Black Hole Suns

For all the piss taken out of the AFL's scheduling, I wouldn't want to be the person trying to make a 12 round, 18 team competition fair. Still, now that we've walloped the Suns in near record fashion you've got to feel sorry for them having to play last year's 4th, 9th, 3rd and 2nd teams in a row after finishing 17th, while we stormed back from the dead to nearly make finals and only have to play four sides who finished higher all year. It makes it hard to take this any more seriously as a finals trial than our last pulverisation of a team called Something Coast. 

The next five weeks will give a better idea of whether we're legitimate flag contenders, but this was such a ridiculous mismatch that Walt Disney came back from the grave to give it official Mickey Mouse status. I'm happy to keep thumping lowly sides and hoping for the best against the rest, but in a competition where North has won 20-something games in a row, and it took a Black Death injury crisis to briefly bring us back to the field after eight years near the top, the AFL is negligent for allowing such a massive gap between best and worst. After a decade you can't have teams kicking 13 goals to nil, and while every team has a handful of promising prospects it doesn't do the league any favours to have already paper-thin lists filled with players who are just holding a spot for five years until development catches up. 

Can't blame the league for Gold Coast going from finals in 2023 to a percentage of 40.2 in two and a half seasons, but what good does a walkover like this do for anyone? Except if you like watching teams called Melbourne win by shitloads. That I do, but even I felt a little bad by the end of this when the Suns were losing players to injury at a quicker rate than World War II. I thought how I'd struggle to watch every week if we were that uncompetitive, but at the same time was fanging for one more goal when we were within a kick of our record win.

The 2022 (Summer) Fremantle Dockers remain the worst team we've ever played, but at least they kicked multiple goals despite losing three players to COVID (remember that?) an hour before the bounce. They had a trio of first gamers, one who they literally had to ring on the day and say "do you fancy a game?", but while Gold Coast 2025 had to deal with in-game injuries and wind they were still close to bringing the game into disrepute. But if you're going to be involved in a LOTS vs NOT MUCH scoreline, it's better to be on the positive side.

In the interest of competitive balance, it was nice that the opposition got to kick with the famous Casey Fields wind this time. Then Fitzsimon bounced one through an open square about 20 seconds in, achieving what turned out to be Gold Coast's entire four quarter score. Then their ruck fell over at the centre bounce, the ball was immediately inside our 50 again, and the PA system was heard paging a Mr.  Michael Mouse. At that moment I thought we were going to win this by 200, but the Suns survived and went on to their best five minutes of the match. Which is like saying you had a best five minutes of going to the electric chair, but it was something.

Even if the Suns had converted either of their early sitters I like to think we'd have found a way to win comfortably, but they were (in a word surely never used on here before and probably not even properly in this context) profligate with their chances and paid a savage penalty. The first miss was by somebody called Havana Harris, which is appropriately the most Gold Coast name of all time. She was quite good despite teammates capsizing like a stricken oil tanker, and may have added some much needed Grand Theft Auto: Vice City vibes to the event if it wasn't being played at 1pm in Cranbourne.

This was followed by an even better chance, as someone with a much less exciting name absolutely butchered a chance after turning around to find nobody between her and the goal, then slicing it through for a point at near-right angles. Waste not want not etc... because this turned into the first and last 'against the run of play' goal for the day. I'm pleased to announce that it involved crumb, which has been the only missing element in our otherwise shit hot but potentially downhill skiing attack so far this season.

Standing (sort of) in our way were a plethora of former Demons, headlined by the returning Lily Mithen but also featuring 'enthusiast only' ex-players Charlotte Wilson (eight games), Claudia Whitfort (four), and Maddy Brancatisano, who was drafted from the nearest club to Demonblog Towers in 2018, probably said "fuck off" at the idea of regularly driving to Casey for training and got delisted after one season. 

Considering how many of our players have gone to other clubs, not many of the exes have come back to haunt us (in fact, other than Eliza West for Hawthorn last year has it ever happened?) and this was no exception. I felt bad for Whitfort because she missed a shot, then went off hurt almost immediately after so the conditions for the injury might not have existed if the game was restarted after a goal. But that's enough deep philosophy, let's get back to footy cliches - because missed chances came back to haunt the Suns when Wotherspoon's snap gave us a decent buffer while kicking to the alleged non-scoring end.

While the scoreline implies industrial scale of slaughter, the Suns had been ok after those disastrous centre early bounces and were having a few wins at stoppages, it's just that they converted chances like players from the 1860s. Like Mithen sticking a bullet pass straight onto the chest of a leading forward, only for the ball to be comically split in the style of a waiter in a sitcom dropping a tray of drinks.

After the first two disastrous centre bounces, they'd been pretty good around the stoppages and we had to survive another quick forward entry, ultimately ending with Mithen sticking a bullet pass onto a leading forward, who comically spilt it like a waiter in a sitcom dropping a tray of drinks. It left us three goals to nil up at quarter time, and there's never been a smaller margin that I've been 100% convinced of winning from. AFL (M) readers will know that the Chris Sullivan Line has been disbanded due to some late-season unpleasantness at Docklands, but even after keeping the opposition to 0.0 and losing multiple times over the years, the Suns would've needed a surprise outbreak of Montezuma's Revenge in our huddle to get within a kick.

Any concerns about a false flag wind was dismissed when we kicked another three goals to nil in the second quarter. It helped that our representative of the extended Harris family got a free and goal for a suspect push in the back, but even if questionable umpiring got us six points here, it wasn't at fault for the Suns scoring six points in total. The party atmosphere continued when Gall offered the Suns a demonstration on what to do when you've got the ball with nobody between you and the right of screen goal. 

A pummelling was back on the cards, but if the Suns did want to issue a Chris Scott "I hope this doesn't come across as sour grapes but..." style whinge about umpiring I'd have some sympathy after we got away with three blatant holding ball/dropping ball/incorrectly disposing of ball frees in front of their goal, then conceding one at our end. We did the fair and moral thing by missing, but that wasn't much help to opposition that was still 0.4 approaching half time. And they didn't even double that for the rest of the game.

The Suns did have a set shot that looked like going through before the wind killed it dead at the last minute, causing the ball to drop like a bowling ball thrown from a scaffold into the arms of surprise defensive option Tayla Harris. Who knows why she was there, but who else would you rather kicking out of defence into a strong wind (which is probably why she was there now that I think of it), and the thumping clearance led to Bannan running an opponent into the ground in the forward pocket before kicking the sixth. 

By now, I'd have offered to put my head in a guillotine with the blade set to drop if the Suns matched our score, let alone won. To demonstrate how much work there is to be done, our very good friends at LiveLadders were showing that even after playing .5 games more than North, we'd still need to kick another 151 points to overhaul their percentage. I had places to be and no time for delayed viewing, so followed the third quarter via the obscure (and possibly illegal) method of listening to the commentary on my phone while driving. Please note, if you're some sort of Highway Patrol rozzer I couldn't see the screen so technically wasn't using the phone. And if all else fails I'll be launching a Dezi Catman-style 'sovereign citizen' defence.

Last time I did this we made such a hash of the last quarter against Collingwood that I had to pull over and watch the last few minutes in a generic suburban street, this time we got another early goal into the wind, Gold Coast didn't get another goal with the wind, and a bunch of shots were missed. If you have additional insights from this quarter please send to the usual address, but I suspect if we all just get on with our lives and forget it happened society will remain intact.

By the start of the last quarter this may have been the first ever game where more people were watching in the ground than on TV. I was back in position to watch live, and was thinking about how much I'd (relatively) crack the shits if we did a repeat of last week and let the thrashees kick a few token goals. The interview as Mick Stinear came off the ground revealed that he'd mentioned this to the players, which was ordinary news for Gold Coast as they spent the next 25 minutes falling to bits both spiritually and physically.

Not since those Lockett/Dunstall etc... state sides has a team had too many potential goalkickers for the number of goals available in the game, so you never know who's going to cash-in, and who'll go home empty handed. After five in a half last week, it was Zanker's turn to stand back and let the others do the job as she finished with zero of our 93 points. Never mind, there's always Harris for a second, and after three behinds Hore cropped up for two in a minute and the margin was starting to get perverse. 

Then we entered the 'reward for effort' portion of the afternoon where Hanks and McNamara each got one, and on the occasion of Bannan's second our score had gone past the Casey Fields record set all of five weeks against St Kilda, and the margin was beyond the 79-1 dismemberment of West Coast in 2022. If there was any room for traditional Melbourne thinking at this stage it would have been the perfect time for the Suns to get a goal in cheap and nasty fashion via a 50 or a lucky bounce. 

Instead, their already shit day got even worse as two more players went down to injury, and as bad as I felt about them losing players while already vigorously pushing shit uphill, I'd have loved to get the record margin. Alas, Wotherspoon's dual attempts to catch in on party time missed and fell one point short, having to 'settle' for 'just' an 87 point win. Which was nice, but you can guarantee the next time we lose a game I'll be going full Geelong fan, forgetting the years of armchair ride this team has given me as a fan and having a sook. Until then, live the dream of having a percentage just short of 300 after seven games. I'd like to say you'll never see anything like this again, but that woudl require faith in the competition being evened up anytime soon.

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Maeve Chaplin
3 - Eliza McNamara
2 - Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Kate Hore

Apologies to Gillard, Harris, Paxman, Pearce, Rigoni and Wotherspoon

Leaderboard
There are five games left in what it would be sarcastic to call the 'home and away' season, and we'll assume at least one final so technically this is still anyone's award to win outright but Hanks opens a handy lead at the top in the quest for a third title.

25 - Tyla Hanks
20 - Kate Hore
16 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
12 - Tayla Harris
9 - Eliza McNamara
6 - Olivia Purcell, Eden Zanker
5 - Paxy Paxman
3 - Megan Fitzsimon, Shelley Heath
1 - Saraid Taylor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)

Goal of the Week
Plenty of decent contenders, but because I want more crumb it would be rude to go beyond Pisano. Hore from the pocket vs Collingwood retains the lead.

Next Week
It's our first chance to redeem that DEBACLE of a performance against Essendon last year, and thank god sanity has prevailed and it's being played at Princes Park. Why do we have to wait for the men's season to end before playing the game of the round there? And if we take it as Richmond's home ground this season, why is it the only neutral game for the year at the best available stadium? Hopefully it draws more than the 1500-2000 we've been getting to Casey this year and makes clear that playing games at decent locations around the Melbourne CBD is a good idea. Ironically, after endlessly whinging about how they should do this I can't go. It's still a good idea, so get amongst it.

Unlike the previous meeting, our injury list is not 'see attached pages', and Essendon has reverted to mid-table mediocrity but I'm still not counting chickens pre-hatch. We're coming off two all-time classic glorified training runs, and they did kick the first three goals against North Melbourne last week before normal service resumed. I know (famous last words) that it won't be as bad as last time, and would like to win so the legacy of outscoring the opposition 167-29 over the last two weeks isn't tainted by falling over at the first sign of a competent team like the Port game.

Final thoughts
For the good of the competition I'm prepared to compromise. Instead of winning 93-6, next time we'll make things look a bit more respectable and do it 117-30. 

Driving Off Miss Daisy

* Headline presented for novelty purposes only, we encourage Daisy to return to Melbourne as coach eventually.

After publishing last week's post, I felt bad about getting frustrated at the giant gulf between the top and bottom AFLW players. It's true that over-expansion created a ridiculous gap between the league's best and worst players, but after 9.5 years of loyal league patronage it felt like the sporting equivalent of saying you don't like the people marching for [insert your least favourite political cause here], but "they have some good points". Obviously, I'm pro-W, I just think there's about 100 players who'd be better served playing in a second division competition than on national television. Also, fair chance I was just sour after an unexpected loss. 

The moral ledger was corrected this week when I went to some of the most extreme lengths to avoid spoilers in AFLW history. I was always going to be watching on delay due to family commitments, so thought there was no point rushing home and I might as well go full Fat Parent and take the kids for a Maccas on the way home. And of all the things they could be showing on the TV with the sound up, you can guess what was on.

Given that the result was never in doubt, would it have really hurt to know the score at what I think was just before three quarter time? Well, a little bit yes because I'd probably have gone home rubbing my hands together in glee about kicking six goals to nil in the last quarter and winning by a hundred only to see us go into "that'll do" mode and let the Eagles kick several token goals. As I somehow managed to lock eyes on the screen without taking in the score, the poor baffled children were reversed out the door and forced to eat chicken nuggets in the car via the drive-through. Fairly shit parenting, but score blackout integrity is important.

I could've guessed that the score at that point of the game was going to be Melbourne LOTS, West Coast MUCH LESS, because that's happened every time we've ever played them. After a break last season when we probably couldn't take advantage anyway, this was a return to the series of games now stretched over seven seasons where we'd previous won by 59-79 points and restricted them to three goals in twelve quarters. It says something when this became their best ever performance against us after no goals for three quarters, and letting Eden Zanker put frighteners into the estate of Fred Fanning before half time.

Like all the dud sides in the competition, they'll be good eventually and all we'll have is the memory of the walkovers. Fortunately, we've now got four of them to consider. The last quarter wasn't as violent as it might've been, but it would be rude to complain considering the level of domination before that. This is one competition where you can honestly say the Eagles are a better side than ever, and we wish Daisy as well as you can anyone associated with such a born to rule operation, but it was still going to take a major reversal of fortune and/or disaster to beat us.

With the Eagles already up against it, the interests of competitive balance were not served by us kicking with a four goal wind in the first quarter. Obviously, both sides would get their chance to use it etc.. etc.. etc.. but the last thing they needed after playing Darryl Cullinan to Shane Warne in our previous meetings was to be chasing down a big lead. 

For once, the wind was blowing practically straight down one end instead of east, west, north, and south at random times, and the chance of the visitors kicking a competitive score was made more difficult by the return of Australia's all-time #1 most popular Gillard to our backline. So when we kicked three goals in the opening minutes it was thanks heaps to the opposition for travelling across the country and then taking the more arduous journey to Cranbourne, but they were designated as cannon fodder. I can't argue their commitment, and keeping us down to four goals despite the breeze was a reasonable achievement but you could fit Argentina through the gaps they left for the goals to Zanker x2 and Harris, so it didn't bode well for keeping scores respectable.

At least they could look forward to a bit of wind-assisted attack in the second quarter, and though I doubted they had it in them to take full advantage there was a mark at the top of the 50 from the first bounce. That only turned into a point, before they got a reminder how futile their task was when we went down the other end and a Hanks snap that was never going to make the distance bounced over a defender and into Zanker's hands for a third. Then, after a West Coast player randomly kicked backwards from the next bounce Paxy stuffed the ball down Zanker's throat for four, and Daisy was in danger of becoming surely the first coach in history to preside over the loss of their own club record for most goals in a game.

When Zanker's fifth goal went in halfway through the quarter, the record she jointly held with Pearce, Bannan and Hore looked like being demolished by half time. Especially with the use of the wind in the third quarter, and the way she beat multiple defenders to pull down an up the chimney snap by Bannan on the line when they had every chance to punch it through. It's a miracle and/or credit to the fighting spirit of the opposition that she only had one more decent chance for the rest of the game.

Those of you who watched live would have been aware long before me that we'd already done our best work, but unlike last week there was something to be said for having so many talls. They could switch their entire backline onto Zanker and it would just open the door for Bannan, Gall, Harris etc.. to run riot. The record nearly went before the break, but as Zanker's shot fell short, Channel 7's effects mic started picking up random conversations of fans on the boundary line. We must be close to a repeat of that time the live feed of the draft caught a kid saying they'd shit themself. Based on things heard later in the game these voices may have been coming from the West Coast bench, which makes the "oh no" even funnier.

Due to watching on a savage delay, there was no time for the quarter break festivities. These appeared to be a non-stop tribute to Daisy Pearce. Fair enough as far as I'm concerned, the more talk about that Grand Final the better. If you ever needed proof that the AFL don't really care about this competition, it's that they didn't find a way to direct her to a coaching job in Victoria. Whether she can coach or not I have zero idea (and won't base anything on this fiasco), but how do they let the biggest name in the code waste away in the provinces when there's promotional opportunities to be had in the game's heartland. Not to mention the opportunity to retain one of the few people on Channel 7's coverage who don't make you want to put your head in the dishwasher.

The Eagles finally got a spot of luck at the start of the third quarter when a Wotherspoon shot that could easily have bounced through sat up and allowed them to escape. Except that kick didn't go far enough to a defender who refused to believe it hadn't been paid, and was pinged holding the ball. Somehow they got out of all this by only conceding points, but for all their tackling intensity and what I'll patronisingly call 'endeavour' they didn't look likely to reach their one goal a game average. 

This was more of a glorified training drill than a serious trial for playing finals, but it was another four points towards qualifying, which is better than trying to storm back from disaster last year. West Coast managed to hold us out for the first few minutes, at the expense of never looking like kicking a goal of their own. Our non-stop attack finally turned into Harris booting the shit out of a snap and the margin went beyond 50. I'm surprised Lower Plenty McDonalds still had it on at this point and hadn't switched to ads for Fillet O'Fish. 

On a day where our best players had the opportunity to fill their boots, it was pleasing that for once Hore and Hanks were just guests at the party rather than the driving forces. Still, Hore nicked out the back for a second goal, and when Pisano got one too we were half a chance of a record score. Sadly (for us), the wrong half. 

There was still a wind to kick into in the last quarter, but as it didn't make much of a difference the first time you could see it getting ugly. Especially when into-the-breeze specialist Zanker marked directly in front, but despite huge post-mark celebrations by Bannan (showing full team spirit considering her part of the record was potentially about to disappear), but she pushed it wide and never went close again. From here it was - against the odds - all West Coast. They finally got a goal, and just to prove that we can be charitable even while winning in a canter, it went to somebody who had previously kicked one in 30-something games.

This kicked off a bit of junktime, which led to West Coast's second goal via a free kick that would never be paid if the result was doubt. The season is a marathon (well, a lengthy fun run) not a sprint etc... so I won't hold it against them for not going full pelt to the final siren. Other than seeing if Zanker could kick six, I was most interested in the people chatting on the boundary line, including the guy angrily telling somebody (or perhaps a dog) to "get off" something. That's all the publicity the league needs in Grand Final week, footage of a canine vigorously humping someone's leg on the boundary line. 

Sadly there was to be no record-breaking goal, but we did our bit for the credibility of the competition by letting the Eagles kick as many goals for the quarter as their previous 15 against us. Bit of a flat finish, but it's a fifth win out of six in a 12 game season, and I'm not suggesting we're going to win anything this year but the opposition ahead for the rest of the season is flat enough that I'm sure we're going to get a shot in finals, hopefully relatively injury free, and here's hoping to catch the otherwise unassailable North on a bad day. 

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Eden Zanker
4 - Eliza McNamara
3 - Maeve Chaplin
2 - Tayla Harris
1 - Tyla Hanks

Apologies to Fitzsimon, Hore, Gillard and Taylor

Leaderboard
A week after declaring the rest of the list NO CHANCE of catching the leaders, Chaplin and Harris chip slightly into the gap and keep it interesting. Hanks narrowly pinches the lead, and in this shortened season of 12 games + surely to god at least one final, we're not far away from shutting the gate on anyone who hasn't scored yet. No change in the minor awards, but we're not far away from Chaplin being declared provisional DOTY winner. 

20 - Tyla Hanks
19 - Kate Hore
12 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Tayla Harris
6 - Eliza McNamara, Olivia Purcell
5 - Paxy Paxman, Eden Zanker
3 - Shelley Heath
1 - Megan Fitzsimon, Saraid Taylor (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Eden Zanker

Goal of the Week
No offence to any of the Zanker Five, but I love when somebody kicks a snap like it owes them money so this week's winner is T. Harris. Hore from the pocket vs Collingwood still leads.,

Next Week
We complete the Coast to Coast at Casey double with a visit from the Gold variety. As much as I usually despise any type of double header, explain how it makes any sense to be playing a public fixture on Mt. Variable Weather when Princes Park isn't being used until 5pm? Sorry to the people who live locally, but you can either have 2000 of the same people who go every week, or at least the same number of fans from around the city at a ground not generally subject to gale force winds.   

On paper, Gold is even worse than West, but I'm taking nothing for granted. To be fair, they did nearly beat Adelaide this week before dead-set evapourating in the final quarter. We should win, and hopefully after Daisy's unhappy return, it's Lily Mithen's turn to get flashbacks to past thumping wins at Casey.  

Final thoughts
Don't know if this did anything for the league's credibility, but it was more fun than losing.

Gravity catches up

It took five weeks of the season, but we've finally got some sort of answer to "what happens against decent sides?" If our inaugural game against Port is anything to go by, we'll have a fair crack and look good for parts of the game, but find out that you can't play [unfurl long list of shite teams] every week. I doubt Port will go anywhere near the flag (and aren't we all just playing to be in the right place at the right time if North stack it) but they had us covered here more comfortably than the margin would suggest.

I've got some sympathy with Port as a club due to the Choke Yourself With A Tie incident in 2004, but can't take the nuffies who express themselves via middle finger and community singing. It helps that I've still never met a genuine Port Adelaide fan since 1996. It made sense to do the scarves aloft power balladry for a game at their spiritual home, but it did come off a bit sad compared to a (relatively) full stadium doing it. 

Their cheersquad also had a self-promoting banner that included adjectives about what they offer to the supporting experience, which is the supporter version of having to explain a joke. Who am I to try and analyse what's going on in that part of the world. All I know is that they went home on the winning side, and I don't know whether it's full "back to the drawing board" stuff with us considering how limited the range of options are, but it's confirmation as far as I'm concerned that we could make finals, but are STUFF ALL chance of a flag unless North go into recess mid-season.

The camera angle at the centre bounce was another South Australian innovation, with the diagonal angle their most novel contribution to footy since calculating percentage in an offbeat way. The non-traditional viewing continued once play started. All non-centre camera shots came from the usual side-on viewpoint, but we were being put under an uncharacteristic level of pressure. I don't think we've struggled to move the ball like this since last year's Windy Hill Massacre. Port put the brakes on our ball movement, causing mass panic to break out.

We survived two early behinds before concededing after what looked suspiciously like one of those throws where the other hand is held close enough to the ball that the umpire fools themselves into believing it was real. Non-stop whinging about umpires having to make interpretations is what's going to land us with this nonsense last touch rule in the men's competition, and the way holding/dropping/disposing of the ball is umpired in AFLW they may as well cut out the middle person and introduce the old VFA throw pass.

I may be against the last touch rule (partially because of the stupid pantomime motion the boundary umpires have to do), but it did set up our first chance. In a sign of things to come, Zanker missed what I would deem - as an unfit, middle-aged man with knees you'd shoot a racehorse for - an easy shot. You already got the idea that this wasn't going to be a classic by the time we'd struggled to match their two behinds.

Other than the Zanker miss we hadn't looked remotely dangerous going forward, and I thought there was going to be dual umpiring chaos when the Port forward turned/ducked into a ripper of a tackle from Heath, but sanity prevailed and it was called holding the ball. Bannan nearly nicked one during some sustained pressure at the end but missed her snap from the square.

They got the only goal of the quarter, while we'd kicked the least scary 0.4 of all time. The ludicrous idea of "if they'd kicked 4.0 instead they'd be miles in front" has been discussed before, and you never know what one goal will lead to, but we just looked inept forward. Strangely, Gall nearly got her career high disposals in the first quarter while playing into a reasonable wind, before proceeding to go without a touch once we were kicking with the breeze.

This was all ok if we took advantage of the wind. Which we didn't, and the second quarter was more missed shots until it got to the same 0.6 I was ruthlessly extracting the piss out of Richmond for last week. We did get a goal, but the best bit was Harris taking personal offence to a smothered kick and BURYING her opponent after they picked up the ball. That was about it for highlights, and by the time Port got their third goal we were on the verge of folding before half time for the first time since the original Great Injury Crisis last year. 

We stayed alive from the next bounce when Harris landed a lovely kick on Wotherspoon, who handballed to a passing Hore for the much-needed goal - and as it turns out our only one for the half. Sure we nearly came back to win this, but it was still as convincing as a get well card from the Tobin Brothers. The margin got to 17 points in the third quarter before, having failed to create goals via all the usual methods, we had to wait for Hore to get clubbed in the head by a tackle for a second goal. 

Under normal circumstances you'd say at least we were coming home with the wind, but it didn't do us much bloody good the first time. I may have been more confident if we'd got one goal closer by three quarter time then hope the opposition died in the arse due to furious pressure, but we blew multiple chances with forward entries that failed to recognise that the best thing about our attack is their marking. Individually, I think all our forwards are great, but there's no doubt the forward line is too tall - especially when they have to send Pearce and/or Campbell down there as well. Not a lot we can do about this now, but for god's sake please scour the lands for a crumber in the off-season.

Any hope of The Great Escape in the last quarter started with shoelace headband enthusiast Wotherspoon, then seemingly ended when we conceded about a minute later. But all was not lost, Harris kicked a ripper of a set shot from distance to make it 10 points with nine minutes left. This was hardly insurmountable, but required two goals without answer after making the previous four look more complicated than the space program.

By now Port were holding on, lucky to be playing against a forward line converting chances at sarcastic 'much vaunted' levels. Our last hope was a free to Hore on an obscure angle, and she kicked a ripper to bring the margin under a goal with 90 seconds. After assuming we'd lose for about 2.5 quarters, it was carn the reverse mozz as we threatened a daylight robbery style pinch. And cripes, it almost happened, as we went forward again but Fitzsimon's poked kick at an open goal missed. If Port had any hospitality they'd have stuffed the kick-in straight down the throat of one of our players 20 metres out directly in front, but disappointingly they prioritised winning and survived until the final siren. 

Is this the first time we've lost our inaugural game against a side since kicking ourselves to death againt St Kilda in their first year? On to the next one I suppose, where hopefully both Melbourne AFLW and I find more inspiration.

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Kate Hore
--- The distance you'd get by lining up every human to have lived since the dawn of time ---
4 - Tayla Harris
3 - Tyla Hanks
2 - Maeve Chaplin
1 - Eden Zanker

Apologies to Gall, Heath, Paxman, Taylor and Zanker

Leaderboard
There's as much chance of somebody outside the top two winning this as there is of world peace breaking out by lunchtime Thursday, so strap yourself in for an epic Clash of the Titans from here. 

19 - Tyla Hanks, Kate Hore
10 - Tayla Harris
9 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
6 - Olivia Purcell
5 - Paxy Paxman
3 - Shelley Heath
2 - Eliza McNamara
1 - Megan Fitzsimon, Saraid Taylor (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Eden Zanker

Goal of the Week
It's obviously the Hore set shot, why wouldn't it be? Does not topple her own clubhouse leader from the Collingwood game.

Next Week
It's the day you've been waiting for, Daisy Pearce Medal Contenders vs Daisy Pearce Coached Team. We've treated the Eagles like roadkill, never losing by less than 59 points and holding them to three goals total across three games, but while they're clearly improving we should still start red hot favourites. There's even good news on the injury front, with Gillard and Goldrick both a chance to return. Cancel your Rent-A-Player annual subscription. He says before 14 players get hurt in the first quarter.

Final thoughts
In the spirit of openness and honesty for the three people who read this far, I'm getting a bit frustrated watching this league due to the enormous gap between best and worst players. Obviously it's on the way to being more balanced thanks to increased pathways etc... etc... but 10 seasons in teams are fielding players who may have looked perfectly reasonable in the early days, but now look like they won a competition to be out there. I swear this has nothing to do with us losing for the first time all year.

Off off off Broadway hit

It's been another week of seismic shocks and surprises in the football world, but none bigger than the Melbourne W injury list shrinking. Surely this unprecedented turn of events involved a few near misses and burst organ scares at training, because this season playing for us has had a lower survival rate than the Eastern Front in World War II. The sick list still says [attach additional pages], but we were down to one Rent-A-Player on the bench and even had the luxury of omitting somebody.

Our slightly less cobbled together than usual lineup took care of Richmond, but while I'm usually fanatical about scheduling the AFLW season after the men's competition is over, it's probably a good thing that this game was overshadowed by finals. Pick your own combination of our diminished lineup, enthusastic but ultimately crap opposition, and/or the usual spectacle destroying Casey wind, but the life choices of any neutrals who watched from start to finish are in question. Late in the third quarter, even a tragic consumer of MFC-related games like me thought it might be better off if the captains just shook hands and agreed on a margin.

I choose to take the safe option and lay most of the blame on the venue. Lucky nobody is reading this, because I wouldn't want the club to be connected to my hatred of Casey Fields but the only good thing about this windswept, turd of a place is our winning record. One day the galaxy of stars will be gone, we'll be the ones with 0.5 at three quarter time, and everyone will be able to admit how crap the place is. But not this week, as we still had enough quality to kick eight goals via brute force forward entries, and opposition that incinerated chances at the temperature of an industrial smelter.

God only knows how many were watching, but for Melbourne fans it was a case of 'we happy few' as the usual legends ran riot. The first bounce went through the hands of Hanks and Hore, and that's pretty much all you need in a game like this. North Melbourne, Hawthorn (?), Adelaide (??) Brisbane (???) etc... will ruthlessly exploit us for reliance on stars, and Collingwood nearly got away with it last week, but you could tell pretty quickly where this game was going.

Getting the ball forward inside 50 is a piece of piss, but conversion could become a problem against non-flotsam/jetsam opposition. This one nearly landed with Zanker, which was the story of the day for most of our forward entries. The diagonal wind didn't help, and yes all outdoor grounds are subject to variable conditions etc... etc... but some of them are more affected than others, and when you're already dealing with thin playing depth stretched across 18 teams, this is just mocking the players and counterproductive to the image of the competition. Even the banner went to bits, and as only 150 more people turned up last time when there were helicopter hijinks, I'm sad that we're probably only playing there because it's cheaper than renting Princes Park.

We had what advantage there was from the wind, but it took a couple of half-chances, and just as many blatant holding/dropping the ball decisions in our favour, to finally remind Richmond that they were engaged in a futile task. Enter Bannan, to casually rip a snap around the corner for the opening goal. All the talls would subsequently get involved, and they'll get the job done against lesser teams most of the time but the lack of crumb will come back haunt us eventually. 

Shame you can't do mid-season trades, because we've got so many KPF options that one could turn into multiple players to fix potential problems around the ground. As the game went on I felt a little guilty at having all these forward riches that we couldn't fully take advantage of, while the opposition attack was  so comically bad. If you believe Nathan Burke, the AFL blocked trades that didn't benefit expansion clubs, but were obviously having a sickie when we got Harris, Purcell etc... for relatively bugger all. I know GWS aren't allowed to be controversial because they're a protectorate of the league, but I'd like their thoughts on this as a foundation club that celebrated the expansion years by losing a game 97-1.

Don't feel too bad for Richmond though, they played finals last year so technically we were the plucky underdog in this contest. Not that you'd have known watching their struggle to get anything happening here. Other than one burst down the other end, where they likely would've marked in range if the wind didn't drag the ball away from a free player, they barely went across halfway. On some days we'd have blasted through five goals before quarter time, but the door was left open for Richmond if they could get it together. Which they couldn't, but you'd have thought the same last week before Collingwood dug in and had a crack.

They did have one late chance, but it only fed us for a lightning counter-attack which should've ended in a Gall Goal after she stepped around a befuddled opponent, then missed an open goal. They held out for the rest of the quarter, and despite scoring NIL could claim to have done well kicking into the wind. Not like we haven't lost a game before after holding a side scoreless in the opening term. All's well that ended well, but it was a colossal waste of dominance. 

Which continued from 0.01 in the second quarter, when we exited the middle at top speed again but it came to nothing. We looked so much better in the middle that this is a game you could imagine us turning one goal into another via centre bounce dominance. Finally, after missing the allegedly 'easy' one at the other end Gall made amends by mastering the conditions with a set shot that hooked violently on the wind. It was a great finish, but showed how difficult it was going to be to convert in the conditions, and suggested we weren't going to win by an enormous margin unless most of the goals were walked in from the square.

Now that the game was obviously slipping away from them, Richmond came up with a new centre bounce strategy and just waited (to put it generously) for Hore to get the ball, then pounced on her. Via various detours, this led to a shot on goal. It missed, but it removed the prospect of them finishing on 0.0.

I think Fitzsimon is our most underrated player, after some obscure off-the-ball free kick her choice of a set shot into the wind seemed optimistic. However, after grabbing a couple of extra metres by playing on, she got her kick high enough to beat everyone and go through. Except apparently she didn't, because once the players were back in the middle we were reminded that there's some sort of Skynet technology in the ball to determine if it was touched or not. 

It was obvious what the result of the review was when the umpire took a call from the reviewer (who must have the easiest job in Australia, considering how few times this gimmick has been activated) and gestured for players to return left of screen for a kick-in, but to add to the confusion the first replay showed this:

... when the replay didn't matter because everyone already knew what was happening because the ball chip had already made the decision. Just as the Richmond player was just break protocol by kicking in after this alleged goal, they found the right button and this came up.

I assume the chip prompts somebody to manually review the footage, but if it works properly the 'goal' graphic shouldn't be needed, so we may have witnessed something that will never be seen again. We'll take their word for it that the ball was touched, but the super technological innovation couldn't definitively say by which player and where.

Ironically, I'm writing this bit while the first goal in the Adelaide/Brisbane game went through, and they had an overhead view telling us how much 'target width' there was on a set shot, so maybe this is the next big thing for footy viewing. I dare them to rush introduce this technology for the last three weeks of the men's finals, in the hope that it will decide a game after the siren and cause a riot that leads to the season being cancelled and no premiership award.

This stroke of luck nearly turned into a Richmond goal, as they went down the other end and got a free 30 metres out. With the use of the wind, this was a viable distance for a set shot. Except we'll never know, because another player got a rush of blood, snatched the ball off the ground, and tried to thrash it through off a step. Not the best decision they'll ever make, especially after it led to us going the other way for Hore to kick our third. I'll never trust an M lead again, but for an AFLW game this was as close as I'd ever get to betting a kidney that we'd win when just 23 points up. 

Or 29, when one of their rare promising attacks fell to bits, and a botched handball sent us the other way where Pearce was just hanging out in the square on her own. They had another shot at the end but missed the lot, and that was it for the half as the umpire wasn't stupid enough to fall for the player going to ground in a theatrical Cam Rayner style under light contact.

The only non-participant fans watching would be lovers of the game, and I'm sure they were hoping Richmond was going to find inspiration during the break and come out firing. Kate Hore said "lol, no" and kicked a goal in the first minute. It didn't have the power and fury of North beating Freo by a hundred, but was still threatening to get perverse. Richmond wasn't that bad, and we weren't that good, but they were so poor in attack that even I was starting to get frustrated. Finally, they landed a mark on a player right in front of goal. It missed, but they got a free in the pocket to make up for it. And that missed too for god's sake.

The backline was a little big more traditional this week with Colvin back, but for all of Richmond's botched attempts at goal they were still under regular pressure and held up well. Fitzsimon may be our official most underrated player, this was Saraid Taylor's best game by a mile, unlocking the coveted 'stitch up the club that sacked you' achievement. And it goes without saying that Chaplin was ace as always.

After all their struggles to introduce ball and middle posts, there was further insult to injury for the Tigers when Campbell went forward, took a mark, and kicked straight. We already had the tallest forward line in history, now the rucks had two bonus goals. There was a chance for old mate G. Train and her zany, hunched over run-in, but that went the same way as all their other shots. Not that we were piling on misery at the other end, but they were 0.5 at three quarter time and should file an official complaint to the league if any more "how grouse is the high scoring?" propaganda pieces come out of head office this week.

By now I was happy just to avoid injuries, which wasn't helped by footage of heart rate fiasco survivor Heath hobbling around with a sore ankle. Turned out to be nothing and she was back for the start of the last quarter, but I'll be expecting to find out there's been a midweek amputation. Considering our record with these things, it'll turn out that all the damage was done by coming back onto the ground in a dead rubber.

Richmond finally brought up six points, but unfortunately for them that was entirely made up of behinds. They were well beyond the solitary, sad point of the 2022 Eagles, and their next miss moved them the long way into equal second with the 1.1s previously kicked by West Coast (them again), and GWS. The good news is that point led to a goal, albeit to Zanker, who became the latest player to waltz into an open goal. 

Meanwhile, they had a chance to kick one entirely by fluke but as it bounced towards goal the ball took a big comedy leg break. They did get a real one not long after, which was probably good for football but disappointing for fans of novelty statistics. Fitzsimon got her stolen goal back, but sadly our percentage dipped below 300 when they got a second one later in the game. No need to show off, the job had been done long before then.

This was quite good considering the shouse conditions, but it's hard to judge how good we are while playing against the equivalent of cardboards cutouts. One day we'll be on the other side of the ledger, and I'll be sure to show humility then. Or blame outside forces and conspiracies.

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Kate Hore
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Maeve Chaplin
2 - Eliza McNamara
1 - Saraid Taylor

Apologies to Ebert, Fitzsimon, Gall, Harris, O'Hehir, Paxman, Pearce, and Rigoni.

Leaderboard
It's already a two-person race at the top, and Chaplin is building a handy lead in the defender award, so all the action this week is in the Rising Star. Taylor qualifies under the four games or less at the start of the year rule, and while I think she'll probably be overrun by O'Hehir at some stage it must be a real highlight of the career CV to have temporarily led one of these awards.

16 - Tyla Hanks
14 - Kate Hore
7 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
6 - Tayla Harris, Olivia Purcell
5 - Paxy Paxman
3 - Shelley Heath
2 - Eliza McNamara
1 - Megan Fitzsimon, Saraid Taylor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)

Goal of the Week
The Bannan opener, even if her goals are always boosted by the elite celebrating advantage. Hore from the pocket against Collingwood retains the overall lead.

Next Week
It's Port Adelaide for the first time in a league game. So far, they've lost to the very good North by 70 and beaten the very bad Gold Coast by 70 so it would be an understatement to say anything could happen. If Heath's ankle is fine and nobody is hit by flying debris during a Casey hurricane, we'll be able to field pretty much the same team, which is a luxury considering the extensive collection of players you won't be seeing for several weeks/at all. I like to think we'll win, but am also concerned we're vulnerable to playing an absolute stinker at some point.

Final thoughts
I got nothing. Up the 'mons.

Yeah Nah < Yeah Narrm

Remember when I implied that injuries were the only thing that could stop us this year? Forget our first two games being against glorified byes, it was premiership glory if everyone remained healthy right? Well, we nearly had to activate Rent-A-Player in Round 3, and only survived a scare against the reigning wooden spooner because they missed two set shots in the last minute. This could go anywhere.

According to this, Collingwood have provided the 'blueprint' on how to beat us. Not to downplay their performance, but I reckon losing five premiership players from the warmup of one game to quarter time of the next had a bit to do with it. For now, we only had to name the fill-in players as emergencies, but their time is coming. I'm not saying the club is ready to field randoms, but one of the ringers already has an official profile picture.

First, Lampard went before the bounce last week. Usually when somebody's hurt in the warmup they're removed as a precaution, miss a week then come back. In this case, she's out for a week x7, so that's a bit shit. Then Purcell's knee exploded, and we'll be lucky to see her again by Round 1 next year, which is even shitter. We knew about those injuries, but were obviously distracted clapping like seals at St Kilda being demolished to notice Mackin B following the lead of Mackin A and suffering a knee injury which will effectively end her season. Then, to prove that Lady Luck is a filthy anti-Irish racist, sometime between our already massive injury list being posted and selection, Goldrick did a shoulder.

Other than Purcell and Gillard, the rest of the A+ inner circle has survived until now, but soon there'll be six of then turning up to training and meeting the rest of the list for the first time. That's if the fill-ins don't stop answering our calls because they don't want to play in such a dangerous environment. People will be more interested in being recruited bythe Russian Army than us if this goes much further.

So, with all that going on and a few players who would have to admit they're only in the side because everyone else is hurt, I had no expectation of another rampant victory. I'm sure the opposition also had a few novelty players in their side, and one player who ended up with zero disposals, but considering who was missing and that we were fielding the tallest forward line in history when it had been pissing down raining all morning, I had some concerns. Gambling on AFLW is morally one step above shoving $50 notes into a poker machine but when I saw we were $1.05 favourites, I did wonder what sort of point start you could get on the Pies.

My spidey senses about an upset went into overdrive when rain started banging down again at the first bounce. It didn't stop us getting the ball inside 50, but while you could understand two dropped marks in the conditions, we had bugger all going on at ground level to compensate. On our third attempt, Bannan held one and converted from almost the same spot I did in a half-arse game on the same ground 15 years ago. This one went through the traditional way, unlike when I got ludicrously close to the mark, booted it practically straight up in the air, and relied on wind/divine intervention to carry it through. Also, Bannan is getting paid to be a professional athlete while I was a fat bloke already past his limited best even then.

We seemed the better team, but the lower the scores on a wet ground, the more chance of the opposition pulling something out of their collective arse. Just because the first two opponents of the year had been run into the ground until they lost the will to live, it didn't mean the same thing was going to happen now. It still appeared to be heading in the right direction when Zanker gently shifted her opponent out of the way like a cardboard cutout to kick the second. Alas, the two goal advantage didn't last long. From the bounce, Collingwood went inside 50 where Campbell spilt a mark at full extension and the ball fell straight into the path of a forward to be wobbled through. 

It was a good reminder not to let them get too many long kicks into attack, especially with the most homebrand backline we've ever fielded. It was Chaplin, and teammates with about 12 games combined experience. Adjusted for the opposition having nearly zero firepower in attack, they did very well. The obvious emotional highlight was the father/daughter debut of Jemma Rigoni, but after a season of Langdon and Culley wearing beach-towel sized headbands I was right into Wotherspoon reemerging as a defender with a shoelace tied around her head. She looks mean, and in an unrestricted, WWE-style atmosphere you could imagine her slipping it off and strangling an opponent behind the umpire's back.

The fun thing about father/etc... selections is thatit means heaps to the father, his teammates, and the fans, but generally stuff all to the new player's teammates. Hardly any of our side were aged in double figures when Guy played his last game, much less in his earlier peak. They're hardly likely to get misty eyed about the romanticism of it all, and are more likely to care that Rigoni held her own in a drastically understrength backline.

I know the broadcasters are a bit half-arsed in their commitment to AFLW but you can never fault the enthusiasm of the commentators, so I felt bad for them when they kept referencing 'pressure' figures that were never shown on the screen. In isolation the pressure gauge is worth as much as hitouts or inside 50s, but they did well not to crack the shits at being hung out to look like they were just inventing these already basically made up numbers.

With a final scare at Collingwood's end in the dying seconds, we got to quarter time more than a goal ahead. On recent results you'd think this was just the warm-up for pissbolting away with the game later, but given our rapidly diminishing lineup I was lightly bricking it. Just when you thought we'd had enough injury drama, it was red-alert at Rent A Player HQ when Heath departed with what later was revealed as an elevated heart rate. That's a new one. The only fit player left on the list without a game is called Dethridge, and she's going to get a game due to a Black De(a)th style injury crisis.

You'd think we'd be able to win just by brute force getting of the ball inside 50, but this didn't take into account shitloads of dropped marks (understandable in the conditions) and the ball exiting at full pelt when we didn't kick goals (understandable given the lack of small forwards). A surprise, short-lived burst of sunshine came at the start of the quarter but the ground and ball were still wet, and the forwards struggle to hold the ball. 

We almost got lucky when Zanker dropped another mark, but it spilt into the path of Harris storming the goalsquare. Who am I to tell her what to do, but a kick off the ground may have done more than trying to pick up and being tackled. Otherwise, Harris didn't kick goals but did some great work further up the ground and earned the rare distinction of 2/3rds of the week's Mark of the Year nominations. More importantly, she even looked like being injured but will presumably trip over the couch and do an everything mid-week.

Hore finally held a mark but missed her shot, and the door remained wide open. It was left swinging off its hinges when Collingwood kicked a goal from a difficult angle to cut the gap to a point. Forget the point start, now it looked like anyone who backed the Pies at the full $10.50 would get a run for their money. The Chaplin + randos backline had to hold out under pressure for several minutes, before we nearly pulled off a counter-attacking coup in the last minute. It died when Gall's choice of kick while too far out to score was a 10 metres pass to Pisano, but that helped run the clock down to half time. We were a point up, but goalless for the term and in a fair old spot of shit if it started raining again.

It didn't, but we still were, and Collingwood could not be run off. All of a sudden we looked absolutely no chance of kicking a goal from open play, and it took a miracle snap by Hore to get us on the board again. This was much to the delight of a guy in the crowd, whose joy was strangely heard again both times the replay was shown. We nearly got another from the next bounce, but Gall became the latest member of the dropped mark club. Then she benefited from somebody else doing it, as Hore spilt one then set Gall up in the square.

This was all very good, except for conceding one from a scramble not long after. After spilling a couple of regulation marks, Zanker obviously preferred the higher degree of difficulty because she pulled down a contested grab over two players instead. Alas that one, and another shortly after, both missed. We got to the last break four points ahead, but were lucky not to concede a 50 metre penalty right at the end when Pisano blatantly charged off the mark well before the umpire called play on.

Everything got a bit silly for me at this point (even more than writing this post on a keyboard where the spacebar only works about 6/10 times), as I had to drive somewhere but wouldn't have time to do the traditional media blackout/watch the rest on replay. Instead, I listened while driving in the hope that we'd kick a couple of early goals and run out easy winners. 

So for the next 15 minutes all I could hear was Collingwood missing chances, until the point where I had to pull over and watch the rest in a generic suburban street. This was good timing, because not long after the ball was finally landed with Hore to goal from close range and give us a six point lead with practically no time remaining. With a six point lead you'd think we could do no worse than a draw, but I've thought that before in 2025 and been disappointed. 

The crowd was going as boonta as you can with 2500 people present, and say what you like about Collingwood fans, but I've never seen an anti-social behaviour hotline advertised at a suburban ground before. They nearly pulled off a miracle, first missing a set shot for a BULLSHIT free kick well within range, leaving us just having to get the ball as far away from goal in the final seconds as possible. Which we did, but that wasn't nearly far enough and it came straight back in for another free, and a kick after the siren.

Ludicrously, this was the fourth time we'd faced this situation since 2021. It was a much more difficult shot than the previous one, but their version of a G. Campbell gave it a decent ride before it jointly fell short and hit the post. And thank god for that. Now, let's wrap this up before I drop punt this bloody keyboard over my fence.

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Kate Hore
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Maeve Chaplin
2 - Paxy Paxman
1 - Tayla Harris

Apologies to McNamara, O'Hehir, Taylor and Zanker

Leaderboard
Arise the biggest of big hitters, and best of luck to anyone thinking of challenging.

12 - Tyla Hanks
9 - Kate Hore
6 - Tayla Harris, Olivia Purcell
5 - Paxy Paxman
4 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
3 - Shelley Heath
1 - Megan Fitzsimon

Goal of the Week
Hore from the pocket was at least 50% more arse than class, but it looked good so ironically in the game where we stopped kicking goals it takes the clubhouse lead in this competition.

Next Week
It's Richmond, who are not very good but perfectly capable of matching us if we don't convert chances and/or lean heavily on the surviving stars. I think we'll win, but while gambling is evil etc... definitely have a responsible bit on Richmond at the line if it's anything under 40 points. At which point I'll hope you lose the lot and we win by 76.

Final thoughts
Enjoy it while you can I reckon.

Love is a playing field

The longer this league goes, the closer we get to our Original Club Advantage™ running out and sending us tumbling into the dreg end of the competition, so cherish the experience of being significantly better than half the competition while it lasts. Injuries temporarily took us out in 2024, and our last finals campaign proves that tormenting lowly sides doesn't necessarily translate to the important end of the season. But for now, please enjoy games like this where our best players treat opponents like the US Navy taking on Fairstar The Fun Ship.

We'd need worse luck than the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team to lose all our stars (remember: I don't believe in curses so it's not my fault if this happens), but it won't take much to bring us back towards the average team. For example, before we get into the joy of racking up our biggest ever score at Casey Fields, let's discuss the tragedy of Olivia Purcell doing her knee. 

Here's a player who missed 3/4 of last year with a literally broken face, then came back in top form despite wearing a plastic mask, and had played nearly six flawless quarters this season before one wrong turn in a tackle and boom there goes her knee, season, and a minimum of 12 months out of the game. How do you replace her? Yes, we've got Hanks running riot and the luxury of being able to throw Hore into the middle, but even if you're a Moneyball wanker good luck finding even 50% of what Purcell brings from players not already playing on the weekend. We're lucky to have so many stars, but the other end of the list is so suspect that a few injuries at either end of the severity scale could make all the difference at the end of the year.

But that's a question for the future. The start of the year has been - as they say in the classics - grouse. If you don't believe me, or are reading this in the future after a surprise 2-10 season, our percentage after two games is 520.7%. Just the casual five and a bit more times score than our opponents. It's like a rerun of 2023, when the freewheeling early season massacres of underwhelmed opponents briefly had the women ahead of the men for average points per game. The winning could last, the several hundred percentage points won't but it's laying a good platform for the rest of the season.

Last week I said we've had more trouble than necessary with the Saints, but in reality this was just long-term trauma from when we kicked ourselves to death in the inaugural meeting. Since then, the closest they've got was 14 points last year when we were only just coming back from premature death. Like last week, there was a brief time during the first quarter when it looked like we might be held to some degree, but in the end everything you needed to know was explained in the opening seconds when we were operating in acres of space, then booted to to Harris at the top of the square. Obviously she wasn't seeing eight goalposts because through it went for a first goal since Round 10, 2023.

After missing a year, it would've been cruel if she'd missed time via the novelty self-inflicted eye injury but you could tell they weren't playing for her for the sake of it when Gall got re-galled to the side after injury, giving us what was surely the tallest forward line in AFLW history. You wouldn't want to try this in the rain, but on lovely sunny afternoon the Saints had NFI how to stop them. They're lucky Purcell didn't make the second half or the weight of ball going inside 50 might have ended with multiple St. Kilda defenders curling up in a ball and crying.  

It was a bit premature to say the midfield was dominating 30 seconds in, but between them Hanks, Purcell, and Paxman already looked like having a hundred possessions combined. Paxy has turned the clock back in the last two weeks, a good reminder of a tremendous career that looked to be sliding away over the last couple of years but has roared back to life in the first fortnight of 2025. What luxury when you've got so many midfielders that you afford to park a legend like Kate Hore forward.

The Saints had barely had the ball halfway once when they got into the wide world of self-harm, giving away a 50 just as Harris was lining up to kick it to the top of the square. Instead wahtever technical infraction was committed, she ended up standing in said square and booting a second. If you thought we were on the way to winning by shitloads you were right, but there a minor deviation for them to kick a goal. Don't you hate when that happens? In this case it involved a run-down tackle on Goldrick, who hadn't played any sort of competitive game since last season so you'll forgive her for being rusty. 

This set up our old friend the player named after a sewing machine, and after all that dominance it was only two goals to one. Their rebirth didn't last long, but even I felt bad for the opposition when Zanker dropped the ball cold in a tackle, and conceded it so completely that she was starting to walk backwards with hands in air to stand the mark before realising it had somehow been called play on. They pinched her for a less obvious one shortly after to make up for it.

We were dominating possession, but for no the Saints were still putting up a decent resistance. Harris missed a chance for a third but was creating havoc in the air, and after my 2022-2023 attempts to set up Hollywood endings for the men's team failed, I'd like to transfer that feeling to Tayla winning a flag immediately after we tried and failed to trade her to Hawthorn. You could see the logic in that after Gall's obvious development last year, especially when Harris only kicked three goals in all of 2023 but if she's only around for one more year I'm into it ending in a surprise double premiership.

When she got a third goal shortly after the first change, Harris had as many goals in a quarter and a bit as in total since the start of 2023. On landing she looked to have injured herself again but it was a false alarm. By the end of the day she was level with her total back to the Grand Final. For now she was playing a lone hand while the rest of the forwards looked like they'd just met each other, including Zanker and Gall spoiling each other at one stage. By the end of the day they had four goals between them and all was right with the world.

Notwithstanding the Saints nearly getting one back from a mark that was clearly dropped on the way down, we were absolutely rolling now. Paxman set up Zanker with a delightful kick, Gall got to stand 30 metres out on her own, and thanks to developmental umpiring that allowed a St Kilda forward to get belted in the head without reward we took off the other way for Harris' fourth. At this stage she looked every chance of not only beating the five in a game record of Bannan and Daisy Pearce, but shattering it. Didn't kick another, but didn't need to as everyone else got on the scoresheet after half time instead.

Sadly, just when everything was going so well and the half-time helicopter was heard overhead, down went Purcell with her knee injury. This was the only downer for the day, and even though she walked off that's happened enough times now that nobody thinks it's a positive sign. It wasn't, and we wish her all the best in recovery.

In a way it's lucky that was the biggest injury of the day, because when I heard that they'd be flying a helicopter over the world's windiest ground and doing what I thought was some kind of ball-drop that the fans had to gather it felt like there was going to be a serious injury involving chopper, spectactor, or combination of the two. Turns out I misread the premise and you didn't have to wait for the ping pong balls to hit the ground then beat the piss out of your fellow fan to have the best chance of winning. It was effectively just an aerial raffle where you had a number and if yours was closest to the pin you won $10k.

I've long suspected Maeve Chaplin is one of the most entertaining people in any AFL competition, and the genuine level of excitement while seeing this process unfold is further proof. Meanwhile poor old Jake Lever probably was getting into the spirit of things but gets shown in a brief cutaway looking as if he'd disgusted by the idea.

IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. 🤯#DemonSpirit pic.twitter.com/9rKTAZpYdw

— Melbourne AFLW (@MelbourneAFLW) August 24, 2025

I'm happy for the fan who basically won an AFLW season one annual salary, but thought the process would include more of a visual spectacle in the tradition of Apocalypse Now. Also, I've got not idea where Karingal Hub is, but they'd be flat about Russell Robertson hanging shit on their status amongst shopping centres. Given that only 2100 people turned up, I don't think this gimmick had the desired effect (and Karingal Hub will probably point out they've got that many people in the food court at any given time), but still good to do something different.  

The pace of tonkage slowed down in the third quarter when we only kicked two goals to one but this was - for the first time in a while - a lead against a St Kilda side you were right to trust. Though to be fair I was on guard for disappointment a little bit when they kicked the first, then had it on the goal line almost immediately after. It's not like we needed a steadier, but Paxman put the best kick imaginable to Zanker's advantage and procession mode was back on.

There was another trademark Harris Injury Near Miss via smacking her head on the ground in a marking contest, but that was about the only bad news between this point and Purcell's scan results arriving. In a confirmed case of 'when you're hot, you're hot' Hore got a goal purely because a bad bounce confused her opponent into a high tackle, and everything was very much going our way.   

The defence didn't have much to do, but I'm impressed that Saraid Taylor had nine disposals for zero meters gained. I've seen people go into the negative before, but is the most anyone's ever had to land on exactly 0? Otherwise the backline was largely unchallenged but should probably stay limber and alert for when the good sides turn up. They weren't anywhere in the vicinty of Casey Fields on Saturday but are out there somewhere and will be more motivated to correct us the more the hype there is about piledriving the less fortunate.

We piled on another four goals in the last quarter just for fun, including late inclusion Johnson bobbing up for a goal with her second kick of the day. Bannan joined the party and did her traditional arm aloft celebration, and you could see genuine joy from her teammates when Harris marked for a chance at five. She missed, ending with 4.4. It's only the second time we've had a player end on four behinds, but unlike Paxman in 2019 she got goals as well.

As long as you're into MFC thrashings and not the league's competitive balance this was great fun, and while I'm all for it the AFL are kidding themselves if they think this is good for the game. Or, alternatively, they'll use their website to tell you how well everything is going because scoring is up. Sure, there's a 42% gap between the teams in ninth and 10th, and the bottom two are scoring less than a third than their opponents, but as long as we're on the positive side of the massacre equation then I'll get into the 'best AFLW season ever' hype. The moment we lose it will need to be totally restructured.

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tayla Harris
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Paxy Paxman
2 - Kate Hore
1 - Megan Fitzsimon

Apologies to Chaplin, McNamara, Pearce, Purcell and Zanker

Leaderboard
8 - Tyla Hanks
5 - Tayla Harris, Olivia Purcell
4 - Kate Hore
3 - Shelley Heath, Paxy Paxman
1 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Megan Fitzsimon

Goal of the Week
The Bannan one, just for the elite celebrations.

Next Week
You're never far away from a game against Collingwood, and here we go again. In this timeline we're the shit hot side that wins the occasional premiership and they're the mid-table strugglers who only occasionally look like contenders. On paper we should win this easily, but after dual walkovers I'm wary of a side getting a start on us and creating doubt. Probably won't happen, but don't bet your house on us at a -60 line just yet.

Final thoughts
It's unrealistic to say more of the same please, but even if our percentage crashes into let's say the 300s I don't think there'll be any cause for complaint. Don't crank it too high though, they'll start trying to farm off our players to the dud clubs again.

Still M.F.C

We finished 14th, Troy Chaplin never won a game as coach, and the chance to do something hilarious in the last round went begging, but it's not all bad news. Oslo just called and we've been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize after uniting Carlton and Collingwood fans through the joy of beating us in thrillers. 

Midway through the year, I said we were such an average side that it would be appropriate to finish 11-1-11 with a percentage of 100. In real life we missed this by miles, but it was proven morally correct by a ladder where the results of all games decided by six points or less were reversed and we finished 12-11. So as far as I'm concerned the theory was right, I was just dudded by the execution. We played six games decided by single figure margins and lost the lot, so this is not a team you'd want defusing a bomb in its final seconds.

It's good that we got that close to finals contenders like GWS, Footscray, and Collingwood x2 (not so much Carlton, and especially not St Kilda), but law of averages suggests a team would take its chances at least once. There was a bit of variety in how we did it, starting the season by conceding in the last 30 seconds, and ending it by frantically failing to score in the last 30 seconds. Sunrise - sunset. It's been shizen, but considering where things looked like going after the early season poundings, there's something to be said for never being thrashed again. Forget the heavy reliance on players who won't be there in a few years, or that we were often so boring the highlights could be liquified and used to euthanise animals, it was a bad season but could've been a lot worse.

God knows why they made us play Collingwood in the last round again after the 2024 edition brought the game into disrepute. On all measurements other than finishing with a higher score, the rematch was more successful. I'd say it's a bit sad that the most excitement most people got from this game was the chance to leave the Pies with a slightly worse finals seeding, but that would be hypocritical after four months of plotting how to wreck the value of a pre-traded draft pick. 

I started the night invested only in Operation Avoid Thrashings, but got sucked in when the live ladder caught fire and it briefly looked as if we might end the season on a high. In the end, the result was an appropriate end to the season - we had a massive crack, weren't disgraced, turned on our otherwise dumpster fire forward connection (that one's for you Goody xoxo) for a few glorious minutes, but didn't have four quarters in us against a good team, or the poise to put a game away.

For the second year in a row, Collingwood's percentage concerns didn't come into it. Last time they needed to beat us by about 130 points, and the game became useless once it was clear that wouldn't happen. This time, their top four prospects would be helped by battering us (not realising that Gold Coast would do something stupid like lose to Port Adelaide), so they had a motivation to pile it on. Turns out they weren't up to it, but could still end up with the flag so I'm not setting up an avalanche of receipts by writing them off now.

We didn't have much to play for except pride and whatever level of stuffing up Collingwood the players were up for. I'm suspicious of how much they'd care, half of them probably used to go for the Pies before being drafted. If that didn't float their boat there was always the prospect of finishing one spot higher than last year despite winning four fewer games. This year they didn't have a monkey-off-the-back "yeah, that'll do us" win the previous week, and surely had some motivation to help Troy Chaplin get a win before his term expired. He did not, becoming only the third person to finish his senior coaching career with a 0-3 record but deserves credit for finishing with an aggregate margin about 140 points lower than I'd expected.

Given that the opposition didn't half to win to make finals, I couldn't get excited about moderately sticking it to an enemy that hasn't felt threatened by us on-field for nearly 10 years. I just wanted to get to the final siren with heads held high, and without losing any players to next season ending injuries or suspensions for violence and/or doing any sort of 'ism/'phobia. Low standards mission accomplished. It would've been fun to annoy the cast of Monty Python-looking characters sitting around the boundary line (people who booed May more vigorously for disrespecting a premiership they'd already won than Pickett for walloping their captain in the head), but history says people who made the brave decision to follow the biggest club in the game will always come out ahead in the end.

Ignoring the end result, this gives us something slightly positive to take into the off-season. Try not to think about how much rests on Gawn's shoulders, or how we still largely move the ball like the criminally insane and maybe there's something in the future. But first, the usual off-season shenanigans. Which players will make a break for freedom? Who'll be rumoured to spend their break doing cracktivities? And for the first time since 2011, what's going to happen with a competitive race to become our next coach? Hope they've added a few safeguards to the process since last time.

We do have a permanent CEO now, almost the entire season since he was appointed, and the winner of the Gary Fogel lookalike contest said they'll be interviewing 6-8 candidates and aim to appoint before the Grand Final. They might have a bulging shortlist, but I wonder how many potential nominees will believe the pro-Buckley media hype, think it's a sham process and decline to participate. I don't believe Buckley is a foregone conclusion, and I'm not going for anyone in particular. Just roll in somebody who is realistic and won't go to pieces if it doesn't start well, then roll on whatever degree of rebuild from 1% to 100% is deemed necessary.

Back to the usual Melbourne-focused programming soon, but in my last men's competition post of the season let's use important real-life issues to mock an AFL administration which makes Fawlty Towers look like the Grand Hyatt. The entertainment on Grand Final Day will be as relevant to me this year as an election in Botswana, but when Snoop Dogg was named as this year's star international guest who didn't think "this could go wrong"? I thought the problem would be his famous love of non-ASADA compliant smokeables, and how far they'd have to park his dressing away from players so they don't have to self-report passive inhalation. Nobody seemed that concerned about massive drug intake, and he didn't even have to claim that all this time he's been singing about Sam Weideman.

Turns out some of his lyrics are a bit spicy. Really, you don't say. Not the guy with hot hits like Bitch Please, I Wanna Fuck You, and various ones about shooting. I know he'll be doing the Olympic Closing Ceremony package, not songs with titles boring white people should avoid like the plague but nothing screams boring and white like AFL HQ, so despite these potential pitfalls they screamed "We'll have that" and slapped down seven figures to book him. And maybe we'd have got the duet on David King's hit single Who Are They? (What's Their DNA?) if Izak Rankine hadn't ignited nuclear level "yeah, but what about..." arguments by unloading one of the words you used to be able to but now can't say on television.

History suggested this left him staring down the barrel of a five week ban and as much chance of impacting the finals as Melbourne. Now people started acting surprised that the famous rap fellow had dropped a few homophobic slurs over the years. You don't say. But the good news is that according to the 'permanently looking on edge as if he's up to something shifty' Andrew Dillon, the AFL "cannot vouch for every lyric in every song ever written or performed by any artist who has or will appear on our stage". Which is true in some ways, but it's not like they booked Dire Straits and discovered the relevant term in one song, in this case there may have been a few red flags. It's up to you whether it should DQ him or not, but they made a rod for their own back by booking him in the first place.

Most people accept that players adhering to standards of human decency isn't part of a commo plot that will end in your kids forcibly having their gender changed, so if you had all this going on and needed to decide on a punishment for Rankine, would you:

a) rely on precedents, give him five games, tell the Crows that if they didn't like it there's a lovely local league to play in, and try to sweep the matter under the rug ASAP, or;
b) engage in the most stage-managed outcome since The Tankquiry, and cut a week off the penalty based on 'medical evidence' that conveniently gives him a chance of playing the Grand Final if Adelaide take the long way to get there, stinks of rort and keeps the story in the news longer than necessary. 

You'll never guess what happened, and while nobody's been happy with how the VFL/AFL is run since about 1906, the whole thing was deer-in-the-headlights shambolic. Everyone hated Ross Oakley, but he had more dignity while frantically trying to kill clubs off than the people in charge now do explaining tribunal decisions. This set the penalty at just 25% higher than running into somebody because you didn't make a decision about where the ball was going in the 0.25 seconds available. But it is infinitely more than the nil weeks for threatening opponents on social media.  

Speaking of offensive behaviour in a public place, back to season 2025 for the last time. In some ways it's been interesting, but few relating to what happened on field. There were a few last cheap thrills here, but I'm sure the same thing was possible with a few small tweaks to the side. After Casey narrowly avoided the VFL's Wildcard Wankfest and got a week off, I thought we might finish some long-term storylines by giving Laurie another quarter, or completing Tom Campbell's Mr. Powerhouse sweep of playing for the four smallest Victorian clubs. Instead we declined Mr. Dogg's kind offer to Drop It Like It's Hot and surely became the first team ever to start the final round this low on the ladder and pick an unchanged side coming off a loss. After the help we've given them, Casey better win the VFL flag, then stage a hostile takeover of the SANFL, WAFL, and Bundesliga.

It was another game where anyone fanging for a reason to believe in the future could say we were a functioning forward line away from winning. Possibly true in this case, but not sure if that will get us through a full season unless the midfield and defence regain some of their 2021-2023 power. We've known there's a deficiency in our tall forwards ranks for three years but it hasn't stopped us booting the ball down there as if the greatest attacking players of a generation will be on the other end of it. For instance, thumping our first attack of the game to a three-on-one contest, where it was not surprisingly intercepted. Remember doing the exact same thing against Collingwood last time? And every other opponent in recent history, as we set out to do a community service and prove that inside 50s are a shithouse stat that don't mean a thing without context.

Meanwhile, when they got a chance the other lot patiently waited for an opportunity to open up, then landed the ball on a player standing without an opponent in the same timezone. He flubbed it by trying to hand off to one of the Genetic Jackpot Brothers, but the ease of entry suggested we were going to be sliced and diced up the wazoo all night. Didn't happen, but the early returns were enough to make those of us with a nervous disposition worry about a grand slam porking.

By the time we were two goals down I was convinced this would end tragically. For the benefit of people still going on about you-know-what, the second came from Corey Maynard's brother, and all signs pointed to an easy win for the Pies. You couldn't argue against the plan to try and move the ball more quickly by hand, but I'm surprised that in a big fat dead rubber we tried the Langdon vs Daicos tag again. This time it lacked surprise value, and I don't think Ed was as committed to playing the villain across four quarters of desperate scrag. The locals still got upset about it, but I don't think there's anything these grim humans wouldn't boo. It makes me want to hire Buckley just to see if they can be persuaded to turn on him for daring to work elsewhere.

For the second week in a row, there was plenty for the ingrates who have turned on Steven May as if he dried his nuts with the 1941 premiership flag. For those of us who remain hopelessly devoted to him, it was a bit tragic seeing him struggle again. Still have NFI what benefits they were hoping for by rushing him back in the side post-suspension. Everyone knows the ban was garbage, but sending him on an early pre-season would've given us the chance to look at options for the future, and (as it turns out) saved him from two weeks of colour-lowering sadness. He looked to have no confidence, and at the speed we were letting the ball get down there, had no chance of help from his fellow defenders.

Just as I was thinking they should save him from torment and do something last round fun by playing him forward in a swap with Petty, up popped Harrison for our first goal. Which was nice, and there were a couple of times in the first quarter when I was almost ready to accept him starting 2026 as a forward. Then he practically didn't a kick for the last three quarters and I was back to thinking he'd be better served as a defender. I'll go to my grave saying they botched it not seriously trying McSizzle down there midway through last year, and in what may have been (but I hope isn't) his 249th and last game for us we might have chucked him down there on a farewell tour this time. 

But somehow a team that has relied on two defenders to prop up its forward line over the last two seasons couldn't make way for a third when it was obvious we weren't going to give up our near sexual fetish for kicking to the top of the square no matter what, while Tom was left to keep seeing how far he could push the boundaries of dissent before the umpire paid 50 against him. It never happened, but he still looked wound-up like a two dollar watch in the post-match video, sitting next to Gawn looking ready to throttle somebody. I'm biased, but if he's not the sort of person we want at the club next year then who is?

Our ball movement wasn't quite at 'death or glory' levels, but there was still more emphasis on moving it quickly than you're likely to see in Round 1 next year. Nice of them to try something different but still not much use if it ends in the ball being kicked into the Death Valley of forward lines. But it worked nicely when Langford scooped up a wayward kick in the middle which ended up with Melksham and Pickett co-walking into an open goal. It was about the easiest one we've kicked all year so I'm surprised they didn't collide in shock.

I'm all for statistical anomalies and wacky milestones, but there's a ridiculous level of importance being put on Pickett becoming the first player to average 20 disposals and two goals per game since Steve Johnson in 2011. Lovely numbers for sure, but Johnson doubled his fun by also playing in a premiership team, not finishing 14th, so there's still some gap between them.

That was good, but once we were the ones benefiting from opposition inaccuracy. They were getting it down there enough that you (well me anyway) felt like the breakthrough was coming at any moment. Instead, after holding on for dear life while they blew multiple chances, there was a classic Reverse DemonTime moment where van Rooyen dropped a mark, but regathered and kicked a lovely snap to level scores. Because you can't relax for a second when we're involved, a centre bounce with 12 seconds left in the quarter turned into them having a shot after the siren. 

It missed so no harm done this time, but Mr. X has to do something about centre clearances next year while Gawn is still around. There was finally something for fans of trying somebody else in the middle, as Rivers was at most of the bounces and did well enough that you might ask where this was weeks ago. Alas after ending last year with 58% and 60% centre bounce attendance, McVee was given 0% and 0% this time which is a wasted opportunity. Unless he's leaving, in which case why play him at all?

My confirmation bias machine exploded when they kicked the first goal of the second quarter, but to our credit we wouldn't go away. Sure, the next goal came from Fritsch getting away with the biggest push in the back you'll ever see but it's not like we haven't been jibbed by umpires enough times this year that it should balance out eventually. Somewhere I'm sure one of their fans was bleating about an anti-Collingwood conspiracy, as if the AFL wouldn't chop off a finger to get them a couple of MCG finals in front of 95,000 people. 

Then, the people who turned up thinking they were going to have an evening of light entertainment at our expense started clenching up a bit when Melksham chipped one through, before they took advantage of the latest episode of May's tragic end to the season when he got caught in the middle of two players and didn't have the slightest impact on either. I choose to remember the good times.

For last round games between these teams where the favourites do something stupid, this was hardly us going five goals down at quarter time in 2017 without laying a tackle, and torching our chance at playing finals for the first time in a decade. It still came as a shock, and I was starting to come around to the challenge of making life hard for them. Not even because it was Collingwood, just as proof of life on the way out of the season. But normal service seemed to resume in the last few minutes as they spent the whole time attacking and we were back to looking simultaneously all at sea/dying to get the season over with and hit the piss.

The good news for nervous nellies like me was that it was increasingly unlikely that they'd pile on 15 unanswered goals and win in violent fashion. That was still my top thought during half time, having no faith in another (probably) futile third quarter burst against them. But burst we did, and it was very enjoyable. Not until after we'd blown two early chances, then nearly given one up at the other end. Midway through the quarter it was still going well, but not that well before five minutes of glory delivered three goals and the lead. 

When Fritsch got another to take it beyond six points it was all but a cover version of King's Birthday, except we didn't wait until the last quarter before taking (and I was still expecting to throw away) a handy lead. Just as it looked like we might survive until three quarter time without conceding for the quarter, Bowey was run down trying to escape defence and they finally kicked straight. But there was more late drama via Melksham, who kicked normally from only slightly further out than where he'd tried an optimistic (e.g. crap) around the corner shot earlier.

And for the second time we responded to a much-appreciated late goal by desperately trying to hand it back. This time the clock got down to four seconds before they marked inside 50. Talk about McDonald mastering the art of dissent, I've never seen a player argue so expressively with the umpire about his line for a kick after the siren. Imagine the scenes if the umpire cracked the shits and took the ball off him for excess sooking, they'd have been coming over the fence. 

The good news was that he hit the post, leaving us 10 points up at the last change. Sorry to everyone who believes in good vibes and positive thoughts, but I still didn't think we were going to win. Not because of what happened against St. Kilda, but as they had everything to play for, have won a shitload of thrillers in recent years, and were facing opposition with demonstrated zero killer instinct.

Regardless of what happened, this shit on last year's final round from a massive height. Additional bonus - no lightning delays to extend our miserable season by another half an hour. When that happened I declined the offer to hang around and went to bed, but this was worth propping my aged carcass up for. Especially when Petracca picked a ripper of a time to kick a set shot, making the margin nearly three goals. 

Imagine going on with it in a big game. I couldn't, even after 80s teen movie villain lookalike Schultz missed a shot. Eventually they got going through a wacky bounce from a random player, and before long we were behind again. There was finally a bit of story progression when the King's Birthday May Spray came back to haunt him after we conceded a goal from his rubbish panic kick from the last line of defence. I don't know where Gawn was when this happened, but I assume even if he was standing one metre away he'd have restrained himself from a full-throated outburst about the blunder. Then we were done in by a novelty bounce, conceded again, and were more than one kick behind. Live thoughts - we might run that down, probably won't. 

And the rest of the game can be summarised in the same way as all our forward play 2023-2025. We spent a few minutes madly trying to force a goal with bulk entries but never got one. Langdon had a chance to play the unfamiliar villain card one last time, but his snap missed everything, leaving us still a kick behind and a chance at worst of nicking a draw. When Sharp came on he broke the record for most starts as a sub, but I'm not sure they were actually going to use him until an attempted Culley mark ended with him landing on his face at an unusual angle. Top content if he'd come out of nowhere to kick a decisive goal but didn't go closer than taking a ball in mid-air and getting tackled straight away. 

By the end we were down to Turner nearly pulling down a cameo mark (where was McDonald you bastards?), but couldn't score again before time ran out. They won and are off to the finals, we didn't and are off to the players running out/coach running in the door races. It's all been said at some stage of the 22.9 posts from this home and away season, so that'll do me until next year. To quote something you may hear at half time of the Grand Final, hope you ready for the next episode. (Smoke Weid everyday).

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Harvey Langford
2 - Trent Rivers
1 - Christian Salem

Apologies to Fritsch and Turner

Final results
No change to the podium, with Gawn extending the margin to record levels. His total is the highest ever in a non-finals season, and the +33 margin is the widest in Jakovich history. I have similar views about him to Bill Lawry on Merv Hughes in The 12th Man, and hope he's got a few more years left of us running him into the ground. Elsewhere, it's congratulations to Jake Bowey who holds on for the first non-key defender win in the Seecamp since 2019, and to Harvey Langford who had the Rising Star locked up the moment Lindsay was confirmed out, but still slapped an exclamation mark on it with a great performance to end the year. 

In the all-time standings, Gawn went past Oliver for top spot this year, and there have now been 143 players to score votes since Round 1, 2005. Come back next year and find out if I finally decided to give the Rising Star a sensible or gimmick name. 

67 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year and Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
34 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Jake Melksham
22 - Christian Petracca
21 - Clayton Oliver
20 - Jake Bowey (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
18 - Daniel Turner
17 - Jack Viney
16 - Tom McDonald
14 - Harvey Langford (WINNER: Rising Star Award)
13 - Steven May, Christian Salem
11 - Kade Chandler, Bayley Fritsch
9 - Ed Langdon, Trent Rivers
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Harrison Petty
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Judd McVee
2 - Jake Lever
1 - Jai Culley, Harry Sharp, Jacob van Rooyen

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Pickett vs Port Adelaide wins overall for dash, finish, and just for being a tiny bit of enjoyment in an otherwise beige season. For that reason, I'm going past his goal in the third quarter here and giving it to van Rooyen for the snap at the end of the first quarter because dropping the mark first made it more fun.

Next Week
Casey try to pay off our late season focus on them winning a flag vs senior development. And I'll be chuffed if they do. Otherwise I'll be watching the W, and all other forms of Australian Rules Football can do one.

Revenge of the Spitebury Plan

Unless Essendon's handful of battered survivors beat Gold Coast in the traditional Round 24B game, we'll finish in exactly the same spot as last year. That's not a good thing, except where you've pre-traded a draft pick that will now be cashed in for allegedly lesser players, in a pool compromised up the wazoo by father/son and academy picks.

It won't be known for years whether Lindsay or Mr. X is the better player, but it's a better result than early in the season when it looked like we could be forking over pick one. Whoever Essendon gets I hope he retires to join an apocalyptic cult two weeks after the draft.

Final thoughts
It's been a weird year, but I've had worse. At the end of our 21st (!!!!!) season of men's coverage, I'd like to offer the traditional thanks to everyone who regularly goes through this nonsense. Here's to next year being interesting for non-cataclysmic reasons. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other. Cheerio and Go Dees.