Character Assasination

The die was well and truly cast for Melbourne vs Port Adelaide on Thursday night at the selection table.

Dear Clint Bizzell, congratulations on reinvigorating your career over the last few weeks and being one our best defenders – your reward is to be dropped and play against Bendigo in the VFL.

Dear Nathan Carroll, we know your glory era lasted for 10 rounds last season and that you’ve done precisely fuck all this season but we’re also aware that we’ve really got nobody else to play fullback. So we’ll play without one. Off you go.

Dear Paul Johnson, two ruckmen in a team are a luxury these days. We know you’re trying to prove yourself as a second ruckman. So prove it at Sandringham.

Dear Ben Holland, there’s no chance in hell you’ll be on our list next year if we’re anywhere near serious about bouncing back. So please be at the airport at 3.30pm because you’re playing.

What a fucking shambles. It would break my heart in two to think that we’re deliberately throwing it away deliberately, and we did bring back Bruce and Bell, but how else can you explain all of this? Are they trying to get Holland a run in the SANFL next year? One more run in front of his hometown crowd before he’s cast on to the football scrapheap?

And if the result wasn’t abundantly clear then it became obvious that we were sunk before the first bounce when the usual suspects (Godfrey, Miller etc..) tried the always ineffective tactic of roughing their opponents up. The sad thing was you could see that their hearts weren’t really in it – Matthew Bate was bumping off guys without even looking in their eyes. Nobody is scared of us – we’re shit.

Then the game itself started and after a minute we were two goals down, and by the time Port added a third we had a grand total of 1 kick and 1 hitout. An absolute embarrassment was on the cards. And an absolute embarrassment it was. God knows how many goals Juice Newton needs to kick to actually start on the ground. He finally got on and, like the rest of our squad, had no idea. Six goals down at quarter time and you'd almost walk out if you've paid to see it. Don't feel too bad, the players pretty much walked out and they're being paid to be there.

To be entirely honest Holland wasn't awful in the first quarter, but what's wrong with using the players who are going to form a key part of the squad next year? I'm not saying pick a bunch of 13-year-olds and get smashed by 200 but the likes of Johnson and even god forbid Jamar will be on our list next year - surely Holland will not. One thing I will say for him is that at least he gives an honest showing, which is more than you can say for some.

The second quarter was a slight improvement, and by half time we'd actually had more inside 50's than Port. The only difference was that they went inside and kicked goals, and we screwed it up. Port must have taken that stat as a slap in the face as they came out in the third quarter and wrecked us - 8 goals to none in a vicious porking. Good luck getting a decent coach if we keep playing like this for the next week - even Connolly won't want to waste his time in charge of this slop. If you've coached Southern League Division 3 reserves you might just be willing to take a chance with us next year, but if you think somebody like a Michael Voss is going to turn their back on Dick Pratt and his millions of dollars to try and turn our disgraceful list around with a membership that will probably just top 23. Even Glen Jakovich announced that he'd rather coach Carlton than us - why Glen? Bring your brother back for a dreamteam coaching panel.

Much of the justification by people who didn't show up last week was "I don't like watching us get thrashed". Stupidest line of logic ever, and the reason a club like Fitzroy went down the tubes, but I can almost see a point in it. Sadly for me as we have previously discussed it is in my blood like drugs and I simply must sit there and watch no matter what - must seek out dodgy internet cafes halfway across the world just to listen to us concede 40 points to none in the first quarter against Brisbane. I just have to do it.

If the pain of the scoreboard wasn't enough we were treated to some tart screeching over the PA at the start of the last quarter. You've taken our dignity you bint, don't take our hearing.

An interesting moment in the last when Bell decked some crunt with a shepherd and convicted felon Dean Brogan fronted up to him. Instead of pushing back, belting him or showing some sort of balls Bell stood there and 'argued' with Brogan about he hadn't done anything. It was like watching somebody who has stepped on the foot of a bikie in a bar and is frantically apologising to avoid getting murdered. The difference is that in the real world you might end up in a shallow grave in the Otways, but on an AFL field the worst you can get is a bit of a slap around the head. So SHOW SOME FUCKING BALLS.

Interesting allegations from the commentary team as well that our main contact with Michael Voss so far has been a text message. Surely that was Clinton Grybas injecting some color into the call to stop us all from changing channels to the Simpsons rather than legitimate fact. If it's true then sack the board and the football department as well. In fact just shut the whole fucking club down, I've had enough.

There's some upside I suppose. Don't know where it is but it's there somewhere. As much as I can see that his defensive work is emerging please don't let James Frawley ever kick under pressure. I haven't seen a style like that since James Manson - he takes an extra half a second than everyone else to get the ball on the boot.

The first reaction is to lose the plot and demand everybody be sacked. So that's what I'm going to do. Fuck them all off pretty much to a man - of the people who played tonight I'd suggest that if new coach Mr. X is serious we are unlikely to see half of them next year. You have to wonder just how much Neitz has left in the tank - the last few weeks have seen him looking like a shell of his former self. I honestly doubt he'll even make it to the end of next year the way it's going.

Miller must go. I can't stress this enough. He bounces from one end of the field to the other on a weekly basis and isn't good enough to play either - we've got to send him to another club for the good of both parties.

Votes

These are very forced. I don't think anybody deserves one, but lets just hand some out anyway.

5 - Green
4 - Jones
3 - White
2 - Bate
1 - Frawley

Apologies to Holland (at least he had a crack), Wheatley, small children who may have been traumatised for life, and anyone who wasted their money going to Adelaide to watch this.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

27 - McDonald
23 - Green
19 - Bruce
19 - Jones
17 - Bate
16 - White
12 - Wheatley (Shock Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Johnstone
10 - Rivers
10 - Davey
9 - McLean
8 - Miller
8 - Godfrey
7 - Sylvia
6 - Neitz
6 - Robertson
6 - Bizzell
6 - Moloney
5 - Yze
5 - Bell
5 - Petterd (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
5 - Brown
3 - Holland
3 - Newton
2 - Dunn
2 - Carroll
1 - Frawley
1 - Pickett

Loungeroom Watch
I didn't break anything. What's the point?

Fashion Watch
Why the fuck were we wearing the "away" shirt? Since when has red and blue clashed with teal and black? Who makes these decisions anyway? Crackheads.

Next Week
Sydney at Manuka. I'm going. Why? Fucked if I know. Depending on the result I might come back via the Belangalo State Forest and stay there. Barry Hall vs Ryan Ferguson? Oh fuck me surely you're kidding - I guess they may as well drag Miller out for the one job he can actually do without making a dick of himself.

Notes From A Scandal

Well what else is there to say? The season not only goes from bad to worse on-field, but it's threatening to fall apart something shocking off field as well. Crowd watch? What fucking crowd? Melbourne fans have officially proven themselves to be as weak as piss. Who would have ever thought that we'd have been outdrawn by North in a Melbourne game. The twilight football shite didn't help, but fucking hell there must have been 5000 of our people there at the absolute maximum. If we had a run like Carlton have had for the last five years we'd either be playing on the Gold Coast or in the tip a'la Fitzroy.

The game itself? Well you all know what happened by now. We did nothing after the 20 minute mark of the first quarter, Juice Newton took mark of the year and we mounted the pissiest comeback of all time at the end of the third quarter. Positively thrilling stuff - I don't know why I showed up, but I did because this club runs in my veins like drugs.

There really is nothing else to say. Our season has hit a depressing low and the suggestion that somehow we're going to end up with Chris Connolly as the coach makes it that much worse. Who in their right mind is going to employ him as our coach? What has he ever done at Fremantle? If you can't coach a team with Pavlich up front how are you going to get anywhere with Brad Miller? Fuck that for a joke - I've said it before and I'll say it again I want THE JUNKYARD DOG. When was the last time we had a coach who reminded you of a serial killer? All this softly softly stuff has gotten us nowhere, we need a psycho. Vote 1 JYD.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

So? Catch up votes for what I've missed? Why not. For the Carlton and Brisbane games I'll use the top 5 in the BigFooty forum voting. So if you've got any problems with it blame yourself and your peers not me. How the hell was I supposed to know what was actually going on from a dodgy internet cafe half the world away?

vs. Carlton

5 - Wheatley
4 - Bate
3 - McDonald
2 - White
1 - Bizzell

And congratulations to Mark Riley for winning his first game. Odds on he'll do a Greg Hutchison and not win again until Round 22. And then end up at Richmond or something, the poor bastard.

vs. Brisbane/Fitzroy Bears/Lions (delete as applicable)

5 - McLean
4 - McDonald
3 - Brown
2 - Wheatley
1 - Jones

No apologies to Davey who needs a swift kick in the arse for getting himself suspended. If we were legitimate about player discipline he'd come back via the 2nd's - and as an additional bonus all you swine who want us to tank it would be getting something as well.

vs. North Melbourne
5 - Jones
4 - Moloney
3 - Newton
2 - McDonald
1 - Bizzell

Apologies and no apologies simultaneously to Sylvia who went missing in the second quarter after being prominent first up.

Leaderboard

And on the back of three straight scores in Cam Bruce's absence the Junior Burger storms to the top of the pops at a million miles an hour. Wheatley also storms out of midfield and into the upper echelon on the back of two top weeks in a row, and takes what might be an unbeatable shock lead in the Seecamp Medal count for defender of the year. Juice Newton scores his first points of the year and with Petterd out for the season the big man is every possible chance of adding the prestigious Jeff Hilton Medal to his Mark Of the Year award.

27 - McDonald
19 - Bruce
18 - Green
15 - Bate
15 - Jones
13 - White
12 - Wheatley (Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Johnstone
10 - Rivers
10 - Davey
9 - McLean
8 - Miller
8 - Godfrey
7 - Sylvia
6 - Neitz
6 - Robertson
6 - Bizzell
6 - Moloney
5 - Yze
5 - Bell
5 - Petterd (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
5 - Brown
3 - Holland
3 - Newton
2 - Dunn
2 - Carroll
1 - Pickett

Next Week
Port Adelaide at Football Park on Sunday. They will beat us like w stole something. Be afraid, be very afraid. To be honest I doubt we'll win another game before Round 22, which will make the game against Carlton VERY interesting. I'd like to think that neither team would chuck the game - in fact I almost know it - but if I have to sit next to some spastic who is cheering against their own side for four quarters I might be moved to glass somebody.

Next Season
Unless we can line up some decent replacements Ward, Wheatley, Godfrey and Bizzell have earned themselves another season in my book. As always though I know fuck all so your opinion and that of the footballing world may differ.

Holland - will go.

Jamar - isn't up to it. Has been passed by Johnson and is looking increasingly like he'll never step up to the plate.

Brown - I appreciate his hard work but he's past it, and has the misfortune of being in a dime-a-dozen position.

Miller - We need to trade Miller him for anything we can get as he will never, EVER be a key player for us.

Yze - Needs to be quietly informed that his time has passed and that he'd be better off pulling the pin.

Carroll - If we could find a better full-back he'd be relegated back to playing Ben Holland as the 2nd string key defender.

Warnock - Only survives because of our criminally shit backline depth.

Johnson - Will get another chance but next year needs to be a breakout year or he'll be lining up in the Diamond Valley league.

Neitz - Will play next year but the poor bastard is rapidly falling apart. How much of the season will he actually manage?

Robertson - See above. Has a bit more in the tank than Neitz but is still likely to completely fall apart at any minute. Get the bulk sticky-tape order ready, it's going to be an interesting year.

White - Has shown a bit in the last few weeks, but doesn't have a tremendously long time left at the top. A ruckman would go nicely alongside a key-position player.

Johnstone - I'll be the first to start the controversy. If we're going to rebuild in even the smallest possible fashion then he is our most expendable senior player. We've got midfielders coming out the arse so if we can use him as part of a ploy to land a key position player or another top 20 pick in the draft then I'm up for it. The naysayers will say nay and the 20,000 members we have who didn't show up on Sunday night will all threaten not to buy memberships next season. Doesn't matter anyway - when Connolly becomes coach nobody will buy one anyway. With apologies - OUT.

Pickett - Cheers for the second half of last year, shame it didn't quite work out. Good luck for the future.

International

Ask yourself this. Why, when our season is as depressingly shit as it is, am I in an internet cafe in Bangkok listening to the Carlton game? Good question. Answers will become clear if we win.

The hits just keep on coming

You'd think that after having had my heart broken by football on a near weekly basis for the last twenty years that I'd be over it by now. To a certain degree you'd be right, now that we've at least won two games this season I'd be less inclined to have a coronary at losing a game with six seconds left in the last quarter, but it's still like a dagger to the heart given the circumstances surrounding the match.

If we had won tonight it would have sent Daniher off the right way and provided a neat ending to a chapter that began all those years ago in Wellington, New Zealand of all places (it's true, look it up). Last week this result wouldn't have haunted me, and next week I'll probably throw my hands up and go "who cares, we always lose to Carlton" but to see the boys throw themselves into the game at a million miles an hour in the last three quarters tonight and to be beaten like that is a heartbreaker of the highest order.

The initial reaction was to question (once again) the wisdom of hiring the fitness guru with the unpronounceable name to help us run games out, but in retrospect I suppose the boys had run themselves into the ground so spectacularly in the second half that it was inevitable that they'd fall apart at the end. It didn't help when Robertson and Neitz suddenly forgot how to kick straight when it really counted - though under the circumstances I choose to believe that they were so desperate to ice the game as a mark of respect to ND that they psyched themselves out of it. Yet somehow we almost got away with it - had somebody just got a fist on that last ball we all we would have had to do is get one kick in right and we would have taken the points in a fairytale result. Yes, I know we rarely get kick-ins right at the best of times but with just six seconds left they could have chipped it short and milked the clock openly.

And who didn't feel like doing exactly what Nathan Brown did after the final siren? Lucky he had (alleged) turf underneath him when he started beating the ground because if we tried that it would have ended in a tragic cavalcade of flying seats and blood splattered across concrete. In the grand scheme of things the result meant absolutely nothing but in context it was so important. Next year/month/week we might not give a toss but at the time it was the footballing equivalent of finding your prom date making out with your dad.

I realised we were in trouble when Brown did his patented "turn around and rush the thing from 30 metres out" move. That's fine against your slop teams but against a highly professional outfit coached by the inventor of pretty much every dubious move in the playbook it's like pouring blood into a shark tank. Then we tried the bullshit 'chip it around' move against a team who do it better than anyone in the game and obviously know how to play against it. Cue it ending in tears and costing us the game.

Yes, before Lucas kicked the goal that put them within six points we were ripped off out of a free kick when Cameron Bruce had the figure four leglock put on him just outside 50, but given that we were on the receiving end of two of the worst free-kicks ever throughout the night I'm not complaining about anything. There was probably some arcane rule that explained the one in the third quarter where the Essendon player bumped Matthew Bate with his body and somehow got done for a push in the back but I must confess, along with 45,000 other people, I was mystified. Then there was a perfect tackle laid on somebody (McDonald? Bruce? Green? Ormond-Allen? I can't farking remember) which was also pinged for in the back. Cue righteous indignation and whispers of a conspiracy from the opposition fans - once again I ask that if the umpires are corrupt in your favour and you're 2-10 how bad would you be if they were AGAINST you? Idiots.

Crowd Watch
To be entirely honest for a club with so many fans I rarely run into a peanut Bomber fan at a game. They're undoubtedly out and about, and let's face it we've got our fair share of nutbags too, but I've had the good fortune to avoid them all. Extra points to the two guys in front of me who were drinking from 1 litre bottles of Solo that clearly did NOT just have Solo in them. Then when they ran out two bottles of Pasito appeared. Smuggling your alcohol through the gate inside the most unfashionable soft drink ever invented? What an angle. If only they'd had the same bag inspection guy that I had ("Want to see my bag?" *silence*) they could have dragged an entire bar in. Ironic given that the the Dome isn't much more than a glorified bar for corporate scum.

Juice Newton Watch


Oh, the player? Well he was alright. The mark he dropped in the last quarter was absolutely criminal but at least he showed life, which is more than you can say for the usually heavily sedated B. Miller. Will undoubtedly get better in the weeks to come if given enough of a chance.

Dome Watch
It's the new Optus Oval - decent enough when half full but an absolute nightmare when a crowd show up. Despite having a reserved ticket it still took me forty minutes to get into the ground

Interesting enough they showed the crowd figure with a special mentioned for the 6000 odd "Ticketed Absentees" who paid their money and didn't bother to turn up. This is definitely something I've never seen before. It might turn into the 2007 equivalent of the St. George kick predictor piece of shit and give bored fans the chance to come up with a random number off the top of their head and then pretend to have a well developed knowledge of football when they get within 50% of the actual answer. Either way I can't believe that so many people actually forked over $'s and didn't bother to show. Obviously here and there people are going to have family emergencies or pick up in the bar before they even get to the ground but 6000 of them? Madness. Interesting a vast number of these empty seats were on the ludicrously expensive Level Two. If you're that keen at throwing your money away feel free to cut me a cheque you elitist bastards.

So yes, we were shit, then we were very good, then we were average, then we were good again, then we were shit again and then the siren went. Another wasted evening that could have been spent with my head in the oven.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
I'm going to be controversial here. I have been a vocal critic of tonight's five point player but apart from anything he actually did with the ball tonight he played his heart out defensively and went into everything like his life depended on it. Put the chicken wire net up to stop the broken bottles hitting me square in the face and step forward,

[4-1 edited the next day due me being a crackhead and forgetting Jeff White]

5 - Simon Godfrey
4 - Jeff White
3 - James McDonald
2 - Travis Johnstone
1 - Russell Robertson

Apologies to Sylvia, Green, Davey, Bate, Bruce, Ward and god knows who else.

Leaderboard

And it's a new leader. Wonderful - now can we start 2008 already?

19 - Bruce
18 - Green
18 - McDonald
11 - Johnstone
11 - Bate
11 - White
10 - Rivers (Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
10 - Davey
9 - Jones
8 - Miller
8 - Godfrey
7 - Sylvia
6 - Neitz
6 - Robertson
5 - Yze
5 - Bell
5 - Petterd (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
5 - Wheatley
4 - Bizzell
4 - McLean
3 - Holland
2 - Moloney
2 - Dunn
2 - Brown
2 - Carroll
1 - Pickett

I've got to get away from football - it's doing my head in. I sit here thinking "one flag and I can at least walk away for a couple of years", but what if the one flag never comes? There was probably a South Melbourne fan saying exactly the same thing in 1952, and you can be sure that he died a week before they finally won the fucking thing. It's the same principle of slaving for forty years to pay off a mortgage and then getting hit by a bus as you cross the road to walk into the bank with the final cheque.

Next Week
You lot can do as you like, I'll be at the Asian Cup soccer football tournament. Guest reporters will hopefully be filling the not inconsiderable void. If you're lucky they might even bother to analyse the game.

End of an era

So that's it then. Neale Daniher has resigned, Mark (who?) Riley will take over as coach for the rest of the year, and the new broom that we were all crying out for is on the way. Just who will be wielding the broom is anybody's guess, and as I'm sure my application won't even be considered I've got no insight into the selection process.

Tomorrow night marks the end of an era that began in the 1998 pre-season and took us from some massive highs (Rd 20, 2005 anyone? 2000 prelim? When we porked Adelaide in the 98 finals?) to some desperate lows (Last week? Most of the 2003 season? Scott Chisholm?) with pretty much everything in between.

Notwithstanding the fact that we never won anything, and have been abysmal this season even when our best players are on the park, I will be the first to rise to applaud Daniher at the conclusion of tomorrow night's game. The man has been a wonderful ambassador for our club in the last few years, and I appreciate what he's done even if I haven't always agreed with it. To be honest there might even be a tear in the eye - after all the man's reign has spanned almost my entire modern football watching life. 1998 is still my favourite season ever and Daniher played a massive part of that.

Amazing isn't it - after being 0-9 we won two in a row and even as much as we knew it wasn't going to happen we let our minds wander for a second to a massive winning streak and the greatest comeback of all time. Then with one solitary performance, against a side that despite being six points behind on the ladder was arguably only one massive thrashing away from being our equal so far this year, all the optimism was swept away in a tidal wave of bitterness and recriminations. Everyone knows ND had lost the fans, but I think it's fair to say that everybody was ten times more bitter with him during the 2003 season than they are now - three straight years of finals will do that for you.

Make no mistake this is the best thing for the club. It's like one of those marriages where both parties realise that after years together that it's all gone completely tits up and that it's better to go their seperate ways. Everyone's still friends - they might hook up with other people in the next couple of years but there will be family reunions and they might get together at Christmas. Maybe they'll talk on the phone - who the fuck knows, I'm really starting to struggle now.

Tomorrow night should be a laugh. Remember if you're planning on going that due to Essendon's deal with the Corporate Dome you've got to buy a reserved ticket. Isn't that farcical? I hate the Dome but I wouldn't miss tomorrow night for the world - goodbye ND, we hardly knew ye. Except that we did.

Why bother?

There's no report that can do justice to how bad Friday night was. Richmond turned it up a notch, we turned it down several and unlike last week the umpiring wasn't almost criminally in our favor.

Despite everyone in the world knowing he wouldn't play the master of mind games ND named Neitz anyway. Juice Newton was named as an emergency so after kicking 40 odd goals in the 2nd's this year, and our desperate need to groom a new forward you'd expect he would have played against the bottom team wouldn't you? Instead step forward Adem Yze who did nothing and reinjured himself. We got Paul Johnson at FF instead and he was completely inept in almost every way. So inept in fact that after getting towelled up in the first half down back Ben Holland was thrown up front after half-time. Richmond took this move so seriously that they didn't even give him an opponent until he kicked a goal. Somehow he managed three, but despite our best wishes we were unable to see this in the papers the next day,

Neale Daniher threw much-maligned defender Ben Holland forward after half-time in a cavalier move which saw the Demons charge back from ten goals at the long break to record a hard-fought four point victory. Holland added a career best eight goals including a dramatic winner from 50m on the stroke of the final siren.

Obviously fiction is the only thing we have left this season. Instead we mounted something of a comeback, didn't get back within six goals and were comprehensively tonked by a team who hadn't won in three months. Awful - the difference between our coaching staff and theirs was that obviously Wallace and Co had watched the tape of Queen's Birthday a hundred times, pinpointed every single weakness we had and exploited the fuck out of it. One person who didn't watch the video was the aforementioned B. Holland who tried to do the same armbar he had on Anthony Rocca on Richo and was duly pinged. Did he not think that after a week of every TV show on the face of the planet highlighting just how lucky he was to get away with it that this time he probably wouldn't get away with it. Still, he's actually going to get votes so you can tell how bad this night was.

I got so bored I started spraying our own fans. Memo - when you sit there for four quarters giving opposition fans shit about being poor and living in cardboard boxes you are contributing to everything that people hate about our fans. The moment you open the stereotype file then it's your duty to bend over and cop every ill-informed cliche about Range Rovers and skiing trips that the other lot dish out - YOU HAVE NO MORAL HIGH GROUND. Stupid people need to be told they're stupid.

Apparently the players want to keep Daniher. I've got a simple way to get around that - find some new players.

Votes
Jesus this will be hard

5 - Jeff White (?)
4 - Matthew Bate (??)
3 - Brad Green (???)
2 - Aaron Davey (????)
1 - Ben Holland (?????????????????????????????????????????????)

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard
19 - Bruce
18 - Green
15 - McDonald
11 - Bate
10 - Davey, Rivers (Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year - any danger he might be seen again before the new millenium?)
9 - Johnstone, Jones
8 - Miller
7 - Sylvia, White
6 - Neitz
5 - Bell, Petterd (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year), Robertson, Wheatley, Yze
4 - Bizzell, McLean
3 - Godfrey, Holland
2 - Brown, Carroll, Dunn, Moloney
1 - Pickett

Next Week
After being torn up by Richmond what do you think Lloyd and Lucas are going to do to us? I'm going to slash my wrists in level three of the Corporate Dome ten minutes into the first quarter.

From the Rubble to the Ritz

It's obvious to anyone that Collingwood have become our customers over the last few years, but even if you account for actually winning a game last week did you really think we'd knock them over today? I tipped us but my performance in that field is so awful this year that you had to go for upsets in a round like this. But we did, so there you go. A neat win for sure, but not without it's nervous moments and certainly not without having the benefit of some truly shit umpiring going our way for the first time this season.

A moment please, before we begin, for my mate who bet on Matthew Bate to kick the first goal at 17-1. We know he's not great off a set shot but 40m out directly in front you would have expected him to kick it and set off wild scenes. Takes the mark, botches the kick and tears almost rolled inside the top deck of the Southern Stand. Could have set the tone for the whole day but instead provided the launching pad for a riotous first quarter where we played the Pies off the park and looked more and more like the Melbourne of old. When Simon Godfrey sidestepped half the Pies team and kicked a goal in the early minutes of the 2nd quarter we were 5+ goals up and looking comfortable. Naturally we all knew it'd go backwards, and it did, but as long as you get a result in the end who gives a toss?

From the "it's funny when it doesn't happen to us" file was the reaction of the Pies fans to the serious of farcical umpiring decisions across the first half which completely rorted them. Of course the problem becomes that once people are convinced there's a conspiracy against them (and fuck me if there's corruption in favor of us it's not exactly helping this year, I'd hate to see what it would be like if they were 'against' us) then they become even more irrational about things to the point where they're insufferably annoying and refuse to accept even the most blatant free-kick in history. The only thing worse is the insistence of claiming 'deliberate' on anything that goes even near the boundary line after their side has been pinged.

The sad fact about deliberate decisions is that they're so randomly dragged out that nobody has confidence in them - this does not mean that it's funny to shout "DELIBERATE" two quarters later, and after your side has been on the lucky end of one. Then there's the disgraceful human beings who were yelling it every time the ball even went NEAR the fucking boundary line. Gas the lot of them. Naturally the moment the third quarter began and they got a series of shocking decisions it was all applause and good tidings - the dirty hypocrites.

Congratulations to the umpires for rewarding this hypocrisy by turning around and rorting them again in the final term. The biggest winner of the day was Ben Holland who should have given away at least three free kicks to Anthony Rocca and somebody got away with all of them. At one point he had him in an armbar that would get you a start in the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Somewhere Rickson Gracie was on his feet applauding the pure submission power of the man, but the umpire in charge had absolutely no interest in it. An absolute scandal but who cares eh fellow fans? *wink* *wink* Though had it been on the other hand we'd have been throwing molotov cocktails at Andrew Demetriou's car.

We really should have put the game away in the second quarter. Robertson had already added three before he hit the post and missed a couple of difficult ones, and both Paul Johnson (x2), Brock, Jones and Bizzell missed extremely kickable shots during the half. The trend continued in the third and by the time we turned for the last break we'd added 3.8 to 7.8 after the first quarter. They were within three points and you would have expected them to run right over the top - obviously nobody told Russell Robertson and in his finest performance since the greatest game ever he added another two in the opening minutes of the last term to give us breathing space. Davey kicked another and we were seemingly home.

Had "hey, it worked once in the NAB Cup" set-play where you handball it to Wheatley outside 50 and he belts one worked after a mark to James McDonald it could have been signed, sealed and delivered. As it was the Pies were still in it. Ben Johnson kicked one to make it interesting, after Brock copped a 50 for assaulting a row of seats with a football (we still love you son...) and Leon Davis did something for the first time all day to make it a 7pt game and it started to get a bit close for my liking. Brad Green then stood up with two massive marks inside 50 to repel the Pies and despite Nathan Jones briefly forgetting how to play and launching two farcical kicks out of defensive 50, we held on to win with Robbo booting his seventh after the siren and after some mutant had lobbed a can at him.

Cue the 20,000 legitimate fans we have going bananas, the 10,000 once a year bandwagon scum clapping politely and trying not to drop their prawn sandwiches and 40,000 other idiots going AWOL about the umpiring. Sadly there's only so much you can blame the officials for - was it their fault that Toovey fell on his arse twice in the last quarter and gifted Robbo goals? Is it part of the great AFL conspiracy that Travis Cloke can snag one from 50m out but miss from 15? What about when Simon Godfrey sells a dummy on your backline and kicks a goal? Idiots.

Random notable highlights of the day were quality spin-moves executed by Jones and McLean. It was like some terrible 80's video game where you pressed a button and your player darted around the opposition. Jones' in particular was quality - he needs to calm down a bit towards the end of the game but fark the New Next Big Thing is a top talent. Sylvia was also selling dummies left, right and centre - he is starting to wind up and if he can avoid getting injured for more than ten minutes at a time should feature prominently next year.

God Save The Queen? Well I don't support either of the institutions they represent but as it means a cheap four points every year then I'll be front row centre for it.

2007 ALLEN JAKOVICH MEDAL VOTES

5 - Robertson
4 - McLean
3 - Wheatley
2 - Holland (!?)
1 - Bate

Apologies to Bell, Bizzell, Bruce, Green, Johnson, Jones, McDonald, Sylvia and Ward. I thought Davey was fairly rotten on the day but you can never fault him for putting in the effort, and it's impossible to gauge defensive pressure by reading a stats sheet. So he's still tops in my book.

LEADERBOARD

19 - Bruce
15 - McDonald
15 - Green
10 - Rivers (Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
9 - Johnstone
9 - Jones
8 - Miller
8 - Davey
7 - Sylvia
7 - Bate
6 - Neitz
5 - Yze
5 - Robertson
5 - Bell
5 - Petterd (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
5 - Wheatley
4 - Bizzell
4 - McLean
3 - Godfrey
2 - Moloney
2 - Holland
2 - Dunn
2 - Brown
2 - White
2 - Carroll
1 - Pickett

Crowd Watch
Mutants to a man. The Ugly Dave Gray award for worst sledge of the week goes to the clown who thought "Cameron BOOOOOOOOOOS" was quality comedy. The day I crack a million dollars in the lottery (which will be hard seeing as I never enter it..) is the day I buy a superbox and get away from 'the people' forever.

Next Week
Nothing - just when we start winning as well. The split round means a break until Friday week when we will SURELY rumble Richmond at the G. However now that you expect a victory they'll probably get rolled. At least those of you who like to get amongst it with opposition supporters can finally invite somebody to "look at the ladder".

Miller kicked six for Sandringham but is as unlikely to repeat that in the 1's as I am of being elected Secretary General of the UN so he can stay there.

Next Year
Whether or not we end up with a new coach or not (and the way we're going ND will pull off the biggest comeback since Lazarus and survive) there is everything to look forward to next year. Barring another black death injury plague McLean, Sylvia, Bate, Jones, Dunn, Petterd, Dunn and Moloney are going to run riot over the next couple of years - all we need is another FF option for when Neitz's body inevitably falls apart, a CHF (although... Bate?) and another key defender to play the Holland role when he is inevitably given the big A at the end of the year.

Anything else to add? Err, we're 14 games away from winning the flag if you want to look at it that way...