It's a bit late for honourable losses, but given that I automatically expect any visit to Kardinia Park to become a repeat of 186 this result ended up a few goals better off than expected. That doesn't make up for spending most of the game making goalscoring look more complicated than The Manhattan Project. Any team that kicks six in four quarters deserves to lose, and if they're averaging one per last quarter a month into the season (three of which were consolations when games were long lost) it's time to get an early start on Gather Round by gathering everybody around to watch the white flag go up.
On this form you wouldn't trust Geelong against good sides, but they didn't have much trouble holding this steam-powered, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang-style relic from a bygone era at bay. It was most of the players you recognised from happier times, playing like the Paul Roos led teams that had to prioritise dignity over scoring. In 2014 we got 60.72 points a game, now we've emerged from off-season turmoil with all our star players intact, bet heavily on improved performance... and are averaging 62 a month into the year.
Apologies if you're here for old school outrage, but I'm at the stage of sleep difficulties where Tyler Durden is about to show up and form a militia. Other than a couple of light frustrated obscenities in front of the children, I couldn't work myself into a frenzy. It helps to have emotionally conceded the season midway through the third quarter against Gold Coast. As usual, you're welcome to feel however you like about the long distance premiership, but it satisfied my urges enough not to go full Carlton fan and glare at players outside training, spraypaint the road, or create a scene with a gun stuffed down the strides.
Still, things are a bit grim when there's 19 games left and the most exciting thing to play for is ruining the value of our traded first round draft pick. But that's where we're at. Spare me fantasy comparisons to when Sydney came back from 0-6 to play finals. In the first of two Alan Partridge references in this post:
My thoughts on the coach haven't changed since last week, but if he's not going to pull the plug voluntarily Goodwin has to go down swinging and pull out all sorts of wacky manoeuvres (NB: not playing Petty forward) to try and squeeze some life out of this side. I'm eternally grateful that "I was just following orders" style adherence to system got us to the top once, but it would be legitimately tragic if he went out presiding over tedious slop like this every week. If there's some amazing breakthrough around the corner it's in an advanced state of camouflage.
I still don't think this season is a 2007-style prelude to catastrophe, but then again I didn't realise that was either until opening the next season with a triple figure loss. The good news is we've been offered a handy distraction from on-field disaster, unfortunately it comes via Christian Petracca's emotional exit at full time. Stand by for a week of journalists feigning concern for him while practically screaming "Look at his face! Just look at his face!" while the footage repeats on a loop.
You'd think the footage doesn't bode well for the future, but unless you're a mindreader or he breaks down and admits all mid-Cannelloni cook on Instagram nobody can be sure where his reaction sits on the scale between 'frustrated for footy reasons' and 'about to demand contract termination in the Supreme Court'. I've never had my internal organs rearranged in front of 80,000 people or been best on ground in a Grand Final (still time for one of those to happen), so my view on what he should do next is irrelevant but I'm betting hard that the words "fresh start" are going to be used about one minute after this cursed season finishes.
I appreciate him still having a massive go in a rapidly disintegrating circumstances, but am suspicious that the fresh start will only be valid at massive clubs. Maybe we can get our first pick back from Essendon? Alternatively, Christian could be the rallying point for supergluing the club together and do a big Wolf Of Wall Street style "I'm staying" speech, cementing his status as a club legend by going down with the ship. It wouldn't be the first time we've drowned him.
Hopefully he was just infused by the overwhelming Kardinia Park spirit of Gary Ablett Jr and realising that there's something to be said for pocketing shitloads of money to play several seasons for a rotten team. There should be plenty of money left when Pickett legs it. Maybe Oliver too. And somebody you never expected to go, Neal-Bullen style. It's not like the league's hottest free agents will be flocking to join us at this rate. Which is a shame, especially after getting a first hand look at the team which made an art form from plugging gaps.
The idea of blowing everything up and trying to draft our way out of the toilet doesn't appeal, but I'm slowly going from a "stiff shit, you signed the contract" mindset to "fit in or fuck off". If we're going down it may as well be with people who want to be there. I've always said that if you only let me have one I'd take Petracca over Oliver, but am prepared to fall in behind the first man to make clear that he wants to lead the recovery. I'm sadly resigned to Pickett going, but like a less-urgent version of ANB to Adelaide there's a difference when you're sure it's about friends and family, not social media metrics.
Anyway, this game can be summed up a lot quicker than most (but stay tuned for a few thousand bonus words) - the midfield got beaten but did enough to stay in the game, the backline had a few high profile cock-ups but held up well enough, and we finished with an indefensibly shit score after attacking like the criminally deranged. On the other hand, Geelong had something resembling a forward line and won without a scare while neutral viewers everywhere fled like they were on the deck of the Titanic.
I disputed the throwaway claim on commentary that we've lost our "identity" over the last few weeks. This is like ripping the mask off and revealing that it was old style Melbourne all along. There was also much wankery about starting Fritsch and Oliver on the bench, as if it's 1987 and they were going to sit there for half a game. Naming Spargo as the sub in his 100th game was a bit harsh, but if I'd had my way he'd be stuck on 99 after playing for Casey so you take what you're offered. I'm not trying to banish Charleston forever, and recognise that he's only played five quarters in the last year, but that's what we've got a Reserves side for.
We've got plenty of premiership players who are firing blanks after a month to get going. Bowey, Rivers, Salem, Sparrow etc... (whose low numbers should be read in conjunction with him do a tagging job here) have had their moments, but try to find somebody in our team who has improved from last year. Chandler had the best game of his life against North, hasn't really done much otherwise. Maybe McDonald, who looked on the verge of choking an umpire to death in late 2024 but has been a solid defender and didn't get nearly enough credit for his performance here. I'd still send him forward. We'd need a religious miracle to save this season, but you can start doing the right thing by the other young forwards now. Prepare to read words to this effect in every post for the next 19 games.
During the week a Geelong fan attempted to convince me that the Cats were finished and every chance of unexpectedly falling over here. If I'd been gullible enough to believe that he'd have followed-up by trying to sell me Amway. We've lost from hotter favouritism, but I couldn't even picture a fictional scene of us winning. Would've been funny though. And we did get the first goal, courtesy of a massive throw in the build-up that had the locals howling like they don't get looked after 99% of the time.
Later we did one of our better kicks to a lead all season only for the umpire to suffer a distance meltdown and call it 'not 15', shortly before paying a couple of five metre chips at the other end. Fans kept howling as if hard done by, but everyone else knows if the famous 2021 game had been played in front of a crowd they'd we'd have been lucky if the decisive 50 wasn't paid the other way. But umpiring was far from the reason for losing. Having said that, I'm not one for bronx cheers but it was wild when the 800 Melbourne fans in the crowd delivered one after a free kick that came through the TV loud and clear.
What about we get a slice of the zany umpiring action by creating decent contests in front of goal rather than punting it straight to defenders or dropping marks? I'd understand chipping the ball around if it reliably ended in players standing on their own in front of goal, but right now you're just making it harder for forwards who are already struggling. It's been proven that we can't just madly punt the ball inside 50 without it going *twang* straight down the other end, but some sort of pace on it might help. Can't be worse than what we've been doing until now.
There's something to be said for not yet having Lever and May on the ground at the same time this year, but unless they're going to save about 10 opposition goals a game they can't be the difference. They could help keep the score down to a level that we might cover, but you can't cover shit with six goals a game. I don't see why you'd play May forward instead of McDonald (yes, that again) but he may eventually insist on having a go just to give some other bastard the joy of watching their hard defensive work repeatedly go up in smoke seconds later.
May got plenty of the ball (and how could you not in our defence?) but still looked a bit ropey. Their first goal came from a smother after he made it ridiculously obvious that he was going to thump the ball long down the boundary line. It's a fair bet that's what we're going to do at any time, but this also involved the most obvious wind-up of all time before the kick.
At the other end, van Rooyen was marking like he'd dipped his arms in dishwashing liquid but I stand by my contentious claims that we've absolutely massacred him in the last year. I understood why people were ready to riot when the idea of recruiting Taylor Walker for a couple of seasons was raised (and yes, he followed some spicy racist gear with the worst apology video of all time but we're just talking footy here), but after seeing JVR, Fritsch and [rotating cast of third forwards] sink like a stone I wish we'd found somebody experienced to give them a hand and take some of the heat away. Somebody to do a similar job to Melksham, who might be on his last legs but can walk into the side and instantly know how to play his position. None of these people can change tings on their own though, and dare I pull out the ultimate Goodwin cliche, the 'connection' was shithouse.
In defence of Fritsch after a rotten start to the year, and having not done much at the end of 2024, this was his best game for the year. Still nowhere near his best but some progress I suppose. Maybe it was the reintroduction of Pickett, whose provides the same service to our forward line as the needle to Uma Thurman's chest in Pulp Fiction. Fritsch still didn't kick any goals, and at this point I'd take cheap handballs into the square to get things moving. The commentators who slaughtered him for being selfish at one point obviously didn't see the bit last week where he and Petracca politely stood aside and let the ball bounce. It's the same level of reaching for the Big Book O' Melbourne Cliches as when they say we'll fancy our chances of beating Freo at the MCG like it's the late 90s and they haven't easily beaten us there twice in a row.
I'd like to have supported the Fox commentary, but was happy to maintain the rage against their excessively large scoreboard once it was clear BT wasn't involved in the Channel 7 call. If we ever win another game I might watch both versions to make sure no memorably shit commentary goes unreported. That's if 7 ever shows us again, after yet another boring as batshit free-to-air performance I they're probably trying to on-sell the rights for our games to Optus Vision.
Pickett didn't kick a goal either but he just gave us a bit of life in the forward line and on the ball. He is welcome to jump the queue and be the first to announce he's staying no matter what, but I don't know why anyone would do that until there's some certainty about the future.
Still, in spite of our god awful attacking efforts, missed Geelong opportunities and some desperate defence meant that it was still one goal apiece late in the quarter. Nice throwback to the last year, when the Cats were the last victims of our classic brand of football terrorism. I was happy to destroy the experience for non-MFC viewers and make it to the first break like that. Hardly likely to win like that, but better than being 46-0 down. Then they went through us like an open door and found Dangerfield on his own inside 50.
It must be nice when you can recruit a top player at the peak of his powers, get everything possible out of him as a midfielder, then just roll him forward to kick a few goals in his dotage. Otherwise known as Petracca's career path when he's playing for Carlton or Collingwood. Speaking of, the Double DemonTime goal we conceded straight away came after he got the first touch out of the middle, which says a lot about how we're going at the moment. There are good players trying hard and doing decent things, but not enough of them, and without any hope of regularly scoring if we do get the ball. I know nobody wants to be playing like this, but word 'pus' springs to mind.
Meanwhile, for a venue that is guaranteed national TV coverage about 11 times a year, Kardinia Park has the most tinpot collection of fence sponsors since the MCG used to advertise BANANAS in the early 90s. If anyone from whatever Bisinella is reads this, please appreciate that the slogan "your key to the community" is burnt into my brain. The real key to this joint is a shitload of government money, but that's what you get by representing an actual geographical area (see also Footscray being given the Western Oval for free) instead of a general, heartland-free region. If bikie union delegates are going to sweep up taxpayer money anyway somebody may as well get a community asset out of it.
After quarter time (about five minutes of Geelong threatening to blow the doors off) we got our once vaunted contested game going and it became a bit of a stalemate. Better than the alternative, but that second goal before the break did us no favours. I remember coming back from seven goals down to win and clubbing them by 80 points within a few weeks, now the only hope of shocking the world was to drag the game down from spectacle, to slog, beyond World War I style trench warfare, and back to something resembling prehistoric man's struggle for survival.
It was going so (relatively) well, that even after they pulled back one of our surprise consecutive goals we belted out of the middle for Langford to reply. More Langford please, and the less said about the questionable decisions to start him as sub on debut, then drop him the better. It's sunrise/sunset, as he arrives while Viney is looking less likely than ever to impact a game. Even as a 'keep the band together at all costs' fanatic, I think we might have been rolled into giving him such a lengthy contract extension. Fingers crossed for a heart-warming comeback where he forcibly barges us to a win. And if not, he's done enough not to have an entire career judged on this fakakta season.
At first I was also fretting about Gawnism ending in the same place where it had achieved 'organised religion' status 10 years ago. There was a dropped mark at the start that had me nervously adjusting the collar and starting to sweat, and while this wouldn't be in his top 100 games the great man willed his way into making some sort of difference. Well done to the coach on making it two weeks without unnecessarily discussing Maximum's personal business in public.
For a few minutes at the end of the second quarter we were on top, but missed a couple of crucial shots to keep the margin to something that might believably be overturned if all the Geelong players got the squirts again. There was a lucky escape when Jeremy Cameron forgot that he was one of the great goalkickers of modern times and missed a set shot snap from 20 metres out. Then just when you thought we'd safely navigated to half time Petty gave away an after the siren free for vigorously abseiling off Dangerfield. I've got a near-fanatical belief in him as our long-term full back but christ he's had a few moments this season. But who hasn't? Only Judd McVee, Shane McAdam and anybody else untainted by everything that's happened since the North practice match.
Our chances of making it interesting were helped by Turner goalling after a Pickett pass that was the equivalent of seeing a rainbow over the scene of a natural disaster. It's described here as "ugly but effective" so maybe I was just fanging for any Kysaiah content and was just happy that one of our forwards held a mark. If there was any time for the Goody '25 masterplan to click and swing in like a pirate to save us this was it, but instead there were just another few minutes of fruitless attack while Geelong always seemed to be about three kicks from scoring. I had 0.0% faith that we'd get close enough to scare them, much less find a winning score. We didn't even end up with a decent losing score, but didn't get thrashed so I suppose that's something.
While the margin was still manageable under normal circumstances we obviously weren't going to win. No chance of premiership points, but we did get odd three quarter time footage of Goodwin doing an exaggerated wink at somebody while doing a backwards-walking version of Partridge's cockney walk. The polite thing to do would be to include the footage of the current event that's being discussed, but it's easier just to copy and paste this and let you imagine what it looked like.
The only problem is that when I look back on this post in a few years I'll also have NO IDEA what this was referencing. So that's something to look for in the future.
2025 Allen Jakovich Medal
5 - Tom McDonald
4 - Christian Petracca
3 - Clayton Oliver
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Kysaiah Pickett
Apologies to Bowey, May, and Melksham
Leaderboard
Some normality returns to the board as our four time winner recaptures the lead. Does he deserve it? Well, nobody else does so someone's got to be in first place. He's nowhere near his all-time peak but a falling sea drops all boats, so we wish Clayton all the best on his quest to snatch a fifth Jako and a nice farm on the Surf Coast.
9 - Clayton Oliver
7 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Xavier Lindsay (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Christian Petracca
5 - Jake Bowey (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Kade Chandler, Harvey Langford, Tom McDonald (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
2 - Jake Lever, Christian Salem
1 - Kysaiah Pickett, Harry Sharp, Tom Sparrow
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It's Langford again (I think he won last week, CBF checking), but Windsor is still the overall leader.
The defence of our ex-first round pick begins in an unimaginative rematch of the first Gather Round against Essendon at Adelaide Oval. By next year we'll either be playing at, or against Sturt, but this would be the most boring fixture of all time if not for a) the drafting implications, and b) the fact that we might be able to set Essendon fans off into a Carlton-esque coach sacking bloodlust with an upset win.
IN: Brown, Fullarton, Laurie, Lever
OUT: Henderson, Sharp, Spargo (omit)
LUCKY: Fritsch, Rivers, van Rooyen, Viney
UNLUCKY: Any fit person on the list
Final thoughts
Here's a preview of what we've got coming up for the rest of the season on Demonblog.com:
* Unconvincing defence of the coach
* Demands to play Tom McDonald forward
* Baffling references to the time Lt. Frank Drebin pretended to be Enrico Palazzo
* Unhelpful comparisons to past seasons
* Grudging acceptance that the good times are over
* Sad reminscing about players at their peak
* An offer for Goodwin to visit the Towers, watch a replay of the Grand Final from my couch and cry together
* Alternating understanding and outrage at players doing a runner
* Cheap potshots at the media
* Unconvincing suggestions that this is a one off and we'll be back in 2026
