The more Mia the merrier

When the league made this a standalone Thursday night game, I bet they didn't expect one of the teams to have spent two weeks on the phone to Rent-A-Player. Mind you, with the year the AFL has had, they probably meant for this to be played 9am Sunday morning at Glenferrie Oval. Best not to try and make sense of their decisions, you'll end up a gibbering wreck.

The good news is that despite the usual Black Death-style injury crisis, and our first game under a new coach since literally the opening round of the competition's history, we did as required. Not without some drama, with Preliminary Final PTSD-inducing torching of an early lead at Princes Park mysteriously turning into a thumping last quarter and comfortable win.

If you watched on Fox rather than Channel 7 (and now that you're not guaranteed the Tayla Harris giant eye jumper after every goal, why would you sit through the ads?), the pre-match highlights were a) the claim that we've only missed finals once due to finishing every other season in the top eight - as if the current finals system has been in place from season one, and b) an exasperated Daniel Harford saying "What have you done?" on a hot mic. Otherwise, not sure Fox got much benefit from opening the studio for three people to watch the game on TV. Keep that in mind when the price of Kayo goes up to $99.99 a month to pay for their NRL commitments.

For much of the first quarter, it looked like the AFLW showcase would be replaced with 'Melbourne pummels hapless opposition'. Enthusiasts have seen it all before, but it would've been new to somebody. Not that it was a walkover from the first bounce, Hawthorn had more than enough inside 50s in the opening minutes. As the discerning fan knows, an inside 50 on its own is worth SOD ALL. They were either booted straight to a defender, or into open space where the ball could easily be cleared. 

You don't want the ball to get down there in the first place, but it was arriving in the least threatening possible manner. Then, after all their hard/panic work was wasted, we successfully counter-attacked. Mahony roved a contest, regathered after the ball bounced off her foot, and converted - making it a rare Double Crumb. Then former Princes Park inhabitant and ex-Carltonian Mia Austin kicked off the most successful debut in club history, after a mark that initially bounced off her shoulder. She's not going to get four goals every week, and at some point this season I will get misty-eyed and nostalgic about Eden Zanker. But going off early based on one performance, it seems like we've got a decent replacement.

You won't be surprised to discover that Kate Hore was at the heart of everything we did in the first quarter. She missed a set shot after marking between three defenders, but with the Hawthorn backline in full 'Fall of Saigon' disarray, the captain set up Mahony - whose first quarter total was 2/3 of her entire goal output from last season. Just when you might have thought a landslide was on the cards, we did our bit for the good of the game by giving the Hawks their first via unnecessary post-kick contact. 

Not for the last time, Channel 7 missed something crucial while showing a full-screen replay, not expecting a quick play on. I'm not suggesting directing live TV is easy (see: for example, this classic clip). From the next bounce there was a prime example of "some people have no luck", with Jacinta Hose not even lasting one quarter into a debut delayed by three seasons before winding up on the ground looking absolutely crocked. Turned out she had, according to the commentary, simply copped one "in the guts". At the time of writing I've got no idea if that was true or not, but after years of injury drama she was able to return... only to do an ankle in the second quarter.   

Speaking of players with four letter surnames including Ho*e, Kate was on hand for a free and our fourth goal. I can't imagine the hate-watching types were undergoing sudden conversion to the women's game, but I was certainly entertained. Our new BFF Austin's second put it on the verge of a landslide, before we gave them a sniff with the usual DemonTime goal, marked with five seconds left by a player standing unaccompanied in the square.

Other than their all-at-sea defence, Hawthorn had been better value than the score suggested so I'm not surprised they got back in the game, but is a nice quiet evening too much to ask for? Instead, we let the game get uncomfortably tight in the middle quarters. All's well that ends in Melbourne receiving 4x premiership points, but it looked extremely dodgy for a bit. The proper fightback came after a few minutes replaying the bit of the first quarter, where Hawthorn had plenty of chances but couldn't find a way to convert chances - but sadly not the bit with the other team booting goals out the wazoo.

It took Hore hitting the post to inspire them to go the other way, find multiple players standing on their own and... miss again. Thanks for that. But our commitment to keeping things interesting meant gifting them a goal not long after via the least-administrative protected zone 50 ever. Harris ran so close to the player about to kick that she could've patted her on the head. They got another one straight after, which set off John Cena's theme song as post goal music. Does this mean you pick any song that's ever existed (adjusted for content suitability)? I thought the players were handed a big book of approved tunes and had to select from something the league/club/ground had the rights to. If any players are reading, let me sing your goal song. I have no musical talent and once made the Singstar score graph flatline by singing Total Eclipse of the Heart, but it'll get people talking.

If anyone should have a classic WWF goal song, it's Austin, and she calmed things down by outrunning an opponent and soccering home a third. We've had forwards who haven't kicked three goals in a season, so this was all very exciting. But still, the hot start had ended in a stalemate by half time. If Coach Wilson was rubbing his hands together in glee at the start watching Hore, Hanks, and Purcell running riot, now he had to reset and make sure we didn't get run over.

Maybe there was a mystery gale force wind to the right of screen? Apparently not. There were just as many Hawthorn inside 50s as the opening quarter, but this time not straight to defenders for peak rebounding opportunities. Now we were the ones panic kicking forward for lack of spare players, and Hawthorn finally hit the front via a mark that was missed while showing a replay - then nearly got another one straight after and this was confirmed not as much fun as the first quarter. 

We got a chance to calm things down thanks to our old friend Sheriff spinning out of one tackle without realising another one was coming, but Wotherspoon missed. Fair enough, but the speed it departed the defensive 50 at from the kick in was a bit *nervous adjustment of collar*. What looked effortless in the first quarter was now replaced by hanging on for dear life, and even when Harris flew out of nowhere for a team lifting tackle on somebody who'd stolen Steve Urkel's glasses, nothing came of it. Further obscure '90s sitcom references to come, fact fans.

The (false) sense that we may not kick another goal was furthered by Bannan's attempts to run onto a loose ball in the dying seconds, with the bounce getting away from her and ruining the surprise value. It was not our finest quarter, and while the game was still very much winnable I'd gone into my usual 'mentally thinking about terms of surrender' misery. Then it all flipped around again and we pissed it in. Which was nice.

For the first, and probably last, time allow me to paraphrase outdated/likely cancelled comedy character Reg Reagan and say that last week I had no idea who Mia Austin was, now she's my favourite player. Her set shot tipped half a game's momentum on its head, McNamara added another one soon after, and all of sudden we were back in action.

There was even something for those of you playing the niche sport of Matthew Richardson special comments bingo. Unlike most Channel 7 callers, I have no issue at all with him but you can be 100% sure that if there's a 6-6-6 violation he'll go off on one about why there's still a warning. Rare credit to the AFL on not listening to him, realising fans want to see players contesting the ball at a centre bounce, not teams gifted a free forward entry because someone stood in the wrong spot.

Further farce broke out when Hore was penalised for the ball hitting her foot as it went over the line, before the umpires conferred with Mr/Mrs. X for about 30 seconds before somehow coming to the conclusion that it had actually come off the Hawthorn player's shin on the way. Harris felt so strongly about this miscarriage of justice that she gave away a free kick off the ball and left us in the same place we'd started in. Harris and unnecessary free kicks are like Pickett (K) and the occasional haywire attempt at doing something crazy - you can't have the good stuff without the bad. Still, with the margin at an even 12, and Hore likely to kick a handy point at the very least, there would've been questions if we didn't win. [NB: The official stats don't have her giving away any frees, so if somebody else did the crime then blame Channel 7].

The prospect of a Royal Commission into off camera violations was ended by Heath engaging The Matrix to dash through a pack and kick the sealer. Hore could've added a Super Sealer, but did a weird chippy kick from 20 metres out practically directly in front that went wide. It didn't detract from (spoiler) her best on ground status, and made the margin 19 points with three minutes left, so the handy point was delayed but it came eventually.

Obviously, Hawthorn wasn't going to come back from this - much to the disappointment of commentators who tried to pretend the game was still alive as if somebody was holding them at gunpoint - and it was a winning start for the most famous Wilson since the bloke who used to live next door in Home Improvement. It wasn't perfect, but the day I say no to a Round 1 win you can wrap me in a carpet and throw me in Port Phillip Bay.

2026 Daisy Pearce Medal
Welcome to another year of the only footy award named after somebody else's incumbent coach.

5 - Kate Hore
4 - Mia Austin
3 - Olivia Purcell
2 - Tayla Harris
1 - Tyla Hanks

Apologies to Allen, Campbell, Gillard, Heath, Lampard, Mahony and O'Hehir.

Goal of the Week
With apologies to Mahony's opening crumb, you'd be bonkers to look past Heath going hot knife vs butter through Hawthorn's defence.

Next week
Nice to get a win on the board, but it'll need backing up against the Giants on our return to Mt. Variable Weather. Our historical advantage over GWS is so strong that even the one time in seven they beat us was due to some of the most putrid goalkicking in the history of Australian Rules football. Which is no reason to take this challenge lightly, because they've got to get it right eventually. How do you only play a team for the 7th time in a home and away game across 11 seasons? Answers on a postcard marked "We know you don't really care about this competition" to AFL House, Docklands.

Final thoughts
11+ times more of the same please. Preferably without the mid-match comeback scare.