Home is where the hate is

At some point in my mid-20 I developed the nasty habit of clenching my jaw together like an ice addict and/or grinding my teeth while I sleep. If we're completely honest I think it started a few weeks into the 2007 season when I started to get really stressed about our performances, so that's another great life experience I can chalk down to the Melbourne Football Club. It can come on randomly, but usually the clamp and its associated headaches come in times when I've been highly strung. 

Footy games have set me off in the past, after we beat Carlton this year it was so bad that a few days later I was in an MRI machine being scanned to make sure that it wasn't being caused by brain tumours, but dark days like today leave me feeling like I've been smacked in the face with a cricket bat. I didn't even notice until I was trudging back to Richmond Station that my jaw was clenching so tightly I could barely open my mouth. I had to stop for a second and consciously relax to get back to normal. What a stupid reaction to a stupid sport.

The best thing about the Melbourne Football Club is that following us is never dull. Not off-field anyway. Just when you think we've hit rock bottom - and in this case actually started to climb away from it - there's always something left in reserve. I refuse to accept that what happened today was even in the same league as 186, but there is an argument that it tops almost everything else from 2007 onwards up to and including the Essendon slaughter last year. Let the record show for future generations that we went into a game against a side marginally worse than us, who had 700 games less total experience, on a ground where they'd never won before and kicked 3.16 in losing by 64 points WHEN THEY LOST THREE OF THEIR BEST FOR THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF. That last point is what pushes it past last year's similar debacle against Gold Coast - the day old mate famously waved the white flag and Mark Neeld should have resigned at the press conference - into the Hall of Fame of humiliating MFC moments.

It also represents the day where after 25 years of swearing, punching seats and unfurling unflattering banners (admittedly most of it in the last few years, and much of it well away from other patrons) I finally got my first conduct warning from a security guard. Not that there was anything to it, I just had the 'misfortune' of yelling out something about none of our players having any dignity while three bored guards were standing behind us trying to find something to do. "What's wrong with yelling without swearing?" I asked, to which he replied "People will start texting the number". By this point I wasn't all that concerned if I got kicked out so I pointed out that a) if more than 100 people had been in the Ponsford Stand he'd have had his hands with actual indecent language rather than one idiot yelling, b) nobody knows what the number is anyway and c) the three Melbourne fans in our immediate vicinity hadn't as much as flinched during this outburst because they knew it was 100% accurate. Kicking me out would probably have been too much effort so he just stood behind me for the whole last quarter. It would have almost been worth getting booted out just to cause a scene. Another win for fan experience at the footy. 

By enough about me, let's get back to pea-hearted, putrid performances from clubs who are halfway down the S-Bend of the footballing toilet. How are we all feeling about season 2014 now? After the Essendon game - when we were a win in front of Richmond and their fans were about to indulge in Community Euthanasia - it was undoubtedly a huge success and an amazing step forward from the record breaking indignities of last year. After the last few weeks it's not quite as toxic, that would be nearly impossible, but it's certainly rotting away at a rapid rate. The key difference is then I had this hope that our players were good enough but lacked the system and leadership. Now I'm convinced we haven't got the first two and am not entirely sure about the third. This bodes very poorly for the immediate future of the club.

Just to reiterate during the second quarter of today's game GWS subbed one of their captains with concussion, the other one with a leg injury and lost a #1 draft pick with a serious knee injury... while simultaneously kicking 4.3 to 0.5. Once we'd had a half-time break to comprehend how the Giants would go without Davis, Patton and Ward we then proceeded to treat their remaining 19 players to a party atmosphere than allowed them to boot 4.3 to 0.2 while our fans turned - quite rightly - on their team.

Fair play to GWS, as much as I hate everything about them except James McDonald and Dom Tyson in retrospect that was a lionhearted performance against a side who collectively entered the game without any spark or interest in retaining what shred of pride in the jumper that there is left. How is it that Neville Jetta, who we are paying about $68,000 a year as a rookie with the maximum bonus (page 68), can be one of the few players who goes at it like his career depends on it. It doesn't anymore, he's just signed a two year contract extension which will return him to the senior list, but he still tries his heart out week after week no matter how badly we're going. There's not many others you could say that about - Nathan Jones is certainly one but the list rapidly thins out from there. When it's all said and done if Jones stays loyal to us instead of going for 'one last shot' via free agency we should erect a double statue of him and Robbie Flower outside the MCG with nothing but the word LOYALTY engraved on it and take every single draftee, coach and random employee (I assume a temporary receptionist may be required tomorrow) to see it on their first day with the club.

So we didn't have four quarters of effort - certainly not in enough reserve to see the side approach AFL standard - but you can cover up for that if you've got enough players with sublime skills to make up for the ones who only want to play when it's on their terms and who occasionally decide that it's all too much for them. Nope, haven't got that in any great number either. Dropped marks, running around in circles, 1m handballs missing the target, kicks flying out of bounds, missed tackles - all the hallmarks of a modern day MFC performance but without the benefit of the other side spontaneously combusting and letting us back into the game. It makes it easier to say it when they don't have Turncoat Tom in their ranks but the 19 GWS players left after half-time deserve a medal for the way they went about dismantling us despite their handicaps. Any medals for our side should be awarded posthumously.

What about tactics? Well if going sideways and backwards all day excites you then god bless, but with due respect to a premiership winning coach it's fucking horrible stuff to sit there and watch live. At least at home you can change the channel. I'd have thought that with absolutely nothing to play for today and - let's be entirely honest drafting benefits even if we lost - that we might have just tried to play normal, interesting, carefree footy and damn the consequences if we lost. Maybe we did and were just too inept to execute the plan, but I'd much rather have gone down swinging than to our death with 18 players standing within 10 metres of the ball for most of the game. They threw the team around a bit at the end but the damage was well and truly done by then. I fail to understand how we only used 97 interchange rotations against a side with one player on the bench - I know we were one down ourselves after Grimes went off but surely, SURELY running them off their legs was at least part of the plan for the third quarter? That's not something you need the players to do - it comes from the coaching staff. We'd probably still have lost, it's hard to achieve any sort of positive when you either can't get the ball or turn it over immediately but we couldn't have made it easier for them if we tried.

The funny thing is that we looked right into the game in the first quarter. Not that it was much of a game, and GWS were hardly playing well either. Any decent team would have mangled either of us, but that's the alleged beauty of a game between terrible teams - you might not see fantastic footy but the rarity of wins means that it seems as important to fans as a top of the table clash, and if you're lucky it will be close. So roll on the team that has no fans winning by plenty.

I thought it was a reasonable omen that we kicked two goals in the first quarter again. That's 4+ weeks in a row for the first time since round 1 to 5 last year - and we were doing a reasonable job of keeping their tall forwards out of the game. It looked like neutrals and the poor bastards at Channel 7 who must have lost a bet if they had to cover this would at least get a close game. Then we kicked one more goal in the next three quarters.

Despite our generally horrid skills at moving the ball out of the defensive 50 without three clangers, a boundary throw-in and two ball-ups, we were still getting the ball forward (the ever useless inside 50 count proving as good as a guide as ever) only to find that as usual we didn't have any semblance of a half-forward line thanks to Dawes going missing, nobody who could take a mark near goal if their life depended on it and the most criminal lack of forward speed or crumb that any team has ever had in an AFL match EVER. 

I swear all these years later after whinging about this I watch other teams play and they have forwards who do the traditional forward thing and lead straight down the middle of the ground in order to mark a ball kicked at them by a teammate. If we started doing it regularly I'd be absolutely floored. Jamar sort of did it in the first quarter but other sides have their players metres in front of an opponent while Russian had to scrap with his defender two centimetres behind him and take a solid contested mark. This shouldn't be the best it gets for our leading forwards/makeshift options. You don't even have to suspend disbelief to pretend it could work, we actually do have some players who would be able to hit these leads if they ever came. Instead we're thumping the ball long to outmatched ruckmen with nobody at their feet or kicking to midfielders 50m out on the boundary line and expecting them to convert often enough to cover up the fact that when they kick a point or the ball falls short it will more often than not end up down the other end 10 seconds later. Last night I saw West Coast and Essendon players leading and kicking to leads majestically - take a close look at the regal way the Eagles do this next week when they are doing it 120 times next Saturday afternoon.

For all the shit hung on Jack Watts, and there's plenty of it, get your tapes out of him against the Bulldogs twice last year leading straight down the middle of the 50, marking and kicking goals. He probably did it more times in those two games alone than our entire team has this year. He's not your man for one-on-one feats of strength with the ball being kicked in onto his head, but neither is anybody else on our list except Jeremy Howe and he's down the other end getting us out of jail. After two years of hoping he'd shirtfront at least one player during his career I enjoyed the bit where he finally snapped and decked the GWS player in front of goal, but I was hoping he might drop a knee into him as well. Anyway, instead of Brad Millering him to death by playing him in a different position every week could we just leave him in the spot where he was showing legitimate promise a few years ago when we were not complete shit? No apparently.

You could tell right off the bat that this wasn't going to be the day we finally threw off the shackles, kicked 20 goals and sent everyone home happy - but it didn't mean we still couldn't at least win even if it had to be ugly. GWS hadn't won since the week after we last did, and their form had arguably been worse despite a couple of reasonable performances against good teams. We could still easily have won. Even after we conceded a goal within the first minute, which is nothing for us, we ended up absorbing the pressure and getting back on top for 10 minutes before falling apart at the back and allowed the Giants to follow the tradition of the rest of the competition when playing us and waltz into an open goal. 

At quarter time we weren't impressing anyone but we were in front - and within 10 minutes were gifted a two man advantage when first Patton (it's never the GWS players you want who seriously injure themselves, hopefully the other one sat on his remote control during the match) went down and then Phil Davis knocked himself out in a marking contest and managed to give away a free kick in the process. Everything was coming up Melbourne. We went behind but it wasn't yet fatal because no matter how badly we were playing they were just as bad - with the key difference being that we were missing our chances and they were easily clearing the ball out of defensive 50 before the slopfest continued in the middle of the ground. When you get as few chances as we do in a game you can't miss them all - look at the Brisbane game when it was clutch goals from Tyson and Bail (!) which gave us the lead which we'd ultimately roll over and concede but they were nice at the time.

And from there it all just went horribly wrong despite Ward going off hurt as well shortly before half time. All anybody reading this in the future needs to know is that 30 seconds after Ward went off the Giants kicked a goal. That's just the sort of day it was for us - a shit one. GWS might be a great side in the future - and if they're not the AFL will do everything it can to make them one - but they're still a bunch of kids now and we were powerless to stop them. For god's sake the day ended with Rhys Palmer kicking more goals than our entire squad. I don't care that we got more inside 50's, and I don't care that we missed a bunch of shots on goal - any of which could have turned the game in our favour - we were horrible and got exactly what we deserved. Let this be the wake-up call to everyone that it's not good enough to avoid losing by 100 points every second week.

Everything we do just seems like such hard work, usually fruitless - but what are you going to do when players can't be bothered working hard enough either offensively or defensively? Of course it's hard work doing anything when you've got a handful of players going at 100% with the skills to back it up, some others with all the effort in the world and no idea how to play football and others who shut up shop whenever the going gets tough. 

The way we were going we'd have missed from the goalsquare anyway but considering we probably concede more goals from within 15m than anyone wouldn't it be nice to watch one of our players run into the square and casually stab one home at least once a week? At this point I will just take them kicking 10 goals in a game more than once a month. I find it hard to express my disappointment in the way we play in words and midway through the third quarter just let out a primal scream directed at the Ponsford Stand roof. I'd claim that life is unfair but I walk into this with my eyes open every week so I've only got myself to blame.

With no chance of a player leading to the ball or anybody working it to a running player who would actually have a shot from a decent angle and/or distance we were eventually reduced to just aimlessly whacking it inside 50 for the Giants defenders to mop-up with Jeremy Howe-esque contested marks. It was clear to everyone that even if the Giants lost another five players this side probably didn't have it in them to storm home to win. There would be no 12 goal rampage this time - and those natives who had bothered to stay after half time were getting restless. I don't blame them, so was I. The only people who were there today were the dedicated ones and they get to watch that shit - lucky it's the last home game of the season because nobody would turn up the next one. Well, I would. Not sure why. I'm not a religious man but god bless those of you spending good money to travel to Perth next week, the club make the players write each of you a letter of thanks.

Winning was clearly beyond us but surely there was some thought given to getting out of the last quarter with some shred of self-respect. Everyone involved was going to cop it from press and fans anyway, but dragging the margin back to something respectable in the last quarter as the battered Giants faded would have at least given us some sort of entertainment late in the afternoon. Then we conceded five goals to one. This was the ultimate insult, and sadly even though I knew I'd be stupid enough to watch the Eagles game and go to Docklands to watch North flog us in the last round I couldn't have loved the club any less at that point. It was an official welcome back to the dark days of 2013. These are the times when you start to think that folding would be a reasonable option.

Last week I felt disappointed that I watched the game without taking any of it in, this week I wish I wasn't. It was painful to watch. The match itself was of a poor enough quality as it was without us running around like dickheads botching our play in every possible scenario. The Giants had already sensibly started running the clock down in the third quarter before they turned it up a notch in the last - and even then while they were kicking side-to-side to try and get out of the game without anybody else suffering a serious injury we were so loose than they still manage to whack through another three goals in double quick time with scant resistance before Riley put the cherry on the cake by gifting them the last goal with another in a long line of horrific turnovers. Shithouse. You couldn't drop enough players from this side because there's nobody there to replace them. 

We've now scored under 35 four times this year. This is not a team anybody other than the rusted-on freaks want to watch, and it won't be a team anyone wants to play for either. Tyson must be kicking himself that he got roped into joining us on the promise of things getting better, and after seeing what's happened to him, Clark, Dawes and Vince then any other reasonable player is going to need to take some amazing convincing or go into full $cully mercenary mode if we're going to lure them. Time to either strike gold with some discards or battlers from other sides, pluck some randoms out of state leagues who are not just adding to the battler brigade or actually develop the players we do have/draft. One of three will probably do me at the moment. Two of three would be amazing.

I'm not trying to be wacky or different but I'm really not convinced about what Roos has done so far. There's no doubt he was handed a shit sandwich at the start of the year but we were such amazing gash in 2013 that it would be almost impossible not to at least improve on what happened last year. It's not just that I'm still a bit sad that we never got #chokeyourselfwithatie as coach, but at this point we're 0 wins and just 2% better off than we were in Neeld's first year when people already wanted to lynch him so I don't see any reason to get excited.

It's what happens in the future that counts, and I look forward to being shown up for my scepticism in the future, but the style of play and coaching decisions shouldn't be above scrutiny. Other than the tactical side of things why in god's name did they pick Riley only to play him as sub again - this week we could have reasonably assumed to be closer when he came on than against Hawthorn but he's a killer tackler, not an impact player. Grimes' injury aside wouldn't it be better against a young team to have him cracking a few ribs at the start of the game and then going off for somebody who is a reasonable chance of hitting a target by foot? If such thing exists on our list. The sub rule is bollocks but if you don't pick players to complement it then you're harming the team. It's all well and good trying to impart discipline and only give fringe players games if they've deserved them with their performances but there's something to be said for picking somebody like Blease or Kennedy-Harris as the sub every week for the rest of the year safe in the knowledge that they might do something exciting when they come on. Too late for this now, let's just plod on to our death.

There's just too many weird things happening that nobody is questioning because the coach has a sweet track record, but hopefully people with a better grasp of tactical discussion than I can show why this year's performances aren't worth getting excited about in the long term, and why trying to win 50-49 every week is not only doomed to failure in modern football but will also send thousands of supporters to their graves with their last memory of the club being scores under 40. I understand his point from the press conference that it's a 3-5 year job to even theoretically get the club back into contention, but there'll be nobody left watching in five years if we keep delivering tedious, plodding, slow pissweak performances like today. I'm over hearing about what happened in Sydney 10 years ago, let's talk about Melbourne today. We're a horrible team who are only slightly less horrible than we were this time last year and that's not something to be celebrated.

I look towards 2015 with a clean slate but I feel like we're just going to tread water next season. Maybe there are so many uncoachable players on this list that when you bring new ones in that they get sucked into the death spiral - rinse and repeat forever. It is at this point I'm duty bound to remind you before you hurt yourself that football is supposed to be a bit of a fun weekend distraction from your normal life. How's that working for you?

We should ask for special dispensation to trade absolutely everybody - even the good ones, if you love something set it free - and start again with one last roll of the dice before admitting that it's never going to happen and putting the shutters up.

2014 Allen Jakovich Medal

5 - Neville Jetta

4 - Nathan Jones

3 - Bernie Vince

2 - Tom McDonald

1 - Max Gawn

Apologies to Cross, Dunn, Howe and Michie who weren't much chop but could have snuck into the last three spots because barely anyone else deserved to.

Leaderboard

Jones' 2013 style effort to try and carry the rest of the side on his shoulders results in him all but putting an end to Tyson's brave bid for the Jakovich. He can now do no worse than a share of the medal if Dom is BOG in the last games and he scores nil. Well deserved for being one of the few who you can be sure has gone 100% over the last couple of years, and you can be sure that Dom's time will come. May he follow in the footsteps of Cameron Bruce, Brad Green and Brent Moloney who all finished second and then won the medal later in their career.

Oddly enough just as Jones confirms victory in the main event the comeback king Nifty Neville Jetta has cracked open the race for the Seecamp which looked over a few weeks ago. Still needs to pick up seven votes on Dunn in the next fortnight, but given that the ball will be down there for 95% of each game both men will have their chance to be amongst the best. 

Gawn picked up votes today but as it's unlikely he'll outscore Jamar by five in the remaining it seems the Russian is going to pocket his third Stynes - and first since 2010. As for the Hilton there's every possible chance that Jay Kennedy-Harris will refuse to accept it.

48 - Nathan Jones (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year)

38 - Dom Tyson

----------------------

27 - Lynden Dunn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)

21 - Daniel Cross

20 - Neville Jetta

17 - Bernie Vince

16 - Chris Dawes, Jack Viney

14 - Tom McDonald

13 - Jeremy Howe

12 - James Frawley

9 - Mark Jamar (Leader: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Cameron Pedersen

7 - Matt Jones

6 - Jack Watts

5 - Aidan Riley

4 - Max Gawn, Dean Kent

3 - Dean Terlich

2 - Rohan Bail, Colin Garland, Jack Grimes, Jay Kennedy-Harris (Leader: Jeff Hilton Rising Star Medal)

1 - Jordie McKenzie, Jake Spencer

Crowd Watch

Deep suspicions over the legitimacy of the announced 17,000 crowd aside I'd say we were lucky that it didn't piss down raining because the kick-to-kick gimmick was all that saved the attendance from total disaster. In the end it was 3500 more than showed up for our last home game of 2013 but I expect that's because plenty of people thought we'd win. Sucked in again Dees fans.

Speaking of our fans there was apparently nearly a good old-fashioned donnybrook at the race between people rushing to hang shit on the players and those who were readying themselves to jump the fence for kick-to-kick and objected to such motivational tactics. Usually I frowned upon the sort of lunatics who stormed the race to unload foul and media-friendly sprays at players but I don't care anymore. 

At least it proves there's a heartbeat amongst our fans, but given the ridiculous skew towards the elderly amongst our crowds we'd better find a way to get more kids through the gate soon or there will be nobody to replace the ones who pass on or become too infirm to keep watching over the next few years. At one point shortly after I got there there were eight people in the Ponsford Stand top level and I was the only one under 60. I suggest breeding freely.

Stat My Bitch Up

Last week I said if we scored an average of 40 a week for the next three weeks we'd just beat GWS' record for lowest scoring 20+ game season. Today's arsehole of a performance saw us drop -1.34 to 59.5ppg and considering we'll score 1.6.12 next week we're right back in the mix for the title. Now if we average 40 in the next two games we'll land exactly on their 'score' of 57.72 and if that happens I might not be able to maintain my cheery persona.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year

In a poxy field Watts' goal was probably the best. He receives a night out at the California Club with the lucky raffle winner. With limited goals on offer over the next two weeks somebody's going to have to do something quite remarkable to beat the end of the Essendon game. Like cure cancer, disarm an Iraqi militant and conclusively prove the identity of Jack the Ripper at the same time as they bicycle kick a goal from the Spencer Street rail yards.

At least this is one we were never going to lose, and GWS did their part by achieving the grand slam. A poor font, spaced bizarrely, with 0's instead of O's (WHY?) and a curtain. Lucky they have a 10 goal better football side to enjoy. Compared to this orange monstrosity ours could have had a somebody appropriately taking a whizz on an MFC jumper and still won in these circumstances. Demons remain atop the Cheer Squad league table with a 20-1 record but like Essendon 2013 will mysteriously be unable to appear in the finals.

Next Week
By christ West Coast are going to run rampant. Last week I expected Hawthorn to do the unmentionable to us, and we somehow got out of it thanks to them having little to play for other than the win and the avoidance of serious injury. Now we get the Eagles farewelling Dean Cox while either playing to keep their slight hopes of finals football alive OR unleashing their anger at being knocked out by Adelaide (who play St Kilda in the last round and will obviously win) beating North to effectively knock them out. It may be better for us if they're kept in the race because it will give them some reason to relax when it's won and let us off without a total pulverisation.

I'd love to swing the axe and bring all sorts of random players in just for a laugh, but there's too big a chance of being beaten 30.20.200 to 0.1.1 to do that. Not to mention Casey losing in the VFL again. If you can rotate your screen or your head here are the stats from that game for you to make a purely stats based decision. On my uninformed reading of the rules it seems you can't add a player to the long term injury list after Round 18, so I'm assuming that if Georgiou replaced Clark and Jetta replaced Trengove then we still have one rookie elevation up our sleeve - and courtesy of eight tackles more than anything else I'm on the Harmes bandwagon.

IN: Harmes, Tapscott, Evans, Clisby, Pedersen
OUT: Grimes (inj), Frawley, Barry, M. Jones Riley (omit)

LUCKY: Dawes, Viney, Watts, Salem

UNLUCKY: Fitzpatrick - deserves another go but unless Dawes gets dropped there's no way he can fit in the same side as Jamar, Gawn and Pedo. Hogan is not unlucky because he didn't do anything - and fair enough too considering it was his first game since Alice Springs - but even if he doesn't get a touch next week I'll play him in Round 23.

WHO WE WILL GET: Bail and Terlich

Next Year

If you're interested in the fabled 'ruthless cull' of the list then you've not got much to work with. The only players who are out of contract now are Bail, Blease, Byrnes (gorn), Frawley (gorn), Strauss, Tapscott, Terlich and the rookies. Like it or not this side is still going to be bursting with campaigners again in 2015 - and we're probably going to finish last or close to it given that the only sides who aren't getting better by the week are us and St Kilda. If we're still playing sludge, 60 points a week footy and losing home games to other poxy teams then there will be about 1500 people there for this fixture next year.

If the season went any long and Frawley kept playing like this nobody would want him, but he's got the runs on the board so I assume he will still a game elsewhere. The question now is what sort of compo we'll get when there's stuff all chance he's going to get the original asking price. As for the others there's not a great deal worth anything on the trade table. I resolved to lie back and think about England when Watts puts in half-inspired/half-disinterested performances like today, and you can't go around replacing too many near 100 game players with rookies or recycled plodders BUT it's probably better now for the mental health of all parties involved if we flog him elsewhere.

In other news how's the hunt for the coaching successor going? Bet there's a few phones going unanswered at the moment. The last few weeks convince me that I want somebody who has done it all before, rather than an assistant. Will take Voss or Ratten - am more likely to get Scott Watters. Somebody was trying to sell me on that bloke who filled in at Hawthorn, but he seemed like a very cheery fellow so I'd hate to see what coaching us would do to him. We're about two weeks from talkback callers trying to float James Hird as an option.

Next decade

What are you going to do when this club folds or merges? Not even considering relocation as an option because who would have us? The MFC is in my blood to such a ridiculous degree that I'd probably find myself trying to launch some Fitzroy style VAFA reboot with which to continue the name and the history of the club. Wouldn't be the same but better than doing whatever it is normal people do on winter weekends - and as much as it would necessitate a change in blog title at least every game would be on Saturday.

Was it worth it?

No, not for any reason. I legitimately wish I'd sat at home eating chips and working on my first heart attack.

Final thoughts

Great way to top off member appreciation week.
— Go Dees (@DemonsBeth) August 17, 2014