the word 'coalface' was invented for, who kept racking up possessions left, right and centre. Unless the ex-Williamstownian is miserable about having to drive to Cranbourne all the time, I dare say it won't be long until he'll be getting an extension beyond the standard mid-season draftee contract - especially as Sparrow inches closer to the end of the year, and a lucrative date with free agency, with no sign of a deal.
After becoming the first Melbourne player with back-to-back five goal haul since Jesse Hogan (remember him?) in 2018, the best bit about the final term was van Rooyen equalling his personal best with a sixth. If you prefer your analysis in the format of 'actual', rather than me going entirely off the vibe, here's an explanation of his performance beyond just "look at that guy thrashing some hapless defenders". Featuring a presenter with a very large television, continuously being interrupted by Kayo while trying to make a point. He's stuffed when they start making you watch ads after every unpause, so enjoy it while you can.
Developing as a key forward is all about what strings can you add to the bow.
— Davisjarra (@davisjarrafooty) July 12, 2026
As a junior, usually the key forwards are levels above their opponent that it doesn’t really matter what sort of ball comes into them, they’ll make it work.
That doesn’t work in the AFL, so… pic.twitter.com/5xkmI8N7LC
And, err, that was it. We won the last quarter because Sharp kicked a goal after the siren, and if anyone was disappointed that they had to listen to the Grand Old Flag instead of Sweet Caroline, I challenge you to a fight outside Gate 4.
I don't want to sound blase about a win, because I appreciate them all more than you'll ever know, but this was just another banana skin to be avoided while we wait for the important stuff to begin. I still don't believe our form is sustainable against top sides, but at this point everything is a bonus so all aboard the wild ride and let's hope for something truly silly to happen at the end of the year.
2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jake Bowey
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Jake Lever
2 - Daniel Turner
1 - Joel Fitzgerald
Massive apologies to Chandler and Sparrow. Lesser apologies to Gawn, Howes, Jiath, Langdon, Melksham and Steele
Leaderboard
No votes for the top four, but the big news is that we finally have a leader in what can now be revealed - as if it hadn't been given away in a pre-season post nobody read - as the Nathan Jones Rising Star Award. The unprecedented scenario of a mid-season draftee potentially winning has thrown the pre-season betting markets into disarray, but what we know right now is that the dreaded 'NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER' result is off the table.
The only other interest is in the Seecamp, where Turner both gets votes, and loses ground to the fast finishing Bowey. Otherwise, there's 30 votes left in the Home and Away season + god only knows what to follow. It means the line of doom is snaking up the leaderboard, but also that every week Pickett doesn't gain ground on Gawn, the chances of Max romping to a big win increase. Watch this space.
48 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
32 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Tom Sparrow
23 - Jack Steele
20 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
18 - Jacob van Rooyen
--- Needs at least one final ---
14 - Jake Bowey
13 - Ed Langdon
--- Needs at least two finals ---
12 - Harvey Langford
9 - Kade Chandler
8 - Jake Lever
--- Needs at least three finals ---
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
--- Come on, let's not get silly about this now ---
2 - Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Joel Fitzgerald (LEADER: Nathan Jones Rising Star Award)
Next week
After (eventually) accounting for a contender and an also-ran in consecutive weeks, the task is now to conquer the sort of mid-table mediocrities I thought we'd be this year. It's North Melbourne at Docklands, in a rematch of the Round 2, 2025 game that all but blew the doors off the Simon Goodwin era. At that point you'd have thought they were going to hurtle away from us, but it turned out to be a Gather Round style false alarm. But they are getting better, and even with the odd 20 goal loss randomly thrown in, we'd still want to be better than this week to guard against another surprise.
Didn't see a cracker of the Casey game, where they lost to the locally based VFL club called the Lions care of having their side ransacked to cover our late withdrawals, emergencies, and requirements to play a returning Salem for half a game. No comment on any additions from that game then, I'll just assume Fritsch and Petty were late withdrawals out of caution/quality of opposition, so they can come straight back. Surely they're not going to pick Salem off half a game in the suburbs when he hasn't played since Round 5.
The question of "does Max Heath still play here?" is that he'd got a shoulder injury, so he's not an option for the second ruck, but I'd rather Petty do it 15% of the time and provide a decent threat forward than uninspiring Johnson cameos just because he's got a larger frame. Otherwise, I'm losing confidence in Windsor, but for lack of obvious replacements may as well give him a few more weeks.
We should win, but when has that ever meant anything?
IN: Fritsch, Petty
OUT: Johnson, Laurie (omit)
LUCKY: L. Pickett, Windsor
UNLUCKY: Cross, Henderson
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Not a huge number of top contenders this week, but I like the Melksham one from the boundary that got the party started. Cross retains the lead.
Final thoughts
We're on the verge of being involved in something baffling and crazy this year. I don't think there's enough quality at the bottom end of the team to think about it ending in premiership contention, but anything's better than the sinking feeling of 12 months ago. I'm not yet at the stage of having enough hope that it'll kill me when we lose a final by 1 point, but the lid is starting to bubble.
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