No matter the format you can't help but enjoy a win over Collingwood. Especially one that sinks them to the bottom of the ladder. I'd never have believed that would be the end result when the Pies were three goals up and we were playing with a forward strategy devised by random number generator.
All I knew about women's football before AFLW was that (until the last game) we always beat Footscray. Naturally, when our inaugural list was put together I fancied myself an expert, sensing that it lacked attacking power. On the other hand, Collingwood recruited the best goalkicker in the game, and should presumably have profited handsomely. But now they're on the bottom and their season is over after two weeks. Oh well, bad luck.
It was concerning that after two games - one practice, one real - where the opposition kept Mo Hope quiet by quadruple teaming her we decided to do our bit for fairness by playing one-on-one. When that looked like a disaster in the first few minutes Mick Stinear was probably wistfully thinking back to his glory days winning TAC Cup premierships and wondering if being the first AFLW coach to be sacked would be detrimental for his career. First, she set up a goal by marking in acres of space, then kicked one immediately after to set off my nerves. Indeed I was nervous, for the second week in a row howling at the television in disgust as clear holding the ball decisions went unpaid. Until we did one and were pinched. We even managed to give away another goal from a 50. Just because you've given Jim Stynes' number to somebody from Ireland there's no need to pay tribute to him every week.
Then at three goals to one down at quarter time we discovered that the best way to stop their attack was not to let them get the ball down there in the first place. Which was noble, and kept them to one goal in the second quarter, but was handicapped by another quarter where there was more chance of a UFO hovering over Princes Park than us scoring. It was really starting to get me down, I'm not expecting a freewheeling extravaganza of amazing attacking footy in this competition but the idea of struggling to one or two goals a week didn't appeal. Fortunately, better times were on the way.
If we'd lost there would have also been plenty to say about starting Daisy Pearce forward in the first quarter, where she was tagged to buggery and barely got a kick. All's well that ends well. As the Pies fell off the face of the planet Daisy started to rack up touches at will. She wasn't known as the best player in the women's game for nothing, but it wouldn't count for much without scoring. We had plenty of system-free inside 50s, which Collingwood usually rebounded merrily. At first into attack, then as the game went on only into the midfield, until finally they could barely clear it outside their defensive 50.
Other than the forwards it was, as you'd expect in conditions about 98% drier than last week, a far better showing. There are still a few players who are out of place and run around like me in one of those ill-fated forum games a few years ago - only without the broken elbow from a failed attempt at a smother - but that's understandable. No doubt a few will be moved on at the end of the year to get some actual footy players in. What we do have is a core of quality players, and once you get to the votes you won't be surprised to discover I know who my five favourites are. I'm still not convinced we'll beat Carlton or Adelaide, and suggest we've got about a 1% chance of making the Grand Final but let's reinvestigate that after the Bulldogs game. Anyway, what would following Melbourne be if success was dropped on your doorstep immediately? A few years of suffering is mandatory.
It was clear from the start of the third quarter that we'd got their measure around the ground, it was just a case of whether anyone could fashion a goal. The spark came from frisbee guru Cat Phillips, who decided that instead of crafting one she may as well just snap through from a wacky angle.
I haven't declared an equivalent of the Aaron Davey Goal of the Year award in this competition, but suffice to say if you can kick a better goal than that it's yours. After cruelly chucking her as my favourite player just because of Cranston's malicious bump on a defenceless Brisbane player I'm back on the Catwagon. At least she's a better footy player than Jeremy Howe is a frisbeeist.
From there we made kicking goals look easy, smashing another one in a minute later to make things interesting. Who needed a system, just belt the thing into space and wait for somebody to run onto it. Just as we started to take control, but hadn't yet the hit the lead, the lights started to go out. We'll assume that was just cheap equipment rather than the work of a dodgy Asian betting syndicate. It didn't look too bad on television, but it would have been shithouse at ground level. With the experience of playing in the gloomy slurry of Casey last week, the girls activated Terminator mode and wiped the Pies off the park. Unlike so many men's team comebacks we didn't run out of energy getting back into the game then have nothing left to go on with.
It was an unexpectedly rampant finish - and I do think that we've got the building blocks for a good team in the future. I like Lauren Pearce in the ruck, and our defence was rock solid after their shaky start. Everybody's talking about the established big guns like Paxman, O'Dea, Hickey, Daisy etc... but I've been a big fan of Lily Mithen in both games so far. Until half-time I thought she was our best in trying conditions. The only concern is how much she looks like her dad, giving me flashbacks to him presenting Sunday Scoreboard on the Channel 9 news to the soundtrack of Bruce Hornsby and the Range. Let's hope she doesn't celebrate wins the same way as her old man...
I still wasn't comfortable at three quarter time, but I needn't have worried. Collingwood has now kicked 0.1 in two second halves, which would be a worry for them but is hilarious to the rest of us. The final term was a relaxed rampage, where we even started to find targets inside 50 as Pies defenders realised the euphoria of last week is gone, confronted harsh reality and lost the will to live. The most enjoyable of the last quarter goals was by Shelley Scott, who marked strongly in the pocket from a rank Daisy set shot then ran around and bounced it through an unguarded square. Anyone wearing red and blue and taking advantage of a demoralised opposition to pile on goals in the last quarter is alright by me.
So, we won. And Mia-Rae Clifford became the first AFL player in history to earn household bragging rights by winning a game against their partner. Which is nice. The song was belted out enthusiastically in the middle of the ground, complete with some zany dance routine at the end, then again in the sheds for a job well done. I will never tire of a Melbourne win in any format, let's have more of it. 2017 Debbie Lee Medal for Player of the Year Yes, it's the exact same top five as last week. I can't think that's ever happened before. It's not because they're the only five I know, it's because they're all quite good. 5 - Karen Paxman 4 - Cat Phillips 3 - Lily Mithen 2 - Elise O'Dea 1 - Daisy Pearce Apologies to L. Pearce, Duryea, Scott and Smith.
Leaderboard 7 - Karen Paxman 6 - Lily Mithen, Elise O'Dea, Daisy Pearce 5 - Cat Phillips I'm glad that our cheersquad gets a break from handcrafting their award-winning banners, and that we've roped iSelect into paying to sponsor ours. And they do look excellent, but I can't help myself but defer to the simple, homemade one that the Pies had. 1-1 for the season. Media Watch I'm impressed by Daisy Pearce's performance in the Chemist Warehouse ad. The only problem is that now she has to kick a goal to make it realistic, which might have been what was going through her head when she missed that set shot at the end. In the realm of modern-day Melbourne players in TV ads I'd rank her above Jack Watts for Energy Watch (*spit*) and Mitch Clark being sexually harassed by female motorists for Ultratune. Next Week The Bulldogs game will be the other half of a doubleheader with the pre-season men's game - and given that I've barely got the time to get to one game these days I'll be struggling to get to the Western Oval for the main event. So, on that note would you please consider contributing a guest review? Let me know before the game via your favourite social media channel or email. Same deal for the Carlton game, and the way our kooky fixture includes travel to Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth in the last three weeks I think that's my hopes of making to any game short of the Grand Final shot. So, if you want to take over full reporting duties for any of the games then you are more than welcome. As for team changes next week your guess is as good as mine - presumably Meg Downie misses after being flattened and going off on a stretcher, but with such small playing lists it doesn't make sense to replace her with the returning Cranston. Do we have any defenders left in reserve? I look forward to a glorious future where I know the who's who of our list like I do the guys. Final Thoughts This is good, I've already moved beyond all the shiny happy breaking down barriers stuff and am treating like this team like I would the men. Halfway through the game trying to sack everybody, then trying to desperately backpeddle once they win. Let's see how the momentum goes when the (let's be honest here) real stuff begins next week and there are competing priorities.
The early criticisms levelled at the new AFL Women's competition have been that the games are low scoring, the players aren't skillful enough and the league is heavily subsidising teams to take part. Show me something I haven't been watching at the men's level for years.
You are of course free to ignore it, just try not to make a Rex Hunt of yourself like Twitterists with egg logos who say nonsense phrases like 'virtue signalling'. I'm all for it, not expecting the 1989 Grand Final to break out helps you enjoy what it is. More than the issue of gender equality or the fact that my kid now has a chance of playing professionally, I'm into it because there's a side called Melbourne. To be honest I'd watch televised Little League if we were involved.
At 4pm I felt guilty about not being there for the birth of a new team. I only squibbed it because I'd rather not go to Casey once a season let alone twice in one month. The prospect of large crowds didn't help either, being stuck in any ground that's one step up from a suburban park with nowhere to move is my idea of hell. Then it started pissing down like the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse were about to float past and it was obvious that I'd made the right decision. Call me when we play at an established ground somewhere closer than Cranbourne.
Ultimately the only advantage to travelling for an hour to see us kick one goal and lose in pelting rain would have been for historical value. Everyone expected us to win and we didn't - ladies, that's what playing for the Melbourne Football Club is all about.
Things almost started perfectly. As much as I declared Ultimate Frisbee champion Cat Phillips to be my favourite player pre-season, based on nothing more than her involvement in a novelty sport, I'd chucked her by the five minute mark and started supporting Rocky Cranston instead. She should have had the first goal with a piece of classic crumb but shot wide. Then, to confirm her status at the top of my list, Rocky murdered some hapless Lions defender with a bump and will probably be the first player in the competition suspended. Later in the first quarter she attempted a snap without a boot, and it's not clear if she ever managed to find it because I don't think she got another kick.
I know they scheduled the game at Casey before realising big numbers would be interested, and without access to a super long range weather forecast, but it was the worst place for spectacle. All discussions about the quality of football should be conducted against a split-screen view of some of the horrendous VFL games the Scorpions have played there. It's the black hole of death for quality footy at the best of times, let alone for a new competition.
We were dominant early, but it came to nothing due to a complete lack of spark up forward. The usual tricky Cranbourne wind was blowing towards our end - sadly now without classic Casey sponsor Lurline Liquor - but eight minutes camped in attack generated just two behinds. So far, so Melbourne. After wasting the early advantage it started pissing down, making it even less likely we'd take advantage of the breeze. That we did not - failing to kick a goal with it all day. Mind you we only got one against it, so who knows if the conditions were to blame or not.
I'm not going to live or die on this competition like I do the seniors, but my rampant pro-MFC bias was on show within the first few minutes when I was yelling at the TV for frees during some heavily suspect 'let the play go' umpiring. It seems dropping the ball doesn't exist in this competition either.
By quarter time we were 3-0 up. On paper that was complete bollocks, but long-term readers will know I think there's something beautiful about a low scoring game. It makes every goal crucial, and while we don't want every losing team to kick one per game it meant subconsciously tensing up when Brisbane went into attack and automatically assuming there'd be no score when we did.
Ironically I had to watch most of the second quarter on delay after trying to convince my kid not to go outside in a storm. All that meant was waiting an extra 15 minutes to see Brisbane kick the first goal after we'd done all the hard work. Reversing the trend set by the men, we had an excellent chance to get it straight back by breaking out of the middle, only to turn the ball over immediately. That was the story of the day, long and hopeful roosts into the forward line that were effortlessly mopped up by defenders. That would be your homage to Queen's Birthday 2015. Later the tributes to the men's team continued as our ruck was clawed in the face and didn't get a free.
We kept up the pressure inside 50, but as much as I enjoyed Cranston shirtfronting with the spirit of Byron Pickett it doesn't look like we've got much going for us up front. Given the number of kicks that are going to miss the target going inside 50, having quick, small forwards who can gather on the run is going to be equally important as your traditional full-forward. Instead, it took a loose ball to get our first and (hopefully I never write this again) goal. Cranbourne resident Jasmine Grierson used her experience playing in shit local conditions to gather and snap us back in front. Remember the name for trivia nights - and if you're at a trivia night where they're asking obscure MFC related questions you've done well.
It was weird that some players were playing their first game of footy (presumably other than the practice match). I wonder how many good local women's players were throwing things at the TV watching rowers and frisbee players having a bash? It's understandable that the Darebin Falcons have got 16 players in the league given that they've won a million flags in a row, but what are the other six from their premiership side doing? I guess there's more publicity value from rolling out WNBL players and hoping for the best than lists full of random suburbanites without media value. It also seems NQR that this league uses a smaller ball than established competitions (according to the coverage on Friday night, scientists informed the AFL that women had smaller hands. Which is one of the worst applications of science ever). Did Darebin win flags out the wazoo because they were the only ones who could play with a normal size ball?
In a surprise twist, the second quarter was called off early due to lightning. Given that we were kicking into the breeze it would have been great news for us if they'd just called it off and come back for the third quarter, instead they took half time early and played the last three minutes after the break. Naturally, we used those three minutes to concede against the run of play.
After half times both real and fake the game degenerated into everyone chasing the ball then kicking it as long as they possibly could. If the AFL made this 16-a-side to try and judge the merits of doing that in the men's competition (for god's sake no) they would have struck this game from evidence, especially with the number of throw-ins. Mark my words, the next step will be introducing the hated last kick/free kick boundary rule.
Brisbane got their second goal, while we continued to look as potent as the year Chris Dawes led our goalkicking with 20. Back then I thought it was just because we didn't get it inside 50 enough, this time we got it down there plenty but most of them were no more than hopeful hoofs. Pack marks were at a premium in the conditions, but the Lions forwards certainly looked more likely to do it than ours. We were at a major disadvantage in marks overall, with their top three players having more than our entire 22 combined. Has anyone organised a forum thread to discuss sacking the recruiters and/or the coach yet?
The rain disappeared for a while, before bucketing down again at three quarter time. With respect to the players and the suggestion of Kelli Underwood that "nobody has left" I would certainly have done a runner at this point. If you've ever tried to drive out of Casey Fields in perfect conditions you'll know how treacherous it would be to beat 6000 people to the out of the car park in bucketing rain. If you were able to extract your car from a ditch in the first place. In this case, I was quite happy to be at home.
It said it all that Brisbane dominated the intercept marks and held an 8% better kicking efficiency (what happened to disposal efficiency?). We had a lot of kicks forward, but most of them were just panicky hoof-and-hope jobs. Let's see how it goes in the dry, but seemingly without the quick forwards I'm feeling less optimistic about this season. But who's better at complaining about Round 1 results than us?
I dare say we're not going to win this competition, all the other winners this week will clean us up without too many problems. With only six games left and the top two making the Grand Final we were already in big trouble courtesy of the percentage boosting wins elsewhere. It's curtains if we lose next week, and I for one am in a filthy mood because of it.
2017 Debbie Lee Medal for Player of the Year
5 - Daisy Pearce
4 - Elise O'Dea
3 - Lily Mithen
2 - Karen Paxman
1 - Cat Phillips
Crowd Watch
As the players evacuated the field for the early half-time Shaun Smith was seen wandering past the camera. He was one of a conveniently announced crowd of '6500' that helped carry the total attendance for the competition's first weekend over 50,000. At least change the last couple of digits if you're going to pretend it's the real figure.
Down with the introduction of a curtain, but otherwise it was quite the lovely banner. More printed than letters applied to crepe paper, but that doesn't matter. Don't know if Brisbane even had one. If they did I didn't see it, certainly did see it if they did so let's say 1-0 Dees.
Next Week
Collingwood next Saturday night - currently scheduled for Olympic Park Oval but sure to be moved due to that being a shit ground with zero facilities. There's talk about them running it as a double header with an earlier game at Princes Park, presumably meaning a bigger crowd. I expect that Moanna Hope will bounce back from suffering the league's first Media Curse to kick eight.
Final Thoughts
I'm not going to pull my hair out over this competition, but for god's sake can we just avoid the wooden spoon?
Democracy has had a bad run recently, but Demonbracket 2017 is refreshingly free of Russian influence and ready to begin on Monday 30 January. This is the sixth time the competition has been held, and the draw was conducted under government supervision at an undisclosed location on the morning on Friday 27 January 2017. For more on the history of the tournament, please consult our preview show.
Rules
The voting criteria for each match-up is your personal business. It need not have anything to do with football if you don't want it to, but if does then the best of British luck to you. We won't ask questions, and nor should anyone else. If anyone tries to vote shame you denounce them on the internet.
Voting will be conducted between 0700 and 1900 AEDST unless otherwise noted
You must cast a valid vote for every match that day or none of your votes on that day's matches will count (I'll try and remind you where possible by there are no guarantees).
You must pick a winner in every match up. No half votes, no "I can't split them". Yes you can, and you must.
Non-MFC fans are more than welcome to vote as long as you follow all other rules
Players are more than welcome to use social media, real media or paid advertising to promote themselves. Outright bribery is not permitted.
Players may vote for themselves as long as they also vote in the other matchups of the day as per the above rules
In the event of a tie both players will advance to the next round, except in the case of the Grand Final where a replay will be held the following day.
If a match features three or more players and two or more tie for the most votes they will advance with all other players eliminated.
We reserve the right to refuse an excessive number of multiple votes from the same person using multiple accounts
Voting will once again be conducted in an open format (Twitter, BigFooty. and Facebook) to keep it interesting but if you're really keen on your privacy or have an intense hatred of social media you can email me daily via demonblogger AT gmail.com
The decision of the Demonbracket Organising Committee is final. Unless somebody takes us to the Court of Arbitration for Sport in Lucerne.
2017 specific rule
The organising committee has determined that as Heritier Lumumba will remain a senior listed player in 2017 that he may participate in this event. Previously unavailable players to compete include Maia Westrupp, Jesse Hogan and Jake Melksham. If you don't like it don't vote for him.
The tournament
Preliminary Round
Monday 30 January
Clayton Oliver d. Mitch White 106-4 Alex Neal-Bullen d. Heritier Lumumba 102-8 Jake Melksham d. Mitch Hannan 72-38 Josh Wagner d. Liam Hulett 76-29 Oscar McDonald d. Tim Smith 88-17 Declan Keilty d. Corey Maynard 56-4
Tuesday 31 January
Christian Petracca d. Jay Kennedy-Harris 70-36 Ben Kennedy d. Pat McKenna 81-25 Tomas Bugg d. Sam Weideman and Michael Hibberd 59-43-4 Sam Frost d. Mitch King 101-7 Jayden Hunt d. Lachlan Filipovic 102-6 Jordan Lewis d. Joel Smith and Dion Johnstone 83-18-7
Round 1
Wednesday 1 February
1. Jack Viney d. Jack Trengove 101-12
Clayton Oliver vs Aaron vandenBerg 100-13
Tomas Bugg vs Jordan Lewis 64-49
8. Jesse Hogan d. Oscar McDonald 106-7
Thursday 2 February
5. Jack Watts d. Neville Jetta 86-26
Cameron Pedersen d. Jake Spencer 96-16
Jeff Garlett d. Josh Wagner 78-34
4. Dom Tyson d. Alex Neal-Bullen 97-15
Friday 3 February
3. Max Gawn d. Ben Kennedy 104-6
Angus Brayshaw d. Christian Salem 59-51
Jayden Hunt d. Colin Garland 90-20
6. Tom McDonald d. Declan Keilty 106-4
Monday 6 February
Christian Petracca d. 7. Bernie Vince 59-50
Dean Kent d. Jake Melksham 102-7
Billy Stretch d. Sam Frost 75-34
2. Nathan Jones d. James Harmes 101-8 Round 2
Tuesday 7 February
1. Jack Viney d. Clayton Oliver 84-24
8. Jesse Hogan d. Tomas Bugg 73-35
5. Jack Watts d. Cameron Pedersen 93-15
4. Dom Tyson d. Jeff Garlett 88-20 Wednesday 8 February
3. Max Gawn d. Angus Brayshaw 110-11
Jayden Hunt d. 6. Tom McDonald 85-36
Christian Petracca d. Dean Kent 85-36
2. Nathan Jones d. Billy Stretch 98-23
Quarter Finals - Thursday 9 and Friday 10 February
1. Jack Viney d. 8. Jesse Hogan 76-44
5. Jack Watts d. 4. Dom Tyson 93-27
3. Max Gawn d. Jayden Hunt 84-27
2. Nathan Jones d. Christian Petracca 80-31
Semi Finals - Monday 13 February
1. Jack Viney d. 5. Jack Watts 67-66
3. Max Gawn d. 2. Nathan Jones 96-37
Final - Tuesday 14 February
3. Max Gawn d. 1. Jack Viney 106-36
What's more exciting about the AFL pre-season than making an arbitrary decision about which player you prefer? It's certainly better than waiting patiently for the first person to do their knee in a pothole during pre-season training.
Yes, it's almost time for our sixth (!) installment of Demonbracket - the off-season tradition that brings a small part of the fanbase of a lightly supported club to a standstill. The anticipation is so palpable that I completely forgot to write this post for the entire month of December.
Here's how we got here...
Honour Roll 2012 - James Frawley d. Nathan Jones 2013 - Tom McDonald d. Mitch Clark 2014 - Nathan Jones d. Jack Watts 2015 - Nathan Jones d. Dom Tyson 2016 - Jack Viney d. Nathan Jones We learnt our lesson about ending the tournament too close to a game from 2013 when Captain Sizzle stormed to the title on a wave of public support then was still on a high flubbed his first disposal the next night - so with the first game in the Jailbait Community Shield on Saturday February 18 this tournament is scheduled to start on Monday 30 January and end Tuesday 14 February. This gives the finalists a few days to either bar down or get over their defeat before the real stuff starts, and unlike the AFL pre-season somebody comes out of it with a championship. What a Valentine's Day it will be this year, with votes flying in from all corners of the globe. Tell your significant other/various polyamorous lovers to "get stuffed" while you hang out nervously waiting for the results shortly after 1900hrs. Last year Jack Viney ended the 24 month reign of the man known around AAMI Park as 'Mr. Demonbracket' Nathan Jones, but as the Dees clamber out of the toilet towards what we all hope will be long-term respectability he'll face a difficult task in retaining the championship. The draws for the preliminary and first rounds will be conducted live on Twitter @demonblog from 0900 on Friday 27 January. If you are a celebrity of any level higher than Esme Watson from A Country Practice and would like to dip your hand into our balls please get in contact. Ideally we'd like to appoint somebody who provides the flair, panache and future taste for world domination displayed in the drawing of the 1992 Rumbelows Cup quarter finals:
And now, the all important rules that are the same every year:
Rules
The voting criteria for each match-up is your personal business. It need not have anything to do with football if you don't want it to, but if does then the best of British luck to you. We won't ask questions, and nor should anyone else. If anyone tries to vote shame you denounce them on the internet.
Voting will be conducted between 0700 and 1900 AEDST unless otherwise noted
You must cast a valid vote for every match that day or none of your votes on that day's matches will count (I'll try and remind you where possible by there are no guarantees).
You must pick a winner in every match up. No half votes, no "I can't split them". Yes you can, and you must.
Non-MFC fans are more than welcome to vote as long as you follow all other rules
Players are more than welcome to use social media, real media or paid advertising to promote themselves. Outright bribery is not permitted.
Players may vote for themselves as long as they also vote in the other matchups of the day as per the above rules
In the event of a tie both players will advance to the next round, except in the case of the Grand Final where a replay will be held the following day.
If a match features three or more players and two or more tie for the most votes they will advance with all other players eliminated.
We reserve the right to refuse an excessive number of multiple votes from the same person using multiple accounts
Voting will once again be conducted in an open format (Twitter, BigFooty. and Facebook) to keep it interesting but if you're really keen on your privacy or have an intense hatred of social media you can email me daily via demonblogger AT gmail.com
The decision of the Demonbracket Organising Committee is final. Unless somebody takes us to the Court of Arbitration for Sport in Lucerne.
2017 specific rule
The organising committee has determined that as Heritier Lumumba will remain a senior listed player in 2017 that he may participate in this event. Previously unavailable players to compete include Maia Westrupp, Jesse Hogan and Jake Melksham. If you don't like it don't vote for him.
The seeds As usual the defending champion is seeded first, followed by the top seven survivors from the previous year's Best and Fairest. In this case it's made easy, because the Demonbracket 2016 voters cast an eye to the future with their votes and gave Jack Viney his first big win of the season.
1. Jack Viney 2. Nathan Jones 3. Max Gawn 4. Dom Tyson 5. Jack Watts 6. Tom McDonald 7. Bernie Vince 8. Jesse Hogan Non-seeded players with a bye to Round 1 The 12 byes into the first round are awarded based on the most games played by the remaining contestants. 9. Colin Garland 10. Neville Jetta
11. Jack Trengove 12. Dean Kent 13. Cameron Pedersen 14. Jeff Garlett 15. Jake Spencer 16. Angus Brayshaw 17. Christian Salem 18. Aaron vandenBerg
19. James Harmes 20. Billy Stretch
Players entered in the Preliminary Round (10 regular matches and two triple threats) Order number determined by total games then order of addition to the list. 21. Heritier Lumumba 22. Jay Kennedy-Harris 23. Jayden Hunt 24. Sam Frost 25. Tomas Bugg 26. Christian Petracca 27. Oscar McDonald
28. Ben Kennedy
29. Alex Neal-Bullen
30. Josh Wagner
31. Clayton Oliver
32. Mitch White
33. Sam Weideman
34. Jake Melksham
35. Joel Smith
36. Liam Hulett
37. Mitchell King
38. Corey Maynard
39. Jordan Lewis
40. Michael Hibberd
41. Pat McKenna
42. Mitch Hannan
43. Dion Johnstone
44. Lachlan Filipovic
45. Tim Smith
46. Declan Keilty
The tournament
Preliminary Round
Monday 30 January (0700 to 1300)
Clayton Oliver vs Mitch White
Heritier Lumumba vs Alex Neal-Bullen
Jake Melksham vs Mitch Hannan
Monday 30 January (1300 to 1900)
Liam Hulett vs Josh Wagner
Tim Smith vs Oscar McDonald
Corey Maynard vs Declan Keilty
Tuesday 31 January (0700 to 1300)
Christian Petracca vs Jay Kennedy-Harris
Ben Kennedy vs Pat McKenna
Sam Weideman vs Tomas Bugg vs Michael Hibberd
Tuesday 31 January (1300 to 1900)
Mitchell King vs Sam Frost
Lachlan Filipovic vs Jayden Hunt
Joel Smith vs Dion Johnstone vs Jordan Lewis
Round 1
Wednesday 1 February
1. Jack Viney vs Jack Trengove
Clayton Oliver OR Mitch White vs Aaron vandenBerg
Sam Weideman OR Tomas Bugg OR Michael Hibberd vs Joel Smith OR Dion Johnstone OR Jordan Lewis
Tim Smith OR Oscar McDonald vs 8. Jesse Hogan
Thursday 2 February
5. Jack Watts vs Neville Jetta
Jake Spencer vs Cameron Pedersen
Jeff Garlett vs Liam Hulett OR Josh Wagner
Heritier Lumumba OR Alex Neal-Bullen vs 4. Dom Tyson
Friday 3 February
3. Max Gawn vs Ben Kennedy OR Pat McKenna
Christian Salem vs Angus Brayshaw
Colin Garland vs Lachlan Filipovic OR Jayden Hunt
Corey Maynard OR Declan Keilty vs 6. Tom McDonald
Monday 6 February
7. Bernie Vince vs Christian Petracca OR Jay Kennedy-Harris
Jake Melksham OR Mitch Hannan vs Dean Kent
Mitchell King OR Sam Frost vs Billy Stretch
James Harmes vs 2. Nathan Jones
Round 2 - Tuesday 7 and Wednesday 8 February Quarter Finals - Thursday 9 and Friday 10 February Semi Finals - Monday 13 February Final - Tuesday 14 February
19. Early period Barass in "I'm going to rip your throat out" pose.
18. The short lived phenomenon where players had to look away from the camera was given the appropriate amount of respect by Robert Flower, who is clearly trying not to piss himself laughing.
17. Tony Dullard followed this shot with an album of power ballads.
5. Phil Seaton perfects the art of looking like a stoned 14-year-old girl.
4. Bet you he wouldn't have been that happy if he'd known what he was getting himself into.
3. There are no words to describe what is going on this photo of Tony Barnes. Just make sure the kids are kept away. Too late? Well that's not our fault.
2. Ken Roberts was just happy to be there. Really, really, really happy.
1. Ray Biffin in the all-time #1 prototype shot for footballers who want to look utterly baffled in their card shot. The only thing that could have made it better was a look at his gap-tastic teeth.
Part 2
20. Late period Baker once he'd become respectable/been put in a headlock by Barassi
19.
[Lost image and no idea who it referred to so I can replace it - this is going well] We should have known there was something wrong with this guy. Oh that's right we did. [Have a picture of Russell Robertson being outmarked by a dog to compensate]
18. Early Giles. 9 parts Hulk Hogan, 1 part ready to go even more zany.
16. There's something unexplainably dodgy about Cameron Clayton in this shot.
15. Big Carl has the look of a man who is about to bury you under the floorboards. Good work Carl and watch out innocent bystanders.
14. Icke fails to take the opportunity to do an appropriately cheesy shot (do you see what we did there?) and instead gives a proto-80's version of Blue Steel complete with small rodent on top lip.
13. Shockingly this is only the THIRD most disturbing photo of Garry we have. Continue.
12. It's no surprise that Glenn Giles qualifies for this list...
11. ... given that he was related to this pimp mf'er...
6. Clayton returns in bearded deer in headlights shot
5. ((Sleepless in Melbourne, Single and looking|Robert Elliott))
4. Brent Crosswell took a moment out of robbing stagecoaches and tying maidens to train tracks to stand there and say "if you laugh at my mo I will tear out your throat". And who'd bet against him?
3. Sorry Peter, you're one of the best - and that jaw could kill somebody but there's no way you can beat...
Well here we are at last, three weeks later than last year due to other commitments. This is the time of the year where we gather, wrap the previous season in an old carpet and bury it in a shallow bush grave. This year we could afford to wait a few more weeks, because despite what happened in the last fortnight the stench wasn't as offensive as it had been in previous years.
So, after the surprise entrance of a player who has won as many premierships since 2008 as we've had since 1957 let's get on with the show. All the guests are gathered in the Chris Heffernan Convention Centre in Mosul, Iraq so without further ado please stand for the national anthem.
And now, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome your host for the second consecutive year - the man who has been in a bunker since 2010. Let's hope he makes it through the entire ceremony before going back into hiding again this time. Over to you Keith.
"Well thank you, and it is truly an honour to be asked back to host again this year. Before emerging from my bunker I sought assurances that the Demons enjoyed significant improvement during 2016. As I scan through this list of results I can certainly see that they did get better.
Hey, in Round 21 we were still an outside chance of making the finals. I wonder what happened from there...
Oh... sod the lot of you I'm going back underground"
Well I've got no time for this, I'm going to have to find somebody else to do this. Somebody who can be the butt of topical gags that will be completely bloody mystifying in 12 months, somebody who knows what it's like to lose millions of dollars, somebody who has touched everybody he's come in contact with.
Like The Spencil is a poor 'break in case of emergency substitute' for Max Gawn this man isn't our ideal host but he'll do. Time to inject ourselves into somebody else's political system uninvited, with your replacement guest host....
"Hi everybody, it's fantastic to be here.
[insert hours of comedy relating to Donald's platform of wall-building and wacky views about grabbing people on the unmentionables]
Now let's get on with the first award of the evening, the result of which was most likely rigged by the criminals who operate this site.
2016 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance
After years of being on the end of satire from the dregs of society and Melbourne supporters alike this man finally climbed to the heights he was threatening to reach in 2011, before 186 and a new coach intent on attaching jumper leads to his testicles turned up.
Unlike 2015 winner the late Heritier Lumumba, Jack's form continued into the real season as well. Where he rejected the lure of free agency and chose to stay with the club for the long-haul. Congratulations to Jack on his first piece of career silverware and we are all well keen for more in the future.
Leaderboard
14 - Jack Watts
9 - Jack Viney
8 - Max Gawn
6 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Jesse Hogan, Nathan Jones, Ben Kennedy
3 - Lynden Dunn, Aaron vandenBerg
2 - Jeff Garlett, Bernie Vince
1 - Neville Jetta, Christian Salem
Honour roll
2008 - Aaron Davey
2009 - Cameron Bruce
2010 - Brad Green
2011 - Colin Sylvia
2012 - Nathan Jones
2013 - Nathan Jones (2)
2014 - Jeremy Howe
2015 - Heritier Lumumba
2016 - Jack Watts
2016 Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year
This was not a hard one to judge, in the most dominant demolition job in the history of Demonblog awards the winner stomped his competitors - because in the end there weren't any. Nobody else averaged 10 hitouts a game to be eligible, but to be sure of victory the $1.80 pre-season favourite almost won the main event as well.
For the third time, tying Mark Jamar and Jeff White for the all-time record, your winner is Max Gawn.
Oddly enough despite becoming the All Australian ruckman the MFC website never bothered to upload his 2016 photo to their website, so we are still forced to look into the haunted eyes of a man who is wondering when they'll start playing him to his considerable strengths instead of at full forward in VFL games.
Leaderboard
0 - Max King, Mitch King, Jake Spencer
DQ - Sam Frost, Cameron Pedersen, Jack Watts
Honour Roll
2005 - Jeff White
2006 - Jeff White (2)
2007 - Jeff White (3)
2008 - Paul Johnson
2009 - Mark Jamar ($3)
2010 - Mark Jamar (2) ($1.50 fav)
2011 - Stefan Martin ($30)
2012 - Stefan Martin (2) ($12)
2013 - Jack Fitzpatrick ($50) and Max Gawn ($45)
2014 - Mark Jamar (3) ($5)
2015 - Max Gawn (2) ($10)
2016 - Max Gawn (3) ($1.80)
Demonbracket V
Time flies, it only seems like yesterday since Rohan Bail defeated Jake Spencer 37-3 in the first ever Demonbracket matchup (but given that The Spencil is still on the list who's laughing now?), and now here we are almost six years on.
Some say the introduction of the bracket in the 2012 pre-season was the final push the club needed over the edge from shambles to utter disaster, and they may be right but it doesn't mean we're stopping now. From the heights of 2013 when Tom McDonald sizzled his way to fame, to the dizzying lows of last year when players couldn't give a rats we've seen it all.
This year the torch was passed from two time winner Nathan Jones to the master's apprentice. Congratulations Jack Viney, who rode the momentum of being voted the People's Champion into a season where he was a Brownlow contender before punching Brad/Brett (whichever one) Ebert in his angular head.
Competition dates will be confirmed when the pre-season fixture is released, but what we do know is that the top eight finishers in the Best and Fairest all survived into the new season so there's no drama with the seedings.
1 - Jack Viney
2 - Nathan Jones
3 - Max Gawn
4 - Dom Tyson
5 - Jack Watts
6 - Tom McDonald
7 - Bernie Vince
8 - Jesse Hogan
It promises to be the most exciting bracket yet, with any number of those contenders a chance at lifting the title. We'll also have the dramatic scenario of all of Michael Hibberd, Jordan Lewis and Jake Melksham starting from the preliminary round as zero game players. Here's to us drafting some players with kooky names to throw further confusion into the mix.
I may run a Women's Team bracket in the warm-up to that season starting. Where else will you get the chance to vote for an ultimate frisbee player?
2016 Year in Review - Part one
NAB Challenge match one vs Port Adelaide - Building dreams from the ground up
Where we were all at sea on an unusually large ground in the first half, before giving everyone a thrill by storming back to pip the Power in what was an otherwise pointless match.
NAB Challenge match two vs Footscray - This is living
Where we ventured to Craigieburn, watched Goldenballs Boyd struggle into a vicious breeze and had no earthly idea that the season would end with the Bulldogs winning the flag while we barely held on to mid-table mediocrity.
NAB Challenge match three vs St Kilda - Beware the tides of March
Where we completed the perfect pre-season and emerged with nothing to show for it except good feelings and the hope that we might not end the season as an impediment on the competition again.
Round 1 vs Greater Western Sydney - The life erotic
Where we narrowly held on to win despite that little turd $cully having a flying ping at goal in the dying seconds. If it had gone in before the siren I'd have been banned from attending or viewing any of the 21 games to follow.
Round 2 vs Essendon - The Mouse That Bored
Where I realised that it might have been better if we'd lost to GWS, because we'd probably have taken the Bombers more seriously and not ended the day looking like complete dickheads. I tried to laugh off the effects of defeat until I accidentally drove on the wrong side of the road on the way home.
Round 3 vs North Melbourne - Divine wind
Where we travelled to Hobart, failed to contend with a cyclonic seven goal breeze to one end of the ground, went seven goals down, came back to get in front, went behind again and launched a furious last minute comeback which went within seconds of coming off. For the first time Max Gawn's claims that he wanted to be the top ruckman in the competition were taken seriously after his 100 hitout battle with Todd Goldstein.
Round 4 vs Collingwood - Floating to the surface
Where we levelled our record in the first month of the season for the first game in years, as Nathan Buckley wasted Scott Pendlebury in defence while we racked up a match-winning lead. The Pies never got close again, I saw an extremely fat man importing his own food into a catered corporate box, Jeremy Howe made a high profile blunder and a good time was had by all.
Round 5 vs Richmond - Gawn Service
Where we finally won two games in a row in the same season for the first time in five years, as Richmond were so easily dispatched that Alex Rance went nuts and hammered Jack Watts in the back of the head. Earlier Tomas Bugg had launched the Era of Buggery by starting fights with anyone he could find and 'shhhing' the Tigers cheersquad as he ran into an open goal. This caused celebrity Richmond fan Jon Ralph to have a sook.
Round 6 vs St Kilda - Don't believe the hype
Where we ended a week of saturation media coverage by playing a blockbusting five minutes then dying in the arse. Whatever a defensive zone is supposed to do ours didn't qualify, and Jesse Hogan picked the wrong week to kick seven goals because everyone was too busy complaining to remember him doing it.
Round 7 vs Gold Coast - How I learned to stop worrying and love the long bomb
Where we came, saw and conquered in Australia's sporting graveyard. At one point we were piling on so many goals with such ease that I took off around my house doing a high steppin' celebration. We should have pushed on to win by 100 but a thumping victory was a reasonable consolation prize.
Round 8 vs Footscray - Throw your hate in the ring
Where we lost by five goals but it felt like we lost by 15. The Bulldogs were still not much more than fringe top four contenders, but we were clearly not a finals side. The rest of the season was seemingly to be endured not enjoyed.
Round 9 vs Brisbane - I knew the bridge when she used to be a moll
Where we finally dismissed a shit team with ease, even after necking our chances of a massive win with one quarter of failed razzle dazzle football. After two months of forming a great partnership the Watts/Hogan combination fizzled when Jesse decided to team up with Jeff Garlett instead.
Round 10 vs Port Adelaide - Assisted Football Living
Where we went to Alice Springs and the loss prompted everyone to complain about selling games interstate without stopping to consider that we played such a loose style of optional defence that Port would have rumbled us on any ground in the free world.
2016 Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
For the second time in three years your Hollywood style novelty goal was beaten to the title by a nice, well taken set shot at a crucial time. The ball is back in the court of Jeff Garlett and Co. to do something remarkable and/or ridiculous.
Congratulations to Jack Watts, who takes the prize home for his winning goal against Gold Coast. Still not convinced Wagner meant to kick it directly to him but who's complaining?
Despite never winning Jeff Garlett retains a clear lead in all-time nominations with 12.
Nominees
Round 1 - Ben Kennedy
Round 2 - Jeff Garlett
Round 3 - Dean Kent
Round 4 - Jack Watts
Round 5 - Jeff Garlett [2]
Round 6 - Nathan Jones
Round 7 - Jeff Garlett [3]
Round 8 - Christian Petracca
Round 9 - Jeff Garlett [4]
Round 10 - Max Gawn
Round 11 - Dean Kent [2]
Round 12 - Christian Petracca [2]
Round 13 - Christian Petracca [3]
Round 15 - Jeff Garlett [5]
Round 16 - Dean Kent [3]
Round 17 - Jack Viney
Round 18 - Christian Petracca [4]
Round 19 - Jack Watts [2]
Round 20 - Jayden Hunt
Round 21 - Nathan Jones [2]
Round 22 - Jayden Hunt [2]
Round 23 - Angus Brayshaw
Honour Roll
2014 - Christian Salem
2015 - Nathan Jones
2016 - Jack Watts
2016 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year
He started life as a forward, and had to fight back from being given the arse to return via the rookie list. Now we crown our first 'small' defender winner of this award since 2012. Congratulations Nifty, may somebody outside the Dees recognise that you're one of the best small defenders in the competition eventually.
His rise to prominence would have given hope to Viv Michie when they tried to convert him into a defender as well. That didn't work nearly as well and he was soon delisted.
19 - Neville Jetta
12 - Jayden Hunt
11 - Tom McDonald
8 - Christian Salem, Billy Stretch
2 - Heritier Lumumba
0 - Lynden Dunn, Colin Garland, Jack Grimes, , Dean Terlich
DQ - Tomas Bugg, Sam Frost, Cameron Pedersen
Honour Roll
2005 - Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson (shared)
2006 - Jared Rivers
2007 - Paul Wheatley
2008 - Matthew Whelan
2009 - James Frawley ($22)
2010 - James Frawley [2] ($3.50)
2011 - James Frawley [3] ($4)
2012 - Jack Grimes ($7)
2013 - James Frawley [4] ($2.80)
2014 - Lynden Dunn ($25)
2015 - Tom McDonald ($14)
2016 - Neville Jetta ($13)
2016 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year
In a narrow field the only three players to poll in the Hilton this year fought out a ding dong battle for the title, with Hunt bridging a five point gap with a last round best on ground in what was otherwise an abortion of a performance. After Hogan's win last year it's a great advertisement for players missing at least one year before debuting.
With our draft picks in a state of shambles next year award might go anywhere, but with Sam Weideman eligible due to debuting in the last month of the season he'll probably start red hot favourite.
12 - Jayden Hunt, Christian Petracca
10 - Clayton Oliver
0 - Liam Hulett, Max King, Mitch King, Oscar McDonald, Joel Smith, Josh Wagner, Sam Weideman, Mitch White
Honour roll
2005 - No players eligible.
2006 - Matthew Bate
2007 - Michael Newton
2008 - Cale Morton
2009 - Jack Grimes ($4 fav)
2010 - [REVOKED] ($5)
2011 - Jeremy Howe ($30)
2012 - Tom McDonald ($8)
2013 - Jack Viney ($5)
2014 - Jay Kennedy-Harris ($15)
2015 - Jesse Hogan ($4.50)
2016 - Jayden Hunt ($50) and Christian Petracca ($10)
2016 Year in Review - Part two
Round 11 vs Hawthorn - Water, water everywhere so let's all have a drink
Where we gave the three time premiers a reasonable scare for three quarters in the wet before they ran away from us in the last. Featured Bernie Vince being reported by an umpire who just guessed he'd whacked an opponent, leading to some bench-warmer Australian NBA player having a Jon Ralph style sook on Twitter.
Round 12 vs Collingwood - Maximum Force
Where we finally won on Queen's Birthday again for the first time since 2007, with Max Gawn taking advantage of the Pies attempt to neutralise him by playing three ruckmen to be best on ground. For his performance he was handed a trophy which he used to flex like it was a dumbbell.
Round 13 vs Sydney - All at sea
Where we took our hot form from Queen's Birthday and watched it sink deep into the SCG turf on a soaking wet day. We started well and kicked three goals.. for the match. Our score only narrowly missed the lowest total we'd ever registered in an interstate game.
Round 15 vs Adelaide - The malady lingers
Where after a week off to ponder the ratshit performance in the wet we returned to the MCG and played one quarter of blistering football that gave us a chance of victory. Naturally we stuffed it up and were left with no chance by the last quarter.
Round 16 vs Fremantle - Steamy wonder
Where we finally conquerered Darwin again, opening up a match-winning lead against the surprisingly shit Dockers before going into our shell again. At half-time Peter Jackson announced that we'd extended the Northern Territory deal to the distress of everyone but me, because I was too busy watching the sweat pooling on his wonderfully bald head. At the end Max Gawn challenged Jamar/Colbert in Darwin for the greatest post match interview ever when he suggested that he'd prepared for the humidity by leaving the heater on.
Round 17 vs St Kilda - The sadness will last forever
Where we went back to Docklands to play the Saints for the third time in a year and discovered that the favours they'd done us in the pre-season game were all part of an elaborate rope a dope scheme.
Round 18 vs West Coast - How the West was wasted
Where rain helped us to our best performance at Subiaco in years. We registered an almost record number of inside 50s but couldn't convert that into a win due to an utterly dysfunctional forward structure. Everything began to seem hopeless and bleak again.
Round 19 v Gold Coast - Trial by ordeal
Where we engaged in a death struggle to beat the Suns, highlighted by one of their players being pinched for a deliberate out of bounds when he was having a shot. In what felt like a good advertisement for the way our season was going we managed to turn that into a Suns goal. We led with 20 seconds left and Bernie Vince with the ball in hand, he could have kicked literally anywhere else except straight to Tom Lynch. With Demons players rejecting the chance to form a human pyramid on the goal line Lynch fortunately missed and we didn't know it yet but our season remained alive.
Round 20 vs Hawthorn - Brawl State vs Natural High
Where after years of the Hawks treating us like peasants we rose up and made a statement. After a lot of games over the years that have gone from 'alive' to 'over' in the blink of an eye it was refreshing for it to happen to another side for once. The excitement was such that I didn't even realise until the next day that we were now a quite reasonable chance of getting to the last round with our finals chances in our own hands.
Round 21 vs Port Adelaide - Talent plus attitude equals dollars
Where we did a carbon copy of the Fremantle game in nicer conditions, rushing to a winning lead then going silent for a quarter, withstanding a low power comeback before winning comfortably. Featured the magic scenario of famous agitator Tomas Bugg hiding behind an umpire inside 50 then popping out from behind him to take a mark and kick a crucial goal. At the end our players acted like they'd won the flag and did several laps of honour high fiving people. There's no way that could ever come back to haunt them...
Round 22 vs Carlton - Blue Murder
Where we had the world in our hands and completely stuffed it up, like the damaged, abused club we are. All we needed was a win against a side who had lost nine in a row... back to the days of losing after starting overwhelming favourite.
Round 23 vs Geelong - Decade ends, era endures
We might not having won at Kardinia Park even if we'd beaten Carlton, but we might not have lost by 111 points either. Having strips torn off us at that ground was an appropriate way to end a decade which had been 'highlighted' by a grand slam porking at the same place. The #fistedforever era lives on.
2016 Allen Jakovich Medal
Who else to finish the worst 10 years of our lives than the Decade of Disaster's greatest player? In a controversial victory he just edged out Max Gawn's insurgent campaign, but the best and fairest results proved that I wasn't the only one to think that he deserved to be at the top end of the table.
We live in hope of his eventual canonisation, and will be opening a Kickstarter to build the statue in his honour the moment he retires.
Leaderboard
47 - Nathan Jones
46 - Max Gawn
43 - Jack Viney
32 - Jack Watts
22 - Bernie Vince
19 - Neville Jetta, Dom Tyson
14 - Jesse Hogan
12 - Jayden Hunt, Christian Petracca
11 - Tom McDonald
10 - Clayton Oliver
8 - Christian Salem, Billy Stretch
7 - Jayden Hunt
4 - Ben Kennedy, Dean Kent
3 - Sam Frost, Aaron vandenBerg
2 - Angus Brayshaw, Tomas Bugg, Jeff Garlett, James Harmes, Matt Jones, Heritier Lumumba
1 - Cameron Pedersen
Honour Roll
2005 - Travis Johnstone
2006 - Brock McLean
2007 - Nathan Jones
2008 - Cameron Bruce
2009 - Aaron Davey ($8)
2010 - Brad Green ($4)
2011 - Brent Moloney ($9)
2012 - Nathan Jones [2] ($3.50)
2013 - Nathan Jones [3] ($2)
2014 - Nathan Jones [4] ($3.50)
2015 - Jack Viney ($15)
2016 - Nathan Jones [5] ($8)
All time Demonblog award winners
Combined across Jakovich, Seecamp, Hilton, Stynes, Davey and Demonbracket wins
10 - Nathan Jones
5 - James Frawley
3 - Mark Jamar, Tom McDonald, Jack Viney, Jeff White
2 - Cameron Bruce, Aaron Davey, Brad Green, Jack Grimes, Jeremy Howe, Stefan Martin, Jack Watts
1 - Matthew Bate, Nathan Carroll, Lynden Dunn, Ryan Ferguson, Jack Fitzpatrick, Jesse Hogan, Jayden Hunt, Neville Jetta, Travis Johnstone, Jay Kennedy-Harris, Heritier Lumumba, Brock McLean, Brent Moloney, Cale Morton, Michael Newton, Paul Johnson, Christian Petracca, [REVOKED], Jared Rivers, Christian Salem, Colin Sylvia, Paul Wheatley, Matthew Whelan
Well that's it for another year. Dream big, hope for the best, don't stress about playing at Etihad Stadium in Round 1, buy the book and keep looking towards the stars.
We'll be back with a Demonbracket preview in early January before the tournament kicks off in earnest near the end of the month.
