Except the $cully one, I wrote that. Do a hammy you clown.
2. Nathan Jones
Improve further on last year's strong(ish) season. Keep kicking goals and become a weapon in the midfield to complement Moloney/Trengove.
3. Clint Bartram
Grasp the concept of kicking to a target.
4. Jack Watts
One break-out year. 30 goals off half-forward and more assists than you can shake a stick at. Reach a point where any comparisons to Nic Nat and Hurley are completely stupid because - as with Nick Riewoldt vs Jack Frawley - it doesn't matter which one is 1% better because they're all guns.
5. Jordan Gysberts
Consistency. Use the increased focus on Trengove to run riot and give us another killer weapon in the midfield.
6. Matthew Bate
Bely the fact that you're the slowest man on earth to make the move to the midfield group a success. Anything that makes you realise going to Footscray is a fate worse than death.
7. Jamie Bennell
Find a spot. Forward, back, whatever. Just find somewhere, make it your own and stop tempting coaches to drag you from one end to the other on a whim like a miniature Brad Miller.
8. James Frawley
Become the out-and-out superstar that you deserve to be - starting with the All-Australian FB slot. You shudder to think how bad we'd have been defensively last year if he wasn't down there.
9. Jack Trengove
Don't get killed by the 'next big thing', 'next captain' talk. Become the gamebreaker that we desperately need. Outshine everything the $2 Million Turd does for the rest of your respective careers.
10. Cale Morton
Either learn to go in for hard balls or return to being the Thin White Duke who ripped out some absolutely bananas games in his first two seasons. It probably doesn't help that there's a collective groan every time he gets the ball but some confidence would help. One free booking with the club psychologist. Surely we have a club psychologist.
11. Mitch Clark
Forget the ludicrously overblown pricetag on your head and the fact that we're pinning our hopes on you being the next big thing as a full forward despite never having kicked 30 goals in a season. Just get down there, throw your body around, take out some good defenders and contribute. If Jurrah winds up kicking 70 goals and you get 30 as the highest paid decoy in league history then at least you got a hundred between you.
12. Colin Sylvia
Go to bed early and stop being a dickhead off-field. I'll suspend the secondary wish of a vicious Mark Neeld right hook to the head until he commits another atrocity.
13. Jordie McKenzie
Smash the all-time record for tackles in a season (202 at 8.08 per game stats fans) and become universally acknowledged as one of the great draft bargains of our time.
14. Lynden Dunn
Shave off that ludicrous bum-fluff, the joke is over. Also find a way to win a permanent spot in the side now that despite two half decent seasons he finds himself sliding down the pecking order amongst our 2000 mid-sized forwards.
15. Ricky Petterd
Watch the video of that Richmond game over and over again. Contribute goals but more importantly contribute pressure. Inform Lynden Dunn that you will not be bumped out of the side by somebody with a ludicrous mo.
16. Jack Grimes
Fitness. My god one full season of fitness. Look at Moloney and Rivers - even if you've been persecuted for years you just need to get on a roll and you can string a few years together without ending up in traction.
17. Sam Blease
Build on your good start, tonk some decent teams. Start with a good run in the NAB Cup so we know you weren't a one hit wonder.
18. Brad Green
To stay captain and stick it up your detractors. Didn't do much for the art of captaincy last year but please explain who would have been able to marshal that burnt out wreck of a side? Unless there are behind the scenes shenanigans afoot I see no reason to spit in the face of a 10+ year servant of the club who - lest we forget - could have been off at Collingwood playing for flags now.
19. James Strauss
No lasting effects from that injury, and to not have the filthy vultures at Channel Seven and Fox Sports show it ad nauseum when you come back.
20. Colin Garland
Stay fit, develop a facial expression which doesn't make you look permanently stoned. Keep doing what you've been doing - it's working.
21. Lucas Cook
If you're going to initially struggle to get a spot in our allegedly star studded forward line at least play consistently good VFL seniors games. Surely we've passed the era where we're just handing out games to anybody these days, so earn your spot with a huge run of good games. Should help now that VFL fodder like Fev and Juice are out of the way at Casey.
22. Brent Moloney
Continual to be a natural leader. Demand improvement and better help from your teammates - tell them when they're not helping. Watch the Best Of The Psychic Friends Connection video compilation and work out how you can use your winning tag team with Jamar to advantage despite every other team in the competition knowing he's going to aim for you most of the time.
24. Liam Jurrah
Just give us highlights out the yin yang. We want another video like this. Sure we'll have to go through the same old whinging and moaning about disinterest in forward pressure but I can take that as long as the rest of them are covering for The Jurrahcane while he plays his natural game and snaps goals out of his arse. Of course "natural game" and "Mark Neeld" do not appear to mesh so whatever he's forced into I hope he can manage it without disaster.
25. Tom McDonald
Be the man who is ready to step in on a minute's notice when one of our first choice defenders inevitably injures himself.
26. Daniel Nicholson
Bring the pace. Be our nominated rookie who can play from Round 1.
27. Jared Rivers
Show everyone, including me, why you deserved such a high finish in the B&F. Exorcise the demons of last year by thrashing buggery out of Travis Cloke on Queen's Birthday when the coaching staff get wise this time and give you some help instead of just marooning you in the square to look stupid.
28. Joel Macdonald
The clock is ticking so you might not play every week, but when you make sure you continue to be an angry bastard. Whatever else happened last year we'll never forget that filthy look for Morton against Collingwood.
30. James Sellar
Win back some respect. Doesn't have to play 22 games, or even 12 games. Just be a big bodied player ready to go if required and if all goes well we go into 2013 having saved your career.
32. Michael Evans
Don't just start handballing every time and then piss off to Hawthorn in order to play in their reserves like the last bloke with that number.
34. The Stefan Martin Experience
Capitalise on a break-out season. Keep racking up the disposals around the ground and providing a handy back-up for Jamar. Also keep drifting forward to kick goals.
35. Luke Tapscott
Become the best kick-in player for the MFC since.. Anyone? (Warning - do not say Travis Johnstone or I'll have you sectioned under the Mental Health Act)
36. Aaron Davey
Go back to the forward line and crumb like buggery. Remember you're the man who practically invented forward pressure in the mid 2000's. Sure there were some great years in the midfield and off half-back flank but it's time to come home Flash.
37. Max Gawn
Get well soon you mammoth, man mountain of a human. May you one day achieve your dream of killing James Bond.
38. Jeremy Howe
Continue where you left off, be one of the pillars in our Multiple Towers of Terror forward line. Either feed off Clark taking the best defenders or free him up to play against the slop.
39. Neville Jetta
A decent run in the side, and not one that involves wearing a stupid green vest every second week. While we're at it how about the abolition of the sub rule entirely so that fringe players like this can get a decent run at senior level without the shadow of having to sit on the bench for three quarters hanging over their head?
40. Mark Jamar
A year of good health. You deserve it. 2010 cannot stand alone as the one year that you became one of Australia's greatest living humans and didn't suffer an injury. And the rest of us deserve another great year because by my count you're still 3-6 considering 2003-08 were so dire.
Also to qualify as Vladimir Putin's running mate at the Russian Presidential election despite not actually being Russian in any way.
41. Troy Davis
I still have no idea who this is.
42. Jake Spencer
Win some respect after becoming somewhat of a comedy figure over the last couple of years (sorry, I think I contributed). Also to avoid going 0-9 and setting a new record for Melbourne matches without a victory. Frankly if he somehow manages to play nine games and doesn't win one of them we're all going to end up having to go under heavy sedation.
43. Rory Taggert
Whatever it is that you do, do it well in the VFL and I hope we're going well enough in the seniors to not require you until 2013. Also I'm hoping for another series of your Scottish detective show.
44. Rohan Bail
A full season. Otherwise just keep doing what you do because you've got cult figure value coming out the wazoo.
45. Kelvin Lawrence
To play 'seniors' during the NAB Cup and smash the VFL en route to a mid-season debut if/when the aforementioned Davey to the pocket experiment dies in the arse.
46. Josh Tynan
See Rory Taggert but without the Scottish bit.
47. Tom Couch
To play good football in the NAB Cup and stake a claim for a Round 1 spot. Also to do one thing without the papers pointing out who your dad is.
48. Jack Fitzpatrick
To play a senior game that doesn't involve the same comedy factor as Round 24 last year. In fact to play another senior game full stop - the last place you want to end your career is on this list.
49. James Magner
Get a game against St Kilda, smash them and wave two fingers in the general direction of their recruiting staff who let you get away.
50. Jai Sheahan
Enjoy having the silliest first name in MFC history. Hopefully en route to playing seniors at some point.
51. Leigh Williams
Make the transition to VFL football comfortably en route to a 2013 debut. Do everything that we wanted Clutterbuck to do before you
Players at other clubs
Do the right thing for the club who made you by stuffing up the Hawks when we play them. Preferably with a failed dinky kick across the goalmouth.
I can't wish him badly but unfortunately as he plays for scum it'll have to be a golden season in a rotten team. Also make Pendlebury look so good that GW$ offer him the most ridiculous contract in history, sucking the Pies into matching it which causes them to lose every other good player on the list and end up in the slop.
To appear in Richmond's team photo with a broad grin before slowly returning to your normal depressive state as the season goes on and you realise that playing for Richmond is even more soul destroying than playing for us.
To be the only player to come out of the Franchise with any credit whatsoever. May you win their Best and Fairest by 300 votes from the Big Setant in second place and then come home to where you belong. The people who didn't appreciate you are gone now, it's safe to come back.
Play at least one blinder in the ones for the sake of your own mental health. As long as it's not against us. Cause me to cop outright abuse from Twitter again after suggesting you'd be better than half our list in the emotional wake of a disappointing loss.
It's about time Richmond weren't complete gash, and as long as they're not competing with us for a spot in the eight I hope Brad goes off his nut. Still doesn't mean I wanted to keep him, even if he kicks 80 goals, but you can't begrudge him some success. Also for Pia to return to the Melbourne fold just for the hornbags.
A fractured kneecap, caused by your kneecap smashing you square in the face as you collapse the ground after suffering two broken ankles. And to invest all your ill-gotten money in Qintex and/or a Nigerian internet scam.
Win the Brownlow. I'm over the proto-Scully anger about him leaving. Hell why not win a flag? If we're not going to win it I could have half a toss which interstate team does (other than the franchises) as long as I don't know any of their fans and don't have to hear about it.
Enjoy enhancing your status as the player with the worst win/loss record in the AFL. Be comforted by the fact you'd have to go 0-18 this year to nudge into the top 20 of all time least successful VFL/AFL players. Did a lot of good work in the 2008-2009 dark seasons and will hopefully stay sane and free of shell-shock long enough to do it again.