Reminders

1) Seeking insights into how the other half think? Then visit It Never Rains, But It Pours (Sydney) and Voice From The Outer (Geelong). The two latest additions to the growing Footyblogs empire. We look forward to waffling the Geelong lot later in the season and taking the Brent Grgic Challenge Cup to put aside the Craig Nettlebeck one we took from the Swans earlier in the year.

2) Remember the competition? I seriously doubt it because nobody is entering. At this point I'm declaring myself the provisional leader because the following picture has been ripped from the archives for your entertainment,



That's me at the MFC Family Day, 1992 - Caulfield Racecourse, aged 10 and posing with the greatest man to ever set foot on an AFL field. Reader's choice on what's worse - his colossal mullet or my wildly oversized Indiana Pacers cap. Why, I'm not sure, given that I don't recall a time where I ever threatened to support the Pacers. Also of note is the "Property of LA Dodgers" shirt I've got on despite the fact that by this point I'd already started going for the Atlanta Braves. Isn't that just like a kid to sell out on a whim?

My one memory of the meeting was the great man saying "I've got that t-shirt too!" Oh god, I think I'm going to cry. Somebody hold me.

You'll also note, if you look closely enough, the pin hole through my eyes that came as the result of a teenage "I hate everything" fit.

P.S: Competition entries to SUPERMERCADO@DEMONBLOG.COM. We will obscure your face or draw over it if you want - all I want to see is people posing foolishly.

There's Only One Nathan Brown (who can still walk...)

Note - I feel really bad about the title of this post and some of the content which follows but to go back and edit it out would be pissweak. I wrote it, I'll wear it. If it's any consolation Melbourne have been utter wank ever since.

Ahh Telstra Dome. One night with yuppies makes a hard man humble. The tone of the place was set with the traditional pre-match motherhood statements on the scoreboard. Not only did they pioneer the "please be aware that footballs will be kicked at the crowd during the warmup" announcement they've now added a "Please don't swear for the sake of the kiddies" and "Please move up seats for the comfort of all patrons" as well. Farcical. They even had to tell some idiot that he'd left his lights on in the carpark. Don't tell them - laugh at them instead! Don't put it on the scoreboard until it says "Attention Car FGH 545 you now have a flat battery! Eat that!"

There was barely anyone in the ground when I got there. You could tell that 30000 tickets had been pre-sold because nobody showed up until ten minutes before the first bounce. Luckily, by showing up early, we managed to plant ourselves in a section almost entirely consisting of Melbourne fans. This was a bonus as it allowed us to turn up the gimmickery and shenanigans to 11 without the prospect of being beaten senseless but alas probably ruined the sort of report you're coming on here to read where I slander everyone involved with the Richmond football club and suggest they should be shut down. The only thing I will say about them is that it shits me up the wall when 75% of their fans only bother to light up for the "yellow and black" section of the theme. Just terrible. Sing it all or sit there and clap like a seal with your mouth shut.

I must admit that when the changes came up on the screen and David Neitz, second highest goalkicker in club history, had been replaced by S. Godfrey I became slightly concerned. Well, more than slightly actually. I was shitting it so badly that I didn't notice Greg Stafford was out for the Tigers. In retrospect that was probably the lucky break we needed to do the right thing and piss it in. We were always going to be stretched by their talls, and with one out it allowed us to shut them down up front (more about that later) and come out on top.

By walking past the TAB on the way to level three I got tempted by a first goalkicker bet. To be entirely honest I wanted to walk in there and whack $5 on somebody like Nathan Brown (our one) to show up and boot the first at long odds but Sportsbet rolled me by only putting up the obvious names and having the rest under "Any Other Player" @ 3.75. Shattered - so I went for the longest option on the board and took Brent Moloney @ 23-1. First goalkicker bets are the biggest waste of money in the world, but you never know when you'll get it right so it's worth having a crack once in a while. As it was all interest in that particular angle died about 90 seconds into the game when Aaron Davey waltzed in and opened the scoring. No big loss - at least it was one of our players that put me out of the game. Tickets were symbolically destroyed without tears as Ben Holland, of all people, suddenly ran riot and before long we were 32-0 in front and things were looking very attractive indeed. Of course it all started going backwards - in a scenario reminscent of St. Kilda the Friday night previous we suffered a reverse that lead to Richmond getting within a goal. It's starting to become a trend that every time Jeff White leaves the ground for his rest at the end of the quarter we start to leak goals at an alarmingly rate. Odd because he's not exactly having the season of his life, and I'm happy with Mark Jamar as a backup, but something to look at nonetheless.

Now at this point it's time to issue a public statement. This website has had it's fair share of moments where we've hammered Alistair Nicholson for his performances but last night he was superb. Taking a good record against Matthew Richardson into the game he dominated Richmond's dubious forward for the full four quarters and was ably assisted by Ryan Ferguson, Matthew Whelan and Clint Bizzell. Interesting to see that two weeks in a row we've employed two or three on one tactics on the opposition's most dangerous tall forward and have suffered no ill-effects yet. No idea how they'll deal with North next week in Canberra (!?). I'm more scared of their small forwards. So, well done to Nicho for two fine games in a row. Luke Williams, however, is still shite.

By halftime it was starting to look like one of those games where we'd go in front but fail to shake the opposition and not be able to stretch out and revel in victory until the last couple of minutes. The guy next to me was positively pulling himself over the fact that we'd kicked 13 goals in the first half and was talking up a big 25 goal massacre. Rubbish! Count how many games in the last five years that we've had 12/13/14 goals on the board at halftime and then subtract the amount of times we've kicked 25 goals. You'll probably be left with the first number. Not for the first time I was proved right - Every time we went in front they'd storm back into the game and give themselves some hope of pulling off a blockbusting comeback. The good news was that the man who really stabbed them in the back was the rapidly emerging Colin Sylvia who bombed two goals from 50m out to kill the game off as a contest. In reality the third quarter was complete slop, with neither team being able to take much out of it despite some of the most farcical umpiring decisions of the season. Had we not seen the Schapelle Corby trial just hours early it's fair to say that the Melbourne Football Club may have won the award for "Biggest injustice of the day". Marks that stayed in hand for 1 second at one end of the ground were paid, then Ben Holland not only controlled a mark but was also sexually abused in the contest and still couldn't come out of it with a kick. Then there was my pet hate of umpires paying free kicks but not being competent enough to give the correct signal. Andrew Krakouer laid a tackle for a clear holding the ball and somehow ended up coming out of it with a free for a push in the back. HOW? Only the umpiring fraternity know.

Come 3/4 time I was fairly confident that we'd smoked them. But with Melbourne you just never know. I did the calculations and realised that if we folded like a house of cards again and had the same sort of last quarter as last week we'd lose. Suddenly panic set in. For about two minutes until we put them away. It wasn't until Matthew Whelan executed the "smother heard around the world" on Nathan Brown and snapped him in two that I felt confident. In a controversial moment we ripped out the title of this post as a chant and I was told off by the guy sitting next to me. Nasty sentiments indeed but it was just too perfect not to say. When Adem Yze ripped his third "goal of the year" contender out for the night with a dinky little chip from the boundary line that landed perfectly in the square the balaclava went on and the unbridled passion metre was turned to maximum. Game over. In the end we won by 57, which is lucky because I was nearly tempted by the 7-1 on offer for a 60+ win before the game and would probably have been gutted if we'd made it. Unless, of course, we won by 200 or something. That would have been nice.

A particular highlight of the post match scenes was the big fence run in the Telstra Dome ramp and the giant delivery of the theme song to those outside. Lovely.

Demonblog.com Player of the Year award

5 - Travis Johnstone
4 - Adem Yze
3 - Brad Green
2 - Brock McLean
1 - Alastair Nicholson

Special mentions to Holland, Sylvia and Brown.

Leaderboard

15 - Cameron Bruce
12 - Travis Johnstone
9 - Brock McLean
7 - Adem Yze, Brad Green
6 - Ryan Ferguson
5 - Brent Moloney, Jared Rivers
4 - Russell Robertson, Clint Bizzell
3 - Aaron Davey, James McDonald, Brad Miller
1 - Russell Robertson, Colin Sylvia, Alistair Nicholson

So.. next week. To the national capital where we'll either get tonked by the Kangaroos or pull off the greatest victory since Paul Keating knifed Bob Hawke and became PM. I won't be there but it's fair to say I was sorely tempted. I quite like Canberra - I want to go back to the Tuggeranong Hyperdome. Hopefully I'll be able to catch most of the game before work and fill out a half decent report.

Your comments...

All hail

I've just become seriously excited. Stand back...

Melbourne has re-signed another of its brightest talents with Brad Green agreeing to a new deal that will keep him at the club until the end of 2008.

The 24-year-old midfielder, who was recently promoted to the Demons' leadership group, joins teammates Brock McLean, Colin Sylvia, Mark Jamar and Brad Miller in pledging to stay.

Melbourne recruiting manager Craig Cameron said snaring Green - drafted in 1999 - was a major breakthrough for Melbourne. "Brad is one of our team leaders and has continually developed his body and football knowledge over the past six years. It was very important (for us) to make sure that a player with such leadership skills and ability remains at the club," Cameron said.

Another name crossed off the Collingwood 2006 shopping list.

Predictable

Why is that every time we played Footscray, and now Richmond, the papers are forced to do a "two Nathan Browns" story.

NATHAN Brown will walk away a winner whatever the outcome of Friday night's clash between Melbourne and Richmond at Telstra Dome.

But which one – the flashy Tiger version, an early Brownlow Medal fancy, or Nathan D. Brown, his reliable, more consistent Demons counterpart?

Melbourne's Brown had 22 disposals in the Demons' solid victory over Carlton at Optus Oval on Saturday, while his Tigers' namesake kicked the winning goal against Brisbane at the Gabba later that night.

While the Tigers have surprised everyone to sit in third place on the ladder, the Demons are directly below them and waiting to pounce.

Now that's what I call lazy journalism. Write the story after one of them kicks 8 goals on Friday night. Have a guess which one...

P.S - Punters, don't forget our wonderful competition. Given that there are 0 entrants so far you're every possible chance!

Knock it down

So, farewell Optus Oval then. Can't say I'm entirely depressed at the turn of events - it was quite a nice place when there were 10000 people in the ground, but put 30000 salivating lunatics in there and it got ugly quickly. This wouldn't have been too bad today if the crowd had the usual 2/1 ratio of opposition fans to MFC fans, but unfortunately today it was even harder than normal to spot one of our supporters. Rumor has it that we were given a massive 500 tickets for it, which meant that those of us who had scabbed their way in on a Carlton members tickets were in a very, very small minority. In fact the two of us sitting up on the fence about 30m from goal in the Legends Stand (Brent Heaver = Carlton legend) had absolutely no support. I think the closest Melbourne fans to us were the cheer squad, and I don't want them on my side if it can be avoided.

Prematch highlight was the tickets only costing $12, which is a damn sight cheaper than the $30 I paid last time I went there in 2003 (lest we forget, I was too hungover to go to the game last season). We were then treated to a colossal Carlton wankfest, which probably meant something if you're a Blues fan but sadly fell flat for the seven or eight of us present who aren't. No footage of Earl Spalding cracking Jason Dunstall's skull like a coconut, none of James McDonald kicking a goal that may very well have been a point and winning us the game in '98 and most regrettably none of Luke Williams greatest moments on the day he kicked two goals, got twenty touches and we won. For reasons best known to them they concentrated on Carlton Premierships and great moments - which is a bit of a disappointment.

The lowlight was being completely SNUBBED by some Optus Oval ground attendant when I asked the perfectly legitimate question "Can I have your jacket when the game is over?" I copped the staredown and was completely ignored. Now, tell me what he's going to do with a green suit jacket with "OPTUS OVAL ATTENDANT" written on it now that the ground has been given the arse? It's not like you're going to wear it to a wedding - especially when it looks as if the ABC Lawn Bowls commentary team would refuse to wear it for being unfashionable. Bastard. Only marginally worse than when they were spotted trying to flog a three year old hot dog for $5.90 when it was listed on the menu @ $4.50. Genuine mistake, or cynical attempt to cash in one last time in front of the biggest Optus crowd in years? Shambolic. The poor kiddies on the cash register were recieving verbals left, right and centre. Yet we they continued to purchase. We're They're idiots.

The game started well enough. The Blues resembled a farcical Keystone Cops side with their falling over and kicking it directly to our players everytime they attempted to go inside 50. Which was nice. Except that we spurned more chances than the Brisbane Bears did in the entire 1991 season and missed the chance to kill the game as a contest at quarter time. We did, however, have two minor miracle moments as Ben Holland (more on that later), and Phil Read (recreating his kick in the last quarter of that final against Essendon last year) nailed completely uncharacteristic goals. The second term won't go down in any "That Was The Season That Was" video compilations, but we increased our lead so I'm not going to complain about quality. Even if Aaron Davey, who won't be ordering a copy from Name A Game, missed from 30 out directly in front. More pro-Optus wankery at Half Time as my Telstra mobile phone completely stopped working every time I tried to call somebody or send a message. I think shouted something about all Telstra customers celebrating the place being shut down, which didn't go down too well amongst the Carlton faithful. Fuck 'em, I can't see Optus still forking over money to their club to sponsor a ground that will sponsor no event bigger than the VFA Grand Final so they may as well join the campaign to bury them.

Now the third quarter was far more memorable. Not only did we run riot and increase the margin but Russell Robertson kicked four goals, Aaron Davey kicked the goal of the year only to see it shave the top of the goalpost padding on the way through and be reversed by the field fucking umpire and Ben Holland missed from the top of the square on the slightest angle possible. The plot was officially lost at this point. I thought we signed him to play in the backline? Sit him the fuck down there, especially with Jared Rivers suspended, and be done with it. The renaissance that I declared after his two in a row performances against Fremantle and Adelaide is over. Didn't last long. Not long after this disgrace he ended up in the backline and took a crucial mark on defensive 50. For once in my life I may have been right, but alas we were never given the opportunity to find out as he ended up back up front just minutes later. Some kid in front of me just went apeshit at him for the rest of the quarter telling him how he couldn't kick and was a complete hack. Reminded me of myself at an early age, shame about his choice of team.

Another quality highlight was Nathan Brown marking inside 50, running into somebody's knees Spalding/Dunstall style and just coincidentally having the much more reliable David Neitz standing beside him to take over when he couldn't kick it. Neitz goaled and Brown later returned to the ground, to the distress of the bogans surrounding me. At the 25 minute mark we were walking it in - we'd even done our traditional taking the piss tactic of resting Jeff White and replacing him with this week's dedicated replacement Mark Jamar (who, like every other player on our list this year, managed to get himself reported). Pisstaking became a new art when Alistair Nicholson somehow found himself on the wing (!?) and set up a goal straight from the bounce. The sound of razorblades being unwrapped across the general Parkville and Carlton area was deafening. We went to the last change ten goals in front with Robertson sitting on 6 goals, having already having cracked his personal best, and it was looking like a very ugly final term for Princes Park.

Then it almost all went horribly wrong as we turned the switch to "cruise control", started playing gimmick football and allowed the Blues to pile on six unanswered goals in the last term to get within three goals at the end. Sounds fairly comfortable but there was a point where it was starting to look very ugly - if my memory serves me correct they got within four goals with six or seven minutes left. Not completely unheard of. I'd be lying to say that at this point I wasn't having visions of entering the history books for the biggest fourth quarter choke in history. Even worse in such an important game given the amount of rubbish journalism and mystical wankery that would have been dragged out about the "ghosts of Princes Park" and "spirits of the legends" if they'd done it. Suffice to say that had we folded a little bit more and lost I would have been joining the f'ing spirits of the Park by leaping off the top of the Legends Stand. Credit to our undermanned, and often shit, backline as they held up most of the day before finally succumbing late. The triple teaming of Fevola was impressive, and even Nicho looked good at times. Whitnall, on the other hand, was complete shite. He wasn't the same Big Fat Ugly Kid who turned us over in the Wizard Cup.

Alas we won, and as they reluctantly played our theme song and I did my traditional throat shedder rendition of the theme song some of the assorted Carlton elite took minor offence and busted out one of the most bitingly sarcastic comments I've ever suffered. "No snow on this week?" he said. I'd like to say I died with either laughter or embarassment but that would be bullshit. My problem/salvation was that I couldn't actually speak properly after letting rip with the song so I could only manage to drag out some weak "Get a new cliche. That's the oldest one in the book. It's like me saying you lot should all be in a Centrelink somewhere" comeback. Then he put me away with a piece of irony that the world's great comedians would mark out for.. "Wait.. I've got another one... Umm.. No snow on this week?" How we laughed - at him. Seemed rather pleased with himself though, so I'm prepared to concede. It's important to keep the morale of the intellectually disabled up so they don't feel that they are completely worthless to society. Apparently there was some pissweak presentation of a cup, and many tears shed over the end of suburban football after that. No idea, I took the opportunity to get the hell out of there while grown men were opening weeping and beat the crowds.

I notice that Daniher didn't let the players sing the song after the game. That's a trend that I'm in favour of - they had very little to celebrate after that last quarter. Carlton were/are complete shit, and we should have waffled them.

Votes

5 - Travis Johnstone
4 - Russell Robertson
3 - Clint Bizzell
2 - Cameron Bruce
1 - Colin Sylvia

Player of the Year Leaderboard

15 - Cameron Bruce
7 - Brock McLean, Travis Johnstone
6 - Ryan Ferguson
5 - Brent Moloney, Jared Rivers
4 - Brad Green, Russell Robertson, Clint Bizzell
3 - Aaron Davey, James McDonald, Brad Miller, Adem Yze
1 - Russell Robertson, Colin Sylvia

Next week: Richmond. I'm officially scared. When Fevola broke free in the last quarter today he did us over - and we get to contend with Richardson and Troy Simmonds next week. "Simmonds is shit!" you say. You might be right, even if I would have him for half of what the Tigers are paying him, but has it not been proven time after time that players we've given the arse to always have their greatest games against us? Anyone else remember Brent Grgic, of all people, ripping us to shreds at Kardinia Park? I do, and I'm in counselling about it today. Then there's the Nathan Brown question, which takes on extra significance when you think about what J. Farmer and M. Williams have done to us in the last month. Luckily for us the Blues didn't have anyone better than Eddie Betts to play the role today and we got away with it. That's not going to happen next time.

Good news

Demonblog punters will be overjoyed to know that due to a last minute cancellation amongst a group of Carlton fans I know I've been able to score a ticket to tomorrow's "RIP and Fuck Off" Optus Oval deathmatch. If I survive, and there's more than one place in the world I'd rather die than in Parkville, expect a full scale dissection of events and the beating I recieve.

Speaking of death and beatings.. Was anyone else impressed with the 6 change purge that the selection committee instigated this week? The basic summary is everyone shit (and Jared Rivers) OUT, everyone good (possibly excluding Phil Read - even if I like him) IN. Pity we always play like mince at Optus.

Here's hoping to ruin the day of a few toothless bogans. It's fair to guess there's not going to be a repeat of the greatest moment in ground history when an aggrevied Footscray fan threatened to destroy me for wearing a Melbourne jumper in 1999. Happy days.

Thuggery

Noticed how we're copping it hard at the tribunal this year? I can't remember the last time we had so many suspensions at this point of the season. Already this season we've had,

* Brent Moloney - a dubious 2 weeks for a bump where the injury was caused by the turf;
* Brad Miller - 2 weeks after his season long campaign to get rubbed out finally paid dividends;
* A shitload of fines for wrestling.

And now this,

The 2004 NAB Rising Star, Melbourne defender Jared Rivers, has been handed a two-match suspension by the AFL's match review panel in the aftermath of Saturday's fiery MCG clash against Hawthorn, which has netted the league more than $10,000 in wrestling and melee fines.

Rivers was charged with striking Hawk Ben Dixon during the fourth quarter of the Demons' 39-point loss on Saturday with the incident being assessed as reckless conduct (two points), low impact (one point), behind play (two points) and high contact (two points) for a total of seven activation points.

This equates to a level three offence of 325 demerit points and a three-match suspension but an early plea would reduce the penalty by 25 per cent to 243.75 points, resulting in a two-match ban.

With Melbourne enforcer Brad Miller to miss another week through suspension and skipper David Neitz and star midfielder Cameron Bruce both under an injury cloud, the Demons can ill-afford to lose Rivers for their upcoming clash with the Carlton, as he would have been a likely opponent for Blues spearhead Brendan Fevola.

The AFL has also fined six players a total of $10,500 over seven wrestling and melee charges from the same match.

So now with our season rapidly failing apart we will now face Carlton without our FF, CHF or CHB. And for what? Does anyone in the league think we're a harder team for all this? I'm understanding of the "flying the flag" macho competitive bullshit aspect of having to punch on behind play - and who amongst us can say they've never thrown one on a sporting field? - but in a professional sport where it is likely to achieve NOTHING then you've got to question it. A reckless bump or shirtfront is one thing but with the new tribunal system you can't just belt each other behind play anymore. And now we run the risk of not only being molested by the small forwards of both Carlton and Richmond but the talls as well.

Fevola and The Big Fat Ugly Kid one week into Richardson and Troy Simmonds the next scares me enough as it is. Now we've lost our best defender for this? This sport is for the tip - I'm going to start following golf.