I speak on behalf of 37,000 Melbourne members and thousands of people who don't want to see you ruin your life, no matter what the money on offer is, by moving to Sydney and playing for a team who will have such an ugly jersey that even V-Line employees of the 1980's wouldn't have been seen dead wearing one.
As you would no doubt be aware the Greater Western Sydney Giants, a team whose contribution to the sport of Australian Rules Football currently stands at exactly nothing, have made a substantial bid for your services which amounts to approximately one million (presumably Australian, check the contract just in case) dollars per year.
We believe that although our beloved Melbourne Football Club has made a substantial counter offer there is still a significant financial gap between the two and that you would stand to score an extra $2 mil over five years by leaving us and joining the Giants.
Notwithstanding the fact that they have a rubbish American influenced nickname and will almost certainly have the worst theme song in the competition which we want to save you from having to sing, it has become apparent that shady J**d style deals will be needed to make up the difference between the two offers. Adrian Anderson and Andrew Demetriou have said no third party deals will be allowed, but we believe that even they won't be able to deny you when you get a look at the swag on offer below.
I took the liberty of asking a number of MFC fans and concerned citizens who already hate GWS before they've even played a real game what they would contribute to a third party scam, err package, to keep you at the Dees.
What you're about to read will make your decision to stay with us a lot easier. On acceptance of this deal and the signing of a new contract with our football club the individuals and businesses named below have offered you the following Treasure Chest;
From Demonblog - 20 free votes over five years in the Allen Jakovich Medal to be cashed in at your discretion, a Beware The Rhino t-shirt (size tbc), one weekend for two in the historic Northern Victorian town of Omeo, my signed and framed Phil Read trading card (sorry, the glass is busted) and a 1998 MFC jumper with half a number one on the back.
@thefarceblog - A shiny new $2 coin + a 1994 team poster mounted on a board and signed after the team's visit to Hanging Rock Winery + a 2002 Footy Record signed by Luke Molan.
@givemethecure - A discount on buying his car + 10% AT LEAST off at his dad's sports shop + Tom's pick of used novels from his personal collection.
@Jizzlobberz - A 1987 Semi Final Football Record - Melbourne vs Sydney /w Sean Wight on the cover + an ultra rare Melbourne 2000 Premiers cap which survived being destroyed at half time.
@Portsidenews - One free Intralot ticket at Portside News on Bay Street, Port Melbourne (note - this could actually make up the full difference between the two offers)
@amul82 - Free fish and chips at the Plenty General Store, 119 Yan Yean Road, Plenty.
@maesy5 - A "10th coffee free" loyalty card with two coffees already ticked off.
@benno_76 - A VHS copy of the C'mon Demons music video featuring Ricky Jackson climbing out of a locker.
@thomasmperry - A karate kid style early 90's bandana found in a charity donation bin in the Solomon Islands. We would also like to ask you to wear this during a game a'la MFC greats Ditterich/Viney/Schwarz.
@emdowell - A plastic encased playing card of David Schwarz.
@hibbyhibbert - A vintage Coca-Cola yo-yo.
@deesie22 - Landscaping of your yard courtesy of the boys at JScapes (offer only valid if the address is in Melbourne) + a signed, framed poster of Brock McLean.
@philmcgil - $50 straight out + further garden landscaping and labour work.
@jamethmurphy - A photo of the 1999 team signed by Peter "Whopper" Walsh.
@bmcgeorge - A signed copy of Garry Lyon's "Demon Within" + an unopened copy of "Hotter Than Hell 1998" featuring Todd Viney's live updates from inside his kitchen + a set of original WEG Premiership posters (because never forget, we've won premierships)
@melbournefooty - For comparative purposes, a copy of Melbourne FC Since 1858 - An Illustrated History and a blank page to represent the history of GWS.
Demonwiki - $50, one edition of the Football Record from 1956 and a round of golf with Darren Kowal.
@gnaight - The chance to personally fire the MFC trumpet player.
@bentyers - A 2005 membership scarf and a cap signed by Andy Lovell.
@pickle2401 - A bumbag with the slogan "Demons, that's my team!" signed by Rod Grinter.
@doddas - An expensive quantity of felafel and bananas
@roydevers - A sherrin football signed by Rod Grinter and Allen Jakovich + a cap signed by Shaun Smith.
@harcourt666 - A copy of Dan Harrington's "Harrington on Hold 'Em" poker book (Volume 1: Strategic Play)
@dalev34 - A 1994 playing jumper with a badly stitched on #5 signed by David Schwarz.
@mikesarg - An unopened bottle of Shane Woewodin 2000 Brownlow Medal Commemorative Port.
@cjpelican - A collection of $1 and $2 notes.
@frakturedbliss - 1 x 1984 Melbourne Little League Premiership Medallion.
@deeeShow - 1 x "Ron Barassi teaches you Australian Rules" book and a badge featuring Nigel Kol.
@hardtack52 - 1 x vintage LP copy of "Footy Favourites", featuring Robbie Flower singing Macho Man.
@jake_hatt - 1 x 2005 edition of Sydway featuring the streets of Western Sydney ablaze + a set of unused flashing demon horns signed by runner up in the 2004 B&F - Nathan Brown
@jesse_hogan - 1 x slightly tattered poster of Brent Grgic from The Demon magazine
@alexcmssargeant - 6 x signed MFC jumpers - 2 x Stef Martin and 1 x Brad Green, Jeff White, Adem Yze and Luke Tapscott.
@darren_spence - A counter meal at the Burvale with Rod Grinter and Wayne "Moose" Henwood
@biggestred47 - This personalised MFC tackle bag (his name is Jack)
@weeping_wall - A Cam Bruce playing card and a badge to commemorate Jim Stynes' 244th consecutive game.
@mattjfitzgerald - 1 x signed Meeniyan-Dumbalk United '1972 Finalist' football. Even better, they're called the Demons.
@JRRivett - A delicious recipe for panfried Brussels sprouts in butter.
@richhuges - An incredible love song
Also offered non-Twitter users are a football signed by 1975 West Perth premiership player Laurie Heal - son of the 1941 MFC premiership superstar + a pair of lucky jocks + a star to be bought and named after you.
So there you have it Tom. Lloyds of London have conservatively estimate the above cash and prizes to be worth at least $1.25m so the gap really isn't that much when you think about it. I expect you won't be that keen on the fried food and the booze but that's ok, because it means you'll never have to buy anybody a christmas present ever again.
We're also waiting on SEN to respond to our call for donations of Premium Watershed Wines, a free win on the Run Home name game, one of Andy Maher's Daryl Somers-esque jumpers and a chicken dinner with the Gladiators of Sport. Please consider all of these when you're weighing up the above offer.
Remember when everyone talked up the special nature of the number 31 jumper handed to you by the great Ron Barassi at the end of 2009 (please ignore the fact that it was also worn by Donald Cockatoo-Collins and Peter Garratt)? There's more than a hint of irony in the fact that Barass went on to leave us for fame and fortune elsewhere, but that's ok because he also played in six winning Grand Final teams. Sure there might have been a few jumper burnings and posters torn from walls at the time, but everyone has forgiven him based on what he gave us before he left for greener pastures.
So let's look instead at the esteem that one Robert Flower is held in by MFC fans. Many times throughout his career he could have walked out on the then penniless, broken down Melbourne Football Club to make massive money elsewhere but he stayed and is rightly considered to be one of - if not the - most respected and beloved figure ever to pull on a red and blue jumper despite not playing a final until his 270th game.
Tom, you will play many, many finals before your 270th game wherever you go, but only one set of fans is going to properly appreciate it. I know this isn't the 1980's anymore and there's a lot more money in football than there ever was before, but consider just what $3m means. It's entirely possible that even if you take the 'low' offer that Melbourne are putting up you'll still get paid more in the space of a few weeks than Robbie Flower did in his entire 272 game career, and you won't find him lamenting that he didn't take huge money to go to Sydney during the early 80's.
Surely $3m has got to be good enough for anybody, so sign on the dotted line, pocket the prize pack above AND a contract offer that still means you'll earn more than more of the people who are listed will (unfortunately) in their entire lives.
Become an instant legend of this 150+ year old club instead of a big fish in a disinterested pond where nobody gives a toss.
The papers will be waiting here whenever you're ready...